The Blessing

One of the best books for parents I’ve ever read is The Blessing, co-authored by Dr. John Trent and Gary Smalley. It was published in the 1980’s and is still in print today. It is well worth your investment if you have any hurt from your own upbringing that you feel prohibits you from being the best parent you can be with your own children or grands.

This book is based on the Old Testament concept where the parents pass on a special blessing to their children. The blessing is long-awaited and highly valued. In today’s terms I’d call it envisioning a special future and verbalizing that deeply held belief to your child in such a way that they feel your encouragement and love enfolding them.

The premise of the book is that everyone desires and needs a blessing, and answers the painful question of how a parent can give a blessing even if they never received one. It helps the reader see why their parents may have been unable to give a blessing and walks you through a release process. Once the past has been dealt with, the book encourages parents how to communicate and share the blessing with their own children.

Invaluable tool and eye-opening, this book reminds us about how important it is to parent without excuses as much as possible. If we focus on not forgiving our parent’s failings, in some way we will weigh down our children and thus burden them unintentionally.

I can’t recommend this book more highly. Read it! Read it with friends and then talk about it in groups. You won’t be sorry and you will be giving your children a huge gift: a blessing from the bottom of your heart.

www.amazon.com

Lowering the Bar

Did you hear about the Florida school with the poor test scores? They decided to change the grading system so that scores would look better. Talk about lowering the bar! What if they accepted the scores and worked for future improvement with the students?

Sadly, most of our culture seems to cater to a weaker standard rather than have the courage to stand up for excellence. It is okay to be great at something, but today's kids get the message that everyone is equal in every way.

Yes, everyone is equal in the eyes of God. He loves us all the same. Amazing... but that's another blog. However, we are not all equally gifted, and that is not only a fact, it must be accepted by parents and kids. Some are math geniuses or Olympians. Some are scholars or cutting-edge inventors. Some are artists or chefs. Etc...

I believe there is something special that each person can bring to the table, but we are not all equally skilled or talented. (Ask me to run and you'll have a perfect example. Just kindly laugh underneath the paper bag that had better be on your head.)

A "certificate of participation" is a waste of paper, but a certificate underscoring work over and above expectations is valuable. A trophy for everyone? OK in kindergarten. Not keeping score so that everyone feels good? Devaluing. Does everyone get a scholarship or win a Pulitzer?

The sooner we teach our kids the real story in the face of our culture, the better off they will be. Don't you want them to come home and tell you the beautiful certificate in their backpack was given to everyone and to throw it away? I do. I also want my kids to know when they have really excelled.

In a world that is constantly lowering the bar so that "everyone feels special", I am a rebel. Standards should not be on a sliding scale based upon the audience. They should be constant and measurable. I don't want an "A" because I am a tall Norwegian, I want an "A" because I earned it.

It's Called C-H-A-R-A-C-T-E-R

This week The Barna Group released its top five factors Americans will consider this November when casting their vote for president. I was happy to see that among the various demographic categories (evangelical, mainline, unbelieving) character matters. It's the number two factor right behind where the candidates stand on the issues.

A few weeks ago, a former 2008 presidential candidate's trial began. He is accused of misappropriating campaign funds to hide his pregnant mistress from his dying wife. If the prosecutors have their way, he will end up in prison for several decades. The pundits argue that if he had no knowledge of how funds were disbursed, then the fact that the funds were used to keep his adultery a secret doesn't stand up. Being callous toward his ill wife is no one's business, and not a factor in this case. What he does in his personal life is completely separate from his public life.

The answer I yelled at the TV was:"It's called CHARACTER, people!!" Character is not something we put on and take off like a pair of shoes. It's not something we choose to do sometimes and choose not to do at others. Character is intricately entwined with who we are. If we cheat, we cheat. It does not matter where. It means we are a cheater. If we lie, we are liars. If we are only nice in public and horrible to our loved ones in private, we are frauds.

Noah Webster's 1828 Dictionary defines character as follows:"The peculiar qualities, impressed by nature or habit on a person, which distinguish him from others; these constitute real character, and the qualities which he is supposed to possess, constitute his estimated character or reputation. Hence we say, a character is not formed, when the person has not acquired stable and distinctive qualities."

Parents have 18 years with their kids. The first 8 to teach and guide, the next 10 to coach and influence. Everything we do models life for them, whether we intend it as an educational moment or not. What do our kids think when they see us litter? Belittle a sales clerk? Scream at another driver? What do our kids think when they see us bringing dinner to someone or volunteering? Our choices matter. Little eyes and big ears are right there 24/7.

Don't you wonder what kind of messages that 2008 candidate got while he was growing up? That certain things are okay if it means you get your way? I wonder what messages his children (all of them) are getting today.

Sorry pundits, it does matter that a husband honors his wife. His wife remained gracious and dignified when this story exploded and in my opinion, died a woman of honor. Now that's character.

Bye-Bye Mr. Balloon!

Restaurants and stores love to give small children balloons. They're kind of like bubbles and fun to bat around, aren't they? One inexpensive way to see little eyes brighten with delight.

When my girl was about 20 months old, she was given her very first balloon at the grocery store. Ohhh, she was so thrilled! Being my first baby, I was just as happy. She was sitting in the kid seat in the grocery cart as we pushed our purchases out to the car. We had not yet learned the importance of loosely tying the balloon ribbon to her wrist or ankle.

As we opened the trunk and began unloading the cart, her beloved first balloon escaped her grasp. Her eyes widened as she watched the prize she had only had for a few minutes float up and away.

In that split second, I knew how I reacted would set the stage for other small disappointments, and I didn't want her to be sad. So, I began clapping wildly and jumping with excitement, waving "Bye-Bye Mr. Balloon!! Bye-Bye!!!" Who knows what the other customers in the parking lot thought? My girl began gleefully laughing and waving bye-bye, too. She had more fun watching the balloon "go see the world" than holding it close. For all she knew, a balloon's job was to depart... or pop.

Yup, the first time a balloon popped on her that was really fun, too.

So, there's two things both my kids haven't cried about. Don't worry, there were others, but at least they are okay with balloons.

Kid Logic

When my girl was about 8, we had just settled down to watch a movie when the FBI warning scrolled across the screen. "Mom, what is that Fibble Warning for, anyway?"

"The what??"

"That - right there," she pointed to the screen. "The Fibble Warning."

I explained that it was an "i" and not an "L". F-B-I. She laughed heartily at herself and I still can't see that logo without remembering when I first heard about the Fibble Warning. In fact, that's all it really is to me now.

As long as she'd been watching videos and movies, she had seen the "warning" and then went on her way coloring, playing or watching not sure what it was for, but certain it must be important because there certainly were a lot of them.

One day a Sunday School Leader was eagerly sharing with a group of about 45 elementary kids that we are all "heirs of the King." Over and over he repeated this important message with the biggest smile. The King is God and we are his heirs! Yippie!! I was sitting in the back enjoying the class time when it occurred to me that the kids might not know what the definition of "heirs" was. I signaled the teacher. He immediately asked the class what they thought "heir" meant.

We heard answers like "Stuff you do wrong" and "Mistakes you make". Nothing even close to the real meaning! For twenty minutes they had seen their leader practically dance with excitement and thought he was excited because we are mistakes!

Of course we fixed that, pronto. But it makes me wonder how many other "definitions" are out there that kids have self-defined and perhaps don't even think about asking for help decoding? In my work with hundreds of kids over the past chunk of years, I venture to say there are a lot more unknown ones out there.

I think it's our job as parents to learn how to think like our kids. Enter in any way we can and be sure their inner dictionaries have the right definitions. Sometimes they will let us know, like the Fibble Warning, and we can explain the reality. Other times we're going to have to ask, like when the Sunday School class thought they should be excited to be "errors of the King."

Tip of the day: Answer a question with a question. "You think that is the Fibble Warning because?" Then you won't sound like an interrogator. And be sure not to have a bright ceiling light on and use your relaxed voice. After all, they didn't do anything wrong - they just didn't understand.

Can Your Kid Ride an Elevator?

The other day I was attending a meeting in a conference room inside a local hospital. I was directed to the Heron Room on the lower level and gestured toward the elevator bank. Once inside, I looked for the button that would represent that floor. Since there wasn't an "L", I tried the "1" because in some buildings I've seen that button mean the lowest level. The doors reopened on my current floor as if to say guess again. My only other option that I saw was a button labeled "-1". Presto! Down I went. When the doors opened after my -1 descent, a large glass sign with a giant "L" greeted me.

This got me thinking. Having developed my abstract-thinking skills I was able to decode the road blocks and get to my destination. It took a few attempts, because things were not laid out as clearly as anticipated. I knew that "lower level" meant below. I knew that sometimes "1" meant lower. When I didn't find a logical button to push, I tried again and hit the jackpot with "-1". Being welcomed with the giant "L" sign merely gave me a chuckle and revealed that the project planning had not included a final meeting with the person ordering the signs and the one installing the elevator.

Look how many steps it took for an adult to ride the elevator. And, how many logical steps had to be by-passed in order for me to achieve my simple objective of arriving in the Heron room on time?

How would a concrete-thinking kid handle all of this? Could you tell your child, "Go down to the L level and I'll meet you there"? What would they do when there wasn't an "L" to choose on the elevator panel?

I think we need to coach our kids in the unexpected "-1" thinking. More than teaching the steps, we need to teach the why behind the steps. This will serve them far better as they navigate the unexpected or possibly an emergency in life.

When our girl was 14, we flew her across country to visit family friends. She had a layover on the return trip and was told the final flight home had been cancelled. Rather than say "oh" and sit down in wonder, she looked the agent in the eyes and said, "I need you to do whatever it takes to get me home tonight." She was polite, had a big smile and arrived home only 3 hours late. Not bad for her first solo flight.

Something tells me that she would've found the -1 button that day, too.

I've Never Been A Facebook Parent Before

So here I am, this seasoned children and family pastor. The one with all the personal life stories because I've mostly been there, done that. That fierce mama-pastor who has loved on hundreds of families over 14 years in ministry...

But, guess what? I've never been a mom in the FB generation. ACK Lately I hear myself say the things I tell other parents not to say. Even worse, I hear myself asking the dreaded "yes/no" questions!!

Just today I yelped out to our son; "So How come you didn't tell us you were F B O??"

His calm answer,"Because I knew you would do this."

Just this morning I was coaching in a parenting workshop I created. They love it and so do I! Bring it home... In my love and parenting of an incredible son, I find I am stumbling and doing all the dorky off-putting things I tell others not to do.

I did not know that when one posts on FB "in relationship" that it isn't bad if the other person isn't named. Or if they don't post back soon. In our son's case, his FBO gal has a problem with her internet but she is in agreement as of this afternoon while I was napping and he was changing his status. As that fierce mama, I just didn't want my boy's heart out there without some level of reciprocation.

Note to self and other parents: Remember, we cannot control after a certain age... but we sure can guide...

The Worst Parenting Response Ever

This entry is from my personal diary

An amicably divorced father of a grown daughter age 24 got a middle of the night call that she’d been arrested for DUI the night before Thanksgiving. Mercifully, no one or thing had been hurt. Because of the holiday, she was being held until Friday before she could be bailed out of jail.

The father and daughter had been invited to longtime family friends for Thanksgiving, but because his daughter was in jail and he had missed some sleep visiting her that morning, he determined not to go to the dinner. He tried to have another relative make his excuses (but not to share the real reason because it would embarrass his jailed daughter). The relative declined to take on the assignment and the father made his own regrets.

Rather than be concerned about his daughter’s conduct or safety, he focused on the good spirits she was in and visited her twice on Thanksgiving. The next day, he bailed her out of jail and he and her mother cooked an entire Thanksgiving dinner to make up for the one their daughter had missed the day before. Remember, these people are divorced so their girl missed two.

Both of my kids react in horror at this scenario. They know me well. They know these people. Each of them have told me at separate times, “Don’t worry Mom, I know if I go to jail you wouldn’t bail me out…and you wouldn’t visit me, either.” Especially if they went to jail for the same circumstances – they could wait and wait to be freed but I’m not going to enable them. And recreate a holiday meal they missed due to their own illegal actions? Not a chance!

That 24-year-old carelessly took lives of others in her hands. It is a miracle that no one was harmed. I’ve tried to raise my kids to realize others exist and to act with regard for all human life. If they don’t, they experience the consequence of that poor decision. No make-up feasts from me, certainly no fixing their mistakes. My love is about truth and taking responsibility for what we do.

Sadly, the above parents continued to cover and minimize reality some 6 years later. Their child has been crippled by her parents' main plan to cover up rather than coach. She is unable to function autonomously, much less contribute to the world. But continues to party on and look good on Face Book.