It's Never Over For Your Kids

I'm talking about divorce. For the parents, there's a final decree and the court date. Boom, marraige over. The notarized paper says so. As time marches on, hopefully each one comes to terms with the end of the union and works through their pain/anger/grief and aquisition of a new toaster or table. It's over for parents.

Not for the kids. The court date didn't draw a line for them. It's not something they get over, because they are the victims of its ongoing consequences. The divorce remains present tense for the kids. Forever.

If you are a spouse, you can say you were once married to someone who (fill in the blank) and you don't have to deal with that anymore. You can move on. The kids don't see it like that. Even the most ugly marraiges aren't viewed through an adult lens.

These are just kids. They have to live with a dead family that now exists in fragments in multiple locations. Their "space" changes as they shuttle back and forth between two households - maybe more if grandparents are in the mix, too. The rules and vibes change, too. Perhaps one parent is more consistent and one more laid back? Maybe one spends more money? They might be in the shaddows, observing mom or dad (or both) dating. The dates might have their own kids. Each parent might marry again. There could even be a new little brother or sister in one household, not to mention any kids that came with the new spouse. Can you imagine what that does to their birth order? The new baby gets to live with dad full time, but they don't. Can you imaging what that does to their self-worth? They are a  part-time kid now. Sob.

On a more petty level, they have stuff spread out between locations, and the way the parents regard the stuff impacts their daily life. "No, you cannot bring that item to your mother's. It stays here." What if they liked the thing 7 days a week, not just weekends? Too bad. Not now.

Worse, what if the parents can't co-parent and do not value the fact that their sperm and egg caused their child into being? The biological role cannot be erased as simply as a marraige license. Mom is mom, Dad is dad. Each parent should strive to communicate objectively with the other because they are still parents. The change is that when they parent now, they aren't together locationally. But they can and should be together - on the same page - as co-parents. It should not be about trying to control the other parent's home life, or sabbotage a relationship or play mean. That gig is at the expense of the child.

My ex used to steal our daughter's coats. In a seven-month period, 5 coats went away. I would send her dressed weather-appropriately and she would come home without a coat or jacket. The first few times it happened, I would call and ask to have him bring back the coat next time. His standard reply was "what coat? I don't have it". Initially I tried to reason and say "yes you do, it was on her when you picked her up". But my descriptions and reminders fell on passive-agressive ears. "I don't have it." The first coat was a nice one, the next coat was one she was growing out of. When I realized he was trying to control me by bothering me, I shut up and sent her in hand-me-down jackets until I ran out. Then I stopped sending her in a coat, period. At just five years old, she was well aware that her father was trying to jerk us around.  If she got cold, she could tell him. I was done engaging.

Our daughter, however, was taught that daddy didn't care about her basic well-being. Bad move on his part. She even stopped bringing him things from school to show him. That still stabs my heart thinking of that this many years later. The earnest little face that wanted her father's affection and approval became determined and savvy at an age when she should have only had to think about what outfit to put on Barbie. But she had to step up to care for herself when she was with him - because he wasn't. The guy who sneered feidishly at me and tried other such manouvers to "get me" failed to make me anxious or worried. He succeeded in damaging the heart of his developing little girl all because he placed a higher value on lashing out than he did in co-parenting.

When she would tell me what he had done or not done, I would empathize and say :"Oh Honey, I am sooo sorry he chose to do that. Come have a hug."  When she would ask me why he would do that, my reply was similar: "I don't know why he would choose that. Let's pray for him to be the best daddy." While I would vent to my friends, I did not disparaiage her father in front of her. I encouraged her to love him because he was her dad, beast that he was. Kids want permission to love both parents. Give it.

You may be in a horror movie of a marraige. (I sure was.) But that ended a long time ago. He died the year after the divorce was final. There were pieces to process and therapy to work on, but it's long over. The hell is over. For me. For our daughter? She is still a child of divorce who lost her home and lifestyle. Her mom returned to work to support them and she learned about before and after school daycare in additon to packing a little suitcase every other weekend. Her parents were in different houses.

How do small children process such drastic changes? Today there are some great support groups for parents and kids. The one I really like is national: Divorce Care 4 Kids. It helps them deal with their divorce at age appropriate levels. When I was divorced, there were support groups for adults but kids weren't addressed. If you are going through a divorce, please take advantage of a group for your kiddoes. They need to be able to express their feelings with other kids who know what it's like. It is even more critical if you have to live with game-playing or lack of parenting from the other parent.

Another great tool for sharing information about the kids neutrally is an internet based tool called Our Family Wizard.  Parents can share schedules, visits and parenting plans not to mention journal, log expenses and e-mail. This gem is worth the $99 annual subscription. www.ourfamilywizard.com

Telling our kids they did not cause the divorce and that mom and dad will always love them isn't enough. We need to act like it by living it out. As hard as it is for a parent to go through a divorce, be sure you try to look at it through your child's eyes. Twenty years from now, they are the ones who will have to figure out which house to go to for Thanksgiving, not you.

Happy Birthday, Baby

Going viral this week is the email from parents of a little boy about to turn one listing things "he wants" for his first birthday. Complete with links to the resource sites, the parents school the recipients with the do's and don't for gifting to their child.

No more than two gifts per family. Only the gifts on the list will do. These are the things he wants.  All gifts must be accompanied by a receipt because they may have to return. The Receipt Rule applies now and evermore. No personalized items, that is kidnap-worthy. Only the Cheerio book for now as he has 35 more books in storage. If you have a question about a gift, call first as one may already be in storage. Oh, and by the way there is another approved list for the family so that there will be no duplicates.

No please, no thank you. Just instructions so tedious they rival the tax code.

Obviously, these are first timers. No one-year-old on the planet knows it's their birthday much less what they want for gifts! They state that "he hates" when they read to him right now. Hmmm. Depends on how they are doing it. That's not the book's fault. Bet the kid hates their (lack of) method. Thinking that their kid's birthday is a big deal for the world is another clue.

Not only are these people wimpy first-timers, they are greedy and materialistic. The email complained about the cost of formula, while mentioning all the things in storage. Storage? They have so much stuff it all can't fit in the same place and there are items waiting for when the kid turns three??

That poor little guy. He doesn't stand a chance for turning out to be a solid citizen. Not with his parents and family focusing on stuff and lists and rules. He's not gonna get to learn how to say "thank you" for a surprise (it has to be on the list, remember) or thoughfulness. He's not even gonna know what being thoughtful is. Instead, he's gonna wade through stuff and have so many material items orchestrated for his supposed "development" he will become dependent, uncreative, self-centered and demanding. Good job, first-timers. Good job!

Doesn't the world need more myopic people who only care for themselves and are so self-absorbed they truly believe they need to manage every detail because then things will surely turn out right?

You don't need any money to celebrate the anniversary of your baby's birth. You may want to shout it to the world, but please if you do, no emails ordering the guests to select from your pre-approved list.

Here's hoping this email was a belated April Fool. If not, then by all means bring the kid anything you like if you really want to hang around such self-absorbed people. Not me. I can't be in the same room when people are wrecking a perfectly fine kid.