I've been putting my master's degree in marriage and family therapy to work for 10 months now (while pursuing licensure) and the content has shifted heavily toward anxiety. I've spent the last three weeks hearing how the global reaction and coronavirus alert has impacted families logistically, emotionally and relationally. No one had much of a warning about the necessary safety responses that were put in place so rapidly. Overnight, every north American household become home-schoolers and everyday routines ground to a halt. Not only were parents forced to become their child's primary educator in an instant, they were told do to so without any opportunity to give their own input. I know of one family with children in three different school districts requiring 20 different apps in order to follow the syllabi. Another district required all of the students to log in during the same time window, thus collapsing the platform. Families have had to purchase new tablets and laptops because this is one time we can't ask our kids to share.
Children all over are missing school, and whether they know it or not, one of the main things they miss is their former routine and this will show up in different ways. It's important to remember that children under the age of 12 are still very much concrete thinkers. Abstract thinking develops throughout middle and and high school, but by no means is fully developed by graduation. As parents, if we consider what our kids are capable of before developing an expectation, we will be able to introduce a level of understanding necessary right now. Those kids acting out, speaking out or being defiant are giving us a lot of information they may not be able to articulate based on age. If you've got kiddo provoking the rest of the family, chances are they are carrying anxiety about all of the changes and unknowns. You can meet them in their anxiety by giving it a name and empathizing with them that "this is is hard". None of us like this. Once you've validated their emotion, then you can assure them. If you assure without acknowledging their emotions first, you've basically told them their feelings don't matter and they'll probably continue to act out big emotions.
Another thing to put in place is teaching our kids what we can control in this limbo-period of waiting for control to seep back in to our everyday lives. While we can't control the fact that we can't go to school or work, we can control where in the house we sit to do our work. We can control the time we do most things, as well as what we wear. We can control how we move about our day. What are we doing and when? I recommend creating an agenda with a check list each morning - list 5 items to do and check off throughout the day. This will increase a sense of accomplishment and control even if you list "brush teeth" - it's something that got done that we had control over. The structure of the agenda will be reassuring without you having said a word.
Speaking of control, we can also control what we put in our minds. What are we listening to? What are we watching? Who are we listening to? This is a good time to evaluate what social media influences you really want in your home. Research tells us that the more we think about anything, the bigger it becomes. Sitting alone in a room worrying will only make that worry more frightening. Conversely, listening to positive stories or focusing on learning something new together will use different parts of our brains and keep us feeling more regulated.
Yes, we have less control in many areas of life right now. Yes, we don't have a handbook as to how to do this. And yes, we have the resilience from within to go through this together, while apart. Stay well.
