Recipe For Family Failure

Thank you very not so much.

No matter what you say, I am going to hang on to what I want as a parent. Forget the situation and the mental health of the family. It is going to be the way I want it to be.

No matter what you say, I don't need to listen to you because I have the right ideas. I am the parent, not you. We are glutton-free and you don't even recycle so what do you know? I know most.

No matter what you say, I want it the way I have already been doing it even though it hasn't worked. I am going to keep doing it this way because it is THE way.

No matter what you say, I will disregard your expertise because I want what I want no matter what.
Even though I invited you into my life to give objective input, I'm right. Right?

No matter what you say, in times of crisis I will still demand the house runs as if everything is fine. Your suggestions fall flat because I will not budge so nothing works unless you make it happen my way.

No matter what you say, I will force my kid to do homework the way I want them to and not pay attention to their learning styles.

No matter what you say, I will continue to accuse and shame my kids thinking they will talk to me because I am the adult and they must be doing something wrong - or at least thinking about it.

No matter what you say about how to talk to kids, I will do it my own way and wonder why they won't talk to me when they are older...or in therapy... or in prison or rehab.

No matter what you say, it won't be my fault when my kid doesn't live up to my standards. It just shows where they failed. I can't fail. I can never fail. I'm a parent.  I'm right. I did everything I could.

Oh. Wait. Should I listen to someone else?

Mommie Love-Wiches

...This really should have been a separate blog, not just one blog entry...

When my kids hit Kindergarten, they each learned to make their own lunch or pack the money to purchase lunch at school. Lunch became their responsibility as part of their personal development. Oh sure, every once in awhile I drew a picture with a Sharpie on a hard-boiled egg or baked some cookies and tucked a note where they would find it. But lunch was their thing to deal with apart from me. If they forgot their lunch or lunch money, I did not fix it by rushing to school. They either received mercy from the school lunch lady or waited until they got home to eat again.

Over the school years with each of my kids (since they were born 10 years apart that covers a nice time span) I have witnessed countless moms receiving the phone call about a forgotten lunch and off they go to take care of it. They looked at me with their heads cocked in wonder as to why I would let my kids go hungry. It's simple, I told them, I want a kid who knows how to take personal responsibility and if I do this for them, they won't arrive at that conclusion yet. Eyebrows raised in wonder, they left me to go do right by their kids while I finished my coffee from the "coffee date" we were having.

Last summer before his senior year in high school, our son went to and graduated from Army Basic Training. Otherwise known as Boot Camp. It was 10 weeks of minimal sleep and high demand on his body, mind and soul. And he did it. 5% of the guys last summer didn't. Senior year as a mere student had a new meaning for him when comparing school to that major timeline achievement.

A few weeks into this school year, coming home disappointed with the lunches offered - and especially the portions - our son asked me one night if I would please make him a sandwich. "Sure," I replied. So I set about making a good sandwich for my hungry soldier-son-student. I didn't want him to be hungry and I knew he liked to combine meats from the times we've gone to Jimmy John's. When he came home the next day, he was both grateful and enthusiastic, saying he would rather eat a sandwich every day than have the allowance for school lunches we usually provided.

And so, my "Love-Wiches" were born.

In the months since that one September night last fall I have not made the same sandwich twice. (To date that calculates to over 85 different creations.) While I never intended to be so original, it has become our thing. Every night I tap my fingertips and thumbs together, smile like a mad scientist and set about making something he will enjoy and might even be surprised by. When I first started making the "Love-Wiches", his buddies loved to see what was between the slices and started a buzz to see what was next. One went home and even asked his mom to up her sandwich-making and when she asked him to describe what he meant, she replied "Yeah, no." On the day that kid proudly and eagerly showed the guys at the lunch table his mother's upgrade, my son was busy unwrapping myvery first  triple-decker Love-Wich. He laughingly told us how the buddy's face fell.

So Senior Year is my year to reward my son for his years of responsibility and show him how much I love him in a way that speaks to his heart. It isn't about saving the $ for the school lunches, it's about having fun surprising him and it does my heart good to hear him rave. As any mother of a teen guy knows, it is quite something to truly know that your message of love has been perfectly received and isn't something he gives you points for trying, but missed the mark.

Okay, you must be asking - what is in these lovey-doveys? Since each sandwich is truly different, I can only give you an example of my process. That's why I said I should have started another blog - to record these wonders.

Thanks to my older daughter, it starts with toasted bread. That means what's in there won't get soggy waiting in his locker 'til lunchtime. I always make two identical sandwiches the night before. Sometimes they are double-deckers. I don't use mayo or tuna, but just about anything else goes. Usually, I use some kind of flavored whipped cream cheese and spread it on the inside bread slices. Then, I open the spice cabinet and look for the "hot" ones like Onion Salt, Bacon/Ranch seasoning or a pork rub. Anything my son sprinkles on dinner meat is fair game. I'll put something like that on one side and Sea Salt on the other. If we have some recent bacon drippings on hand, I'll drizzle just a bit as a hint of flavor. Next comes some kind of crunch. That may be Chow Mien noodles, broken pita chips or even some lettuce or parsley.

Then comes meat #1 from whatever is in the fridge. It might be any kind of lunch meat, but it could also be sliced leftover chicken breasts or meatballs. You get it. After that I layer his favorite cheese slices, and then I think of  additives like sliced onions, garlic spread, Ranch dressing or Dijon. Next comes meat #2 and another cheese slice or two. I frequently use shredded carrots here, too. (More crunch and it's a veggie!) Sometimes I mix cheeses, sometimes I keep them the same. If the meats are spicy I use neutral a cheese. The time his sandwich was leftover Chicken Pad Thai, I used Swiss cheese and peanut butter.

The only sandwich failure was the time I thought it would be fun to use frozen waffles in place of bread. None of the lunch buddies could figure out that logic and even though it tasted "okay", my son gently asked if I "not do that creepy thing again".  His sandwich buddy once even brought home a (non-waffle) sample to show his mom who later told me "I can't do that" and we both had a chuckle about how I just look around and combine. Pouf!

Wrapping the Love-Wiches is fun, too. Depending on the type of bread used, sometimes I cut the sandwiches in half. I roll each 'Wich in wax paper and pack them inside a baggie. I've even used an empty bread bag to hold the goods. No reusable lunch bags or containers for an 18-year-old who doesn't need any "extra projects". Sometimes I add a cookie or candy cane or piece of fruit and yes, he does add to landfills with his post-lunch trash.

It gives me great pleasure to provide a hearty and healthy mid-day meal for my soon-to-be-out-of-the-house son, especially because he feels the love 100%. Many times it's hit and miss when parents try to let their kids know how much they are loved. I sure dig knowing I have hit so many home runs! And yes, even though he knows how to do this on his own, it's okay to just bless him for a few months.

Driver's Ed Begins in the Car Seat

That's right. I started teaching my kids the principles of driving right out of the womb. While it was intentional, it obviously wasn't structured. I was well aware that was a mere baby back there. No, it was just part of everyday life. After all, isn't that a moral obligation when you are in the top tier of the world's best drivers?

My kids grew up hearing me pray each time I started the car. They observed that we all buckle up and that if another car lets you merge, you wave "thanks". They watched us slow for pedestrians and keep a safe distance from the cars in front of us.

They heard me praying for the thoughtless drivers, too. Frequently overheard was something like this, "Dear Lord, please help the person who almost just ran us off the road to drive safer." One day when my son was three, someone was really driving poorly and I muttered, "Idiot." Unfortunately that introduced a new vocabulary word heard around the house. I had to sit with him and apologize for that one and then tell God - also in front of him - how sorry I was for using such a rude word. In the future I used a new made-up word when frustrated called "I -Dot". I taught my son it meant that someone wasn't using their whole brain when they needed to. Once my beginning reader asked from his backseat perch, "The sign says 4-5. Are we going 4-5 Mom?" We sure were...now that I knew my son knew the speed limit.

One of the biggest things my kids learned during their left and right brain development was that I prayed whenever we heard a siren. Even when we didn't know whether it was a fire truck or an ambulance going off, we lowered the radio volume and prayed for that sound in the distance announcing that people needed help for something. Just a short sentence prayer. I explained that we may be the only ones who had ever prayed for them, modeling the value of even one prayer.

Okay, so the foundation was set. We continued to drive and pray as our kids grew. When they were early teens, I started to provide more narrative. Once in awhile, I pointed out various drivers and what to watch for, or what not to do. (Like the day a guy in a pickup purposely didn't let us merge and nearly forced us of the road and then laughingly bolted into the open lane and sped by, proud of his terror-causing while girlfriend sat by his side. No, don't be like that and pray for a girl who thinks that is a good guy to date.) We began asking him to help navigate the map on road trips and help with directions to new places. Rather than just allowing them to remain a passive passenger, we made sure they recognized major roads and the routes to our regular haunts. Unlike some kids I have met, they could give directions to get home. A skill I found important one day when trying to drive my girl's school chum home and that kid had no idea where she lived.

When our son hit 15, I started the serious tutoring. Out came the earbuds every few car rides and he was to eagle eye everything I was doing and describe it. After one of these exercises, he remarked that it was hard to be so aware and alert. I told him he was right, it takes every bit of concentration and focus each time he gets behind the wheel. Because every time he turns the key in the ignition, he is taking his life and the lives of others in his literal hands. He learned to be careful in parking lots and watch for wandering little ones, and that if you see a ball roll in the street, kids will follow. If you see one kid on a bike, chances are there's another one coming. He learned not to let the car behind you ride your bumper and that you use turn signals before you turn - not while you are turning. And most important to me, he learned to start every single drive with a prayer.

In my thinking, just because a kid attains the legal age to obtain a permit does not mean that they automatically have the right to one. Before any child of mine slips behind the wheel, they have to prove they are teachable and that they listen. If they don't demonstrate that, they aren't going to drive...yet. I've heard parents say "No B's, no keys" and focus on academic performance before letting their kids drive. To me, it's the character of the person - not the GPA - that matters most. If they aren't listening to you at home, they aren't gonna listen to you saying from the passenger seat "slow down" or "watch out". You don't need to place your life in jeopardy in order to teach your willful teen to drive. So, wait until they have six months of consistent listening under their belts. If they still won't listen, remember you do not owe them a license - not like this. Let them wait until they are 18 if you have to. Then they can pay for all of it themselves.

If you are the parent who waits to observe evidence of maturity, kudos! You are protecting others as well. And so what if you have drive them around more in the meantime? Your momentary inconvenience is teaching a lifetime lesson. Driving is a privilege, not a right.

Speaking of privileges, I would not let my kids get their licenses until they had enough money to consistently pay for their car insurance and gas. My thinking: until they can pay the minimum, they can get rides. When they are out on their own, they will need to handle everything financial about the car they drive. This is the time - while they live safely with you who loves them - to introduce and enforce this adult-real-life concept. Don't make it easy for them, this is a huge responsibility.

If your kid demonstrates negligence, irresponsibility or carelessness, take away access to the keys. Especially if they are making life h*ll at home. I knew a mom who proudly told me her disobeying, lying kid was grounded from driving - except for going to and from school, his job and youth group. Grounded from what, then? That self-described perfect mom replied that she wasn't about to start driving him everywhere. The result? Ongoing arrogance from a kid who got their way. And another one of those dreaded drivers out there. I knew another mom who felt guilty if she drew the line and didn't let her kid get his license. He bullied her into it. Now there's a disrespectful, angry kid driving around. Mom didn't listen to me when I stated "please don't arm him - a car is a weapon". So I told her that I hope her kid never drives near my family, thank you very much.

When our girl was learning to drive, we lived in a state with strict driving laws. Once licensed, teens had to drive for an entire year alone before they could have a passenger along. That legislation curtailed a huge percentage of teen driver deaths. When our second child learned to drive in another state, we kept that "law" as a guiding principle. You bet they shouldn't have other people in the car. Too many distractions. Focus on the road, everyone. Please.

This is one of the most seriously concrete milestones kids experience. As parents, let's be selective about when we allow it to happen. There's absolutely no rush to increase a level of responsibility if they aren't ready.

So Don't Take a Shower Then

There's a reason you can't find boy pajamas to buy anymore.

I'm a skill-teaching, non-nagging, responsibility-training mother. Since they could barely move, my objective has been to teach my kids to be in charge of themselves. That includes their thoughts, their bodies, and their stuff. They need to learn personal responsibility in every area of their lives by the time they graduate high school.

In a realistic way, my kids have been taught that those are their shoes, their teeth, their grades and their bodies. Translated, this means that they put on and tie their shoes - not me. They put their shoes where they belong - not me. They brush their teeth and floss - not me. I have my own teeth. They do their homework - not me. I'll certainly help when asked, but if they don't care about their grades I am not gonna do the caring for them. I was already in that grade and don't need to review.

Bet you're thinking "but what if they fail?" Then they fail. Don't stand in their way. They have to want to do well more than you want them to - otherwise they won't know how to manage life later on, they'll just wait for someone out there to step in and guide their elbow. If they don't care, they will experience the natural consequences of poor grades. Reality will teach them about tutors, detention, summer school or even repeating a class. It might not take more than a failed test or it might take a failed class. If you let your child handle their own work and stay out of trying to fix it or babysit, they probably won't be as inclined to fail again. Wouldn't you rather have them fail while they are minors under your influence - safe in a loving home - than in a dorm room or apartment later on? If you believe it takes your constant reminding or presence in order for your child to do their homework or anything else, you are doing them a disservice. Yes, it may get done. But for the wrong reasons.

The same goes with bathing. Talk to any mother of a second grader. She will tell you in exasperation about the dreaded daily arguments it takes to get her kid to bathe. If it's a boy, she will add with her nose pinched how he doesn't care what he wears and wants to sleep in his clothes. When I tell moms of younger kids about how I handled it, some unwisely and innocently prophesize that it won't happen in her house.

For those of you focused so intently on the choice of public attire and necessity for cleaning rituals here's a promise: that same smelly kid who fights you to do the unthinkable and take a shower and might even (gasp) sleep in their clothes will become a teen who spends so much time showering it raises your water bill. If it's a girl, she will try on at least six outfits each morning and throw the rejected ones in her dirty clothes hamper for you to wash. (But you won't because you taught her how to do her own laundry when she was 10). Yep. That same guy who wore his red shorts day and night one summer will become interested in his hair and good-looking shirts. That messy girl will spend extended time styling her hair and putting on makeup. These frustrating days of "are you kidding?" and "I don't want to" will evaporate. I sure hope you don't have to share your bathroom...

When our kids went through their smelly, non-bathing stages we didn't nag and we didn't fret. We would state that it would be good to take a shower. If they protested, we walked away and let them stink. For days. We watched hair get greasy and shrugged at the idea of them enjoying their unkemptness. But we did not repeat ourselves or refer in any way to their obvious need to bathe. We did not argue. Guess what? It didn't take too many instances of stinking up the classroom at school for them to realize the important concept of regular bathing. Today, both of them laugh heartily at their prior stubbornness to do such a basic thing.

Letting them stink did not cause any harm and eliminated another potential nag-topic or battle of wills. So what if they didn't wear pajamas when they slept? Does it really matter or is it your issue? So what if they wear the same thing again? I say save your energy for the really big battles, not these little ones. If you waste your "authority" arguing over a shower you won't have it when you need to address sexual purity or drugs later on. Every time you establish yourself as controlling and intolerant, the chance of your kid being open with you with what they are really thinking shrivels a bit more until it's gone. Would you feel comfortable sharing with someone like that? During your parenting season, you will need to make some tough decisions and your kids will need you to be a role model they can talk to. Please don't jeopardize that by overreacting to things that do not matter in the long run. Think beyond what you want or how you had to do it as a kid.

And that outfit they wore five days in a row? Great idea! I do that now myself. It's very convenient when you don't see the same people every day. Especially if it is one of your favorites.

The Other Manners Kids Should Learn By Age 9

Someone recently reposted a Parents Magazine article entitled "25 Manners Your Child Should Learn By Age 9" on Facebook. It was a pretty good list and covered lots of once-common but now altogether too-rare courtesies. Saying "please" and "thank you" and sitting still during a boring recital were a couple. The entire list could be summarized by teaching children to respect other people. That being said, here are a few more from me to add to the list.

- In North America, when walking somewhere in public - the street, Target, the mall - stay on the right side of the road/aisle/hall. If you are walking in a group, pair up and do not take over the entire sidewalk. If you need to pass slower walkers, politely step up your pace. Do not act as if they were a car and "ride their bumper."

- If you see someone you know as you are getting off an escalator or exiting an elevator or are in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store, do not stop and block the other passengers/shoppers in order to have your reunion. Move aside so that others can pass before you begin reminscing.

- Do not eat in front of guests unless you plan to feed them, too. If you don't have enough to offer them, wait until later or change to something you can share.

- When you are standing in line with other people, be mindful of their body space. Imagine a bubble the size of a hula hoop and stand that far behind them. If you can see inside someone else's wallet, you are too close.

- It never hurts to ask "what else can I do?" when cleaning up. If this carries over to your first job, you will be considered a more valuable employee.

- Along the cleaning lines - if you are going into another room, see what you can take with you. Don't go empty-handed. Even if it isn't something you left out, it is going to help the household get organized.  After all, parents are always putting stuff they didn't use back where it belongs.

- Never leave someone else stranded on the toilet without toilet paper. If you can see that the roll is getting low, place another roll next to it before you leave. If you take the last piece of paper, toss away the empty roll and put another one on the roller.

- Shake hands and look the person in the eye. A nice grip and one shake will do it. Say hello and introduce yourself. If you already know them, ask them how they are or tell them it is good to see them again.

- If you are in a bad mood, don't take it out on other people in public. Be polite to them - they haven't done anything. If they talk to you, look them in the eye and respond kindly. Your bad mood is not an excuse to treat another human poorly. This will become really important when you get your driver's license.

- It is never okay to hurt another person or creature, verbally or physically. If you see this going on, tell them to knock it off. Get an adult if necessary. Keeping quiet when you see something like this is like saying you agree with it. Use your voice.

- If you are talking to one person and someone you know walks up to join you, introduce them to your friend. Don't let someone stand there not knowing someone else. It is rude to leave the other person out. Also, don't talk about an event in front of someone if they weren't there or weren't invited. That is not only rude, it is hurtful.

- Put things back where you found them, then they will be there the next time you need them. If it does not belong to you and you have permission to use it, take excellent care of it and be prepared to replace it, otherwise don't use it. Wherever you are, treat things carefully. Just because the church crayons don't belong to you is no reason to break or throw them.

- If someone is mean to you, do not bother to be mean back to them. Then you are acting just like them instead of yourself. Don't let the way anyone behaves stop you from being who you are. When you are an adult and do more shopping you will run into a lot of grouchy cashiers that you can practice on.

- When you are out with your friends, be careful not to get so loud that other people can't enjoy themselves. You aren't the only ones using the space. Keep your volume down and don't take over. Also, take your trash to the garbage can - don't leave a mess where you were sitting. Just because your parents aren't sitting next to you doesn't mean you stop being polite.

- Remember that no person is more special than another. Just because you don't know their name does not mean they don't matter. Treat each person with value no matter what they look or smell like. The cool kids really aren't that cool - they are just other kids. No one is more important than another - they may make more goals or get good grades or have the newest iPad - but they aren't any better or worse. If you keep this in mind, you will save yourself a lot of high school drama and become a good neighbor one day. Sadly, this is one manner many adults fail at. Decide ahead of time to value all people.

These are all things that adults can work on, too. Just remember, you aren't the only person on the planet. That's a good thing.