The Perfect Family

This is a picture of the Cleaver family that I have in my office. I keep it as a reminder for two reasons. 1. Nostalgia - I grew up watching the Leave It To Beaver re-runs after school and there aren't too many moral witnesses today. 2. Nothing is perfect - and many people speak against this 1950's family presentation because everything just looked too good.

Perhaps because I grew up without moral coaching and parents overly focused on what our image would look like to others, I can identify in a skewed way with the "picture perfect" Cleaver family. My family really looked good on the outside. The difference is, in the show, the parents were not living for outside opinion and spent time with their kids --- even when the boys went upstairs and spent a lot of time in their room!

Like the Cleaver boys, I too spent a lot of growing up time in my room, but without that parental investment. Wally and Beaver had their own adventures, but they always focused on home and knew their parents were there with family values. Not just because it's what would look good, but because it was the moral thing to do.

Contrast my early experience and blend it with the Cleavers and you get a picture of my family now. While my family of origin lived for achievement, acquisition and public opinion, my family now lives to love God and others. We do not focus on ourselves nor do we care how we look to others. We do our best and leave it there.

My kids and their friends freely hang out with us and while they do retreat to their rooms, they know they are always invited to join us and that they do. Our focus on what things will look like to others centers around representing God well. We embrace the idea that we are who we are and chuckle that no one will always agree with what we do, look like or say. If our intent is God-focused, then so be it.

We don't have a custom home, name-brand car or a story to tell socially about our latest trip or purchase. No designer furniture or clothes or name-dropping here. In that respect, I am probably a huge disappointment to my parents. Funny thing, along the way I have met a range of people including corporate CEOs, artists, brilliant thinkers and talented leaders and creative ones. The only difference is that none of us exist to impress others and we all have experienced great connections as we value one another.

Gotta love honoring that ol' dignity!

Can We Go Back In Time?

When my daughter was three years old, she had an ear infection so I got to work from home that day. Rambunctious as usual, it took multiple trips up and down stairs to get this energized child to even think of napping. After about 30 minutes of silence, I tip-toed upstairs to check on my precious child.

As I opened her door, I was horrified to discover that I had left the new Tylenol bottle on her dresser. The childproof cap had not deterred her decision to "help Mommie" and "get better faster" by finishing off its contents. Her happy pink smeared smile greeted me as she clutched her big white teddy bear with the same spills on his face. The bottle of Children's Tylenol sat empty next to her bed.

As I stammered and gathered her into my arms to rush downstairs and call poison control, my eyes swept around the pink bedroom so carefully decorated by me and so fully occupied by my baby girl. Would this be the last time she would be here alive? My mind flipped back through memories of our normal life and clawed to have more, no matter how frustrating. Anything, all of it! I wanted her here with me alive.

We spent hours on the phone back and forth between poison control and her doctor, inducing vomit and praying like crazy. I will never forget that chilling time of waiting where I didn't know if I was still going to get to be a mother with my child living on earth. The cold awareness that there are no guarantees engulfed me like a shroud.

Fast forward... recently a dear family lost their baby boy at just 22 weeks in the womb. Another family lost a one-year old baby just days after a healthy check-up. Another family is down at Mayo Clinic waiting for the doctors to figure out what is poisoning their toddler. On and on the stories go. I think of each of them and ache.

I remember the fleeting moments with my child that chilling day where I wished we could go back in time and get away from this horrible moment of reality. Just one hour would remove the Tylenol scare.

But we can't go back, as much as we would like to especially when the story does not end well. Just one blink of time can change our lives forever.

When I think about this, I become more in awe of how precious time is, and how I do not want to take any of it for granted. We don't need a big trip to Disney World to make an important memory or have a special moment together with our families. The little moments are precious, regardless of what we are doing. And each one we have is a gift of time from God.

How to Help Kids Move Near or Far

Recently, I told someone I was a "professional new person" because I had moved so many times and had been the new one at church often. I've moved locally and I've moved states. As an adult, I love, love, love change! I rearrange as often as possible. My hair color is frequently tweaked. That got me thinking about navigating change, and how important it is the younger the child.

When our son was younger, he needed to know what was coming during each section of a single day. He wanted to know what to expect and that gave him comfort. Change can be about a move, but it can also be about a life transition. I will talk from the viewpoint of moving, but points are applicable to anything that shakes up what has come to be the usual routine. It's all about keeping kids feeling as secure as possible when a move comes up.

1. Let the kids know ahead of time what is coming down the pike...in small chunks. Almost a year before we moved across country, we would ask our 1st grade son every once in awhile if he would like to live with a flat yard where he could play outside. Be upbeat, be brief, then drop it. We'd just say we liked that idea, too and we would try and work on that.

2. When it comes time to move, involve the kids in packing up. Give them a box and some paper to wrap their stuff. Show them what you want them to pack, then step aside. You might say something like "pack up all your American Girl dolls like this". Help them label and tape their box and affirm their work. If they are older, show them how to build and tape the box from start to finish.

3. Involve the kids in any moving sales. Negotiate what money they can keep based on what they choose to sell. I blew it with my first big move and let my 8-year-old daughter sell a special gift she had received as a baby (ooops) plus all her Barbies because I was distracted and she wanted money. All $5.

4. Help the kids see the big picture. The map! Pictures of the new house. Floor plans you sketch. If you are driving, give them a highlighter so they can can mark off the miles along the way. Have them take pictures on the trip that they can make into a poster or scrapbook.

5. Let your imagination run wild. Have the kids write a story based upon their favorite toy's perspective of the move. (I wrote a story for our son about our move) Have a special party with good friends. Affirm the current friendships.

6. Once you are in your new home, unpack the kids room(s) first, then the kitchen. The kids need to be anchored. Then you need a central zone to operate from. Everything else falls in after that. Let the kids pick how they want their rooms arranged or painted. Have some things set aside for them to play with while you unpack the kitchen so you can remember where you put that food chopper or the glasses. (I like the "Unpack Me First Box" with the basics we all look for right away from toilet paper and soap to Post-Its or you fill in the blank...)

7. There are a number of ways to assimilate into the new community. Find the local schools, begin visiting churches. Register your kids for community sports - even if they have never tried them before. Look for a MOPS Group (Mothers of Preschoolers) or MITI Group (Moms in Touch Int'l prayer group) though the local schools. Volunteer in the community. (My daughter and I became docents at a small museum in the Gold Rush area.) Find a Kids Bible Club or summer camp. Volunteer in classrooms at school or in church. Take weekly exploratory drives to see what's out there.

8. Overall, the more frank and positive the parents are, the better the kids will deal with any change. Affirm the kids' comments and adjustments and pray together as a family. Let the kids hear you look to God.

9. Encourage friendships old and new. Plan a visit from old friends. Help your kids find ways to invite possible new friends to do something. We have had parties for no reason with silly games and make-your-own mini pizzas. We've invited the whole neighborhood to BBQ or roast marshmallows.

10. Keep taking the pulse. Be on top of what your kids are thinking, feeling and experiencing. Whether you go on a walk, get some yogurt from the local shop or sit and talk, determine to know how your kids are processing what is going on.

I have been moving since the 3rd grade and don't have the history many others have of living near life-long friends or family. A huge move my family made was in the middle of my junior year in high school. While it was hard at the time, I loved what I learned in our new region and was more prepared to go off to college than most of my classmates who had yet to experience any big change.

Because of my moves, I feel that I have been strong at coaching our kids when we have moved anywhere. They have both landed well. Our daughter is "out of the nest" and already has some big moves of her own under her belt and plunges into her new communities and makes a difference. What more is there than that? Helping our kids to know they can go anywhere and value others and give back. Count me in!

They used to call this "blooming where you are planted". I like that.

Reflections on Gen XYZABC

Pondering some of the things that kids born after 2000 will never know thanks or no thanks to our culture...

- Waiting to watch summer reruns in order to catch a missed TV show

- What a home phone/land line is

- What it's like to lay on your back in the grass, look up and imagine "cloud sculptures"

- Marriage is sacred

- Songs decrying murder and hate were once unheard of, much less grammy-worthy

- Cheating on a test used to be one of the worst things a kid could do

- "Friend" used to be the kid down the street not all the people you "know" online

- Starting the school day with the Pledge of Allegiance

- Trophies and Awards used to be awarded based on actual performance

- Using a computer meant you sat down and dialed up, not reaching into your pocket

- Halloween was a blip on the calendar, not marketed for 3 months ahead of time

- Christmas was about Christ's birth first, Santa was just in the mall

- Bullying was localized at school, not permeating every aspect of your life

- Everyone held the door for the person coming after you

Every Girl Should Own at Least One

American Girls!

Hats off to Pleasant Rowland who created an entire industry celebrating what it is like for a young girl to grow up with wholesome influences. The company has been around long enough to have young mothers now purchasing dolls for their daughters. It was sold to Mattel a few years back and continues to thrive.

What is so special about these expensive dolls?

First of all, they are so durable they are worth the price that has nudged upward only a tad since my girl got her first American Girl in Kindergarten. Secondly, the dolls are meant to be played with and endure some wear and tear.

AG started with historical dolls, each one representing a time in America's development. It was a big deal for my daughter when Addy (above) was introduced. Other dolls include immigrants from England, Scandinavia. Other girls represent Native Americans, Spanish Americans, World War II, The 70's, etc. Later on, they introduced dolls that can "copy you". Choices as specific as a Starbucks coffee.

What makes these dolls so wonderful is the beautiful catalog where mother and daughter and grandmother can sit and oooooh and ahhhhh together. Moms can re-visit childhood and daughters or granddaughters can enjoy time to appreciate the details (look at Molly's working radio! Kirsten's sweater!).

This is my favorite and recommended investment for any parent or grandparent with a girl in Kindergarten on up. You can't go wrong celebrating history or bringing in another conversation piece. I am thrilled that my very own American Girl loved this venue til she was 13! The dolls, accessories, magazine and entire experience helped shaped our daughter's early life. Birthday gifts, allowance and Christmas money all focused on her AG collection. The entire family enjoyed the quality and message.

Little did we know we would live near a destination store one day!

After her wedding, one of the first things our girl searched for at our home were her AG doll boxes to bring to her new home.

Talk about life-impacting!