Dear Blog Friends

Thank you so much for your readership this year! You've increased my blog volume and encouraged me so much on this parenting journey. I value every one of your clicks, and am amazed at where you are reading me from. Russia, France...Malaysia to name just a few. Wow!

As we move into a new year of parenting, I wish you all the best as you add some more milestones in your quest to launch an awesome adult into this big, crazy world.

Keep on reading - lots more to come!

Best,
Christine

The Santa "Club"

I'm not talking membership, I'm talking that thing Fred Flintstone used to swing -- only invisible. The "club" parents use to reinforce their points. The thing they hold over their kids. That club.

We take small children barely comfortable with some close friends or relatives, dress them in their cutest outfits drag them to the mall and force them on the lap of a fake fat guy they've never even met. He says words not common in their everyday vocabulary like "Ho ho". At the same time educators and community volunteers are taught never to touch children, much less allow them on their laps. Side-hugs only people. Hello background checks. Yet in the name of that picture with Santa, we abandon all security measures and force a terrified toddler to climb on this stranger's lap and pretend it's okay. Teenage girls costumed as elves stand nearby jingling bells and waving feathers in order to distract the tears and catch that great photo op between frightened sobs. You can get your precious photo in about a minute and turn it into a coffee cup or t-shirt. If you are lucky, a proud mother with matching kid outfits will be sneering nearby because her darlings aren't afraid of strangers. Ooops. I mean Santa.

The crowning glory is when mall Santa looks down at the poor kid and then asks if they have "been good". Good? You know. Perfectly compliant. Doing everything parents want without so much as a blink. We all know what will happen if a child has not been "good" all year. It's terrible. Ever met someone who actually received a lump of coal? Most kids - even underprivileged ones - receive actual presents "from Santa".

Parents can add to their threats about "telling Santa" with the Elf on the Shelf. Introduced just a few years ago, this cute doll can be dressed as a girl or boy elf. Parents hide it around the house every night and kids wake up to see what hi-jinx Elfie has been into overnight. Most important: Elf reports in to Santa about kid behavior. So now there are two ways Santa can know everything.

At the risk of sounding like a scrooge, I submit it's all in the name of bribing children to "behave" and thus earn a present. It has nothing to do with actually impacting lifelong character.

Do we really want our kids doing things just to get a goodie? They aren't dogs. Every time I hear about a school teacher, piano instructor, Sunday School class or community program that rewards kids with pieces of candy, I cringe. If we teach our kids to perform for the sake of the reward without also teaching the moral equivalent, we have failed.

Yes, failed. That means your kids will do the "right thing" only for the goodie. Woof. Once the goodies are gone or your back is turned, they will be lost. Lost.

Is that what you want - a kid who looks good on the outside in front of your audience only when rewarded? Or, one that knows the difference and makes good choices on their own even when you aren't there to toss out a Hershey's Kiss?

How about for next year, parents employ Santa or Elf for fun and actually teach what it means to really "behave" and why? Resist the urge to use anything as a good behavior club. Those are empty threats anyway. Teach kids that presents are gifts, not rewards.Teach kids that sometimes we do things without expecting anything in return. That one sure is a head turner. Doing something just to do it? And actually trying to be good at it? Woa.

If we don't stop tossing out the rewards without substance, we'll deliver another  generation of young adults missing a moral compass only thinking about what subjectively adds to their lives. For more information on this, Netflix one of the versions of Stepford Wives or any other flick where things and prestige are more valued than character. Wait. You can just go out your front door, it's America without core values now.

Lunch With a Drill Sergeant

It's just a couple days before Christmas and I stopped to pick up some stocking stuffferes and meet a friend for a mocha. Thank you, Target for having Starbucks. I am not a fan of having to share the cafe with all the pizza from the food area but this will do in a pinch.

I picked a table off to the side and manoevered my cart through empty, salty tables. Just as I sat down, five little kids clad in warm winter wear clamored their way near my table. "Let's get this one!" cried the oldest (all of maybe seven). The others followed his lead, dragging chairs and settling in behind me til the dad appeared.

Apparently they are waiting for some hot food to be prepared to complete the meal and he only brought their sodas. "Don't throw it on the floor!" Scolded dad.

Scuffling chair scraping.

"I spilled my pop. I spilled my pop. I spilled my pop." Chirped a little one while dad was giving seating directions.

"Where is our food???" "We just ordered, they're making it."

"Sit on your butt."

"Butt, butt."

"Stop it."

"Take your jacket off."

"Stop it."

"You eat your sauce."

"Don't touch."

"Chew it."

"Be nice."

When dad left them again presumabley to get the food, an arguement erupted as the same brother told to be nice began ordering a little sister to "get off my world" over and over. "No! No!"shrieked little sister as she clenched a handheld game. "Get OFF my world!"

Dad came back and began to negotiate. "Stop talking or I'll put you bed. How bout this? She's not in your world." His was not confident and by his tone you could tell he cajoled often. When the kids disagreed with his world-deal, he began, "honey, honey" trying to quell emotions.

The rest of their meal was accompanied by kid whines and more parental pleads.

Across the seating area at the counter in front of me I hear:

"I don't know, I just know I didn't do it." Giggled another child sitting next to her father.  He only had three kids with him and was laid-back and grinning. I watched him tenderly sweep hair off the face of one of his girls and tell them what they were going to go get mom after this. He followed by asking open questions that all three piped up to answer. They were conversing. Not once did he 'have' to tell his wigglers to do a thing. Yes they were spinning on the stools as they ate, but wouldn't you if you were eight? They statyed put and were fully engaged with their father.

Okay, so the gang of five had more little people but this illustrates two parenting extremes. (Right next to my quiet table.) One parent reacted and lacked authority in his kids' eyes. The other parent guided the activity and had full authority. His used his position confidently but loosely. The other one merely threw out commands hoping they'd stick. The kids at his table were not having fun, they were merely being herded. The other kids were giggling and enjoying some time with dad.

Two fathers. Two extremes. Which one's kids are going to have a fond memory about the day they went Christmas shopping with dad and stopped for lunch?

Blame it on "Affluenza"

Have you heard the horror story about the 16-year-old boy from Texas arrested for DUI? He was well over the legal limit - not to mention under age - when he plowed into a group of people going 30 mph over the limit killing 4 and injuring 7. The judge sentenced him to ten year's probation but a year prior threw the book at a younger drunk driver. The difference is that this is the last year on the bench for the judge coupled with the defense that the child suffered from "affluenza" (affluence) and did not know the consequences of his actions. That unbelieveable statement was accepted in a court of law and the excuse isn't even a real word.

This kid not only didn't "know how to process", he had access to alcholol and a vehicle. (My kids learned that driving was a privilege, not a right and turning any age number did not qualify them as a driving candidate. It's their character that counts first.) Who lets someone that unaware get behind the wheel of a car and encounter the lives of many other innocent people??

Apparently, this rich kid's parents did. The attorney they hired to get him off even invented a new word and convinced a judge that it's crippling to have money which therefore made this poor kid unable to comprehend consequences of his actions. Affluenza.

Oh really. He's unable to realize what happens next?

Did this kid understand the "consequences" of his new haircut or clothes? That eating takes away hunger pains? Or inserting his parents' ATM card churns out a bunch of green? What about slapping a mosquito as it bites your leg?

Oh he knew what "consequences" were alright - just not ones that don't spare him from reality. He was pampered and coddled and protected from just about anything a non-rich kid who is better parented experiences.

To further protect this unfazed boy, the family hired some professional to deem him mentally only the age of  twelve. Oh really? Then why oh why was he allowed behind the wheel in the first place? 

Where is the parent public comment grieving over what their son caused? Where are their condolences to the victims and families? And what about their 12/16-year-old's apology? Do they even care about the lives lost or destroyed since they prevailed in court?

Just because a court has made a ruling does not mean justice has been served and this case is the perfect illustration. It only points more sharply to parenting without conscience. Yes, the boy committed the act, but his parents gave him the support in order to behave the way he did. Oh yes they did.

They "supported" him by the actions they did or did not take. By being too busy to parent, overlooking behaviors or paying for legal eagles to create a new word to defend their guilty son is indeed supporting him. Doing something, ignoring something or doing nothing are all actions. And this "action" in whatever form it took enabled their minor child to continue to think he is exempt from routine behaviors necessary to become a functional solid citizen in the world.

As a long-time child advocate, I am disgusted that parents poorly influenced their son before, during and after this trial. Worse yet, lives were lost! That is the real headline. Families and friends have been tragically impacted. Other victims suffered life-long injuries. The circle of influence for this one act has a huge radius that extends far into the future.

Not only does the causer of this horrible accident apparently have no moral conscience (remember, he has legally been declared to lack the ability to be aware of consequences), his parents, a judge and a defense lawyer have conspired to excuse him and sweep it under the rug.

Funny thing about reality though. You can't pretend it didn't happen.

Prayers for eyes to open and hearts to acknowledge what really happened and why. Most of all, that articulate excuses are no replacement for justice.

This is a huge scale example of what happens all the time on a smaller scale when parents fight kids' battles, argue with coaches, do their homework or cajole. If parents cared enough to equip their kids in the first place and not fix their failures, we wouldn't hear about these horror stories in the first place.

A Box of Rocks

When I was in second grade, school budgets included teaching the arts. We had a music teacher who came into our class several times each week in order to teach us music fundamentals. Something North American children born in the past 30 years would know nothing about.

One week our musically trained teacher was teaching our class about rhythm. She toted in a crate of beautiful tambourines - enough for just about every one of the 28 kids in the room. She began passing out the tambourines, and each recipient marveled at the shiny metal clapper things and the taut drum-like surface. I remember eagerly waiting at my desk to receive the one for me. I must have been sitting off to the side, because shortly before she reached me, the music teacher informed the class that there weren't quite enough for everyone. Some of us would be using an alternative, but that would work just as well.

The remaining 3 second graders - me included - were given empty individual milk cartons taped shut with rocks inside. You can imagine our disappointment and no, the clunking rocks in the wax cartons sounded nothing like the glorious tinkles made by the 25 nice and new tambourines. All three of us frowned and barely jiggled our milk cartons during the lesson. Our regular teacher rose from her desk and scolded us for not being better participants. The other 25 kids snickered at us.

That was my music introduction as a young child. While it certainly wasn't fun, I went on to become an average flute and piccolo player for awhile. Don't ask me about guitar.

Fast forward to when I became a mom.

I wanted each of my kids to have a better experience early on so I signed them up for the church Christmas musical and/or the school's Christmas performance. They were taught by people enthusiastic about music and children. They learned to sing, be part of a group, rehearse and perform. They each only did it for a couple of years and by the time they were the age when I got that magical box of rocks, their interest had waned. They had fun rehearsing in the car and with the group, and those songs "got stuck" in their heads.

The other day I had the good fortune to attend a children's Christmas concert at a large church. The kids were in several choirs and interchanged on the stage for an hour. There was even a hand bell choir - I'd never heard one of those before but I know handbells are difficult to play. Video screens allowed the audience to see close-ups of bright eyes, sweet lips, chubby cheeks and noses getting picked. We saw fidgeters, big hair bows and special Christmas attire. The children were between age 4 and 10. None of them were mine or even friends' of mine. They were just sweet, innocent and trusting. It was wonderful to both watch and listen... and wonder about their futures. I teared up as I always do when I see groups of kids earnestly performing and said silent prayers for blessings for their futures.

Every young child should participate in at least one Christmas concert. Even if they are less than musically inclined, they can enjoy their contributions as well as the music. They can create memories not only for themselves, but for their friends and family members tapping away on their smart phones to capture the moments.

As I sat admiring this group of scrubbed, shiny-cheeked youngsters, I thought back on my two babies and how many times we heard each song as they practiced. I remembered my delight in purchasing a new Christmas outfit and giggling from the audience when they were off on gestures or lost attention. My girl at age 3 was reaching her little arms to the sky as an angel when she noticed the sparkly polish on her fingernails and became mesmerized. She turned to the little girl next to her and they both forgot about the performance and marveled at those fingernails. It cracked the entire audience up and made the event even more special for everyone. I will always treasure that moment in my heart. It passed all too quickly.

There were many other children in the audience enjoying the performance, including toddlers who were spellbound every time the music started up. Music reaches deep within each one of us and touches our hearts. How wonderful to have uplifting music flowing through our memories. In today's fast-paced, technologically-driven world, a bit of exposure to tradition goes a long way.

The Real Missing Piece

One of my favorite children's books is by Shel Silverstein, called The Missing Piece. It's the story of an almost-circle traveling around looking for a pie-shaped wedge that will complete him. 

There are many ways to interpret this analogy, but have you thought about it like this?

Ever heard the saying that there is a space within the soul of every child that only God can fill? While they are young, that space is open and kids are most receptive to learn about him. As they grow, the space shrinks and they lose the innocent trust that was once waiting within. Statistics tell us that the chance of a child developing a faith relationship with Christ reduces by huge percentages by the time they graduate high school. 

In fact, the magic number is closer to nine years of age. Those first nine years lay the foundation for how a child interprets faith the rest of his life. It doesn't mean they can't have a relationship, it just tells us how they will understand it. Statistician George Barna outlines the need for families and churches to value those early years with solid teaching in his book, Raising Spiritual Champions. I recommend that every parent, pastor and Sunday School teacher read this and take heed. Capitalize, if you will, on the openness of those first nine years.

The other day I was working with a six-year-old little boy and his mother. He has several behavioral learning disabilities and is smart as a whip. Because of his behavior, he spent most of kindergarten in the "lockout room" removed from the rest of his class. Now he's in first grade in a special school for "those kind of kids". I work with him on his self-control and encourage him in social skills. He is doing great. He has demonstrated a strong singing voice but when I suggested to his mom that she sign him up for a church kids choir, she shook her head and told me they don't "do church". Back to the other day. He had just completed his  "All About Me Poster" and we were all talking. As we talked, he embellished his poster.

I noticed that he was making what looked like the capital letter "T" (his penmanship is a bit rough) but actually looked more like crosses. Nonchalantly, I tapped his poster and said "what are those?" He paused and soberly looked up at me and said "Those are crosses. Don't you know? The guy who died on the cross?!" He couldn't believe I hadn't heard. Goosebumps ran up and down my arms. God was at work in this little guy's heart and he was taking in whatever he could get. This little fellow just needs his missing piece.

Casually, I told the mom about my theory of the missing piece and this time she listened. She wanted to go to a "cool church" so I told her just the one to try that is for people who "don't do church". There's even a slide in the kids area. Guess what? She was intrigued!

Every child has a place within just waiting to be filled by Christ. As parents, it is our primary responsibility to see that it is. Smart churches have the staff and programming in place not only to teach the kids, but coach the parents, too. I cannot count how many parents have told me they feel inadequate to teach their children about God. My response is always the same. "Perfect!"

Say what?! That's just where God wants each of us. Open and teachable. That's why churches exist - to equip us on our journeys - so that we in turn can impact others. Learn right along with your kids if you are new to all of this - that's what many parents I've worked with have done. A lot of them sign up to help in a Sunday School class because they are learning as they prepare as well as when they spend time with the kids. If you have never stepped inside a kids class on a Sunday, try it. You will be amazed at what they say and what they ask. At every age.

The point is to be intentional with the spiritual teaching your children are getting. They need to know what it means that God loves them and how it came to be that they can have a relationship with him because of his son Jesus Christ. It is the most important teaching they will ever get and it is on-going. The sooner they begin learning this, the stronger they will be as they navigate the challenges of growing up. A good church can help you guide your child to find her "missing piece" and help you help them grow.

To Santa or Not to Santa?

One of my favorite Christmas films of all time that never fails to put me in the "Christmas spirit" is the 1947 movie form 20th Century-Fox: Miracle on 34th Street. It's a story of a single mother jaded by miracles who has taught her little girl to be reasonable and never use her imagination. The mom is the producer of the famous Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade and ends up having to a hire a new Santa Claus at the last minute. Kris Kringle is in the right place at the right time. He brings some new thinking to their lives.

This sweet story became a surprise hit and was nominated for a Best Picture Oscar in 1948. It won three Academy Awards (two for writing and Best Supporting Actor). In 2006, it ranked #9 on the American Film Institute's list of 100 Most Inspiring Movies of All Time. It stars Maureen O'Hara, a young Natalie Wood as her daughter and Edmund Gwenn as Kris Kringle (Best Supporting Actor and he wasn't even the first choice for the part!).  The fact that it was a Christmas film was initially kept under wraps because the studio released it in the summer to capture the larger movie-going audience. The parade scenes in the movie are from the actual 1946 parade and guess who was the parade Santa that year? Yup, Edmund Gwenn. The scenes from the Macy's store are also filmed in the actual NYC flagship store. When the film was released, Macy stores actually closed for a half day so that all 12,000 employees could go see the first showing. There have been a number of remakes since 1947, but none so charming as the original.

Every year after Thanksgiving, our family sits down to enjoy the story once again. It puts perspective on Santa Claus. I'm not going to spoil it for you if you haven't seen it. Watch it and see for yourself. It can even be a spring board for talking about Santa with your children.

Which brings me to one of the controversial parenting questions I hear. Should we teach our children about Santa Claus? There are two extremes I've seen. The families that go all-out for Santa, ignoring the birth of Christ completely and teaching their kids Santa is real and ever-watching and they "had better be good or he'll find out." They show their kids the websites where you can contact Santa and call NORAD on Christmas Eve. No Nativity scenes or angels for them - but snowmen are okay. Then there's the other end of the spectrum where Santa has no part of a "real" Christmas, it's "a pagan idea" along with the Christmas tree. The holiday is solely about the birth of Christ and that's it.

I think both approaches miss something, and in our family and others that we know there is a blending as sweet as the Miracle on 34th Street movie. We decorate for Christmas with a tree containing ornaments collected each year that have unique meanings. Just setting up the tree sparks many happy memories and conversations. This tradition has become even more important the older our kids get. We hang up stockings that I made. Oh my has my handiwork and style evolved over the years! There are even stockings for our pets. Some years we have lights and boughs outside, some years we set up our Christmas village. When the kids were little, I displayed their pictures with Santa.

Yes, I said Santa. I took my kids each year - dressed in their nicest outfits - to have a picture taken with the mall Santa. It was fun to see how the kids had grown from year to year. So I took them to Santa for the picture. And I told my kids that many families tell their children that Santa brings presents while they sleep on Christmas Eve. He travels the world with his toy-packed sleigh led by flying reindeer. I presented this as an idea, not a fact. Our kids learned that long ago there was a real man who loved to give presents to children and his name was Saint Nicholas. Over the years, that name has morphed into Santa Claus and created an entire industry. We left presents out on behalf of Santa (now we fill stockings) but they always knew who was really behind it. It was just nostalgic fun. And we instructed the kids never to talk about Santa with other kids, because their families might be teaching them he is real. They kept their mouths shut and enjoyed our entire Christmas.

A great children's book you can use with your family that discusses Santa, Saint Nicholas and Jesus is Santa Are You For Real? by Harold Myra. It echoes what I am talking about.

The main focus for us was and is the celebration of Christ's birth. We focus on giving, not getting. Each child got 3 gifts just like Jesus did. We attend church and re-read Christ's birth story from the Bible. We play a variety of music - from traditional carols to worship songs. One of our favorite songs is "Mary Did You Know?" It never ceases to bring tears of awe. If you Google it, you can find links to a number of versions to listen to (Kathy Mattea does it for us).

Call us blenders. We've taken different elements and created our own traditions. Since Chrstmas is about celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ, he's our focus. Every year, it gets less about stuff and more about  celebrating as we enjoy time with those we love.

"We Have to Cut Back This Christmas"

I've heard this statement many times over the past six years - ever since the economy tanked and unemployment soared. People with fantastic resumes, solid careers and stellar experience in any number of fields found themselves victims of downsizing and competing with teens for entry level Target jobs at an 80% cut in pay just to literally keep bread on the table.

These families have been hit hard. With the job loss comes the threat of bankruptcy, foreclosure or both. We live in one of the hardest hit counties in our state and know dozens of families whose lives have taken severe turns in the past few years. They've lost homes, vehicles, businesses and retirement funds while struggling to raise their children at a time when the cost of living only continues to rise. Their children continue to need to eat, outgrow winter coats and see the dentist. They want their children to continue to participate in sports or recreation programs or music lessons. All of this costs money they no longer have so much of.

The people I know that fear the sheriff's notice on the door are hard working and continue to job hunt. They have cut back on themselves while putting any extra pennies toward those dance lessons or soccer uniforms. Target and other big box retailers no longer have to worry about finding good people to hire - the options are endless. A local bank president dignifiedly donned his red shirt and khakis when his institution folded overnight. A bank president.

So as parents, what do we do at Christmas time when the media bombards us with all the gift giving magic we're supposed to experience? The BMW commercial with the car at the front door and the ginormous red bow? The fruit commercial where even your mailman gets this special array? The end-caps with holiday packaged pump soap and plastic bags? Everywhere we turn we are "told" to celebrate by spending and getting.

Not only is this the time for financially strapped parents to take a step back and evaluate how they approach gifting, I think it's the time for every family to retool.

For the struggling families - even those who receive state or non-profit "Christmas assistance" to "gift" the kids - think about this. Why pretend all is well when it isn't? The number of parents who insist on flooding their kids with gallons of gifts they can't afford stuns me. It is okay to have a careful Christmas. When I share this thought, people look at me strangely. So I repeat myself.

I think it is okay to gently share the financial reality with your kids. You do not overburden them, but you certainly can let them know what you can afford. Just make the statement simple and remain calm. "Everyone is going to get 2 presents. One will be something they need and one will be a toy." If you have to worry that your kids won't be happy or have a "good" Christmas based upon the number or value of their presents, you have been teaching the wrong message.

Contrary to the media's message, Christmas is not about Santa and "what you want". (Ever watched a toddler more fascinated with the unwrapping than the actual gift?) It's not about how many things you open or how much money is spent. It is supposed to be about the birth of Jesus Christ (The Savior we sing about in Christmas carols - that guy). The trees, the gifts, the food -- that is all just culturally added stuff. If you teach your kids that it is Jesus's birthday party, you're on the right track. I know people who actually bake cupcakes with their kids to make the point. When our kids were little, we limited each child to three gifts to mimic the three gifts Jesus received from each traveling Wise Man. We filled stockings with all kinds of goodies, but as the kids aged we changed the contents to more silly items and candy rather than more gift cards.

Each year, we have tried to participate in some form of reaching out to those less fortunate than us. Even on the years when we were the less fortunate ones. Six years ago we became one of those families I began this blog talking about. Six years ago we were forced to change our Christmas even further. Six years ago we became free of stuff, more resilient to the media and have delighted in the best Christmases ever.

Christmas became family-focused on our memories, food and time together. We have anticipated and enjoyed wonderful meals and cut back on gifts even further. A well-thought out ornament is more meaningful than another "thing" to dust. Making a quilt or crafting something from Pinterest is far more personal than a mall item. There is no "what-do-I-get-them" stress, cuz we don't. We were primed for this because we had already been taking baby steps.

Baby steps? We stopped sending cards over a decade ago - they're just too expensive with postage. Even longer ago we pulled our kids out of the extended family gift exchanges because we didn't want them getting more stuff. We wanted them to develop the ability to appreciate simple gestures, not drowning under wrapping paper. Sometimes we even combined birthday and Christmas gifts into one item that further enhanced our goal.

Our result? A happy, stress-free Christmas season culminating with a wonderful celebration of Christ's birth.  We use the time we aren't in the malls or fighting for parking spaces to do something simple together. Like decorate the tree, make cookies, or laugh at a TV show. Our kids value memories over stuff and we have no apologies or regrets.

Oh, and one year I even dared myself not to do a tree! Guess what? It was still Christmas here.