The Most Important Thing Parents Can Do

A few weeks ago I was on a long drive home and listening to Dr. Laura, my favorite radio shrink. I like to listen to the caller and prescribe advice and see if I match the good doctor. That day I was right and she was partially right.

Dr. Laura asked the listeners to answer this question: "What is the most important thing contributing to a child's life?" Her answer: An in tact family that eats dinner together. My answer: A family that bases their life on God AND spends time together.

Dr. Laura nails it when she prescribes time around the table sharing a meal and having natural conversations. Connecting as a family after spending time apart, fueling our bodies and being affirmed that we matter is bonding. However, if that is all we do to bond, we are missing the foundation. Don't we want our children to know
why we care to be together? Why family is important? Why we desire a certain outcome for their lives?

The dinner table is but a means to invest in our family. There are many methods, but only one main reason. That reason is to ensure our children know who God is and that God has provided a purpose for their lives beyond themselves. If we merely focus on ego-building dinners, our kids will get the mistaken idea that they are the stars of their lives. If we add more than esteem and expose them to God's Word and fun ways to understand him, we will launch well-grounded young adults who will see beyond themselves. That's been my goal as a parent.

What are some ways besides dinner to bond and coach our kids on a faith journey? There are great videos out there that dramatize stories from the Bible that can be played in clips and used as discussion-launchers. A new series that is one of the best I've seen is The Bible, produced by Mark Burnett and Roma Downy. Kids 5 and up can see this in small doses. Another thing to do is to attend dramas or presentations targeting children and bringing Bible teaching to them. One of my favorites is one a colleague of mine presents on the Seder. You could even reenact stories as a family. There are also Bible story books and CDs designed to tell God's story in contemporary language you could listen to or read as a family. Not only that, check out some family Bible trivia games. Volunteering as a family is a huge way for kids to experience personal contributions to others.

Something we do as a part of daily life is to observe what is happening in nature and our community and link it back to God. We also pray for situations we hear and see in the media. I have taught my kids that when we pray for the ambulance we hear, we may be the only person praying for that situation. Several years ago after praying for the sirens near my house, I later learned that one of my best friends had been in a near fatal car accident.

The main thing is to tailor your coaching to your family's style and the personalities and ages of your kids. Keep it fresh, keep it short, keep it constant. Your family is the only team your child will always belong to and loved unconditionally. Celebrate this daily!

How to Drop Off Your Child in Sunday School

I spend a lot of time in Starbucks when I am lucky. It doesn't matter what city I am in, if there is a Starbucks with seating, customers all enter the store the same way.

We have our backpack/laptop slung over one shoulder and pull the big silver bar handle open. As we step inside, we do two things. First we quickly scan the store to appraise the layout. Second, in the same glance we are also noting where we would like to sit. The seating is very important, because if all options are full we will merely stride to the counter and order. If we can see a place to park and unpack, we may even deposit our bag there en route to the counter. This manouver is particularly important in larger cities. Sometimes you even have to stand for awhile if you are determined to sit down and get some work done.

Kids do the same thing when they enter a classroom or group setting, they just don't have a laptop over their shoulder.

They stand at the entrance and wonder who is going to welcome them and if there is a comforting and secure place for them to settle in for a period of time. Depending on what they see and how they perceive it makes the difference between a positive experience and possible return.

This is essential for Sunday School classes. There must be a welcoming person at the doorway who makes eye contact and specifically welcomes little Tabitha. As she enters the room, she needs to know what is going to happen next and what is expected of her. Where should she sit or stand? What should she do? What is acceptable behaivor in this venue? If Tabitha doesn't pick up on these answers within the first 30 seconds, she is going to turn and draw into her parent's leg and whisper that she doesn't want to stay.

Kids and parents should enter the room seeing a variety of upbeat activities that give children a chance to settle in and absorb their surroundings. There should be generic floor or table games, something to do with their hands (play-doh, color), something to create with others (Jenga, marble mazes, magnets) and something to encourage conversation. Youth and adult leaders should be weaving their way around the room greeting children, introducing themselves and children to one another. Upbeat music should be playing in the background.

When it is time to start the lesson, the music should dim and the leader should step up and welcome everyone. By asking who is a first time friend, the rest of the group can say hello. By asking who has a birthday, the rest of the group gets a chance to celebrate a big deal. The leader should also give a brief outline of what will take place that hour. Kids need to know what to expect even if it is the same format and group each week. It also doesn't hurt to remind the group of a key rule (listening when leaders speak, walking vs. running, etc.).

Using this format, I have seen even the most tense kindergartner in a room with kids as old as 6th grade settle in and enjoy the experience. Parents need to be assuring and upbeat when signing in the child, and the teaching team needs to remember each child is trying to figure out if they belong.

Tip: Parents and grandparents should be prepared to nonchallantly stay with their younger children the first few times they are coming to a class that is new for them. If the parents stay, they need to model full and enthusiastic participation. By the time their child is ready to stay alone, they will remember that Dad did this too and feel more confident. When determining whether or not to stay, do not ask your child. Just observe the room and based on what you know about your child, make it casual. Same thing goes when you leave them.

You wouldn't believe how many times I've seen a parent bend down to a big-eyed child and say, "Now Isaac, Mommy is going to go into big church and you need to stay here and have fun, okay? I am leaving now. It won't be for long." ACK! All that did was amp up any caution on Isaac's part and he's ready for terror. Here's another one I see often: "You need to stay. No, you can't come with me. Now stay here. Go play. No, you stay! I told you to stay now stop it." These words are usually hissed as the parent is just about shaking their cling-on off their leg.

A top-notch teaching team knows some of these struggles and is on hand to distract and engage your child as you sign them in. "Janey, we are going to make our own hats today." You smile and say how cool that sounds and smile over your shoulder as you glide down the hall.

If that works, whatever you do when you pick your child up, do not say "now that wasn't so bad was it? Would you like to do that again?" ACK again. Simply ask what they did, affirm their experience and move on. Do this as you are picking up take-home items and putting on a coat. Don't stand there as if this is a lecture. You might say something about how glad you are that they had self control or were a good participant, but words are not always necessary. Seeing a parent calmly value their capabilities speaks volumes.

Are All Efforts Equal?

When I was in middle school P.E., our gym teacher gave the class an option of A, B, or C Routines to prepare for during the gymnastics unit. Each routine had increasingly difficult manouevers. If the student included each element during their final performance, they would earn that grade for the quarter.

Because I have never been able to do a cartwheel, I was not able to consider the complete C Routine. I could do some of the elements in the B and all of those in C, just no cartwheel. So, I devised a "D Routine" and worked hard practicing all my steps, minus the cartwheel. When the day came to perform our routines, a group gathered around the mats with curious smiles because they couldn't believe I was trying to get a D.

Our gym teacher was impressed that I had taken the initiative in spite of the fact that my wrists are not gymnastically friendly. She gave me a C+.

I did the best I could within the parameters required, but I could not perform to the standard. At age 13 I understood that some people can do things that others can't do and was comfortable with my clumsiness in that area.

Do we need to teach our children that they should be good at everything they do? That in absolutely every single they do, they are expected to be gold standard? From posture and manners to figuring out electronic games and performing in sports? Don't forget academics!

Has anyone noticed that there is only one Gold medal per sport? One Super Bowl winner? One fastest selling laptop? One New York Times bestseller at a time? One Number One chart-topping-hit? One Oscar for Best Picture? One oldest person in the world?

If we agree with this, then why do we allow our children to think otherwise? That everyone is super-great-awesome-special-top-performing? YES, to God we are all unique snowflakes with gifts and charachter he delights in. In that way we are all super-great-awesome-special. But we all can't have a 4.5 GPA. We all can't win the race or be the MVP. That is reality.

The sooner we teach our kids that who they are is more important than what they do, the sooner we get rid of the mentality that it's everyone or no one who gets an honors award. In life, some people win awards. Most do not. Do we work hard for the award or for the work itself? Achievment is not equal nor should it be, because we all have different capabilities and passions. (I don't want to be the best cook in the world, but I want his recipes!)

If we continue to bend toward the thinking that "someone might feel bad" and water down achievements, we will continue to diminish the value of trying hard and accomplishments based on merit. Do we want a country where everyone gets a C because that's "fair", and knowingly diminish those who excel? Isn't this teaching people not to try, because everyone will get a certificate anyway?

We can't deny that kids learn things at different speeds. Like tying shoes. Should we outlaw shoes with laces so that every child feels good about their shoe skills? The artificial equality in performance has to stop.

Let's recognize and encourage our kids in their areas of giftedness. Some of it will appear on a report card or come home as a medal. Some of it might be seen only by your family, not on a jumbo tron. At least they will be valued for who they are. Now that's something I want every child to understand.

P.S. I Told You So

There is nothing that can get the fur on the back of my neck to rise like hearing a parent, teacher or anyone in charge of a child tell them "I told you that would happen if you did that. Now look, you'll_________ (fill in the blank)." Way to destroy a relationship and teach a child to need your input on every life decision. Not a way to teach responsibility or confidence.

One of my favorite parenting workshops to lead is based upon the reality discipline principles of Dr. Kevin Leman. I have read and used his materials for over twenty years and I can attest to the fact that his stuff really works..that is, if you follow it. It's as easy as zipping lips. If you are like me, that will be hard at first but well worth your effort.

Reality discipline lets the real world do the teaching and the childen experience the natural consequences. If things go well, they have another notch in their belt of self development. If they don't listen and mess up, wonderful! If you handle the mess-up well, they will learn even more.

A simple example for younger kids: It's cold outside and you are getting ready to go. You calmly tell Tommy that it's cold and he should grab his jacket. (Neutral, non-lecturing tone) You are certain he hears you, but he does not comply. He thinks it is just fine out. Rather than cajole him, simply say it's cold and lead the way out to the car. Go where you were going. If Tommy complains that he is cold, shrug and say "yeah, I'd be cold too without my jacket". Keep on doing whatever it is you were doing. Do not engage in discussion, reminding, or dialog. If he brings it up again, say "Bummer!" You stay neutral and pleasant. Resist the urge when you arrive home to bring up the jacket or tell him he should have listened to you because he got cold. Drop it. Next time you gently suggest a jacket, bet he'll get it if indeed he was cold.

Teenage example: Daughter Sally is going on a youth retreat and you have already taught her how to pack. Youth leaders provide a packing list for the kids, so this is between the two of them. All I would say is "Sally, the retreat is coming up in a couple of days, did you get the packing list?" If she says yes, I would be sure she knew where to find things that might be stored away like sleeping bags and duffle bags, otherwise that would be the end of it. About an hour before we leave to meet the group I would ask her if she packed what she needed from the list. If she says yes, I would smile and say we'll be leaving at 4:00. End of story.

If she comes home and said she forgot her shorts or another pair of shoes or whatever, I would agree with her that it was a bummer and ask what she did with those wet shoes. That's it. No lecture. No saying "Bet you wish you would have double checked." Just join her in her moment. Next time, she will double check more completely. If you communicate her "failure" you have not only taught her that she needs you more than she really does, you have alienated a part of her. The part that you will wonder about in ten years when she doesn't like to come over and hang out as much as she does as her in-laws.

I could go on and on with reality examples because I've experienced them personally as well as alongside many other families in my years coaching parents. What's the verse that tells us to watch out for our tongues?

Zip it. We can't take back the words, the tone or the meaning.

Neutral tones like Switzerland keeps the communication open...

Invisible Love

Currently, there is lots of media attention being paid to online relationships – especially ones where it turns out the people have never even met but have fallen deeply in love. These relationships have lasted for years and are real in every way: deep sharing occurs, trust is established, the other is valued, life is celebrated, gifts are exchanged and lives are impacted. All without ever having met.

People are eager and willing to enter into and continue relationships based upon information presented online. They open their lives, hearts and wallets – all without ever having met the other person. (The skeptic in me pictures the person on the other end as some nut living in his grandmother's basement with his PC parked next to the water heater.)

What amazing trust – offered without question sometimes even more quickly than face to face relationships. People investing in these "invisible" relationships confidently defend their actions by declaring it is “love”.

At the core of everyone is a deep need to be loved and cherished. The fact that people would search where there is no complete answer tells us how desperate humans have become. They have completely missed the reason why God created humans in the first place.

This has me thinking about God’s “invisible love”.

What about that? God’s love is not only invisible in today’s economy it is not even valued as much as that invisible love from a keyboard miles away typing into our souls. Why, I wonder, are people so willing to engage in an invisible relationship online rather than develop a real relationship with God through Jesus Christ? Trust is given these online “friends” while real relationships wait on the side lines. And both are equal? In today’s culture I guess so. But not in God’s eyes.

Let’s focus our kids on who is real and investing in their lives. Even though they can’t see God, he is real. Even though they can see the internet icon, faceless “friends” are not real. We’ve got our work cut out for us, haven’t we? Especially with younger kids who are still concrete thinkers.

This is the question parents of today must face. They must know who else is competing for their children’s attention and they must balance that with everyday life. To fail in this is to lose another generation to self-focus and regulate seeking God once again to an option on some life-menu of our own design.

The thing that should shake us to our core is the "menu". When we order, we think we can go back another time and pick something else. We’re fooled into thinking that all choices are equal. They’re not. What we do with our relationship with God is truly more important than anything else. Our kids need to know what that looks like and how much more real that is in their techno-online-CGI-instant world. Just because they cannot see or touch it, does not mean we can not point them to the evidence of how real God is.

This will look different for each child. My prayer is for each parent to find that ah-ha connection where you are able to communicate the real love of a real God to your child. For me, it means I have lots of conversations with God. He loves our kids more than we do, so I’d say we have the best resource available. And we don’t even have to Google him.

Baby "Thrash-Herself-to-Sleep"

When I became a mother for the first time, I was a young woman in awe. In awe of the life I had carried, birthed and would now parent. I marveled at her innocent round cheeks and button nose, and her tiny fingers and toes. Everything about her enthralled me. Every material thing we had acquired to support her new life delighted me. Each onesie was carefully washed and sorted. Her every outfit was thought out with care. I remember feeling so special to be able to have this precious baby in my life, and learning what it meant to share life with her was a treasure of discoveries.

While pregnant, I had refinished a rocking chair and repainted in a glossy white. It was topped with a soft colored pillow set to protect my back and seat where I would no doubt spend countless hours rocking my little lamb to sleep with the gentle night light glowing behind our special chair in her sweet nursery.

Imagine my surprise when it didn’t turn out like that at all! This little lamb had her own idea about what it meant to fall asleep as early as two weeks of age. It didn’t include me. Following the evening bath, feeding, diapers and pajamas, I would wrap her in a receiving blanket, put on soft music and gather her in my arms. My idea was to rock her slowly to sleep and then tip-toe to the crib. Her idea was to go to sleep on her own by wiggling and thrashing about for several minutes before entering baby dreamland. She didn’t want my arms anywhere near her. In fact, she didn’t want me anywhere near her.

It took a few weeks to believe that what I was experiencing was truly what she wanted. It was amazing to see how fast she would put herself to sleep in this fashion. I was left to step backwards out of her room, staring unblinking at that new life in the crib who didn’t agree with my romantic plan for nite-nite time.

Aren't we all guilty of something like this when it comes to what we think it should be or what we want it to be with our children? We have our own mental picture whether it’s based on our own history, baggage – or imagination – and when it doesn't work, we stutter and wonder what to do next. Do we force things to fit our idea? Do we flow? Aren’t we the parents?

We are the parents, but I think we can learn to listen and notice who our children are and what their “style” is. Go with what you learn from them about who they are and what they need individually. One child may need more assurance, another might need more direction. One may be sensitive, one may be wild. No one parenting recipe could possibly cover multiple “styles”.

Even though my baby and I weren't doing bedtime the way I had dreamed about, I knew she knew I loved her as I left her to thrash away. I just had to learn to show my love in an understanding way that honored her needs. This was okay.

It takes some work and prayer, but I believe we can give each of our children the parental love they need in the way they need it. Would you buy an artist skis? Unless they are a skiing artist, you probably wouldn't. Would you expect abstract thinking from a kindergartner? Is it okay if your teenager doesn't want their driver’s license at the same time all their friends do? What if your kid doesn't want to play a sport? We need to learn what excites our kids and where their strengths lie. Find out their dreams and concerns and tailor-make your relationship to suit their personality and goals. And above all, help them to feel secure and loved in their own skin because of exactly who they are.

A really good book that helps parents and grandparents understand different love languages is The Five Love Languages of Children, by Gary D. Chapman.