No, You Don't Have To Support Everything Your Kid Does

Besides who won which Oscar, the Big Hollywood News trending this week is why a celebrity mother of a young actress who starred in a sexually controversial movie chose not to see her kid's movie. With a microphone in her face on The Red Carpet, mom Melanie Griffith admitted she did not plan to see the movie. Despite daughter Dakota Johnson's snippy interruptions that she would be seeing the movie - trying to soften mom's admission. Mom kept a smile on her face and calmly stated she did not wish to see her daughter under those circumstances. Dakota twitched.

Bravo to mom! Especially a celebrity mom with her kid "in the business", that took guts. Especially on A Big Night in North America on live television.

This brings me to the topic: How far should parents go in order to support their children? My abusive first husband's family stood stalwartly by his side pointing fingers at me when I finally said enough was enough and had him arrested. Friends told me "blood was thicker than water". Apparently, blood trumped cruel behavior? I've seen parents get blindly indignant when their cheating kid is caught, I've had parents argue with me because I advocated a child's punishment for what they did to break the law. I have seen parents hire the best lawyer to get their kid off from admittedly stealing a car or bailing them out of jail for their DUI. The Lifetime channel is full of movies about parents who supposedly "want the best" for their children and will do anything for them. Anything and everything.

Wrong.

If your kid is flunking, she is flunking. If your kid is stealing, he is stealing. It's your kid's Science Fair Project, not yours. Let your kids experience life's real consequences for their choices, don't give in to the temptation to fix it or over-help or sweep it under the carpet. You think you are protecting them but you are actually harming them.

It's one thing to love your bambinos to pieces, and quite another to respect their choices or even like the kid. Just because you are their parent doesn't mean you look the other way when they do something you don't approve of. And don't go thinking I'm saying you should become a judge! I'm talking about recognizing evil as evil, breaking the law as arrest-worthy, and immorality as immorality. I know one mom who wants her adult kid to like her so much she bites her lip when they bring the date home to have sex on her new couch and leave used condoms underneath. What? She believes if she "makes" her child mad, they will turn their back on her.

I love it when a parent speaks up gracefully and states what is not okay. Remember, our job is not to get our kids to like us, it's to raise a solid citizen. Just like leadership in any other venue, being liked is not as important as getting the right job done and seeing the big picture.

Hats off to a celebrity mom for standing her ground and not giving the expected response in hopes of pleasing Hollywood and getting a boost for her career. Now that's a woman worthy of respect. And the daughter? Not so much. And not just because she allowed Hollywood to use her for a trending money-maker, but because of her reaction to her mother at her event. Poor choice, Dakota. Your mom will always be your mama. And yep, sometimes it is okay not to be proud of an adult child's decisions.

"You Made Me Angry!!!"

Actually, no you didn't.

People can't "make" another person anything. It is up to the individual determining their response to the situation that brings in their own  emotions. No one else is responsible for our emotions. They all belong to lil' ol' us. Period.

Feeling angry? Fine. Just own that it is your response, not someone else's command. Sure. You might feel angry after experiencing something with another person. But they did not "make" you angry. It's not their fault you are angry or what you do with that anger.

I know someone who blamed his car accident on his mom dying. He was so angry, he crashed his car. It was his mom's fault. Not really. It was his fault because he was the driver. Instead of owning his responsibility, he shrugged off the blame and played the victim. If he would have said "I was so angry and preoccupied when my mom died, I totalled my car" it would have made more sense.

When my kids were small and would sulk at me "you made me angry!!!" I would always respond with "Nope. No one can make you have your feelings but you. You can tell me you are angry, but I did not cause your anger." That sure took the wind out of their sails and intitially they would stomp out of the room. Gradually they could separate the cause from their reactions and ceased to point the finger. They learned from a very short height that they are "the boss of their emotions" - no one else.

Another thing not to say is "I just can't help how angry I feel about ________." Yes, you can. Your anger is the result of this formula:  A + B = C. Your anger is C, what happened was A. B is your perception, your interpretation of what A means. It is your B that you need to figure out and possibly reframe.

Here's an example. When I was first married to my hubby, his exwife regularly did or said things regarding their child that I would seethe over. My husband on the other hand, would shrug it off. I wanted him to join me in anger and be as irritated as I was. He could care less because his B was different than mine. His B was "so what?" and my B was "no one should do this" and thus my C. Once I learned that it was what it was and she wasn't going to change, I released my anger and my B became an "oh well". It was very freeing.

So when you are faced with something that really pushes your anger buttons, sit yourself down and ask yourself how you are attaching meaning to that B. You may find out someone is doing somethng just like someone in your past, or that something reminds you of a time you were wronged or failed. Once you know this formula, you truly can become slow to anger and more cautious in your speech.

Now when I see a loud, angry person I don't cringe or fear. They are just displaying to the world a low level of maturity and demonstrating a lack of self control. I wish every child growing up in an angry household today could know this truth before it impacts them.

Oh, and just like no one can make you angry, no one can make you happy, either. But that's for another blog.

Sometimes, Child Abuse Looks Like This...

Sometimes, it looks like this...

We are all aware of the media stories, so I 'm not going there. It's horrible. But sometimes, child abuse lives in the suburbs and everyone looks "nice".

Since I am faced with families and kiddos working on overcoming emotional obstales each day, I get to think about lil' ol' me every once in awhile.

I had a controlling father that would demand that no door be locked and would burst in "just to check". The worst was the bathroom door - just because he could. As a child, all I knew was that the angry man was there and could not relax. As an adult dealing with IBS, I finally figured my out my struggle.

Gee Whiz. What that man did was completely degrading. No wonder I have spent so many years either conspitated or otherwise? Ever since I finally figured out the root of my decades of plague..-guess what? I also realized what this is called.

This is child abuse.

Forget the beatings and beratings That was already going on.

Just randomly jerking open the bathroom door to "check on/surprise" a child trying to "do business" and silently demanding them to normalize that ... so, so, so deplorable. But that's what I grew up with as a kid and thought it was "normal". I also thought being clogged up was, too.

A parent shaming their child while they perform a bodily function?  How much lower can you get? In North America, that is the ultimate of private acts. Gosh even our dog wanders out of sight when she goes.

I remember telling my mom once, finally. And then it stopped. I was 10.

But not for me physically. I still live with "issues". Since I figured out the source and no one is bursting in on me or degrading me any longer, I have had the best poop time in my life. Sadly, it's still IBS though.

Cheers to all my fellow IBS friends. I am certain this is also medical, but for me my medical was caused from an external source. This makes me sad for that little girl that used to clench her colon. But I understand that was all she knew.

Shame on anyone who views small children as objects of control and does not respect them as humans worthy of dignity just like everyone else. An awful lot of unhealthy or downright evil acts are normalized far too often. If this post causes one person to examine their motives and actions toward an innocent, dependent child it's worth it.

Anything you are doing because you can or you want it that way is your red flag. Stop passing on the batton of condemnation.