What's Wrong With School Fundraisers?

Ding dong. It's a highschool guy selling coupon booklets for 20% off places you never go. Hello, would you like to buy this pricey wrapping paper? No? Well what about these pizzas or tubs of macadamia nut cookie dough? Doesn't everyone need a 5-lb snowflake tin of popcorn for the holidays?

I dare anyone in North America to tell me they have never been approached by a kid selling something of behalf of her school. If it's not the kid, it's the parent who brought the sheet to work to "help" their son increase sales.

If you are a relative, you probably feel like you really have to buy something. If you are the parent, you know you better.

If you are like me, you dread fundraisers. There seems to be more and more of them so you might live in dread all school year long (insert face scrunch emoto here). They are demands for money to "support" the school because there just isn't enough government money to properly fund education. (Ooooo don't even get me started about the government...) The good children will sell as much of this stuff as possible and will be recognized with a special prize and maybe their name on a plaque. The bad children will not do much and will be shunned and everyone will know they failed because the results are celebrated in class with an accompanying parade. Losers must watch in shame while the teachers and ringleaders make a big deal about the winners.

C'mon, is it really this bad you ask? Yes. When the fundraisers are introduced to each grade level, someone promoting it ethusiastically tells the rapt audience about the prizes they will earn at each sales level. The kids float home dreaming of the big prize and eagerly tell their parents they have to - absolutely must - sell, sell, sell. They want to sell The Most. Why? For the nifty prize, of course.

The kids aren't taught about the value of the items to sell or the concept behind the fundraiser. The sponsors merely appeal to greed and show the kids "what they get" out of the deal. Great. Another vapid reinforcement of selfishness and materialism. Yuck. That's what wrong with school fundraisers. They are altruistic decreasers of integrity.

And just try having more than one kid fundraising at the same time. How does Nana decide who to support? Does she buy a roll of wrapping paper from each of the four kiddos? Anyone stop to think Nana might be living on a fixed income? What if the fundraiser's very own family is financially strapped and cannot afford to outlay anything to "support" this important project? What does that do to the kid? Parents? Someone needs to break it to you that if your boss shows up expecting fundraiser sign-ups that you needn't worry about having to comply. Even if you buy, your boss is not going to like you better. Your job is safe.

Not only do fundraisers use guilt techniques and encourage a "what's in it for me" mindset, the prizes they give out are poorly made. Cheap. None of the prizes are keepers you can pass on to the next generation. They dazzle in the promotional photos, but in reality they will break within days if they even make it home on the bus in one piece. Then you have a disappointed kid to console. What a fiasco! You bought all that cookie dough for nothing, huh? Plus: why are any dollars being used for prizes if funds are needed so badly? Hmmmm.

When my kids brought home the glossy fundraiser flyers, I used them as a tool to teach that we can't simply buy everything everyone asks us to. No matter what the reason. It doesn't make us "bad" not to buy. If we have a need for it and the available cash - sure. Since there were fourteen other grandchildren on the family tree, we did not hit up grandparents. We did not bug friends or neighbors either. They had their own little fundraisers. I also pointed out how poorly made the prize was, and how we don't do things to get a prize. I would offer to buy a similar prize that was better made and would last if they worked on a specific goal for a period of time. I coached our kids not to accept any messages at school about being less than others or place their value in what they brought in. And no slumping down at their desk when the "winner" was crowned, either. Just because we didn't spend a lot of money does not make us wrong. Do not receive that message.

Presuring the kids to perform is wrong. Let's teach our kids that we are always their best teachers and will set them straight in this world. Redirect their thoughts out of that herd mindset to blindly follow. And petition the principal to limit the promotion of fundraisers and give parents the opt-out option at the start of the school year. There are other ways to earn money besides sending kids out there and dangling carrots in front of their eager, bright eyes.

Why You Need To Know This About Your Child's Brain

Recent metro area news saddened and impacted a local school district when a 15-year-old boy allegedly accidentally shot his 14-year-old girlfriend and then ran off and shot himself. The girl survived. The boy is dead. Every school in the district followed up with gun safety lessons for each age group. It might prevent future horrors - and I hope it does. But it cannot change this tragedy.

A quick visit to his social media page shows a buffet of photos where the boy was either posing with a gun or acting as if he was holding a gun. Those pictures go back more than a year. He loved guns, and he apparently had relatively easy access to them.

Let's use Piaget's Stages of Cognitive Development, but in everyday language. If you have taken any psych class you have run into the four stages that get us from birth to mid-teens. The stages move from touching and sensing to doing and thinking. The kiddos are "doing" (concrete thinkers) from about 7 to 12 and then "thinking" (abstract thinking) from 12 on up. These stages do not follow chronological development, so a 13-year-old could easily be stuck as more of a concrete thinker. That's how old the boy was in the earlier photos. He was holding a gun, looking cool with no thought of the potential damage it could cause. Click - he was just looking cool at that moment.

If you add drugs or trauma into the mix, a child could feasibily be stuck at the development stage he was at while the chronological age marches on. I know someone now 55 who began doing drugs at age 13. Guess what his social media posts read like? Yep. An early teen still anxious to party on Friday and a fixation on demeaning photos of female anatomy.

The human brain does not even stop growing until the late 20's or early 30's. When you think about that, doesn't it make you wonder why we culturally normalize an 18-year-old-going off to war or a 21-year-old getting married? They have another decade of maturing to do yet we allow them to take on tremendous responsibility. I was a beginner adult when I married the first time at age 21. But in title only. I wasn't a woman and I wasn't mature. The next ten years of brain development and life experience put the icing on the cake of who I am today.

One of my teen clients recently had a baby. She's 15. Part of her is a teen wanting to use her cell phone and gossip. The other part of her pushed a baby out and talks about her weight loss. Technically she is a mother. She gave birth. The statistics and her trajectory indicate that sadly, she will not give life to this little baby. Both she and her mother ignored my suggestion to have the baby adopted in to a two-parent family that was craving children.

Many of my parent clients complain about their children "not listening" or "arguing" with them. Upon further dialog, I learn that the parent has expected adult thinking in the body of a 10-year-old. Time and time again, I remind them that their brains are not even capable of drawing the conclusiion the parent intended. They are literal and concrete. We need to cut them some slack while helping them learn to think on their own. Do you really want your college student calling you to ask how to do the laundry or how to load their backpack?

Even though our kids are concrete thinkers, it doesn't mean we can't coach them in drawing their own conclusions. Rather than tell kids what to do about something, ask them what they think should happen. Get them to process what is going on and to arrive at the answer without you spelling it out for them.

Examples:
1. It's cold outside and you are all going out. Instead of saying "Go get your coat" and not giving them the reasoning,  say "It's cold outside. We'll need coats." The older they get, you can merely state "It's cold" and they can determine if they prefer to be cold or warm.

2. Your kid is working on a presentation. Instead of telling them to say this and that, then more of that. Explain what an introduction is. Teach them how to identify main points. Show them how to wrap it up in a conclusion. You can just call it the begining, the middle and the end. Coach them in identifying what pieces of information should go where. Now you have not only helped them with one project, you have equiping them for the next ones.

3. You are showing your kid how to cook. At least you thought you were. Instead of telling them to pour the sugar into this measuring cup, teach them how to read the recipe and find the corresponding measruing cup from the set. Model the correct way to hold the spatula by showing how much more control there is when we hold it at a certain angle.

Less  talking, more doing.

Concrete thinkers will follow instructions just fine, but don't we want them to make good decisions  their own? It starts with the way we talk to our kids and what we expect from them. Just because you showed them once doesn't ensure they will do it that way again. They are learning how to think. Instead of saying "I told you that already!!" give them a cue.

You can't role-play enough safety scenarios as far as I'm concerned. They have to pre-think a plan so that they get out alive and know just what to do in case they are faced with a friend's bad decision. The day a friend shows them a gun to play with is not the day for them to wonder what to do.

Who Cares if They Don't Eat Dinner?

One of my favorite things to teach parents with small children is how not to fret about dinner time. Some parents try implementing my techniques right away while others continue to have the daily argument and worry about their child's nutrition. The ones who consistently implement tell me how delighted they are with the results.

I'm not saying I don't care about nutrition. I absolutely do. Read on if you would like to stem the boring "eat your dinner" diatribe and enjoy actual conversations instead. Read on if you would like to have a pleasant meal time with your family. If you want to perpetuate fussy eating and whining and raise a little princess or prince, don't bother. (And if that's your goal then what are you doing reading this blog??)

They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. That's the perfect visual for the parent who nags "eat your dinner" every night and thinks that is what is gonna - snap - get their kid to eat.

Nooooo. Kids learn best by hearing, seeing and doing.

All you need to say is "Dinner time." It's rather obvious that the food on the plate is intended to be eaten using the silverware sitting on their napkin. You can model eating by taking bites off your own plate. Create a calm environment - shut off the TV - select conversation threads that don't incite arguments and allow a reasonable period of time for everyone to eat.

Rushing is not good for digestion and can lead to choking, much less anxiety. Public school allows about 20 minutes for lunch, so take your cue from them and add a few more minutes. Teach your family that no one leaves the table until dinner is over. It's rude to have members get up and leave those who chew more slowly. Did you know we are supposed to chew each bite about 20 times? And yes, I am well aware that no one does that in North America. Those who finish early can have more salad, or if they are full they can add to the conversation. No one should start urging slower eaters to hurry. Let the plates sit until the last person finishes. You are not at a restaraunt where they take off the dirty plates the instant someone finishes.

It's another thing if you have a strong-willed kid who stares off and makes no attempt to eat. When the time is up for dinner to be over, it's over. The kitchen is closed until breakfast. For those who have finished their dinner and get hungry later, they are welcome to a bowl of non-sugary cereal before bed. But if they didn't eat their dinner, they don't get a special meal prepared for them - much less a snack.

All you do is smile cheerfully when they delcare "But I'm hungry!!!!"

"I would be too, if  I didn't eat dinner." Smile.

"But --- I'm hungry!!!"

"The kitchen is closed. Breakfast is at 7:00." Another smile.

A couple of nights of this is all it will take for your fussy eater grasp the concept that food will be available at dinner time or they will go hungry. The key is to act as if you are on valium and unfazed by their words. I call this being "Valium Girl". It will take awhile to get it perfected, but remember that all you have to do is act like it. Eventually your feelings of zen will follow the act. There is much parental power to be had by remaining chill and not responding.

Don't let them follow you around trying to wear you down. Gently guide them to their room to get ready for bed. If they come out and want to continue to attempt their power play, point them toward to door to leave the room. Don't talk about dinner any more. Repeat your mantra about breakfast.

I repeat, do not make your fussy eater a separate meal from the rest of the family. You aren't a short order cook. Everyone gets a taste of everything. If your kid "hates" your menu and sulks, get up and dump his plate in the sink and sit back down and eat your dinner. Excuse that kid from the table and calmly continue conversing with the rest of the family. If they ask you why you did that, shrug and say that they said they didn't like it. Breakfast is at 7:00. Remember, no snacking later, The kitchen is closed.

You won't have to do this too many times before it will sink in that you mean business. Oh, and that reminds me. Only one parent needs to do the talking. If there are two parents present, one talks and the other joins in acting calm and changing the subject with everyone else.

What To Teach Your Children About Service Dogs

You've seen a person in a store with a dog wearing a vest, right? The dog walks stalwartly beside the owner. We all know those are trained service dogs and we shouldn't attempt to touch them.

But did you know you should not speak to the dog - or the owner? We should not even look at them.

That I didn't know.

It took my experience with a client who has a service dog and observing what happens when I take her out in public to realize how important it is to leave the dog and the owner alone.

Every time we go somewhere, it's a guarantee that people will walk up, interrupt our conversation and tell her how beautiful her dog is. I tell the person that the dog is working, and they tell us they know and then continue to ask about the dog. If a small child is involved, the parent will ask if they can pet the dog or walk the child up to the dog and tell the child the dog is working and can't be touched. And then the parent will stand right there asking about the dog. My client freezes up and stares uncomfortably, murmering short answers. I step in and inform the party that a sevice dog is working and needs to be left alone.

Even though I politely address the situation and get the people to walk away it's too late. My client's anxiety has already gone off the chart. My client doesn't have a service dog because she is blind. She has a service dog because she has PTSD and extreme anxiety. What you or I may think of as a friendly aside comment - "Your dog is beautiful" - triggers her fears because she does not want and cannot handle attention from strangers that is unexpected.

Before I met this client, I knew not to touch a service dog but I was ignorant about speaking to the owner because I enjoy talking to people. Now I understand why the people I spoke to were not friendly in their replies. I had made them uncomfortable because of how they process public interaction. Even when I have smiled at someone with a service dog, they have awkwardly looked away. There I was, thinking I was being kind by smiling at them and they were freaking out on the inside. Thanks to this client, I get it now.

The other day my client told me she went to WalMart for what should have been a twenty minute trip. Ninety minutes later, she left after having been stopped thirtten times. One mother even loadly told her kid "That's a mean lady" when my client told them the dog was working and could not be touched.

Her dog's service vest has the logo of the agency's certification but that hasn't been eough. I ordered her a patch that says "Service Dog" and the "Please Don't Touch" logo.

Everyone needs to know that a service dog isn't just a pet. It is part of a therapy plan and has been trained to provide comfort and assurance to the owner. Service dogs only focus on their owners and don't go around looking for other people to lick. Without her service dog, my client would literally be unable to leave the house. She has two other dogs who are pets. But her service dog knows her role and "goes to work".

If you have children, please teach them what the role of a service dog is and that when they spot one, to mind their own business. The owners have a reason why they have been prescribed a service dog and need to put one foot in front of the other. This includes pointing. Service dog owners need to focus on their dog and don't want any attention in spite of the fact that a dog in a store ironically calls attention to the duo.

Please join me in spreading the word that it is not unfriendly to look the other way.