The weeks leading up to Mother's Day bombard us wherever we go with gift ideas. The cards. The obligatory flowers. The last-minute gift ideas. The brunch reservations. On the radio, we hear the count down until the big day when we honor our mothers. If you are married, you may have a scheduling challenge regarding which mom to see and when. If you are in your own family, you have to remember to include your self. Mother's Day is such a big day in North America that many realtors forgo open houses this day because the focus is on the moms.
But what if you can't celebrate your mom because she is no longer alive? What if you can't celebrate her because she lives across the country? What if you can't celebrate her because you are currently in a fight? Or what if you can't celebrate her because she never nurtured you in the first place? What if the desire of your heart is to be a mother yourself and it looks like that might not ever happen? For these and many other reasons I have not thought of, sometimes Mother's Day can be a very painful day for some.
So what do we do? If we are among the ones able to celebrate their mothers, we can be grateful we are in that position, keeping in mind that many others are not so fortunate. We can also remove the casual query in our social chit-chat about what someone else is doing on that day. If we know someone hurting about their mother, we could invite them do some activity the day before to create a different memory. We could even invite "mothers day orphans" over on mother's day if that works with the family dynamics. If your husband doesn't honor you, you can teach your kids how to make mother's day pancakes yourself and have fun.
If we are are in the category of those who don't value their mothers - or maybe just in a fight - there are some objective things we can do so that our hurt or anger abates. First of all, remember that your mother came to who she was honestly - based on her own life experiences and how she experienced her mother. Some of our moms just don't have the extra "mom" finesse because of their history. It's no excuse, but it is a reason why they are/were who they are/were. Go back the generation before your mother. What was her mother's mother like? Many mothers of large families simply had no time with heavy duties of running a family, possibly even as a single parent.
If your mother doesn't behave the way that you would like, can you respect her opinions and viewpoints apart from yours even if they don't line up? It's what she thinks. And how she thinks is shaped by how she was treated growing up. If no one nurtured her and she didn't know that should be included in mothering, how can you expect to be cuddled now? I am simply pointing out that I believe people do the best they can with what they have in a given situation. I don't think they are looking to hurt you specifically, unless there is some pathology.
If you are dealing with mental illness or addiction or criminal activity, the same thing goes. There are reasons why people do or say things that explain the why. It's when we put our expectations on others that we get into trouble. Your mother may only be able to give you the bit you got. You may wish it was more, and that's okey to wish. But to live expecting it year after year when she is just not able only sets you up for hurt and anger. Grieve what you didn't get. Let go of the fact you weren't her favorite. And then use your healing to give that to others in spite of your loss. Have you found an honorary mother to share your life? You can be one to someone else, too. And don't forget by giving what you didn't get to your own kids breaks the cycle.
If you happen to be one of those who is just pissed off at your mother and have shut her out of your life, think calmly about your reasons. Did she do something evil to you? To anyone? Is whatever you are angry about even your business? If you have a mom reaching out to you and you ignore her without informing her why, then the shame goes on you for attempting to hold some power trip over her. If you have explained why you can't be in her life clearly (and it makes rational sense), then that's a different story. Just make sure you aren't creating a wall for the wrong reason, and that you got all the information directly. This is not the time to base your actions on someone else's words. Try as you might, you will always know who your mother is, so you really can't erase her.
You have come to your understanding of self and world as a result of your unique life experiences. Holding a grudge will never make you a better person. Each thing you attempt to do until you get things set up correctly in the forgiveness department will be tainted in some degree if you have any moral character. If you are one of the true motherless people, may your day be filled with tender memories. Search those memory banks and see if you can't find a couple. Most moms truly are on a sweet, clumsy path to do their simple best for their babies. Have you thought about that?
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