That's what I hear from many parents in so many words. There is something their kid is doing (or not doing) and they need to change. The behavior is unacceptable or annoying and they just need to shape up yesterday!
One kid I met needed fixing because he won't control his anger at home. He will argue, sass, yell, kick and scream. The younger siblings like to antagonize him and mom is at her wit's end. Sure, we can all agree that there is an anger issue to deal with. We did the "counting to ten" and deep, measured breathing exercises. That works while I am there to coach him through it. But the remaining 171 hours of the week? It's up to mom to reinforce and not react. And that's not what happens. He gets angry - she retorts. He hits the window - she yells. He kicks the wall - she threatens. And so the cycle goes. That is one angry kid we need to fix, right?
Wrong. In my master's work I have begun to study family theories. One theory really bursts my finger-pointing bubble. That's the one that looks at a family as a system rather than at the individuals in the family. It looks at how the family members relate to one another and the roles they take on instead. So, rather than trying to "fix" the angry kid, we look at the family as a whole. Doing that gives more insight into how the family operates and sheds light on the anger as well.
In this case, we see that the mom and son have a relationship that consists of yelling back and forth. That is their "normal" - not that it's desirable, it's just how they have become accustomed to relate. Add in other siblings who define themselves as the ones who like to see big brother yelled at - of course they are going to contribute to that fun! Throw in different fathers and a new boyfriend and another layer is added: the children are not the focal point. Yet mom just wants her angry kid fixed so he won't yell. What will it be like at home if he does decide to curb it? Everyone will have to learn a new way of operating in the system. It's entirely possible to do that, and it's also possible for others to change instead, which would help the angry boy define himself differently. But if no one is willing to work consistently on anything, this is the way it's going to stay.
I grew up with a sibling who was identified as the Problem in our family. Boy did they ever need fixing! At least that's how my parents treated things, so I joined in. I was the sister of the Problem. Now that I see that we were also a system, I realize that we defined ourselves based upon the trouble the Problem was causing. They never did stop the trouble, so we were left with a weak family system. When my mom died, the Problem physically left (having defined themselves as the one mom rescued) and never returned. My father remarried, pretending the original family and its members never existed. He created a new family instead. Are you surprised to hear that the new family operated the same as ours had? Yup. There was a "problem" there and everyone rose to mask the issues again.
This is pretty amazing stuff to ponder. So, if you have a kid that needs fixing, try this instead. Look at who is in your family and how they each relate to one another. Sometimes you can bring about change (say in an angry kid) by having someone else change the way they are reacting. If my parents hadn't melted down each time the problem kid got into trouble, perhaps there wouldn't have been so much trouble? At the very least, they could have been a lot less anxious by not allowing that kid to determine their lives. In the case of the mom with the angry son - if she would stop participating, he would lose his audience. Right now she has decided it bothers her greatly but if she would decide to place zero value on it, he would come to realize there has been a relationship change.
Parents who dare to try something new need something besides determination. They need to be consistent. None of this will work if you ping pong and try it here and there. You have to repeat, repeat, repeat and resolve that it is for the good of the family. It's also kind. Rather than teaching a kid that THEY are THE ONE who.... (fill in the blank), we teach the family that we are indeed a system and that each one of us is very important.
If you have learned to live in a pointing, blaming family this will be a huge refocus for you - but so worth it! And, just like I did, you can do this retroactively and put old issues to rest. I hope you have some helpful a-ha moments.
