Please Don't Tell Your Kids Uncle Elroy is Watching From Heaven

And he didn't turn into an angel, either.

I can't count the number of people I have met that have taught their children that a dead relative is "watching them from Heaven". Kids not even born when the relative died grow up worshipping the mystery that was the one their parent still misses. Sometimes there is a big picture posted, sometimes there is a shrine of stuff the kid can ogle.

Parents tutoring their kid about the "eyes in the sky" also school their kids on birthdays and anniversaries - including the death - of their love lost. Visits to the cemetary even with a toddler are not uncommon.

It's one thing to teach our children how special someone was in our lives. That's carrying on a legacy. I've done that with my children. It's quite another to raise the value of the dearly departed to a saint.

I appreciate a good children's story like anyone else, but it is important not to fictionalize reality. Just like using proper terms for body parts and functions, I believe we should not complicate truth about life and death.

If you are a Christ-follower, the good news is that you will see your loved one again one day when you go to Heaven. But nowhere in the Bible does it say that anyone in Heaven can peek down on us. The Bible does teach us that God knows all things and that Jesus is at his right hand. It also teaches us that the Holy Spirit is interpreting our prayers. From that we can conclude that Jesus has our backs when we navigate life on Earth. Therefore, He knows how much we miss our loved one. He is the source of our comfort in our earthly loss - not the relative in Heaven.

Please don't let your children think that God took away your loved one. He did not. Their time on earth ended, and sometimes we don't know why or can't comprehend it. That is not something to burden your child with. Children need to know that God is God, no matter what happens and that he loves all of us. He does not cause us harm, only hope.

One of my friends lost her father as small child. Instead of telling her he died, she was told he "was asleep". For years afterwards, guess who was afraid of bedtime?

It is one thing to lovingly remember your loved one and quite another to insert their memory into everyday life. Everyone has a different way of handling their grief. If you remember that it is your loss - not theirs - you can be comforted. They are now healed and established in Heaven. They now know more than earthly ol' you.

When my daughter lost her father, we read through a great book called Someone I Love Died. 
It gave her a chance to sweetly reflect on him and who he was to her. We had the poster up for a few months until I could see she was moving on. I affirmed her memories and occaisionally reminisced about something fun. She knew he was in Heaven, living with Jesus. As time marched on, I would tell her that her father would have been proud for (fill in the blank). I viewed my job as giving her the tools to process on her own.

If you have treasured memories of grandma, please do share them with your children. Just don't take a two-year-old to her gravesite and sit and cry. They just see you sitting on the ground, they don't understand and never knew them. That is not a healthy way to get to know her.

Your kids are going to follow your lead. So if you find yourself making your loved one a daily conversation after a few months, it may be time to seek some grief counseling. Your job is to live as fully as possible while on earth, contribution in healthy ways to the good of your family and world. If you are so caught up with the one long gone, you aren't living to up to capacity and worse- you could be damaging your children in the process.

My Favorite Parenting Word

Oh how I love this word!

It is simple, empathetic and discussion-ending.

It is powerful and does not presume to solve the situation.

It is empowering and applicable to many situations we find ourselves in as we struggle to raise a generation that becomes personally responsible.

I learned this when my first born was eight and still believe this was one of the best parenting words ever created.

You can use it with toddlers. You can use it with teens. You can use it with kids in-between. (Oh hey do I ever feel like Doctorette Suess with that one!)

Both parents can use this word. (Even better.) And most importantly, the tone that you use is what makes it so effective. You have to, absolutely have to sound as chipper and upbeat as possible. Make eye contact when you use it and give a slight nod. They'll know you care. Sometimes you might be carrying the laundry basket and you can also toss this word over your shoulder as you continue down the hall. Whatever you do, do not have your kid sit across you at the table and attempt to hold some hearing. This word is too special to waste during a lecture (which you should really avoid, anyway. They're not listening, just waiting for you to end it.)

There are many scenarios where you can use this beloved word. It is always your reply to your kid's comment. Here are sample comments we've all heard. Your answer will always be this one amazing word:

"I forgot to bring home the parent permission slip."
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"I can't find my mittens."
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"I was late so they didn't let me."
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"I was going to get to that."
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"I hate what you made for dinner."
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"I don't want to [insert complaint here]"
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"I wanted one more chance."
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"I was cold without my coat."
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"I don't know what the homework is."
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"I'm tired."
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"But I'm not ready to go."
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"I don't know where my clean underwear is."
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By now you get the idea. By using this word you aren't lecturing or advising. The reality of the situation is causing your child to see that their choices had something to do with what happened. If they choose not to wear socks, their ankles just might get cold in January. But they won't die. So don't argue. When they come home and whine, you shrug. And follow up with the magic word:

"Bummer."

I promise it works. Not only are my own kids living proof, so are the hundreds of other kids I've coached. The key is to be quiet after you say it. Resist the urge to go on and on. "Bummer" says more than any speech. Unless of course they were shoplifting. But that's for another blog.