The Most Powerful Words A Parent Can Use

Don't we all want to hear our parents say "well done" or appreciate something about us? Ever since I read the book The Blessing by Gary Smalley and Dr. John Trent about 25 years ago, I have worked hard to verbally tell my children something special about them and how God will use it in their futures. In my work, I routinely encourage parents to "picture a special future" for each of their children and to do it out loud.

Many people pass through childhood merely attending life and pouf they're an adult and just go through the motions. Day fades into day fades into years simply functioning - joy is absent. Sometimes it is due to economic or social circumstances. Sometimes it's just because their parents didn't or couldn't picture a special future for them. That's what is called a blessing.

Passing on a blessing was a huge deal in the Old Testament (the part of the Bible that talks about life on this planet before Jesus was born). It's important because it shows us customs and history that feed into today. The Old Testament blessing was a tradition given by the father to the oldest son in the family and carried its weight to his future lineage. It was bestowed hope and a positive pronouncement coveted by the child. It governed his future life from that point forward. A verbal treasure, done just once. An honor with the authority of God behind his father's well chosen words.

Smalley and Trent have concluded - and I agree - that inside the heart of every one of us is a desire to hear a good word from his or her parents. Their book talks about how to give a blessing to our own children, even if we never received it ourselves. This is a powerful thought: You can give something you never received (and even still want) yourself! The book includes rationale on why your parents might have been unable to give you a blessing. Absorbing that will clear your heart and mind so you can give a blessing to your kids. It is one of the most powerful parenting books I have ever read.

I've met adults who were told horrible things while they were growing up. "You are fat", "You are such a klutz", "Why can't you be like your sister?" "When will you ever learn?" "You ruined my life",  "I wish I had had an abortion", "You just have to be like this, don't you??", "You are such a brat", "You're gonna have to be smart cuz your looks won't help", "You're stupid", "What is wrong with you?!?" "Who will ever want to marry you?", "You make me so mad", "I can't wait til you are out of the house." All of the above have been told to people I have met. All of them have damaged souls.

Some condemnation wasn't actually said. It's what wasn't said that damages. Many adults with grown children of their own still ache for their parents to say something positive. To those of us in that boat, I say do the work to let go of that hope. It is likely not to happen and your emotions will do better investing in something worthwhile. Like...the next generation.

So let's influence each generation to come by picturing a special future not once, but as a matter of course as you do life. Let's empower our kids and grandkids to recognize their gifts and strengths and visualize how they can contribute to the world. Or, what I like to call "becoming a solid citizen". You'd be surprised at how many youth can't see beyond tomorrow or maybe their birthday. Many can't even comprehend consequences. Let's help them picture their futures and maybe we can stop just one kid from taking a hammer and breaking in to the gas station down the block.

Are you wondering what to say?

Well, you don't set up a meeting and clear your throat or light candles or even tell the kids you are giving them a blessing. You just do it wherever you happen to be and you notice a quality to affirm. It's about character and ability, so no talking about Sally's cute little button nose that she had no control over.  Say things along these lines: "You are such a great artist - when you are grown up many people will appreciate your pictures." "You were so brave to help me kill that bug. When you're a Daddy, your children will feel safe with you, too." "You are so good at writing stories! You could write a book about adventures." "I know this is hard. This is good practice for other hard things that will happen. You are handling it well." "You are really good at figuring things out, will you please help me put this lamp together?" "You are such a fast learner!" "It's great how you like to try new things - you could go anywhere in the world and talk to people."

Pretty much anything positive that you see your child do or be can be turned into a blessing. Catch them doing something right and every once in awhile, verbalize it to them. Tomorrow will soon be upon them, and we want to get them ready bit by bit. Do this and you know they will pass it on to their children. And so on.

#ImpactingGenerations

The Powerful Effect of Agreement

I accidentally started to learn about this when my girl was about 20 months old. We were driving home and passed by a McDonalds as we exited the grocery store parking lot. "I want to go to McDonalds, Mommy, " she said, sitting forward in her car seat pointing to the Golden Arches. "I do too," I gushed. "Let's go there tomorrow, okay!?!" "OKAY!!" agreed my little one. She snuggled back into her seat for the ride home. And yes, I did take her to get that Happy Meal the next day.

When I deferred the McDonalds visit, I did it partly because I just wanted to get home after a long day, and partly because I wanted to teach her that everything doesn't happen the second we want it to. As she continued to grow up and her little brother came along, I found more uses for "agreeing".

At age five having just been impressed with a virtual tour of a French cheese-making facility on a Mr. Rogers episode, my girl somberly informed me that when she grew up, she wanted to "be a cheese maker." She continued to mention this aspiration for the next five years. I would smile and nod and say it looked like fun. Sometimes I would ask her if she would be sure to make me some, too. By the time she was 10, privately I thought she was capable of an array of amazing careers that used more of her creativity. But I resisted the urge to suggest she think differently. I did tell her I thought she would be good at many things, but only because she was (and is) marvelously talented - not because I didn't want her to make cheese or live in France. (Side note: she's actually a grad student and works with social justice and marginalized people and a graphic artist on the side.)

The first time either child lost their grip on a precious helium balloon they had just been given, I would start jumping wildly in the parking lot and waving excitedly "Bye!" to the disappearing object. The kids didn't hesitate to join me, and every balloon they accidentally let go of after that received the same fond farewell. This is a pre-emptive strike against a fit, but the "agreement" was that the balloon was going away.  They learned that "Away" isn't necessarily a tragedy.

When one of my kids would tell me about something that had upset them and finish with "and it's not fair!!!"  I would agree with them when it really wasn't fair. "You are so right, that is NOT one bit fair, but it happened. I'm sad with you for that. How frustrating." Sometimes that was enough to adjust their view on the situation. Sometimes we would talk about ways to deal with it now that it wasn't fair.

"I want to be a brave soldier when I grow up," said my five-year-old son. Following my own cheese-maker advice, I agreed with his idea. After all, he was five. New ideas would come along. When he was 17 he enrolled in the National Guard and graduated Basic Training before his senior year in high school as one of the youngest graduating soldiers. Five days after he graduates next month, he ships out for a summer of AIT training before starting college in the fall to study architecture.

In college my daughter excitedly called to tell me about the spring break trip she and 3 gal pals were going to take - driving to Florida. Now, that idea was the last thing I liked and thought there was a lot of potential risk. But she was 19. So I just asked about trip details and suggested she get her oil changed before and have friends chip in for gas. She agreed. A week before the trip, she told me they weren't going. When I asked her why, she said she didn't have enough money and didn't want to put more miles on her car. "That is reasonable thinking," I replied. Each time she wanted to do something, we listened to her reasoning and made listening comments, but we did not tell her not to do it. She would come to her own conclusion that was more reasonable after living with the idea for a bit of time.

The take-away from my "agreement" approach is that kids can tell when you enter their world and truly see things from their viewpoint. They need their ideas to be heard. Sometimes, you may not like their idea or want to do it, but you can agree that their idea is a valid one. They can even tell you they don't want to do something, and you can reply that you don't want to do it either - but we have to learn to do things anyway sometimes.

Fully functioning adults need to learn to wait. They need to learn to do things they don't want to do for personal responsibility. They need to learn to make rational decisions. By listening with agreement, you can help foster this in your children as they move from stage to stage.

Oh - and did you notice I did not bring up any form of lecturing? There are no lectures in my world. Telling a kid what to think will not teach them to think independently or confidently. Guiding allows them to absorb things and make it their own. Had I "told" my toddler daughter that we did not have time to go to McDonalds and droned "no" it won't work, she would have had a fit and I would have committed a lecture. Arg. Nothing would have been learned.  I think parents employ the word "no" and lecture far too often and that's why kids end up needing to be told things over and over and not comprehending on their own.

Agreement. Try it, you'll like the results and so will your kids.