Why Same Page Parenting Is So Important

If you've been reading my blog at all, you have heard me touch on the importance of parents being on the same page. Because of my continued experience with families struggling to parent their kiddos, it's time for me to bring this topic up once again.

It will not do your kid any good if parents can't or won't agree on their approach. Your kid needs one approach, not two or more. Not only do you both need to be on the same page, you need to remain consistent. It won't do to say "yes" to staying up one time and "no" another. Their minds are still developing and they need to count on you to give them the framework to feel secure. It won't do to allow candy "just this one time" when you don't want them to have it ever. They are counting on you to define their security and they need you to keep it stable for them.

If you are not in agreement about something with the other parent, have that conversation out of earshot or eyesight of your kids. In front of your kids, you are one united unit. If they come up to you and ask if they can do something, be aware they might have already asked the other parent and gotten a "no", so ask them if they asked before you reply. I can't tell you how many times my hubby came in the room, saw a kid doing something and asked me why I had let them. Each time, they had already asked him first. After much practice, I became adept at asking "what did Dad say??" and seeing a frustrated kid slink away. Still tempted to argue in front of the kids so you can be right about something? Congratulations. You will teach your kid to disrespect the other parent and that disrespect can blossom into some pretty ugly stuff the older they get. Including disrespect of another gender or even authority.

Still not convinced both parents need to be a united front? Maybe you are divorced and don't see the need? Wrong. If you are sharing custody this is certainly tough, but it's doable for the sake of the kid. Let me repeat. For. The. Sake. Of. Your. Kid. Not your ego or anger toward the ex. For. Your. Kid. I hope and pray you want a healthy, functioning adult kid one day more than you hate the ex. For their good, you both need to unify and present a solid front on the major things like driving, curfew, grades. Pick the big ones only - leave the socks, candy and menus up to each "home". Remember to think about what it would be like for you to move back and forth every other week. (Wait, maybe they should stay in the house and the parents should move back and forth?) If you have a boy, there is a huge likelihood he will be bigger than either one of you while he still lives at home. If you have not insisted on respecting parents while he is still short, good luck when he can deck you flat and outweighs you. Fathers should reinforce respect of mothers when their sons mouth off or diss her by standing firm about "his woman" being treated right. Alpha male time, dads! Moms should do the same for fathers.

Be willing to listen to the other parent's ideas. If their reasoning is only because that's the way their parents did something but you have research to show otherwise, listen up and let go. It's not about being right. It's about the good of your kid. Attend parenting workshops to get you started or read some good parenting books (Dr. Kevin Leman is an awesome author of many) and blogs.

In my years of working with families, it is usually the father's lack of interest or busyness that gets the parents off of the same page. Some times fathers assign things like talking about sexuality to mom as "women's work". Some times fathers won't pick up the book that mom has put right in front of them. Some fathers dismiss the mom's ideas as silly and insist on barking orders instead. Or, they hover and call and text multiple times a day to know every single action going on. My own father communicated only through my mother, the mouthpiece. He elected himself as royalty.  There is no excuse for a father not to participate in parenting his kids. Not one. Not even being too busy with work. None of these examples are worth following. Think carefully here. If pride is keeping one of you from putting in the effort (or fear, anxiety, your own bad childhood) it's time for therapy. You are modeling an unhealthy adult life to your kids. It's not what you say that teaches them. It's what you do. Or don't do. Every time you think of yourself, ask yourself what kind of adult life you desire for your child.

I leave you with an observation after 20 years of field experience. 99% of the time the parents don't get on the same page, trouble follows. Trouble takes the form of a withdrawn teen, withdrawn spouse, divorce, distraught children. Anxious children unable to make their own decisions, lying, poor school performance, physical ailments, drugs, alchohol, promiscuity, pregnancy, abortion, suicide or criminal activity. I have not met one parent who set out to produce a child with any of these characteristics, but these are the by-products of egos left unchecked. And even if your child is "only" anxious, why would you want "even" that to be something they have to deal with just because you don't agree?

It's a new year. What about agreeing to agree? Unite and show your kids you are there as role models desiring a special future for them. Do your very best to know them and coach them - but don't fix things for them. Show them how they can do the fixing. But please, stay on the same page.

Acting "As If" You Are a Calm Parent

For over twenty years, I have been teaching this concept to overwhelmed parents. I like to call it "Valium Girl". Whatever you call it, the principle is that you act as if you are calmer than you really are for the sake of your child's outbursts, tears or fits.

Not really. I invented Valium Girl for my own sanity. Using it for my shrieking kid was a mere by-product. Practicing it for several years before I became an expert was a collateral blessing. Teaching it to others has been extra credit. As an MFT student these days, I read lots of therapy and concept material. And you know what? My little Valium Girl theory holds up pretty well, so I am going to revisit it today.

For whatever reason you want to try to act calmer than you really are, remember that feelings follow actions. If you are feeling cray-cray, angry, despondent, overwhelmed - whatever - that does not dictate what you do or say. Your feelings come second. Actions first. I have moms who tell me "but I have to yell when I am angry!!" No, mom, you don't. All that will do is incite your kid to respond in kind and you will have a bigger mess on your hands. Your feelings matter, but they do not need to be expressed. Not right now. Instead, take a deep breath and imagine you are the calmest  person in the world. The most emotionally strong parent ever. Do. Not. React. Act as if that fit is not happening.

Remember these four powerful things: One, you are the intended audience for the fit. If you don't buy a ticket, there's no show for him. Two, your toddler lacks the self-control you are supposed to have. Three, you have the power to defuse the emotional bomb. Four, just because she wants you to react (or you want to) doesn't mean you have to comply.

It took me over two years of acting like I was emotionally calm before I really was. Inside I was trembling, ready to explode or call the police. But on the outside, I cranked up the smooth jazz music and put on a neutral facial expression the kid in the car seat could see from the rearview mirror. And one day, lo and behold, I realized I really was as calm on the inside as I was acting on the outside!

Acting calm kept me emotionally out of a mess and enabled me to be more objective about what was going on with my kid. I was able to calmly tell him we didn't kick mama's car seat as if it was a boulder of cement and successfully complete the three-hour traffic rider home. I was able to see his needs. Your're upset right now, what's that feeling? Oh. I hate traffic, too! What can we sing about instead? How many cop cars can you find? I was able to get him to articulate his feeling, label it and redirect the hair-trigger physical and verbal volume levels.

As it turns out, the ability for adults to recognize, identify and label emotions is a cornerstone of mental health. By acting calmer than I really felt, I was able to help promote that activity in a very small mind. My kid's mind, too. By practicing on my kid, I helped myself. By practicing on myself, I helped my kid.

This technique also works when they are too big for car seats. Remain calm when your teen says they have something to tell you. Affirm what they have said in order to help yourself be sure you heard them. It doesn't mean you agree, you just want to be sure you heard what they intended to say. Acting calm also gives you time to think about your response. Perhaps you will respond right then, but you might need to think on it and get back to them. By acting calm, you demonstrate you are a safe person for them to continue to come to.

Disclaimer: Acting as if you are calmer than you really are has nothing to do with denying feelings. You are not masking them, either. You are merely delaying yours. Think of yourself as a tool of peace at that moment in that situation. Two screamers will not make traffic move any faster. And one of you has to be about safety. Why not the one with the driver's license? Who says you can't tell your backseat maniac you feel angry about his volcanic eruption and need him to calm down? Just do it calmly. It will calm you down in the process.

In the process of applying this little theory in parenting, I have learned to lower my freak-out level and attach less of a value to many little things that often plague mamas. That has been a gift to my sanity. Who cares if they want to wear shorts in winter or refuse to turn in their homework? Sometimes we have to rest knowing we taught the information appropriately, but it's their turn to apply it. If we apply it for them, they rely on us. That's not healthy parenting. We're supposed to be teaching these baby birds to learn to fly on their own. Especially emotionally.