How To "Mean Business"

Recently I was visiting a client and their big dog kept wanting to slobber on me. Now I do like dogs, but not the slobber. The owner told the hound "no" several times and the dog ignored her, sat at my feet and looked me in the eye. Frustrated, the owner said "Go to your bed" and he got half-way there before he decided he didn't want to comply. Back he trotted to the fascination of my presence. I looked him in the eye and repeated the owner's command to go to his bed. Off he went. The owner was impressed (so was I). I told her I was a dog whisperer.

It was all in the tone. The dog owner was soft-spoken and seemed to be asking the dog a question, not issuing a command. I've met parents who plead with their kids to listen to them. Their sentences end with a high note as if asking a question. "Time to put our shoes on?" "We have to go now?" It sounds as if they are asking permission to be in authority.

Don't approach your kids with the attitude of "you don't want to listen to me do you?" They will smell that aura before you even enter the room. Use a confident, firm voice and have a serious look in your eyes. Your expression should show you mean business without looking like a stern old crab. Even if you are not calm and confident, you can act like it. I found that the more I acted like it, the more confident I became.

Make statements as if they are a universal truth without variables. Invite no debate. "Feet stay on the floor." "Throwing is for outside." "Painting is at the table." "We use our inside voices." "We pick up the game before dinner." "There is one snack for each of you."

The kinds of questions to ask are the ones you offer two choices for and let the kid decide because either way, you get what you needed them to do taken care of.

Examples: "Tommy do you want to put your shoes on before or after you take your medicine?" "Do you want to buckle your seatbelt or do you want me to?" "Do you want to have a book or music for your nap?" "Do you want to eat your vegetables between your bites of chicken or all at once?"You get the idea. Once you get going, you won't be able to stop. Just don't be offering a six year old his choice of cup colors. This is mostly for the two to five set. It will also work with Special Needs kids.

Not only does "meaning business" involve confidence and tone, it involves consisentency. If you do this for two days and slip back into nagging and retorting, don't expect your child to give you leeway. They need you to be consistent with your approach as much as your rules. Their secuirty comes from the safe parameters you establish and keep. Picture coming home to your house every day with windows, doors, siding or the fence missing. You want the whole house there but you don't know what to expect because sometimes something is gone. That's what it is like for children when parents fail to behave consistently.

And when we aren't consistent, kids invent their own way to cope and it usually involves pushing limits. If you keep things as usual as possible without being a drill sergeant, you will save yourself many futile argeuments and repeated answers.

Speaking of repetition, do that when your child keeps asking you the same thing. Say they had their snack and they want another one and you don't want them to have one (although I would personally give them another apple). You say "There was one snack for each of you." Your child whines that they are still hungry. Your repeat "There was one snack for each of you." Keep saying this. You can end with "Dinner is at six." Whatever you do, do not start a lecture or get into a dialog. If you say things like "That was a large enough snack and you don't finish snacks when I give you two anyway" or "I don't want you to fill up before dinner and you didn't eat all of your lunch and you are wasting food" or anything like that, you are losing your leverage. The more I think about it, I would handle snacks differently. You can keep apples and carrots and sliced carrots in your fridge and let them have it. If they get full, look at what healthy stuff it was.

When you start to barter and over-explain, you have lost your position in their eyes. So the things you want to barter about had better be worth it. Snacks really aren't. I don't think pajamas or showers are either. Holding personal responsibility? You bet. Showing courtesy and respect? Of course. Behaing honestly and ethically all the time? Absolutely.

Remember in all your blood, sweat and tears of child-raising to remember to authentically catch them doing something right as often as you can. Praise and affirmation go a long way in building solid-citizen character and establishing you as a loving, trusting authority. It's a perfect counterpart to meaning business.

Boom! Crash! Shriek!

Ever had this happen in your parenting?

You are in the kitchen and you hear a loud crash coming from the family room. Off you hustle to conduct inspection. As you round the corner at warp speed second only to transporting yourself there a la Star Trek, you spy your kid standing near a lamp that is now laying broken on the floor. Little brother is across the room and both kids are frozen, not knowing whether to stare at you or the lamp.

What do you assume? What do you do?

If you want a kid that doesn't lie and will talk to you as they mature, you do not jump to conclusions and you do not act angry. Yes, even if that was the family heirloom lamp treasured for generations. You stand calmly and first look for blood. If the humans are fine, you calmly ask what they were trying to accomplish. Notice I didn't suggest you say "What were you doing?" Say that and I promise their answer will be "Nothing..."

Remember, your goal is to raise healthy, self-sufficient adults and your objective is to get them to talk. Your words should be non-condemning and open-ended. "Wow, I heard a noise and wanted to be sure you guys are alright. What were you trying to do?" goes a long way in creating dialog. Now, if they say they were playing catch with a brick, you can discipline them for playing outdoor games in the house, and bricks can harm so they are off limits. If they say they were trying to dust for you and knocked it, or if they even say they were wrestling and bumped the table I would not discipline them.

What? You see, that is called an accident. They were not intentionally being reckless. Maybe the wrestlers would have to pay some price to replace the lamp. For sure they can help you clean up. They can get the broom, the garbage bag and rubber gloves for you. They can go  put on socks and stand nearby and help look for glass pieces. They can put the dog in another area. After it's all picked up, they can vacuum. All the while you are calm, you are Switzerland.

Chances are they will show remorse. This is good. Let them say they are sorry, especially if they now realize they ruined a family treasure. (If that's the case, I see a new art project in your future making a mosaic.) Tell them you are sorry it happened, too. They can see you look sad, they just don't need to hear you scream and yell. Even if they were being intentional. They just have to work to repay the fair value. The important thing is that you didn't have to make a trip to the ER.

Conclude with a short plan for next time. What will they do differently? What did they learn? Where can they wrestle and throw things? Conversation over. If they are going to earn $ toward a new item, make a chart of things to do they can check off, but no more discussion until the day their debt is paid.

Do examine your circumstances. Are the kids set up for failure? If you have active kids, it is unreasonable to expect them to sit nicely and play quietly. Too cold to get them outside for more physical movement? Get out one of your Wii fitness games. Don't have any video games like that? Play gym class with them and get them exercising. If your active kids keep doing "wrong" things in your house, it's time to check how you have it set up and what you have on display. They need a zone that is okay to move in. Got a tight apartment and kids that like paint and glue and table messes? Go to Wall-Mart and purchase a yard of oilcloth for about $3. Place it felt-side down on your table and voila - your kids can create all they want and your table is safe. You should see the years of paint and marker stains on mine. I just wipe it and roll it for next time.

Rather than grip and suspect - hold your kids loosely in the palm of your hand. Find out what they were trying to do before you open your mouth and put your hands on your hips. If they grow up condemned by you, they will lie out of fear of your unreasonable wrath. They don't really want to get in trouble, but they will if you don't establish clear guidelines or are unreasonable. And they surely will need constant supervision if you train them to come to you for every little thing. All that does is prolong their ability to make sound decisions. Isn't that one of the core values parents want to instill?

Here's to calmer crashes in your house.