The Kitchen is Closed

When my daughter was in third grade, we went out to dinner at the local burger joint along with a neighbor and her third and first grade sons. We each ordered for ourselves and kids and waited at the counter for our trays of burgers and fries to be ready. I remember that the mother had some coaching to do with the first grade son, but didn't think too much about it.

That is, until we sat down in our booth and began unwrapping our burgers. Much to the first grade son's disappointment, the burger he unwrapped was not the child-size one he had ordered. It was the regular size burger with exactly the same condiments and cheese requested. He began to pout loudly and whine to his mother.

My girl and I exchanged glances, uncertain what the problem was because he got what he wanted - just a little bigger. He could eat a little less and be fine. No big deal, right? Wrong. He continued to whimper and his mother continued to coddle him until she appologetically went back to the counter and ordered him a new, smaller burger. She had a big smile that she had pleased her son, and he happily bit into his perfect burger.

I thought she had just taught her sons that they can have whatever they wanted and cringed for their future wives who would have to live up to high expectations.

Over the years I have met many a parent who has catered to her child's eating whims. They have gone so far as to create separate meals in order to get them to eat. As they explain their predicament to me, they shrug as if they are powerless and continue to outline the lengths they have gone to get something edible down the throat of their child.

Perhaps because I was once just such a finicky eater (PBJs every day for a year) I determined not to to bring another such person into the world.

So in my grown-up house, we serve the same dinner to everyone. That is the food available for the meal, period. You can't turn your nose up to what has been prepared and go make macaroni. You can, however, have a bowl of cereal later if you ate dinner and are still hungry. I have encouraged our kids to at least taste something new, and if they really do hate it, we don't force it. After all, I don't like beets, either.

We also got the kids cooking at an early age so they could see what went into a meal. By the time they were in early elementary grades, they would shop with me for the ingredients and work on each step of the meal with some help. There is no magic fairy in our house. The  phrase "the kitchen is closed" was implemented to keep late-nite snackers from messing up or a kid who refused dinner to try and wheedle food out of us later on . Usually we would add the time the kitchen was closed to this pronouncement. We'd say it calmly, brightly adding that "breakfast will be served at 8:00."

A huge influence on my philosophy of meal time magic comes from Dr. Kevin Leman, renowned parenting expert and psychologist for over 30 years. (Check out all his books on Amazon! They are fun reading with practical applications.) In one of his books, he shares this suggestion he gave a mom with a fussy kid who didn't like spaghetti - the rest of the family's favorite meal. Dr. Leman told the mom to make that spaghetti and set the table for everyone except the whiner, then call the family for dinner. They calmly begin serving and eating the meal. The whiner came in the room and wondered why there wasn't a plate for him, and the mom cheerfully told him, "well honey, you don't like spaghetti." The stunned kid wandered over to the kitchen counter, lifted the lid on the sauce pot and said, "well, I could eat this spaghetti." He never complained again. And yes, he even ate spaghetti.

My absolute favorite Dr. Leman story is the one where the whiney eater - sitting at the table - looks at his plate and whimpers that he doesn't like this stuff. The parent cheerfully says ""okay", stands up and takes his plate to the sink where he dumped the entire contents. They calmly return to the dinner table and continue eating. The astonished kid asks what happened. Their cheerful reply, "You said you didn't like it. Breakfast will be at 8:00. You are excused." That kid  never complained again, either. I only had to do this once. It works. The key is you being cool, calm and unruffled.

If you haven't guessed by now, my favorite way of parenting involves reality - not lecturing, not reminding. At first you will have to work at acting calmer than you really are. But very soon, if you are committed and consistent, you will realize you really are.

P.S.  You can modify these ideas for older kids who don't show up on time at the dinner table. Breakfast is at 8:00.

Bon Appetit!

Ready For The Next Stage?

Social media has been on fire the last couple of weeks with parent postings about the next stage their kids are entering. First day of Kindergarten, Middle School, High School and College. Milestones all. And not just for the kids. It is also the first for the parents. Even if they have older children who have already done this, it is a first for each child and thus a first for the parent of a child in that stage.

By far, the postings with the most emotion are from the parents sending their kids off to college. They can't believe 18 years have come and gone so quickly and share the pictures showing a baby morph into a young man or woman about to embark on their biggest adventure. They don't know how they are going to handle walking past their empty bedrooms and see them only on holidays when just a few weeks ago they were handing out chores and curfews. They are proud of the young adults their babies have become while at the same time aching that this time has come already.

The first-time college parents now have much in common with first-time newborn parents: both are traveling completely new territory and don't have the script down yet. Everything is new and roles are being defined.

This blog entry is for those of you who wonder how you can let go of your baby. Whether your first, last or only. How can you navigate these uncharted waters with this particular child?

First of all, forget the microwave. Use it only to make popcorn or steam green beans. It isn't meant for you to instantly grasp your morphing role or the realization that you will not be seeing your child on a daily basis. Recognize that this will take time for you to adapt to this changing relationship and that it is okay. Bye-bye unrealistic expectations. Dittoes for your new Freshman.

Second, you have been working toward this time ever since their very first birthday. You've walked them through each developmental step, you've provided opportunities for them to discover their passions, you've guided them in their thinking. They are ready. So are you, perhaps you just forgot that part of your job description in all the fanfare of each of their accomplishments. Deep breath. Big smile. They are so eager to test their wings right now it hasn't hit them yet like it has you.

Third, accept the fact that as "legal adults" you can no longer control, you can only guide and influence. And that is only if they want to hear your thoughts. Legally, they don't have to. And the school isn't going to send you their grades because it isn't your business now. If you are financially providing for their education, you have some clout there. If you aren't, then accept the fact that all you have is the relationship you built over the past 18 years.

That's the kind of relationship we had with our firstborn when she went off to college - relationship, period. We were not able to contribute financially so we didn't have the power to threaten financially. But she did listen to us - after awhile. We had to learn to listen to her and not share our opinions.
We did a lot of waiting and praying because we wanted her to arrive at the safest conclusion on her own.

Example:
Her: "Mom!! Guess what??? I am driving to Florida over Spring Break!!"
      My Thoughts: Oh no!! 4 innocent girls in a crappy car with thousands of drunk kids??NO!! NO!!!!!
My Words: "Wow! When are you leaving?"
Her: "Sunday."
My Words: "Where will you be staying?"
Her: "Tina's older sister's friend's aunt. She's like 26 and really cool."
     My Thoughts: NOOOOOOO!!!!
My Words: "Then you'll split gas and oil, sounds pretty inexpensive."

Following this "listening", I began fiercely praying for her wisdom and safety. A few days later, I got a call that she wasn't going to go after all, because she only had $100. "Good thinking, honey." That's all I said. I hung up and with a trembling heart of gratitude, thanked God.

This brings us to my fourth point: resist the urge to lecture, inform, remind or retort. Have your tongue cut out if you need to. Time to bring your A Game in reflective listening. The calmer you are when your new college student tests the "sharing waters" with you, the more you will hear and the more you can potentially influence. Practice neutral replies. Practice sounding calm. You can have your complete reaction after you hang up the phone. Our early adult kids need to arrive at healthy conclusions on their own. If you tell them what to do, they will either ignore you and do it anyway - or worse yet - remain a dependent child without the ability to handle situations on their own and look for the "someone else" to show them what to do.

Fifth: Resist the temptation to fret or hover. It won't do anyone any good and will only serve to give you anxiety or sound like a micro-manager and drive your kid away. I know some parents who did such a "good job" hovering over their son in high school and had their hand in how he even arranged items on his dresser, when he went off to college he didn't even call home for three weeks. The mom worried that he was "spending all his money on pizza and not eating right" and just couldn't understand why he wouldn't return their calls - "they were such a close family". Another family called their student so often it was as if they were in the dorm room right along with her. Letting them breathe is good for everyone.

Sixth: Establish reasonable expectations for communication and conduct. It is definately okay to expect your "house rules" to be respected when they come home. By the same token, Complete the ITP, review. Take client to library to practice socialization. Continue to follow up with Fish chart and behaviors toward mother. Follow up with mother's consistency and possibly add new House Rules. your instinct to want in on every detail will allow your relationship to move into the next stage. This stage will take as long as it takes  child to become a fully autonomous adult living and providing for themselves. It has only just started.

The early post-high school stage is probably the hardest because it is the first time many parents no longer see their child on a daily basis. It can be a rude awakening. Regardless if they stay at home or go away, our influence must diminish in order for all of us to deal with growing up in a healthy way.

What if you are having a hard time accepting this next stage? Seek out friends who have already navigated this well and connect with them. Start a new hobby or take a class - you're not done yet! Rearrange your house. Change up your routines. Stay away from negative thinking and negative people. Volunteer with kids younger than yours and share your expertise. Mentor a new mom. Think outside the box you know so well. Remember, this is your next stage, too.

Finally, deepen your trust in God. Experience an in-depth Bible study that increases your knowledge of God's desire for relationship. If you don't know where to look, usually large non-denominational churches in each community offer men, women or couples Bible studies. Even some smaller churches offer studies and you do not have to attend the church in order to participate. There are also several international Bible studies for men and women that are excellent at providing a foundation. Google Community Bible Study or Bible Study Fellowship and find a local church hosting these studies. (CBS now even offers home study.)

Above all else, pray. The more you pray for your child in specific ways, the closer you will feel to him and the more peace you will feel from God. Remember, God loves your child so much more than you ever could fathom! Rest in that peace and enjoy this next stage.

More is on the way! :)

Pick Your Expert Carefully

One of the cable news networks was doing a piece about a mom who contacted the FCC because ABC ran an ad for one of their steamy nighttime shows during Good Morning America. She was eating breakfast with her 8-year-old son when the ad appeared - a naked man and woman rather busy in bed. She thought this had no place being aired when young children could see it.

So the host brought in three people to discuss this. One was a parenting blogger, one was a a child psychologist and family therapist and the other was a "parenting expert". The first two descriptions pretty much tell me about their qualifications, but the third one? We were not told what made that woman an "expert". But she does have a website.

Let me tell you what the Expert said. Unlike her fellow panelists, she thought it was perfectly fine for a child to see nudity any time of the day or night. After all, they were doing what their parents do anyway and other cultures let their children see things like this.

When the others protested saying they did not want images thrust upon their children that they could not control or limit, the Expert came back saying that violence was far worse than that. Then she shared statistics about media violence. The two others brought the conversation back on topic. The Psychologist  said that developmentally a child that age is not ready for images about the body in that manner, and that viewing them could even be frightening. The Blogger said we cannot take back images once our children see them.

The Expert insisted that there were far worse things than this and that it was perfectly fine.

This interaction demonstrates the often repeated saying that there is a statistic to back up everything - any which way. But we can be smarter than that. We don't need to go looking for some fact to back up what we think. We can think what we do, period. Some times, we might be the only one in the crowd taking a stand. I sure know what that feels like. Other times, we may have some company. Either way, we are standing up for what we believe is in the best interest of our children.

Sometimes with further information, we may change our minds. I've done that. A fierce "no" has become an "okay" instead. When that is the case, I explain why I updated my thinking. Then my children learn that I am learning, too. The same is true when I have had to revoke a permission. "I know we had told you that it would be okay to ______, but here is some information that now has me concerned:________."  All is presented calmly and clearly. They know I am placing their best interests first.

The one thing I won't do is do what an expert says just because they say it. I evaluate it within the framework established for my family and check their philosophy. Sometimes I completely disagree with a philosophy but there is a really good nugget I can use. So I use the nugget.

But this time, there wasn't anything I could use from that expert. In my humble opinion, it is not society's job to decide when and what my child sees or experiences. That's my job.

P.S. The show in the ad is described by ABC as "more than just your normal story of infidelity".

Everything Isn't Always As It Seems

This summer I planted two tomato plants. At first I didn't even think they would grow because nothing seemed to happen for weeks. I just kept watering them. Suddenly, the plant on the right really sprouted. I kept watering both but thought we would probably lose the one on the left. Every few days the one on the right continued to surprise me and have another growth spurt.  It even gave birth to some green tomatoes. The one on the left finally decided to grow. It still hasn't produced any tomatoes, but it is flowering like crazy and is now taller than the one on the right.

I sure wouldn't have predicted this.

Isn't this just like life? Things look one way to us but often turn out surprisingly different once they unfold. Or, we just get more information.

Simple things like walking in the room and finding a broken lamp on the floor and several sheepish kids standing nearby. If we were but to ask "What were you trying to accomplish?" rather than begin a tirade, we might find out they weren't throwing things but were trying to dust the lamp.

Simple things like hearing screams and walking in on your kids fighting and assuming the loudest one or the oldest one surely must have started it. That quiet one, that younger one may just have your number and is enjoying their secret power.

Medium things like thinking your child who does not like school is a disappointment or isn't very smart because that is what their grades say. Perhaps they do not learn well in a classroom setting catering to auditory, compliant learners? Maybe they need to walk around as they read? Or maybe they might need extra help?

Medium things like getting an incident report sent home from your child's high school noting that your son vandalized property and immediately yelling at him. After all, he is one of those teenage boys. If you were to ask him before accepting the report as valid, you might learn all he did was unplug some computer cables in the PC lab out of boredom and the teacher checked the "most appropriate" box on a poorly designed form.

Hard things like your daughter's most smiley friend is actually the one with the most problems or is actually deviously hurting your child behind your back. Just because someone looks you in the eye and is a charmer doesn't mean that is who they are when you aren't around. Worse yet, a child in emotional or physical pain could do the same thing.

And the worst thing like your own child faking you out. They are so nice and compliant and never make a noise. They must be good, right? After all, they are quiet and they are good because they never make a peep and do well in school and might even volunteer at church camp. They feed you the lines you want to hear and you believe them... only to find out later you were played as they racked up warrants and failures such as stealing your credit card and getting DUI's. They just schmoozed you to get by and keep you in tow.

I have met people in each of the above examples. One is even mine. The stupid vandalism citation. The school's form actually categorized it as "terrorism" and did I let them have it for such a broad category. And yes, we told our son not to disrupt the class even though his father and I would have probably done the same thing. No harm was intended.

The reason I like my tomato plants is because something good and unexpected is happening  and I like to think that good things happen in life and that we should be less narrow minded and more hopeful. And we just need to keep watering so we don't miss out.

I Didn't Treat My Kids The Same

Ever meet a family and wonder how one kid looks or acts nothing like anybody else? I love to look at features and movements and note familial similarities. Sometimes while walking behind a father and son as they enter Target I'll grin because they walk the same way or swing their arms the same. Once I saw a worried mother with her baby daughter in the cart with the exact same worried expression!

Most parents would say they tried to treat their children the same. If Tommy got a treat, so did Susie. It's only fair. If big sis gets her ears pierced at age 10, so will little sis. They all get to go to camp.

In my case I didn't treat my children the same for several reasons and in this order:
1. They were born 10 years apart
2. They had different temperaments
3. They were different genders
4. Our family situation was financially different each time

First-born daughter loved books from the moment she could sit up and hold a board book. She didn't want to be held and being sent to her room was paradise. There she could do her arts and crafts, draw or write. She read through the entire World Book Encyclopedia, one book at a time and remembered almost everything she ever read. School was important to her and so were her grades (for most of the time anyway).  Basketball was her love each year beginning in first grade.

She had a trust fund and wanted for nothing. Because of the trust, she was able to attend summer sleepover camps, including the prestigious Stanford Basketball Camp. She was able to purchase new wardrobes each school year as well as the class ring. She went to private schools and owned every piece of the uniform options. She had a cell phone and computer system rivaling most. She had great looking bedroom furniture. In addition, she went on several mission trips and vacations with high school friends. Thanks to her trust, she was able to apply to any college in the country and have all four years paid for. Anything we did as a family came out of the family coffers, not the trust. We lived in the same house through middle school and high school and enjoyed decorating and remodeling it.

Ten years later along came our son. I think the doctors blew the due date and induced him too early because he was smaller than a premie, jaundiced and screaming for weeks. When he finally hit 6 weeks old, the screaming stopped but he always wanted to be held. All the time. His favorite toys were rubbery, small and squishy. He was too impatient for books, although we could get through at least a bedtime story if we skipped some pages. He wanted to know how things worked. When he was 18 months old, we gave him a hammer and he went around our old deck hammering in nails. He was thrilled with parks, climbing towers and trees. School was and is a torture to be endured. In third grade all he brought home were pictures of dragons and monsters he drew during class. I worried that he didn't know how to draw people. If you sent him to his room he was mortified to be away from people. He tried a number of team sports but fell in love with skiing and going fast even more.

We lost our home and went bankrupt when he was 11 and I lost my job. Over the next few years we down sized, down sized and down sized again. We have sold or given away more stuff than we have. We weren't rich and we weren't hoarders, but all you need is a box or two of grandma's quilts and mom's china to start a pile. Not counting our home, we have moved 4 times in the past 5 years. The familiar homestead does not exist for our son. For him, the only thing familiar are the people. He got his furniture one piece at a time spread out over years. At one point, I noticed his feet looked too small for his 12-year old height and suggested we go buy a new pair of shoes. He had been curling his toes in order to spare us the shoe expense. The new pair I forced on him were 2 sizes bigger!

What a time to suffer financial hardship for a kid entering the expensive teen years. But as I reflect on it, it turned out to be a blessing. When things went south for us it was happening to a number of other families, too. When I would chat with worried mothers fretting about what they could no longer buy for their kids, I tried to get them to focus on the relationships first. Not that I liked counting every single penny but not having stuff wasn't as important as our relationships and our health.

We had to learn to wait for anything that wasn't going directly on the table. Even liquid hand pump soap became a luxury. We litterally saved our change for extras.  We learned together how to find the meat on sale and going to a movie became a very big deal. In short, we learned to appreciate the simple things and drew close in this quest. Here I thought we had been simple all along. But we went from buying Valentine's cards and gifts to making a special meal. We started a new family tradition.

Not only have I learned my children's temperments and love languages, I have learned to navigate life's challenges along with them. One thing that is the same is that they have been shown how to grow through trials and forge ahead.

Mom on Strike

 

I love to tell this true story.

There was a mom of two kids, ten years apart in age. She was also a wife and worked full-time and was taking graduate classes. Her full time job included a lot of  "on call" activities that could not be predicted. In addition to these roles,  she spent a minimum of 3 hours each day driving her kids to and from school in stop and go traffic. We all know that is simply a cue to pull your hair out, especially with the youngest one kicking at the back of the driver's seat and there is nothing you can do about it right then except take a deep breath.

Well this mom was making sure there was food in the refrigerator and on the table, doing the laundry and leading the call to arms regarding basic housekeeping. She was even beginning to experiment with recipes besides casseroles.

Day after day she tried her best to provide her family with clean surroundings, fresh food and guidance while supporting their diverse needs. One day, she had had enough of the lack of help and appreciation from them. She was tired of wiping down the kitchen counter again after someone else when she always left things clean.

"I'm done," she told her family. "I am going on strike. I don't feel that you guys appreciate what I do for you so from now on, I'm not going to do anything. Have at it." At first the eldest and the husband thought she was just on a mini rant and soon she'd be back. She just had to be kidding.

This mom kept her word. She made sure that the youngest was fed and his laundry done, but that was it.  She ate what she wanted, when she wanted and retreated at night to study or watch a decorating show. She was pleasant when she encountered her family members, but she did nothing for them. She didn't do anything against them either. She let go of her mental picture of how tidy things needed to be and even left her own dishes in the sink at times.

The strike lasted 6 months.

That mom was me. After a season, I didn't need to stay on strike. My family had learned what I did for them and I had relaxed from the stress of being my own wife. They learned to appreciate me and I learned I had been doing too much. I did not regret the decisions to start or end the strike. It had been worth it.

Fast forward a dozen years. Everyone pitches in now. Any one of us can flip a load of laundry or put the dishes away. Any one of us can take the full can of trash out without being prompted. And we all say thank you to who ever made dinner or cooked the eggs. And sometimes, just because, we leave the dishes in the sink overnight. Why not? It won't hurt anyone.