Signs That You May Be More of a Friend Than Parent*

(*If you are raising a child, I am referring to you as a parent no matter what your title may be)

Do you trade secrets? Share your stuff? Change your mind in order to be liked? Want to make your children happy at all costs?

Uh-oh. Maybe you are more of a friend to your kid than you are a parent.

Do you tell your children about the mortgage? Your diet? Your worries?

Uh-oh again. Do they really need to know these things?

Why is this not good? Because friends are fickle and growing kids will experience highs and lows as they learn who they are and who would make a good and lasting friend. The last thing they need is a parent to be part of that fluid category.

Kids need a rock-solid, dependable and fiercely loving force in their lives especially as they develop. If the force is perceived as weak or unable to lead, who will the children feel safe with?

Who better to be that force than a parent? Kids need to be able to count on their parent(s) to provide the guidelines and navigation while they go about bumping into life's realities.

Children need guidelines and regulation in order to develop in a healthy manner. Children who do not receive nurturing (different than the buddy system) and guidance are like ships without rudders. They intuitively want a course to follow, and if the parents don't provide one, they will find some group or mindset that will. This is why we hear about children joining dicey groups or gangs. They want to belong. And if they don't belong to you and your family, they will absolutely belong somewhere.

Being a parent does not mean you can't play with your kid. But it does mean they know how to respect your boundaries and authority. Walking around your house naked because you feel free was fine before kids. Now they need to learn about their own bodies and privacy - not to mention safety. If you give guidance ahead of time, you won't be "the bad guy" when it's time to put the Lego's away. Simply set a timer and say "let's play Lego's for an hour, then we will start to make dinner". Or whatever else comes next. When the timer rings, calmly say it's time to put them away. (I like to set a 5 minute warning before the actual timer goes off so kids can transition easier. "That was the 5-minute warning, then it will be time to pick up in 5 minutes.")

Tempted to overshare about your sex life? The bills? Your bad day at work? Your bad childhood? A neighbor. Think again. Kids are not abstract thinkers and their brains are incapable at this point in development of receiving such information and holding it appropriately. Furthermore, it compromises your role as a safe authority figure and places the kids in a place of wanting to help you.  Or a state of anxiety they can't yet describe.

They are not the parents and should be encouraged to enjoy their childhood. Do not burden your kids with adult stuff. We operate as adults for a whole lot longer than we get to be kids. Don't rush it and don't take away their innocence. Be that secure force in their lives. It's not too late to ramp up your parenting.