Signs That You May Be More of a Friend Than Parent*

(*If you are raising a child, I am referring to you as a parent no matter what your title may be)

Do you trade secrets? Share your stuff? Change your mind in order to be liked? Want to make your children happy at all costs?

Uh-oh. Maybe you are more of a friend to your kid than you are a parent.

Do you tell your children about the mortgage? Your diet? Your worries?

Uh-oh again. Do they really need to know these things?

Why is this not good? Because friends are fickle and growing kids will experience highs and lows as they learn who they are and who would make a good and lasting friend. The last thing they need is a parent to be part of that fluid category.

Kids need a rock-solid, dependable and fiercely loving force in their lives especially as they develop. If the force is perceived as weak or unable to lead, who will the children feel safe with?

Who better to be that force than a parent? Kids need to be able to count on their parent(s) to provide the guidelines and navigation while they go about bumping into life's realities.

Children need guidelines and regulation in order to develop in a healthy manner. Children who do not receive nurturing (different than the buddy system) and guidance are like ships without rudders. They intuitively want a course to follow, and if the parents don't provide one, they will find some group or mindset that will. This is why we hear about children joining dicey groups or gangs. They want to belong. And if they don't belong to you and your family, they will absolutely belong somewhere.

Being a parent does not mean you can't play with your kid. But it does mean they know how to respect your boundaries and authority. Walking around your house naked because you feel free was fine before kids. Now they need to learn about their own bodies and privacy - not to mention safety. If you give guidance ahead of time, you won't be "the bad guy" when it's time to put the Lego's away. Simply set a timer and say "let's play Lego's for an hour, then we will start to make dinner". Or whatever else comes next. When the timer rings, calmly say it's time to put them away. (I like to set a 5 minute warning before the actual timer goes off so kids can transition easier. "That was the 5-minute warning, then it will be time to pick up in 5 minutes.")

Tempted to overshare about your sex life? The bills? Your bad day at work? Your bad childhood? A neighbor. Think again. Kids are not abstract thinkers and their brains are incapable at this point in development of receiving such information and holding it appropriately. Furthermore, it compromises your role as a safe authority figure and places the kids in a place of wanting to help you.  Or a state of anxiety they can't yet describe.

They are not the parents and should be encouraged to enjoy their childhood. Do not burden your kids with adult stuff. We operate as adults for a whole lot longer than we get to be kids. Don't rush it and don't take away their innocence. Be that secure force in their lives. It's not too late to ramp up your parenting.

I Demand

We live in a world of "demand". We can watch movies "on demand". We can listen to music "on demand". We can bank with an immediate tap. We can customize our coffee, pre-order and pick it up. We can ask Alexa and she'll answer us immediately. She'll even change your TV channel for you. We can order groceries and there's a special place to park the second you arrive for pick up. We can arrange for dinner deliveries any night of the week - ingredients already chopped and measured. We can take, edit and post a photograph with free apps on our phone. We can order a monthly box of clothing to arrive so we don't even have to think about what to wear anymore.

Things that were once considered fast are now too slow. We are reminded every six months that our "new" smart phone or tablet is now an "older version" because of the latest, shiniest model. We are reminded every time we go on social media that someone else is having more fun, going more places or doing life better.

In this world of demand and now, we have lost the ability to wait well. And, we've lost the ability to recognize that not everything goes our way. These are two vital areas that parents must combat in our microsecond world of instant convenience. If we aren't careful, the next generations will ascend in to adulthood even more self-absorbed than the current one who can't be bothered to RSVP or say thank-you.

Our world of demand allows children to pick and choose what they will look at and listen to. Power children did not have in generations prior. We've gone from saving up to buy a record you want to listen to, to scrolling and tapping for free. One of the greatest things stores like Starbucks did for the everyday Joe was to give them the power to choose every detail they can about a cup of coffee. Brilliant. People who don't know who they would vote for can stand with self assurance and dictate their drink of choice. Empowering.

Parents who want to teach their children to wait, or teach their children that they must learn to accept that some things do not go their way are like salmon. Swimming against a powerful social current to do their duty. I say, keep swimming! Recognize that this is indeed a challenge, but it must be done. I believe you can think creatively about how you can introduce and keep these essential aspects of becoming a solid citizen in the forefront.

Instead of seeing how fast they can do something, try finding out "how careful" they can be for things like writing, drawing or folding.

Instead of asking what they want to drink, offer 2 choices. They pick one. It might not be their favorite because their favorite wasn't even offered. Try this with treats, too. Or even cereal.

Instead of telling them to "hurry up" and get in the car, tell them thirty minutes in advance that the car leaves at 7:45. Set the timer for 5 minutes earlier and calmly state that when the timer rings, it will be time to get in the car/get their backpack/shoes etc. Set them up for success by ensuring that backpacks and coats et al are located near the door for easy departure.

Remove the word "hurry" from your vocabulary. You slow down. You plan ahead enough so no one has to rush. Replace all the times you are urging the gang along with encouragement and praises. Or asking questions to learn how they think.

Look ahead to things as a family and as individual family members. Count down to holidays or birthdays. Count down to family movie night on the sofa. Create your own big deal and enjoy the anticipation. It can be as simple as Tuesday is Library Day. Or Sunday is Soup and Salad night.

When you are at a red light, make use of your time by chatting or singing - not mumbling about how this safety feature is slowing you all down.

Remember that it takes 18 years to officially be grown up in the world. There are different developmental stages and phases that must occur in order for the next one to take place. We can't rush time, even if we allow our 11-year old daughter to dress as if she was hitting a night club. You'll do damage to her for rushing her along, but she won't be 18 until 18 years have passed no matter how hard you or she tries to out-dress her age. A one-year old can't read, but a four-year old can recognize their name. A 13-year old doesn't have the ability to think abstractly and should not be given the car keys because they are biologically unable to process abstract response options.

Set a budget for clothing and allow your teens to choose what they are using the money for. If they decide they don't want to get new shoes, fine. But they have to learn to live with the ones they have. If they spend it all on one thing they have to live with that choice until the next budget.

Be consistent about the pay periods you use for allowances and family meetings. Keep that schedule so that they can learn about consistency and plan ahead with their finances.

Teach your kids how to make and pack their own lunches.

Make one big dinner a week that involves each family member in preparation and enjoy each step of anticipation.

Catch your kids working on learning a new skill and point out their hard work. Notice progress. Give them praise. "You did such a great job with your shoes today!", "That piece you just played on the piano shows how much you've learned in music", "Way to go on making your bed!" "Wow, you brought that C up to a B - great work!" "I was glad when you let me know you were at Billy's house instead of Tommy's like I thought."

Insist on treating everyone kindly. Please and Thank You. Eye contact. Keep space in lines. Do not attempt to get ahead in lines. Hands to ourselves. We pay before we use or eat something. We smile at the workers in the stores even if they don't thank us. We do not talk about people behind their backs. We are no better or worse than anyone else. We work for things, we don't just get them handed to us. There is always someone else we can help. Do not ignore other people. Think about how the other person might be feeling. Unkind words can leave lasting hurts - don't be that person.

And to think it all starts with waiting and finding out we don't always get what we want.

When Mother's Day is Hard to Celebrate

The weeks leading up to Mother's Day bombard us wherever we go with gift ideas. The cards. The obligatory flowers. The last-minute gift ideas. The brunch reservations. On the radio, we hear the count down until the big day when we honor our mothers. If you are married, you may have a scheduling challenge regarding which mom to see and when. If you are in your own family, you have to remember to include your self. Mother's Day is such a big day in North America that many realtors forgo open houses this day because the focus is on the moms.

But what if you can't celebrate your mom because she is no longer alive? What if you can't celebrate her because she lives across the country? What if you can't celebrate her because you are currently in a fight? Or what if you can't celebrate her because she never nurtured you in the first place?  What if the desire of your heart is to be a mother yourself and it looks like that might not ever happen? For these and many other reasons I have not thought of, sometimes Mother's Day can be a very painful day for some.

So what do we do? If we are among the ones able to celebrate their mothers, we can be grateful we are in that position, keeping in mind that many others are not so fortunate. We can also remove the casual query in our social chit-chat about what someone else is doing on that day. If we know someone hurting about their mother, we could invite them do some activity the day before to create a different memory. We could even invite "mothers day orphans" over on mother's day if that works with the family dynamics. If your husband doesn't honor you, you can teach your kids how to make mother's day pancakes yourself and have fun.

If we are are in the category of those who don't value their mothers - or maybe just in a fight - there are some objective things we can do so that our hurt or anger abates. First of all, remember that your mother came to who she was honestly - based on her own life experiences and how she experienced her mother. Some of our moms just don't have the extra "mom" finesse because of their history. It's no excuse, but it is a reason why they are/were who they are/were. Go back the generation before your mother. What was her mother's mother like? Many mothers of large families simply had no time with heavy duties of running a family, possibly even as a single parent.

If your mother doesn't behave the way that you would like, can you respect her opinions and viewpoints apart from yours even if they don't line up? It's what she thinks. And how she thinks is shaped by how she was treated growing up. If no one nurtured her and she didn't know that should be included in mothering, how can you expect to be cuddled now? I am simply pointing out that I believe people do the best they can with what they have in a given situation. I don't think they are looking to hurt you specifically, unless there is some pathology.

If you are dealing with mental illness or addiction or criminal activity, the same thing goes. There are reasons why people do or say things that explain the why. It's when we put our expectations on others that we get into trouble. Your mother may only be able to give you the bit you got. You may wish it was more, and that's okey to wish. But to live expecting it year after year when she is just not able only sets you up for hurt and anger. Grieve what you didn't get. Let go of the fact you weren't her favorite. And then use your healing to give that to others in spite of your loss. Have you found an honorary mother to share your life? You can be one to someone else, too. And don't forget by giving what you didn't get to your own kids breaks the cycle.

If you happen to be one of those who is just pissed off at your mother and have shut her out of your life, think calmly about your reasons. Did she do something evil to you? To anyone? Is whatever you are angry about even your business? If you have a mom reaching out to you and you ignore her without informing her why, then the shame goes on you for attempting to hold some power trip over her. If you have explained why you can't be in her life clearly (and it makes rational sense), then that's a different story. Just make sure you aren't creating a wall for the wrong reason, and that you got all the information directly. This is not the time to base your actions on someone else's words. Try as you might, you will always know who your mother is, so you really can't erase her.

You have come to your understanding of self and world as a result of your unique life experiences. Holding a grudge will never make you a better person. Each thing you attempt to do until you get things set up correctly in the forgiveness department will be tainted in some degree if you have any moral character. If you are one of the true motherless people, may your day be filled with tender memories. Search those memory banks and see if you can't find a couple. Most moms truly are on a sweet, clumsy path to do their simple best for their babies. Have you thought about that?