Routines Are Friends

One of my favorite lines in the animated movie Finding Nemo is when Bruce the shark recites the mantra "Fish are friends, not food." I use that voice in my head when referring to routines with our kids. Routines are our friends because they provide the structure and security every child needs, whether they know it or not.

I've met parents so regimented they refuse to adjust a nap or lunch time no matter who is in town. 11:30 is the time, lunch is the agenda, period. They expect everyone else to follow their schedule. I've met parents who packed three backpacks and camped by the sea in Mexico with their toddler for six months. (When they returned, they said they'd never do that again.) I've met parents who go about their own routines and fit the child in - and are surprised to learn their kid is hungry after hours of touring open houses or whatever else was on their adult docket. I've met parents who pack a bag of age-appropriate toddler toys and leave it in the trunk while they visit friends and then follow the kid around the host house telling them "no!" I've been the parent so busy my little one didn't get a nap and experienced consequences of their late afternoon meltdown.

When my girl was 18 months old, we took her on a two-week vacation cross country. She had so many new sights and people to experience, she refused any nap the entire time. On the flight home, she had a super freak melt-down in my arms, wrestling and uncharacteristically pounding against me so hard she knocked my pearl earrings out of my ears. Once home, she solidly collapsed in her crib and slept straight for 24 hours. I learned the hard way that any change in routine impacts our wee ones mightily.

In working with kids and families for several decades, the biggest duh I've learned is that children crave routine. They need to know what comes next. If you are a shoot-from-the-hip carefree person like me, it will take extra work on your part to give your kids the framework they need. But it will be worth your efforts. Most kids want to feel regulated and experience a sense of order. No, they don't want or need a drill sergeant, but they do feel more secure when they can regularly experience routine and just plain know what to expect. My son taught me this as a toddler. He would always ask me what comes next and boom! I figured out that I needed to simmer down and regulate. You bet I did. After all, parenting is not about the parent - it's about giving the kids a secure, safe daily life.

Routines are friends. They may bore you like crazy, but being a parent is about stepping outside yourself and investing in smaller human beings who trust you for no reason at all. I say honor that innocence and provide them the emotional security they not only need, but truly require. That becomes their framework for development.

Breaking this down, it means that kids need a daily schedule. The more you follow the schedule - however loose - the better your kids will function. If you have a special needs child, this is not only important - it is essential. One missed appointment can set a special needs child back multiple steps. If you are making progress, a missed step can force you back to your starting point. No matter what is going on or how you feel, don't skip a routine. I can't tell you how many times I have seen parents regret that as their child continues to float. Keep on keeping on.

Another good thing about routines is that once you have them in place, your home can run itself and you get to just follow along without the pressure of having to come up with something. AND, you can "blame" the routine you have established. Example: "We go to bed at 8:00." "We take baths before bed." "We pack our lunch after dinner." You get the idea. Pouf - no more creation of new talking points. You can mentally rest with a big smile instead, and just love on your kids.

Remain neutral in your speech and go for a simple schedule that gives you a framework for your family to follow. Whatever you do, please do not become a controller. Be an upbeat, calm guider. Controllers drive people away forever. Guiders are there for life.

For instance: Kids will love that Tuesday night is Taco night. They will come to anticipate it and it will comfort them as they move through the turbulence of adolescence and get launched as young adults. Or...What if you establish two days a week as Laundry Day? They will know they get to help fold baskets full or put away stuff. You get the idea. The bigger the family, the more important routines become for obvious reasons.

Routines. The best friend a parent can ever have. Try it. You'll like it. Especially if you want your kids in your life as adults.

Just Put A Bowl of Cherrios On The Floor

When our itty bitties are itty and bitty, we naturally dole out nibblets like mama birds. I understand this. We want our darlings to keep nourished.

But as our precious ones get taller and attend school, I really don't think they need to sit in the nest and still and squawk for snacks to be spit into their billets. (Forget main meals - they can hear you ring the bell or clang the gong for that feed.) They know how to self-feed, don't they? Yet?

Here is what I don't understand: Parents who control snacks. Down to the time of day and number of crackers or apple slices. You know - the age when your kid is school-aged or even able to comprehend.Why give yourself more work? Do you really want to be tied in to more details than necessary?

"Tommy you can only have 3 Rtiz crackers or you will spoil your dinner! Do not even think about asking for one more!", "Sally, you are nine but I need you to ask me first before you get a glass of water and I need to pour it for you." "Roger, you did not finish your kale at lunch so forget any snack now!" These are just a few of the parent diatribes I frequently hear. They are followed by the bugle sound from the old Charlie Brown cartoons when the adult spoke... only now it's the whining from the kid who just wants a little something more to eat. The parent then spends another half hour saying
"no" multiple times.

Boring.

What is the big deal about counting their bites? Sure. If they want to eat a quart of ice cream a half hour before dinner. Or toast a loaf of bread --- unless they are a teen boy, don't worry. They will still eat dinner. Forget that bag of Cheetos. That's a duh.

But hey. If they just got home from school at 4:30 (and unfortunately, I know that happens way too often for elementary kids) please give them a snack!

So what if they get "too full" on veggies and fruits and can't eat all their "dinner"? Who cares?!  They ate well and got multiple servings from the magical Food Pyramid. It's not like they are "too full" of pizza or other conveyor-belt nothings. They ate real food and got full. Time to celebrate, not dictate.

Can you separate from what you experienced while growing up? Your kiddos really can exist along with you but not need to be attached like a leech. I have no memory of my Betty Crocker Mama putting a special cookie on a plate after school. Beaver's mom even poured a special glass of milk. (Bet he got out of school at 2:30!)

When my darlings were in elementary school, I kept the fridge stocked with veggies and fruits. There was a "Kid Zone" in the pantry where I kept repackaged cereal combinations with very little sugar. Let's just call that "gravel". They had full access and did not need to ask me a thing. Between the "gravel" and the fruits and veggies in the fridge, my kids could "free feed" just like our dog. They knew where "their" food was located, could have all the water they wanted and go to the bathroom without permission. I didn't care how much good stuff they ate or water they drank. Heck, add milk to that list. Just as long as they knew where the dishwasher, sink and garbage were.

When I observe parents unnecessarily inserting themselves into situations they make more complicated, I am stupefied. Why add more to the list? If you give your kids good guidelines and provide healthy snack options what does it matter to you?

For me, I didn't even know enough to want to save my brain cells and not waste my breath counting out the correct amount of Gold Fish crackers. Interrupting an adult conversation to go pour a glass of water my child was fully capable of doing did not occur to me. I just didn't see the need to control and simply wanted to raise emerging adults who would make positive decisions on their own.

Snacks? That is indeed sweating the very small stuff. Ahhh just call me lazy or ignorant. Either way, am I ever glad I didn't spend any time on food patrol.

Gots me two great ones!