Signs that you are too concerned about your child's belongings:
- You can verbally describe each doll outfit
- You routinely arrange or even put away their toys
- You call the babysitter to find out where the hammer to the toy tool bench is
Signs that your child does not care much about their belongings:
- They ask you where "it" is (and you have the answer*)
- They leave toy items lying in piles and only put them away when asked (but don't usually finish)
- They ask for a toy every time to you go to Target (and you buy one, even for chump change)
After I became a mommie, the best present you could ever give me was a gift for my little one. It was a treasure and a pleasure to begin to build their very own belongings. However, as a first-time mom I had all the top three signs. True, she was a baby and needed to be shown how to open her first board book. But did I really need to put the Duplos "just so"? Since truth is being told, I even did Number Three with my second one when he was a toddler. Let's just pretend that was because there was another toddler over that day getting into things.
Yes it is wonderful to lead a little one in exploring life. Since most toys are for their development, no wonder parents and grands go crazy giving them! It is a blessing to see our children enjoying themselves. As the bambinos mature, it is our parental responsibility to teach them the proper care of these personal possessions - and to experience the consequences if the basic rules are not followed.
I am referring to the natural consequences. Reality. If you leave your bike outside in the rain, it might get rusted. Or stolen. If you have a fit while coloring and break your red crayon, it will be shorter and harder to handle. If you cut Barbie's hair, it won't grow back. If you lose one of your playing cards, you won't be able to play that game. If you open a toy with small parts in the car, we won't be able to get the pieces that fell between the seats. There are certain places to play with certain toys, and if you don't follow that you may end up with a teddy bear who no longer growls after he was submerged in the tub.
Some of this is learned naturally, some of it needs to be gently taught. But regardless of how a toy is lost or damaged, please resist the urge to replace it - no matter how beloved. (My one exception would be that one "gotta have it with me" comfort toy, if there is one.) Reality is a great teacher on the road to developing self control. If we replace everything that gets damaged, our children do not learn to be appreciative, careful or thoughtful - they just learn that the magic fairy will make it all better. Again.
When our son was two and three, he believed that scotch tape could "fix" anything. We had numerous "fixed" items for awhile. Like a cracked styrofoam cup. The back wheel on his Rescue Heroes truck. The antena on a remote. After awhile he knew he really wasn't fixing anything, but he sure loved to use that tape!
One of my pre-teen clients recently informed her mother that she wanted a "big girl's room" and wanted to get rid of all her toys. Mom's eyes widened and asked,"Even your Monster High dolls? You just got that house last Christmas!" Even the new Monster High stuff. The girl wanted it all removed so she could "have a cool room". Mom couldn't stop coaching her to reconsider when the three of us sat down on her bedroom floor to sort the piles of dolls, accessories and plastic junk into piles. One pile was designated "keep", the next "give" and the last "sell". Most of her items went into the last two piles, much to mom's fretting. I kept reminding mom that this was her girl's decision, and that was a good thing because she had entirely too many small parts. We had to almost shovel spaces on the floor for us to sit down.
In her sincere desire to love her girl, this mom had come to the conclusion that more stuff was important - but had neglected to teach her child how to manage it. You can see her bedroom floor now, and my young client is thrilled with her room's new look. Mom is still aware of the missing pen cap from the backpack and has even called the principal, but lots of progress has been made.
To all the well-meaning, slightly anal parents out there: take a deep breath. Now is the time for our kids to take responsibility for their stuff. And please do not do them a disservice by overloading them. Less is more becasue they can become more responsible with what they have.
*Cringe. I once heard a 10 -year-old ask her mom where her pink hair bow was. Mom could describe precisely which corner of the dresser and what was next to it.
