Are You Fully Present?

In one episode of the classic sitcom I Love Lucy, Ricky was reading the newspaper at the breakfast table mumbling "Yes dear" to each of Lucy's attempts at conversation. This scene has been reenacted in other programs, movies and comic strips - the wife is ignored by her distracted husband. He was not fully present. It is supposed to be funny.

Today anyone can avoid being fully present if they have a smart phone. We can use the time waiting in line to check for email or snoop on Facebook. The 30 minute oil change flies by when we read or watch the news on our phone. While watching a cable movie, we can Google IMDb and solve the mystery of who that one actor in the back is. There are indeed many benefits to the device that fits in the palm of our hand. Did you know there is more technology in an iPhone than in the first craft to land on the moon in 1968?

Maybe we have it too good? As a seasoned family coach, pastor and child advocate I am always observing how families relate to one another in public. It is a switch that knows no "off" setting. Toddlers in grocery carts will stretch their necks to send me a grin and of course I return that blessing. Worried parents will look down and wonder why the smile fest with a stranger.

Most of the time when I see families out in public where they are waiting in line or sitting in the Target cafe eating pizza, the parents are not really there. Oh sure, their bodies are there, but their minds are not. They are either scrolling on their smart phone touch screen or talking to someone on the phone. The kids are left to chew to themselves and look around. Funny, don't the parents realize that their kids hear every word? Just because the conversation isn't directed at them doesn't mean they aren't listening, comprehending or remembering.

The kids are learning what is being unintentionally taught: mom has other things to do, they aren't important enough to focus on, meal time is a function not requiring interaction. You get the idea. Remember, what is projected as normal is what kids think of as normal. Example: I have met adults who never celebrated Valentine's Day growing up so it has no meaning for them. Then they marry someone who has a huge value attached. Feelings are hurt until both come to realize what they had "learned" growing up. I hope all the kids sitting next to a parent so occupied by a smart phone today don't pass this on to their families. We need people to know how to be with one another.

Once I saw a mom eating with her three boys in the Target cafe. She made sure to engage each child in a lively lunchtime conversation. The boys' body language was alert and everyone was making eye contact. No one hung their head out of boredom. You could hear laughter as they enjoyed one another. As they all cleaned up after themselves (thoughtful, too!) I approached the mom. I just had to tell her she had made my day by being so engaged with her sons. She grinned appreciatively, but you could tell this was something she did all the time, not something she did intermittently.

I read a blog recently that asked the question: Are you taking pictures of your kids on Instagram to post in place of actually being with them? Very good thought. We can "post" our way through our days so easily now.

Let's be sure when we are at the park, we are at the park. When we are at the table, we are at the table. Don't let an "important" call or email intrude on your family time. In 20 years, the ones who called/texted/FB'd/emailed/etc will not remember their interruptions, but your kids will remember if you were "there" or not.

Fit the Consequence to the Offense

Notice I didn't say "punishment fit the crime"? In parenting, our role is to teach our children to think for themselves, not think for them. We are rarely punishing if we are objective - we are however providing consequences.

A recent media sensation is the 11-year old California girl who was caught twerking at a recent school dance. Her mother was outraged and sought to teach her a lesson. The method? Her punishment was to stand on a busy street corner holding up a large sign stating something like "I disrespected my parents by twerking at the school dance." Her mother was standing nearby as this girl held up her sign for I don't know how long.

In the picture, you see the girl in the shortest of shorts. The mom is in a mid-calf dress off camera.

The girl was standing in revealing apparel at a prominent location as people drove by oggling her. What did this have to do with her behavior at the dance?

How is shaming this girl teaching her anything about behaving appropriately next time? Was the mom just upset about the body gyrations? What about the clothing she provides for her daughter when she isn't at a dance? Clothing that was apparently acceptable for her daughter to wear in public as evidenced by the shorts.

This girl might have disresecpted her parents, but she disrespected herself even more. THAT is what needs to be explored, and mom can start by editing the clothes closet and checking out how consistent she is. This girl got a mixed message, and I doubt she understood why twerking was not appropriate.

The mom should have been teaching her daughter that she has value and promise, and not to waste any part of herself  - including gyrations but even thoughts - on anything that devalues her.

Thank you Miley Cyrus for providing even more opportunities for parents to coach their kids in making chaste choices.

In Praise of Doulas

One of my favorite TV series is Gilmore Girls. It's a fast-talking drama about a single parent mom who raises her teen through college. We get to know the entire fictional town and all its characters over the seven seasons. It is well-acted and Carole King even sings the theme song. A few episodes focused on Liz having a baby with her new husband TJ. Liz was the sister of Luke, the hot owner of the local diner. She married a man short on intellect but long on patience and love and was blind to his faults. When the baby was born, she agreed to name her Doula, after their birthing coach.

Before I get to my point, I must share that this story reminds me of how my Norwegian grandmother got her name. Her sisters were Thora, Berghold, Astrid and Margaret. Her full name was Nanny Arvilda Larsen. She was born second from the last at time when their mother was sewing for an upper crust family in Norway. Her employers had a nanny for their children.

Back to doulas. When the Gilmore Girl episode ran, I had to Google the word. That's when I learned that these are amazing women trained to coach a pregnant woman through her childbirth experience. She is the advocate for the mother in labor and works in connection with the OB and nurses. Her role is to represent and speak on behalf of the mom and give voice to her needs and concerns. Doulas are even covered by insurance so I am surprised that every mother-to-be doesn't take advantage of this opportunity.

A few years later, I met my daughter's mother-in-law who has been a childbirth educator all over the world for years. She has an R.N. and trains doulas. I have learned even more about the benefit and blessing of having someone who is totally on your side there all along. They won't let you get bullied into tests or procedures that are not necessary and stand for the healthy delivery of your baby. Many doulas are also nurses.

Doulas enable the focus of the birth to be on the baby and is a reassuring voice even afterward when breastfeeding is introduced. They are excellent resources and passionate about pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding.

Had I known about doulas when I had my babies, I know I wouldn't have gotten lost in what the nurses and doctors insisted they do. I know someone would have believed how I felt and I know I would not have been induced and left in a mess with some drugs that didn't do what was promised. I would have been valued, and so would my babies. And I know I would have been set up for success right away.

Thank you to every doula out there! You are making a difference in this world and are a tremendous blessing!

Leaving No Stone Unturned

One of my driving forces is that when something needs to happen, I exhaust the possibilities with research beyond what it would normally take. After all, I have to accomplish this thing. I don't do one thing and wait, I do a number of things and keep going until I unearth the answer or achieve the goal.

Simple Example: when we were moving back to the Minneapolis area a few months ago and looking for a rental home, I did the usual Craigslist and online searches. Then I emailed friends I knew were connected to real estate. I even went on Face Book. Guess what? It was the FB post that landed us our home.

When both my kids were little, I asked them each the following question: You are on an important journey that takes you on a long path through a forrest. As you walk along, suddenly you come upon a HUGE boulder as big as our house! It is blocking the path. What do you do? The answer I prayed not to hear was something like "sit down and wait for help" or "turn around". Thankfully, both of my kids indicated different tactics they would take to get past the boulder and continue on the journey.

Okay you might be saying, that is nice story but what about in real life? Would they still get past that boulder? I am happy to report a resounding yes.

Just the other day my second born had his real life "boulder" experience at school. He was taking his fourth high school lab science class and didn't think he would need it for graduation and wanted to drop it as it was an elective. He went to the counselor who did not know if all of the other three counted as lab science. He went to the current teacher who didn't know, either. He emailed the university he wants to apply to and asked them. Knowing he was not going to get an answer right away, we sought out the teacher of the prior science class in question who told him it indeed counted. There was not another thing he could have done to cover all his bases. After a few days he was able to drop the course - he only had to wait a little while. But he could rest during his waiting knowing that he had done as much as he could to unearth the answer he needed. He was prepared to continue the class if need be, but was thrilled he did not have to.

I didn't know anything about the details until he got home from school that day. All I knew was that he was going to try and drop the class if he had all the necessary credits. He took over and got the answers - he didn't just walk up to one person and stop there. My respect for him has soared!

The other day I got the confirmation that he has that even-keeled determination and critical thinking to handle situations even when the facts say otherwise. He does not need to be told how to think things through by another entity. He will not be blindly lead or swallow everything up front as if it is a truth.

Hallelujah I've got two of these!!!

Passing On Fear

Am I over-sharing if I tell you that my favorite guilty pleasure on television is the reality show Giuliana and Bill? When it comes on, my husband groans and leaves the room, so now I record it and watch it later. Giuliana Rancic is very open about her phobias in her TV show also featuring hubby Bill and miracle baby Duke. Now that they are parents, I get a kick out of the lengths they will earnestly explore in order to parent their son.

The other night, Giuliana had a beauty pageant to host, so Bill flew to Lake Michigan with the baby to teach him not to be afraid of the water like his mother. He bundled the approximate 9-month-old into a water safety suit, climbed into a giant inner tub and held him tightly while a speed boat pulled them around. When Giuliana joined them, they went to the top of a sky scraper and walked to the edge of the balcony. The trouble was, the floor became glass so it looked like you were walking over nothing. Bill and the Baby did just fine, but Giuliana couldn't do it. She kept saying things like, "Baby Duke, you're not gonna be afraid like Mommy, right?"

I think parents can pass on fears by how they address them or what they demonstrate to their kids. Announcing it like Giuliana did won't work. All that did was call attention to it. The good news is that at this age, Duke probably didn't know what mom was saying - but I bet he could pick up her vibe of anxiety.

Rather than pass on my fears, I would rather my kids get some of their own. In a perfect world, it would be great if no one was crippled by any fears and just had those healthy ones like don't stick your hand on the stove. However, I understand Giuliana's fear of heights full well. The difference is that instead of showing it to my kids, I just stepped aside and let Granda take them up to the top or let Dad take them on the world's tallest roller coaster. I let them know I wasn't comfortable but urged them to have fun. Now it is the family inside joke. Fine with me, I'm still waiting by the ground floor exit.

Being raised by a mother who was afraid of her own shadow was tough. She expected me not to "step on a crack" or not "walk under a ladder" right along with her. When I was seven, I accidentally broke a small mirror. "Oh no," she solemnly warned me, "Now you're going to have seven years of bad luck!" And while she never brought that up again, I remember thinking that the "bad" things that happened were a result of that mirror and counting the years until I was 14. And wouldn't you know, I broke another mirror then.

Parents are the front-line influencers of our children for the first dozen years, until peers creep in and seem to take over our role for awhile. We have to remember it is much less what we say than what we display. My mom never said she was afraid of small spaces, she just screeched and clasped me in elevators. She never said she was afraid of fire, she just counted all the stove burners that were shut off before we left the house. While all of this was happening, I thought it was normal. After all, this was my mom and my family.

It took time to see that her anxiety was not like other moms, and by the time I was in my mid-teens, would gently tease her. But she took her fears seriously and gave them a place to live inside her. What she unintentionally taught was that "something bad was going to happen". Remember, she never said it, she just lived it. Of course her own childhood had a great deal to do with it - I never knew those details until I was an adult.

There are reasons why someone can become anxious, but they don't have to become the excuse. And we don't have to use it as permission to stay that way. We can work through anxiety and fear with good counseling. We don't have to be governed by it. And that's why I tried not to give too much attention to my fear of heights in front of my kids. Neither one of them have developed that fear. I just don't like being on the edge of a drop-off, that's all.

So to Giuliana, I say hats off to you for acknowledging your fears and wanting to deal with them. Just don't involve your baby. While he is learning life, don't call attention to your angst and to the best of your ability, let him grow without passing on a mantle too heavy and burdensome. So, get ready for when he climbs to the top of the jungle gym in about six months!

So, Do You Think He Likes Me?

This is a heartbreaking story about an innocent 6th grade girl well-loved and intentionally parented by  a highly degreed mother and father. She lived in a fine neighborhood, had already been taught to volunteer, and was an excellent student. She had been exposed to art, travel and had a number of hobbies designed to put her ahead of other college candidates one day.

She was a sweet girl who assertively sold wrapping paper for her school's fundraiser, made great conversation with adults and was set up for success. One weekend, she eagerly accepted an invitation to a middle school party only to find out parents weren't visible even though she and her mother had been told otherwise. She was the last one anyone would think would end up drinking and having intercourse with a boy she had never met before. After the party, her only concern was wondering if the boy liked her.

A mere child just old enough to babysit ignorantly gave up her virginity and possibly exposed herself to how many STDs and her only question was,"Do you think he likes me?"

Boom! This epitomizes the gender difference between young adolescents. Girls are thinking about skipping through the English Garden, linen dress billowing in the gentle breeze strolling hand-in-hand with a pimple-less lad reciting poetry as they sip lemonade. Most teen guys are testosterone-driven thinking mainly about how they can "get some". This precious girl wasn't prepared for that and allowed the ultimate act to be performed on her, and did not comprehend what she had done.

This story illustrates the fact that young teens are still concrete thinkers, unable to process thoughts and experiences in the manner adults do. She didn't even understand the long-term ramifications because she wasn't supposed to be having intercourse yet. As parents and caregivers, it is our moral responsibility to prepare our children for unexpected sexual situations and coach them about what it means (and doesn't mean) and how to safely leave the situation without compromising their purity.

Popular Christian parenting curriculum the past 18 years centers around having a purity weekend with a parent of the same sex honoring the new 13-year-old. All kinds of materials, information and scripture is discussed. At the close of the weekend, the new teen receives some sort of symbol (a ring, a necklace, a bracelet) that they can wear until their wedding one day. They have made a covenant between themselves and God.

While I applaud the weekend idea, I think it is far too late to wait until age 13 to bring up many of the details regarding purity. Remember, the girl in this story was barely 12. Her parents were so busy trying to cover all the opportunities and education, they overlooked training about her body or surprise sexual and social situations. She was intelligent and level-headed, so they didn't have a worry.

From the time my kids could talk, I have told them that their body belongs only to them and that no one should touch them if they don't want them to. (That includes those forced hugs from relatives that makes kids squirm.) No one should ever  touch them on body parts covered by a swimsuit much less see them. Only doctors in the doctor's office were allowed to see or touch their bodies there, and only for an examination. One day when they were grown up, their husband or wife would be able to love and touch them anywhere they wanted. But while they are growing up, that is not safe. I also taught them to tell me if any other child or adult tried to touch them.

I am glad I had this talk, because my five-year-old son was able to tell me about the 10-year-old boy in the summer day camp bathroom who wanted to examine him. If he had not been pre-armed to be aware (not scared - just aware), who knows what might have happened?

Having these sensitive conversations should include age-appropriate content (at attention-span length) and should always be conducted calmly and couched with parental concern for the child's well-being. In later elementary years, purity can also be introduced. Caveat: In no way is this about the popular word "shame". We do not want our children to be ashamed of their bodies, but to understand how special their bodies are and that they are created in God's image. Therefore, they should treat their bodies accordingly and allow things at the appropriate time in life. They are the only ones in charge of their bodies.

What happened to the girl? She told her mom who promptly took her for a medical exam. The mom called the host parents. They had more in-depth conversations after that and were more cautious. She continued to excel in all areas of talent and grew up to be a healthy young woman. But no one could take back that one night when she lost her innocense.