Is It Because They Can't or Because They Won't?

In my work with families as well as in my studies, I have become more and more aware of how important it is to have an early diagnosis in cases of children with special needs.  The earlier the diagnosis, the less stress for the parents. Not that special needs children don't have their own set of stresses, of course they do. But studies show that the younger the child is when diagnosed, the lower the stress level on the parents over time. I'll add my own input here: and the sooner your child can begin receiving the proper developmental care.

Getting diagnosed early is also a problem. I knew from the womb our son was driven by a motor. From birth he didn't sleep - he merely recharged. By age three I read up on ADHD and his behaviors met all criteria. But the doctors would not even assess him until he was six. Yes we had nearly six very judgmental, stressful years. Two months before his sixth birthday, I begged the doctor to do the assessment. He complied and his ADHD was now confirmed by proper channels which meant we now had ammo to use with school to get support vs. judgement.

We didn't get that much support, but at least they had some reason behind the animal noises and sudden pouncing. Medication helped him to "focus". We never told him he had ADHD because we didn't want him to feel labeled. We just told him the focus pills would help him be the boss of his brain and he could choose to focus on the tip of his finger or what the teacher was saying. After a few years (and falling asleep on the bus) he told us he didn't like the way he felt with his medicine and we stopped giving it to him. We coached him to remember he had the choice of what to focus on and he worked hard to focus on appropriate things. By middle school the animal noises were gone. People that met him then refused to believe our stories about the three-year-old running laps around the dinner table. We were some of the lucky ones. We got an accurate diagnosis and were able to work with it. We knew early on, but it wasn't confirmed until kindergarten. And through prayer and self-control, our son is now a strong, responsible adult. No one believes he ever had ADHD. That's fine with me - he is now an adult living out the life we dreamed for him to have.

I know families who get early diagnosis only to find out by middle school it wasn't the correct one. Or it wasn't as detailed as it needed to be. One child was thought to have ADHD doesn't. He was thought to be rebellious by refusing to do his work at school or at home. He insisted he understood but refused to do it or give a reason why no matter how many different ways he was asked by his teachers, parents, or therapists. The parents finally commenced a battery of testing that revealed completely different issues with brain ability and processing skills. Everything that has been done for him to date has been the wrong approach. Based upon this new information, a number of new teaching approaches and therapies will need to be put in place. My heart breaks for a child so misunderstood for so long. It isn't that he doesn't want to - he can't.

Sometimes it's easy to know a child has special needs based upon appearance or equipment they use, but more often the special need is invisible. And not every boy rolling on the floor under the table in Sunday School has ADHD. Sometimes, it's just a disobedient kid. Before you decide it's someone with poor parents, before you decide it's a defiant kid - stop. Spend some time understanding what is going on first.

Since the younger the child, the harder it can be to fully diagnose, I would get several opinions - especially if you do not see any progress after six months. It's going to be hard to figure out what to call a child on if they have a strong will and a learning disability. It will be essential you find out what they are capable of so you can reinforce that. And I wouldn't let your special needs child use that as an excuse.

To cheer you up, take a look at some short lists of celebrities who have become successful contributors in various fields - if not the world. Don't stay discouraged! There is hope for anyone who wants to try.

Famous people with autism: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Daryl Hannah, Andy Warhol, Lewis Carroll, Dan Ackroyd

Famous people with OCD: Justin Timberlake, Leonardo DiCaprio, Jessica Alba, Katy Perry, Howie Mandel, Cameron Diaz, David Beckham, Charlize Theron, Albert Einstein, Penelope Cruz, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Alec Baldwin, Michael Jackson, Rose McGowan, Harrison Ford, Donald Trump, Martin Scorsese, Howard Stern, Woody Allen,

Famous people with ADHD: Justin Timberlake, Will Smith, Michael Phelps, Jamie Oliver, Jim Carrey, Sir Richard Branson, Howie Mandel,  Bill Gates, Eva Longoria, Joan Rivers,  Steven Tyler (Aerosmith), Elvis Presley, Michael Jordan, Stevie Wonder, Jack Nicholson,

Famous people with dyslexia: Jay Leno, Whoopi Goldberg, Henry Winkler, Steven Spielberg, Selma Hayek, Mohammad Ali, Magic Johnson, Keira Knightly,  Keanu Reeves, Charles Schwab (investor),  Vince Vaughn, Tim Tebow, Anderson Cooper, Cher, Tommy Hilfiger,  Daymond John, Barbara Corcoran, Ingvar Kamprad (IKEA founder), Paul Orfalea (Kinkos founder), Brian Grazer (director), Salma Hayek, Tom Cruise, Steve Jobs, Alyssa Milano, Anthony Hopkins, John Lennon,  Leonardo Da Vinci,  Ozzy Osborne, Danny Glover, Galileo Galilei (mathematician, scientist,physicist, astronomer),  Patrick Dempsey, Pres. Woodrow Wilson,  Pablo Picasso, Harry Belafonte, Octavia Spencer, General George Patton, Jules Verne, Alexander Graham Bell, Astronaut Peter Conrad, Neil Smith (footballer), Mark Schlereth (footballer), Frank Gore (footballer), Jeremy Bondsman (baseball),

Famous people with dyspraxia: Daniel Radcliffe, Albert Einstein, Richard Branson

Famous people with dysgraphia: Agatha Christie, Albert Einstein, George Patton, Henry Winkler, Thomas Edison

#Overcomers

What Kind of Fit is Your Kid Having?

One of my favorite authors under the family therapy banner is Dr. Dan Siegel. He has pioneered the concept of "mindsight" and is both informative and funny as he shares his knowledge about how the brain works. His scientifically proven information is useful in everyday parenting and speaks to parents who need facts as well as pictures.

Did you know there is a science to the way our brains process things? Dr. Dan refers to it as the upstairs and downstairs brain. The downstairs brain is where the emotions live. That's where the "fight or flight" reactions exist. We breathe and blink from here without thinking. This part of the brain is with us from birth, but needs the developing upstairs brain to keep us balanced. The upstairs brain is where our logic lives. This includes our ability to plan, evaluate and understand. This part of the brain isn't finished developing until the mid-twenties. During the teen years it's really working overtime (as is the rest of the body).

I've always thought I was a pretty good judge of "fake fits". The kid in Target who gets this glint in their eye and then goes for it. Dr. Dan refers to this as an "upstairs" fit because the child made a conscious decision to try to get their way with you. The good news is that this is the kind of fit you can reason with. As long as you remain unemotional. (Remember neutrality is always your friend when it comes to the tone in your voice.)

But there is another kind of fit where the child is truly out of emotional control. That's the "downstairs" fit. Something has triggered your kiddo and there wasn't time for any regulation with the upstairs brain. BAM! Your kid is full-range out of control. This is not the time where any words will do. In order to let your kid know you are emotionally there for them, meet them emotionally. A hug, a pat, empathetic words. Wait it out. Don't try to introduce logic at this point because it simply will not work. In fact, it is scientifically impossible for it to work.

Living between the upstairs and downstairs brain is this thing called the amygdala. That's the button that gets pushed. Depending on maturity, mental health or history, regulation may not occur. Some of my special needs clients go from 0 to 60 with no emotional in-between. They are unable to recognize an emotion, they merely react and react wildly. We all have things that can push our buttons and start us on the path of blind emotional reaction. When we can talk to ourselves and take note that we have had a button pushed, we can reign ourselves in because we are more self-aware. We can even go ask for a hug.

Our goal as parents is to teach our children to learn to recognize their emotions and develop the ability to regulate their responses. When your child yells "I can't help it, I'm ANGRY!!!" you know they aren't there yet. We have to help our kids to realize that emotions do not rule us. We rule our emotions. That does not mean we stuff them, but it does mean we have a whole sophisticated part of our brain under development that can help us understand them appropriately.

Recognizing that there really are two different kinds of fits was encouraging to me even though that my kids are well beyond that stage now. It helps to be able to reflect on the past and address situations that arise with others now.

The Whole Brain Child by Dr. Dan is full of diagrams and explanations about how the brain works and how you can use your understanding to practically communicate with your kids. In fact, he recommends you teach your children how their brains work - even as toddlers. Worth adding to your library regardless of the age of your kids. And, a biggie in my mind - reader friendly.

Coloring Your Stress Away (for your kids, too)

It started for me three years ago when I began working with special needs children. I needed things to do with them because just talking wasn't connecting. Proof that people do not hear a huge percentage of what we say and why I urge parents to resist the temptation to narrate. Kids are professionals at tuning out the "drone voice".

Back to coloring. I thought it would be a good idea to have something to color during our meetings. The grocery store coloring books are printed on such poor quality paper I went to Amazon and ordered some with beautiful scenes. I found some #Melissa&Doug blending markers and brought these items to my kid meetings. Throughout that fall, we colored our way through conversations and skills teaching. Of course I colored right along with my clients because I wanted to show them I like to participate. Not to mention that I like to color, too. By Valentine's Day, I was often coloring at home as a way to relax from a day of mental health. I needed to order more coloring books and found other markers and colored pencils, too. Then came the magic: stress reducing coloring books were popping up everywhere!

There are now dozens of different styles and objects to color. The best I've found are under the adult coloring category. Sorry cat lovers, I am just not gonna relax while coloring a kitty. Patterns are my favorite, but you can also get scenes and landscapes if you like. Over the past few years I have experimented with different markers, pens and pencils and have introduced adult coloring to every client (adult and child) as a method of reducing their stress by coloring their way into relaxation.

It really works for anyone willing to sit down and focus on their coloring. Now that adult coloring is "A Thing", rip-offs are everywhere. Beware of the paper quality and size of the books. Not only that, check out how thin or thick the lines are that you will be coloring inside - some are unrealistically thin - how could you color between them? A small coloring book will frustrate a child (or me) who needs more space. You can buy books where you can rip pages out individually. These are the ones I like the best because you aren't struggling to get the book to lie flat while you color. Be sure and get markers that don't bleed through the pages. The kits I see available everywhere have those kind of markers. It's worth it to do your homework. I've found Amazon has better options that I am happier with than any big box impulse buy.

After a year of coloring, I discovered Zentangle. This is where you use fine point markers, draw shapes and then fill in the shapes with random patterns and shading. Talk about being "A Thing"! This is a well-established, respected art form that has existed for a handful of years - I'm just a late blooming fan. There are books and books available to inspire you. This worked really well with one of my special needs kid clients who could amp up their rage within seconds. They were delighted to be calming down and creating a thing of beauty. I truly believe art reaches areas of the human psyche that words cannot. (Above is an ornament I made. Just fold, glue and hang!)

A few months ago, I heard a cable news pundit chiding universities for providing anxious students with crayons and coloring books. He harrumphed and sneered at the idea of "adults coloring" and laughed bitterly. I yelled at the TV and told him he had no idea what he is talking about and was completely out of touch regarding mental health skills.

Coloring, drawing, writing. All stress-reducers. Not only that, they serve double-duty. You learn a new skill and create something along the way.