Dear Blog Friends

Thank you so much for your readership this year! You've increased my blog volume and encouraged me so much on this parenting journey. I value every one of your clicks, and am amazed at where you are reading me from. Russia, France...Malaysia to name just a few. Wow!

As we move into a new year of parenting, I wish you all the best as you add some more milestones in your quest to launch an awesome adult into this big, crazy world.

Keep on reading - lots more to come!

Best,
Christine

The Santa "Club"

I'm not talking membership, I'm talking that thing Fred Flintstone used to swing -- only invisible. The "club" parents use to reinforce their points. The thing they hold over their kids. That club.

We take small children barely comfortable with some close friends or relatives, dress them in their cutest outfits drag them to the mall and force them on the lap of a fake fat guy they've never even met. He says words not common in their everyday vocabulary like "Ho ho". At the same time educators and community volunteers are taught never to touch children, much less allow them on their laps. Side-hugs only people. Hello background checks. Yet in the name of that picture with Santa, we abandon all security measures and force a terrified toddler to climb on this stranger's lap and pretend it's okay. Teenage girls costumed as elves stand nearby jingling bells and waving feathers in order to distract the tears and catch that great photo op between frightened sobs. You can get your precious photo in about a minute and turn it into a coffee cup or t-shirt. If you are lucky, a proud mother with matching kid outfits will be sneering nearby because her darlings aren't afraid of strangers. Ooops. I mean Santa.

The crowning glory is when mall Santa looks down at the poor kid and then asks if they have "been good". Good? You know. Perfectly compliant. Doing everything parents want without so much as a blink. We all know what will happen if a child has not been "good" all year. It's terrible. Ever met someone who actually received a lump of coal? Most kids - even underprivileged ones - receive actual presents "from Santa".

Parents can add to their threats about "telling Santa" with the Elf on the Shelf. Introduced just a few years ago, this cute doll can be dressed as a girl or boy elf. Parents hide it around the house every night and kids wake up to see what hi-jinx Elfie has been into overnight. Most important: Elf reports in to Santa about kid behavior. So now there are two ways Santa can know everything.

At the risk of sounding like a scrooge, I submit it's all in the name of bribing children to "behave" and thus earn a present. It has nothing to do with actually impacting lifelong character.

Do we really want our kids doing things just to get a goodie? They aren't dogs. Every time I hear about a school teacher, piano instructor, Sunday School class or community program that rewards kids with pieces of candy, I cringe. If we teach our kids to perform for the sake of the reward without also teaching the moral equivalent, we have failed.

Yes, failed. That means your kids will do the "right thing" only for the goodie. Woof. Once the goodies are gone or your back is turned, they will be lost. Lost.

Is that what you want - a kid who looks good on the outside in front of your audience only when rewarded? Or, one that knows the difference and makes good choices on their own even when you aren't there to toss out a Hershey's Kiss?

How about for next year, parents employ Santa or Elf for fun and actually teach what it means to really "behave" and why? Resist the urge to use anything as a good behavior club. Those are empty threats anyway. Teach kids that presents are gifts, not rewards.Teach kids that sometimes we do things without expecting anything in return. That one sure is a head turner. Doing something just to do it? And actually trying to be good at it? Woa.

If we don't stop tossing out the rewards without substance, we'll deliver another  generation of young adults missing a moral compass only thinking about what subjectively adds to their lives. For more information on this, Netflix one of the versions of Stepford Wives or any other flick where things and prestige are more valued than character. Wait. You can just go out your front door, it's America without core values now.

Lunch With a Drill Sergeant

It's just a couple days before Christmas and I stopped to pick up some stocking stuffferes and meet a friend for a mocha. Thank you, Target for having Starbucks. I am not a fan of having to share the cafe with all the pizza from the food area but this will do in a pinch.

I picked a table off to the side and manoevered my cart through empty, salty tables. Just as I sat down, five little kids clad in warm winter wear clamored their way near my table. "Let's get this one!" cried the oldest (all of maybe seven). The others followed his lead, dragging chairs and settling in behind me til the dad appeared.

Apparently they are waiting for some hot food to be prepared to complete the meal and he only brought their sodas. "Don't throw it on the floor!" Scolded dad.

Scuffling chair scraping.

"I spilled my pop. I spilled my pop. I spilled my pop." Chirped a little one while dad was giving seating directions.

"Where is our food???" "We just ordered, they're making it."

"Sit on your butt."

"Butt, butt."

"Stop it."

"Take your jacket off."

"Stop it."

"You eat your sauce."

"Don't touch."

"Chew it."

"Be nice."

When dad left them again presumabley to get the food, an arguement erupted as the same brother told to be nice began ordering a little sister to "get off my world" over and over. "No! No!"shrieked little sister as she clenched a handheld game. "Get OFF my world!"

Dad came back and began to negotiate. "Stop talking or I'll put you bed. How bout this? She's not in your world." His was not confident and by his tone you could tell he cajoled often. When the kids disagreed with his world-deal, he began, "honey, honey" trying to quell emotions.

The rest of their meal was accompanied by kid whines and more parental pleads.

Across the seating area at the counter in front of me I hear:

"I don't know, I just know I didn't do it." Giggled another child sitting next to her father.  He only had three kids with him and was laid-back and grinning. I watched him tenderly sweep hair off the face of one of his girls and tell them what they were going to go get mom after this. He followed by asking open questions that all three piped up to answer. They were conversing. Not once did he 'have' to tell his wigglers to do a thing. Yes they were spinning on the stools as they ate, but wouldn't you if you were eight? They statyed put and were fully engaged with their father.

Okay, so the gang of five had more little people but this illustrates two parenting extremes. (Right next to my quiet table.) One parent reacted and lacked authority in his kids' eyes. The other parent guided the activity and had full authority. His used his position confidently but loosely. The other one merely threw out commands hoping they'd stick. The kids at his table were not having fun, they were merely being herded. The other kids were giggling and enjoying some time with dad.

Two fathers. Two extremes. Which one's kids are going to have a fond memory about the day they went Christmas shopping with dad and stopped for lunch?

Blame it on "Affluenza"

Have you heard the horror story about the 16-year-old boy from Texas arrested for DUI? He was well over the legal limit - not to mention under age - when he plowed into a group of people going 30 mph over the limit killing 4 and injuring 7. The judge sentenced him to ten year's probation but a year prior threw the book at a younger drunk driver. The difference is that this is the last year on the bench for the judge coupled with the defense that the child suffered from "affluenza" (affluence) and did not know the consequences of his actions. That unbelieveable statement was accepted in a court of law and the excuse isn't even a real word.

This kid not only didn't "know how to process", he had access to alcholol and a vehicle. (My kids learned that driving was a privilege, not a right and turning any age number did not qualify them as a driving candidate. It's their character that counts first.) Who lets someone that unaware get behind the wheel of a car and encounter the lives of many other innocent people??

Apparently, this rich kid's parents did. The attorney they hired to get him off even invented a new word and convinced a judge that it's crippling to have money which therefore made this poor kid unable to comprehend consequences of his actions. Affluenza.

Oh really. He's unable to realize what happens next?

Did this kid understand the "consequences" of his new haircut or clothes? That eating takes away hunger pains? Or inserting his parents' ATM card churns out a bunch of green? What about slapping a mosquito as it bites your leg?

Oh he knew what "consequences" were alright - just not ones that don't spare him from reality. He was pampered and coddled and protected from just about anything a non-rich kid who is better parented experiences.

To further protect this unfazed boy, the family hired some professional to deem him mentally only the age of  twelve. Oh really? Then why oh why was he allowed behind the wheel in the first place? 

Where is the parent public comment grieving over what their son caused? Where are their condolences to the victims and families? And what about their 12/16-year-old's apology? Do they even care about the lives lost or destroyed since they prevailed in court?

Just because a court has made a ruling does not mean justice has been served and this case is the perfect illustration. It only points more sharply to parenting without conscience. Yes, the boy committed the act, but his parents gave him the support in order to behave the way he did. Oh yes they did.

They "supported" him by the actions they did or did not take. By being too busy to parent, overlooking behaviors or paying for legal eagles to create a new word to defend their guilty son is indeed supporting him. Doing something, ignoring something or doing nothing are all actions. And this "action" in whatever form it took enabled their minor child to continue to think he is exempt from routine behaviors necessary to become a functional solid citizen in the world.

As a long-time child advocate, I am disgusted that parents poorly influenced their son before, during and after this trial. Worse yet, lives were lost! That is the real headline. Families and friends have been tragically impacted. Other victims suffered life-long injuries. The circle of influence for this one act has a huge radius that extends far into the future.

Not only does the causer of this horrible accident apparently have no moral conscience (remember, he has legally been declared to lack the ability to be aware of consequences), his parents, a judge and a defense lawyer have conspired to excuse him and sweep it under the rug.

Funny thing about reality though. You can't pretend it didn't happen.

Prayers for eyes to open and hearts to acknowledge what really happened and why. Most of all, that articulate excuses are no replacement for justice.

This is a huge scale example of what happens all the time on a smaller scale when parents fight kids' battles, argue with coaches, do their homework or cajole. If parents cared enough to equip their kids in the first place and not fix their failures, we wouldn't hear about these horror stories in the first place.

A Box of Rocks

When I was in second grade, school budgets included teaching the arts. We had a music teacher who came into our class several times each week in order to teach us music fundamentals. Something North American children born in the past 30 years would know nothing about.

One week our musically trained teacher was teaching our class about rhythm. She toted in a crate of beautiful tambourines - enough for just about every one of the 28 kids in the room. She began passing out the tambourines, and each recipient marveled at the shiny metal clapper things and the taut drum-like surface. I remember eagerly waiting at my desk to receive the one for me. I must have been sitting off to the side, because shortly before she reached me, the music teacher informed the class that there weren't quite enough for everyone. Some of us would be using an alternative, but that would work just as well.

The remaining 3 second graders - me included - were given empty individual milk cartons taped shut with rocks inside. You can imagine our disappointment and no, the clunking rocks in the wax cartons sounded nothing like the glorious tinkles made by the 25 nice and new tambourines. All three of us frowned and barely jiggled our milk cartons during the lesson. Our regular teacher rose from her desk and scolded us for not being better participants. The other 25 kids snickered at us.

That was my music introduction as a young child. While it certainly wasn't fun, I went on to become an average flute and piccolo player for awhile. Don't ask me about guitar.

Fast forward to when I became a mom.

I wanted each of my kids to have a better experience early on so I signed them up for the church Christmas musical and/or the school's Christmas performance. They were taught by people enthusiastic about music and children. They learned to sing, be part of a group, rehearse and perform. They each only did it for a couple of years and by the time they were the age when I got that magical box of rocks, their interest had waned. They had fun rehearsing in the car and with the group, and those songs "got stuck" in their heads.

The other day I had the good fortune to attend a children's Christmas concert at a large church. The kids were in several choirs and interchanged on the stage for an hour. There was even a hand bell choir - I'd never heard one of those before but I know handbells are difficult to play. Video screens allowed the audience to see close-ups of bright eyes, sweet lips, chubby cheeks and noses getting picked. We saw fidgeters, big hair bows and special Christmas attire. The children were between age 4 and 10. None of them were mine or even friends' of mine. They were just sweet, innocent and trusting. It was wonderful to both watch and listen... and wonder about their futures. I teared up as I always do when I see groups of kids earnestly performing and said silent prayers for blessings for their futures.

Every young child should participate in at least one Christmas concert. Even if they are less than musically inclined, they can enjoy their contributions as well as the music. They can create memories not only for themselves, but for their friends and family members tapping away on their smart phones to capture the moments.

As I sat admiring this group of scrubbed, shiny-cheeked youngsters, I thought back on my two babies and how many times we heard each song as they practiced. I remembered my delight in purchasing a new Christmas outfit and giggling from the audience when they were off on gestures or lost attention. My girl at age 3 was reaching her little arms to the sky as an angel when she noticed the sparkly polish on her fingernails and became mesmerized. She turned to the little girl next to her and they both forgot about the performance and marveled at those fingernails. It cracked the entire audience up and made the event even more special for everyone. I will always treasure that moment in my heart. It passed all too quickly.

There were many other children in the audience enjoying the performance, including toddlers who were spellbound every time the music started up. Music reaches deep within each one of us and touches our hearts. How wonderful to have uplifting music flowing through our memories. In today's fast-paced, technologically-driven world, a bit of exposure to tradition goes a long way.

The Real Missing Piece

One of my favorite children's books is by Shel Silverstein, called The Missing Piece. It's the story of an almost-circle traveling around looking for a pie-shaped wedge that will complete him. 

There are many ways to interpret this analogy, but have you thought about it like this?

Ever heard the saying that there is a space within the soul of every child that only God can fill? While they are young, that space is open and kids are most receptive to learn about him. As they grow, the space shrinks and they lose the innocent trust that was once waiting within. Statistics tell us that the chance of a child developing a faith relationship with Christ reduces by huge percentages by the time they graduate high school. 

In fact, the magic number is closer to nine years of age. Those first nine years lay the foundation for how a child interprets faith the rest of his life. It doesn't mean they can't have a relationship, it just tells us how they will understand it. Statistician George Barna outlines the need for families and churches to value those early years with solid teaching in his book, Raising Spiritual Champions. I recommend that every parent, pastor and Sunday School teacher read this and take heed. Capitalize, if you will, on the openness of those first nine years.

The other day I was working with a six-year-old little boy and his mother. He has several behavioral learning disabilities and is smart as a whip. Because of his behavior, he spent most of kindergarten in the "lockout room" removed from the rest of his class. Now he's in first grade in a special school for "those kind of kids". I work with him on his self-control and encourage him in social skills. He is doing great. He has demonstrated a strong singing voice but when I suggested to his mom that she sign him up for a church kids choir, she shook her head and told me they don't "do church". Back to the other day. He had just completed his  "All About Me Poster" and we were all talking. As we talked, he embellished his poster.

I noticed that he was making what looked like the capital letter "T" (his penmanship is a bit rough) but actually looked more like crosses. Nonchalantly, I tapped his poster and said "what are those?" He paused and soberly looked up at me and said "Those are crosses. Don't you know? The guy who died on the cross?!" He couldn't believe I hadn't heard. Goosebumps ran up and down my arms. God was at work in this little guy's heart and he was taking in whatever he could get. This little fellow just needs his missing piece.

Casually, I told the mom about my theory of the missing piece and this time she listened. She wanted to go to a "cool church" so I told her just the one to try that is for people who "don't do church". There's even a slide in the kids area. Guess what? She was intrigued!

Every child has a place within just waiting to be filled by Christ. As parents, it is our primary responsibility to see that it is. Smart churches have the staff and programming in place not only to teach the kids, but coach the parents, too. I cannot count how many parents have told me they feel inadequate to teach their children about God. My response is always the same. "Perfect!"

Say what?! That's just where God wants each of us. Open and teachable. That's why churches exist - to equip us on our journeys - so that we in turn can impact others. Learn right along with your kids if you are new to all of this - that's what many parents I've worked with have done. A lot of them sign up to help in a Sunday School class because they are learning as they prepare as well as when they spend time with the kids. If you have never stepped inside a kids class on a Sunday, try it. You will be amazed at what they say and what they ask. At every age.

The point is to be intentional with the spiritual teaching your children are getting. They need to know what it means that God loves them and how it came to be that they can have a relationship with him because of his son Jesus Christ. It is the most important teaching they will ever get and it is on-going. The sooner they begin learning this, the stronger they will be as they navigate the challenges of growing up. A good church can help you guide your child to find her "missing piece" and help you help them grow.

To Santa or Not to Santa?

One of my favorite Christmas films of all time that never fails to put me in the "Christmas spirit" is the 1947 movie form 20th Century-Fox: Miracle on 34th Street. It's a story of a single mother jaded by miracles who has taught her little girl to be reasonable and never use her imagination. The mom is the producer of the famous Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and ends up having to a hire a new Santa Claus at the last minute. Kris Kringle is in the right place at the right time. He brings some new thinking to their lives.

This sweet story became a surprise hit and was nominated for a Best Picture Oscar in 1948. It won three Academy Awards (two for writing and Best Supporting Actor). In 2006, it ranked #9 on the American Film Institute's list of 100 Most Inspiring Movies of All Time. It stars Maureen O'Hara, a young Natalie Wood as her daughter and Edmund Gwenn as Kris Kringle (Best Supporting Actor and he wasn't even the first choice for the part!).  The fact that it was a Christmas film was initially kept under wraps because the studio released it in the summer to capture the larger movie-going audience. The parade scenes in the movie are from the actual 1946 parade and guess who was the parade Santa that year? Yup, Edmund Gwenn. The scenes from the Macy's store are also filmed in the actual NYC flagship store. When the film was released, Macy stores actually closed for a half day so that all 12,000 employees could go see the first showing. There have been a number of remakes since 1947, but none so charming as the original.

Every year after Thanksgiving, our family sits down to enjoy the story once again. It puts perspective on Santa Claus. I'm not going to spoil it for you if you haven't seen it. Watch it and see for yourself. It can even be a spring board for talking about Santa with your children.

Which brings me to one of the controversial parenting questions I hear. Should we teach our children about Santa Claus? There are two extremes I've seen. The families that go all-out for Santa, ignoring the birth of Christ completely and teaching their kids Santa is real and ever-watching and they "had better be good or he'll find out." They show their kids the websites where you can contact Santa and call NORAD on Christmas Eve. No Nativity scenes or angels for them - but snowmen are okay. Then there's the other end of the spectrum where Santa has no part of a "real" Christmas, it's "a pagan idea" along with the Christmas tree. The holiday is solely about the birth of Christ and that's it.

I think both approaches miss something, and in our family and others that we know there is a blending as sweet as the Miracle on 34th Street movie. We decorate for Christmas with a tree containing ornaments collected each year that have unique meanings. Just setting up the tree sparks many happy memories and conversations. This tradition has become even more important the older our kids get. We hang up stockings that I made. Oh my has my handiwork and style evolved over the years! There are even stockings for our pets. Some years we have lights and boughs outside, some years we set up our Christmas village. When the kids were little, I displayed their pictures with Santa.

Yes, I said Santa. I took my kids each year - dressed in their nicest outfits - to have a picture taken with the mall Santa. It was fun to see how the kids had grown from year to year. So I took them to Santa for the picture. And I told my kids that many families tell their children that Santa brings presents while they sleep on Christmas Eve. He travels the world with his toy-packed sleigh led by flying reindeer. I presented this as an idea, not a fact. Our kids learned that long ago there was a real man who loved to give presents to children and his name was Saint Nicholas. Over the years, that name has morphed into Santa Claus and created an entire industry. We left presents out on behalf of Santa (now we fill stockings) but they always knew who was really behind it. It was just nostalgic fun. And we instructed the kids never to talk about Santa with other kids, because their families might be teaching them he is real. They kept their mouths shut and enjoyed our entire Christmas.

A great children's book you can use with your family that discusses Santa, Saint Nicholas and Jesus is Santa Are You For Real? by Harold Myra. It echoes what I am talking about.

The main focus for us was and is the celebration of Christ's birth. We focus on giving, not getting. Each child got 3 gifts just like Jesus did. We attend church and re-read Christ's birth story from the Bible. We play a variety of music - from traditional carols to worship songs. One of our favorite songs is "Mary Did You Know?" It never ceases to bring tears of awe. If you Google it, you can find links to a number of versions to listen to (Kathy Mattea does it for us).

Call us blenders. We've taken different elements and created our own traditions. Since Chrstmas is about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ, he's our focus. Every year, it gets less about stuff and more about  celebrating as we enjoy time with those we love.

"We Have to Cut Back This Christmas"

I've heard this statement many times over the past six years - ever since the economy tanked and unemployment soared. People with fantastic resumes, solid careers and stellar experience in any number of fields found themselves victims of downsizing and competing with teens for entry level Target jobs at an 80% cut in pay just to literally keep bread on the table.

These families have been hit hard. With the job loss comes the threat of bankruptcy, foreclosure or both. We live in one of the hardest hit counties in our state and know dozens of families whose lives have taken severe turns in the past few years. They've lost homes, vehicles, businesses and retirement funds while struggling to raise their children at a time when the cost of living only continues to rise. Their children continue to need to eat, outgrow winter coats and see the dentist. They want their children to continue to participate in sports or recreation programs or music lessons. All of this costs money they no longer have so much of.

The people I know that fear the sheriff's notice on the door are hard working and continue to job hunt. They have cut back on themselves while putting any extra pennies toward those dance lessons or soccer uniforms. Target and other big box retailers no longer have to worry about finding good people to hire - the options are endless. A local bank president dignifiedly donned his red shirt and khakis when his institution folded overnight. A bank president.

So as parents, what do we do at Christmas time when the media bombards us with all the gift giving magic we're supposed to experience? The BMW commercial with the car at the front door and the ginormous red bow? The fruit commercial where even your mailman gets this special array? The end-caps with holiday packaged pump soap and plastic bags? Everywhere we turn we are "told" to celebrate by spending and getting.

Not only is this the time for financially strapped parents to take a step back and evaluate how they approach gifting, I think it's the time for every family to retool.

For the struggling families - even those who receive state or non-profit "Christmas assistance" to "gift" the kids - think about this. Why pretend all is well when it isn't? The number of parents who insist on flooding their kids with gallons of gifts they can't afford stuns me. It is okay to have a careful Christmas. When I share this thought, people look at me strangely. So I repeat myself.

I think it is okay to gently share the financial reality with your kids. You do not overburden them, but you certainly can let them know what you can afford. Just make the statement simple and remain calm. "Everyone is going to get 2 presents. One will be something they need and one will be a toy." If you have to worry that your kids won't be happy or have a "good" Christmas based upon the number or value of their presents, you have been teaching the wrong message.

Contrary to the media's message, Christmas is not about Santa and "what you want". (Ever watched a toddler more fascinated with the unwrapping than the actual gift?) It's not about how many things you open or how much money is spent. It is supposed to be about the birth of Jesus Christ (The Savior we sing about in Christmas carols - that guy). The trees, the gifts, the food -- that is all just culturally added stuff. If you teach your kids that it is Jesus's birthday party, you're on the right track. I know people who actually bake cupcakes with their kids to make the point. When our kids were little, we limited each child to three gifts to mimic the three gifts Jesus received from each traveling Wise Man. We filled stockings with all kinds of goodies, but as the kids aged we changed the contents to more silly items and candy rather than more gift cards.

Each year, we have tried to participate in some form of reaching out to those less fortunate than us. Even on the years when we were the less fortunate ones. Six years ago we became one of those families I began this blog talking about. Six years ago we were forced to change our Christmas even further. Six years ago we became free of stuff, more resilient to the media and have delighted in the best Christmases ever.

Christmas became family-focused on our memories, food and time together. We have anticipated and enjoyed wonderful meals and cut back on gifts even further. A well-thought out ornament is more meaningful than another "thing" to dust. Making a quilt or crafting something from Pinterest is far more personal than a mall item. There is no "what-do-I-get-them" stress, cuz we don't. We were primed for this because we had already been taking baby steps.

Baby steps? We stopped sending cards over a decade ago - they're just too expensive with postage. Even longer ago we pulled our kids out of the extended family gift exchanges because we didn't want them getting more stuff. We wanted them to develop the ability to appreciate simple gestures, not drowning under wrapping paper. Sometimes we even combined birthday and Christmas gifts into one item that further enhanced our goal.

Our result? A happy, stress-free Christmas season culminating with a wonderful celebration of Christ's birth.  We use the time we aren't in the malls or fighting for parking spaces to do something simple together. Like decorate the tree, make cookies, or laugh at a TV show. Our kids value memories over stuff and we have no apologies or regrets.

Oh, and one year I even dared myself not to do a tree! Guess what? It was still Christmas here.

Mom, Mom, Mom, Mommy, Mommy

Are you familiar with the animated TV show Family Guy? I'm not. Just the commercial where little Stewie stands in a doorway saying "Mom. Mom. Mom. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mama. Mama." His irritated mother sighs, "What?"

"Hi." That's all he wanted to say. Just hi. But he hammered away to get her attention first.

Most of us have probably felt exhausted from similar demands from our smaller kids. I know that's why I laugh at this commercial now. In fact my senior son and I have turned it into a joke.

Have you ever been at a friend's house engaged in a serious conversation when one of their kids trots into the room and asks for something? Perhaps even something they could do for themselves. "May I eat a carrot?" "Can I go to the bathroom?" "Will you pour me some water?" Anything like these I say they should be able to do for themselves. But I've seen the mom go get that carrot, interrupting the synch of our conversation at the same time scolding that kid she is talking with another adult.

What about when a sibling tumbles in and says the other one won't let them play the Wii? Or tattles about the mean face that was made? The mom marches to the foot of the stairs and calls out for all the kids to play nice, then returns to you with a sigh. A few minutes later both of these scenarios are repeated only this time it's too close to dinner so absolutely no snack. As they pour their own water, the mom says to you "Just a sec - Hey!! Don't spill on my clean floor!" then returns to the disjointed conversation.

Some moms can tell the future so they lecture ahead of time. You are on the phone this time and she pulls away to tell the kids they had better not drop those towels on the floor like the last time. Or, they see their kid doing a craft and have to tell them this very minute that the glue should be dotted like this instead.

All the while, you are waiting patiently to continue the conversation but by now you have lost your train of thought. The mom complains about how needy her kids are and how she can't get much done because of them.

She doesn't realize she has created all of this by the way they micromanage or hover. I like to call it helicopter  parenting. Always there, aware of everything going on and ready to direct, fix or opine. It's one of the worst things we can do as parents. Offering to guide and narrate everything going on in the house - or in their lives. When will it be okay for these kids to begin to make their own decisions? Are they going to wait until driver's ed class?

Start with the little things and build. Tell your kids they can play the Wii for whatever period of time you pick and that they have to work out their own turns. Then step out of it and go do something else. If one of them comes to tell on the other, calmly turn off the game. Repeat each time until they get the idea that their time with the Wii is their time - not yours to supervise. I believe kids as young as 5 should learn how to pour water and get simple snacks. Rather than teaching them to ask mother bird for every worm, establish guidelines where they have the freedom to serve themselves according to your household rules. If they don't follow, they don't get to do it next time.

Most moms will agree that as soon as they begin talking on the phone or visiting with another adult, their kids flock to their side suddenly in dire need to say something. Here's a simple "Interruption Technique" I like to teach. When your child has something to say, they come and stand quietly next to you and tap you gently on the arm, and wait. You continue to talk, but tap your child back on their arm. The "code" you just used without saying a thing was that he has something to say and you are  acknowledging him, and when you are done with your sentence he will be addressed. Kids love hearing they get to have a code with you! And if you are upbeat when you teach this, they'll follow. Tell them how great they are doing and you've just nipped a major chunk of interruptions out of your future.

Snot Moms and Your ADHD Child

Have you met them? Their hair is perfect, their bodies lean and they parent with ease. Not only that, of course their kids are compliant, neatly dressed and well-behaved.

While your kid is running around their pool channeling ADHD and offending every other calm five-year-old, their kid is hosting a dainty tea party in the shallow end or carefully touching their toe into the water. When your kid burps at their sweetly pig-tailed one who recoils with a squak, the perfectly coifed mom glares over at you because of your moral failure now being demonstrated by your child's beastly behavior.

While you wrestle your wild child to the ground in order to dry them off before leaving this fun party, everyone stares and then nods toward each other. Your hair falls out of the clips and your shirt pulls up during the tussle. No doubt you'll get a bruise from this. Yes indeed, you represent the worst parenting there is and worse yet, they have labeled your child as a bad seed. These moms vibe one another and cross their legs in unison as they all look away from your big fat mess. You saddle up and trudge out the garden gate to your car. So much for the kindergarten class party.

Not only will they not friend you, they will ignore your child. Depending on your school, this could make quite an impact when they send birthday party invitations to every child in the class except yours. Your child comes home bewildered having seen the invites delivered in front of everyone, and wonders why they weren't chosen. Even if you go on the field trip with him, there is no guaranteed your presence will influence calmer behavior.

Hello, that struggling mom was me and I wouldn't change a single thing in my life at that time. Not for a health club or better hair, and certainly not my child. God bless those snotty moms judging me and my beloved child. That wiggle-worm, impulsive, compulsive noise-making, dirt attractor and irritating 5-year-old is becoming one of the most amazing people I have ever known, much less parented. And he is yet to graduate high school.

Those snots that refused friendship and excluded birthday party invitations were ignorant and judgmental. Their shunning quickly taught me that I needed to learn how to support and coach my kid in the face of what loomed to be on-going judgement not to mention serious struggles to pay attention.  After all, part of life is learning how to behave in socially appropriate ways. We want to attract people - not shoo them away. I had to advocate for him often, as well as discipline his socks off. Unfortunately, because he got labeled so early due to his hyper-impulsiveness, anything he did was initially believed to be an intentional act. We got our own labels as bad parents. And yes, he got kicked out of two daycares and two preschools.

Finally, he was old enough to test. We tested for allergies (guess who had a high senistivity even to natural  sugars?) and we tested intelligence (turns out he has superior intellect) and of course for ADHD. Once he got on his meds and we figured out which ones and how often, he simmered down and could focus. We taught him he was the boss of his brain, so he could focus on his teacher or his finger tip. We never told him he had ADHD, we only told him he needed focus pills to help all the activity in his smart brain simmer down so he could focus. We role-played, coached and rewarded, cried, laughed and continually begged God for help.

It seemed that people were only pleased with the behavior of the quiet and compliant children that never spoke out of turn. Intollerant teachers spent time trying to force our boy to be just like the others and were frustrated when it appeared he wouldn't listen. I don't want any kid to be just like any others, least of all my kid. I want to know how they think and what they think and how they dream. I don't want to control them nor turn them into little performers. With God's grace, I want them to become who they should be and I am there to coach them along the way to be a kind citizen.

The kid who was so judged does not judge others. He never started anything, but he will defend himself - and when he sees bullying, he tells the kids to knock it off. He sees the spectrum of human behavior and dismisses no one. While he respects the right of everyone to be on this planet, he will not ask a girl out if he has seen her being rude to someone. He is courteous and thoughtful and strong -  both physically and mentally. People that have met him after age 9 do not believe my stories of his ADHD because it's gone. We stopped the meds after a year when he told us he "didn't like the way he feels" when he takes his focus pills. Okay, we said. But you will have to work extra hard to help your brain focus. And over the next couple of years he did.

I think any parent with no compassion for a child that doesn't fit a mold for whatever the reason is a snot mom. Kids with mental or physical diagnosis take extra effort to parent and educate. Their families are worn out and many times they struggle alone if no extended family lives nearby. I can't count very high the number of people that loved us through our battle to raise our wild child. One of them was the cashier in the grocery store who encouraged me while every other shopper stared aghast at the screaming fit my 13 month old was having in the cart. To this day I remember her kind smile. She made a difference in more that just that interaction.

When we stop to think beyond a snap judgement and give that annoying kid a chance we are blessing her and her parent that is struggling more than you'll ever know. Try it. You'll probably never know you made a difference in their lives, but know that you did indeed.

No! No Nothing!

Recently I was checking out at Target, and a frustrated mom behind me was attempting to control her two kids. A boy about 7 and a girl about 5 is my age guess.

As they plopped down the sale Halloween costume behind me, an excited brother began hugging and lifting his giggling sister. They were moving a bit and gently bumped into me, but it was all sibling silliness so I grinned. Mom on the other hand would have none of this. "No!" She scolded." No! Stop that! That is inappropriate. No! Don't touch each other!!!"

The kids untagled themselves and began doing other normal sibling things as they waited in line. Again I hear mom say, "No! No! No stop that, don't do that!" Followed by the ultimate command, "NO talking!"

Of course that didn't stop the (minimal) chatter or the giggles from her kids. As the cashier finished bagging my groceries, we heard mom utter "no" at least another dozen times. The kids were never loud nor did they leave their mom's bubble. They remained smiling and upbeat but mom was stern and throwing out "no-bombs" every other breath.

The kids were not defiant or bratty. They were just kids. Kids move and kids chatter. Mom has already used up her lifetime clout for the word "no" and neither one of them is any where near the teen years. By over-using and misapplying this word, the kids have become desensitized to it. And sadly, they don't respect their mother because of it. Now she is the fun-buster who continues to show them that she doesn't understand kids and wants to control every aspect of their lives - including how they stand in line.

Parents - please do teach your children how to stand in line by not intruding on other's body space or touching goods for sale you aren't buying. Please do teach your children to stand near you and use quiet voices. And please, please please teach your children that in North America when you walk store aisles you do so on the right and do not block other customers. But there is no need to order your children to stand completely still and not utter a peep. What's next? Telling them what to think?

And, when you teach them you demonstrate and use simple words in a pleasant tone.  You say "We stand like this in line" or "We only touch things we are buying" or "Thanks for standing near me". We don't start anything with the word "No" unless their life is at risk. Yes, we can answer a request with the word no, that's different that starting a sentence with it - especially one we are using to train our kids.

Remember to use age-appropriate phrases in a tone expecting they will comply. When you show the level of your frustration, you invite them to test you by continuing. A gently phrased statement works wonders. All this mom needed to do was say, "We are keeping our arms to ourselves. Tommy will you come next to me please?" That interrupts the antsy behavior and reduces the possibility of escalation. She could even ruffle his hair with a loving gesture when he complied.

If the kids were those terrors we often see, mom should leave the store and the costume behind, simply telling the cashier she is sorry her kids were being disrespectful and there would be no shopping today. The drive home should be silent. No ranting. And the next time mom goes to the store, the kids do not have the privelidge of coming along.

Everywhere you go is an opportunity to model behavior and teach your children how to be a pleasant citzen. But they don't need lectures, and they don't need to be micromanaged. No, they don't.

Survivor Parenting

Are you a parent going through a crisis? You and your kids have stared horror in the face. At first you learned to put one foot in front of the other and a pot of dinner on the table.  You watched yourself go through the motions. Then reality and adrenaline hit and you went into survivor mode - doing everything a fierce parent-bear would do to protect their cubs. You and your kids bonded while learning to fight the battle and survive the war. You are survivors!

This is a toughie. Those of us who once navigated terror have come out on the other side, shaking off the dust or the water beads. We have traveled to hell and back, clung to each other and prayed fervently. I often refer to this as having crawled under the barbed wire together.

At some point, the active horror ends. What do we do then with our "escapee-survivor" relationships? How do we move on and leave this terror as a dot in the rearview mirror?

I've met two kinds of  "escapee-survivors". The sad kind that continue to live and define themselves by reliving it and giving it space in their mind and heart, and the amazing kind who survived a prison camp but you wouldn't know it by the lives they lead. Then of course, I've met those who misuse the word "crisis" and apply it to something polar opposite such as a messy bathroom while pregnant. One woman was "in crisis" and couldn't cook dinner. When the church meal brigade stopped over with an entire dinner for the family, she was out getting a manicure. These people I run from, but I will sit by the side of anyone wanting to work through and conquer any day.

So just how do we go from the horror to moving ahead without wrecking our kids?

First of all, recognize that this will take some time to fully accept and process. You may have some forgiving to do, too. Just because it will take time doesn't mean you can't make steps. One of those should be to the office of a qualified counselor. Find someone with experience in your area of need and be aware that this crisis may trigger other issues. A good counselor will help you identify and manage your triggers. Your children may need counseling, too. Again, find one experienced in the area they need help. Don't be shy about asking questions on the phone.

Second, take care of yourself. Bubble baths, warm showers, naps. And if you're a girl, sure why not get a manicure? (Just don't tell the church you can't cook dinner.) The point is to treat yourself kindly. You need your strength, whatever it is, to deal with the kids. Do not put yourself in social positions that could add to your pain. Getting divorced? Don't feel obligated to attend a wedding. Limit what you read or watch to things that won't remind you of your crisis. In short, be careful. The more self care you provide, you will be able to parent in a calmer manner.

Third, watch who you confide in. You do not need many confidants. Recently I met a mom in a really tough situation so I was giving her support - until I found out she had 7 others on her chat list. Then I told her to reign in select carefully. You do not need to hear yourself repeating sad or bad things over and over. And not everyone can support you. The best crisis advice I received was from two good friends who came to me and told me they would be my PR. So instead of answering mail, messages and the door - they took over and filtered for me. They gave out just the right amount of information for my privacy and shouldered my burden. My load felt so much lighter and my days were not as heavy.

Fourth, return the household to consistent operations as quickly as possible. Kids are most secure with schedules and expectations made clear. With everything that is going on, they need to know that comfort now more than ever. Even if you have changed your living arrangements, you can still eat at the same time and have that bedtime story. This will be soothing for you, too.

Fifth, resist the temptation to confide in your kids or rely on them to take an adult's place. They are still kids even though what they have seen and experienced is beyond what you would ever want them to know. As much as you want to have fun with them - and you should - they are not your friends.  They need you to be the adult. They want the hierarchy in place - don't take it away from them. You don't need to give more information than is age appropriate for them to handle.

Finally, picture your lives moving along out loud. Envision what the rebuilt home will look like. Talk about positive things. You don't want to act as if the crisis never happened, but you do not need to relive it daily either. I've met both extremes and neither is healthy. Find the healthy balance and stay in that zone.

Never estimate the power of a grunted prayer. You may be so broken that's all you can get out. You may not have the words to share with God, but God is still God. The good news is that he is beyond our words and is right there with you amidst the grunts and swollen eyes crying on the bedroom floor. The more you pray as you go through and move past, the more trust you will have and the more you will be reminded that the Creator of the Universe truly has you in the palm of his hand - all the time.

My prayer for any reader in crisis is that one day, it will become a speck in your rearview mirror and you too can encourage others.

Conquering Morning Mayhem

I dream of mornings that unveil a day where time moves slowly and everything is smooth and orderly. In order to pretend I had such a start to my day when my kids were little, I would do as much as possible ahead of time the night before so we could think we were waltzing - not rushing - out the door. Despite my best efforts, most mornings offered unexpected detours that cooled our zen.

Lost keys, dog poop or the discovery that what I'd chosen to wear had an obvious stain were just some of the "opportunities" to overcome in the dash to exit on time. We dealt with it and lived through it. With each birthday things got smoother... But remember with kids 10 years apart, that took longer. On the other hand, with that big age gap, at least I was only helping one kid at a time put on their shoes and adjust that sock so it didn't bug them.

My morning mayhem stories are mostly worth a chuckle, and that mayhem is now part of history. We made it through! But what if you have a special needs child on top of the routines requiring parental intervention and supervision? This season is not going to fade away on any predictable timeline, but you can set up some routines that can help your child and your family manage.

If your family is struggling, here are some pointers that work:

First of all, limit the household activity to the goal of getting up and out on time. Don't add extra people or tasks. Parents with special needs kids don't need to supervise sibling piano practice or friends waiting for the bus.

Siblings should get set up to leave the night before. Shower. Pack the backpack, sign the parent permission slip, make the lunch and put it in the fridge. Lay out tomorrow's outfit. Kids as young as 5 can help butter their bread or put fruit in the lunchbox.

Share in the task of getting breakfast ready for the family. Older siblings can set the table and put out cereal and fruit. If you are really brave, pick a day a week to serve a hot meal with similar help. Teach everyone to rinse their dishes when they are done. At least leave the breakfast table cleared.

For any child who is more anxious, the more consistent the routine, the better. Children like to know what to expect. It provides security.

Something I recently introduced is a hands-on morning management technique. The parent picked just two things to focus on for the special needs child. I made them a "Feed the Fish" poster with a colorful, textured fish they could "feed" each time the child accomplished those two things. This child happens to love cereal, so I went online and printed out a bunch of real cereal box images and then laminated them as playing cards. Each morning the parent sees the child doing one of the two goals, he gets to feed the fish a box of cereal. At the end of the week, the boxes are counted up and a small reward is given.

I love this technique because it is reusable. You can adjust your goals after mastery. The key to any reward system is that the parents remain consistent. You can't be too tired or distracted one day because your child is building momentum. One missed morning to you may be no big deal, but may cause a setback for your child.

As always, resist the urge to narrate or offer lengthy reasoning. Get a vaccination to prevent this atrocity. Do not reply to sass. Keep restating what needs to happen like a broken record if need be. And whatever you do, don't let them see you lose your cool. (It's Academy Award time!)

Finally, enlist the cheers from the rest of the family. Sibling praises for the work of a special needs  child speak volumes. I think only the parent should hand out the cereal, though. That is the person the kids need to respect and listen to the most.

Whatever you do, don't rush or overcrowd what you are trying to teach. One thing taught and mastered without confusion is much more valuable than attempts to hit a number of things at once. Enthusiastically praise. Make a big deal and look your child in the eyes as you say "Way to go!" or "You did it!!" or "Thank you!!"  Sometimes, I like to affirm "I knew you could do that!"

I hope this inspires you in making routines fun for your family!

Are You Fully Present?

In one episode of the classic sitcom I Love Lucy, Ricky was reading the newspaper at the breakfast table mumbling "Yes dear" to each of Lucy's attempts at conversation. This scene has been reenacted in other programs, movies and comic strips - the wife is ignored by her distracted husband. He was not fully present. It is supposed to be funny.

Today anyone can avoid being fully present if they have a smart phone. We can use the time waiting in line to check for email or snoop on Facebook. The 30 minute oil change flies by when we read or watch the news on our phone. While watching a cable movie, we can Google IMDb and solve the mystery of who that one actor in the back is. There are indeed many benefits to the device that fits in the palm of our hand. Did you know there is more technology in an iPhone than in the first craft to land on the moon in 1968?

Maybe we have it too good? As a seasoned family coach, pastor and child advocate I am always observing how families relate to one another in public. It is a switch that knows no "off" setting. Toddlers in grocery carts will stretch their necks to send me a grin and of course I return that blessing. Worried parents will look down and wonder why the smile fest with a stranger.

Most of the time when I see families out in public where they are waiting in line or sitting in the Target cafe eating pizza, the parents are not really there. Oh sure, their bodies are there, but their minds are not. They are either scrolling on their smart phone touch screen or talking to someone on the phone. The kids are left to chew to themselves and look around. Funny, don't the parents realize that their kids hear every word? Just because the conversation isn't directed at them doesn't mean they aren't listening, comprehending or remembering.

The kids are learning what is being unintentionally taught: mom has other things to do, they aren't important enough to focus on, meal time is a function not requiring interaction. You get the idea. Remember, what is projected as normal is what kids think of as normal. Example: I have met adults who never celebrated Valentine's Day growing up so it has no meaning for them. Then they marry someone who has a huge value attached. Feelings are hurt until both come to realize what they had "learned" growing up. I hope all the kids sitting next to a parent so occupied by a smart phone today don't pass this on to their families. We need people to know how to be with one another.

Once I saw a mom eating with her three boys in the Target cafe. She made sure to engage each child in a lively lunchtime conversation. The boys' body language was alert and everyone was making eye contact. No one hung their head out of boredom. You could hear laughter as they enjoyed one another. As they all cleaned up after themselves (thoughtful, too!) I approached the mom. I just had to tell her she had made my day by being so engaged with her sons. She grinned appreciatively, but you could tell this was something she did all the time, not something she did intermittently.

I read a blog recently that asked the question: Are you taking pictures of your kids on Instagram to post in place of actually being with them? Very good thought. We can "post" our way through our days so easily now.

Let's be sure when we are at the park, we are at the park. When we are at the table, we are at the table. Don't let an "important" call or email intrude on your family time. In 20 years, the ones who called/texted/FB'd/emailed/etc will not remember their interruptions, but your kids will remember if you were "there" or not.

Fit the Consequence to the Offense

Notice I didn't say "punishment fit the crime"? In parenting, our role is to teach our children to think for themselves, not think for them. We are rarely punishing if we are objective - we are however providing consequences.

A recent media sensation is the 11-year old California girl who was caught twerking at a recent school dance. Her mother was outraged and sought to teach her a lesson. The method? Her punishment was to stand on a busy street corner holding up a large sign stating something like "I disrespected my parents by twerking at the school dance." Her mother was standing nearby as this girl held up her sign for I don't know how long.

In the picture, you see the girl in the shortest of shorts. The mom is in a mid-calf dress off camera.

The girl was standing in revealing apparel at a prominent location as people drove by oggling her. What did this have to do with her behavior at the dance?

How is shaming this girl teaching her anything about behaving appropriately next time? Was the mom just upset about the body gyrations? What about the clothing she provides for her daughter when she isn't at a dance? Clothing that was apparently acceptable for her daughter to wear in public as evidenced by the shorts.

This girl might have disresecpted her parents, but she disrespected herself even more. THAT is what needs to be explored, and mom can start by editing the clothes closet and checking out how consistent she is. This girl got a mixed message, and I doubt she understood why twerking was not appropriate.

The mom should have been teaching her daughter that she has value and promise, and not to waste any part of herself  - including gyrations but even thoughts - on anything that devalues her.

Thank you Miley Cyrus for providing even more opportunities for parents to coach their kids in making chaste choices.

In Praise of Doulas

One of my favorite TV series is Gilmore Girls. It's a fast-talking drama about a single parent mom who raises her teen through college. We get to know the entire fictional town and all its characters over the seven seasons. It is well-acted and Carole King even sings the theme song. A few episodes focused on Liz having a baby with her new husband TJ. Liz was the sister of Luke, the hot owner of the local diner. She married a man short on intellect but long on patience and love and was blind to his faults. When the baby was born, she agreed to name her Doula, after their birthing coach.

Before I get to my point, I must share that this story reminds me of how my Norwegian grandmother got her name. Her sisters were Thora, Berghold, Astrid and Margaret. Her full name was Nanny Arvilda Larsen. She was born second from the last at time when their mother was sewing for an upper crust family in Norway. Her employers had a nanny for their children.

Back to doulas. When the Gilmore Girl episode ran, I had to Google the word. That's when I learned that these are amazing women trained to coach a pregnant woman through her childbirth experience. She is the advocate for the mother in labor and works in connection with the OB and nurses. Her role is to represent and speak on behalf of the mom and give voice to her needs and concerns. Doulas are even covered by insurance so I am surprised that every mother-to-be doesn't take advantage of this opportunity.

A few years later, I met my daughter's mother-in-law who has been a childbirth educator all over the world for years. She has an R.N. and trains doulas. I have learned even more about the benefit and blessing of having someone who is totally on your side there all along. They won't let you get bullied into tests or procedures that are not necessary and stand for the healthy delivery of your baby. Many doulas are also nurses.

Doulas enable the focus of the birth to be on the baby and is a reassuring voice even afterward when breastfeeding is introduced. They are excellent resources and passionate about pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding.

Had I known about doulas when I had my babies, I know I wouldn't have gotten lost in what the nurses and doctors insisted they do. I know someone would have believed how I felt and I know I would not have been induced and left in a mess with some drugs that didn't do what was promised. I would have been valued, and so would my babies. And I know I would have been set up for success right away.

Thank you to every doula out there! You are making a difference in this world and are a tremendous blessing!

Leaving No Stone Unturned

One of my driving forces is that when something needs to happen, I exhaust the possibilities with research beyond what it would normally take. After all, I have to accomplish this thing. I don't do one thing and wait, I do a number of things and keep going until I unearth the answer or achieve the goal.

Simple Example: when we were moving back to the Minneapolis area a few months ago and looking for a rental home, I did the usual Craigslist and online searches. Then I emailed friends I knew were connected to real estate. I even went on Face Book. Guess what? It was the FB post that landed us our home.

When both my kids were little, I asked them each the following question: You are on an important journey that takes you on a long path through a forrest. As you walk along, suddenly you come upon a HUGE boulder as big as our house! It is blocking the path. What do you do? The answer I prayed not to hear was something like "sit down and wait for help" or "turn around". Thankfully, both of my kids indicated different tactics they would take to get past the boulder and continue on the journey.

Okay you might be saying, that is nice story but what about in real life? Would they still get past that boulder? I am happy to report a resounding yes.

Just the other day my second born had his real life "boulder" experience at school. He was taking his fourth high school lab science class and didn't think he would need it for graduation and wanted to drop it as it was an elective. He went to the counselor who did not know if all of the other three counted as lab science. He went to the current teacher who didn't know, either. He emailed the university he wants to apply to and asked them. Knowing he was not going to get an answer right away, we sought out the teacher of the prior science class in question who told him it indeed counted. There was not another thing he could have done to cover all his bases. After a few days he was able to drop the course - he only had to wait a little while. But he could rest during his waiting knowing that he had done as much as he could to unearth the answer he needed. He was prepared to continue the class if need be, but was thrilled he did not have to.

I didn't know anything about the details until he got home from school that day. All I knew was that he was going to try and drop the class if he had all the necessary credits. He took over and got the answers - he didn't just walk up to one person and stop there. My respect for him has soared!

The other day I got the confirmation that he has that even-keeled determination and critical thinking to handle situations even when the facts say otherwise. He does not need to be told how to think things through by another entity. He will not be blindly lead or swallow everything up front as if it is a truth.

Hallelujah I've got two of these!!!

Passing On Fear

Am I over-sharing if I tell you that my favorite guilty pleasure on television is the reality show Giuliana and Bill? When it comes on, my husband groans and leaves the room, so now I record it and watch it later. Giuliana Rancic is very open about her phobias in her TV show also featuring hubby Bill and miracle baby Duke. Now that they are parents, I get a kick out of the lengths they will earnestly explore in order to parent their son.

The other night, Giuliana had a beauty pageant to host, so Bill flew to Lake Michigan with the baby to teach him not to be afraid of the water like his mother. He bundled the approximate 9-month-old into a water safety suit, climbed into a giant inner tub and held him tightly while a speed boat pulled them around. When Giuliana joined them, they went to the top of a sky scraper and walked to the edge of the balcony. The trouble was, the floor became glass so it looked like you were walking over nothing. Bill and the Baby did just fine, but Giuliana couldn't do it. She kept saying things like, "Baby Duke, you're not gonna be afraid like Mommy, right?"

I think parents can pass on fears by how they address them or what they demonstrate to their kids. Announcing it like Giuliana did won't work. All that did was call attention to it. The good news is that at this age, Duke probably didn't know what mom was saying - but I bet he could pick up her vibe of anxiety.

Rather than pass on my fears, I would rather my kids get some of their own. In a perfect world, it would be great if no one was crippled by any fears and just had those healthy ones like don't stick your hand on the stove. However, I understand Giuliana's fear of heights full well. The difference is that instead of showing it to my kids, I just stepped aside and let Granda take them up to the top or let Dad take them on the world's tallest roller coaster. I let them know I wasn't comfortable but urged them to have fun. Now it is the family inside joke. Fine with me, I'm still waiting by the ground floor exit.

Being raised by a mother who was afraid of her own shadow was tough. She expected me not to "step on a crack" or not "walk under a ladder" right along with her. When I was seven, I accidentally broke a small mirror. "Oh no," she solemnly warned me, "Now you're going to have seven years of bad luck!" And while she never brought that up again, I remember thinking that the "bad" things that happened were a result of that mirror and counting the years until I was 14. And wouldn't you know, I broke another mirror then.

Parents are the front-line influencers of our children for the first dozen years, until peers creep in and seem to take over our role for awhile. We have to remember it is much less what we say than what we display. My mom never said she was afraid of small spaces, she just screeched and clasped me in elevators. She never said she was afraid of fire, she just counted all the stove burners that were shut off before we left the house. While all of this was happening, I thought it was normal. After all, this was my mom and my family.

It took time to see that her anxiety was not like other moms, and by the time I was in my mid-teens, would gently tease her. But she took her fears seriously and gave them a place to live inside her. What she unintentionally taught was that "something bad was going to happen". Remember, she never said it, she just lived it. Of course her own childhood had a great deal to do with it - I never knew those details until I was an adult.

There are reasons why someone can become anxious, but they don't have to become the excuse. And we don't have to use it as permission to stay that way. We can work through anxiety and fear with good counseling. We don't have to be governed by it. And that's why I tried not to give too much attention to my fear of heights in front of my kids. Neither one of them have developed that fear. I just don't like being on the edge of a drop-off, that's all.

So to Giuliana, I say hats off to you for acknowledging your fears and wanting to deal with them. Just don't involve your baby. While he is learning life, don't call attention to your angst and to the best of your ability, let him grow without passing on a mantle too heavy and burdensome. So, get ready for when he climbs to the top of the jungle gym in about six months!

So, Do You Think He Likes Me?

This is a heartbreaking story about an innocent 6th grade girl well-loved and intentionally parented by  a highly degreed mother and father. She lived in a fine neighborhood, had already been taught to volunteer, and was an excellent student. She had been exposed to art, travel and had a number of hobbies designed to put her ahead of other college candidates one day.

She was a sweet girl who assertively sold wrapping paper for her school's fundraiser, made great conversation with adults and was set up for success. One weekend, she eagerly accepted an invitation to a middle school party only to find out parents weren't visible even though she and her mother had been told otherwise. She was the last one anyone would think would end up drinking and having intercourse with a boy she had never met before. After the party, her only concern was wondering if the boy liked her.

A mere child just old enough to babysit ignorantly gave up her virginity and possibly exposed herself to how many STDs and her only question was,"Do you think he likes me?"

Boom! This epitomizes the gender difference between young adolescents. Girls are thinking about skipping through the English Garden, linen dress billowing in the gentle breeze strolling hand-in-hand with a pimple-less lad reciting poetry as they sip lemonade. Most teen guys are testosterone-driven thinking mainly about how they can "get some". This precious girl wasn't prepared for that and allowed the ultimate act to be performed on her, and did not comprehend what she had done.

This story illustrates the fact that young teens are still concrete thinkers, unable to process thoughts and experiences in the manner adults do. She didn't even understand the long-term ramifications because she wasn't supposed to be having intercourse yet. As parents and caregivers, it is our moral responsibility to prepare our children for unexpected sexual situations and coach them about what it means (and doesn't mean) and how to safely leave the situation without compromising their purity.

Popular Christian parenting curriculum the past 18 years centers around having a purity weekend with a parent of the same sex honoring the new 13-year-old. All kinds of materials, information and scripture is discussed. At the close of the weekend, the new teen receives some sort of symbol (a ring, a necklace, a bracelet) that they can wear until their wedding one day. They have made a covenant between themselves and God.

While I applaud the weekend idea, I think it is far too late to wait until age 13 to bring up many of the details regarding purity. Remember, the girl in this story was barely 12. Her parents were so busy trying to cover all the opportunities and education, they overlooked training about her body or surprise sexual and social situations. She was intelligent and level-headed, so they didn't have a worry.

From the time my kids could talk, I have told them that their body belongs only to them and that no one should touch them if they don't want them to. (That includes those forced hugs from relatives that makes kids squirm.) No one should ever  touch them on body parts covered by a swimsuit much less see them. Only doctors in the doctor's office were allowed to see or touch their bodies there, and only for an examination. One day when they were grown up, their husband or wife would be able to love and touch them anywhere they wanted. But while they are growing up, that is not safe. I also taught them to tell me if any other child or adult tried to touch them.

I am glad I had this talk, because my five-year-old son was able to tell me about the 10-year-old boy in the summer day camp bathroom who wanted to examine him. If he had not been pre-armed to be aware (not scared - just aware), who knows what might have happened?

Having these sensitive conversations should include age-appropriate content (at attention-span length) and should always be conducted calmly and couched with parental concern for the child's well-being. In later elementary years, purity can also be introduced. Caveat: In no way is this about the popular word "shame". We do not want our children to be ashamed of their bodies, but to understand how special their bodies are and that they are created in God's image. Therefore, they should treat their bodies accordingly and allow things at the appropriate time in life. They are the only ones in charge of their bodies.

What happened to the girl? She told her mom who promptly took her for a medical exam. The mom called the host parents. They had more in-depth conversations after that and were more cautious. She continued to excel in all areas of talent and grew up to be a healthy young woman. But no one could take back that one night when she lost her innocense.

The Kitchen is Closed

When my daughter was in third grade, we went out to dinner at the local burger joint along with a neighbor and her third and first grade sons. We each ordered for ourselves and kids and waited at the counter for our trays of burgers and fries to be ready. I remember that the mother had some coaching to do with the first grade son, but didn't think too much about it.

That is, until we sat down in our booth and began unwrapping our burgers. Much to the first grade son's disappointment, the burger he unwrapped was not the child-size one he had ordered. It was the regular size burger with exactly the same condiments and cheese requested. He began to pout loudly and whine to his mother.

My girl and I exchanged glances, uncertain what the problem was because he got what he wanted - just a little bigger. He could eat a little less and be fine. No big deal, right? Wrong. He continued to whimper and his mother continued to coddle him until she appologetically went back to the counter and ordered him a new, smaller burger. She had a big smile that she had pleased her son, and he happily bit into his perfect burger.

I thought she had just taught her sons that they can have whatever they wanted and cringed for their future wives who would have to live up to high expectations.

Over the years I have met many a parent who has catered to her child's eating whims. They have gone so far as to create separate meals in order to get them to eat. As they explain their predicament to me, they shrug as if they are powerless and continue to outline the lengths they have gone to get something edible down the throat of their child.

Perhaps because I was once just such a finicky eater (PBJs every day for a year) I determined not to to bring another such person into the world.

So in my grown-up house, we serve the same dinner to everyone. That is the food available for the meal, period. You can't turn your nose up to what has been prepared and go make macaroni. You can, however, have a bowl of cereal later if you ate dinner and are still hungry. I have encouraged our kids to at least taste something new, and if they really do hate it, we don't force it. After all, I don't like beets, either.

We also got the kids cooking at an early age so they could see what went into a meal. By the time they were in early elementary grades, they would shop with me for the ingredients and work on each step of the meal with some help. There is no magic fairy in our house. The  phrase "the kitchen is closed" was implemented to keep late-nite snackers from messing up or a kid who refused dinner to try and wheedle food out of us later on . Usually we would add the time the kitchen was closed to this pronouncement. We'd say it calmly, brightly adding that "breakfast will be served at 8:00."

A huge influence on my philosophy of meal time magic comes from Dr. Kevin Leman, renowned parenting expert and psychologist for over 30 years. (Check out all his books on Amazon! They are fun reading with practical applications.) In one of his books, he shares this suggestion he gave a mom with a fussy kid who didn't like spaghetti - the rest of the family's favorite meal. Dr. Leman told the mom to make that spaghetti and set the table for everyone except the whiner, then call the family for dinner. They calmly begin serving and eating the meal. The whiner came in the room and wondered why there wasn't a plate for him, and the mom cheerfully told him, "well honey, you don't like spaghetti." The stunned kid wandered over to the kitchen counter, lifted the lid on the sauce pot and said, "well, I could eat this spaghetti." He never complained again. And yes, he even ate spaghetti.

My absolute favorite Dr. Leman story is the one where the whiney eater - sitting at the table - looks at his plate and whimpers that he doesn't like this stuff. The parent cheerfully says ""okay", stands up and takes his plate to the sink where he dumped the entire contents. They calmly return to the dinner table and continue eating. The astonished kid asks what happened. Their cheerful reply, "You said you didn't like it. Breakfast will be at 8:00. You are excused." That kid  never complained again, either. I only had to do this once. It works. The key is you being cool, calm and unruffled.

If you haven't guessed by now, my favorite way of parenting involves reality - not lecturing, not reminding. At first you will have to work at acting calmer than you really are. But very soon, if you are committed and consistent, you will realize you really are.

P.S.  You can modify these ideas for older kids who don't show up on time at the dinner table. Breakfast is at 8:00.

Bon Appetit!

Ready For The Next Stage?

Social media has been on fire the last couple of weeks with parent postings about the next stage their kids are entering. First day of Kindergarten, Middle School, High School and College. Milestones all. And not just for the kids. It is also the first for the parents. Even if they have older children who have already done this, it is a first for each child and thus a first for the parent of a child in that stage.

By far, the postings with the most emotion are from the parents sending their kids off to college. They can't believe 18 years have come and gone so quickly and share the pictures showing a baby morph into a young man or woman about to embark on their biggest adventure. They don't know how they are going to handle walking past their empty bedrooms and see them only on holidays when just a few weeks ago they were handing out chores and curfews. They are proud of the young adults their babies have become while at the same time aching that this time has come already.

The first-time college parents now have much in common with first-time newborn parents: both are traveling completely new territory and don't have the script down yet. Everything is new and roles are being defined.

This blog entry is for those of you who wonder how you can let go of your baby. Whether your first, last or only. How can you navigate these uncharted waters with this particular child?

First of all, forget the microwave. Use it only to make popcorn or steam green beans. It isn't meant for you to instantly grasp your morphing role or the realization that you will not be seeing your child on a daily basis. Recognize that this will take time for you to adapt to this changing relationship and that it is okay. Bye-bye unrealistic expectations. Dittoes for your new Freshman.

Second, you have been working toward this time ever since their very first birthday. You've walked them through each developmental step, you've provided opportunities for them to discover their passions, you've guided them in their thinking. They are ready. So are you, perhaps you just forgot that part of your job description in all the fanfare of each of their accomplishments. Deep breath. Big smile. They are so eager to test their wings right now it hasn't hit them yet like it has you.

Third, accept the fact that as "legal adults" you can no longer control, you can only guide and influence. And that is only if they want to hear your thoughts. Legally, they don't have to. And the school isn't going to send you their grades because it isn't your business now. If you are financially providing for their education, you have some clout there. If you aren't, then accept the fact that all you have is the relationship you built over the past 18 years.

That's the kind of relationship we had with our firstborn when she went off to college - relationship, period. We were not able to contribute financially so we didn't have the power to threaten financially. But she did listen to us - after awhile. We had to learn to listen to her and not share our opinions.
We did a lot of waiting and praying because we wanted her to arrive at the safest conclusion on her own.

Example:
Her: "Mom!! Guess what??? I am driving to Florida over Spring Break!!"
      My Thoughts: Oh no!! 4 innocent girls in a crappy car with thousands of drunk kids??NO!! NO!!!!!
My Words: "Wow! When are you leaving?"
Her: "Sunday."
My Words: "Where will you be staying?"
Her: "Tina's older sister's friend's aunt. She's like 26 and really cool."
     My Thoughts: NOOOOOOO!!!!
My Words: "Then you'll split gas and oil, sounds pretty inexpensive."

Following this "listening", I began fiercely praying for her wisdom and safety. A few days later, I got a call that she wasn't going to go after all, because she only had $100. "Good thinking, honey." That's all I said. I hung up and with a trembling heart of gratitude, thanked God.

This brings us to my fourth point: resist the urge to lecture, inform, remind or retort. Have your tongue cut out if you need to. Time to bring your A Game in reflective listening. The calmer you are when your new college student tests the "sharing waters" with you, the more you will hear and the more you can potentially influence. Practice neutral replies. Practice sounding calm. You can have your complete reaction after you hang up the phone. Our early adult kids need to arrive at healthy conclusions on their own. If you tell them what to do, they will either ignore you and do it anyway - or worse yet - remain a dependent child without the ability to handle situations on their own and look for the "someone else" to show them what to do.

Fifth: Resist the temptation to fret or hover. It won't do anyone any good and will only serve to give you anxiety or sound like a micro-manager and drive your kid away. I know some parents who did such a "good job" hovering over their son in high school and had their hand in how he even arranged items on his dresser, when he went off to college he didn't even call home for three weeks. The mom worried that he was "spending all his money on pizza and not eating right" and just couldn't understand why he wouldn't return their calls - "they were such a close family". Another family called their student so often it was as if they were in the dorm room right along with her. Letting them breathe is good for everyone.

Sixth: Establish reasonable expectations for communication and conduct. It is definately okay to expect your "house rules" to be respected when they come home. By the same token, Complete the ITP, review. Take client to library to practice socialization. Continue to follow up with Fish chart and behaviors toward mother. Follow up with mother's consistency and possibly add new House Rules. your instinct to want in on every detail will allow your relationship to move into the next stage. This stage will take as long as it takes  child to become a fully autonomous adult living and providing for themselves. It has only just started.

The early post-high school stage is probably the hardest because it is the first time many parents no longer see their child on a daily basis. It can be a rude awakening. Regardless if they stay at home or go away, our influence must diminish in order for all of us to deal with growing up in a healthy way.

What if you are having a hard time accepting this next stage? Seek out friends who have already navigated this well and connect with them. Start a new hobby or take a class - you're not done yet! Rearrange your house. Change up your routines. Stay away from negative thinking and negative people. Volunteer with kids younger than yours and share your expertise. Mentor a new mom. Think outside the box you know so well. Remember, this is your next stage, too.

Finally, deepen your trust in God. Experience an in-depth Bible study that increases your knowledge of God's desire for relationship. If you don't know where to look, usually large non-denominational churches in each community offer men, women or couples Bible studies. Even some smaller churches offer studies and you do not have to attend the church in order to participate. There are also several international Bible studies for men and women that are excellent at providing a foundation. Google Community Bible Study or Bible Study Fellowship and find a local church hosting these studies. (CBS now even offers home study.)

Above all else, pray. The more you pray for your child in specific ways, the closer you will feel to him and the more peace you will feel from God. Remember, God loves your child so much more than you ever could fathom! Rest in that peace and enjoy this next stage.

More is on the way! :)