Rebuilding Takes Time

Over ten years after America's worst terrorist attack obliterated the World Trade Center, it's descendant, the Freedom Tower has nearly reached it's full height. With just 500 more feet to go, when finished she will soar even higher than her predecessor. Today a column was hoisted in place that already makes this possible.

America has been in the rebuilding business ever since the tragedy was forced upon us. I did not know until today that the new building will stand 1,776 feet high in honor of the year 1776. It is a big deal that America now has one of the top three tallest buildings in the world. It represents our resilience, productivity and leadership. But it's been ten years in the making, and not finished yet.

This is a good example about what it takes to recover and rebuild after a tragedy. We can't snap our fingers and make it go any faster than it does. A minute is a minute is a day is a month is a year. Rebuilding cannot be rushed, as much as we would like it to be.

How many times have we been in something so thick and painful and cried out for it to be over? As a parent, I have held my sick children while they hurt and wished to feel better soon. "Mommie, can you please ask Jesus to make this go away faster?" It is a helpless feeling when we can't fix it, we are also waiting...

Waiting to feel better, waiting not to hurt so much, waiting for that test result, waiting for that job to come through... Waiting for your credit to be restored so you can try to own a home again, waiting on an email or call from a long-lost loved one...

We can rebuild from utter desolation. Each step in our process reminds me of the talent that is building the Freedom Tower. We need the new infrastructure, the engineers, the equipment and the plan. We need the people behind each action item to help us reach our goal. In addition to all of this, we need a realistic view of how long things will take.

Side chuckle: I once had the CEO of the company I worked for jab his finger in my face and demand that I learn an entire software program that evening. This was at 5:00 p.m. The actual learning curve for this program would take 8 weeks of in-depth classes.

So maybe the people we need are bankers or lawyers. Doctors or counselors. Maybe we need a good book or website to encourage or inspire. These people can help us get the "right equipment" so we can rebuild in our area of need.

Just like Freedom Tower, it won't be the same as before, but it can honor what has gone before. And then, there's that new part that introduces hope for the future.

Gotta keep hoping...

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Helping Kids Navigate Big Changes

You could call me the professional relocate-r. I have moved so many times while growing up and as an adult, I know the drill. I know how to research movers, determine which boxes to self-pack and how to pack them, catalog everything and what to do first when we land in our new zip code.

When our son was completing first grade, we were packing up to move half-way across the country. We wanted him to have the least amount of angst as possible. He was not the type to hurl himself into an adventure and thrived on structure and anticipated order, so I knew we needed to be careful. This was a huge change in every way for the entire family.

First, we prepared him in advance. We had family chats, showed him maps and helped him pre-pack some boxes from his bedroom.

Next, I asked his teacher if I could come to school and share a special story. I wrote and illustrated a story using his classmates as characters, and described the big move their friend was about to experience. A bunch of delighted 6-year olds loved the story I read and the snacks I brought along. They loved seeing how I had drawn them and what I had them say.

Finally, I brought a very large T-shirt and fabric markers along. I asked the class, teachers and office staff to sign the shirt.

Our son loved everything about the careful attention, and wore that T-shirt as a sleep shirt for years.

I didn't know we still had it until the other night when I saw this faded example of my mama-love in the laundry. What was once nearly a gown is now pretty much a monkey shirt on our 9-foot son. How sweet that it's still around as a reminder to all of us about a little boy who was surrounded by love and support during the first big transition in his life.

Tattoo Mama

So, the other day I was standing in a Starbucks line behind a pregnant mom with two toddlers in her cart. She got Frappacinos for all three of them, but that's not the point. Her hair was in a ponytail and she had a tattoo on the back of her neck... some word in an elegant cursive font. As she moved away and I stepped closer to the cashier, I could read her tattoo:

Sinful

Funny that when I went to Google an image for this entry, the tattoo on the back of the neck was also labeled something like "tasteful tattoos for girls" who "want to be modest".

It wasn't so modest for me. Now I wonder even more why a mother of young kids would get such a tat when her little back seat riders will one day all to soon will be able to read? What will she say? What will these older sibs tell their new brother or sister about what it means?

Before anyone snarks at me, I am the first to admit that I over-zealously glued pages shut, used white-out to change "objectionable" words in books and read, saw or guarded every single thing before my kids saw it. And, as I tell parents now... I laugh at my extreme concern but still appreciate my intention.

That being said, I just wonder why one would go to the expense (and pain) to have that particular word embedded in their skin forever? And, sorry... it's not that modest because I saw it and I wasn't even looking.

Am I anti-tattoos? I don't think I would get one, but I semi-understand. I just try to avoid all unnecessary pain. My adult daughter designed a beautiful one for her back shoulder. It has about 15 layers of significance, so she gets a pass. Where we live, I notice a lot of grandmothers with something small on their ankles. The ones I really wince at are on the people that get something on their stomachs or chests. As they age, that little worm is gonna droop into a snake!

What I am getting at is that it seems that people who choose to get one or one hundred tattoos ascribe a meaning and a plan for their ink. It is well thought out and an important investment.

I hope this young mother's last name was "Sinful" and that I am wrong for my reaction that anyone would choose a word that has such heavy connotations to wear on a daily basis and have to explain to her babies.

Parents have so much to explain anyway, I am not a fan of adding to our challenges.

Pancake Love

I always wanted lots of children. As a child, I wrote stories that included elaborate illustrations of large families. Each child had a special characteristic and multiple drawings depicting them in action. As an adult, both of my children were hard to conceive and were long-awaited, joyful answers to prayer.

When our girl was ten years old, we were thrilled to learn that I was finally pregnant again. She joined in our excitement anticipating the new addition to our family. Mind you, she had been my one and only, had survived a horror of divorce and death of her birth father, rejoiced later in my marriage and thrilled to be adopted by that good guy. In her ten years, this little girl had already experienced another person's lifetime of loss and hope.

As the pregnancy moved along, we found out the new addition was going to be a little brother. I was beyond myself to realize I was going to be blessed to have "one of each".

Our girl also rejoiced as much as a third grader can. She drew us pictures, eagerly came to doctor appointments and earnestly crafted gifts for her soon-to-be-born brother.

In the midst of all the joy and hope, I sensed that something was going on within her. I truly believe God prompted me to ask her about this one day. I was careful and casual, and I must have done something right because the net take-away was that she wondered how I would be able to love her new baby brother without some of my love for her being subdivided.

We had the best chat! I told her that the love God gives everyone just keeps growing. In order to love someone else, nothing is taken away from those we already love. It's like a pile of pancakes. We already had a pile "this high" but with our new little guy coming along, God would pile it even higher.

That turned out to be just what she needed to hear.

What Mom Doesn't Work?

A hot news topic the past few days is the charge that stay-at-home mom Ann Romney "has never worked a day in her life." The message implied was that Ann could thus not have any meaningful input about what is happening economically because she hadn't really done much with her life. The media has jumped on this and all sorts of facts, figures and responses are popping up everywhere.

I am happy that a passing comment has generated so much publicity about motherhood and is bringing attention to both stay-at-home moms and those moms who work outside the home. This is great fodder for a fun discussion over your favorite Starbucks coffee.

For years, conflicting messages have been presented in our North American culture. Throw some church viewpoints in there and it is either a sin for a mom to work outside the home or that moms who do not work outside the home are somehow lesser than those out there "using their brains".

While I was growing up, my mother did not work outside the home. But she was the family project manager, gourmet chef, counselor, girl friend to my father, volunteer, hostess, financier, decorator and friend. She spent hours every day after school assisting my younger brother with his school work and volunteered in the school library. My mom was a vital woman who enjoyed a full life and became a painter and artist. When I was in high school, she began a second career in real estate before anyone's mom was doing it. When I was in college, the "phase II" of her life with grown kids was cut short when she died of cancer.

I have been both a stay-at-home mama and a working mama. When my daughter was young, I had to work and it was very painful to leave her at daycare. I would skip lunch in order to get to her as soon as possible and spend the rest of the evening with my precious lamb. At one point I was able to rearrange my work schedule to get home right when the bus dropped her off at 3:10. For people who know that I am not a morning fan at all, they will gulp to learn I got up at 5:30 every day for her.

When our son was just 18 months old, I became a children's pastor out of passion for children and families. This isn't a job, it is an extension of my soul... but it does mean I was still a working mother. I have been blessed to serve at churches under senior leadership that has allowed me to organize my work schedule around my family. This has allowed me to be there first for my family and be the best children's pastor possible. We have been fortunate that I have had a position and the support that has allowed me to do what I love while loving and being there for my family. When our now nine-foot-tall son was just a preschooler, he used to refer to my office at church as "our office". Ohhh did that make my heart sing and affirmed that he knew his place in my life!

Every stay-at-home mother I have ever had the privilege to know has my complete admiration. Many of them have temporarily retired from high powered positions. All of them dive into their family life with high energy. They work hard to make sure to provide multitudes of experiences and learning opportunities for their children. Some of these moms are also the educators of their kids. Some of these moms send their kids to school. Either way, they all ensure that their children understand what was taught each day. They are creative, on-going learners who are the rudders of their families.

I have been meeting more and more moms who have developed side jobs or hobbies that have become a source of income, all while putting their families first. That means they get less sleep in order to do this after the kids go to bed, or play tag team if there's a dad around to be sure one parent is always there for the kids.

The working moms I have met that do not have the flexibility in the schedules that I have had and are gone during traditional business hours each day really have it tough. That's my humble opinion. They have to look professional earlier in the day while toting kid gear and kids to an early morning daycare, head off to work where they need to focus for x number of consecutive hours. Before they can go straight home, often they are also the parent who picks up the kids from daycare/after school programs. When they come home for the night, they are still needed and responsible for nurturing and encouraging their families.

There is not one woman I have ever met who is "less than" or "more than" any other woman because she does or does not work outside the home. Mothers are awesome! You don't need a paying job to be valued or have important input and insights. And, I'll just throw in there not to compare education or position. A mom is a mom. Yes, at first it may be intimidating to find out the mom sitting next to you is head of the state bar association, or has a Ph. D, but you know what? We are all just humans...and fellow moms. I bet Ann Romney has her finger on the pulse of her areas of expertise just like any other stay-at-home mom. She is worth a listen, just like every mom.

Wait!

One of the things I have taught our dog to do is to "wait". She is very excited to go for car rides, but our cars are outside. We exit through the garage and she has learned to wait once we hit the garage door opener. At first she will run wildly toward the opening door, but upon hearing me caution her to "wait", all 11 pounds of her skids to a halt. She retraces her steps and walks out to the car with me. She has learned that being careful keeps her safe, and her reward is the coveted ride in the car.

Many parenting checklists cover certain skills our children should master by when in order to function well socially. By fifth grade, one of the things our kids should have learned to do is to wait.

While I completely agree, I think that in technologically microwaveable instant messaging text savvy DVRing Googling North America that is asking a lot for today's Kindergarteners.

They have never known life without a smart phone, microwave, DVR, drive-through Starbucks or take-home pre-cooked dinners from the deli section of Target. Their parents can Google and download coloring pages, craft ideas and get online to read their report cards. They can play games with the tap of a finger on an iPad or the click of a mouse if their family is still so old school as to own a computer that sits at a table. If they really, really need a toy or a book their parents can go to Amazon.com find it and instant click. It will be at the front door - no shipping fees applied - within a day. Unlike babies of bygone eras, they were handed an iPhone to play with while mommy had coffee with friends. Forget those car keys! These kids have grown up technologically far more intuitive than their families (or even older siblings) and have no logical reason to wait for anything.

Yet that is exactly what we must do - teach these incredible kids to do a thing so culturally foreign to them. They must learn to wait.

Waiting will teach patience and respect for others. Waiting will teach unselfishness and self-control. Waiting will teach objectivity, anticipation, preparation and sacrifice. Waiting will teach children about creation and beauty.

You can't plant a seed and get a sunflower right away - you have to watch it grow. While it is growing you can care for it and watch what God created. You can't have a birthday every day, but you can plan a party the month before and have fun counting down and learn what it means to look forward to something out of our control but certainly on the calendar. Where we live many young girls grow their hair out for Locks of Love, then donate their year of work. They had to watch and wait for their hair to be long enough before this non-profit could accept their hair for cancer patients.

Today's parents have a lot of contributing forces that are definitely convenient for family life and are indeed blessings, but if we aren't careful we may turn out a generation of impatient or impersonal people who can't relate face-to-face, manage their finances or everyday lives. I think we have to share our appreciation for what we can "instantly" do or get (like Googling the answer everyone is arguing about as to the average age of a Pony Express rider), yet tempering that by making sure our brainiac can also treat others kindly and with love and have a solid sense of self-control by waiting their turn or saving for that toy.

What if we taught our kids that waiting was fun, not something to be overcome?

I gotta go now, my microwave popcorn is done...

Negative Parenting is Alive and Well

Unfortunately.

This is something that I thought would emerge from those who parented in the 1930s.

Today we have so many more influences, so many more resources to give us input and so many real life examples that show us blaming and shaming does not work. Not only does it not work, it causes so much damage kids end up in counseling... as messed up adults.

So I am asking - were you negatively parented? Are you passing this on to your family? Are you treating other adults in your circle of influence the same fault-finding way you were possibly treated? Check yourself. I hope you are not surprised.

I watch the reruns of the show KING OF QUEENS just because it is on while I am prepping dinner. I really only like the father character played by Jerry Stiller (Ben's papa). The married couple that this show is based on is so negative I wince, although actors Kevin James and Leah Remini nail their parts and I appreciate their acting. It's just that they do their negativity so well, I can't relax while watching this comedy.

As an easily distracted follower of a butterfly, I cannot believe it would be fun to be a negative person. Yet I run into these adult types more frequently than I would like. These people seem to embrace their demeanor and are unaware of the wide wake they leave behind. They are parents and employers and volunteers and just plain people walking the earth.

I just can't believe that any young parent would have a goal to produce a negative person that would in turn harm others. But by not taking action, or by not taking the time to explain -- that is what will happen. Worse yet, by teaching a child that their feelings rule the universe, they empower and inadvertently train a child in the same way.

Then of course we find the adult children of these meanies who pass on the same negativity just because they think they are removed from their parental shackles. Only to find out that they have become the parent they so despised.

How much better to live for truth all along! To teach forgiveness and encourage a hope for a better future.

I for one do not need to experience one more person who has not dealt with their past and is passing it on to other unfortunates that cross their paths.

We've all had bad days. Let's be sure it stays with us and some careful sharing of trusted friends. I don't want to mess up anyone else's life with my stuff, and that includes my kids first and foremost.

Titantic Truth

While watching the National Geographic Channel special last night, we learned new details about the sinking of the Titanic. Eye witnesses repeatedly told others for years (including congressional testimony) that the ship split in two. Eye witnesses. The Titanic Historical Society continually denied these accounts because of their theory that such a creation could not break in two. It was not until the actual wreckage was found in 1985 that the survivors' factual stories were finally proved true: there she lay at the bottom of the ocean, broken in two large chunks.

I think at the core of every human being is the need to be believed. Don't we want our words to be weighed and valued if not considered trustworthy? I know I sure do. I am a stickler about honesty and believe that our children should count on us that our "yes" is "yes" and our "no" is "no". If they grow up seeing us vacillate, change our minds or fret aloud about making decisions, how will they learn to confidently make their own decisions?

When our son was a Kindergartener, he used to try to get me to change my mind after I had already given him my answer.

"Don't you want to count on me?" I asked. He nodded affirmatively. "Do you want to believe me when I tell you anything?" Another nod. "Do you want to believe that there will be food in the house everyday for you to eat?" Again, yes. "Do you want to believe that I will pick you up after school every afternoon?" Yes.

"Well if I keep changing my words all the time, how could you feel safe every day? You wouldn't know what was true. That's part of my job - to keep you safe and secure, and part of that is when I say yes, I mean it. When I say no, I mean that too. That way you will always know that Mommie tells you the truth. You can count on me and believe it, and nothing will change that."

It only took a couple of times to get this point across. After that, the attempts to change my mind slacked off. When he did try, I simply asked him what he had heard me say. Then he would answer me.

"Have I ever changed my mind?" I reminded him.

No.

This was all said in a loving, upbeat and conversational tone, then I dropped the subject. So did he.

Reborn Babies

A variety of media outlets are airing stories this week about the new phenomenon of frighteningly life-like baby dolls that adult women are not only purchasing, they are collecting. These dolls, called Reborn Babies are priced well beyond your basic toy doll, some upwards of $1K. Because these dolls are life-sized, you can purchase all kinds of gear to keep it real. That way, you can care for your doll as if she were a real baby. Some even have birth dates, birth weights and adoption certificates. You can even have a custom made baby if money is no object. A few minutes on Google reveals an expensive hobby with fans, deals and adoptions. If you are lucky, you can even find one on eBay and of course you can find new friends on social media to share your passion.

The interview I saw yesterday on TV showed a woman who keeps a complete nursery in her home for her dolls. Another woman was filmed wearing her baby in a front pack and thrilled when strangers complimented her. One women proudly told the camera that she had over 30 of these dolls ranging in ages up to toddler-size.

What is the reason behind this expensive new movement? The interviews culled information bits from the women like relaxation, replacement and even just having the need to hold a baby again. These people are sincerely "collecting" and caring for their reborns as if they were real. They get fulfillment from holding the dolls. It is clear that a lot of time and money goes into their babies.

Scratch my head. All I thought about after first agreeing the dolls are incredibly well done is how much disposable income ladies were spending to parent the reborns. What could be done for others with this hefty chunk of change? What real life need could be met instead? My next thought was about how much time was devoted to caring about the dolls. How many church nurseries could use loving arms of adults holding real babies during church services? How many church toddler classes would welcome the participation of teachers who care about this age group? How many people in the community need some time from someone to help them with their real-life children?

I am not condemning the dolls or the purchasers. I am just wondering what would happen if the same dollars and energies were put into real-life human beings, what would the world look like? What real things could we accomplish for those in need?