In the mental health world, that's called "self advocacy". It refers to a child's ability to articulate their needs and not wait for others to spell it out for them. It also refers to a child's ability to verbalize when they are uncomfortable or need help.
When we are teaching our toddlers to make a choice between which apple they want to eat, or which toy they want to play with, we are beginning the process of self-assertion. When we see our toddler yank a toy out of a peer's grasp, we (wince) see another form of self-assertion. When we do not give our toddler the candy they wanted at Target and they begin screaming and kicking, we see yet another form of self-assertion. Some forms of self-assertion are good, even necessary. Other forms of self-assertion are more selfish and require redirection.
Some self-assertion we delight in noticing. Our child has a favorite toy or color. Our child loves a certain song or book. You follow. Other self-assertions are unacceptable. Like being rude to others, or having fits.
Sometimes, I think parents are so focused on making sure their kids behave, I think they forget to pay attention to two other things. One: Thinking that outward "performance" indicates inward comprehension. Two: Overlooking the opportunity to teach kids an appropriate way to voice a disagreement, disappointment or discomfort.
Regarding Number One. If your child does not internalize why certain actions are positive but merely performing to please you, you need to work on their comprehension. If they merely walk through the motions in order not to get in trouble, they won't "own" it and will require supervision and unable to become an independent thinker. If you think you need to narrate and manage every single moment, you are missing the point in parenting: raising a child to function and thrive on their own.
Number Two: Kids have to learn how to ask for what they need in a direct way. If the bus driver forgets to stop and drop them off, they need to be able to let the driver know that - without fear of repercussion or slumking down out of nervousness because other kids will see and hear. Kids need to be able to ask their non-custodial parent for a coloring book and know that is okay. Kids need to be able to move away from any uncomfortable touch - even if it is that heavilly perfumed Aunt Matilda that you adore. Please don't teach your child to care, hug or kiss on command. Trust their vibe. If they are uncomfortable, that's okay. That sonar may help them in a future dating scenario or worse - an attempted molestation. Just smile at Aunt Matilda, blow her a kiss and pat your kiddo on the shoulder, telling him to go play. Not everybody is a hugger.
The Part Two to Number Two is that kids need to know how to tell another kid to knock it off. That kid who calls them names on the bus. The older neighbor boy who hangs their bike in a tree. That snotty girl who no longer talks to them at lunch. This has to start in elementary school if you are going to have a strong child in middle and high school where bullying is on RedBull.
Practice role-playing. Be calm and matter-of-fact. If you are anxious or worried, they don't need to know about it. Encourage your child how to ask for help. How to say no. Help your child to understand that they do not have to let anyone treat them unacceptably. Teach them how to see what is okay and what is not okay. Most importantly, coach your darlings to realize that bullies do not speak or act on truth and that nothing the bully does reflects on any of their personal value. Not. One. Iota. And when they come home and tell you how they handled something well, make the biggest deal in the world and affirm their socks off.
My goal for my kids has been to regard others with dignity while standing up for themselves respectfully - unless the situation would escalate toward harm. Then the rules don't apply - it's safety first.
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