Do You Care More About Your Kids' Stuff Than They Do?

Signs that you are too concerned about your child's belongings:

- You can verbally describe each doll outfit
- You routinely arrange or even put away their toys
- You call the babysitter to find out where the hammer to the toy tool bench is

Signs that your child does not care much about their belongings:

- They ask you where "it" is (and you have the answer*)
- They leave toy items lying in piles and only put them away when asked (but don't usually finish)
- They ask for a toy every time to you go to Target (and you buy one, even for chump change)

After I became a mommie, the best present you could ever give me was a gift for my little one. It was a treasure and a pleasure to begin to build their very own belongings. However, as a first-time mom I had all the top three signs. True, she was a baby and needed to be shown how to open her first board book. But did I really need to put the Duplos "just so"? Since truth is being told, I even did Number Three with my second one when he was a toddler. Let's just pretend that was because there was another toddler over that day getting into things.

Yes it is wonderful to lead a little one in exploring life. Since most toys are for their development, no wonder parents and grands go crazy giving them! It is a blessing to see our children enjoying themselves. As the bambinos mature, it is our parental responsibility to teach them the proper care of these personal possessions - and to experience the consequences if the basic rules are not followed.

I am referring to the natural consequences. Reality. If you leave your bike outside in the rain, it might get rusted. Or stolen. If you have a fit while coloring and break your red crayon, it will be shorter and harder to handle. If you cut Barbie's hair, it won't grow back. If you lose one of your playing cards, you won't be able to play that game. If you open a toy with small parts in the car, we won't be able to get the pieces that fell between the seats. There are certain places to play with certain toys, and if you don't follow that you may end up with a teddy bear who no longer growls after he was submerged in the tub.

Some of this is learned naturally, some of it needs to be gently taught. But regardless of how a toy is lost or damaged, please resist the urge to replace it - no matter how beloved. (My one exception would be that one "gotta have it with me" comfort toy, if there is one.) Reality is a great teacher on the road to developing self control. If we replace everything that gets damaged, our children do not learn to be appreciative, careful or thoughtful - they just learn that the magic fairy will make it all better. Again.

When our son was two and three, he believed that scotch tape could "fix" anything. We had numerous "fixed" items for awhile. Like a cracked styrofoam cup. The back wheel on his Rescue Heroes truck. The antena on a remote. After awhile he knew he really wasn't fixing anything, but he sure loved to use that tape!

One of my pre-teen clients recently informed her mother that she wanted a "big girl's room" and wanted to get rid of all her toys. Mom's eyes widened and asked,"Even your Monster High dolls? You just got that house last Christmas!" Even the new Monster High stuff. The girl wanted it all removed so she could "have a cool room". Mom couldn't stop coaching her to reconsider when the three of us sat down on her bedroom floor to sort the piles of dolls, accessories and plastic junk into piles. One pile was designated "keep", the next "give" and the last "sell". Most of her items went into the last two piles, much to mom's fretting. I kept reminding mom that this was her girl's decision, and that was a good thing because she had entirely too many small parts. We had to almost shovel spaces on the floor for us to sit down.

In her sincere desire to love her girl, this mom had come to the conclusion that more stuff was important - but had neglected to teach her child how to manage it. You can see her bedroom floor now, and my young client is thrilled with her room's new look. Mom is still aware of the missing pen cap from the backpack and has even called the principal, but lots of progress has been made.

To all the well-meaning, slightly anal parents out there: take a deep breath. Now is the time for our kids to take responsibility for their stuff. And please do not do them a disservice by overloading them. Less is more becasue they can become more responsible with what they have.



*Cringe. I once heard a 10 -year-old ask her mom where her pink hair bow was. Mom could describe precisely which corner of the dresser and what was next to it.

How Do I Get My Kid to Pick Up Their Stuff?

No parent ever dreamed of the day they would nag their kids to put things away. It doesn't work, anyway so why do we do it? We must've forgotten the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. If you are tired of the sound of your own voice and want your chilibeans (children) to become a tad more responsible, you might like these tried and true tested tips.

Tip #1. Decide ahead of time how much stuff and how much space you have to work with, in addition to your budget. With my first child there was no extra money for much so everything she had was hard won and precious. We are talking about a handful of books, two videos, set of blocks. I just made sure there was something we could use to stimulate each sense and followed that plan. Toys that made loud noises or did the work for the child were not on my wish list. Because I decided I did not want my kids to have overflowing shelves, it was easy for them to see where things went.

Tip #2. Only one category of play things come out at a time. If they are going to color, they don't drive their Matchbox cars around too. The crayons go back before the cars come out. If the Legos are out, the paintbrushes stay put. There is nothing worse that seeing every item from every game and doll mixed together on the floor like some pot luck stew. If your child plays like this it means they have way too much stuff and need to be taught how to use their toys.

Tip #3. Aside from Happy Meal toys, no new items enter the home unless another one leaves. They want a new board game? Which one are they done with or want to donate? Sometimes kids just want to want, not really have. One mom I know takes a picture of her child in the store holding the item they "wanted". They no longer even ask to have it - just to take the picture. If they are still talking
about that item months later, you have a pretty good idea what to get for their birthday.

Tip #4. Resist the idea to over-gift. Sure, you might only buy your kid one thing on their birthday. But what about Grammy and Gramps? More is not better. More is clutter. Your child can only play with one thing at a time anyway. Enlist support from extended family and friends. Establish the one gift policy early on. Even consider no gifts. You and the family could go make a memory at the zoo instead.

Tip #5. Introduce gift-giving as soon as they can warble. Your child can color a picture, paint hand prints or decorate pottery at a very young age. As they mature, you can add more creative gift creations to their list. They can learn to make gifts for siblings, parents, grandparents and teachers. When they are part of the gift giving process they experience the other side of gifts and it encourages them to take care of the gifts they receive. They can also learn to contribute to a gift financially. I had my kids give $10 toward father's day gifts if we weren't making one. They loved being part of that.

After I became a mommie, the best present you could ever give me was a gift for my little one. It was a treasure and a pleasure to begin to build their very own belongings. As the bambinos mature, it is our parental responsibility to teach them the proper care or personal possessions - and to experience the consequences if the basic rules are not followed.

I am referring to the natural consequences. Reality. If you leave your bike outside in the rain, it might get rusted. Or stolen. If you have a fit while coloring and break your red crayon, it will be shorter and harder to handle. If you cut Barbie's hair, it won't grow back. If you lose one of your playing cards, you won't be able to play that game. Follow?

We can add to the above consequences in order to encourage the ever-argued actions of "picking things up". First, take the time to personally demonstrate how to pick up. Don't just say "go clean up your room". That's way too broad. Instead, walk with your darling into their room. Focus on one area at a time starting with a garbage bag.

When I teach parents how to show their kids what "picking up" looks like, I sit with a garbage bag on the floor and have the child pile all the scraps, bits, toys and clutter between us. We throw away small pieces to games or dolls that have no home. We also throw out the water bottle caps, wrinkled art, scraps of yarn. You get it. From there we sort like with like. Cars and trucks go in one tote. Games in another. Art in another. The goal is to see the bedroom floor.

Establish a place for each toy type. From now on, that's where that type of toy goes. No more random here or there. That lack of specificity is why kids become sloppy picker-uppers. If they know that story books are always beside the bed, they aren't going to shove them in with the Legos anymore. If they know all the dress up stuff goes in that tote bag, you aren't going to find a crown jammed in their underwear drawer.

This will take you a chunk of time. But it will reap you many peaceful future moments. Your kids will see, touch and know precisely what the definition of a cleaned room is. Then you can add The Zen Rule. In our house, whatever was being played with had to be picked up by 8:00 p.m. That was the magic hour for me. Backpacks, jackets, shoes. Everything had to be put away and ready for the next day. Anything left out went away. I wouldn't cluck or fret. I just casually walked by the items left out, gathered them up and put them in The Take Away Box. The living area was uncluttered and I could enjoy my own adult time before going to bed.

You can have your kids earn their take-away items back with money like we did, or by drawing a slip of paper out of the Chore Jar and work it off. Anything left in the box for a week meant they really didn't care that much about it and you can sell or donate it depending on what it is. But whatever you do, sail along cheerily. No nagging, reminding or chiding. No talking. And please don't make the Take Away Box part of your interior decorating. The kids and their stuff are not the stars of your home - they are part of your family.

My Top Ten Dork Parenting Moves

If you read this blog, you know that I have two kids born ten years apart. Everything I learned with first-born girl was forgotten by the time second-born boy arrived. Besides that, each gender was completely different so even if I remembered something, it no longer applied.

I am a fierce mama bear out for my kiddos' best interest. With that in mind, here are some things I actually did along the way that I admit for the sake of giving you a good laugh, twitch or wince right along with me.

1. Telling Both Kids I Was Going to Take Them to The Police.
As a novice parent, and then just because it sounded good; I would proclaim a mindless threat if a kiddo was acting up while driving around. "I am going to take you to the Police Station!!!" "No Mommie, no!!! Pleassse." Sobbed both victims of my irrationality. Man do I regret that one.

2. Attempting to Pull Out My Girl's Loose Front Teeth Ahead of Time For a Photo Shoot.
Seriously? Yep. Her front teeth were rather loose. We had that new dress and it was time for the bi-annual photo. Why not rush nature? She never trusted me again with her teeth. I don't blame her. What a dork I was. And no, the teeth were'nt ready to come out yet. Wince.

3. Calling the Babysitter to Find Out Where the Missing Tool Toy Went.
Our two-year old son's favorite thing to play with was his Little Tykes Tool Bench. Made out of plastic, the bench came with assorted plastic tools complete with screws and a tool basket. It was his 2nd birthday gift. I was so anal that one time I came home and noticed the hammer and screw driver were not in their appropriate places so I called the sitter to help me locate them. Argh.

4. Speaking of Being Anal - Washing the Duplos Regularly in the Dishwasher.
Yep that was with my first kiddo. Not only did I do that, I routinely returned every toy and book to their rightful, original place on the toy shelf. With Number Two ten years later, he got to eat off the floor as long as it wasn't a staple.

5. Not Washing My Newborn's Potty Area Because That Stuff Might Be Important.
I knew my mom saved my navel thingie. At the ten-day check up, the pediatrician set me straight. Need I say more? Duh.

6. Scouting and Calling Local McDonalds in Order to Obtain All of The Mulan Happy Meal Toys.
Yep, I admit it. And... when we went there, before we drove off I checked the toy in the bag. One time the toy in there did not match what was described over the phone so I marched back inside. There were 17 Mc Mulan figures possible, and we (I) landed 15. Not bad, huh? #Mulanlove

7. Ziplocks on Steriods.
Whenever I traveled with my firstborn, I packed her complete outfits in ziplock bags. Oh, and let's not forget toys sorted by category! You know... Barbies in one bag, outfits in another. Urp, was I ever a bag lady.

8. Being on Red Alert Too Much With ADHD #2.
This lil guy challenged me with his moter-driven, unsafe and amped bravery. Who knew an 18-month old would hurl himself into a pool during the "Mommy and Me" swim class? Or, scamper to the top-most post at the local park's Climbing Thing? Relax, relax. Stop the panic. He's now a soldier.

9. Using White-Out to Change Words in a Toddler Book.
Yep. Not only did I apply that liquid corrector to the word "stupid", I changed it to "silly" and niftily matched the font with my skinny sharpie. Another time, I glued two pages together so that Count Dracula wouldn't be seen. Yes, yes I can say #overboard. My only defense was that it was with my firstborn. Wait. That's still no defense.

10. Hiding From My Girl In Order to Lick the Brownie Bowl.
Yep. I trained her well. The brownie dough is it! But sometimes, I didn't want to share. So one time when she was three, I got her distracted with Sesame Street and new coloring pages as I was mixing up a yummy batch and while she was coloring away, I took the bowl into the dining room to hide my bowl-licking. Smugly walking back into the kitchen area, unaware of my batter mustache, I was busted. By a three-year-old.

In spite of my dorkiness and blunderheadedness, they survived my mommie growing pains rather well. Just remember, this is only the top ten...

Teaching Kids to Stand Up For Themselves

In the mental health world, that's called "self advocacy". It refers to a child's ability to articulate their needs and not wait for others to spell it out for them. It also refers to a child's ability to verbalize when they are uncomfortable or need help.

When we are teaching our toddlers to make a choice between which apple they want to eat, or which toy they want to play with, we are beginning the process of self-assertion. When we see our toddler yank a toy out of a peer's grasp, we (wince) see another form of self-assertion. When we do not give our toddler the candy they wanted at Target and they begin screaming and kicking, we see yet another form of self-assertion. Some forms of self-assertion are good, even necessary. Other forms of self-assertion are more selfish and require redirection.

Some self-assertion we delight in noticing. Our child has a favorite toy or color. Our child loves a certain song or book. You follow. Other self-assertions are unacceptable. Like being rude to others, or having fits.

Sometimes, I think parents are so focused on making sure their kids behave, I think they forget to pay attention to two other things. One: Thinking that outward "performance" indicates inward comprehension. Two: Overlooking the opportunity to teach kids an appropriate way to voice a disagreement, disappointment or discomfort.

Regarding Number One. If your child does not internalize why certain actions are positive but merely performing to please you, you need to work on their comprehension. If they merely walk through the motions in order not to get in trouble, they won't "own" it and will require supervision and unable to become an independent thinker.  If you think you need to narrate and manage every single moment, you are missing the point in parenting: raising a child to function and thrive on their own.

Number Two: Kids have to learn how to ask for what they need in a direct way. If the bus driver forgets to stop and drop them off, they need to be able to let the driver know that - without fear of repercussion or slumking down out of nervousness because other kids will see and hear. Kids need to be able to ask their non-custodial parent for a coloring book and know that is okay. Kids need to be able to move away from any uncomfortable touch - even if it is that heavilly perfumed Aunt Matilda that you adore. Please don't teach your child to care, hug or kiss on command. Trust their vibe. If they are uncomfortable, that's okay. That sonar may help them in a future dating scenario or worse - an attempted molestation. Just smile at Aunt Matilda, blow her a kiss and pat your kiddo on the shoulder, telling him to go play. Not everybody is a hugger.

The Part Two to Number Two is that kids need to know how to tell another kid to knock it off. That kid who calls them names on the bus. The older neighbor boy who hangs their bike in a tree. That snotty girl who no longer talks to them at lunch. This has to start in elementary school if you are going to have a strong child in middle and high school where bullying is on RedBull.

Practice role-playing. Be calm and matter-of-fact. If you are anxious or worried, they don't need to know about it. Encourage your child how to ask for help. How to say no. Help your child to understand that they do not have to let anyone treat them unacceptably. Teach them how to see what is okay and what is not okay. Most importantly, coach your darlings to realize that bullies do not speak or act on truth and that nothing the bully does reflects on any of their personal value. Not. One. Iota.  And when they come home and tell you how they handled something well, make the biggest deal in the world and affirm their socks off.

My goal for my kids has been to regard others with dignity while standing up for themselves respectfully - unless the situation would escalate toward harm. Then the rules don't apply - it's safety first.

Why I Hate School Buses

In all my parenting years, and years as a parent educator and consultant, I have never heard one positive thing about school bus rides. Not from any kids. Not from any parents.

I have heard tale upon tale about what a negative experience for children a ride on the school bus has become.

Let's think about it. For two large chunks of your child's time away from you each school day, they are sitting ducks in a large vehicle that doesn't use seatbelts and the only adult anywhere around is
busy driving the bus! Each standard North American school bus has a maximum capacity of 72 passengers. Where have you ever seen one adult responsible for the safety of 72 children?

In Sunday School settings, the ratio of adults to kids for a kindergarten class is 2:10. Each adult focuses on 5 kids. By the time kids are in middle elementary grades, there would be 2:16. Study after study has shown that no one adult can effectively teach/impact/relate to more than 8 kids at a time. So what in the world are we doing to our children by squishing them into bus seats like little sardines?

We are throwing them into a tin tank to fend for themselves. That one bus driver can't possibly see everything going on, and often there are no enforced standard expectatoins. Kids tell me there is a difference between the morning driver and the afternoon driver. Sometimes buses include an age range from K all the way to 12th grade. Once kids learn that the driver is not going to enforce calm, respectful behavior they hurl themselves into seeing how much they can get away with. One child recently told me another child was "giving her the finger", hitting, kicking and pulling her hair. The driver did not see it.

Another child told me that due to a bus driver's resignation, her bus combined their route with the vacant bus's and there are now three children per seat! If there are 18 row of six kids, that means 108 kids are under the care of just one adult. This child tells me she is regularly bullied every afternoon.

If your child has had a good day at school and might be eager to tell you (or show you) all about it, that warm feeling can be heavilly dampened by a bad experience on the ride home. Even if they aren't the kid getting bullied, they are aware of it. And if they have a driver that doesn't control the volume level, they hear it.

And what if they have an absurdly long bus ride? We lived on the edge of town and were the first pick up but the last drop off. That meant our second grader got off the bus at 5:00 p.m. when school let out at 3:40. In the winter, it was literally dark when he came home. Once we realized this, we tried as often as possible to be at school to drive him home instead.

Later we switched to a nearby charter school that the district provided busing for. The only problem was it took three different buses to get him there. So I became one of the moms in the parking lot picking him up. Today, the pick up line at that school winds its way beyond the parking lot and way down the street. More and more parents are limiting their child's exposure to other unsupervized kids.
In our lives, the bus became an emergency back up. Nothing beats the conversations while you are driving with your kids. It is valuable time redeemed.

In my perfect world, there would be at least two other adults on each bus sitting 36 kids apart. I would play calm, classical music and assign seats. There would be zero tolerance for the smallest twitch and serious consequences - including a behavior class - that followed.

Give your child a blessing by being the first face they see after a long day at school, you won't be sorry for that special time, ever. And if you learn that your child is one of the bullies, come down hard on them and insist they make apologies immediately. Forget being defensive, character is at stake.

It's Never Over For Your Kids

I'm talking about divorce. For the parents, there's a final decree and the court date. Boom, marraige over. The notarized paper says so. As time marches on, hopefully each one comes to terms with the end of the union and works through their pain/anger/grief and aquisition of a new toaster or table. It's over for parents.

Not for the kids. The court date didn't draw a line for them. It's not something they get over, because they are the victims of its ongoing consequences. The divorce remains present tense for the kids. Forever.

If you are a spouse, you can say you were once married to someone who (fill in the blank) and you don't have to deal with that anymore. You can move on. The kids don't see it like that. Even the most ugly marraiges aren't viewed through an adult lens.

These are just kids. They have to live with a dead family that now exists in fragments in multiple locations. Their "space" changes as they shuttle back and forth between two households - maybe more if grandparents are in the mix, too. The rules and vibes change, too. Perhaps one parent is more consistent and one more laid back? Maybe one spends more money? They might be in the shaddows, observing mom or dad (or both) dating. The dates might have their own kids. Each parent might marry again. There could even be a new little brother or sister in one household, not to mention any kids that came with the new spouse. Can you imagine what that does to their birth order? The new baby gets to live with dad full time, but they don't. Can you imaging what that does to their self-worth? They are a  part-time kid now. Sob.

On a more petty level, they have stuff spread out between locations, and the way the parents regard the stuff impacts their daily life. "No, you cannot bring that item to your mother's. It stays here." What if they liked the thing 7 days a week, not just weekends? Too bad. Not now.

Worse, what if the parents can't co-parent and do not value the fact that their sperm and egg caused their child into being? The biological role cannot be erased as simply as a marraige license. Mom is mom, Dad is dad. Each parent should strive to communicate objectively with the other because they are still parents. The change is that when they parent now, they aren't together locationally. But they can and should be together - on the same page - as co-parents. It should not be about trying to control the other parent's home life, or sabbotage a relationship or play mean. That gig is at the expense of the child.

My ex used to steal our daughter's coats. In a seven-month period, 5 coats went away. I would send her dressed weather-appropriately and she would come home without a coat or jacket. The first few times it happened, I would call and ask to have him bring back the coat next time. His standard reply was "what coat? I don't have it". Initially I tried to reason and say "yes you do, it was on her when you picked her up". But my descriptions and reminders fell on passive-agressive ears. "I don't have it." The first coat was a nice one, the next coat was one she was growing out of. When I realized he was trying to control me by bothering me, I shut up and sent her in hand-me-down jackets until I ran out. Then I stopped sending her in a coat, period. At just five years old, she was well aware that her father was trying to jerk us around.  If she got cold, she could tell him. I was done engaging.

Our daughter, however, was taught that daddy didn't care about her basic well-being. Bad move on his part. She even stopped bringing him things from school to show him. That still stabs my heart thinking of that this many years later. The earnest little face that wanted her father's affection and approval became determined and savvy at an age when she should have only had to think about what outfit to put on Barbie. But she had to step up to care for herself when she was with him - because he wasn't. The guy who sneered feidishly at me and tried other such manouvers to "get me" failed to make me anxious or worried. He succeeded in damaging the heart of his developing little girl all because he placed a higher value on lashing out than he did in co-parenting.

When she would tell me what he had done or not done, I would empathize and say :"Oh Honey, I am sooo sorry he chose to do that. Come have a hug."  When she would ask me why he would do that, my reply was similar: "I don't know why he would choose that. Let's pray for him to be the best daddy." While I would vent to my friends, I did not disparaiage her father in front of her. I encouraged her to love him because he was her dad, beast that he was. Kids want permission to love both parents. Give it.

You may be in a horror movie of a marraige. (I sure was.) But that ended a long time ago. He died the year after the divorce was final. There were pieces to process and therapy to work on, but it's long over. The hell is over. For me. For our daughter? She is still a child of divorce who lost her home and lifestyle. Her mom returned to work to support them and she learned about before and after school daycare in additon to packing a little suitcase every other weekend. Her parents were in different houses.

How do small children process such drastic changes? Today there are some great support groups for parents and kids. The one I really like is national: Divorce Care 4 Kids. It helps them deal with their divorce at age appropriate levels. When I was divorced, there were support groups for adults but kids weren't addressed. If you are going through a divorce, please take advantage of a group for your kiddoes. They need to be able to express their feelings with other kids who know what it's like. It is even more critical if you have to live with game-playing or lack of parenting from the other parent.

Another great tool for sharing information about the kids neutrally is an internet based tool called Our Family Wizard.  Parents can share schedules, visits and parenting plans not to mention journal, log expenses and e-mail. This gem is worth the $99 annual subscription. www.ourfamilywizard.com

Telling our kids they did not cause the divorce and that mom and dad will always love them isn't enough. We need to act like it by living it out. As hard as it is for a parent to go through a divorce, be sure you try to look at it through your child's eyes. Twenty years from now, they are the ones who will have to figure out which house to go to for Thanksgiving, not you.

Happy Birthday, Baby

Going viral this week is the email from parents of a little boy about to turn one listing things "he wants" for his first birthday. Complete with links to the resource sites, the parents school the recipients with the do's and don't for gifting to their child.

No more than two gifts per family. Only the gifts on the list will do. These are the things he wants.  All gifts must be accompanied by a receipt because they may have to return. The Receipt Rule applies now and evermore. No personalized items, that is kidnap-worthy. Only the Cheerio book for now as he has 35 more books in storage. If you have a question about a gift, call first as one may already be in storage. Oh, and by the way there is another approved list for the family so that there will be no duplicates.

No please, no thank you. Just instructions so tedious they rival the tax code.

Obviously, these are first timers. No one-year-old on the planet knows it's their birthday much less what they want for gifts! They state that "he hates" when they read to him right now. Hmmm. Depends on how they are doing it. That's not the book's fault. Bet the kid hates their (lack of) method. Thinking that their kid's birthday is a big deal for the world is another clue.

Not only are these people wimpy first-timers, they are greedy and materialistic. The email complained about the cost of formula, while mentioning all the things in storage. Storage? They have so much stuff it all can't fit in the same place and there are items waiting for when the kid turns three??

That poor little guy. He doesn't stand a chance for turning out to be a solid citizen. Not with his parents and family focusing on stuff and lists and rules. He's not gonna get to learn how to say "thank you" for a surprise (it has to be on the list, remember) or thoughfulness. He's not even gonna know what being thoughtful is. Instead, he's gonna wade through stuff and have so many material items orchestrated for his supposed "development" he will become dependent, uncreative, self-centered and demanding. Good job, first-timers. Good job!

Doesn't the world need more myopic people who only care for themselves and are so self-absorbed they truly believe they need to manage every detail because then things will surely turn out right?

You don't need any money to celebrate the anniversary of your baby's birth. You may want to shout it to the world, but please if you do, no emails ordering the guests to select from your pre-approved list.

Here's hoping this email was a belated April Fool. If not, then by all means bring the kid anything you like if you really want to hang around such self-absorbed people. Not me. I can't be in the same room when people are wrecking a perfectly fine kid.

What's Wrong With School Fundraisers?

Ding dong. It's a highschool guy selling coupon booklets for 20% off places you never go. Hello, would you like to buy this pricey wrapping paper? No? Well what about these pizzas or tubs of macadamia nut cookie dough? Doesn't everyone need a 5-lb snowflake tin of popcorn for the holidays?

I dare anyone in North America to tell me they have never been approached by a kid selling something of behalf of her school. If it's not the kid, it's the parent who brought the sheet to work to "help" their son increase sales.

If you are a relative, you probably feel like you really have to buy something. If you are the parent, you know you better.

If you are like me, you dread fundraisers. There seems to be more and more of them so you might live in dread all school year long (insert face scrunch emoto here). They are demands for money to "support" the school because there just isn't enough government money to properly fund education. (Ooooo don't even get me started about the government...) The good children will sell as much of this stuff as possible and will be recognized with a special prize and maybe their name on a plaque. The bad children will not do much and will be shunned and everyone will know they failed because the results are celebrated in class with an accompanying parade. Losers must watch in shame while the teachers and ringleaders make a big deal about the winners.

C'mon, is it really this bad you ask? Yes. When the fundraisers are introduced to each grade level, someone promoting it ethusiastically tells the rapt audience about the prizes they will earn at each sales level. The kids float home dreaming of the big prize and eagerly tell their parents they have to - absolutely must - sell, sell, sell. They want to sell The Most. Why? For the nifty prize, of course.

The kids aren't taught about the value of the items to sell or the concept behind the fundraiser. The sponsors merely appeal to greed and show the kids "what they get" out of the deal. Great. Another vapid reinforcement of selfishness and materialism. Yuck. That's what wrong with school fundraisers. They are altruistic decreasers of integrity.

And just try having more than one kid fundraising at the same time. How does Nana decide who to support? Does she buy a roll of wrapping paper from each of the four kiddos? Anyone stop to think Nana might be living on a fixed income? What if the fundraiser's very own family is financially strapped and cannot afford to outlay anything to "support" this important project? What does that do to the kid? Parents? Someone needs to break it to you that if your boss shows up expecting fundraiser sign-ups that you needn't worry about having to comply. Even if you buy, your boss is not going to like you better. Your job is safe.

Not only do fundraisers use guilt techniques and encourage a "what's in it for me" mindset, the prizes they give out are poorly made. Cheap. None of the prizes are keepers you can pass on to the next generation. They dazzle in the promotional photos, but in reality they will break within days if they even make it home on the bus in one piece. Then you have a disappointed kid to console. What a fiasco! You bought all that cookie dough for nothing, huh? Plus: why are any dollars being used for prizes if funds are needed so badly? Hmmmm.

When my kids brought home the glossy fundraiser flyers, I used them as a tool to teach that we can't simply buy everything everyone asks us to. No matter what the reason. It doesn't make us "bad" not to buy. If we have a need for it and the available cash - sure. Since there were fourteen other grandchildren on the family tree, we did not hit up grandparents. We did not bug friends or neighbors either. They had their own little fundraisers. I also pointed out how poorly made the prize was, and how we don't do things to get a prize. I would offer to buy a similar prize that was better made and would last if they worked on a specific goal for a period of time. I coached our kids not to accept any messages at school about being less than others or place their value in what they brought in. And no slumping down at their desk when the "winner" was crowned, either. Just because we didn't spend a lot of money does not make us wrong. Do not receive that message.

Presuring the kids to perform is wrong. Let's teach our kids that we are always their best teachers and will set them straight in this world. Redirect their thoughts out of that herd mindset to blindly follow. And petition the principal to limit the promotion of fundraisers and give parents the opt-out option at the start of the school year. There are other ways to earn money besides sending kids out there and dangling carrots in front of their eager, bright eyes.

Why You Need To Know This About Your Child's Brain

Recent metro area news saddened and impacted a local school district when a 15-year-old boy allegedly accidentally shot his 14-year-old girlfriend and then ran off and shot himself. The girl survived. The boy is dead. Every school in the district followed up with gun safety lessons for each age group. It might prevent future horrors - and I hope it does. But it cannot change this tragedy.

A quick visit to his social media page shows a buffet of photos where the boy was either posing with a gun or acting as if he was holding a gun. Those pictures go back more than a year. He loved guns, and he apparently had relatively easy access to them.

Let's use Piaget's Stages of Cognitive Development, but in everyday language. If you have taken any psych class you have run into the four stages that get us from birth to mid-teens. The stages move from touching and sensing to doing and thinking. The kiddos are "doing" (concrete thinkers) from about 7 to 12 and then "thinking" (abstract thinking) from 12 on up. These stages do not follow chronological development, so a 13-year-old could easily be stuck as more of a concrete thinker. That's how old the boy was in the earlier photos. He was holding a gun, looking cool with no thought of the potential damage it could cause. Click - he was just looking cool at that moment.

If you add drugs or trauma into the mix, a child could feasibily be stuck at the development stage he was at while the chronological age marches on. I know someone now 55 who began doing drugs at age 13. Guess what his social media posts read like? Yep. An early teen still anxious to party on Friday and a fixation on demeaning photos of female anatomy.

The human brain does not even stop growing until the late 20's or early 30's. When you think about that, doesn't it make you wonder why we culturally normalize an 18-year-old-going off to war or a 21-year-old getting married? They have another decade of maturing to do yet we allow them to take on tremendous responsibility. I was a beginner adult when I married the first time at age 21. But in title only. I wasn't a woman and I wasn't mature. The next ten years of brain development and life experience put the icing on the cake of who I am today.

One of my teen clients recently had a baby. She's 15. Part of her is a teen wanting to use her cell phone and gossip. The other part of her pushed a baby out and talks about her weight loss. Technically she is a mother. She gave birth. The statistics and her trajectory indicate that sadly, she will not give life to this little baby. Both she and her mother ignored my suggestion to have the baby adopted in to a two-parent family that was craving children.

Many of my parent clients complain about their children "not listening" or "arguing" with them. Upon further dialog, I learn that the parent has expected adult thinking in the body of a 10-year-old. Time and time again, I remind them that their brains are not even capable of drawing the conclusiion the parent intended. They are literal and concrete. We need to cut them some slack while helping them learn to think on their own. Do you really want your college student calling you to ask how to do the laundry or how to load their backpack?

Even though our kids are concrete thinkers, it doesn't mean we can't coach them in drawing their own conclusions. Rather than tell kids what to do about something, ask them what they think should happen. Get them to process what is going on and to arrive at the answer without you spelling it out for them.

Examples:
1. It's cold outside and you are all going out. Instead of saying "Go get your coat" and not giving them the reasoning,  say "It's cold outside. We'll need coats." The older they get, you can merely state "It's cold" and they can determine if they prefer to be cold or warm.

2. Your kid is working on a presentation. Instead of telling them to say this and that, then more of that. Explain what an introduction is. Teach them how to identify main points. Show them how to wrap it up in a conclusion. You can just call it the begining, the middle and the end. Coach them in identifying what pieces of information should go where. Now you have not only helped them with one project, you have equiping them for the next ones.

3. You are showing your kid how to cook. At least you thought you were. Instead of telling them to pour the sugar into this measuring cup, teach them how to read the recipe and find the corresponding measruing cup from the set. Model the correct way to hold the spatula by showing how much more control there is when we hold it at a certain angle.

Less  talking, more doing.

Concrete thinkers will follow instructions just fine, but don't we want them to make good decisions  their own? It starts with the way we talk to our kids and what we expect from them. Just because you showed them once doesn't ensure they will do it that way again. They are learning how to think. Instead of saying "I told you that already!!" give them a cue.

You can't role-play enough safety scenarios as far as I'm concerned. They have to pre-think a plan so that they get out alive and know just what to do in case they are faced with a friend's bad decision. The day a friend shows them a gun to play with is not the day for them to wonder what to do.

Who Cares if They Don't Eat Dinner?

One of my favorite things to teach parents with small children is how not to fret about dinner time. Some parents try implementing my techniques right away while others continue to have the daily argument and worry about their child's nutrition. The ones who consistently implement tell me how delighted they are with the results.

I'm not saying I don't care about nutrition. I absolutely do. Read on if you would like to stem the boring "eat your dinner" diatribe and enjoy actual conversations instead. Read on if you would like to have a pleasant meal time with your family. If you want to perpetuate fussy eating and whining and raise a little princess or prince, don't bother. (And if that's your goal then what are you doing reading this blog??)

They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. That's the perfect visual for the parent who nags "eat your dinner" every night and thinks that is what is gonna - snap - get their kid to eat.

Nooooo. Kids learn best by hearing, seeing and doing.

All you need to say is "Dinner time." It's rather obvious that the food on the plate is intended to be eaten using the silverware sitting on their napkin. You can model eating by taking bites off your own plate. Create a calm environment - shut off the TV - select conversation threads that don't incite arguments and allow a reasonable period of time for everyone to eat.

Rushing is not good for digestion and can lead to choking, much less anxiety. Public school allows about 20 minutes for lunch, so take your cue from them and add a few more minutes. Teach your family that no one leaves the table until dinner is over. It's rude to have members get up and leave those who chew more slowly. Did you know we are supposed to chew each bite about 20 times? And yes, I am well aware that no one does that in North America. Those who finish early can have more salad, or if they are full they can add to the conversation. No one should start urging slower eaters to hurry. Let the plates sit until the last person finishes. You are not at a restaraunt where they take off the dirty plates the instant someone finishes.

It's another thing if you have a strong-willed kid who stares off and makes no attempt to eat. When the time is up for dinner to be over, it's over. The kitchen is closed until breakfast. For those who have finished their dinner and get hungry later, they are welcome to a bowl of non-sugary cereal before bed. But if they didn't eat their dinner, they don't get a special meal prepared for them - much less a snack.

All you do is smile cheerfully when they delcare "But I'm hungry!!!!"

"I would be too, if  I didn't eat dinner." Smile.

"But --- I'm hungry!!!"

"The kitchen is closed. Breakfast is at 7:00." Another smile.

A couple of nights of this is all it will take for your fussy eater grasp the concept that food will be available at dinner time or they will go hungry. The key is to act as if you are on valium and unfazed by their words. I call this being "Valium Girl". It will take awhile to get it perfected, but remember that all you have to do is act like it. Eventually your feelings of zen will follow the act. There is much parental power to be had by remaining chill and not responding.

Don't let them follow you around trying to wear you down. Gently guide them to their room to get ready for bed. If they come out and want to continue to attempt their power play, point them toward to door to leave the room. Don't talk about dinner any more. Repeat your mantra about breakfast.

I repeat, do not make your fussy eater a separate meal from the rest of the family. You aren't a short order cook. Everyone gets a taste of everything. If your kid "hates" your menu and sulks, get up and dump his plate in the sink and sit back down and eat your dinner. Excuse that kid from the table and calmly continue conversing with the rest of the family. If they ask you why you did that, shrug and say that they said they didn't like it. Breakfast is at 7:00. Remember, no snacking later, The kitchen is closed.

You won't have to do this too many times before it will sink in that you mean business. Oh, and that reminds me. Only one parent needs to do the talking. If there are two parents present, one talks and the other joins in acting calm and changing the subject with everyone else.

What To Teach Your Children About Service Dogs

You've seen a person in a store with a dog wearing a vest, right? The dog walks stalwartly beside the owner. We all know those are trained service dogs and we shouldn't attempt to touch them.

But did you know you should not speak to the dog - or the owner? We should not even look at them.

That I didn't know.

It took my experience with a client who has a service dog and observing what happens when I take her out in public to realize how important it is to leave the dog and the owner alone.

Every time we go somewhere, it's a guarantee that people will walk up, interrupt our conversation and tell her how beautiful her dog is. I tell the person that the dog is working, and they tell us they know and then continue to ask about the dog. If a small child is involved, the parent will ask if they can pet the dog or walk the child up to the dog and tell the child the dog is working and can't be touched. And then the parent will stand right there asking about the dog. My client freezes up and stares uncomfortably, murmering short answers. I step in and inform the party that a sevice dog is working and needs to be left alone.

Even though I politely address the situation and get the people to walk away it's too late. My client's anxiety has already gone off the chart. My client doesn't have a service dog because she is blind. She has a service dog because she has PTSD and extreme anxiety. What you or I may think of as a friendly aside comment - "Your dog is beautiful" - triggers her fears because she does not want and cannot handle attention from strangers that is unexpected.

Before I met this client, I knew not to touch a service dog but I was ignorant about speaking to the owner because I enjoy talking to people. Now I understand why the people I spoke to were not friendly in their replies. I had made them uncomfortable because of how they process public interaction. Even when I have smiled at someone with a service dog, they have awkwardly looked away. There I was, thinking I was being kind by smiling at them and they were freaking out on the inside. Thanks to this client, I get it now.

The other day my client told me she went to WalMart for what should have been a twenty minute trip. Ninety minutes later, she left after having been stopped thirtten times. One mother even loadly told her kid "That's a mean lady" when my client told them the dog was working and could not be touched.

Her dog's service vest has the logo of the agency's certification but that hasn't been eough. I ordered her a patch that says "Service Dog" and the "Please Don't Touch" logo.

Everyone needs to know that a service dog isn't just a pet. It is part of a therapy plan and has been trained to provide comfort and assurance to the owner. Service dogs only focus on their owners and don't go around looking for other people to lick. Without her service dog, my client would literally be unable to leave the house. She has two other dogs who are pets. But her service dog knows her role and "goes to work".

If you have children, please teach them what the role of a service dog is and that when they spot one, to mind their own business. The owners have a reason why they have been prescribed a service dog and need to put one foot in front of the other. This includes pointing. Service dog owners need to focus on their dog and don't want any attention in spite of the fact that a dog in a store ironically calls attention to the duo.

Please join me in spreading the word that it is not unfriendly to look the other way.

No, You Don't Have To Support Everything Your Kid Does

Besides who won which Oscar, the Big Hollywood News trending this week is why a celebrity mother of a young actress who starred in a sexually controversial movie chose not to see her kid's movie. With a microphone in her face on The Red Carpet, mom Melanie Griffith admitted she did not plan to see the movie. Despite daughter Dakota Johnson's snippy interruptions that she would be seeing the movie - trying to soften mom's admission. Mom kept a smile on her face and calmly stated she did not wish to see her daughter under those circumstances. Dakota twitched.

Bravo to mom! Especially a celebrity mom with her kid "in the business", that took guts. Especially on A Big Night in North America on live television.

This brings me to the topic: How far should parents go in order to support their children? My abusive first husband's family stood stalwartly by his side pointing fingers at me when I finally said enough was enough and had him arrested. Friends told me "blood was thicker than water". Apparently, blood trumped cruel behavior? I've seen parents get blindly indignant when their cheating kid is caught, I've had parents argue with me because I advocated a child's punishment for what they did to break the law. I have seen parents hire the best lawyer to get their kid off from admittedly stealing a car or bailing them out of jail for their DUI. The Lifetime channel is full of movies about parents who supposedly "want the best" for their children and will do anything for them. Anything and everything.

Wrong.

If your kid is flunking, she is flunking. If your kid is stealing, he is stealing. It's your kid's Science Fair Project, not yours. Let your kids experience life's real consequences for their choices, don't give in to the temptation to fix it or over-help or sweep it under the carpet. You think you are protecting them but you are actually harming them.

It's one thing to love your bambinos to pieces, and quite another to respect their choices or even like the kid. Just because you are their parent doesn't mean you look the other way when they do something you don't approve of. And don't go thinking I'm saying you should become a judge! I'm talking about recognizing evil as evil, breaking the law as arrest-worthy, and immorality as immorality. I know one mom who wants her adult kid to like her so much she bites her lip when they bring the date home to have sex on her new couch and leave used condoms underneath. What? She believes if she "makes" her child mad, they will turn their back on her.

I love it when a parent speaks up gracefully and states what is not okay. Remember, our job is not to get our kids to like us, it's to raise a solid citizen. Just like leadership in any other venue, being liked is not as important as getting the right job done and seeing the big picture.

Hats off to a celebrity mom for standing her ground and not giving the expected response in hopes of pleasing Hollywood and getting a boost for her career. Now that's a woman worthy of respect. And the daughter? Not so much. And not just because she allowed Hollywood to use her for a trending money-maker, but because of her reaction to her mother at her event. Poor choice, Dakota. Your mom will always be your mama. And yep, sometimes it is okay not to be proud of an adult child's decisions.

"You Made Me Angry!!!"

Actually, no you didn't.

People can't "make" another person anything. It is up to the individual determining their response to the situation that brings in their own  emotions. No one else is responsible for our emotions. They all belong to lil' ol' us. Period.

Feeling angry? Fine. Just own that it is your response, not someone else's command. Sure. You might feel angry after experiencing something with another person. But they did not "make" you angry. It's not their fault you are angry or what you do with that anger.

I know someone who blamed his car accident on his mom dying. He was so angry, he crashed his car. It was his mom's fault. Not really. It was his fault because he was the driver. Instead of owning his responsibility, he shrugged off the blame and played the victim. If he would have said "I was so angry and preoccupied when my mom died, I totalled my car" it would have made more sense.

When my kids were small and would sulk at me "you made me angry!!!" I would always respond with "Nope. No one can make you have your feelings but you. You can tell me you are angry, but I did not cause your anger." That sure took the wind out of their sails and intitially they would stomp out of the room. Gradually they could separate the cause from their reactions and ceased to point the finger. They learned from a very short height that they are "the boss of their emotions" - no one else.

Another thing not to say is "I just can't help how angry I feel about ________." Yes, you can. Your anger is the result of this formula:  A + B = C. Your anger is C, what happened was A. B is your perception, your interpretation of what A means. It is your B that you need to figure out and possibly reframe.

Here's an example. When I was first married to my hubby, his exwife regularly did or said things regarding their child that I would seethe over. My husband on the other hand, would shrug it off. I wanted him to join me in anger and be as irritated as I was. He could care less because his B was different than mine. His B was "so what?" and my B was "no one should do this" and thus my C. Once I learned that it was what it was and she wasn't going to change, I released my anger and my B became an "oh well". It was very freeing.

So when you are faced with something that really pushes your anger buttons, sit yourself down and ask yourself how you are attaching meaning to that B. You may find out someone is doing somethng just like someone in your past, or that something reminds you of a time you were wronged or failed. Once you know this formula, you truly can become slow to anger and more cautious in your speech.

Now when I see a loud, angry person I don't cringe or fear. They are just displaying to the world a low level of maturity and demonstrating a lack of self control. I wish every child growing up in an angry household today could know this truth before it impacts them.

Oh, and just like no one can make you angry, no one can make you happy, either. But that's for another blog.

Sometimes, Child Abuse Looks Like This...

Sometimes, it looks like this...

We are all aware of the media stories, so I 'm not going there. It's horrible. But sometimes, child abuse lives in the suburbs and everyone looks "nice".

Since I am faced with families and kiddos working on overcoming emotional obstales each day, I get to think about lil' ol' me every once in awhile.

I had a controlling father that would demand that no door be locked and would burst in "just to check". The worst was the bathroom door - just because he could. As a child, all I knew was that the angry man was there and could not relax. As an adult dealing with IBS, I finally figured my out my struggle.

Gee Whiz. What that man did was completely degrading. No wonder I have spent so many years either conspitated or otherwise? Ever since I finally figured out the root of my decades of plague..-guess what? I also realized what this is called.

This is child abuse.

Forget the beatings and beratings That was already going on.

Just randomly jerking open the bathroom door to "check on/surprise" a child trying to "do business" and silently demanding them to normalize that ... so, so, so deplorable. But that's what I grew up with as a kid and thought it was "normal". I also thought being clogged up was, too.

A parent shaming their child while they perform a bodily function?  How much lower can you get? In North America, that is the ultimate of private acts. Gosh even our dog wanders out of sight when she goes.

I remember telling my mom once, finally. And then it stopped. I was 10.

But not for me physically. I still live with "issues". Since I figured out the source and no one is bursting in on me or degrading me any longer, I have had the best poop time in my life. Sadly, it's still IBS though.

Cheers to all my fellow IBS friends. I am certain this is also medical, but for me my medical was caused from an external source. This makes me sad for that little girl that used to clench her colon. But I understand that was all she knew.

Shame on anyone who views small children as objects of control and does not respect them as humans worthy of dignity just like everyone else. An awful lot of unhealthy or downright evil acts are normalized far too often. If this post causes one person to examine their motives and actions toward an innocent, dependent child it's worth it.

Anything you are doing because you can or you want it that way is your red flag. Stop passing on the batton of condemnation.

Is This For You or For Them?

Did you grow up playing the piano - so now your kids have to?

When you were in grade school, did you attend a Bible club - so yours do now?

Did your mom pierce your ears as an infant, so that's what you did to your baby?

Do you carry on a childhood Sunday night Family Dinner Night tradtion today?

Some nastalgic tradtions pass on meaning to future generations. How wonderful to clear calendars and gather for a meal with relatives - especially in today's shrinking margin of free time. Perhaps infant ear-piercing has a significance in your family.  The 1950s TV show Leave it to Beaver had the family dress for their nightly dinner at the dining room table. And don't piano lessons teach responsibility? Awwww.

If you have fond memories of attending a church sponsored children's club, there is a strong likelihood you may want to share that with your children. Often, it's the parents who never participated in church activities as a child that are insistent in providing that experience for their children today. Sometimes, it's the opposite: they grew up spending so much time at church they are burned out and decide their children "can choose for themselves" at some point.

Same goes with music lessons.

The trouble with not being intentional about what we expose our children to during their developing years is that their filter is not well-balanced.

How will they know they might like to skate if they never get to try? How can they know their soul sings when they paint if they are never exposed to it? If they aren't introduced to soccer, how will they know if they are good at kicking? Same goes with church. Kids only know what they experience in their everyday lives. My goal was to ensure that physical, spiritual and artistic categories were covered over a dozen + years so that by the time they graduated highschool, my kids had discovered some talents, passions and God. From there, they can launch full-force into their first foray in the real, big world.

We've all seen the kid with the father who had been an all-star back in the day. Dad puts extra pressure on his kid to perform. Or maybe it's the beauty pagent mom who wants her girl to "be pretty" but poor little Lulu has a weight problem. (Cringe on both.)

I met a passionate Girl Scout leader with a daughter who shrugs and says "it's boring". Mom corrects by telling her how fun it was when they went here and there and they did this and that.  Her girl agreed the field trips were fun, but the weekly meetings weren't. Mom innocently believes her beloved kiddo needs to learn to appreciate it more and urges her to finish the written work in order to earn her two new badges "because Girl Scouts is fun". The child dutifully sat down and did the work, much to mom's delight.

In this sceanrio, who likes Girl Scouts? Not the girl. This particular troop is organized in a fashion that speaks to the way mom likes to process, but not the girl. She just loves her mama and wants to please her. I'll wager that whatever her written assignment was is not any aquired knowledge.

In our scope of parenting, it's important to seek objectivity. Ask ourselves if we are covering all the bases with a variety of learning expriences. Frontmost in our minds must be the question "is this what honors my child's learning style and interests?"

Not every child knows they want to play the tuba, it's our job to strategically expose them to the opportunities to discover that - even if we have no prior experience or tuba-love.  When we find out something isn't a fit, we readjust rather than continue to push the point.

In the case of the Girl Scout illustration, the little girl's 3 faithful years of attendance is more than enough. If mom continues to push, her tween will then determine mom doesn't understand and look elsewhere for support during upcoming critical developmental years.

Parents: I repeat. Is this for you or for you kid?