Mom, Mom, Mom, Mommy, Mommy

Are you familiar with the animated TV show Family Guy? I'm not. Just the commercial where little Stewie stands in a doorway saying "Mom. Mom. Mom. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mama. Mama." His irritated mother sighs, "What?"

"Hi." That's all he wanted to say. Just hi. But he hammered away to get her attention first.

Most of us have probably felt exhausted from similar demands from our smaller kids. I know that's why I laugh at this commercial now. In fact my senior son and I have turned it into a joke.

Have you ever been at a friend's house engaged in a serious conversation when one of their kids trots into the room and asks for something? Perhaps even something they could do for themselves. "May I eat a carrot?" "Can I go to the bathroom?" "Will you pour me some water?" Anything like these I say they should be able to do for themselves. But I've seen the mom go get that carrot, interrupting the synch of our conversation at the same time scolding that kid she is talking with another adult.

What about when a sibling tumbles in and says the other one won't let them play the Wii? Or tattles about the mean face that was made? The mom marches to the foot of the stairs and calls out for all the kids to play nice, then returns to you with a sigh. A few minutes later both of these scenarios are repeated only this time it's too close to dinner so absolutely no snack. As they pour their own water, the mom says to you "Just a sec - Hey!! Don't spill on my clean floor!" then returns to the disjointed conversation.

Some moms can tell the future so they lecture ahead of time. You are on the phone this time and she pulls away to tell the kids they had better not drop those towels on the floor like the last time. Or, they see their kid doing a craft and have to tell them this very minute that the glue should be dotted like this instead.

All the while, you are waiting patiently to continue the conversation but by now you have lost your train of thought. The mom complains about how needy her kids are and how she can't get much done because of them.

She doesn't realize she has created all of this by the way they micromanage or hover. I like to call it helicopter  parenting. Always there, aware of everything going on and ready to direct, fix or opine. It's one of the worst things we can do as parents. Offering to guide and narrate everything going on in the house - or in their lives. When will it be okay for these kids to begin to make their own decisions? Are they going to wait until driver's ed class?

Start with the little things and build. Tell your kids they can play the Wii for whatever period of time you pick and that they have to work out their own turns. Then step out of it and go do something else. If one of them comes to tell on the other, calmly turn off the game. Repeat each time until they get the idea that their time with the Wii is their time - not yours to supervise. I believe kids as young as 5 should learn how to pour water and get simple snacks. Rather than teaching them to ask mother bird for every worm, establish guidelines where they have the freedom to serve themselves according to your household rules. If they don't follow, they don't get to do it next time.

Most moms will agree that as soon as they begin talking on the phone or visiting with another adult, their kids flock to their side suddenly in dire need to say something. Here's a simple "Interruption Technique" I like to teach. When your child has something to say, they come and stand quietly next to you and tap you gently on the arm, and wait. You continue to talk, but tap your child back on their arm. The "code" you just used without saying a thing was that he has something to say and you are  acknowledging him, and when you are done with your sentence he will be addressed. Kids love hearing they get to have a code with you! And if you are upbeat when you teach this, they'll follow. Tell them how great they are doing and you've just nipped a major chunk of interruptions out of your future.

Snot Moms and Your ADHD Child

Have you met them? Their hair is perfect, their bodies lean and they parent with ease. Not only that, of course their kids are compliant, neatly dressed and well-behaved.

While your kid is running around their pool channeling ADHD and offending every other calm five-year-old, their kid is hosting a dainty tea party in the shallow end or carefully touching their toe into the water. When your kid burps at their sweetly pig-tailed one who recoils with a squak, the perfectly coifed mom glares over at you because of your moral failure now being demonstrated by your child's beastly behavior.

While you wrestle your wild child to the ground in order to dry them off before leaving this fun party, everyone stares and then nods toward each other. Your hair falls out of the clips and your shirt pulls up during the tussle. No doubt you'll get a bruise from this. Yes indeed, you represent the worst parenting there is and worse yet, they have labeled your child as a bad seed. These moms vibe one another and cross their legs in unison as they all look away from your big fat mess. You saddle up and trudge out the garden gate to your car. So much for the kindergarten class party.

Not only will they not friend you, they will ignore your child. Depending on your school, this could make quite an impact when they send birthday party invitations to every child in the class except yours. Your child comes home bewildered having seen the invites delivered in front of everyone, and wonders why they weren't chosen. Even if you go on the field trip with him, there is no guaranteed your presence will influence calmer behavior.

Hello, that struggling mom was me and I wouldn't change a single thing in my life at that time. Not for a health club or better hair, and certainly not my child. God bless those snotty moms judging me and my beloved child. That wiggle-worm, impulsive, compulsive noise-making, dirt attractor and irritating 5-year-old is becoming one of the most amazing people I have ever known, much less parented. And he is yet to graduate high school.

Those snots that refused friendship and excluded birthday party invitations were ignorant and judgmental. Their shunning quickly taught me that I needed to learn how to support and coach my kid in the face of what loomed to be on-going judgement not to mention serious struggles to pay attention.  After all, part of life is learning how to behave in socially appropriate ways. We want to attract people - not shoo them away. I had to advocate for him often, as well as discipline his socks off. Unfortunately, because he got labeled so early due to his hyper-impulsiveness, anything he did was initially believed to be an intentional act. We got our own labels as bad parents. And yes, he got kicked out of two daycares and two preschools.

Finally, he was old enough to test. We tested for allergies (guess who had a high senistivity even to natural  sugars?) and we tested intelligence (turns out he has superior intellect) and of course for ADHD. Once he got on his meds and we figured out which ones and how often, he simmered down and could focus. We taught him he was the boss of his brain, so he could focus on his teacher or his finger tip. We never told him he had ADHD, we only told him he needed focus pills to help all the activity in his smart brain simmer down so he could focus. We role-played, coached and rewarded, cried, laughed and continually begged God for help.

It seemed that people were only pleased with the behavior of the quiet and compliant children that never spoke out of turn. Intollerant teachers spent time trying to force our boy to be just like the others and were frustrated when it appeared he wouldn't listen. I don't want any kid to be just like any others, least of all my kid. I want to know how they think and what they think and how they dream. I don't want to control them nor turn them into little performers. With God's grace, I want them to become who they should be and I am there to coach them along the way to be a kind citizen.

The kid who was so judged does not judge others. He never started anything, but he will defend himself - and when he sees bullying, he tells the kids to knock it off. He sees the spectrum of human behavior and dismisses no one. While he respects the right of everyone to be on this planet, he will not ask a girl out if he has seen her being rude to someone. He is courteous and thoughtful and strong -  both physically and mentally. People that have met him after age 9 do not believe my stories of his ADHD because it's gone. We stopped the meds after a year when he told us he "didn't like the way he feels" when he takes his focus pills. Okay, we said. But you will have to work extra hard to help your brain focus. And over the next couple of years he did.

I think any parent with no compassion for a child that doesn't fit a mold for whatever the reason is a snot mom. Kids with mental or physical diagnosis take extra effort to parent and educate. Their families are worn out and many times they struggle alone if no extended family lives nearby. I can't count very high the number of people that loved us through our battle to raise our wild child. One of them was the cashier in the grocery store who encouraged me while every other shopper stared aghast at the screaming fit my 13 month old was having in the cart. To this day I remember her kind smile. She made a difference in more that just that interaction.

When we stop to think beyond a snap judgement and give that annoying kid a chance we are blessing her and her parent that is struggling more than you'll ever know. Try it. You'll probably never know you made a difference in their lives, but know that you did indeed.

No! No Nothing!

Recently I was checking out at Target, and a frustrated mom behind me was attempting to control her two kids. A boy about 7 and a girl about 5 is my age guess.

As they plopped down the sale Halloween costume behind me, an excited brother began hugging and lifting his giggling sister. They were moving a bit and gently bumped into me, but it was all sibling silliness so I grinned. Mom on the other hand would have none of this. "No!" She scolded." No! Stop that! That is inappropriate. No! Don't touch each other!!!"

The kids untagled themselves and began doing other normal sibling things as they waited in line. Again I hear mom say, "No! No! No stop that, don't do that!" Followed by the ultimate command, "NO talking!"

Of course that didn't stop the (minimal) chatter or the giggles from her kids. As the cashier finished bagging my groceries, we heard mom utter "no" at least another dozen times. The kids were never loud nor did they leave their mom's bubble. They remained smiling and upbeat but mom was stern and throwing out "no-bombs" every other breath.

The kids were not defiant or bratty. They were just kids. Kids move and kids chatter. Mom has already used up her lifetime clout for the word "no" and neither one of them is any where near the teen years. By over-using and misapplying this word, the kids have become desensitized to it. And sadly, they don't respect their mother because of it. Now she is the fun-buster who continues to show them that she doesn't understand kids and wants to control every aspect of their lives - including how they stand in line.

Parents - please do teach your children how to stand in line by not intruding on other's body space or touching goods for sale you aren't buying. Please do teach your children to stand near you and use quiet voices. And please, please please teach your children that in North America when you walk store aisles you do so on the right and do not block other customers. But there is no need to order your children to stand completely still and not utter a peep. What's next? Telling them what to think?

And, when you teach them you demonstrate and use simple words in a pleasant tone.  You say "We stand like this in line" or "We only touch things we are buying" or "Thanks for standing near me". We don't start anything with the word "No" unless their life is at risk. Yes, we can answer a request with the word no, that's different that starting a sentence with it - especially one we are using to train our kids.

Remember to use age-appropriate phrases in a tone expecting they will comply. When you show the level of your frustration, you invite them to test you by continuing. A gently phrased statement works wonders. All this mom needed to do was say, "We are keeping our arms to ourselves. Tommy will you come next to me please?" That interrupts the antsy behavior and reduces the possibility of escalation. She could even ruffle his hair with a loving gesture when he complied.

If the kids were those terrors we often see, mom should leave the store and the costume behind, simply telling the cashier she is sorry her kids were being disrespectful and there would be no shopping today. The drive home should be silent. No ranting. And the next time mom goes to the store, the kids do not have the privelidge of coming along.

Everywhere you go is an opportunity to model behavior and teach your children how to be a pleasant citzen. But they don't need lectures, and they don't need to be micromanaged. No, they don't.