Rejoicing in Birth-Days

God has blessed me with two healthy children. It took some time to "get" each one, and they ended up 10 years apart. Each time these precious newborn bundles were placed in my arms, I was thrilled to my soul that I "got to be a mommie." I distinctly remember praying in my heart and cherishing those first moments with our baby "on the outside" of my body. I had loved them in my womb and now I could gaze into their faces!

When my baby girl was born, I remember closing my eyes and holding her and thanking God for her safe arrival. I also remember asking Him to keep that exact moment of awe and thanksgiving alive in me forever. When her brother arrived a decade later, my prayer was the same.

So... much like that popular children's book that makes you cry, each year on their birthday, I set my alarm to wake up a few minutes before the actual birth time. (Being a night owl and having two morning births, this really says a lot.) I crept into their rooms, scooped my sleeping baby in my arms and squeezed my eyes tight. Holding them close, I remembered that incredible moment they first came into my arms and tearfully thanked God again. Sometimes they woke up, sometimes they were crabby. Sometimes they even murmured "I love you Mommie." It didn't matter what their reactions were - celebrating their birth was my heart's thrill. (And still is.)

I have come a long way from that first time mom who made personalized stuffed animals for her one-year-old daughter's first birthday guest gifts. Yes, each duckie had an embroidered pink or blue bib complete with the name of the attendee.
Before I learned my lesson, for her fourth birthday I invited the entire neighborhood (parents and siblings included) to celebrate along with me and a huge Costco hotdog receipt.

Along the way, I cooled off a bit and then met a mom who inspired me to have parties every other year. That took the pressure off, especially with one December birthday. For the party years, we hosted a party. (Just no more pony rides.) For the non-party years, we had our kids pick one guest to do one thing. Sometimes the thing was at our home - like pedicures and a bubble bath. Sometimes, the thing was a movie or ski date. Either way, the birth day was celebrated with the family. Our kids learned to look forward to both methods of celebration and we got to keep it real.

Parental Glue

As a self-recognized late bloomer, I am just now watching the Liam Neeson 2008 movie "Taken". In summary, it's about a dad who goes to every possible length to rescue his twitty 18 year old daughter who just went to Paris and naively got involved with sex slavery due to poor decisions. Punch, punch, gun shot yes! I would do anything to rescue my kids from danger and bring them home just like Liam. Passionate.

My very first experience in being a passionate parent was with with my baby girl. This story now not only makes me laugh at myself, everyone I tell it to laughs. But it serves a point that parents need to take a stance and act.

Just because I glued story book pages together if I didn't like where it was going, used liquid White-Out to erase words I thought my baby girl didn't need to learn and replaced them with less criminal words in matching font doesn't mean I am anal! I remember being mortified that my then two-year old could have a book where the word "stupid" was used and replaced it with "silly".

I literally read everything, saw everything and did everything before exposing my daughter to the subject. That way, I was able to provide commentary and ask questions, or in the case of my story book-itis, remove 'objectionable content.' I was like the mama bird who eats the food first and then feeds her babies.

You know what? As I grew in relationship with God and in parenting confidence, I loosened up with my anxiousness. All I was trying to do was celebrate my child and do the absolute best in providing her with the best foundation possible. It took a few years, but thanks to some gentle neighbors, I realized I had gone a tad overboard.

The cool family next door with three young sons were so calm and non-judgmental with all the things I had yet to learn. At that time we lived on a cul-de-sac with just seven homes. I was plotting out how many steps my girl could take in our yard while all the other kids romped up and down the street. The cool dad smiled at me and said, "She's just gonna be two houses away, it's okay." Reality hit!

Since then, I have relaxed so much that I only glue pages every other year. LOL. I'm actually so much more confident and relaxed that my daughter has been amazed at what I let slide with her little brother. We do not need to appear so uptight that our kids do not feel comfortable sharing. And, if we have been so uptight, it is hilarious to share and continue the conversation.

Our kids are growing, and we are, too. It's called a journey and a healthy balance. I love it all!

Really, This Toy??

I make it a practice to stroll toy aisles and see what is given prominence for kids toys, especially since my kids have outgrown toys and the only toys I like to play with are the classic ones.

Last week, I came upon these uh, dolls. Take a look at their faces! What does this say to you? To me I see scars and darkness. Who plays with dolls? Not kids who enjoy scars, and many are actually trying to overcome a fear of darkness. Look at their eyes. Nothing... The vacant look on their faces has me wondering who would want to cuddle such an item? Who would want to play house with that as the "baby"?

What were the architects of this line of toys thinking when they sat around the boardroom table tossing around new concepts? "Hey! Let's create some freak rag doll playing off that whole vampire craze! We can get the really little kids with this." "Excellent! Put some scars on it and x out the eyes. We'll outsell American Girls by far with our price points."

The influence we have on children should be taken gravely. It is an honor to teach or parent a young mind. What we do or do not do can have life long impact. My desire is that what I put out there for my child's mind contributes to their imagination in secure and positive ways. Therefore, they did not accompany me to R rated movies, smoke-filled bars, tattoo parlors or the edge of a cliff. We did not read horror stories and were even careful with Bambi.

The toys we provided inspired creativity, dramatic play or problem solving. They did not do the thinking or branding for them, they did not provide any fodder for haunting thoughts. We also stayed away from too many tie-in toys. You know, where a hot kids movie inspires sleeping bags, PJs, back packs, characters, etc. Yes, there were some. Who can resist a Woody or a Buzz? But they were balanced with Legos, books and bikes, rocks and sticks.

Not only do I not want my kids to be flooded with commercialized characters everywhere (and thus become conditioned to fall for the theme toothpaste or bandaids), I do not want to put anything in front of their eyes that sends a message that body mutilation or anything else that is darkly marketed as attractive is a way of life. To me, this toy sells fear and darkness and is inappropriate.

I Won't Lie to My Kids

The best illustration I have regarding my core belief that I will not lie is when we took our son to California's Legoland for his 6th birthday. At that time, we lived in Sacramento - about an eight hour drive from the north. His birthday is at the beginning of December, so we combined the trip with a Thanksgiving visit to his L.A. based grandparents. We ate turkey with them, then a day or so later headed further south to celebrate in Legoland for two days. You just can't see enough in one day.

Due to scheduling and work logistics, our trip would conclude several days before our son's actual Big Day. He was fully aware of the timing, and eager to partake of all the theme park had to offer. I have a precious image embedded in my mind of him wearing his physical birthday gift while sitting on a mechanical horse - a Lego-y knight's costume complete with shield and sword. He was leaning forward with the most innocent big smile...

If you have never been to the original Legoland in Southern California, it is quite different from the small version in Mall of America. It is one of the most hands-on, clean and inspiring theme-places to take children. They interact with rides, they participate in creation stations and the food is top notch.

One of the rides we went to was a two person race car. The bored attendant told us (the only people in that line) that the ride was for children ages 6 and up, then asked if our son was 6.

He looked up at me with his big blue eyes, so full of trust and eager to get on the ride, yet knowing he did not actually turn 6 for three more days, waiting for my reply. I knew this was a moment that would set the stage for his future. I couldn't just "round up" in my reply just because we were so close to his birthday. He would consider it a lie.

"He will be 6 in three more days," I smiled.

"Sorry," said the poorly trained attendant. "He has to be 6 to ride."

"He will be 6 in just three more days," I repeated. "This trip is his birthday present but we won't be here then and he would really like to go on this ride." Big smile.

She was not interested and shook her head no, then looked away.

We didn't get to go on that ride.

As we walked away toward another ride, his hand in mine, my heart ached for his disappointment. "That's not fair!" He said. I agreed. "My birthday is just a couple more days away!" I told him I agreed, and pointed out that she was trained with words, but could not think when it came to real people. I told him I was sorry we couldn't go on this ride, speaking far more upbeat than I really felt.

Then I said I was glad that we had told the truth, and that he saw his mother tell the truth, even when a person didn't respond kindly. I wanted him to know his mommie told the truth so that he could always trust me. He squeezed my hand as we met up with his dad and he got to tell him all about the lady who "was too picky".

I still wince that he didn't get to go on that one ride, but am so glad I didn't stretch the truth with a very concrete thinking little person at my side. Kids need to know that parents won't compromise just to get what they want.

The Hardest Disciplinary Decision We Ever Made

When our daughter was 17, we told her she could have the family van with its 119,000 miles to drive. She shuddered at the thought of driving the van, so we told her she could have the value of it if we could get it sold. The value we got wasn’t enough to buy her beloved dream car – a BMW as old as she was that cost a few thousand more.

She begged and begged to purchase that car. We made her do all kinds of research to learn how much maintenance and upkeep would be. She stated she understood but still pleaded with us to at least go look. Her father took her to see the car, and it was in excellent condition. We agreed to take out a loan for the difference between the cost of the van and the purchase of the BMW. The conditions were that she must pay us $200 per month to cover the loan and the car insurance. She would pay for her own gas, oil, tabs and any maintenance.

For the first few months she was pretty much on time with payments. Then she’d slide by a week or so and we’d give her grace. Then she was a month behind. “I just didn’t get that many hours at work.” We gave her grace again, but told her that was it. In the real world they come and take your car away after three months. She nodded and caught up partially. Then came two more months of missed payments.

Selling her car was such a hard thing to do! It was a beautiful vehicle and having her drive herself everywhere she needed to go was much more convenient for us. In fact, losing her car put an additional three hours of driving on me per day. Friends told me we were nuts – we should just let her drive to school so we would not be so inconvenienced. Not a chance, I told them. I’d rather be inconvenienced so that she could experience the reality of her actions and the reality of our word so that she would become a productive adult. The friends shook their heads at me.

I use this story in every parenting workshop I conduct to encourage parents not to be afraid to take a stand and mean it. Yes it may be hard on us for a time, but the life lesson is well worth an inconvenience. Many parents gasp when they hear what we did and have a look on their faces that says we were too extreme.

The proof is in the results. My daughter is now an adult and tells me that losing her car was the best thing that could have happened to her and that she is so glad we took it away from her. Yes it was worth the extra year in traffic! I’ve got a “big girl” who stands on her own responsible feet and understands the decisions we made were for her good.

"Reality Discipline"

This is what has defined my parenting philosophy ever since I read Dr. Kevin Leman's book Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours. When my daughter was nearly four years old, I was wandering the aisles in a book store when the title jumped out at me. "That's what I need to know", I mumbled to myself. I finished the book that afternoon.

That was 22 years ago. Not only does the message work, not only have I personally applied this approach to my own children, as a children and family pastor I have taught and shared on this with literally hundreds and hundreds of families across the country. This stuff works!

Perhaps I should ask Dr. Leman for a sales commission?

Here's the summary about what reality discipline is all about: you let life lessons and experiences teach your children while they are still at home under your loving authority. Parents should not hover (helicopter parents), rule autocratically (authoritarian parents) but in a loving relationship guide and direct (authoritative).

"Because I said so" does not teach. Trying to befriend a child does not teach. Hovering does not teach. Okay, yes they do, they "teach" fear, dependence and rebellion. If a parent desires kids who become self-sustaining adults who contribute to society, they need to decide that early on and act appropriately.

In the "reality" scenario, parents make sure the task is known but they do not lecture or berate. They calmly allow life to teach. They do not allow the greater need to usurp the need to teach their children how to act properly. Your momentary inconvenience may be a life-lesson for your developing child.

Example:
Dinner is ready. Call the children to the table once. Begin eating. Anyone who comes late misses dinner. Parents calmly say "Dinner began at 6:00. That's when we eat. Breakfast is at 8:00." No food is available for the tardy kid. No further discussion about the missed meal. Oh, perhaps if the child says they are hungry, the parent could agree. "I bet you are!" But no lectures, no reminding. They won't starve.

Example:
Kids know to put bikes and skateboards away, but they don't do it. One father I know took all three of sons bikes and scooters and donated them to Goodwill. When his boys asked what happened, he calmly told them they had not cared for these items, so they are now gone. (They can save up and buy their own replacements or live without, but Dad does not spell that out, he keeps calm.)

Example:
Mom is 95% done grocery shopping with her toddler. The cart is overflowing with all the needed items. Toddler begins a screaming fit complete with back-arching. Everyone in the store can either hear or see this display. Mom should not stand for this. She should calmly steer the cart to the customer service desk and ask them to hold her items, stating that her child is not acting appropriately in public. She should leave the store, place little screamer in his carseat saying they could not finish shopping. Drive home and time out. Go get the groceries later, or ask Dad to pick up on the way home. Make a point of telling Toddler the next time that they cannot come along because of how they acted. Maybe the next time.

Example:
It's cold. Parents suggest their child wears a coat. Child refuses. Parents do not continue discussion and continue out to the car, on the way to the destination. When the child whines that they are cold, parents simply say "I would be too" or "I bet you are." But nothing else. No lecturing. Repeat if necessary. Do not offer to find a way to keep them warm. Remain calm, talk to others. The next time, your child will remember their coat.

One More Example in This Blog:
Your child forgets their lunch and texts or calls from school. If you want a dependent child who does not grow up responsibly, abandon your coffee date with your friend, leave your office rush to a Subway to get that nutrition to the school in time for that 20 minute lunch window. If you want your child to learn how to be responsible, text back "Bummer". You can agree that it is frustrating when that happens, but if you don't fix it, you will be doing them a huge favor.

There is so much to be said about this topic, I will share more thoughts and examples in later blogs.

Oh, and by the way... the only Example I did not do was to sell the bikes...

Cajoling Parents

One day when I was a Starbucks barista, I was making drinks as usual for customers. A couple with a daughter about age four each ordered a drink for themselves. I rang them up and began making their two drinks. A barista is charged with completing the entire transaction in under 3 minutes.

The entire time I was “cooking”, their daughter was whimpering over and over and over, “I want a hot chocolate. I want a hot chocolate.”

Four times that little girl whined for her hot chocolate, and each time her perturbed parents snapped “no”.

As I finished their drinks, I glanced above the espresso machine and saw the mother with her hands on the little girl’s shoulders bent over, whispering firmly in her ear the way parents do in public when they want to silence embarrassing kid behavior. The whining silenced.

Once I placed the parents’ completed drinks on the hand-off bar, the mother got back in line and ordered a kids hot chocolate.

Sadly, they had caved in after threatening and warning over and over times four.

What message did that send to the little girl who finally got her way?

Kids need consistency. They need to know that “yes” means yes and “no” means no. To reward such manipulative behavior disregards a child’s basic security need to know and learn limits. Parenting isn’t about pleasing kids, it’s about nurturing kids who know how to roll with life’s challenges.

Had the parents merely said in a level tone (without any inflection), “No cocoa today Lullabelle” and turned away, focusing on their adult conversation, the whining would have diminished. The parents would have held a loving, authoritative hand. Coddling their child completely missed the mark of parenting authentically with the goal of raising an a contributing, self-sustaining adult one day.

Instead, they’ve nurtured an on-going project: a person who needs others to affirm her or she won’t “feel happy.”

EEE GAD!

The glorious look of success on the girl’s face as I gave her the drink said it all. The parents thought they’d diminished a fit, their girl knew differently.

For more on what is called "reality discipline", check out Dr. Kevin Leman's best selling book: Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours.

Free Range Kids

While driving, I heard an author of an exciting new book interviewed on the radio. I admit I only heard about 8 minutes minus the ads.

The author advocated letting today’s kids run around all day long with the freedoms from the “safe sixties”. She cited several studies that proved her correct.

As I listened, I clenched the steering wheel. NOOOOO!

It wasn’t that great that my parents trusted me to disappear for half a day then, and it isn’t good at all today. Parents MUST KNOW where there children are at all times, forget statistics.

I can remember playing in the woods at age 12 just a mile from our home. My friend and I heard an unsettling rustling and rode our bikes away with our neck hairs standing on end. Articulate as I was and as close as I was to my mother, it did not occur to me to ever tell her of our “scare”.

For this author to advocate kids without adult interaction and to “trust” them is insidious. The older kids are, the more they need a parent there to listen and download.

Free range chicken – I’m for ‘em!

Free range kids – not at all.

"Washing Machine" Prayers

It’s hard to teach concrete-thinking children how to pray to God. They are so trusting and their hearts are ripe to receive anything parents want to plant – a responsibility not to be taken lightly.

When my girl was about eight, she was having trouble getting rid of scary thoughts about her birth father. Some thoughts were memories of his disregard for her well-being, some thoughts were just thoughts about how terrible he had been to us during a very traumatic divorce.

I did not know how haunted she was until one day when she just happened to remark that she “had bad thoughts” about her father and didn’t know what to do about them. Immediately we began a careful discussion. That’s when I learned the depths of her anguish. She needed her mother’s comfort, but she also needed to know how to talk to God on her own as things would continue to pop up.

“How do I talk to God about this, Mommie?”

I told her that God would hear our prayers and take away sad thoughts and ideas. All she had to do was ask Him.

“How will it work?” She innocently wondered.

Right then a mental picture of a washing machine appeared to me, an answer to a silent prayer I had uttered. I asked her if she could picture a washing machine, and picture all the suds going round and round.

She nodded.

Then I asked her to picture putting each crummy thought or memory in all those suds. She nodded again.

“That’s how God will help you wash away those thoughts. He has the power to make them clean again. Once they’re washed away, you don’t have to let them in your mind again. They’re gone for good.”

My little girl took a deep breath and her eyes shown with relief. She thanked me for helping her. I thanked God for helping me realize her need for a picture.

Hey I was on the Radio

Seriously, I was on the radio a couple of days ago! (What's that 80's song about that??)

Check out this link to hear the interview where I not surprisingly chat about how parents can pour into their kids eternities by being more intentional:

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/plainjanetalks/2011/12/30