Don't Get Ready For Christmas

This is the time of year when complete strangers may ask you if you are "ready for Christmas". Or they do the mental math to let you know "how many days you have left". Friends and workplaces have Christmas parties. Churches invite us to come and hear the children sing. Many of us postpone non-Christmas activities until "after the holidays". Everywhere we turn we are invited to have a better celebration if we would only just buy something.

Buy something? Isn't it more like buy everything? The other day I listened to a local radio station for 70 minutes. After every third Christmas carol there were four minutes of commercials, each geared toward a consumer purchase.

One ad offered a toll free number your kids can call to tell Santa what they want, then played an actual recording. Here's what the kid said to Santa: "I want a computer and a dog." Nothing like putting on the pressure. What if the family is not up for the work a new pet takes? Even the cheapest computers are still several hundred dollars. That kid has expensive wants and might get disappointed when he sees what Santa was able to do.

I wrinkled my nose when the announcer described this opportunity for your kids to "tell Santa what they want". No mention of gratitude, giving or celebration. Just go tell him what you want! And then some parent actually had little Jim call the number! Seriously? And the kid didn't even say please or use proper phone ediquette. Wait - maybe he hasn't been taught that yet. But he sure knows how to TELL what he wants.

Why would you want your kid to know how to ask for stuff before learning how to be polite to others? Some parent out there was just following the Christmas Crowd. You know, the ones who do it "because" without thinking it through. Christmas is about presents, so let's do that right. Get a lot of stuff for your kids so they have things to open. It will make them happy. Let's go see (or call) Santa to give him the list of wants. Yes, go sit on a stranger's lap (that's completely normal, no?) and lie and say you were good this year so you can get that pony. Teach kids that they "get" when they are "good". Don't "be good" for free! Only get the things on the list because any variance will disappoint. Be sure the other gift-givers follow the list, too. Don't mess this up.

Perhaps filling all the list items for every relative, friend and mailman is what people are referring to when they groan and say they are not ready? They have stores to visit and gifts to wrap. I heard not one but two car commercials (two different companies) telling me to really make their Christmas with new wheels. Snap. Why not?

The commercialism I saw as a little girl was gentle compared to the in-your-face commercialism on steroids of today. I usually only listen to internet radio so I'm spared from the insipid local ads telling me to order that Christmas fruit or tickets. By the end of the 70 minutes, I wanted to go home and take down the tree we are still putting up. Enough with the dangling of a new something with the false promise that it will make me happy. I work with some people who subsist on government assistance in order to sometimes have cheese on the table. What do these ads do to them? It discourages the parent who can't afford a single gift but the kid's eyes light up with hope when they see or hear a commercial. "Could I have one?" they ask. Mom shakes her head sadly, no.

My biggest problem with all the ads is that each item - whether a book or a car - is touted as "only" costing this much. Even if it was "only $19.99", it would cost a lot more if you really did "buy one for all the people on your list". I don't like the lie that money is easy because shopping is easy. Who really has enough in the bank to buy all the stuff the marketers tell us we want? What is the message we're getting?

We go buy stuff we don't need with money we don't have. I frequently hear people tell me they will be paying for Christmas until May. Or they groan about how much they are spending on gifts.  Why do that? Let's leave it in December. If you live in North America, I can tell you that you don't "need" any of the stuff being promoted. Those are wants. We need food and shelter. And we truly will suffer without that. But we don't need the latest smart phone.

The over-focus on wants is tearing into the character of entire generations. The majority of our kids have more toys than they can play with in a month - why add to the pile unless you are going to recycle? (I've heard of an online toy rental where a new box comes each time you return one - genius!) It's overwhelming. How about we teach our kids about giving instead? And not necessarily stuff - but a pie? A chore? A song? Draw a picture? And in the process, we can limit the gifts so that they can actually enjoy and appreciate a present.

It's never too late to reel it in. Just because you used to have a moving van pull up loaded with brightly wrapped packages doesn't mean that you must continue. And, you can ask doting grandparents to join you. I would also refrain from wrapping up the new comforter they neeed so that they can unwrap it. Teach them to be grateful for even one present and don't confuse them into thinking that they need volume in order to have "good" Christmas.

Lost in the blare of Christmas carols and rush to shop and decorate is the reason why we really celebrate. Be sure that Jesus' birthday is the biggest deal of all. Less truly is more.

Merry Christmas!

P.S. Our family is not doing any gifts this year and I couldn't be more excited. We will feast and be together. #bliss

#photo credit: Tuna Melts My Heart

Want More, Have More, Buy More

That's what I told my kids ever since they were old enough to watch TV when commercials would come on. I would pause the ad and point to the screen. "See that?? The people who made this commerical want you to want that. They made this so you would think you need this. It's a trick." I repeated this, or asked them what they thought the media wanted them to think every time a commercial came on. And yes, I started this when they were under the age of two. And no, they didn't initially embrace my comments.

When each of my kids was first introduced to marketing greed inducers, they would tell me that the thing on TV was a good thing. And of course sometimes it was... like who doesn't need deoderant? I was laying the groundwork to build on later. In the early years, I just wanted them to see that when they saw a Cheerios commercial it was telling them to go get some "now" when it sould be their idea when it is they choose to eat cereal. Both of my four-year-olds argued with me and insisted there was nothing wrong with the nice car on the TV. And that toy certainly looked cool. I continued on with my mantra with a smile, certain things would "click" eventually.

Sometimes I even commented that a commercial made me want to go there to do that. But I followed it by saying that I would have to save up and that would take time. That beautiful resort in the Caribbean was going to have to wait though, because we needed new tires first. Once all the toy commericals revved up every November I had a lot of material to work with. That is when I introduced the concept of greed and the ability to wait.

Advertisers want us to throw the budgets and our patience right out the window and splurge on their items right away. Spending money without thought or money we really don't have (also referred to as a credit card) only causes a problem later on. Do we need Legos or food? If the purchase of Legos gets in the way of shoes or the electric bill, there's a problem. If we already have 15 toys that aren't cared for or played with often, why add to the clutter/

Sometimes I would agree that yes, that toy really was cool. Then we would strategize how to save for it. There were envelopes, jars and piggy banks we used for that. My kids learned that if they were saving for that American Girl doll and then spent part of their savings on a video, that doll was now farther from reality. If they insisted they really did want to spend their savings on something else, I only reminded them once that they had another goal, were they sure they wanted to deplete their nest egg for this? If they said yes, I was fine with that. Occaisonally they voiced regret several weeks later, at which point I encouraged them to keep saving. Yes, if they faithfully saved for something and came close to the purchase price, I would throw in a dollar or two or pay the tax. But they had to be responsible for 97% of the funds. And if they broke the thing they bought? No, that's not the time for mom or dad to replace it. Kids need to learn their is a natural consequence if they are not careful. If we dent our car, there isn't a fairy that repairs it for free.

All of this was done without nagging, lecturing or saying "See? I told you so!"

Right now I am plenty sick of material goods. In my career, I am in many homes belonging to families who could not exist without some form of government assistance. Without fail, their children manage to have more toys than mine did and we were not on assistance. They hit garage sales and clearance racks and buy, buy, buy. One only child had so many baby dolls and acessories, toys and games strewn around the house it literally looked like an erruption. More, more, more. And the child did not appreciate what she had. How could she? There were too many things to care for, and even though she was careless, her parent continued the supply.

I think North Americans just plain have too much stuff, and they ignore the cost in their quest to acquire more of it. Then they clutter up their homes with all of it - and when the house over flows, they park in the driveway and fill the garage. When the garage overflows they rent a storage unit. There is a reality show on cable about sleuths who find valuable items left behind when people forget or abandon their storage units. One of the reason I like IKEA is because their furnishings are simple and streamlined. People living in tight  quarters elsewhere in the world do not have the space to pile up stuff. How many stuffed animals does a kid need? How many hundred crayons?

How many board games? And, my pet peeve - how many videos? Especially now with Netflix, do you really need shelves full taking up space? Not only is that more to keep clean and dents the budget, vast quantities lined up like soldiers staring back creates a poor visual of plenty. Kids with lots of stuff don't have the opportunity to learn to care for what they have, and don't learn to wait for things. If they grow up getting the latest thing every time they blink, they will have succumed to Wall Street's mission to be disatisfied with life and want more, have more and need more. It's our job as parents to intervein and redirect how they process all the options out there just waiting to come home in our recyled shopping bag.

"I Hate Homework"

Ever heard that comment? Of course you probably have!

I agree. I hate homework, too.

Public school teachers have a herd of kids to deal with all day long. Little personal attention is available to meet individual needs. Thus, "homework".

Homework used to be for reinforcement of a concept thoroughly introduced and covered in school. Like spelling words. Now, it's a whole new packet of expectations loaded into an overweight backback to be trudged home and diligently worked.

Hours of homework have now become a national expectation. Performance is even based upon time spent doing homework.

Sure, parents groan about it. But inside, I think they may like the idea that their kid is sitting somewhere doing a perceived productive thing that they can brag about to their friends. "Rufus spent
four hours each night doing homework!" = Smart kid. Not.

How completely boring is this? Being forced to sit and do a thing? What about something that totally grabs their attention and passion? Instead of sending a kid off to DO homework, what if they could be engaged and interested? EXPERIENCE the concept, not just read it and circle the answer with a number two pencil that needs sharpening.

When I home schooled our kids for chunks of time, there was no homework because we did the work during our school time. And, hark! Our school time did not last seven hours. More like  three or four and believe me, everything was completely covered. Wanna know why? Because there weren't 23 or 29 other kids to keep in line. Instead of herding a crowd, I was able to focus on the unique learning skills each kid needed.

And... we approached "school" from their learning style. My girl was a learner who needed a story or a pictute. My boy needed to touch and do it. I adapted curriculum in order to reach each of my kiddos. Public and private schools do not have such luxury. I smile when I remember all of the illustrated state fact cards my daughter made. We even laminated them. And I also smile when I remember my son pacing around and around the kitchen table as we worked on US History. Drawing touched her soul, sitting penalized my active son so we adapated and achieved the ultimate goal.

We only home schooled for periods of time, and as it turns out they were the right periods of time during each of my kids's lives. Being 10 years apart, this was during different eras.  I loved "getting inside" my kids' brains and spending close time with them and believe that my investment launched them into future school success.

But, gotta tell you. Homework badgering was never on my talking points.

And when I meet parents frustrated with the volume of homework expected on a daily basis, I groan in empathy. Perhaps they should take an idea out of the 2000's sit com "According to Jim"? Jim and Cheryl were frustrated with all the homework their kids had to do. Jim handled it by going to school and meeting with the teacher to lighten the load. Not a bad idea! But don't follow up like Jim did by saying the reason the family could not support all that homework was because mom Cheryl could not read.

Parents: Let's not allow schools to teach to one learning style and equate the number of worksheets completed as teaching. Yes, there is need for reinforcement. No, there is no need for busy work. Teachers need to ensure the students have grasped the concept enough to follow up at home.

"I Want to Give My Children More Than I Had"

A frequent statement many parents make. They want life to be better for their next gen.

It usually refers to tangible items. A bigger home. Better school. More opportunities. Better toys. You get it.

This thought has never ocurred to me as a firecely kid-loving mom. While I have not been able to provide my kiddos with some of the accutraments of my just slightly priviledged middle class life, I have indeed given them more than I had.

In spades.

So we didn't go skiing at Lake Tahoe, vacation in the Virgin Islands or have a boat. We don't belong to a country club or get huge clothing discounts because of where dad works. There aren't matching his and hers new cars every two years and we can't go off and buy anything we want anytime we want. And we don't have the latest technology toy or season tickets almost all year long. The only delivery we get on a regular basis is the mail.

When my first kid was little, she had just one pair of toddler shoes and I had to save even to purchase her a  $15 crib mobile. Her furniture came on sale from the unpainted furniture store, her carseat was the low end model and videos (yes videos) came one at a time, just like books. Second kid only had two pairs of shoes and inherited all those hard won videos and by then the TV was "old" and could go in the family room. We never bought toy upon toy, just simple ones that lasted. The only clutter you would have seen was when the tote box of Legos or Barbies got dumped out.

The biggest difference between my growing up and that of my children is the emphasis of faith in our lives. My parents took us to church the way you go to the grocery store. It was an acitivity to check off the list. The other 167 hours of our week were not impacted at all. God was in the Sunday box at 11:00. In my very own family, God was part of all 168 hours each week.

Sure there was Sunday, kids clubs and VBS not to mention kids choirs and musicals. But there was also reinforcement as we drove along the road, went for walks, ate and played. There was ongoing prayer - not just at meals or bedtimes. Like praying every time we heard an ambulance or saw a driver being reckless. We prayed often, and aloud. Prayers were short so my kids could learn that God hears every peep. And we didn't just ask for stuff, we prayed for others and said a lot of thank yous. My kids grew up knowing God created the numbers they were learning to add and subtract. God created the potatoes that got made into chips. God created the people who grew up to invent things like iPads. God rules over all, it is humans that mess things up on Earth, not God.

My kids also learned that they were not only delighted in by God, they were also the delight of my life. That did not mean I worked to make them or keep them happy, though. They learned that while to me they were the most special child in the world, they were sitting in school next to 21 other special ones. We emphasized the value of a single person every chance we got. I constantly pointed us to God in whatever circumstance we were in, and sometimes there were tangible answers that the kids could see.  Sometimes we had to rest in the knowledge that God heard, even if we couldn't see.

While my parents goal for me was to marry well, know important people and be someone, I became just that but not in the country club vice president way they hoped. I married a godly man who is invested in our family and is there for us every single day. I know important people because in God's eyes, that is what everyone is. Sure some are even corporate honchos or physicians, and some are farmers, clerks or have special needs. Some are even unsavory. They are all equally important in my eyes. While I can appreciate a custom home decorated like a model, it does not cause me to pee in my panties with shock and awe or behave any differently than I do when I am in a home furnished from a flea market. The only difference is that I ask how to do that cool techniue myself.

And I certainly am someone! No big title or letters after my name. No fat 401K or bank account. No awards or books (yet). But I am someone who is loved by God and loves others, doing my best so that He will one day say "well done" in both the big and small opportunities that came my way. The most important effort to me is in raising children who grow up to be solid citizens and both  contribute to and impact their world. Yes indeed, I am giving my kids more than I had - in spades.

Routines Are Friends

One of my favorite lines in the animated movie Finding Nemo is when Bruce the shark recites the mantra "Fish are friends, not food." I use that voice in my head when referring to routines with our kids. Routines are our friends because they provide the structure and security every child needs, whether they know it or not.

I've met parents so regimented they refuse to adjust a nap or lunch time no matter who is in town. 11:30 is the time, lunch is the agenda, period. They expect everyone else to follow their schedule. I've met parents who packed three backpacks and camped by the sea in Mexico with their toddler for six months. (When they returned, they said they'd never do that again.) I've met parents who go about their own routines and fit the child in - and are surprised to learn their kid is hungry after hours of touring open houses or whatever else was on their adult docket. I've met parents who pack a bag of age-appropriate toddler toys and leave it in the trunk while they visit friends and then follow the kid around the host house telling them "no!" I've been the parent so busy my little one didn't get a nap and experienced consequences of their late afternoon meltdown.

When my girl was 18 months old, we took her on a two-week vacation cross country. She had so many new sights and people to experience, she refused any nap the entire time. On the flight home, she had a super freak melt-down in my arms, wrestling and uncharacteristically pounding against me so hard she knocked my pearl earrings out of my ears. Once home, she solidly collapsed in her crib and slept straight for 24 hours. I learned the hard way that any change in routine impacts our wee ones mightily.

In working with kids and families for several decades, the biggest duh I've learned is that children crave routine. They need to know what comes next. If you are a shoot-from-the-hip carefree person like me, it will take extra work on your part to give your kids the framework they need. But it will be worth your efforts. Most kids want to feel regulated and experience a sense of order. No, they don't want or need a drill sergeant, but they do feel more secure when they can regularly experience routine and just plain know what to expect. My son taught me this as a toddler. He would always ask me what comes next and boom! I figured out that I needed to simmer down and regulate. You bet I did. After all, parenting is not about the parent - it's about giving the kids a secure, safe daily life.

Routines are friends. They may bore you like crazy, but being a parent is about stepping outside yourself and investing in smaller human beings who trust you for no reason at all. I say honor that innocence and provide them the emotional security they not only need, but truly require. That becomes their framework for development.

Breaking this down, it means that kids need a daily schedule. The more you follow the schedule - however loose - the better your kids will function. If you have a special needs child, this is not only important - it is essential. One missed appointment can set a special needs child back multiple steps. If you are making progress, a missed step can force you back to your starting point. No matter what is going on or how you feel, don't skip a routine. I can't tell you how many times I have seen parents regret that as their child continues to float. Keep on keeping on.

Another good thing about routines is that once you have them in place, your home can run itself and you get to just follow along without the pressure of having to come up with something. AND, you can "blame" the routine you have established. Example: "We go to bed at 8:00." "We take baths before bed." "We pack our lunch after dinner." You get the idea. Pouf - no more creation of new talking points. You can mentally rest with a big smile instead, and just love on your kids.

Remain neutral in your speech and go for a simple schedule that gives you a framework for your family to follow. Whatever you do, please do not become a controller. Be an upbeat, calm guider. Controllers drive people away forever. Guiders are there for life.

For instance: Kids will love that Tuesday night is Taco night. They will come to anticipate it and it will comfort them as they move through the turbulence of adolescence and get launched as young adults. Or...What if you establish two days a week as Laundry Day? They will know they get to help fold baskets full or put away stuff. You get the idea. The bigger the family, the more important routines become for obvious reasons.

Routines. The best friend a parent can ever have. Try it. You'll like it. Especially if you want your kids in your life as adults.

Just Put A Bowl of Cherrios On The Floor

When our itty bitties are itty and bitty, we naturally dole out nibblets like mama birds. I understand this. We want our darlings to keep nourished.

But as our precious ones get taller and attend school, I really don't think they need to sit in the nest and still and squawk for snacks to be spit into their billets. (Forget main meals - they can hear you ring the bell or clang the gong for that feed.) They know how to self-feed, don't they? Yet?

Here is what I don't understand: Parents who control snacks. Down to the time of day and number of crackers or apple slices. You know - the age when your kid is school-aged or even able to comprehend.Why give yourself more work? Do you really want to be tied in to more details than necessary?

"Tommy you can only have 3 Rtiz crackers or you will spoil your dinner! Do not even think about asking for one more!", "Sally, you are nine but I need you to ask me first before you get a glass of water and I need to pour it for you." "Roger, you did not finish your kale at lunch so forget any snack now!" These are just a few of the parent diatribes I frequently hear. They are followed by the bugle sound from the old Charlie Brown cartoons when the adult spoke... only now it's the whining from the kid who just wants a little something more to eat. The parent then spends another half hour saying
"no" multiple times.

Boring.

What is the big deal about counting their bites? Sure. If they want to eat a quart of ice cream a half hour before dinner. Or toast a loaf of bread --- unless they are a teen boy, don't worry. They will still eat dinner. Forget that bag of Cheetos. That's a duh.

But hey. If they just got home from school at 4:30 (and unfortunately, I know that happens way too often for elementary kids) please give them a snack!

So what if they get "too full" on veggies and fruits and can't eat all their "dinner"? Who cares?!  They ate well and got multiple servings from the magical Food Pyramid. It's not like they are "too full" of pizza or other conveyor-belt nothings. They ate real food and got full. Time to celebrate, not dictate.

Can you separate from what you experienced while growing up? Your kiddos really can exist along with you but not need to be attached like a leech. I have no memory of my Betty Crocker Mama putting a special cookie on a plate after school. Beaver's mom even poured a special glass of milk. (Bet he got out of school at 2:30!)

When my darlings were in elementary school, I kept the fridge stocked with veggies and fruits. There was a "Kid Zone" in the pantry where I kept repackaged cereal combinations with very little sugar. Let's just call that "gravel". They had full access and did not need to ask me a thing. Between the "gravel" and the fruits and veggies in the fridge, my kids could "free feed" just like our dog. They knew where "their" food was located, could have all the water they wanted and go to the bathroom without permission. I didn't care how much good stuff they ate or water they drank. Heck, add milk to that list. Just as long as they knew where the dishwasher, sink and garbage were.

When I observe parents unnecessarily inserting themselves into situations they make more complicated, I am stupefied. Why add more to the list? If you give your kids good guidelines and provide healthy snack options what does it matter to you?

For me, I didn't even know enough to want to save my brain cells and not waste my breath counting out the correct amount of Gold Fish crackers. Interrupting an adult conversation to go pour a glass of water my child was fully capable of doing did not occur to me. I just didn't see the need to control and simply wanted to raise emerging adults who would make positive decisions on their own.

Snacks? That is indeed sweating the very small stuff. Ahhh just call me lazy or ignorant. Either way, am I ever glad I didn't spend any time on food patrol.

Gots me two great ones!

Dr. Laura Yelled at Me

For real.

Last week I called in to the famous satelite radio shrink to get her opinion about a minor delimma. If you follow my blog, you know I listen to her frequently and agree with about 80% of what she says. But, I disagree with about 60% of the way she says things.

Yes, she has razor sharp acumen and takes a moral stand. Yes, she is witty at times and can readily laugh at herself. And, yes, her on-air show is entertaining. That's the part I need to remember after the unexpected tongue-lashing I received.

I only had to wait about 15 minutes to go on the air. The crisp screener just wanted to know my question, age, first name and state. After 10 minutes of waiting, the screener clicked in to tell me I was next. The caller before me got the good doctor cranky. After she greeted me and I told her I was a long-time fan, I asked my question and began to summarize the backstory so she would have a better picture of my situation.

Well, I didn't get too far before she pounced and snipped at me and told me I was wrong. I said she had given me a lot to think about and she corrected me "no I didn't!!!" and told me I had to do what she had said, it was my duty.  When I tried to add more information, she scolded me and said "who cares??!!" Then she warned me not to be "whiney" or "sulky" when I go and do the right thing she had told me to do. I said I absolutely would not be whiney or sulky and she interrupted me again to tell me what to do and then there was just air. When the radio came back on, I could hear the last paragraph of our conversation. After she hung up on me, she snapped "and that is how it's done!!" to her listeners. She never did get to hear the rest of the information surrounding my situation - she just reacted to the headline.

This bruising got me thinking about how quickly we may jump to conclusions when our spouse or kids are trying to tell us something. We hear just a few words and snap, think we know where this is going and launch into commentary or lecture. The other person is left taken aback and stammering to try and clarify, but it's too late. Our all-knowing brilliance has already filtered, processed and concluded.

The trouble is, in real life it takes longer than 30 seconds to adequately explain a situation so that the listener can hear where you are coming from. Blanket truths cannot be so glibly applied without more information. I'm not talking about every little teeny timy detail. Examples will do. Asking clarifying - not judgmental - questions and comments will also help set the stage. Deciding how this is going to end up without full information will not build your relationship, nor will you be able to give an objective answer.

So many times in my parenting journey, I have jumped to the wrong conclusion and one of my more-patient-than-me kids has calmly explained otherwise. Then I tuck my ignorant head under my wing, apologize and exit the room. I am getting better, but I still jump sometimes. What I have learned is that the times I jump to a negative conclusion in a nano second, I am usually in error. It really wasn't what it looked like or sounded like. My kid really was being a solid citizen - it just didn't initially look like it. More information filled in the gaps.

Judging others is never a wise thing to do. Things are not what they might look like. Going through a divorce a long time ago, my ex insisted I drive his Mercedes because of how expensive the upcoming car tabs were and he wanted to cause me further financial anxiety. Sure, I looked like all was well as I drove that car but I only had $20 in my wallet. No one knew that part, but they sure snarked at me at church about how "hard" I had it. I didn't answer Dr. Laura and I didn't answer those unkind judgers. But am I ever glad my kids took the time to give me some more information all those times when I was out of line and pouncing.

Here's to holding back on instant reactions and getting more information first.

Going Zero-Tolerance on Fits

We've all observed the mom with the screaming kid in Target throwing a fit because they must have that one toy RIGHT NOW. The kid is howling and crying so loudly you can hear him in the back of the store (almost) and he has worked himself into a sweat. Determined to get her way, the kid throws herself on the floor near the cashier to thrash it out. She's thinking if she can only stay loud and embarrassing long enough, she can force her mother to buy her that thing. Surely, mom will cave in. So the kid persists. Other shoppers glance their way and have their own judgmental thoughts. Some even have pity - they've been there. About half the time, I see the distraught mother give in. The fit worked. The kid smiles smugly as they open their "reward" for a job well played. Mom thinks she has bought silence. Mom is wrong. Mom has just made a deposit into the bank account of "Monster".

Did you know that developmentally, fits should not be occurring past the age of four?  That eight-year-old Target kid is way out of line.

The next time you are faced with a fit, try following these guidelines to remain the one with all the power. "Loud" will learn it no longer has control.

1. Don't let them win now. In the big scheme of things, they will lose.  If you want to raise a solid citizen, you cannot allow them to win with a fit. This is indeed one of the hills to die on. I know one family's mom who constantly allowed her son to cry and beg for a toy while grocery shopping. She always gave in and the boy got his toy. While she would tell her older child she was "just doing this to get him to be quiet" she was teaching both that she had no backbone and could be manipulated to perform according to the son's whims. And that is exactly what happened to the boy. He had his mom wrapped around his finger and got everything he wanted. He never learned the life skills of self management or honesty and grew up to become a mysogenist and a criminal with an addiction problem. Today he is 50 years old and still blames everyone else for all his problems. Thanks to that mom who aided and abetted in setting him on the losing path.

Okay, that is an extreme example. But fits can have all the power you give them. Or, they can become fruitless acts that bring about undesirable consequences for the kid attempting to use them as a club to get their way.

2. Keep your cool - even if you have to fake it. Long before my kids were old enough to have a fit, I had determined to become fit-intolerant. Screaming, banging, tapping, whining, crying and threats did not change my mind. My "yes" was yes, and my "no" was no, period. If my kid started a meltdown in a public place, we immediately left and went home. That includes leaving a whole cart of groceries behind. Our message was that behavior was not fit for public consumption. And they did not get to come along the next time, either. If the fit was at home, they were ushered into their room calmly (the key is to remain calm) and told that they can be upset in their room, but the rest of the house was for the happy people. They are welcome to return once they have decided to calm down and be pleasant. "But by all means, go ahead and be as upset for as long as you like...in your room."

Once my kids realized they were bumping into a stone wall of resistance, they gave up attempting to use fits for personal gain and began using their words. Hey - a blessing in disguise!

3. Protect the zen of your home and the rest of the family. Just because one of your kids has decided to get out of control (and I do believe it is a decision) does not mean they are entitled to all the air space and attention in your home. Quite the opposite. No one else needs to be subjected to their noise or actions - that is not fair to them. If a bunch of kids are playing and one doesn't get their way and starts to sulk, ignore them. If they start yelling or hurting other kids - remove them. The opportunity to play is no longer available.  Once they have decided to calm down, personal apologies are in order. 

4. Let your actions and consequences do the talking. Make it unattractive for older fit-throwers to continue on this path. In my work with families, I strongly coach the culprits that it is absolutely unacceptable to throw a fit. Ever. Together, we create a list of "rules" to follow when starting to get angry. They are immediately and calmly dismissed from the area if they start to heat up. Their audience is removed.  If they became destructive, privileges and toys are removed. In an extreme case we removed all of the extra special things that mom was doing. After all, how can there be an exhausting, screaming fit followed by that trip to Dairy Queen later? We cannot reward unacceptable behavior and we can't back down. Especially if you have a repeat offender. One who is sorry a little bit later and sweet as pie only to do it all over again the next day.

In extreme cases, you can bag up the toys for a time and have them earn them back with good behavior. You can also tie things to their behavior. They can watch a TV show later if they have behaved appropriately. They can play a video game if they have managed their emotions.You get the idea. If they have not "earned" the privilege they expected, simply shrug and state that their behavior is their choice. Walk away and do not engage.

5. Give yourself some time-outs. Especially if you are battling some strong wills or special needs every waking hour of the day. Arrange for help and go out for coffee. Sit with your spouse and be sure they understand the level of emotional exhaustion you are dealing with. Get some form of physical exercise. Take a bubble bath, enlist help with the chores. Don't try to do everything on your own. If you are parenting solo, relax some of the expectations you have put on yourself. Cereal can too be a dinner. One family I knew insisted that it was lights out by 7:30 every night in order to have some quiet time in the house for adults. Another family had two hours of quiet each afternoon - the kids did not need to nap, but they had to be on their beds with a book or drawing tablet and they had to keep quiet. Do what it takes to keep your energy up and anxiety down. If it is insanity to go to the grocery store with all the kids, don't. You can go later, get a sitter or order online. And don't tell me it's more expensive. That small delivery fee is worth the lack of hassle and they even accept coupons.

I hope that you don't have the extreme case in your family, but if you do, my heart goes out to you. Hang in and stand firm. The light at the end of the tunnel is the more responsible adult you are developing. Keep that in mind.

And remember, if you get your 11-year-old Red Cross Training, you can do what I did when it got crazy in our house: grab your keys and leave them to figure it out and go enjoy a nice mocha at the local coffee shop.

My Favorite Way To Teach Responsibility

When my first born entered the world I entered the mysterious role of parent. She was an answer to my dreams and I marveled at everything about her, including her messy diapers. All was amazing. In my newfound euphoria, I would tiptoe into her room in the middle of the night and bask in the glow of the nightlight as I gazed upon her new belongings and smiled that all was well. For now, I was the one who put the little bear on the shelf and set some books just-so. In the near future more belongings would be added and she would be the one handling them. Bliss.

What I didn't learn right away was that while it was a joy to see her developing and exploring, I needed to teach her how to take care of her things, too. Yes, I was the mom who ran the Duplos through the dishwasher and rearranged her stacking cups and took inventory of the toy basket in the living room. I loved putting everything away for her.

Her artistic flair emerged early so we were long on the craft supples. By the time she was in Kindergarten, my self-proclaimed "Junk Artist" was collecting empty containers, bits of string, bottle caps and just about anything that could be repurposed and cut, taped, glued or nailed into a "sculpture". Since her art was so meaningful, I took seriously her desire to save things and soon found a large moving box to keep these possibilities in the garage for the moment when a whim hit.
After awhile she was less interested in that form of art, but because she might get back to it one day, I ignorantly saved the box. It wasn't until we moved in Second Grade that I struggled but parted with the contents of her box.

That is when I asked myself the all-important parenting question: Why does that mean more to me than it does to her? Talk about an eye-opener! I was managing her junk and she was off doing something else with complete abandon. Time to switch that around. Just because I loved her and everything that touched her life didn't mean I needed to be the one to handle it.

After I dumped out all the junk from that big box, it was my turn to repurpose and The Take-Away-Box was born. Since that time, I have introduced this concept to hundreds of parents in a variety of venues. My daughter once said, "Mom. Please quit telling all my friends' parents your ideas. They are getting mad at me."

Here's how it works. All you need is a kid who gets some allowance regularly and a big box. I did not pay allowance for chores, it was given to teach money management. (Save, Give, Spend.) Our expectation was that by bedtime each night, all items and toys were to be picked up and put away. After they went to bed, if I found something out of place it went in the Take-Away-Box and had to be bought back. Each item was a quarter, so a pair of shoes in the middle of the room cost 50 cents to redeem. After my daughter taught me that she would just leave that pair of shoes in the Box and wear another pair, I introduced the principle of compound interest. It now cost a quarter each day and if items were still there at the end of the month they were donated.

Markers, Barbies, books, coats and even a violin had to be bought back. It still makes me chuckle to recall the day my girl had to buy her raincoat back because it was raining. And was she ever bummed to have left all those Legos out!

This was such a de-stressor for our family. We would just calmly plop the out-of-place item in the Box and go about our own business. No lectures. No comments. We were very pleasant about the "deposits". Sometimes I would rub my hands together and ask what she planned to leave out because "Mama wants a Mocha!" At the height of the season that we used The Take-Away-Box I did get about one "free" Mocha a week. After ourconsistent response to items not put away throughout the house, our kids did learn that they can't drop and leave things all over and began to set their backpacks near the door, pack up the Crayons and put the game in the closet. The best part about this - aside from me Moachas - was that I didn't hear myself nag or repeat instructions. I didn't even have to talk. When they went looking for something the next day and asked about it I would chirp "Oh, that's in the Take-Away-Box." No further discussion. Nothing came out unless it was financially recovered.

Although we didn't pay for basic chores (beds, dishes, garbage) and expected participation with those as family members, we did offer extra opportunities to earn money so there was a cash flow they learned to manage. Bathroom sink and mirror cleaning was 50 cents. Vacuuming a room was one rate, an entire floor another. The Take-Away-Box taught them that if they didn't care for their things no one else was, either. And that larger toy they were saying up to buy might just have to wait because they had to buy back their library books first.

Any child in Kindergarten on up can benefit from this hands-on technique. When they are getting closer to Middle School, it's time to change it up if they are still offending. We did not have to use it very long at all because the kids determined they would rather spend their money on other things. I sure did like those Mochas though.

The Most Powerful Words A Parent Can Use

Don't we all want to hear our parents say "well done" or appreciate something about us? Ever since I read the book The Blessing by Gary Smalley and Dr. John Trent about 25 years ago, I have worked hard to verbally tell my children something special about them and how God will use it in their futures. In my work, I routinely encourage parents to "picture a special future" for each of their children and to do it out loud.

Many people pass through childhood merely attending life and pouf they're an adult and just go through the motions. Day fades into day fades into years simply functioning - joy is absent. Sometimes it is due to economic or social circumstances. Sometimes it's just because their parents didn't or couldn't picture a special future for them. That's what is called a blessing.

Passing on a blessing was a huge deal in the Old Testament (the part of the Bible that talks about life on this planet before Jesus was born). It's important because it shows us customs and history that feed into today. The Old Testament blessing was a tradition given by the father to the oldest son in the family and carried its weight to his future lineage. It was bestowed hope and a positive pronouncement coveted by the child. It governed his future life from that point forward. A verbal treasure, done just once. An honor with the authority of God behind his father's well chosen words.

Smalley and Trent have concluded - and I agree - that inside the heart of every one of us is a desire to hear a good word from his or her parents. Their book talks about how to give a blessing to our own children, even if we never received it ourselves. This is a powerful thought: You can give something you never received (and even still want) yourself! The book includes rationale on why your parents might have been unable to give you a blessing. Absorbing that will clear your heart and mind so you can give a blessing to your kids. It is one of the most powerful parenting books I have ever read.

I've met adults who were told horrible things while they were growing up. "You are fat", "You are such a klutz", "Why can't you be like your sister?" "When will you ever learn?" "You ruined my life",  "I wish I had had an abortion", "You just have to be like this, don't you??", "You are such a brat", "You're gonna have to be smart cuz your looks won't help", "You're stupid", "What is wrong with you?!?" "Who will ever want to marry you?", "You make me so mad", "I can't wait til you are out of the house." All of the above have been told to people I have met. All of them have damaged souls.

Some condemnation wasn't actually said. It's what wasn't said that damages. Many adults with grown children of their own still ache for their parents to say something positive. To those of us in that boat, I say do the work to let go of that hope. It is likely not to happen and your emotions will do better investing in something worthwhile. Like...the next generation.

So let's influence each generation to come by picturing a special future not once, but as a matter of course as you do life. Let's empower our kids and grandkids to recognize their gifts and strengths and visualize how they can contribute to the world. Or, what I like to call "becoming a solid citizen". You'd be surprised at how many youth can't see beyond tomorrow or maybe their birthday. Many can't even comprehend consequences. Let's help them picture their futures and maybe we can stop just one kid from taking a hammer and breaking in to the gas station down the block.

Are you wondering what to say?

Well, you don't set up a meeting and clear your throat or light candles or even tell the kids you are giving them a blessing. You just do it wherever you happen to be and you notice a quality to affirm. It's about character and ability, so no talking about Sally's cute little button nose that she had no control over.  Say things along these lines: "You are such a great artist - when you are grown up many people will appreciate your pictures." "You were so brave to help me kill that bug. When you're a Daddy, your children will feel safe with you, too." "You are so good at writing stories! You could write a book about adventures." "I know this is hard. This is good practice for other hard things that will happen. You are handling it well." "You are really good at figuring things out, will you please help me put this lamp together?" "You are such a fast learner!" "It's great how you like to try new things - you could go anywhere in the world and talk to people."

Pretty much anything positive that you see your child do or be can be turned into a blessing. Catch them doing something right and every once in awhile, verbalize it to them. Tomorrow will soon be upon them, and we want to get them ready bit by bit. Do this and you know they will pass it on to their children. And so on.

#ImpactingGenerations

The Powerful Effect of Agreement

I accidentally started to learn about this when my girl was about 20 months old. We were driving home and passed by a McDonalds as we exited the grocery store parking lot. "I want to go to McDonalds, Mommy, " she said, sitting forward in her car seat pointing to the Golden Arches. "I do too," I gushed. "Let's go there tomorrow, okay!?!" "OKAY!!" agreed my little one. She snuggled back into her seat for the ride home. And yes, I did take her to get that Happy Meal the next day.

When I deferred the McDonalds visit, I did it partly because I just wanted to get home after a long day, and partly because I wanted to teach her that everything doesn't happen the second we want it to. As she continued to grow up and her little brother came along, I found more uses for "agreeing".

At age five having just been impressed with a virtual tour of a French cheese-making facility on a Mr. Rogers episode, my girl somberly informed me that when she grew up, she wanted to "be a cheese maker." She continued to mention this aspiration for the next five years. I would smile and nod and say it looked like fun. Sometimes I would ask her if she would be sure to make me some, too. By the time she was 10, privately I thought she was capable of an array of amazing careers that used more of her creativity. But I resisted the urge to suggest she think differently. I did tell her I thought she would be good at many things, but only because she was (and is) marvelously talented - not because I didn't want her to make cheese or live in France. (Side note: she's actually a grad student and works with social justice and marginalized people and a graphic artist on the side.)

The first time either child lost their grip on a precious helium balloon they had just been given, I would start jumping wildly in the parking lot and waving excitedly "Bye!" to the disappearing object. The kids didn't hesitate to join me, and every balloon they accidentally let go of after that received the same fond farewell. This is a pre-emptive strike against a fit, but the "agreement" was that the balloon was going away.  They learned that "Away" isn't necessarily a tragedy.

When one of my kids would tell me about something that had upset them and finish with "and it's not fair!!!"  I would agree with them when it really wasn't fair. "You are so right, that is NOT one bit fair, but it happened. I'm sad with you for that. How frustrating." Sometimes that was enough to adjust their view on the situation. Sometimes we would talk about ways to deal with it now that it wasn't fair.

"I want to be a brave soldier when I grow up," said my five-year-old son. Following my own cheese-maker advice, I agreed with his idea. After all, he was five. New ideas would come along. When he was 17 he enrolled in the National Guard and graduated Basic Training before his senior year in high school as one of the youngest graduating soldiers. Five days after he graduates next month, he ships out for a summer of AIT training before starting college in the fall to study architecture.

In college my daughter excitedly called to tell me about the spring break trip she and 3 gal pals were going to take - driving to Florida. Now, that idea was the last thing I liked and thought there was a lot of potential risk. But she was 19. So I just asked about trip details and suggested she get her oil changed before and have friends chip in for gas. She agreed. A week before the trip, she told me they weren't going. When I asked her why, she said she didn't have enough money and didn't want to put more miles on her car. "That is reasonable thinking," I replied. Each time she wanted to do something, we listened to her reasoning and made listening comments, but we did not tell her not to do it. She would come to her own conclusion that was more reasonable after living with the idea for a bit of time.

The take-away from my "agreement" approach is that kids can tell when you enter their world and truly see things from their viewpoint. They need their ideas to be heard. Sometimes, you may not like their idea or want to do it, but you can agree that their idea is a valid one. They can even tell you they don't want to do something, and you can reply that you don't want to do it either - but we have to learn to do things anyway sometimes.

Fully functioning adults need to learn to wait. They need to learn to do things they don't want to do for personal responsibility. They need to learn to make rational decisions. By listening with agreement, you can help foster this in your children as they move from stage to stage.

Oh - and did you notice I did not bring up any form of lecturing? There are no lectures in my world. Telling a kid what to think will not teach them to think independently or confidently. Guiding allows them to absorb things and make it their own. Had I "told" my toddler daughter that we did not have time to go to McDonalds and droned "no" it won't work, she would have had a fit and I would have committed a lecture. Arg. Nothing would have been learned.  I think parents employ the word "no" and lecture far too often and that's why kids end up needing to be told things over and over and not comprehending on their own.

Agreement. Try it, you'll like the results and so will your kids.

How To "Mean Business"

Recently I was visiting a client and their big dog kept wanting to slobber on me. Now I do like dogs, but not the slobber. The owner told the hound "no" several times and the dog ignored her, sat at my feet and looked me in the eye. Frustrated, the owner said "Go to your bed" and he got half-way there before he decided he didn't want to comply. Back he trotted to the fascination of my presence. I looked him in the eye and repeated the owner's command to go to his bed. Off he went. The owner was impressed (so was I). I told her I was a dog whisperer.

It was all in the tone. The dog owner was soft-spoken and seemed to be asking the dog a question, not issuing a command. I've met parents who plead with their kids to listen to them. Their sentences end with a high note as if asking a question. "Time to put our shoes on?" "We have to go now?" It sounds as if they are asking permission to be in authority.

Don't approach your kids with the attitude of "you don't want to listen to me do you?" They will smell that aura before you even enter the room. Use a confident, firm voice and have a serious look in your eyes. Your expression should show you mean business without looking like a stern old crab. Even if you are not calm and confident, you can act like it. I found that the more I acted like it, the more confident I became.

Make statements as if they are a universal truth without variables. Invite no debate. "Feet stay on the floor." "Throwing is for outside." "Painting is at the table." "We use our inside voices." "We pick up the game before dinner." "There is one snack for each of you."

The kinds of questions to ask are the ones you offer two choices for and let the kid decide because either way, you get what you needed them to do taken care of.

Examples: "Tommy do you want to put your shoes on before or after you take your medicine?" "Do you want to buckle your seatbelt or do you want me to?" "Do you want to have a book or music for your nap?" "Do you want to eat your vegetables between your bites of chicken or all at once?"You get the idea. Once you get going, you won't be able to stop. Just don't be offering a six year old his choice of cup colors. This is mostly for the two to five set. It will also work with Special Needs kids.

Not only does "meaning business" involve confidence and tone, it involves consisentency. If you do this for two days and slip back into nagging and retorting, don't expect your child to give you leeway. They need you to be consistent with your approach as much as your rules. Their secuirty comes from the safe parameters you establish and keep. Picture coming home to your house every day with windows, doors, siding or the fence missing. You want the whole house there but you don't know what to expect because sometimes something is gone. That's what it is like for children when parents fail to behave consistently.

And when we aren't consistent, kids invent their own way to cope and it usually involves pushing limits. If you keep things as usual as possible without being a drill sergeant, you will save yourself many futile argeuments and repeated answers.

Speaking of repetition, do that when your child keeps asking you the same thing. Say they had their snack and they want another one and you don't want them to have one (although I would personally give them another apple). You say "There was one snack for each of you." Your child whines that they are still hungry. Your repeat "There was one snack for each of you." Keep saying this. You can end with "Dinner is at six." Whatever you do, do not start a lecture or get into a dialog. If you say things like "That was a large enough snack and you don't finish snacks when I give you two anyway" or "I don't want you to fill up before dinner and you didn't eat all of your lunch and you are wasting food" or anything like that, you are losing your leverage. The more I think about it, I would handle snacks differently. You can keep apples and carrots and sliced carrots in your fridge and let them have it. If they get full, look at what healthy stuff it was.

When you start to barter and over-explain, you have lost your position in their eyes. So the things you want to barter about had better be worth it. Snacks really aren't. I don't think pajamas or showers are either. Holding personal responsibility? You bet. Showing courtesy and respect? Of course. Behaing honestly and ethically all the time? Absolutely.

Remember in all your blood, sweat and tears of child-raising to remember to authentically catch them doing something right as often as you can. Praise and affirmation go a long way in building solid-citizen character and establishing you as a loving, trusting authority. It's a perfect counterpart to meaning business.

Boom! Crash! Shriek!

Ever had this happen in your parenting?

You are in the kitchen and you hear a loud crash coming from the family room. Off you hustle to conduct inspection. As you round the corner at warp speed second only to transporting yourself there a la Star Trek, you spy your kid standing near a lamp that is now laying broken on the floor. Little brother is across the room and both kids are frozen, not knowing whether to stare at you or the lamp.

What do you assume? What do you do?

If you want a kid that doesn't lie and will talk to you as they mature, you do not jump to conclusions and you do not act angry. Yes, even if that was the family heirloom lamp treasured for generations. You stand calmly and first look for blood. If the humans are fine, you calmly ask what they were trying to accomplish. Notice I didn't suggest you say "What were you doing?" Say that and I promise their answer will be "Nothing..."

Remember, your goal is to raise healthy, self-sufficient adults and your objective is to get them to talk. Your words should be non-condemning and open-ended. "Wow, I heard a noise and wanted to be sure you guys are alright. What were you trying to do?" goes a long way in creating dialog. Now, if they say they were playing catch with a brick, you can discipline them for playing outdoor games in the house, and bricks can harm so they are off limits. If they say they were trying to dust for you and knocked it, or if they even say they were wrestling and bumped the table I would not discipline them.

What? You see, that is called an accident. They were not intentionally being reckless. Maybe the wrestlers would have to pay some price to replace the lamp. For sure they can help you clean up. They can get the broom, the garbage bag and rubber gloves for you. They can go  put on socks and stand nearby and help look for glass pieces. They can put the dog in another area. After it's all picked up, they can vacuum. All the while you are calm, you are Switzerland.

Chances are they will show remorse. This is good. Let them say they are sorry, especially if they now realize they ruined a family treasure. (If that's the case, I see a new art project in your future making a mosaic.) Tell them you are sorry it happened, too. They can see you look sad, they just don't need to hear you scream and yell. Even if they were being intentional. They just have to work to repay the fair value. The important thing is that you didn't have to make a trip to the ER.

Conclude with a short plan for next time. What will they do differently? What did they learn? Where can they wrestle and throw things? Conversation over. If they are going to earn $ toward a new item, make a chart of things to do they can check off, but no more discussion until the day their debt is paid.

Do examine your circumstances. Are the kids set up for failure? If you have active kids, it is unreasonable to expect them to sit nicely and play quietly. Too cold to get them outside for more physical movement? Get out one of your Wii fitness games. Don't have any video games like that? Play gym class with them and get them exercising. If your active kids keep doing "wrong" things in your house, it's time to check how you have it set up and what you have on display. They need a zone that is okay to move in. Got a tight apartment and kids that like paint and glue and table messes? Go to Wall-Mart and purchase a yard of oilcloth for about $3. Place it felt-side down on your table and voila - your kids can create all they want and your table is safe. You should see the years of paint and marker stains on mine. I just wipe it and roll it for next time.

Rather than grip and suspect - hold your kids loosely in the palm of your hand. Find out what they were trying to do before you open your mouth and put your hands on your hips. If they grow up condemned by you, they will lie out of fear of your unreasonable wrath. They don't really want to get in trouble, but they will if you don't establish clear guidelines or are unreasonable. And they surely will need constant supervision if you train them to come to you for every little thing. All that does is prolong their ability to make sound decisions. Isn't that one of the core values parents want to instill?

Here's to calmer crashes in your house.

Got a Bratty Kid?

Arg. Don't you just cringe when you encounter a kid who can't see beyond their eyebrows and elbows? They can be a preschooler, pre-teen or professional teen. No matter what, it's just a stab in your heart to find out your very own kid is a big fat selfish brat.

If you are such a parent that can recognize your kid's brattiness, congratuations! Most will do anything to cover up or ignore this awful truth. Better instead that you get it and know how to pray and react.

Who in the world wants to give a nod to the sullen fact that their kid is such a disappointment in this category?  Maybe only their recent behavior is the reason. Maybe their whole life is the reason. Maybe it's somewhere in-between. No matter what, hats off to parents who acknowledge and stop protecting or ignoring this truth.

No matter when you realize that you have a home-grown brat, I refuse to believe it is ever too late to introduce reality parenting and nip this nasty right off the vine.

Now that you have taken a deep breath and acknowledged what others already know, let's get to work. My guess is that you probably already know why your kid is such a brat. Have they been over indulged?  Have they ever been told "no" or "wait'? Can they interrupt you at any time or are they the center of your bragging universe? Yep. That's why. And if you recently added another sibling to the family mix, that's another double-why.

A brat is someone that only thinks of themselves and has not yet learned there are other people in the world. It is well past the time to introduce this truth.

Any easy first lesson is to tell your child that they have to wait for (insert numerical age here) minutes until snack. Set your smart phone timer for that number of minutes. They can occupy themselves at the table in any quiet way, but in silence. If they talk, you don't - and you reset the timer. Keep going until they do it and congratulate them for a good job waiting. Do this every day for a week and extend the time. After a week, promise them a special outing (movie, zoo, park) to take place in another week and teach them to count down the days. Congratulate them for a good job anticipating,

Okay, so they are on track for waiting and anticipating on their own. Now add in people. Play family games and model what it is like to be a good sport and play fair. Keep going. For me, nothing gets a kid's attention like when I act like the worst example of what I am trying to teach. They jump in and start telling me how to behave. You could act selfish and pouty and see what your kid does. The goal is to get them to see what others's feel like and curb that behavior. Be sure to arch your eyebrows and give them a knowing look when they arrive at this conclusion.

Still having trouble with selfishness?  The list is endless. Volunteer as a family in your community. Work together to help others. Do yard work or chores as a family to make the house clean for everyone. Have your offender host a party for other kids and model how to be a host and serve others. Teach your kid how to make a grocery list and have them pick out all the items. Teach them how to shop for and cook a family dinner - weekly.

Avoid giving kids everything they want. If they have too much stuff, fill some jumbo trash bags and donate them. Who needs more than 10 outfits? If there are so many toy parts dumped in boxes and you don't know what they go to, they have too many toys. Edit. Limit the number of birthday and Christmas gifts. Some families have their kids do the editing before holidays so there is never more than the same number of toys in active use. They go with their kids to the place they are donating. (Note: Never ever ever give away something broken, dirty or missing pieces. That is called "garbage" and doesn't belong using dollars to be shipped to Africa. If it's garbage to you, it's garbage to everyone else, too. And that goes for clothes and expired food, too.)

Resist the urge to replace a broken or lost item. If your child was behind the loss, they can earn $$$ to replace it if it means that much. How do you tell if you care too much about your child's things or activities? If you find that it means more to you than it does to them.

Finally, do not reward unacceptable behavior with any attention. That includes your comments or narrative. Instead, play deaf. When they wonder why you aren't listening/answering/talking, say "Oh. I am only going to respond to things said in a polite tone." And return to your knitting or whatever else you were doing. Repeat as long as it takes to hear the proper tone and see the appropriate behavior. Then respond.

Thank you for doing your part in reducing the number of entitled people on this planet. We can all do without more grown-up versions as drivers cutting us off and displaying impertinent gestures.

Signs That You May Be A Helicopter Parent

A mom I know was filled with anxiety when her new college freshman son did not call home for the first three weeks away from home. Even pleading emails from his father urging him to assuage his mother's worry did not compel him to pick up his phone. "He is probably spending all his savings and only eating pizza," moaned his mother to me. I should have seen it coming 18 years prior when I first met him. He was just 8 months old, content in his baby swing when his mother stated "he's bored" and commanded his father to go entertain him while she worked on dinner. I wondered how a little baby would even know how to be bored on top of all that sleeping and pooping.

That was my first living example of a helicopter parent at work.

So what is a helicopter parent? It is one who believes they must hover over their child for anything to happen - or not happen. They believe their input and oversight must be present in every waking decision and experience and have a terrible time letting go. In case you were wondering, this is not the ideal way to parent and neither is dictatorship. The difference is with the dictator, there is none of the anxiety involved in helicoptering. A dictator does not have as much of their identity wrapped up in their children, they just want it their way. A helicopter parent thinks of little else than how to direct their children and make sure everything is okay. The problem with helicoptering is that you cannot really control anything. The more you think you need to "be there" or "make sure", the more anxiety you are putting on your plate. (In another blog, we will talk about the ideal parenting model - loving authority.)

You might be a helicopter parent if...

- You interrupt adult conversations to answer your child's frequent phone calls to locate typical things around the house or ask questions about trivial matters

- You are on your landline long distance with a friend and tell them to hold while you answer a cell phone call from your child wanting to know if you will take them to the mall before dinner

- You insist on selecting every outfit your children wear well past that first day of school in Kindergarten or you argue about what they have chosen to wear

- You think your child won't eat unless you tell them to or place it on a plate for them

- You allow your child to whine about a meal and make a special plate to accommodate their "likes"

- You call the school to be sure some of your child's friends are in their class

- You help your children with their friendships

- You correct, comment or react to your child's every comment

- You can't stop thinking about whether they zipped their coat up or not and go through their backpacks daily to arrange contents

- You care more about their schoolwork than they do

- You do not allow them to help around the house because they won't do it the right way

- You assume the worst when they are left to their own wiles rather than coming from a place of trust first

- Your reason for being is to do everything for your kids and to keep them happy

- You will do everything possible so they do not experience failure

- You pepper them with question after question to be sure you know everything

- You can't rest if all their toys aren't put away just-so

Do you want anyone this involved in your life? I sure don't. And all that extra focus isn't going to make anyone feel more loved. Trying to make sure everything is perfect is useless because life isn't about what we can control, it is about controlling our impulses over what comes our way. Doing everything for our children cripples them from becoming fully functioning adults. You don't really want to have your adult children avoid you like the kid who actually didn't "spend all his money on pizza", do you?

Remember, the purpose of parenting is to prepare our children for adulthood. And adults aren't supposed to need to be told when to blink.

Love You, Don't Like You

We've all met kids we don't like and have had to deal with them - or our feelings about those buggers. What if the kid we don't like does not belong to our brother-in-law or isn't that little irritating one belonging to our neighbor ... but our own?'

ARGH. It happens.

The good news is that you can LOVE your kid, just not what they are doing. In my humble opinion, it is more than okay to dislike their actions and want to shrink from them at times. Yes, acknowledging this is a stab in your heart. But wait -- didn't your heart already get stabbed by your disappointment? You can do this. You can acknowledge this and keep going with hope and continue being a good parent.

A concept I have clung to since I was in college is that while I may not like everyone, God wants me to love them. Yes, I have not always liked my kid because of what they were doing or how they were acting, but I have always loved them.

Some times we need to wait to see a glimmer in their eyes that they are still "in there". But I never think we should give up on our babies. We need God's grace to keep us in tact as we wait to see the character displayed that we always yearned or prayed for. We need to keep following our principles without whining. And, act neutral.

A mentor taught me the importance of keeping thy mouth shut in order to keep her family in tact. She did not approve of her child's choice of mates but remained gracious and loving. Years later, her child discovered for themselves the true character of that poor choice and made different decisions. Graciousness wins all the time. Had the mom spoken her mind early on, she would have lost the relationship with her child. Instead, she plugged along.

The same thing goes when a child is going through an ugly period of development and I just don't mean zits. They may be doing or saying things you abhor. Their personality may clash with yours. You may see your flesh-and-blood being snotty or hurting other kids. Maybe they even dislike one of your other kids or have started to steal or do drugs. Draw the line.

In my work, I have dealt with many families where a parent's heart is wounded because of a child's actions. Bottom line: they want their babies to knock it off and refocus. Stand strong on your principles if you find yourself in this scenario. You have laid the foundation. Remember that. Respond when they are on track and don't get sucked into their drama when they aren't. Keep stating the main goals. Depend on God and don't compare yourself to other families.

If you didn't know how to lay down a parenting foundation, contact me. That's my passion and I'll walk you through it.

Keeping your chin firm and "letting" kids experience reality consequences has also been called "tough love". It requires patience, action and ongoing prayers. In extreme cases, you may need to be the one to place your child in treatment or call the police. Do it. Forget about what people think, take steps to keep your baby alive with a chance at a future. Side stepping this necessary action will surely kill them in one way or another and deny a future of good mental health at the least.

Not extreme - just a kid with a lousy attitude that makes you shirk? Keep those family rules and don't try to fix it when they get kicked off a team or are shunned by peers because of their behavior. Be glad reality is in their face and pray for realization but don't nag.  So what if they can't graduate with their class.  Get them help. Are they hurting the family emotionally? Stop their access to areas they are impacting. Maybe they don't get to go to the family dinner. Perhaps they have been so ungrateful there is no birthday gift. Shrug your shoulders and tell them you wish you could have done otherwise, but their choices dictated reality and walk away.

Less is more. Make simple statements and resist the necessary urge to rant on and on. If you don't, you have shot yourself in the proverbial foot. No one listens to ramblings. It's a sure signal for them to tune out. Just be calm, concise and brief.

Remember, your goal is to launch a fully functioning human into the world. Whatever their age of adulthood. Fully functioning people do not have people coddling, excusing or solving it for them. Fully functioning people have learned how to deal with the real stuff in life and take responsibility for their behavior. If you provide this scenario without narration, you are on the right track!

Along the way, you are bound not to like some of what your kids do. After all, they are human just like you. Don't focus on the alarm that you don't like something - focus on your end goal and know you are doing the right thing and in good company. If it's more than that, it's time for some counseling so you don't leave a mark on another human, much less one of your very own creation.

A Dozen Things I Really Didn't Need For My Baby

When you walk around Target and pass the baby section - even if you aren't a parent or grandparent - there is so much cool stuff you just drool. When my oldest was a baby, everything was the new gray (trending at the time) and functional. Baby excitement was limited to what you could cross-stitch and frame. When my #2 came along a decade later, there was more color on car seats and diaper bags and maternity clothes finally stopped looking like cow tents. But now... we can buy the coolest nanny cam or manny diaper bag. We can even get a kid-themed vaporizer. What? The generic ones don't work, or must we constantly entertain or cater to our bambinos?

Here are 12 "must-haves" that I fell for with my starry-new-mama-eyes that in retrospect, really weren't all that mandatory after all:

1. Crib or Bassinet. One only slept in his car seat in the back of our Suburban as I burned gas driving all over town tearfully praying for green lights lest he jerk awake. The bassinet is a romantic idea, but what baby just lays in a lace-draped container perfectly staged nearby?  For that matter, what baby uses their expensive "baby blanket"? It dwarfs them. Let's get real and call it what it really is - a toddler blanket.

2. Summer clothes. Being born at the start of a hot, humid summer kept her in a diaper, period.

3. Changing table. Why go all the way upstairs when I can unfurl a mat on the floor and change 'em right here and now?

4. Porta-Crib. It was a baby jail for both my sweeties. When we travelled, they knew it wasn't their real bed and at home it was a cage.

5. Cute toddler dishes. They landed on the floor just like Tupperware.Tupperware is cheaper.

6. Mini Plastic Baby tub. The shower or kitchen sink works even better. Who says a baby doesn't dig a shower? Besides, there isn't a logical place to store that thing without bumping into it. A first item to go in the garage sale.

7. Any toy clipped to any part of a stroller or clothing. When my bambinos were in the stroller, they were too busy looking around to care about any cute plastic thing I supplied to entertain them. Real world works better.

8. Hauling around a diaper bag. Initially it was loaded for nuclear survival. Once I got the hang of it, I left it in the trunk and stuck what might be needed in my cute purse. All good and no chicken coop. If they pooped through their clothes while we were out, the car wasn't that far away and the trunk was a bigger changing table than any in the mall.

9. Baby Powder. If you inhale that stuff your lungs are clogged. Why pat that all over any body part?

10. Plastic toy keys. They only want the real ones, they're not stupid - just babies. Ring a bunch of the lost keys from your junk drawer and presto, just like yours!

11. Cute fabric diaper holder bag coordinated with crib bedding. They come out of the box faster. Putting them in the holder thing takes more time out of your day. Go straight for the box and forget about reloading.

12. Baby monitor. We had them, but were present even more so they really weren't needed. Especially for the kid with the Suburban Crib attached to the hip 24/7 anyway.

Bonus thing I didn't need: cute little baby hairbrush. Bald babies or babies with meager wisps of hair don't need it "brushed".

That's Not Funny, Steve Carrell

One of the funniest actors I enjoy is Steve Carrell. His ability to hold his face neutral while delivering inane dialog and get a huge laugh is admirable - and absolutely hilarious.

Recently he was on Jay Leno sharing a requisite "funny family story".  Apparently he accidentally rented an R-rated movie to show at his 9-year-old's big sleepover. They saw Predator. And now, chuckled dear Steve, he's known as "that dad" at his son's school.

That would be the dad who opened the door ahead of time. The dad who laughingly used poor judgement. The dad who permitted explicit media in his home geared toward a much more mature audience. Not only "that dad"... but the one who trumped the authority of other parents and choose for them. Repeat: he made the choice for other parents. That is not funny.

Parents: Never be the one known for having loose standards or the house where kids can get away with things. Never ever ever decide something so big as when a child will be introduced to mature content for another parent's kid. It's okay to go for it with little things like cookies or ice cream, but never anything as big as exposing someone else's child to material generated for older age groups. Carrell thinks most of the movie "went over their heads". Wait a few years for their vocabularies to grow and ask again. He was wrong.

No, Steve Carrell my favorite comedian and charming man, no. You blew something bigger than that one sleepover night and turned it into a "funny story thing".  This is much more than that. And what you did, you can't erase. You caused imprint on children's minds. Imprint that will weave its way through their current frame of references and leave acid droppings and questions on their future snapshots as they filter experiences and images while they continue to mature and develop. On behalf of the other parents, thanks for nothing. That was negative imprint.

Parents must respect other parents and err on the side of modesty. Much better to ask forgiveness for offering red meat  than a virtual introduction to "mature content". The red meat vegetarian parents don't want their kids to eat can leave the body within 24 hours, thoughts are there forever. This error cannot be apologized away. It's there.

Steve did not do this intentionally, I'm sure. He just wasn't on alert as a parent. The greatest influence we have on our children enters through their eyes and minds. Something many adults fail to place a high value on. The shorter ones are absorbing more than you think and watching you carefully. Humbly recognize this and adapt accordingly.

We held a lot of family events at our home where the kids ended up in the family room downstairs for a period of time. Our kids were in charge of monitoring which videos were watched and which video games were played. It was G only when other kids were over. Yes they resisted at first about my insistence that none of the other games we allowed them to play would be accessed for a couple of hours, but respected my request. When our daughter was 13 and hosting a slumber party, the girls wanted to watch a PG 13 movie. Knowing one of the moms was careful about content, I called and asked her if that was okay before showing it. She appreciated my contact.

I never want to be known as the house where something premature or unacceptable was introduced. It is each family's own business if and when they introduce any kind of media. This decision is not for any other person to make. Not an older sibling, grandparent or babysitter. It is up to the parents.

Heaven help you if you have family members or babysitters sabotaging you. Just don't be the neighbor or friend adding to it - kids are growing older at a rate much too young as it is and don't have the skills to handle their futures any faster.

If you need a nudge to believe me, just watch what no one even blinks at any more. We've been conditioned to normalize and laugh where we used to blink.  Culturally we have relegated caution to nostalgia. Let's bring it back and train the coming generations to age in a healthy sequence and not rush exposure to things they literally can't wrap their minds around til later. All that does is contribute to the plague of desensitivy.  And that really isn't funny.

Recipe For Family Failure

Thank you very not so much.

No matter what you say, I am going to hang on to what I want as a parent. Forget the situation and the mental health of the family. It is going to be the way I want it to be.

No matter what you say, I don't need to listen to you because I have the right ideas. I am the parent, not you. We are glutton-free and you don't even recycle so what do you know? I know most.

No matter what you say, I want it the way I have already been doing it even though it hasn't worked. I am going to keep doing it this way because it is THE way.

No matter what you say, I will disregard your expertise because I want what I want no matter what.
Even though I invited you into my life to give objective input, I'm right. Right?

No matter what you say, in times of crisis I will still demand the house runs as if everything is fine. Your suggestions fall flat because I will not budge so nothing works unless you make it happen my way.

No matter what you say, I will force my kid to do homework the way I want them to and not pay attention to their learning styles.

No matter what you say, I will continue to accuse and shame my kids thinking they will talk to me because I am the adult and they must be doing something wrong - or at least thinking about it.

No matter what you say about how to talk to kids, I will do it my own way and wonder why they won't talk to me when they are older...or in therapy... or in prison or rehab.

No matter what you say, it won't be my fault when my kid doesn't live up to my standards. It just shows where they failed. I can't fail. I can never fail. I'm a parent.  I'm right. I did everything I could.

Oh. Wait. Should I listen to someone else?

Mommie Love-Wiches

...This really should have been a separate blog, not just one blog entry...

When my kids hit Kindergarten, they each learned to make their own lunch or pack the money to purchase lunch at school. Lunch became their responsibility as part of their personal development. Oh sure, every once in awhile I drew a picture with a Sharpie on a hard-boiled egg or baked some cookies and tucked a note where they would find it. But lunch was their thing to deal with apart from me. If they forgot their lunch or lunch money, I did not fix it by rushing to school. They either received mercy from the school lunch lady or waited until they got home to eat again.

Over the school years with each of my kids (since they were born 10 years apart that covers a nice time span) I have witnessed countless moms receiving the phone call about a forgotten lunch and off they go to take care of it. They looked at me with their heads cocked in wonder as to why I would let my kids go hungry. It's simple, I told them, I want a kid who knows how to take personal responsibility and if I do this for them, they won't arrive at that conclusion yet. Eyebrows raised in wonder, they left me to go do right by their kids while I finished my coffee from the "coffee date" we were having.

Last summer before his senior year in high school, our son went to and graduated from Army Basic Training. Otherwise known as Boot Camp. It was 10 weeks of minimal sleep and high demand on his body, mind and soul. And he did it. 5% of the guys last summer didn't. Senior year as a mere student had a new meaning for him when comparing school to that major timeline achievement.

A few weeks into this school year, coming home disappointed with the lunches offered - and especially the portions - our son asked me one night if I would please make him a sandwich. "Sure," I replied. So I set about making a good sandwich for my hungry soldier-son-student. I didn't want him to be hungry and I knew he liked to combine meats from the times we've gone to Jimmy John's. When he came home the next day, he was both grateful and enthusiastic, saying he would rather eat a sandwich every day than have the allowance for school lunches we usually provided.

And so, my "Love-Wiches" were born.

In the months since that one September night last fall I have not made the same sandwich twice. (To date that calculates to over 85 different creations.) While I never intended to be so original, it has become our thing. Every night I tap my fingertips and thumbs together, smile like a mad scientist and set about making something he will enjoy and might even be surprised by. When I first started making the "Love-Wiches", his buddies loved to see what was between the slices and started a buzz to see what was next. One went home and even asked his mom to up her sandwich-making and when she asked him to describe what he meant, she replied "Yeah, no." On the day that kid proudly and eagerly showed the guys at the lunch table his mother's upgrade, my son was busy unwrapping myvery first  triple-decker Love-Wich. He laughingly told us how the buddy's face fell.

So Senior Year is my year to reward my son for his years of responsibility and show him how much I love him in a way that speaks to his heart. It isn't about saving the $ for the school lunches, it's about having fun surprising him and it does my heart good to hear him rave. As any mother of a teen guy knows, it is quite something to truly know that your message of love has been perfectly received and isn't something he gives you points for trying, but missed the mark.

Okay, you must be asking - what is in these lovey-doveys? Since each sandwich is truly different, I can only give you an example of my process. That's why I said I should have started another blog - to record these wonders.

Thanks to my older daughter, it starts with toasted bread. That means what's in there won't get soggy waiting in his locker 'til lunchtime. I always make two identical sandwiches the night before. Sometimes they are double-deckers. I don't use mayo or tuna, but just about anything else goes. Usually, I use some kind of flavored whipped cream cheese and spread it on the inside bread slices. Then, I open the spice cabinet and look for the "hot" ones like Onion Salt, Bacon/Ranch seasoning or a pork rub. Anything my son sprinkles on dinner meat is fair game. I'll put something like that on one side and Sea Salt on the other. If we have some recent bacon drippings on hand, I'll drizzle just a bit as a hint of flavor. Next comes some kind of crunch. That may be Chow Mien noodles, broken pita chips or even some lettuce or parsley.

Then comes meat #1 from whatever is in the fridge. It might be any kind of lunch meat, but it could also be sliced leftover chicken breasts or meatballs. You get it. After that I layer his favorite cheese slices, and then I think of  additives like sliced onions, garlic spread, Ranch dressing or Dijon. Next comes meat #2 and another cheese slice or two. I frequently use shredded carrots here, too. (More crunch and it's a veggie!) Sometimes I mix cheeses, sometimes I keep them the same. If the meats are spicy I use neutral a cheese. The time his sandwich was leftover Chicken Pad Thai, I used Swiss cheese and peanut butter.

The only sandwich failure was the time I thought it would be fun to use frozen waffles in place of bread. None of the lunch buddies could figure out that logic and even though it tasted "okay", my son gently asked if I "not do that creepy thing again".  His sandwich buddy once even brought home a (non-waffle) sample to show his mom who later told me "I can't do that" and we both had a chuckle about how I just look around and combine. Pouf!

Wrapping the Love-Wiches is fun, too. Depending on the type of bread used, sometimes I cut the sandwiches in half. I roll each 'Wich in wax paper and pack them inside a baggie. I've even used an empty bread bag to hold the goods. No reusable lunch bags or containers for an 18-year-old who doesn't need any "extra projects". Sometimes I add a cookie or candy cane or piece of fruit and yes, he does add to landfills with his post-lunch trash.

It gives me great pleasure to provide a hearty and healthy mid-day meal for my soon-to-be-out-of-the-house son, especially because he feels the love 100%. Many times it's hit and miss when parents try to let their kids know how much they are loved. I sure dig knowing I have hit so many home runs! And yes, even though he knows how to do this on his own, it's okay to just bless him for a few months.