Survivor Parenting

Are you a parent going through a crisis? You and your kids have stared horror in the face. At first you learned to put one foot in front of the other and a pot of dinner on the table.  You watched yourself go through the motions. Then reality and adrenaline hit and you went into survivor mode - doing everything a fierce parent-bear would do to protect their cubs. You and your kids bonded while learning to fight the battle and survive the war. You are survivors!

This is a toughie. Those of us who once navigated terror have come out on the other side, shaking off the dust or the water beads. We have traveled to hell and back, clung to each other and prayed fervently. I often refer to this as having crawled under the barbed wire together.

At some point, the active horror ends. What do we do then with our "escapee-survivor" relationships? How do we move on and leave this terror as a dot in the rearview mirror?

I've met two kinds of  "escapee-survivors". The sad kind that continue to live and define themselves by reliving it and giving it space in their mind and heart, and the amazing kind who survived a prison camp but you wouldn't know it by the lives they lead. Then of course, I've met those who misuse the word "crisis" and apply it to something polar opposite such as a messy bathroom while pregnant. One woman was "in crisis" and couldn't cook dinner. When the church meal brigade stopped over with an entire dinner for the family, she was out getting a manicure. These people I run from, but I will sit by the side of anyone wanting to work through and conquer any day.

So just how do we go from the horror to moving ahead without wrecking our kids?

First of all, recognize that this will take some time to fully accept and process. You may have some forgiving to do, too. Just because it will take time doesn't mean you can't make steps. One of those should be to the office of a qualified counselor. Find someone with experience in your area of need and be aware that this crisis may trigger other issues. A good counselor will help you identify and manage your triggers. Your children may need counseling, too. Again, find one experienced in the area they need help. Don't be shy about asking questions on the phone.

Second, take care of yourself. Bubble baths, warm showers, naps. And if you're a girl, sure why not get a manicure? (Just don't tell the church you can't cook dinner.) The point is to treat yourself kindly. You need your strength, whatever it is, to deal with the kids. Do not put yourself in social positions that could add to your pain. Getting divorced? Don't feel obligated to attend a wedding. Limit what you read or watch to things that won't remind you of your crisis. In short, be careful. The more self care you provide, you will be able to parent in a calmer manner.

Third, watch who you confide in. You do not need many confidants. Recently I met a mom in a really tough situation so I was giving her support - until I found out she had 7 others on her chat list. Then I told her to reign in select carefully. You do not need to hear yourself repeating sad or bad things over and over. And not everyone can support you. The best crisis advice I received was from two good friends who came to me and told me they would be my PR. So instead of answering mail, messages and the door - they took over and filtered for me. They gave out just the right amount of information for my privacy and shouldered my burden. My load felt so much lighter and my days were not as heavy.

Fourth, return the household to consistent operations as quickly as possible. Kids are most secure with schedules and expectations made clear. With everything that is going on, they need to know that comfort now more than ever. Even if you have changed your living arrangements, you can still eat at the same time and have that bedtime story. This will be soothing for you, too.

Fifth, resist the temptation to confide in your kids or rely on them to take an adult's place. They are still kids even though what they have seen and experienced is beyond what you would ever want them to know. As much as you want to have fun with them - and you should - they are not your friends.  They need you to be the adult. They want the hierarchy in place - don't take it away from them. You don't need to give more information than is age appropriate for them to handle.

Finally, picture your lives moving along out loud. Envision what the rebuilt home will look like. Talk about positive things. You don't want to act as if the crisis never happened, but you do not need to relive it daily either. I've met both extremes and neither is healthy. Find the healthy balance and stay in that zone.

Never estimate the power of a grunted prayer. You may be so broken that's all you can get out. You may not have the words to share with God, but God is still God. The good news is that he is beyond our words and is right there with you amidst the grunts and swollen eyes crying on the bedroom floor. The more you pray as you go through and move past, the more trust you will have and the more you will be reminded that the Creator of the Universe truly has you in the palm of his hand - all the time.

My prayer for any reader in crisis is that one day, it will become a speck in your rearview mirror and you too can encourage others.

Conquering Morning Mayhem

I dream of mornings that unveil a day where time moves slowly and everything is smooth and orderly. In order to pretend I had such a start to my day when my kids were little, I would do as much as possible ahead of time the night before so we could think we were waltzing - not rushing - out the door. Despite my best efforts, most mornings offered unexpected detours that cooled our zen.

Lost keys, dog poop or the discovery that what I'd chosen to wear had an obvious stain were just some of the "opportunities" to overcome in the dash to exit on time. We dealt with it and lived through it. With each birthday things got smoother... But remember with kids 10 years apart, that took longer. On the other hand, with that big age gap, at least I was only helping one kid at a time put on their shoes and adjust that sock so it didn't bug them.

My morning mayhem stories are mostly worth a chuckle, and that mayhem is now part of history. We made it through! But what if you have a special needs child on top of the routines requiring parental intervention and supervision? This season is not going to fade away on any predictable timeline, but you can set up some routines that can help your child and your family manage.

If your family is struggling, here are some pointers that work:

First of all, limit the household activity to the goal of getting up and out on time. Don't add extra people or tasks. Parents with special needs kids don't need to supervise sibling piano practice or friends waiting for the bus.

Siblings should get set up to leave the night before. Shower. Pack the backpack, sign the parent permission slip, make the lunch and put it in the fridge. Lay out tomorrow's outfit. Kids as young as 5 can help butter their bread or put fruit in the lunchbox.

Share in the task of getting breakfast ready for the family. Older siblings can set the table and put out cereal and fruit. If you are really brave, pick a day a week to serve a hot meal with similar help. Teach everyone to rinse their dishes when they are done. At least leave the breakfast table cleared.

For any child who is more anxious, the more consistent the routine, the better. Children like to know what to expect. It provides security.

Something I recently introduced is a hands-on morning management technique. The parent picked just two things to focus on for the special needs child. I made them a "Feed the Fish" poster with a colorful, textured fish they could "feed" each time the child accomplished those two things. This child happens to love cereal, so I went online and printed out a bunch of real cereal box images and then laminated them as playing cards. Each morning the parent sees the child doing one of the two goals, he gets to feed the fish a box of cereal. At the end of the week, the boxes are counted up and a small reward is given.

I love this technique because it is reusable. You can adjust your goals after mastery. The key to any reward system is that the parents remain consistent. You can't be too tired or distracted one day because your child is building momentum. One missed morning to you may be no big deal, but may cause a setback for your child.

As always, resist the urge to narrate or offer lengthy reasoning. Get a vaccination to prevent this atrocity. Do not reply to sass. Keep restating what needs to happen like a broken record if need be. And whatever you do, don't let them see you lose your cool. (It's Academy Award time!)

Finally, enlist the cheers from the rest of the family. Sibling praises for the work of a special needs  child speak volumes. I think only the parent should hand out the cereal, though. That is the person the kids need to respect and listen to the most.

Whatever you do, don't rush or overcrowd what you are trying to teach. One thing taught and mastered without confusion is much more valuable than attempts to hit a number of things at once. Enthusiastically praise. Make a big deal and look your child in the eyes as you say "Way to go!" or "You did it!!" or "Thank you!!"  Sometimes, I like to affirm "I knew you could do that!"

I hope this inspires you in making routines fun for your family!