One of my favorite authors under the family therapy banner is Dr. Dan Siegel. He has pioneered the concept of "mindsight" and is both informative and funny as he shares his knowledge about how the brain works. His scientifically proven information is useful in everyday parenting and speaks to parents who need facts as well as pictures.
Did you know there is a science to the way our brains process things? Dr. Dan refers to it as the upstairs and downstairs brain. The downstairs brain is where the emotions live. That's where the "fight or flight" reactions exist. We breathe and blink from here without thinking. This part of the brain is with us from birth, but needs the developing upstairs brain to keep us balanced. The upstairs brain is where our logic lives. This includes our ability to plan, evaluate and understand. This part of the brain isn't finished developing until the mid-twenties. During the teen years it's really working overtime (as is the rest of the body).
I've always thought I was a pretty good judge of "fake fits". The kid in Target who gets this glint in their eye and then goes for it. Dr. Dan refers to this as an "upstairs" fit because the child made a conscious decision to try to get their way with you. The good news is that this is the kind of fit you can reason with. As long as you remain unemotional. (Remember neutrality is always your friend when it comes to the tone in your voice.)
But there is another kind of fit where the child is truly out of emotional control. That's the "downstairs" fit. Something has triggered your kiddo and there wasn't time for any regulation with the upstairs brain. BAM! Your kid is full-range out of control. This is not the time where any words will do. In order to let your kid know you are emotionally there for them, meet them emotionally. A hug, a pat, empathetic words. Wait it out. Don't try to introduce logic at this point because it simply will not work. In fact, it is scientifically impossible for it to work.
Living between the upstairs and downstairs brain is this thing called the amygdala. That's the button that gets pushed. Depending on maturity, mental health or history, regulation may not occur. Some of my special needs clients go from 0 to 60 with no emotional in-between. They are unable to recognize an emotion, they merely react and react wildly. We all have things that can push our buttons and start us on the path of blind emotional reaction. When we can talk to ourselves and take note that we have had a button pushed, we can reign ourselves in because we are more self-aware. We can even go ask for a hug.
Our goal as parents is to teach our children to learn to recognize their emotions and develop the ability to regulate their responses. When your child yells "I can't help it, I'm ANGRY!!!" you know they aren't there yet. We have to help our kids to realize that emotions do not rule us. We rule our emotions. That does not mean we stuff them, but it does mean we have a whole sophisticated part of our brain under development that can help us understand them appropriately.
Recognizing that there really are two different kinds of fits was encouraging to me even though that my kids are well beyond that stage now. It helps to be able to reflect on the past and address situations that arise with others now.
The Whole Brain Child by Dr. Dan is full of diagrams and explanations about how the brain works and how you can use your understanding to practically communicate with your kids. In fact, he recommends you teach your children how their brains work - even as toddlers. Worth adding to your library regardless of the age of your kids. And, a biggie in my mind - reader friendly.
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