Not My Daughter

The divorce of a major celebrity couple has been at the top of the media radar for the past few weeks. While a celebrity divorce is nothing new, the suggestion that the mother was leaving because of the potential faith influence of her husband is. Now that the little girl is six, mom decided to take action.

I say she is seven years late for two reasons.

1. Before considering marriage the single most important thing a couple must agree on is their faith. They cannot sweep this aside not only because it is at the very core of each one of us, but when children are added to the family this issue is heightened. Sure, you may be able to limp around with varying degrees of disagreement before you create life, but once you become a parent, your responsibility compounds. You are modeling life to an impressionable one created if not physically by you, certainly born in your heart. Both husband and wife must be on the same page spiritually. I will not perform a wedding if the couple is not in agreement because it is the number one recipe for disaster, and I don't want to be part of a disaster that is known up front.

Yes, there are other topics couples must also agree on ahead of time, but if you go bankrupt and don't share a common faith, where is your peace and comfort going to come from? God is the source of all, first and foremost. Then all the other stuff like career, sex, hobbies, hair color.

2. The Barna group conducted a survey a couple of years ago with startling results. I have served on several church staffs since then and no one but me gets really alarmed. Those who know me hear me talk about this survey all the time. The bottom line is that a child's spiritual foundation is formed by the age of 9. The little girl in the picture is 6. That means there are just three more years to help her form her life's framework through which she will filter everything related to God.

This does not mean that our kids can't learn more, for surely they will if we are doing it right. It just means the filter is set. It doesn't mean that kids whose families do not expose them to faith opportunities are forever penalized in the future... but it does mean that there is more work to do. God will help us with that. But what if we all acted like the first 9 years of a child's life were spiritually essential? What would the church look like if together we all placed children as the number one priority?

So, if the mother is leaving to save her child's spiritual life, she has now involved a family split on top of the next three years of spiritual influence. Both parents have their work cut out for them because the courts are not going to get in the middle of what one defines as their faith. (At least not yet.) Now this little girl will be exposed to not only two different life styles like most children of divorce, her young mind that isn't capable of abstract thinking is up for spiritual grabs. I hope that she has many people in her life praying for her heart. She didn't choose what she got into, but her parents sure did.

Oh, to think ahead and teach our children how to see the world through the eyes of what has eternal value and not the fleeting excitement of today.

Let's Have A Longer School Year

Just the other day I heard that there is some legislative discussion to lengthen the American school year. The reasoning is three-fold: kids in other countries score better, American kids are forgetting too much over the summer and finally, while they are busy forgetting, they are getting fat.

Hmmm.

I think the school DAY is too long, not to mention an entire school YEAR. The school system with its mandated number of days, attendance and hours required is based upon herding large groups of people to and fro, getting their attention and then teaching. As a mom who home schooled both kids for chunks of time, I can attest that we did not need to include classroom transition, getting everyone's attention or ensuring that 27 others also understood something before we proceeded. By eliminating this lost teaching time, and teaching specifically to the personality and strength of each child, we made the most of each day and our school days did not need to be 7 hours long for me to believe "learning" had taken place.

Everyone needs a break from what they are doing so that they can be refreshed. In the past hundred years, American kids get the summer off. Workers look forward to 2 whole weeks off. Presidents golf. I don't fault any of this. When I worked in an office and stared at a computer screen all day I was told to get up every 45 minutes. When I was in college, I pioneered the idea of "taking a break" to an extreme, but the point is real - our brains need a break while assimilating new information.

A break does not mean sitting on the couch eating potato chips for hours, it simply means a break from what you were doing. I have had many little "work starters". The things I do while fully invested in a work project but use to deflect my mind for a bit. I play games and return to the project at hand refreshed and ready to tackle more mental challenges. My current "work starter" favorite is crocheting. While I am "not working" and developing finger callouses from yarn, my mind is tracing and moving in ways not used when I am reading or speaking or on my laptop. When I jump back in, I am crisper and ready to go for another long stretch.

Summer is a time for camps, vacations, jobs if you are old enough, and family. This is all educational. When I was at camp, I learned a craft. On vacation, I learned how to meet other people from around the country. I still refer to the learning experiences of my very first jobs. Everything we do and experience is about learning. Learning is not limited to a school day during a certain month.

And... what about all the things that happen after school? Just because they are not under the umbrella of a school system does not mean these experiences are not educational. Sports, volunteering, music, arts, clubs and yes, even good old play. That thing where you use your imagination - not a controller - and don't wait for something to do the thinking for you. The list goes on and on.

I know people who work 7 hours and get an A. I know people who work 3 hours and get an A. Is the "A" measured by the time it took to get there, or the final product?

The real problem is the American attitude about education, not how long the school year is. If our nation thinks it is about time spent at something "or else", we are too ignorant for our own good and will sit around and get fat, we are missing it. If our nation thinks it is all about competing with other countries so we should be looking over our shoulders and seeing what we can do to catch up, we are really missing it.

What happened to a defined educational plan and instilling the idea that it is an honor to be able to learn? That being educated is not a fill-in-the-blank process with easy answers? That an education is personal and has to be earned? Cheating only works for awhile. Learning how to learn lasts for a lifetime. So, I guess I did just vote to extend the school year...

The End of An Era

It finally happened. My youngest got their driver's license, passing his test the first time out. We were so focused on his last Behind The Wheel drive, the test the next day and going on a vacation the next day I didn't stop to think about what this milestone in his life means to me.

Because my kids are 10 years apart, every time something big happened to Big Sister, I could rejoice fully with her, because I still "had backup". Our little guy was so much younger that I didn't even blink! Her milestones were "firsts" for her... and for us.

Now that Number Two is 16, we are facing his firsts but they are also now our lasts. Now that we are back from vacation and he has driven off so comfortably and capably to a friend's house, I am having a big hit of what I call a "sissy mommie moment." I treasure everything that happens in my kids lives in my heart. Each bullet item is extra special. Sometimes that's as far as it goes, sometimes they see me giddy with glee for them.

With Number Two's licensing, I am no longer his driver. I am no longer going to be texted to find out when I can get there to pick him up. No longer will I spend extra time on the road going back and forth and back and forth. I am no longer going to drop him off and watch him walk into a building before I drive away. It's over, gulp. This is even harder because he was so appreciate of his rides - like how we would take a day off to drive him 90 minutes away to his favorite local ski area. Now he is appreciative and earnest about asking for the use of a car and even goes so far as to be sure to know what time I will need it in order to get it back in time.

So, another era is over in our parenting journey just as another era has begun in our son's life journey. Tears for growing up too quickly and a couple more for what a great man he is working on becoming. It's our milestone, too.

There's Not Too Many of These Heros Left

Today marks the passing of an American television icon known for family values and programs that entire generations could watch together. I grew up watching the reruns of The Andy Griffith Show and loved the simple story lines that emphasized life's simple experiences. By the end of each episode, somebody had learned something that enhanced their character.

One of my favorite episodes is when young son Opie (who could roam the town each day because it was safe) met a "magic man" with a "shiney hat" who "jingled from the tree tops". When he shared this at family dinner with Pa and Aunt Bea, no one would believe him. For the next few days, Opie continued to meet his friend, the telephone lineman with the metal safety hat and all his tools dangling from his tool belt. Each night, the earnest son tried to share about his new friend with his family. And each night Pa (Andy) became more angry at this outrageous tale. Finally, he sent Opie to his room for lying and was threatening further consequences if he would not confess. But Opie couldn't confess, because he wasn't lying. The show ends when Andy runs into the telephone lineman and is told what a great son he has. He was sick to learn he had been riding his son for days without really listening to him. His earnest apology and young son's wide-eyed forgiveness leaves the audience with something to think about in their own lives.

Another wonderful aspect about the show is that Andy was a strong, involved father. He was not a joke, he was not an idiot. He did his best and like any parent, sometimes made mistakes. He had the love and respect of his son and he was a strong leader. For some, this is as close as they come to seeing what that may look like.

While the show was simple, there were layers to it. A story writer's guideline that isn't followed very well any more is to "show" not "tell". The Andy Griffith Show did an excellent job of showing the audience and not spelling it out for them. This is something we can teach our children when they are learning creative writing.

It's time for me to rent as many seasons as I can find and start watching them with my family. Without commercials, it's 22 minutes of a visual that can be followed up with some gently guided discussion. Especially today when there is such an absence of solid character heroes on television, the up and coming generations need to see that it really does matter who you are from the inside out first.

We'll miss you, Andy. But thank you for your legacy.

Memory Markers

The Bible is full of references to markers that have been put in place so that all who pass by in the future will think about and honor what God had done in that special spot. This is a picture of Jacob's well where Jesus met the infamous "woman at the well". How significant that that encounter took place at such a memory-filled location so important in the Old Testament.

This gets me thinking. What if we do something like that within our own families? What if we mark events or dates and celebrate its wonder as a family? What a way to cement us together as the team you never get traded from!


Here are some things we have either celebrated or know people who have:

- Missing front teeth
- New Year's Eve as a family reviewing the year in pictures
- The First day of school (ice cream?)
- Turning 13 with a purity weekend away spent with a parent
- Learning to ride a bike (or skate, or climb, etc.)
- Learning a new skill (cooking, woodworking, etc.)
- Helping in the community as a family
- Teaching a pet to master a new trick
- Donating outgrown toys
- Starting high school
- Make annual birthday movies adding to them each year
- Paint a family mural
- Start a new family holiday tradition

The ideas are endless. The idea is that as you gather to remember and celebrate, you reinforce your family and pause to reflect on how God has been with you. The more you celebrate, the more opportunities you will have to delight in what God has done - both big and small. Talk about a living legacy!

Saying "I Love You" to Our Kids

By necessity, my firstborn learned to make her own lunch while in Kindergarten. I was a single working parent and we had to hop to it every morning to get the two of us where we needed to be by 8:30. I had all the fix'n's and she put the right combo together on the days we did not have her buy lunch.

Ten years later, her little brother followed in her footsteps and also made his own lunch on days he did not buy lunch at school.

The difference? Ten years later I wasn't alone fielding everything and could take some time every once in awhile to make a lunch and put some fun love into it. Our little guy still had the main job because I am all about coaching kids to be responsible.

But... every once in awhile, I surprised him with a lunch already made... and a funny face drawn on a hard-boiled egg. (I just "surprised" him yesterday although he hasn't seen the egg just yet.)

For my girl, packing a sticky note somewhere reached her. For my boy, making an egg looking crazy reached him. Both felt a special mama-love-message in the middle of the day.

As parents, we have a fabulous opportunity to find simple ways to show our kids we love them in different ages and stages. With our son, it's a favorite dinner and with our adult married daughter it's a shared recipe.

We are a vocal "I love you" family in addition to trying to show it in various tangible love languages. I encourage families to find ways to be sure their kids know they are loved. This is the best message we can ever communicate. And yup, it will leak out in ways that only our various personalities can demonstrate.