Fancy Cloth Napkins

I've created a monster just by wanting to use cloth napkins in my home.

Way back when I first started out and only had two pair of work shoes, used toilet paper to blow my nose and drank day-old coffee, I still wanted to use cloth napkins. The tables looked so elegant in the magazines. And magazines were all I had for inspiration because HGTV hadn't been invented yet. Much to my disappointment, the cloth napkins in the tabletop department cost nearly five dollars each. And if they were going to be used for multiple meals on a daily basis, I'd need more than two. The price of my vision was slowly adding up. What if we had company?

One day I was in a kitchen store (danger, danger) and I saw a stack of cloth dish towels on sale. They even had a retro pattern that matched our dishes. I scooped up six for the price of two cloth napkins and became the savvy hostess with the large napkins that covered your lap and then some. I even went back and bought three more in a complementing pattern, cut them in half and made placemats. No one who came to dinner had ever seen such table settings. I could fold the napkins several ways or fan them out in wine glasses. And when we weren't having company, we still had enough napkins for ourselves.

As time went on and tastes changed, I would retire the more senior "napkins" to the dish towel drawer and replace them with newer color choices. I still used the dish towel idea for our napkins. After awhile, I had had three sets of six to get us through the year. My napkins took up two kitchen drawers. The dish towel drawer was across the room.

Everything changed with the birth of our son. He was all in on the concept of cloth napkins for everyone. But he could not stop to wonder which dish towel was a napkin and which one was a dish towel even though they were separately located.  For years I would walk into a room and groan that he was using a new dish towel as a napkin and remind him what the napkin color palette entailed. He also only liked to use whatever cloth item only once, so the laundry was always full of dish towels. Oh, and if it's function was a napkin it was folded one way. If it's function was a dish towel, it was folded another way. That was only obvious to me, not to the men in the house.

Now they both just grab one of the dish towels hanging by the sink and drape their laps. They leave it anywhere that works - a chair, the table, the cutting board or a counter. Since I don't really know what it was used for since it wasn't hanging up or folded, it goes in the wash. So nowadays, I look for sales on dish towels and have several dozen because of the laundry factor. When I am at someone's home, helping with the dishes, I marvel how they can get by with two dish towels. The men in my house remain as confused as ever, and I rest knowing that if I would someday get through all that laundry, I'd find, sort and appropriately fold all of my cloth inventory. Until then, I just chuckle knowing this conundrum was created solely by me and my desire to have a stylish place setting.

What Toys Do My Kids Really Need?

There's a reason why IKEA stores are so attractive. If you don't have one near you, go online. The room settings are simple, with plenty of open space. There's no clutter and there are asthetically pleasing containers and hooks to store everything for every room in your home. IKEA gets it. Too much stuff not only makes a mess, it causes silent stress. You see a pile and unconsciously think about getting around to tackling it. You see open space on your coffee table and you smile.

My point is that kids don't need as much stuff as the commercials - or they - tell you. Pick a few categories and be sure you have something in each one. Avoid the dollar stores unless you have a bin for plastic junk. They don't need every video game. Or latest video. With technology you can watch most movies or TV shows on the internet for a small subscription.

What categories do I reccommend?

- Something to encourage large motor skills

• Large Ball
• Bike, Scooteer or Roller Blades
• Jump Rope

- Something to encourage creativity

• Legos! Legos! Legos!

- Something to develop reading skills

• Library picture books (add chapter books by first grade)
• Reading Apps downloaded on your tablet
• Read daily to your child aloud (free)

- Something to encourage their art (my favorite is a tackle box containing the following):

• Crayons, colored markers, colored pencils
• Craft scissors
• Glue Stick or Glue Dots
• Scotch Tape
• Paper punches

- Something to encorage logical thinking:

• Checkers (and Chess) board game
• Knex and Imaginex building kits
• Circuit Board or robotic sets
• Puzzles
• Maze books, Word Finds, Crossword puzzles

-Something to inspire imaginative play

• Large moving or appliance box ro decorate
• Puppets (you can make them out of old tube socks)
• Varitey of costume pieces, hats, masks
• Dolls or action figures
• Toy trucks, cars or boats
• Plastic animals (we had dinosaurs)

Make sure you have something from each category - especially covering areas you are weak in. Just because I didn't know how to play ball didn't stop me from getting one for my kids. Don't skip on books even if you aren't the best reader. Put yourself away and focus on your child's need to develop into a well-rounded person.

As they continue to grow, you will notice the things they really enjoy and you can expand that category. By the same token, you may notice that item that is never played with so you don't need to add another one. I always kept coloring books and blank paper near the art box. My girl loved creating her own art. Our son was more interested in how many stickers he could fit on a page.

Christmas does not have to go on your credit card, and it doesn't need to be a sea of trendy beeping things that do all the playing for your kids. Toys are supposed to encourage imagination. That's why I love my list.

Happy Shopping!

Please Fix My Kid

That's what I hear from many parents in so many words. There is something their kid is doing (or not doing) and they need to change. The behavior is unacceptable or annoying and they just need to shape up yesterday!

One kid I met needed fixing because he won't control his anger at home. He will argue, sass, yell, kick and scream. The younger siblings like to antagonize him and mom is at her wit's end. Sure, we can all agree that there is an anger issue to deal with. We did the "counting to ten" and deep, measured breathing exercises. That works while I am there to coach him through it. But the remaining 171 hours of the week? It's up to mom to reinforce and not react. And that's not what happens. He gets angry - she retorts. He hits the window - she yells. He kicks the wall - she threatens. And so the cycle goes. That is one angry kid we need to fix, right?

Wrong. In my master's work I have begun to study family theories. One theory really bursts my finger-pointing bubble. That's the one that looks at a family as a system rather than at the individuals in the family. It looks at how the family members relate to one another and the roles they take on instead. So, rather than trying to "fix" the angry kid, we look at the family as a whole. Doing that gives more insight into how the family operates and sheds light on the anger as well.

In this case, we see that the mom and son have a relationship that consists of yelling back and forth. That is their "normal" - not that it's desirable, it's just how they have become accustomed to relate. Add in other siblings who define themselves as the ones who like to see big brother yelled at - of course they are going to contribute to that fun! Throw in different fathers and a new boyfriend and another layer is added: the children are not the focal point. Yet mom just wants her angry kid fixed so he won't yell. What will it be like at home if he does decide to curb it? Everyone will have to learn a new way of operating in the system. It's entirely possible to do that, and it's also possible for others to change instead, which would help the angry boy define himself differently. But if no one is willing to work consistently on anything, this is the way it's going to stay.

I grew up with a sibling who was identified as the Problem in our family. Boy did they ever need fixing! At least that's how my parents treated things, so I joined in. I was the sister of the Problem. Now that I see that we were also a system, I realize that we defined ourselves based upon the trouble the Problem was causing. They never did stop the trouble, so we were left with a weak family system. When my mom died, the Problem physically left (having defined themselves as the one mom rescued) and never returned. My father remarried, pretending the original family and its members never existed. He created a new family instead. Are you surprised to hear that the new family operated the same as ours had? Yup. There was a "problem" there and everyone rose to mask the issues again.

This is pretty amazing stuff to ponder. So, if you have a kid that needs fixing, try this instead. Look at who is in your family and how they each relate to one another. Sometimes you can bring about change (say in an angry kid) by having someone else change the way they are reacting. If my parents hadn't melted down each time the problem kid got into trouble, perhaps there wouldn't have been so much trouble? At the very least, they could have been a lot less anxious by not allowing that kid to determine their lives. In the case of the mom with the angry son - if she would stop participating, he would lose his audience. Right now she has decided it bothers her greatly but if she would decide to place zero value on it, he would come to realize there has been a relationship change.

Parents who dare to try something new need something besides determination. They need to be consistent. None of this will work if you ping pong and try it here and there. You have to repeat, repeat, repeat and resolve that it is for the good of the family. It's also kind. Rather than teaching a kid that THEY are THE ONE who.... (fill in the blank), we teach the family that we are indeed a system and that each one of us is very important.

If you have learned to live in a pointing, blaming family this will be a huge refocus for you - but so worth it! And, just like I did, you can do this retroactively and put old issues to rest. I hope you have some helpful a-ha moments.

"Can't I Do That Without Church?"

I nearly drove into the ditch while listening to radio shrink Dr. Laura and her caller discussing a child's character. It seems that the young mother wanted to keep her parents and her husband's parents away from their children because they pray and share Bible verses. This woman was deeply offended and believed that all religions are shaming and condemning.

Dr. Laura told her it was her obligation as a parent to instill a sense of purpose and teach her children there was a higher power and a moral authority. Her children needed a moral compass with intentional direction and the best way to approach this would be through a non-denominational church. She coached the caller to start checking out these more contemporary churches and plug in. The caller agreed that her children did indeed need to have a moral compass and wondered if she couldn't find that without church?

I chuckled. The woman wanted the outcome of intentionally raising children with a faith base without  making any of the effort that requires.

I want a child with perfect manners, but I'm not gonna teach them what that looks like or why we use them.

I want a child with a great imagination and vocabulary, but I'm never going to let them read one book or see any movies or plays. Forget the computer, too.

The caller was living the life of many who were raised with the kind of God that only finds faults and follows rules at the expense of crushing a soul. She was suspicious and highly offended to the point where she was looking for things to point at and say "aha!!" Yet deep in heart she knew that her children needed to have a sense of purpose, and that purpose ultimately comes from God. She was just so wounded and poorly taught, her personal view had become skewed.

The danger in dragging our children behind our limited perspectives impacts generations. Just look at this caller. Who knows but that a few generations ago, one of her forefathers was earnestly attempting to raise a god-fearing-loving family? Then someone in the mix got their wires crossed or couldn't quite process adequately and boom! There goes one off the grid and negatively impacting their own family. And so on, and so on.

Here's what I would like that confused caller to know:

Dear Caller,
No, you can't raise a moral generation apart from knowing who the Creator and God of Love and Mercy is. Dr. Laura has said she herself does not involve herself in any religion, however 
she continuously points her callers to God. She's right. You do have to get out there and visit some of your local neighborhood churches. Many are smaller, meeting in schools or community centers. Their music praises God, but with contemporary bands. If you don't like that idea, there are always the brick and mortar models. Go to each church at least three times before you decide yay or nay. They might be having an off day. Or if your experience was awesome, make sure that too wasn't an anomaly. Be sure to check out what is happening for the kids. If it is just babysitting, leave. You need a church investing in children and who will walk alongside you with materials, links and workshops. Another excellent thing for you to do is to find a nice Bible Study Group for ladies. They come in many forms and are lead by loving mentors who know God's Word and love to help. There you can see what the Bible is really all about, and how to study it. And by digging in you will discover that the God of shame isn't found between those covers. His Word is a story of his love, and his desire to have a relationship with us earthlings, and what he did through Jesus Christ in order to make sure it became everlasting. And be mindful that churches are merely full of other imperfect people. Some do a better job than others at representing God. Your job is to find the one that fits your family and seems to do it less awkwardly than the others. Start your research with a simple prayer asking for direction and start talking to neighbors, baristas and friends. You seek, you will find.

What To Teach Your Kids About Church Ediquette

I'm fresh from a frustrating experience at church this morning. We arrived late and looked for some open seats near the back along an aisle. (I always have to sit on the aisle.) The second row from the rear had a bunch of open sits just the way we like them, so we sat down in front of a full row of people. It wasn't until the second paragraph of the sermon that I realized we had landed in front of a number of young children. How did I figure this out? The toddler babbling and preschooler chatting. The mother saying "shhhh" every 45 seconds. The toddler crying. A preschooler asking. The toddler whining and some other adult joining in the "shhh" campaign.

The first time I thought about moving was 10 minutes in to the service, but kept erroneously thinking that any second, the parents would remove the noise gang. No such luck. After 15 minutes of distracted listening - certain there must be about 5 little ones behind us and missing every few words of the message - I whispered to my husband that I couldn't hear. He nodded. The parents continued to make no effort to redirect, correct or remove their children. Since they were using their normal speaking/cooing voices, I wondered not only how many others in our zip code could hear - but did the pastor? From experience, I know that certain types of audience noise can be distracting.

Fed up after 20 minutes, I reached for my purse and stood up - planning to move to the lobby and hear the rest of the message on the loudspeaker. Fortunately, there were two random chairs sitting against the back wall so that's where we went. Just 2 minutes after that, the father took his crying toddler out of the service leaving mom with three other kids who appeared to be ages four and under and no one sitting on the other side of them. Those three continued to walk, crouch, climb and play with toys and mom sat with her arm along the back of the chairs repeating her "shhh" mantra. I doubt she had heard more than a few words of the message. Dad never returned.

This scenario got me thinking. When I first realized the kids were being discourteous, I thought perhaps it could be a family that did not understand about church ediquette and didn't want to offend them by moving. After we finally moved, I noticed that the children had brought a number of items to busy themselves, so the parents had thought ahead. That means that they had been in church before today. If they weren't novices, then perhaps they are the parents who do not trust others with their children? Even if they are overly cautious or fear meltdowns if they put their kids in the children's program rooms, they were certainly blatantly unashamed about the behavior everyone else was forced to experience.

And that is my point. If you fear your child's reaction if you attempt to securely sign them into a Sunday School class staffed by screened, trained adults with age-appropriate materials it isn't appropriate to force your issues on the other people around you. Regardless of who sat down first. It is important in the North American culture to note that if there is something going on that others are also watching/listening to, that you respect the others and cease any distractions. If you have to leave the area, so be it. If you insist your kids can't be out of your sight, then take them to the lobby. But please don't spoil the experience for other people.

It is actually a disservice to your children when you don't explain church protocol. It was clear to me that today's parents had not bothered to educate their little ones. They had no idea what "shhhh" really meant because there was no follow up. There probably wasn't an explanation, either. Mom just makes that sound a lot.

With the cultural rush to affirm everyone for everything it has become harder to see people respect others in a church setting. Here are just a few key points to make it easier:

1. Tell your kids what church is for (we are going to worship God with other people).
2. Tell your kids what to expect (there will be a special class for kids your age, you will have fun things to do and will be safe, you will be in Big Church and come get them after class.)
3. Not going to class? Tell your kids what to expect in Big Church. (There will be people on stage singing, then a pastor talking. Everyone sitting in chairs is singing, then sitting quietly and listening. There is no talking or moving around.)
4. Make your children aware that there are other people there. (We don't interrupt the teacher or the pastor and we don't do things that will make it difficult for others to participate.)

A lot of this is simply good manners and common sense. I used to have a rule when I ran children's ministries. No child was to be left in distress after 10 minutes. If a little one could not be calmed within that period of time, the parents were to be summoned.  Church should not be a distressing experience for anyone. The same should be true when you are in church with your kids. If they haven't stopped making noise after 10 minutes, it is time for you to act and remove them from the scene. This is one of the reasons many churches have Cry Rooms and/or broadcast the service to other rooms. Remember, if you are spending more time trying to quiet your kids you aren't hearing the service any more than anyone sitting around you.

Here's to remembering there are other people in the world and teaching our kids to respect God along with others.

Ten Big Things I Want My Kids to Learn By Age 10

1. How to Wait
Wait their turn. Wait for an activity to occur. Wait for their birthday. Not everything is for them, and not everything is instant. Waiting with a calm attitude is a good step in maturity. Some day, they will be driving and get a red light. We don't need any more road rage episodes. Ever.

2. How to Begin to Process Life OBJECTIVELY
This means to see things from an open perspective - an overview of the situation. Imagine climbing up a step ladder to observe the lay of the land. It is the opposite of using binoculars and having a limited focus. Too few people actually do this - usually we see people operating out of their specific interests or needs. Just because one is gluten-free doesn't mean they can't sit down with someone who isn't. Everything isn't supposed to be just about us.

3. How to Observe - Be Safe
When out in public, we need to be aware of what is happening around us without looking like we are looking around. The unsavory types are watching for people who appear lost, uncertain or distracted. Teach your kids how to walk with purpose, where to put their wallets and how to hold a backpack. We had a family code word I used when I thought we needed to become more alert and pick up the pace. Please teach this calmly and use an upbeat tone. This is "just in case".

4. How to Use Their Manners
Manners? That's a foreign concept in North America now. Just because it's a rarity doesn't mean our kids should skip them. Teach them how to say "Please" and "Thank You" (especially in their jobs as cashiers!!), make eye contact, smile and greet others. Teach them how to walk down the side of a grocery store aisle - not the middle. Introduce them to the phrase "Excuse Me" and to use a quiet speaking voice when in a restaurant. Oh, and please find a table manners tutorial on YouTube. Elbows on the table and fingers doubling as food-shovels are absolute no-no's.

5. How to Own Their Stuff
There is a proper way to care for our belongings and it doesn't include parents. If your child's possessions mean more to you than to them, you will know they don't have the appreciation, much less the comprehension of what it means to own something. Resist the urge to replace an item your child might have been careless with that got ruined. If those beads really mean that much, they should not remain on the dining room table waiting for a magic fairy to pick them up.

6. How to Admit When They Are Wrong
When they make a mistake or do something wrong, our kids need to realize they did and admit it. Then they need to apologize and/or make amends. Don't let them get away with insisting they did not hit their baby brother when you actually saw them in action. A kid that gets away with that won't be a very mature spouse or employee. There's nothing wrong with being wrong - unless you can't admit it.

7. How to Follow God
Hopefully you are praying for them from the womb. If not, it's never too late for either one of you. Attend a church that puts families as the highest priority and has strong kids and youth programs. Regularly pray as a family and live the same on Monday-Saturday as you do on Sunday. They are watching and listening - and not just when you're ready to give a great speech.

8. How to Write a Paragraph Correctly
Thanks to our 140-character social media world, writing complete thoughts with accurate spelling is not a necessity. Penmanship has been replaced by Times New Roman font. Our kids need to know how to organize ideas and create supporting sentences that don't all begin with "The".

9. How to Shop For and Cook Healthy Meals
Use your trips to the grocery store as a means to teach math and logic in addition to healthy food selection. Involve them as you make your list and check for ingredients at home before you go. Have them help you find the best deals and the cereal with the least amount of sugar. Teach them how the store is laid out - explain that most of the healthy items are around the perimeter. Explain why the toys and candy are next to the cashier for a reason: impulse buys for whiny kids.

10. How to Clean
By age 10, your child know how to sort, wash and fold their own laundry including bedding. When you pleasantly explain to your son that if he washes his own sheets he won't have to feel awkward about any nocturnal emissions he will buy in right away. Kids should also know how to fill, empty and run a dishwasher as well as hand wash pots and pans. Counters, floors and mirrors should also be covered and by this age most kids should be fairly competent. Explain why we clean as you teach the how.

Allowance Is A Parent's Best Friend

An allowance is an all-purpose teacher. It teaches the parent to be consistent and communicate clearly. It teaches your kid responsibility, patience, anticipation and stewardship. This is the one major category that is a must-have in your parenting Arsenal.

You say you can't afford it due to family finances? Even if you are on welfare, they are seeing you buy food and gas. They are aware that there is some form of money out there. It's a must that they see you budgeting and spending wisely. A few years ago, our finances were such that we could not afford to give out weekly cash - so we created a bank book. Each week we made a deposit entry and kept a running balance. About once a month we were able to provide the real cash for withdrawals. So you see, there is always a way if you get creative. You can even pay your kids with poker chips or pennies.

Now that we agree that every kid needs an allowance, let's tackle the topic. An allowance is an amount of money your child receives each week. Pick a day and stick to it. They get this money to manage with some coaching from you. They do not earn this money, but for this basic amount there are basic family expectations that come with being part of the team. This includes making beds, cleaning up possessions, feeding the pet, emptying the dishwasher, etc. The basic amount can be adjusted for age, but the point is the same for everyone: we all have a part in this household.

Here's the beauty of the basic allowance: if a child does not do the bare necessities, you pay another child (or yourself) to do the task and deduct it from their allowance. Heh heh heh. Our girl didn't want to clean up the dog poop, so my hubby charged her $10 every time he did it.

So you don't pay your kids to make their beds, that's an expectation. But you can provide opportunities to earn extra cash by setting a price on more involved chores. Like $1 per bathroom mirror or counter. $3 for the kitchen floor. $6 to vacuum the main floor. You get it. The caveat is that it has to be a professional job or you will deduct for re-do's.

We have established an easy philosophy about the what and why behind an allowance. Now let's add the how. How does an allowance teach stewardship? You show your kids that 10% goes to savings, 10% to giving and the rest they can spend. Your percentages may look different, but you want three categories. Set up different containers or envelopes to help them visualize the differences. And be sure they take their giving monies to church each time you go. They learn responsibility if they have to pay for something they lost or broke. (And if you implement the Take Away Box I've talked about before and have to "buy back" items they have left out.) They learn to wait when they are saving up for something important. Anticipation comes each week - especially if they are out of spending money - and our kids have learned the importance of looking forward to something. They will appreciate the things they look forward to and have earned much more that if you buy it and hand it over to them.

An allowance is also your friend when you are shopping. "Mom can I have this toy?" You smile and chirp "Sure, just use your allowance." If they whine that they don't have enough, you smile again and using your most upbeat tone say "Oh? Well next week you will." Then they learn the big lesson of delayed gratification. Do they go home empty handed today and wait a whole week? Or do they give up the idea of that thing and blow the cash now on something cheaper? Whatever they do, resist the urge to warn them. Let them learn by the experience next week if they wasted it all on some candy this time. And whatever you do, DO NOT nag them next week by saying "if you had only held on to your cash from last week..."

Ug. No. Don't do that. Just smile and say "Well, there's next week." Repeat as often as they play this scene out. The younger your child, the more likely this will be the norm for while. Remember. They live in the moment. It's theirs to handle. By the time they are interested in more expensive activities, they will be more inclined to save up. Your kids won't budget the same way so please don't compare one to the other.

Are there times of mercy? You bet. If they have saved and saved and are a few dollars short, you can open your wallet and say something like "I know how hard you have worked to save for this. I would like to pay the tax." If they are grateful you can offer that again sometime. If they aren't, that's it.

In order for your allowance system to work, you absolutely have to be consistent every week. Don't let them be the only ones to remember. Call them to the table and make it a big deal. Pay for the extra jobs upon completion, but the allowance comes just once a week. Resist the urge to pay for "being a good boy at Grandma's", grades or anything that you (the adult) don't get paid for. If you have family meetings this would also be a good time to distribute allowances. Each week, remind them of the three categories and encourage dialog. If you start this with your kindergartener, you will have some responsible high school students who don't think the world owes them a living and will not act entitled.

Raising a child that contributes to the world for the good of others starts with you and the wonderful version of the allowance you introduce to your family. Teach them as young ones that every penny counts.

You Can't Give Kids Aspirin in School

But a San Francisco school can give them a condom without your knowledge. We are talking about 12 year-olds. Your 12 year-old can't get an aspirin without a doctor's note, but they can march into the nurse's office and get a condom.

All in the name of privacy. Privacy for a kid who burps the alphabet, technically can't watch PG-13 movies and is still a concrete thinker. That's the worst part - not only are their bodies still in development - so are their brains! Studies show us that we are all developing until our mid-20s, but the teen years bring about the most changes most of the time.

A concrete thinker is unable to think in broad, abstract terms. Sure they may get a joke or talk slang, but it doesn't mean they are able to comprehend concepts - much less think very far ahead. How many teens do you know who need to be reminded to call when they arrive at a friend's house? Finish their laundry?  Shut the door? They can answer any question you might have about your smart phone, but they have not matured to the point where they should be entangling their bodies and treating their purity as a mere function.

Some early teens may look a bit older. Just remember that is only because they follow celebrities you never heard of on Twitter and Instagram. Their appearance may emulate someone older, but that doesn't mean they understand thing one about maturity. Test this by asking any 15 year-old if they should be allowed to drive. Not only will 99 % say yes, they will ask for a car. Never mind about the purchase price or buying gas. Or the fact that you can't afford to fix yours. See?

By encouraging our kids to participate in events and actions reserved for adults, we are robbing them of the steps they need to take in their maturation process. I know someone who started doing drugs at age 13. He is 55 now. At least in terms of time on Earth. Mentally, he is still a teen boy still looking for the cool party this weekend.

Contraception is pushed on kids so they don't get pregnant. No one talks very seriously about all of the sexually transmitted diseases there are - much less the ones no condom will protect you from. Abortion is advertised as a "family planning"  choice option.

Here is what no on one ever talks about. The haunting of memories from exposure to too much too soon. Much like those who do drugs, there are flashback memories of our sexual activity. We really don't get away from something by the passage of time. It happened. It's there. Locked forever in the recesses of our minds.

I like to ask teen clients what they would like to look back on in the future. Are they doing things now they want to remember? Do they want to be proud of how they have lived each step along the way? How many regrets are okay? Of all the thousands of adults I have encountered, not one has ever told me they were proud of their early sexual activity. Not one. Yet our culture normalizes it.

Providing children with condoms is like arming them to participate in war. No one wants guns with kids. Why don't we stand up and help protect our children from undue influences on their precious purity? The amount of development in those first 18 years is tremendous. It sets the stage for the rest of their lives. And as I like to tell kids who are trying to grow up too fast - you're old for a very long time. So take the time to truly be a kid.

Now I need to add a PS to that. Take the time to be a kid in spite of the culture. Parents: you can guide your precious babies through this! Start early and foster a safe home. Pray hard, then pray harder.

Please Don't Tell Your Kids Uncle Elroy is Watching From Heaven

And he didn't turn into an angel, either.

I can't count the number of people I have met that have taught their children that a dead relative is "watching them from Heaven". Kids not even born when the relative died grow up worshipping the mystery that was the one their parent still misses. Sometimes there is a big picture posted, sometimes there is a shrine of stuff the kid can ogle.

Parents tutoring their kid about the "eyes in the sky" also school their kids on birthdays and anniversaries - including the death - of their love lost. Visits to the cemetary even with a toddler are not uncommon.

It's one thing to teach our children how special someone was in our lives. That's carrying on a legacy. I've done that with my children. It's quite another to raise the value of the dearly departed to a saint.

I appreciate a good children's story like anyone else, but it is important not to fictionalize reality. Just like using proper terms for body parts and functions, I believe we should not complicate truth about life and death.

If you are a Christ-follower, the good news is that you will see your loved one again one day when you go to Heaven. But nowhere in the Bible does it say that anyone in Heaven can peek down on us. The Bible does teach us that God knows all things and that Jesus is at his right hand. It also teaches us that the Holy Spirit is interpreting our prayers. From that we can conclude that Jesus has our backs when we navigate life on Earth. Therefore, He knows how much we miss our loved one. He is the source of our comfort in our earthly loss - not the relative in Heaven.

Please don't let your children think that God took away your loved one. He did not. Their time on earth ended, and sometimes we don't know why or can't comprehend it. That is not something to burden your child with. Children need to know that God is God, no matter what happens and that he loves all of us. He does not cause us harm, only hope.

One of my friends lost her father as small child. Instead of telling her he died, she was told he "was asleep". For years afterwards, guess who was afraid of bedtime?

It is one thing to lovingly remember your loved one and quite another to insert their memory into everyday life. Everyone has a different way of handling their grief. If you remember that it is your loss - not theirs - you can be comforted. They are now healed and established in Heaven. They now know more than earthly ol' you.

When my daughter lost her father, we read through a great book called Someone I Love Died. 
It gave her a chance to sweetly reflect on him and who he was to her. We had the poster up for a few months until I could see she was moving on. I affirmed her memories and occaisionally reminisced about something fun. She knew he was in Heaven, living with Jesus. As time marched on, I would tell her that her father would have been proud for (fill in the blank). I viewed my job as giving her the tools to process on her own.

If you have treasured memories of grandma, please do share them with your children. Just don't take a two-year-old to her gravesite and sit and cry. They just see you sitting on the ground, they don't understand and never knew them. That is not a healthy way to get to know her.

Your kids are going to follow your lead. So if you find yourself making your loved one a daily conversation after a few months, it may be time to seek some grief counseling. Your job is to live as fully as possible while on earth, contribution in healthy ways to the good of your family and world. If you are so caught up with the one long gone, you aren't living to up to capacity and worse- you could be damaging your children in the process.

My Favorite Parenting Word

Oh how I love this word!

It is simple, empathetic and discussion-ending.

It is powerful and does not presume to solve the situation.

It is empowering and applicable to many situations we find ourselves in as we struggle to raise a generation that becomes personally responsible.

I learned this when my first born was eight and still believe this was one of the best parenting words ever created.

You can use it with toddlers. You can use it with teens. You can use it with kids in-between. (Oh hey do I ever feel like Doctorette Suess with that one!)

Both parents can use this word. (Even better.) And most importantly, the tone that you use is what makes it so effective. You have to, absolutely have to sound as chipper and upbeat as possible. Make eye contact when you use it and give a slight nod. They'll know you care. Sometimes you might be carrying the laundry basket and you can also toss this word over your shoulder as you continue down the hall. Whatever you do, do not have your kid sit across you at the table and attempt to hold some hearing. This word is too special to waste during a lecture (which you should really avoid, anyway. They're not listening, just waiting for you to end it.)

There are many scenarios where you can use this beloved word. It is always your reply to your kid's comment. Here are sample comments we've all heard. Your answer will always be this one amazing word:

"I forgot to bring home the parent permission slip."
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"I can't find my mittens."
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"I was late so they didn't let me."
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"I was going to get to that."
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"I hate what you made for dinner."
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"I don't want to [insert complaint here]"
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"I wanted one more chance."
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"I was cold without my coat."
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"I don't know what the homework is."
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"I'm tired."
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"But I'm not ready to go."
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"I don't know where my clean underwear is."
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By now you get the idea. By using this word you aren't lecturing or advising. The reality of the situation is causing your child to see that their choices had something to do with what happened. If they choose not to wear socks, their ankles just might get cold in January. But they won't die. So don't argue. When they come home and whine, you shrug. And follow up with the magic word:

"Bummer."

I promise it works. Not only are my own kids living proof, so are the hundreds of other kids I've coached. The key is to be quiet after you say it. Resist the urge to go on and on. "Bummer" says more than any speech. Unless of course they were shoplifting. But that's for another blog.