Teaching Kids to Stand Up For Themselves

In the mental health world, that's called "self advocacy". It refers to a child's ability to articulate their needs and not wait for others to spell it out for them. It also refers to a child's ability to verbalize when they are uncomfortable or need help.

When we are teaching our toddlers to make a choice between which apple they want to eat, or which toy they want to play with, we are beginning the process of self-assertion. When we see our toddler yank a toy out of a peer's grasp, we (wince) see another form of self-assertion. When we do not give our toddler the candy they wanted at Target and they begin screaming and kicking, we see yet another form of self-assertion. Some forms of self-assertion are good, even necessary. Other forms of self-assertion are more selfish and require redirection.

Some self-assertion we delight in noticing. Our child has a favorite toy or color. Our child loves a certain song or book. You follow. Other self-assertions are unacceptable. Like being rude to others, or having fits.

Sometimes, I think parents are so focused on making sure their kids behave, I think they forget to pay attention to two other things. One: Thinking that outward "performance" indicates inward comprehension. Two: Overlooking the opportunity to teach kids an appropriate way to voice a disagreement, disappointment or discomfort.

Regarding Number One. If your child does not internalize why certain actions are positive but merely performing to please you, you need to work on their comprehension. If they merely walk through the motions in order not to get in trouble, they won't "own" it and will require supervision and unable to become an independent thinker.  If you think you need to narrate and manage every single moment, you are missing the point in parenting: raising a child to function and thrive on their own.

Number Two: Kids have to learn how to ask for what they need in a direct way. If the bus driver forgets to stop and drop them off, they need to be able to let the driver know that - without fear of repercussion or slumking down out of nervousness because other kids will see and hear. Kids need to be able to ask their non-custodial parent for a coloring book and know that is okay. Kids need to be able to move away from any uncomfortable touch - even if it is that heavilly perfumed Aunt Matilda that you adore. Please don't teach your child to care, hug or kiss on command. Trust their vibe. If they are uncomfortable, that's okay. That sonar may help them in a future dating scenario or worse - an attempted molestation. Just smile at Aunt Matilda, blow her a kiss and pat your kiddo on the shoulder, telling him to go play. Not everybody is a hugger.

The Part Two to Number Two is that kids need to know how to tell another kid to knock it off. That kid who calls them names on the bus. The older neighbor boy who hangs their bike in a tree. That snotty girl who no longer talks to them at lunch. This has to start in elementary school if you are going to have a strong child in middle and high school where bullying is on RedBull.

Practice role-playing. Be calm and matter-of-fact. If you are anxious or worried, they don't need to know about it. Encourage your child how to ask for help. How to say no. Help your child to understand that they do not have to let anyone treat them unacceptably. Teach them how to see what is okay and what is not okay. Most importantly, coach your darlings to realize that bullies do not speak or act on truth and that nothing the bully does reflects on any of their personal value. Not. One. Iota.  And when they come home and tell you how they handled something well, make the biggest deal in the world and affirm their socks off.

My goal for my kids has been to regard others with dignity while standing up for themselves respectfully - unless the situation would escalate toward harm. Then the rules don't apply - it's safety first.

Why I Hate School Buses

In all my parenting years, and years as a parent educator and consultant, I have never heard one positive thing about school bus rides. Not from any kids. Not from any parents.

I have heard tale upon tale about what a negative experience for children a ride on the school bus has become.

Let's think about it. For two large chunks of your child's time away from you each school day, they are sitting ducks in a large vehicle that doesn't use seatbelts and the only adult anywhere around is
busy driving the bus! Each standard North American school bus has a maximum capacity of 72 passengers. Where have you ever seen one adult responsible for the safety of 72 children?

In Sunday School settings, the ratio of adults to kids for a kindergarten class is 2:10. Each adult focuses on 5 kids. By the time kids are in middle elementary grades, there would be 2:16. Study after study has shown that no one adult can effectively teach/impact/relate to more than 8 kids at a time. So what in the world are we doing to our children by squishing them into bus seats like little sardines?

We are throwing them into a tin tank to fend for themselves. That one bus driver can't possibly see everything going on, and often there are no enforced standard expectatoins. Kids tell me there is a difference between the morning driver and the afternoon driver. Sometimes buses include an age range from K all the way to 12th grade. Once kids learn that the driver is not going to enforce calm, respectful behavior they hurl themselves into seeing how much they can get away with. One child recently told me another child was "giving her the finger", hitting, kicking and pulling her hair. The driver did not see it.

Another child told me that due to a bus driver's resignation, her bus combined their route with the vacant bus's and there are now three children per seat! If there are 18 row of six kids, that means 108 kids are under the care of just one adult. This child tells me she is regularly bullied every afternoon.

If your child has had a good day at school and might be eager to tell you (or show you) all about it, that warm feeling can be heavilly dampened by a bad experience on the ride home. Even if they aren't the kid getting bullied, they are aware of it. And if they have a driver that doesn't control the volume level, they hear it.

And what if they have an absurdly long bus ride? We lived on the edge of town and were the first pick up but the last drop off. That meant our second grader got off the bus at 5:00 p.m. when school let out at 3:40. In the winter, it was literally dark when he came home. Once we realized this, we tried as often as possible to be at school to drive him home instead.

Later we switched to a nearby charter school that the district provided busing for. The only problem was it took three different buses to get him there. So I became one of the moms in the parking lot picking him up. Today, the pick up line at that school winds its way beyond the parking lot and way down the street. More and more parents are limiting their child's exposure to other unsupervized kids.
In our lives, the bus became an emergency back up. Nothing beats the conversations while you are driving with your kids. It is valuable time redeemed.

In my perfect world, there would be at least two other adults on each bus sitting 36 kids apart. I would play calm, classical music and assign seats. There would be zero tolerance for the smallest twitch and serious consequences - including a behavior class - that followed.

Give your child a blessing by being the first face they see after a long day at school, you won't be sorry for that special time, ever. And if you learn that your child is one of the bullies, come down hard on them and insist they make apologies immediately. Forget being defensive, character is at stake.