Overheard at Target

In Target, my favorite endcap display is the one that says “As Seen on TV” and has all the gagets and gizmos offered for sale on TV if you just call an 800 number. Yet here they are and I didn’t have to make a call!

Well, here are some actual comments I’ve heard from parents directed at their kids:

“You just can’t be good, can you?!!”

“Stop it, I mean it, stop it. That’s the 10th time I’ve said this so STOP IT!!!”

“Now you can’t have your birthday party!!”

“How many times do I have to tell you this!!!”

“You just don’t want to listen, do you???”

“Your father should not have let you do that, he’s wrong.”

“You are a bad girl/boy!!!”

“Kid for sale!”

“You two are such brats, shut up!!!”

“I can’t WAIT til you go back to school!!”

“She’s a terror.”

“I will take away your Christmas presents.”

“You can’t ever have ice cream again.”

“How many times have I told you to leave your boots by the door???!”

Most of these comments were made under duress. Many of them were made in public as a frazzled parent was pushing a grocery cart with several kids in tow. I have noticed that the children do not react to these comments, which tells me they are not new. And of course there will still be Christmas presents.

Empty threats. We might as well just recite the Periodic Table, that doesn’t make sense to little kids, either.

Here’s a way to de-personalize teaching opportunities – omit the personal pronouns. Instead of “You go put your boots away!” calmly state: “The boots belong by the door.” Carry this further: “Feet go on the floor” (resist following that by “not on the furniture”), “Dirty dishes go in the sink”, “China is not touched”, “Inside voices inside the store”, “The water bucket stays outside”. Short, simple and instructional. Say it in a non-negotiable, calm voice as if the entire solar system follows this procedure. Expect the kids to follow through.

If you are teaching public behavior in the store, then I would add a “we”. “We stay by the cart (or in the cart) in the store. We listen to mom.” (Then if they don’t, do the thing I mentioned in an earlier blog and promptly leave the store. Do not check out or finish shopping.) I used to let my kids pick out a couple of food items during a grocery store trip. They could not exceed our limit, and learned to self-edit or replace items if they wanted something different from another aisle. “Can I just have this?” “Sure, just put something else back.” The thinking and selection was up to them, not for me to narrate.

Every once in awhile I hear a parent encouraging their kids in public. Here is where I would use the personal pronouns big time to affirm positive behaviors or decisions. “You are doing a great job of standing in the hotdog line.” “That was so thoughtful the way you held your sister’s hand.” “Thanks for staying so close to me while we walk through the parking lot.” “You listened so well, way to go!!” “Wow, thanks for holding the door for us” “You were so polite, awesome job buddy!”

The point is to affirm the act, not the person. If we tell our kids “Mommy loves you because you stood in line so well,” that places the condition of love on their appropriate response and they might not always respond correctly. Better to say “Mommy loves you all the time”, period and save the affirmation of the act for a separate sentence. Little kids are very literal. When we were moving and told our six year old son we would be taking his room, he wondered how the room would fit on the truck and attach itself to the new house. Simple, short sentences work best. “Every THING inside your room will come to the new house.”

If you have ever been that empty-threat parent described above, it is never too late to sit with your kids and apologize for the words you have used and ask for their forgiveness. Then ask God to do some erasing of those memories and move on.

Not My Daughter

The divorce of a major celebrity couple has been at the top of the media radar for the past few weeks. While a celebrity divorce is nothing new, the suggestion that the mother was leaving because of the potential faith influence of her husband is. Now that the little girl is six, mom decided to take action.

I say she is seven years late for two reasons.

1. Before considering marriage the single most important thing a couple must agree on is their faith. They cannot sweep this aside not only because it is at the very core of each one of us, but when children are added to the family this issue is heightened. Sure, you may be able to limp around with varying degrees of disagreement before you create life, but once you become a parent, your responsibility compounds. You are modeling life to an impressionable one created if not physically by you, certainly born in your heart. Both husband and wife must be on the same page spiritually. I will not perform a wedding if the couple is not in agreement because it is the number one recipe for disaster, and I don't want to be part of a disaster that is known up front.

Yes, there are other topics couples must also agree on ahead of time, but if you go bankrupt and don't share a common faith, where is your peace and comfort going to come from? God is the source of all, first and foremost. Then all the other stuff like career, sex, hobbies, hair color.

2. The Barna group conducted a survey a couple of years ago with startling results. I have served on several church staffs since then and no one but me gets really alarmed. Those who know me hear me talk about this survey all the time. The bottom line is that a child's spiritual foundation is formed by the age of 9. The little girl in the picture is 6. That means there are just three more years to help her form her life's framework through which she will filter everything related to God.

This does not mean that our kids can't learn more, for surely they will if we are doing it right. It just means the filter is set. It doesn't mean that kids whose families do not expose them to faith opportunities are forever penalized in the future... but it does mean that there is more work to do. God will help us with that. But what if we all acted like the first 9 years of a child's life were spiritually essential? What would the church look like if together we all placed children as the number one priority?

So, if the mother is leaving to save her child's spiritual life, she has now involved a family split on top of the next three years of spiritual influence. Both parents have their work cut out for them because the courts are not going to get in the middle of what one defines as their faith. (At least not yet.) Now this little girl will be exposed to not only two different life styles like most children of divorce, her young mind that isn't capable of abstract thinking is up for spiritual grabs. I hope that she has many people in her life praying for her heart. She didn't choose what she got into, but her parents sure did.

Oh, to think ahead and teach our children how to see the world through the eyes of what has eternal value and not the fleeting excitement of today.

Let's Have A Longer School Year

Just the other day I heard that there is some legislative discussion to lengthen the American school year. The reasoning is three-fold: kids in other countries score better, American kids are forgetting too much over the summer and finally, while they are busy forgetting, they are getting fat.

Hmmm.

I think the school DAY is too long, not to mention an entire school YEAR. The school system with its mandated number of days, attendance and hours required is based upon herding large groups of people to and fro, getting their attention and then teaching. As a mom who home schooled both kids for chunks of time, I can attest that we did not need to include classroom transition, getting everyone's attention or ensuring that 27 others also understood something before we proceeded. By eliminating this lost teaching time, and teaching specifically to the personality and strength of each child, we made the most of each day and our school days did not need to be 7 hours long for me to believe "learning" had taken place.

Everyone needs a break from what they are doing so that they can be refreshed. In the past hundred years, American kids get the summer off. Workers look forward to 2 whole weeks off. Presidents golf. I don't fault any of this. When I worked in an office and stared at a computer screen all day I was told to get up every 45 minutes. When I was in college, I pioneered the idea of "taking a break" to an extreme, but the point is real - our brains need a break while assimilating new information.

A break does not mean sitting on the couch eating potato chips for hours, it simply means a break from what you were doing. I have had many little "work starters". The things I do while fully invested in a work project but use to deflect my mind for a bit. I play games and return to the project at hand refreshed and ready to tackle more mental challenges. My current "work starter" favorite is crocheting. While I am "not working" and developing finger callouses from yarn, my mind is tracing and moving in ways not used when I am reading or speaking or on my laptop. When I jump back in, I am crisper and ready to go for another long stretch.

Summer is a time for camps, vacations, jobs if you are old enough, and family. This is all educational. When I was at camp, I learned a craft. On vacation, I learned how to meet other people from around the country. I still refer to the learning experiences of my very first jobs. Everything we do and experience is about learning. Learning is not limited to a school day during a certain month.

And... what about all the things that happen after school? Just because they are not under the umbrella of a school system does not mean these experiences are not educational. Sports, volunteering, music, arts, clubs and yes, even good old play. That thing where you use your imagination - not a controller - and don't wait for something to do the thinking for you. The list goes on and on.

I know people who work 7 hours and get an A. I know people who work 3 hours and get an A. Is the "A" measured by the time it took to get there, or the final product?

The real problem is the American attitude about education, not how long the school year is. If our nation thinks it is about time spent at something "or else", we are too ignorant for our own good and will sit around and get fat, we are missing it. If our nation thinks it is all about competing with other countries so we should be looking over our shoulders and seeing what we can do to catch up, we are really missing it.

What happened to a defined educational plan and instilling the idea that it is an honor to be able to learn? That being educated is not a fill-in-the-blank process with easy answers? That an education is personal and has to be earned? Cheating only works for awhile. Learning how to learn lasts for a lifetime. So, I guess I did just vote to extend the school year...

The End of An Era

It finally happened. My youngest got their driver's license, passing his test the first time out. We were so focused on his last Behind The Wheel drive, the test the next day and going on a vacation the next day I didn't stop to think about what this milestone in his life means to me.

Because my kids are 10 years apart, every time something big happened to Big Sister, I could rejoice fully with her, because I still "had backup". Our little guy was so much younger that I didn't even blink! Her milestones were "firsts" for her... and for us.

Now that Number Two is 16, we are facing his firsts but they are also now our lasts. Now that we are back from vacation and he has driven off so comfortably and capably to a friend's house, I am having a big hit of what I call a "sissy mommie moment." I treasure everything that happens in my kids lives in my heart. Each bullet item is extra special. Sometimes that's as far as it goes, sometimes they see me giddy with glee for them.

With Number Two's licensing, I am no longer his driver. I am no longer going to be texted to find out when I can get there to pick him up. No longer will I spend extra time on the road going back and forth and back and forth. I am no longer going to drop him off and watch him walk into a building before I drive away. It's over, gulp. This is even harder because he was so appreciate of his rides - like how we would take a day off to drive him 90 minutes away to his favorite local ski area. Now he is appreciative and earnest about asking for the use of a car and even goes so far as to be sure to know what time I will need it in order to get it back in time.

So, another era is over in our parenting journey just as another era has begun in our son's life journey. Tears for growing up too quickly and a couple more for what a great man he is working on becoming. It's our milestone, too.

There's Not Too Many of These Heros Left

Today marks the passing of an American television icon known for family values and programs that entire generations could watch together. I grew up watching the reruns of The Andy Griffith Show and loved the simple story lines that emphasized life's simple experiences. By the end of each episode, somebody had learned something that enhanced their character.

One of my favorite episodes is when young son Opie (who could roam the town each day because it was safe) met a "magic man" with a "shiney hat" who "jingled from the tree tops". When he shared this at family dinner with Pa and Aunt Bea, no one would believe him. For the next few days, Opie continued to meet his friend, the telephone lineman with the metal safety hat and all his tools dangling from his tool belt. Each night, the earnest son tried to share about his new friend with his family. And each night Pa (Andy) became more angry at this outrageous tale. Finally, he sent Opie to his room for lying and was threatening further consequences if he would not confess. But Opie couldn't confess, because he wasn't lying. The show ends when Andy runs into the telephone lineman and is told what a great son he has. He was sick to learn he had been riding his son for days without really listening to him. His earnest apology and young son's wide-eyed forgiveness leaves the audience with something to think about in their own lives.

Another wonderful aspect about the show is that Andy was a strong, involved father. He was not a joke, he was not an idiot. He did his best and like any parent, sometimes made mistakes. He had the love and respect of his son and he was a strong leader. For some, this is as close as they come to seeing what that may look like.

While the show was simple, there were layers to it. A story writer's guideline that isn't followed very well any more is to "show" not "tell". The Andy Griffith Show did an excellent job of showing the audience and not spelling it out for them. This is something we can teach our children when they are learning creative writing.

It's time for me to rent as many seasons as I can find and start watching them with my family. Without commercials, it's 22 minutes of a visual that can be followed up with some gently guided discussion. Especially today when there is such an absence of solid character heroes on television, the up and coming generations need to see that it really does matter who you are from the inside out first.

We'll miss you, Andy. But thank you for your legacy.

Memory Markers

The Bible is full of references to markers that have been put in place so that all who pass by in the future will think about and honor what God had done in that special spot. This is a picture of Jacob's well where Jesus met the infamous "woman at the well". How significant that that encounter took place at such a memory-filled location so important in the Old Testament.

This gets me thinking. What if we do something like that within our own families? What if we mark events or dates and celebrate its wonder as a family? What a way to cement us together as the team you never get traded from!


Here are some things we have either celebrated or know people who have:

- Missing front teeth
- New Year's Eve as a family reviewing the year in pictures
- The First day of school (ice cream?)
- Turning 13 with a purity weekend away spent with a parent
- Learning to ride a bike (or skate, or climb, etc.)
- Learning a new skill (cooking, woodworking, etc.)
- Helping in the community as a family
- Teaching a pet to master a new trick
- Donating outgrown toys
- Starting high school
- Make annual birthday movies adding to them each year
- Paint a family mural
- Start a new family holiday tradition

The ideas are endless. The idea is that as you gather to remember and celebrate, you reinforce your family and pause to reflect on how God has been with you. The more you celebrate, the more opportunities you will have to delight in what God has done - both big and small. Talk about a living legacy!

Saying "I Love You" to Our Kids

By necessity, my firstborn learned to make her own lunch while in Kindergarten. I was a single working parent and we had to hop to it every morning to get the two of us where we needed to be by 8:30. I had all the fix'n's and she put the right combo together on the days we did not have her buy lunch.

Ten years later, her little brother followed in her footsteps and also made his own lunch on days he did not buy lunch at school.

The difference? Ten years later I wasn't alone fielding everything and could take some time every once in awhile to make a lunch and put some fun love into it. Our little guy still had the main job because I am all about coaching kids to be responsible.

But... every once in awhile, I surprised him with a lunch already made... and a funny face drawn on a hard-boiled egg. (I just "surprised" him yesterday although he hasn't seen the egg just yet.)

For my girl, packing a sticky note somewhere reached her. For my boy, making an egg looking crazy reached him. Both felt a special mama-love-message in the middle of the day.

As parents, we have a fabulous opportunity to find simple ways to show our kids we love them in different ages and stages. With our son, it's a favorite dinner and with our adult married daughter it's a shared recipe.

We are a vocal "I love you" family in addition to trying to show it in various tangible love languages. I encourage families to find ways to be sure their kids know they are loved. This is the best message we can ever communicate. And yup, it will leak out in ways that only our various personalities can demonstrate.

The Perfect Family

This is a picture of the Cleaver family that I have in my office. I keep it as a reminder for two reasons. 1. Nostalgia - I grew up watching the Leave It To Beaver re-runs after school and there aren't too many moral witnesses today. 2. Nothing is perfect - and many people speak against this 1950's family presentation because everything just looked too good.

Perhaps because I grew up without moral coaching and parents overly focused on what our image would look like to others, I can identify in a skewed way with the "picture perfect" Cleaver family. My family really looked good on the outside. The difference is, in the show, the parents were not living for outside opinion and spent time with their kids --- even when the boys went upstairs and spent a lot of time in their room!

Like the Cleaver boys, I too spent a lot of growing up time in my room, but without that parental investment. Wally and Beaver had their own adventures, but they always focused on home and knew their parents were there with family values. Not just because it's what would look good, but because it was the moral thing to do.

Contrast my early experience and blend it with the Cleavers and you get a picture of my family now. While my family of origin lived for achievement, acquisition and public opinion, my family now lives to love God and others. We do not focus on ourselves nor do we care how we look to others. We do our best and leave it there.

My kids and their friends freely hang out with us and while they do retreat to their rooms, they know they are always invited to join us and that they do. Our focus on what things will look like to others centers around representing God well. We embrace the idea that we are who we are and chuckle that no one will always agree with what we do, look like or say. If our intent is God-focused, then so be it.

We don't have a custom home, name-brand car or a story to tell socially about our latest trip or purchase. No designer furniture or clothes or name-dropping here. In that respect, I am probably a huge disappointment to my parents. Funny thing, along the way I have met a range of people including corporate CEOs, artists, brilliant thinkers and talented leaders and creative ones. The only difference is that none of us exist to impress others and we all have experienced great connections as we value one another.

Gotta love honoring that ol' dignity!

Can We Go Back In Time?

When my daughter was three years old, she had an ear infection so I got to work from home that day. Rambunctious as usual, it took multiple trips up and down stairs to get this energized child to even think of napping. After about 30 minutes of silence, I tip-toed upstairs to check on my precious child.

As I opened her door, I was horrified to discover that I had left the new Tylenol bottle on her dresser. The childproof cap had not deterred her decision to "help Mommie" and "get better faster" by finishing off its contents. Her happy pink smeared smile greeted me as she clutched her big white teddy bear with the same spills on his face. The bottle of Children's Tylenol sat empty next to her bed.

As I stammered and gathered her into my arms to rush downstairs and call poison control, my eyes swept around the pink bedroom so carefully decorated by me and so fully occupied by my baby girl. Would this be the last time she would be here alive? My mind flipped back through memories of our normal life and clawed to have more, no matter how frustrating. Anything, all of it! I wanted her here with me alive.

We spent hours on the phone back and forth between poison control and her doctor, inducing vomit and praying like crazy. I will never forget that chilling time of waiting where I didn't know if I was still going to get to be a mother with my child living on earth. The cold awareness that there are no guarantees engulfed me like a shroud.

Fast forward... recently a dear family lost their baby boy at just 22 weeks in the womb. Another family lost a one-year old baby just days after a healthy check-up. Another family is down at Mayo Clinic waiting for the doctors to figure out what is poisoning their toddler. On and on the stories go. I think of each of them and ache.

I remember the fleeting moments with my child that chilling day where I wished we could go back in time and get away from this horrible moment of reality. Just one hour would remove the Tylenol scare.

But we can't go back, as much as we would like to especially when the story does not end well. Just one blink of time can change our lives forever.

When I think about this, I become more in awe of how precious time is, and how I do not want to take any of it for granted. We don't need a big trip to Disney World to make an important memory or have a special moment together with our families. The little moments are precious, regardless of what we are doing. And each one we have is a gift of time from God.

How to Help Kids Move Near or Far

Recently, I told someone I was a "professional new person" because I had moved so many times and had been the new one at church often. I've moved locally and I've moved states. As an adult, I love, love, love change! I rearrange as often as possible. My hair color is frequently tweaked. That got me thinking about navigating change, and how important it is the younger the child.

When our son was younger, he needed to know what was coming during each section of a single day. He wanted to know what to expect and that gave him comfort. Change can be about a move, but it can also be about a life transition. I will talk from the viewpoint of moving, but points are applicable to anything that shakes up what has come to be the usual routine. It's all about keeping kids feeling as secure as possible when a move comes up.

1. Let the kids know ahead of time what is coming down the pike...in small chunks. Almost a year before we moved across country, we would ask our 1st grade son every once in awhile if he would like to live with a flat yard where he could play outside. Be upbeat, be brief, then drop it. We'd just say we liked that idea, too and we would try and work on that.

2. When it comes time to move, involve the kids in packing up. Give them a box and some paper to wrap their stuff. Show them what you want them to pack, then step aside. You might say something like "pack up all your American Girl dolls like this". Help them label and tape their box and affirm their work. If they are older, show them how to build and tape the box from start to finish.

3. Involve the kids in any moving sales. Negotiate what money they can keep based on what they choose to sell. I blew it with my first big move and let my 8-year-old daughter sell a special gift she had received as a baby (ooops) plus all her Barbies because I was distracted and she wanted money. All $5.

4. Help the kids see the big picture. The map! Pictures of the new house. Floor plans you sketch. If you are driving, give them a highlighter so they can can mark off the miles along the way. Have them take pictures on the trip that they can make into a poster or scrapbook.

5. Let your imagination run wild. Have the kids write a story based upon their favorite toy's perspective of the move. (I wrote a story for our son about our move) Have a special party with good friends. Affirm the current friendships.

6. Once you are in your new home, unpack the kids room(s) first, then the kitchen. The kids need to be anchored. Then you need a central zone to operate from. Everything else falls in after that. Let the kids pick how they want their rooms arranged or painted. Have some things set aside for them to play with while you unpack the kitchen so you can remember where you put that food chopper or the glasses. (I like the "Unpack Me First Box" with the basics we all look for right away from toilet paper and soap to Post-Its or you fill in the blank...)

7. There are a number of ways to assimilate into the new community. Find the local schools, begin visiting churches. Register your kids for community sports - even if they have never tried them before. Look for a MOPS Group (Mothers of Preschoolers) or MITI Group (Moms in Touch Int'l prayer group) though the local schools. Volunteer in the community. (My daughter and I became docents at a small museum in the Gold Rush area.) Find a Kids Bible Club or summer camp. Volunteer in classrooms at school or in church. Take weekly exploratory drives to see what's out there.

8. Overall, the more frank and positive the parents are, the better the kids will deal with any change. Affirm the kids' comments and adjustments and pray together as a family. Let the kids hear you look to God.

9. Encourage friendships old and new. Plan a visit from old friends. Help your kids find ways to invite possible new friends to do something. We have had parties for no reason with silly games and make-your-own mini pizzas. We've invited the whole neighborhood to BBQ or roast marshmallows.

10. Keep taking the pulse. Be on top of what your kids are thinking, feeling and experiencing. Whether you go on a walk, get some yogurt from the local shop or sit and talk, determine to know how your kids are processing what is going on.

I have been moving since the 3rd grade and don't have the history many others have of living near life-long friends or family. A huge move my family made was in the middle of my junior year in high school. While it was hard at the time, I loved what I learned in our new region and was more prepared to go off to college than most of my classmates who had yet to experience any big change.

Because of my moves, I feel that I have been strong at coaching our kids when we have moved anywhere. They have both landed well. Our daughter is "out of the nest" and already has some big moves of her own under her belt and plunges into her new communities and makes a difference. What more is there than that? Helping our kids to know they can go anywhere and value others and give back. Count me in!

They used to call this "blooming where you are planted". I like that.

Reflections on Gen XYZABC

Pondering some of the things that kids born after 2000 will never know thanks or no thanks to our culture...

- Waiting to watch summer reruns in order to catch a missed TV show

- What a home phone/land line is

- What it's like to lay on your back in the grass, look up and imagine "cloud sculptures"

- Marriage is sacred

- Songs decrying murder and hate were once unheard of, much less grammy-worthy

- Cheating on a test used to be one of the worst things a kid could do

- "Friend" used to be the kid down the street not all the people you "know" online

- Starting the school day with the Pledge of Allegiance

- Trophies and Awards used to be awarded based on actual performance

- Using a computer meant you sat down and dialed up, not reaching into your pocket

- Halloween was a blip on the calendar, not marketed for 3 months ahead of time

- Christmas was about Christ's birth first, Santa was just in the mall

- Bullying was localized at school, not permeating every aspect of your life

- Everyone held the door for the person coming after you

Every Girl Should Own at Least One

American Girls!

Hats off to Pleasant Rowland who created an entire industry celebrating what it is like for a young girl to grow up with wholesome influences. The company has been around long enough to have young mothers now purchasing dolls for their daughters. It was sold to Mattel a few years back and continues to thrive.

What is so special about these expensive dolls?

First of all, they are so durable they are worth the price that has nudged upward only a tad since my girl got her first American Girl in Kindergarten. Secondly, the dolls are meant to be played with and endure some wear and tear.

AG started with historical dolls, each one representing a time in America's development. It was a big deal for my daughter when Addy (above) was introduced. Other dolls include immigrants from England, Scandinavia. Other girls represent Native Americans, Spanish Americans, World War II, The 70's, etc. Later on, they introduced dolls that can "copy you". Choices as specific as a Starbucks coffee.

What makes these dolls so wonderful is the beautiful catalog where mother and daughter and grandmother can sit and oooooh and ahhhhh together. Moms can re-visit childhood and daughters or granddaughters can enjoy time to appreciate the details (look at Molly's working radio! Kirsten's sweater!).

This is my favorite and recommended investment for any parent or grandparent with a girl in Kindergarten on up. You can't go wrong celebrating history or bringing in another conversation piece. I am thrilled that my very own American Girl loved this venue til she was 13! The dolls, accessories, magazine and entire experience helped shaped our daughter's early life. Birthday gifts, allowance and Christmas money all focused on her AG collection. The entire family enjoyed the quality and message.

Little did we know we would live near a destination store one day!

After her wedding, one of the first things our girl searched for at our home were her AG doll boxes to bring to her new home.

Talk about life-impacting!

The Blessing

One of the best books for parents I’ve ever read is The Blessing, co-authored by Dr. John Trent and Gary Smalley. It was published in the 1980’s and is still in print today. It is well worth your investment if you have any hurt from your own upbringing that you feel prohibits you from being the best parent you can be with your own children or grands.

This book is based on the Old Testament concept where the parents pass on a special blessing to their children. The blessing is long-awaited and highly valued. In today’s terms I’d call it envisioning a special future and verbalizing that deeply held belief to your child in such a way that they feel your encouragement and love enfolding them.

The premise of the book is that everyone desires and needs a blessing, and answers the painful question of how a parent can give a blessing even if they never received one. It helps the reader see why their parents may have been unable to give a blessing and walks you through a release process. Once the past has been dealt with, the book encourages parents how to communicate and share the blessing with their own children.

Invaluable tool and eye-opening, this book reminds us about how important it is to parent without excuses as much as possible. If we focus on not forgiving our parent’s failings, in some way we will weigh down our children and thus burden them unintentionally.

I can’t recommend this book more highly. Read it! Read it with friends and then talk about it in groups. You won’t be sorry and you will be giving your children a huge gift: a blessing from the bottom of your heart.

www.amazon.com

Lowering the Bar

Did you hear about the Florida school with the poor test scores? They decided to change the grading system so that scores would look better. Talk about lowering the bar! What if they accepted the scores and worked for future improvement with the students?

Sadly, most of our culture seems to cater to a weaker standard rather than have the courage to stand up for excellence. It is okay to be great at something, but today's kids get the message that everyone is equal in every way.

Yes, everyone is equal in the eyes of God. He loves us all the same. Amazing... but that's another blog. However, we are not all equally gifted, and that is not only a fact, it must be accepted by parents and kids. Some are math geniuses or Olympians. Some are scholars or cutting-edge inventors. Some are artists or chefs. Etc...

I believe there is something special that each person can bring to the table, but we are not all equally skilled or talented. (Ask me to run and you'll have a perfect example. Just kindly laugh underneath the paper bag that had better be on your head.)

A "certificate of participation" is a waste of paper, but a certificate underscoring work over and above expectations is valuable. A trophy for everyone? OK in kindergarten. Not keeping score so that everyone feels good? Devaluing. Does everyone get a scholarship or win a Pulitzer?

The sooner we teach our kids the real story in the face of our culture, the better off they will be. Don't you want them to come home and tell you the beautiful certificate in their backpack was given to everyone and to throw it away? I do. I also want my kids to know when they have really excelled.

In a world that is constantly lowering the bar so that "everyone feels special", I am a rebel. Standards should not be on a sliding scale based upon the audience. They should be constant and measurable. I don't want an "A" because I am a tall Norwegian, I want an "A" because I earned it.

It's Called C-H-A-R-A-C-T-E-R

This week The Barna Group released its top five factors Americans will consider this November when casting their vote for president. I was happy to see that among the various demographic categories (evangelical, mainline, unbelieving) character matters. It's the number two factor right behind where the candidates stand on the issues.

A few weeks ago, a former 2008 presidential candidate's trial began. He is accused of misappropriating campaign funds to hide his pregnant mistress from his dying wife. If the prosecutors have their way, he will end up in prison for several decades. The pundits argue that if he had no knowledge of how funds were disbursed, then the fact that the funds were used to keep his adultery a secret doesn't stand up. Being callous toward his ill wife is no one's business, and not a factor in this case. What he does in his personal life is completely separate from his public life.

The answer I yelled at the TV was:"It's called CHARACTER, people!!" Character is not something we put on and take off like a pair of shoes. It's not something we choose to do sometimes and choose not to do at others. Character is intricately entwined with who we are. If we cheat, we cheat. It does not matter where. It means we are a cheater. If we lie, we are liars. If we are only nice in public and horrible to our loved ones in private, we are frauds.

Noah Webster's 1828 Dictionary defines character as follows:"The peculiar qualities, impressed by nature or habit on a person, which distinguish him from others; these constitute real character, and the qualities which he is supposed to possess, constitute his estimated character or reputation. Hence we say, a character is not formed, when the person has not acquired stable and distinctive qualities."

Parents have 18 years with their kids. The first 8 to teach and guide, the next 10 to coach and influence. Everything we do models life for them, whether we intend it as an educational moment or not. What do our kids think when they see us litter? Belittle a sales clerk? Scream at another driver? What do our kids think when they see us bringing dinner to someone or volunteering? Our choices matter. Little eyes and big ears are right there 24/7.

Don't you wonder what kind of messages that 2008 candidate got while he was growing up? That certain things are okay if it means you get your way? I wonder what messages his children (all of them) are getting today.

Sorry pundits, it does matter that a husband honors his wife. His wife remained gracious and dignified when this story exploded and in my opinion, died a woman of honor. Now that's character.

Bye-Bye Mr. Balloon!

Restaurants and stores love to give small children balloons. They're kind of like bubbles and fun to bat around, aren't they? One inexpensive way to see little eyes brighten with delight.

When my girl was about 20 months old, she was given her very first balloon at the grocery store. Ohhh, she was so thrilled! Being my first baby, I was just as happy. She was sitting in the kid seat in the grocery cart as we pushed our purchases out to the car. We had not yet learned the importance of loosely tying the balloon ribbon to her wrist or ankle.

As we opened the trunk and began unloading the cart, her beloved first balloon escaped her grasp. Her eyes widened as she watched the prize she had only had for a few minutes float up and away.

In that split second, I knew how I reacted would set the stage for other small disappointments, and I didn't want her to be sad. So, I began clapping wildly and jumping with excitement, waving "Bye-Bye Mr. Balloon!! Bye-Bye!!!" Who knows what the other customers in the parking lot thought? My girl began gleefully laughing and waving bye-bye, too. She had more fun watching the balloon "go see the world" than holding it close. For all she knew, a balloon's job was to depart... or pop.

Yup, the first time a balloon popped on her that was really fun, too.

So, there's two things both my kids haven't cried about. Don't worry, there were others, but at least they are okay with balloons.

Kid Logic

When my girl was about 8, we had just settled down to watch a movie when the FBI warning scrolled across the screen. "Mom, what is that Fibble Warning for, anyway?"

"The what??"

"That - right there," she pointed to the screen. "The Fibble Warning."

I explained that it was an "i" and not an "L". F-B-I. She laughed heartily at herself and I still can't see that logo without remembering when I first heard about the Fibble Warning. In fact, that's all it really is to me now.

As long as she'd been watching videos and movies, she had seen the "warning" and then went on her way coloring, playing or watching not sure what it was for, but certain it must be important because there certainly were a lot of them.

One day a Sunday School Leader was eagerly sharing with a group of about 45 elementary kids that we are all "heirs of the King." Over and over he repeated this important message with the biggest smile. The King is God and we are his heirs! Yippie!! I was sitting in the back enjoying the class time when it occurred to me that the kids might not know what the definition of "heirs" was. I signaled the teacher. He immediately asked the class what they thought "heir" meant.

We heard answers like "Stuff you do wrong" and "Mistakes you make". Nothing even close to the real meaning! For twenty minutes they had seen their leader practically dance with excitement and thought he was excited because we are mistakes!

Of course we fixed that, pronto. But it makes me wonder how many other "definitions" are out there that kids have self-defined and perhaps don't even think about asking for help decoding? In my work with hundreds of kids over the past chunk of years, I venture to say there are a lot more unknown ones out there.

I think it's our job as parents to learn how to think like our kids. Enter in any way we can and be sure their inner dictionaries have the right definitions. Sometimes they will let us know, like the Fibble Warning, and we can explain the reality. Other times we're going to have to ask, like when the Sunday School class thought they should be excited to be "errors of the King."

Tip of the day: Answer a question with a question. "You think that is the Fibble Warning because?" Then you won't sound like an interrogator. And be sure not to have a bright ceiling light on and use your relaxed voice. After all, they didn't do anything wrong - they just didn't understand.

Can Your Kid Ride an Elevator?

The other day I was attending a meeting in a conference room inside a local hospital. I was directed to the Heron Room on the lower level and gestured toward the elevator bank. Once inside, I looked for the button that would represent that floor. Since there wasn't an "L", I tried the "1" because in some buildings I've seen that button mean the lowest level. The doors reopened on my current floor as if to say guess again. My only other option that I saw was a button labeled "-1". Presto! Down I went. When the doors opened after my -1 descent, a large glass sign with a giant "L" greeted me.

This got me thinking. Having developed my abstract-thinking skills I was able to decode the road blocks and get to my destination. It took a few attempts, because things were not laid out as clearly as anticipated. I knew that "lower level" meant below. I knew that sometimes "1" meant lower. When I didn't find a logical button to push, I tried again and hit the jackpot with "-1". Being welcomed with the giant "L" sign merely gave me a chuckle and revealed that the project planning had not included a final meeting with the person ordering the signs and the one installing the elevator.

Look how many steps it took for an adult to ride the elevator. And, how many logical steps had to be by-passed in order for me to achieve my simple objective of arriving in the Heron room on time?

How would a concrete-thinking kid handle all of this? Could you tell your child, "Go down to the L level and I'll meet you there"? What would they do when there wasn't an "L" to choose on the elevator panel?

I think we need to coach our kids in the unexpected "-1" thinking. More than teaching the steps, we need to teach the why behind the steps. This will serve them far better as they navigate the unexpected or possibly an emergency in life.

When our girl was 14, we flew her across country to visit family friends. She had a layover on the return trip and was told the final flight home had been cancelled. Rather than say "oh" and sit down in wonder, she looked the agent in the eyes and said, "I need you to do whatever it takes to get me home tonight." She was polite, had a big smile and arrived home only 3 hours late. Not bad for her first solo flight.

Something tells me that she would've found the -1 button that day, too.

I've Never Been A Facebook Parent Before

So here I am, this seasoned children and family pastor. The one with all the personal life stories because I've mostly been there, done that. That fierce mama-pastor who has loved on hundreds of families over 14 years in ministry...

But, guess what? I've never been a mom in the FB generation. ACK Lately I hear myself say the things I tell other parents not to say. Even worse, I hear myself asking the dreaded "yes/no" questions!!

Just today I yelped out to our son; "So How come you didn't tell us you were F B O??"

His calm answer,"Because I knew you would do this."

Just this morning I was coaching in a parenting workshop I created. They love it and so do I! Bring it home... In my love and parenting of an incredible son, I find I am stumbling and doing all the dorky off-putting things I tell others not to do.

I did not know that when one posts on FB "in relationship" that it isn't bad if the other person isn't named. Or if they don't post back soon. In our son's case, his FBO gal has a problem with her internet but she is in agreement as of this afternoon while I was napping and he was changing his status. As that fierce mama, I just didn't want my boy's heart out there without some level of reciprocation.

Note to self and other parents: Remember, we cannot control after a certain age... but we sure can guide...

The Worst Parenting Response Ever

This entry is from my personal diary

An amicably divorced father of a grown daughter age 24 got a middle of the night call that she’d been arrested for DUI the night before Thanksgiving. Mercifully, no one or thing had been hurt. Because of the holiday, she was being held until Friday before she could be bailed out of jail.

The father and daughter had been invited to longtime family friends for Thanksgiving, but because his daughter was in jail and he had missed some sleep visiting her that morning, he determined not to go to the dinner. He tried to have another relative make his excuses (but not to share the real reason because it would embarrass his jailed daughter). The relative declined to take on the assignment and the father made his own regrets.

Rather than be concerned about his daughter’s conduct or safety, he focused on the good spirits she was in and visited her twice on Thanksgiving. The next day, he bailed her out of jail and he and her mother cooked an entire Thanksgiving dinner to make up for the one their daughter had missed the day before. Remember, these people are divorced so their girl missed two.

Both of my kids react in horror at this scenario. They know me well. They know these people. Each of them have told me at separate times, “Don’t worry Mom, I know if I go to jail you wouldn’t bail me out…and you wouldn’t visit me, either.” Especially if they went to jail for the same circumstances – they could wait and wait to be freed but I’m not going to enable them. And recreate a holiday meal they missed due to their own illegal actions? Not a chance!

That 24-year-old carelessly took lives of others in her hands. It is a miracle that no one was harmed. I’ve tried to raise my kids to realize others exist and to act with regard for all human life. If they don’t, they experience the consequence of that poor decision. No make-up feasts from me, certainly no fixing their mistakes. My love is about truth and taking responsibility for what we do.

Sadly, the above parents continued to cover and minimize reality some 6 years later. Their child has been crippled by her parents' main plan to cover up rather than coach. She is unable to function autonomously, much less contribute to the world. But continues to party on and look good on Face Book.

Rebuilding Takes Time

Over ten years after America's worst terrorist attack obliterated the World Trade Center, it's descendant, the Freedom Tower has nearly reached it's full height. With just 500 more feet to go, when finished she will soar even higher than her predecessor. Today a column was hoisted in place that already makes this possible.

America has been in the rebuilding business ever since the tragedy was forced upon us. I did not know until today that the new building will stand 1,776 feet high in honor of the year 1776. It is a big deal that America now has one of the top three tallest buildings in the world. It represents our resilience, productivity and leadership. But it's been ten years in the making, and not finished yet.

This is a good example about what it takes to recover and rebuild after a tragedy. We can't snap our fingers and make it go any faster than it does. A minute is a minute is a day is a month is a year. Rebuilding cannot be rushed, as much as we would like it to be.

How many times have we been in something so thick and painful and cried out for it to be over? As a parent, I have held my sick children while they hurt and wished to feel better soon. "Mommie, can you please ask Jesus to make this go away faster?" It is a helpless feeling when we can't fix it, we are also waiting...

Waiting to feel better, waiting not to hurt so much, waiting for that test result, waiting for that job to come through... Waiting for your credit to be restored so you can try to own a home again, waiting on an email or call from a long-lost loved one...

We can rebuild from utter desolation. Each step in our process reminds me of the talent that is building the Freedom Tower. We need the new infrastructure, the engineers, the equipment and the plan. We need the people behind each action item to help us reach our goal. In addition to all of this, we need a realistic view of how long things will take.

Side chuckle: I once had the CEO of the company I worked for jab his finger in my face and demand that I learn an entire software program that evening. This was at 5:00 p.m. The actual learning curve for this program would take 8 weeks of in-depth classes.

So maybe the people we need are bankers or lawyers. Doctors or counselors. Maybe we need a good book or website to encourage or inspire. These people can help us get the "right equipment" so we can rebuild in our area of need.

Just like Freedom Tower, it won't be the same as before, but it can honor what has gone before. And then, there's that new part that introduces hope for the future.

Gotta keep hoping...

Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Helping Kids Navigate Big Changes

You could call me the professional relocate-r. I have moved so many times while growing up and as an adult, I know the drill. I know how to research movers, determine which boxes to self-pack and how to pack them, catalog everything and what to do first when we land in our new zip code.

When our son was completing first grade, we were packing up to move half-way across the country. We wanted him to have the least amount of angst as possible. He was not the type to hurl himself into an adventure and thrived on structure and anticipated order, so I knew we needed to be careful. This was a huge change in every way for the entire family.

First, we prepared him in advance. We had family chats, showed him maps and helped him pre-pack some boxes from his bedroom.

Next, I asked his teacher if I could come to school and share a special story. I wrote and illustrated a story using his classmates as characters, and described the big move their friend was about to experience. A bunch of delighted 6-year olds loved the story I read and the snacks I brought along. They loved seeing how I had drawn them and what I had them say.

Finally, I brought a very large T-shirt and fabric markers along. I asked the class, teachers and office staff to sign the shirt.

Our son loved everything about the careful attention, and wore that T-shirt as a sleep shirt for years.

I didn't know we still had it until the other night when I saw this faded example of my mama-love in the laundry. What was once nearly a gown is now pretty much a monkey shirt on our 9-foot son. How sweet that it's still around as a reminder to all of us about a little boy who was surrounded by love and support during the first big transition in his life.

Tattoo Mama

So, the other day I was standing in a Starbucks line behind a pregnant mom with two toddlers in her cart. She got Frappacinos for all three of them, but that's not the point. Her hair was in a ponytail and she had a tattoo on the back of her neck... some word in an elegant cursive font. As she moved away and I stepped closer to the cashier, I could read her tattoo:

Sinful

Funny that when I went to Google an image for this entry, the tattoo on the back of the neck was also labeled something like "tasteful tattoos for girls" who "want to be modest".

It wasn't so modest for me. Now I wonder even more why a mother of young kids would get such a tat when her little back seat riders will one day all to soon will be able to read? What will she say? What will these older sibs tell their new brother or sister about what it means?

Before anyone snarks at me, I am the first to admit that I over-zealously glued pages shut, used white-out to change "objectionable" words in books and read, saw or guarded every single thing before my kids saw it. And, as I tell parents now... I laugh at my extreme concern but still appreciate my intention.

That being said, I just wonder why one would go to the expense (and pain) to have that particular word embedded in their skin forever? And, sorry... it's not that modest because I saw it and I wasn't even looking.

Am I anti-tattoos? I don't think I would get one, but I semi-understand. I just try to avoid all unnecessary pain. My adult daughter designed a beautiful one for her back shoulder. It has about 15 layers of significance, so she gets a pass. Where we live, I notice a lot of grandmothers with something small on their ankles. The ones I really wince at are on the people that get something on their stomachs or chests. As they age, that little worm is gonna droop into a snake!

What I am getting at is that it seems that people who choose to get one or one hundred tattoos ascribe a meaning and a plan for their ink. It is well thought out and an important investment.

I hope this young mother's last name was "Sinful" and that I am wrong for my reaction that anyone would choose a word that has such heavy connotations to wear on a daily basis and have to explain to her babies.

Parents have so much to explain anyway, I am not a fan of adding to our challenges.

Pancake Love

I always wanted lots of children. As a child, I wrote stories that included elaborate illustrations of large families. Each child had a special characteristic and multiple drawings depicting them in action. As an adult, both of my children were hard to conceive and were long-awaited, joyful answers to prayer.

When our girl was ten years old, we were thrilled to learn that I was finally pregnant again. She joined in our excitement anticipating the new addition to our family. Mind you, she had been my one and only, had survived a horror of divorce and death of her birth father, rejoiced later in my marriage and thrilled to be adopted by that good guy. In her ten years, this little girl had already experienced another person's lifetime of loss and hope.

As the pregnancy moved along, we found out the new addition was going to be a little brother. I was beyond myself to realize I was going to be blessed to have "one of each".

Our girl also rejoiced as much as a third grader can. She drew us pictures, eagerly came to doctor appointments and earnestly crafted gifts for her soon-to-be-born brother.

In the midst of all the joy and hope, I sensed that something was going on within her. I truly believe God prompted me to ask her about this one day. I was careful and casual, and I must have done something right because the net take-away was that she wondered how I would be able to love her new baby brother without some of my love for her being subdivided.

We had the best chat! I told her that the love God gives everyone just keeps growing. In order to love someone else, nothing is taken away from those we already love. It's like a pile of pancakes. We already had a pile "this high" but with our new little guy coming along, God would pile it even higher.

That turned out to be just what she needed to hear.

What Mom Doesn't Work?

A hot news topic the past few days is the charge that stay-at-home mom Ann Romney "has never worked a day in her life." The message implied was that Ann could thus not have any meaningful input about what is happening economically because she hadn't really done much with her life. The media has jumped on this and all sorts of facts, figures and responses are popping up everywhere.

I am happy that a passing comment has generated so much publicity about motherhood and is bringing attention to both stay-at-home moms and those moms who work outside the home. This is great fodder for a fun discussion over your favorite Starbucks coffee.

For years, conflicting messages have been presented in our North American culture. Throw some church viewpoints in there and it is either a sin for a mom to work outside the home or that moms who do not work outside the home are somehow lesser than those out there "using their brains".

While I was growing up, my mother did not work outside the home. But she was the family project manager, gourmet chef, counselor, girl friend to my father, volunteer, hostess, financier, decorator and friend. She spent hours every day after school assisting my younger brother with his school work and volunteered in the school library. My mom was a vital woman who enjoyed a full life and became a painter and artist. When I was in high school, she began a second career in real estate before anyone's mom was doing it. When I was in college, the "phase II" of her life with grown kids was cut short when she died of cancer.

I have been both a stay-at-home mama and a working mama. When my daughter was young, I had to work and it was very painful to leave her at daycare. I would skip lunch in order to get to her as soon as possible and spend the rest of the evening with my precious lamb. At one point I was able to rearrange my work schedule to get home right when the bus dropped her off at 3:10. For people who know that I am not a morning fan at all, they will gulp to learn I got up at 5:30 every day for her.

When our son was just 18 months old, I became a children's pastor out of passion for children and families. This isn't a job, it is an extension of my soul... but it does mean I was still a working mother. I have been blessed to serve at churches under senior leadership that has allowed me to organize my work schedule around my family. This has allowed me to be there first for my family and be the best children's pastor possible. We have been fortunate that I have had a position and the support that has allowed me to do what I love while loving and being there for my family. When our now nine-foot-tall son was just a preschooler, he used to refer to my office at church as "our office". Ohhh did that make my heart sing and affirmed that he knew his place in my life!

Every stay-at-home mother I have ever had the privilege to know has my complete admiration. Many of them have temporarily retired from high powered positions. All of them dive into their family life with high energy. They work hard to make sure to provide multitudes of experiences and learning opportunities for their children. Some of these moms are also the educators of their kids. Some of these moms send their kids to school. Either way, they all ensure that their children understand what was taught each day. They are creative, on-going learners who are the rudders of their families.

I have been meeting more and more moms who have developed side jobs or hobbies that have become a source of income, all while putting their families first. That means they get less sleep in order to do this after the kids go to bed, or play tag team if there's a dad around to be sure one parent is always there for the kids.

The working moms I have met that do not have the flexibility in the schedules that I have had and are gone during traditional business hours each day really have it tough. That's my humble opinion. They have to look professional earlier in the day while toting kid gear and kids to an early morning daycare, head off to work where they need to focus for x number of consecutive hours. Before they can go straight home, often they are also the parent who picks up the kids from daycare/after school programs. When they come home for the night, they are still needed and responsible for nurturing and encouraging their families.

There is not one woman I have ever met who is "less than" or "more than" any other woman because she does or does not work outside the home. Mothers are awesome! You don't need a paying job to be valued or have important input and insights. And, I'll just throw in there not to compare education or position. A mom is a mom. Yes, at first it may be intimidating to find out the mom sitting next to you is head of the state bar association, or has a Ph. D, but you know what? We are all just humans...and fellow moms. I bet Ann Romney has her finger on the pulse of her areas of expertise just like any other stay-at-home mom. She is worth a listen, just like every mom.

Wait!

One of the things I have taught our dog to do is to "wait". She is very excited to go for car rides, but our cars are outside. We exit through the garage and she has learned to wait once we hit the garage door opener. At first she will run wildly toward the opening door, but upon hearing me caution her to "wait", all 11 pounds of her skids to a halt. She retraces her steps and walks out to the car with me. She has learned that being careful keeps her safe, and her reward is the coveted ride in the car.

Many parenting checklists cover certain skills our children should master by when in order to function well socially. By fifth grade, one of the things our kids should have learned to do is to wait.

While I completely agree, I think that in technologically microwaveable instant messaging text savvy DVRing Googling North America that is asking a lot for today's Kindergarteners.

They have never known life without a smart phone, microwave, DVR, drive-through Starbucks or take-home pre-cooked dinners from the deli section of Target. Their parents can Google and download coloring pages, craft ideas and get online to read their report cards. They can play games with the tap of a finger on an iPad or the click of a mouse if their family is still so old school as to own a computer that sits at a table. If they really, really need a toy or a book their parents can go to Amazon.com find it and instant click. It will be at the front door - no shipping fees applied - within a day. Unlike babies of bygone eras, they were handed an iPhone to play with while mommy had coffee with friends. Forget those car keys! These kids have grown up technologically far more intuitive than their families (or even older siblings) and have no logical reason to wait for anything.

Yet that is exactly what we must do - teach these incredible kids to do a thing so culturally foreign to them. They must learn to wait.

Waiting will teach patience and respect for others. Waiting will teach unselfishness and self-control. Waiting will teach objectivity, anticipation, preparation and sacrifice. Waiting will teach children about creation and beauty.

You can't plant a seed and get a sunflower right away - you have to watch it grow. While it is growing you can care for it and watch what God created. You can't have a birthday every day, but you can plan a party the month before and have fun counting down and learn what it means to look forward to something out of our control but certainly on the calendar. Where we live many young girls grow their hair out for Locks of Love, then donate their year of work. They had to watch and wait for their hair to be long enough before this non-profit could accept their hair for cancer patients.

Today's parents have a lot of contributing forces that are definitely convenient for family life and are indeed blessings, but if we aren't careful we may turn out a generation of impatient or impersonal people who can't relate face-to-face, manage their finances or everyday lives. I think we have to share our appreciation for what we can "instantly" do or get (like Googling the answer everyone is arguing about as to the average age of a Pony Express rider), yet tempering that by making sure our brainiac can also treat others kindly and with love and have a solid sense of self-control by waiting their turn or saving for that toy.

What if we taught our kids that waiting was fun, not something to be overcome?

I gotta go now, my microwave popcorn is done...

Negative Parenting is Alive and Well

Unfortunately.

This is something that I thought would emerge from those who parented in the 1930s.

Today we have so many more influences, so many more resources to give us input and so many real life examples that show us blaming and shaming does not work. Not only does it not work, it causes so much damage kids end up in counseling... as messed up adults.

So I am asking - were you negatively parented? Are you passing this on to your family? Are you treating other adults in your circle of influence the same fault-finding way you were possibly treated? Check yourself. I hope you are not surprised.

I watch the reruns of the show KING OF QUEENS just because it is on while I am prepping dinner. I really only like the father character played by Jerry Stiller (Ben's papa). The married couple that this show is based on is so negative I wince, although actors Kevin James and Leah Remini nail their parts and I appreciate their acting. It's just that they do their negativity so well, I can't relax while watching this comedy.

As an easily distracted follower of a butterfly, I cannot believe it would be fun to be a negative person. Yet I run into these adult types more frequently than I would like. These people seem to embrace their demeanor and are unaware of the wide wake they leave behind. They are parents and employers and volunteers and just plain people walking the earth.

I just can't believe that any young parent would have a goal to produce a negative person that would in turn harm others. But by not taking action, or by not taking the time to explain -- that is what will happen. Worse yet, by teaching a child that their feelings rule the universe, they empower and inadvertently train a child in the same way.

Then of course we find the adult children of these meanies who pass on the same negativity just because they think they are removed from their parental shackles. Only to find out that they have become the parent they so despised.

How much better to live for truth all along! To teach forgiveness and encourage a hope for a better future.

I for one do not need to experience one more person who has not dealt with their past and is passing it on to other unfortunates that cross their paths.

We've all had bad days. Let's be sure it stays with us and some careful sharing of trusted friends. I don't want to mess up anyone else's life with my stuff, and that includes my kids first and foremost.

Titantic Truth

While watching the National Geographic Channel special last night, we learned new details about the sinking of the Titanic. Eye witnesses repeatedly told others for years (including congressional testimony) that the ship split in two. Eye witnesses. The Titanic Historical Society continually denied these accounts because of their theory that such a creation could not break in two. It was not until the actual wreckage was found in 1985 that the survivors' factual stories were finally proved true: there she lay at the bottom of the ocean, broken in two large chunks.

I think at the core of every human being is the need to be believed. Don't we want our words to be weighed and valued if not considered trustworthy? I know I sure do. I am a stickler about honesty and believe that our children should count on us that our "yes" is "yes" and our "no" is "no". If they grow up seeing us vacillate, change our minds or fret aloud about making decisions, how will they learn to confidently make their own decisions?

When our son was a Kindergartener, he used to try to get me to change my mind after I had already given him my answer.

"Don't you want to count on me?" I asked. He nodded affirmatively. "Do you want to believe me when I tell you anything?" Another nod. "Do you want to believe that there will be food in the house everyday for you to eat?" Again, yes. "Do you want to believe that I will pick you up after school every afternoon?" Yes.

"Well if I keep changing my words all the time, how could you feel safe every day? You wouldn't know what was true. That's part of my job - to keep you safe and secure, and part of that is when I say yes, I mean it. When I say no, I mean that too. That way you will always know that Mommie tells you the truth. You can count on me and believe it, and nothing will change that."

It only took a couple of times to get this point across. After that, the attempts to change my mind slacked off. When he did try, I simply asked him what he had heard me say. Then he would answer me.

"Have I ever changed my mind?" I reminded him.

No.

This was all said in a loving, upbeat and conversational tone, then I dropped the subject. So did he.

Reborn Babies

A variety of media outlets are airing stories this week about the new phenomenon of frighteningly life-like baby dolls that adult women are not only purchasing, they are collecting. These dolls, called Reborn Babies are priced well beyond your basic toy doll, some upwards of $1K. Because these dolls are life-sized, you can purchase all kinds of gear to keep it real. That way, you can care for your doll as if she were a real baby. Some even have birth dates, birth weights and adoption certificates. You can even have a custom made baby if money is no object. A few minutes on Google reveals an expensive hobby with fans, deals and adoptions. If you are lucky, you can even find one on eBay and of course you can find new friends on social media to share your passion.

The interview I saw yesterday on TV showed a woman who keeps a complete nursery in her home for her dolls. Another woman was filmed wearing her baby in a front pack and thrilled when strangers complimented her. One women proudly told the camera that she had over 30 of these dolls ranging in ages up to toddler-size.

What is the reason behind this expensive new movement? The interviews culled information bits from the women like relaxation, replacement and even just having the need to hold a baby again. These people are sincerely "collecting" and caring for their reborns as if they were real. They get fulfillment from holding the dolls. It is clear that a lot of time and money goes into their babies.

Scratch my head. All I thought about after first agreeing the dolls are incredibly well done is how much disposable income ladies were spending to parent the reborns. What could be done for others with this hefty chunk of change? What real life need could be met instead? My next thought was about how much time was devoted to caring about the dolls. How many church nurseries could use loving arms of adults holding real babies during church services? How many church toddler classes would welcome the participation of teachers who care about this age group? How many people in the community need some time from someone to help them with their real-life children?

I am not condemning the dolls or the purchasers. I am just wondering what would happen if the same dollars and energies were put into real-life human beings, what would the world look like? What real things could we accomplish for those in need?

What Do You Want to Be?

Remember Vanilla Ice? The most successful rapper in the 90's? "Ice, ice baby..."

Vanilla Ice, AKA Rob did not disappear. In addition to his musical talent, he developed other skills and is now so good at house reno, he has a show on HGTV. He drives a Rolls, has tattoos covering most of his body, continues to perform but has also developed skills in home renovation. He his also a doting father. I respect this man.

He is my current role model for coaching kids on "what to be" when they grow up.

Actually, I hate it when people ask children this question! Why pin them down? Statistically, they will have at least five different careers.

What if we ask them what they would like to do first? That's how I guided our girl in her college and course selection. What if we encouraged our kids to develop a hobby that could also become a source of income, not to mention pleasure? (I sure wish I had learned to do something like Rob has done.) What if up front, we gave our kids loving permission to explore their options to contribute rather than pin them down to one thing?

And regarding that one big thing, even someone like Vanilla Ice did not invest his entire entity there. He kept growing and learning. How fun is that? See why he inspires me? He hasn't stopped, and I haven't either. I just don't have a TV show...

Helicopter Parents

Our honorary daughter's (so close she’s like our own) husband used to fly Marine One for a recent president. He was the guy at the helm to fly the president in the fancy-dan helicopter wherever and whenever he was asked.

This man is brave, well-trained, responsible and honorable. He respects authority and is so trustworthy the leader of the free world placed his life in his hands. Talk about the ultimate trust! (I don’t know if I can even trust someone standing behind me to catch me, and all that would mean is I land on the floor a few inches lower.) Honorary Girl’s husband displays the character of one so well-equipped he has now gone on to literally train another nation's military in fancy-dan helicopter maintenance.

When we talk about helicopter parents, it refers to parents who hover over their children for any and every reason. It may be the selection of a sock or outfit, it may be to set up their homework for them or burrow through their backpacks. It may be to coach them in their sport, even if they actually have a coach. It could be to intervene with their friendships or fill out a job application... or my personal favorite; drive an 11th grader’s forgotten lunch to school.

Characteristics of a helicopter parent include anxiety, perfectionism and most telling is how easily interruptible they are by their children. Legitimate emergencies aside, if you do not feel compelled to immediately take cell calls during a coffee date with a friend (or make them) or stop adult conversation in person to turn and pay attention instead to your offspring tugging at your sleeve, you are probably not a helicopter parent. If you do not have the need to insist your children perform precisely the way you insist in negotiable areas, you are probably not a helicopter parent. If you can go about your day without stress while knowing full well your child did not brush their hair (or teeth), you are probably not a helicopter parent. If you can go to sleep at night even if your child wore his clothes to bed, you are probably not a helicopter parent. If you do not do your child's homework or make excuses for them, you are not a helicopter parent.

If Honorary Girl’s hubby had been hovered over while growing up, he could literally not have become man enough, brave enough or confident enough to fly the leader of the free world around in a real helicopter.

Remember, real helicopters only hover when they are landing and taking off. Otherwise they are on a designated mission. If all they did was hover, they wouldn’t go anywhere. They’d just kick up a lot of dust.

If all we did as parents is hover, we are the ones who kick up a lot of dust. Our children won’t really go anywhere, either. They will remain dependent upon us for all their decisions. We will have fostered self-doubt and cancelled out their chance to sit at the helm of Marine One. I choose the brave one who thinks for himself and can be trusted to the nth degree!