Dr. Laura Yelled at Me

For real.

Last week I called in to the famous satelite radio shrink to get her opinion about a minor delimma. If you follow my blog, you know I listen to her frequently and agree with about 80% of what she says. But, I disagree with about 60% of the way she says things.

Yes, she has razor sharp acumen and takes a moral stand. Yes, she is witty at times and can readily laugh at herself. And, yes, her on-air show is entertaining. That's the part I need to remember after the unexpected tongue-lashing I received.

I only had to wait about 15 minutes to go on the air. The crisp screener just wanted to know my question, age, first name and state. After 10 minutes of waiting, the screener clicked in to tell me I was next. The caller before me got the good doctor cranky. After she greeted me and I told her I was a long-time fan, I asked my question and began to summarize the backstory so she would have a better picture of my situation.

Well, I didn't get too far before she pounced and snipped at me and told me I was wrong. I said she had given me a lot to think about and she corrected me "no I didn't!!!" and told me I had to do what she had said, it was my duty.  When I tried to add more information, she scolded me and said "who cares??!!" Then she warned me not to be "whiney" or "sulky" when I go and do the right thing she had told me to do. I said I absolutely would not be whiney or sulky and she interrupted me again to tell me what to do and then there was just air. When the radio came back on, I could hear the last paragraph of our conversation. After she hung up on me, she snapped "and that is how it's done!!" to her listeners. She never did get to hear the rest of the information surrounding my situation - she just reacted to the headline.

This bruising got me thinking about how quickly we may jump to conclusions when our spouse or kids are trying to tell us something. We hear just a few words and snap, think we know where this is going and launch into commentary or lecture. The other person is left taken aback and stammering to try and clarify, but it's too late. Our all-knowing brilliance has already filtered, processed and concluded.

The trouble is, in real life it takes longer than 30 seconds to adequately explain a situation so that the listener can hear where you are coming from. Blanket truths cannot be so glibly applied without more information. I'm not talking about every little teeny timy detail. Examples will do. Asking clarifying - not judgmental - questions and comments will also help set the stage. Deciding how this is going to end up without full information will not build your relationship, nor will you be able to give an objective answer.

So many times in my parenting journey, I have jumped to the wrong conclusion and one of my more-patient-than-me kids has calmly explained otherwise. Then I tuck my ignorant head under my wing, apologize and exit the room. I am getting better, but I still jump sometimes. What I have learned is that the times I jump to a negative conclusion in a nano second, I am usually in error. It really wasn't what it looked like or sounded like. My kid really was being a solid citizen - it just didn't initially look like it. More information filled in the gaps.

Judging others is never a wise thing to do. Things are not what they might look like. Going through a divorce a long time ago, my ex insisted I drive his Mercedes because of how expensive the upcoming car tabs were and he wanted to cause me further financial anxiety. Sure, I looked like all was well as I drove that car but I only had $20 in my wallet. No one knew that part, but they sure snarked at me at church about how "hard" I had it. I didn't answer Dr. Laura and I didn't answer those unkind judgers. But am I ever glad my kids took the time to give me some more information all those times when I was out of line and pouncing.

Here's to holding back on instant reactions and getting more information first.

Love You, Don't Like You

We've all met kids we don't like and have had to deal with them - or our feelings about those buggers. What if the kid we don't like does not belong to our brother-in-law or isn't that little irritating one belonging to our neighbor ... but our own?'

ARGH. It happens.

The good news is that you can LOVE your kid, just not what they are doing. In my humble opinion, it is more than okay to dislike their actions and want to shrink from them at times. Yes, acknowledging this is a stab in your heart. But wait -- didn't your heart already get stabbed by your disappointment? You can do this. You can acknowledge this and keep going with hope and continue being a good parent.

A concept I have clung to since I was in college is that while I may not like everyone, God wants me to love them. Yes, I have not always liked my kid because of what they were doing or how they were acting, but I have always loved them.

Some times we need to wait to see a glimmer in their eyes that they are still "in there". But I never think we should give up on our babies. We need God's grace to keep us in tact as we wait to see the character displayed that we always yearned or prayed for. We need to keep following our principles without whining. And, act neutral.

A mentor taught me the importance of keeping thy mouth shut in order to keep her family in tact. She did not approve of her child's choice of mates but remained gracious and loving. Years later, her child discovered for themselves the true character of that poor choice and made different decisions. Graciousness wins all the time. Had the mom spoken her mind early on, she would have lost the relationship with her child. Instead, she plugged along.

The same thing goes when a child is going through an ugly period of development and I just don't mean zits. They may be doing or saying things you abhor. Their personality may clash with yours. You may see your flesh-and-blood being snotty or hurting other kids. Maybe they even dislike one of your other kids or have started to steal or do drugs. Draw the line.

In my work, I have dealt with many families where a parent's heart is wounded because of a child's actions. Bottom line: they want their babies to knock it off and refocus. Stand strong on your principles if you find yourself in this scenario. You have laid the foundation. Remember that. Respond when they are on track and don't get sucked into their drama when they aren't. Keep stating the main goals. Depend on God and don't compare yourself to other families.

If you didn't know how to lay down a parenting foundation, contact me. That's my passion and I'll walk you through it.

Keeping your chin firm and "letting" kids experience reality consequences has also been called "tough love". It requires patience, action and ongoing prayers. In extreme cases, you may need to be the one to place your child in treatment or call the police. Do it. Forget about what people think, take steps to keep your baby alive with a chance at a future. Side stepping this necessary action will surely kill them in one way or another and deny a future of good mental health at the least.

Not extreme - just a kid with a lousy attitude that makes you shirk? Keep those family rules and don't try to fix it when they get kicked off a team or are shunned by peers because of their behavior. Be glad reality is in their face and pray for realization but don't nag.  So what if they can't graduate with their class.  Get them help. Are they hurting the family emotionally? Stop their access to areas they are impacting. Maybe they don't get to go to the family dinner. Perhaps they have been so ungrateful there is no birthday gift. Shrug your shoulders and tell them you wish you could have done otherwise, but their choices dictated reality and walk away.

Less is more. Make simple statements and resist the necessary urge to rant on and on. If you don't, you have shot yourself in the proverbial foot. No one listens to ramblings. It's a sure signal for them to tune out. Just be calm, concise and brief.

Remember, your goal is to launch a fully functioning human into the world. Whatever their age of adulthood. Fully functioning people do not have people coddling, excusing or solving it for them. Fully functioning people have learned how to deal with the real stuff in life and take responsibility for their behavior. If you provide this scenario without narration, you are on the right track!

Along the way, you are bound not to like some of what your kids do. After all, they are human just like you. Don't focus on the alarm that you don't like something - focus on your end goal and know you are doing the right thing and in good company. If it's more than that, it's time for some counseling so you don't leave a mark on another human, much less one of your very own creation.

That's Not Funny, Steve Carrell

One of the funniest actors I enjoy is Steve Carrell. His ability to hold his face neutral while delivering inane dialog and get a huge laugh is admirable - and absolutely hilarious.

Recently he was on Jay Leno sharing a requisite "funny family story".  Apparently he accidentally rented an R-rated movie to show at his 9-year-old's big sleepover. They saw Predator. And now, chuckled dear Steve, he's known as "that dad" at his son's school.

That would be the dad who opened the door ahead of time. The dad who laughingly used poor judgement. The dad who permitted explicit media in his home geared toward a much more mature audience. Not only "that dad"... but the one who trumped the authority of other parents and choose for them. Repeat: he made the choice for other parents. That is not funny.

Parents: Never be the one known for having loose standards or the house where kids can get away with things. Never ever ever decide something so big as when a child will be introduced to mature content for another parent's kid. It's okay to go for it with little things like cookies or ice cream, but never anything as big as exposing someone else's child to material generated for older age groups. Carrell thinks most of the movie "went over their heads". Wait a few years for their vocabularies to grow and ask again. He was wrong.

No, Steve Carrell my favorite comedian and charming man, no. You blew something bigger than that one sleepover night and turned it into a "funny story thing".  This is much more than that. And what you did, you can't erase. You caused imprint on children's minds. Imprint that will weave its way through their current frame of references and leave acid droppings and questions on their future snapshots as they filter experiences and images while they continue to mature and develop. On behalf of the other parents, thanks for nothing. That was negative imprint.

Parents must respect other parents and err on the side of modesty. Much better to ask forgiveness for offering red meat  than a virtual introduction to "mature content". The red meat vegetarian parents don't want their kids to eat can leave the body within 24 hours, thoughts are there forever. This error cannot be apologized away. It's there.

Steve did not do this intentionally, I'm sure. He just wasn't on alert as a parent. The greatest influence we have on our children enters through their eyes and minds. Something many adults fail to place a high value on. The shorter ones are absorbing more than you think and watching you carefully. Humbly recognize this and adapt accordingly.

We held a lot of family events at our home where the kids ended up in the family room downstairs for a period of time. Our kids were in charge of monitoring which videos were watched and which video games were played. It was G only when other kids were over. Yes they resisted at first about my insistence that none of the other games we allowed them to play would be accessed for a couple of hours, but respected my request. When our daughter was 13 and hosting a slumber party, the girls wanted to watch a PG 13 movie. Knowing one of the moms was careful about content, I called and asked her if that was okay before showing it. She appreciated my contact.

I never want to be known as the house where something premature or unacceptable was introduced. It is each family's own business if and when they introduce any kind of media. This decision is not for any other person to make. Not an older sibling, grandparent or babysitter. It is up to the parents.

Heaven help you if you have family members or babysitters sabotaging you. Just don't be the neighbor or friend adding to it - kids are growing older at a rate much too young as it is and don't have the skills to handle their futures any faster.

If you need a nudge to believe me, just watch what no one even blinks at any more. We've been conditioned to normalize and laugh where we used to blink.  Culturally we have relegated caution to nostalgia. Let's bring it back and train the coming generations to age in a healthy sequence and not rush exposure to things they literally can't wrap their minds around til later. All that does is contribute to the plague of desensitivy.  And that really isn't funny.

Recipe For Family Failure

Thank you very not so much.

No matter what you say, I am going to hang on to what I want as a parent. Forget the situation and the mental health of the family. It is going to be the way I want it to be.

No matter what you say, I don't need to listen to you because I have the right ideas. I am the parent, not you. We are glutton-free and you don't even recycle so what do you know? I know most.

No matter what you say, I want it the way I have already been doing it even though it hasn't worked. I am going to keep doing it this way because it is THE way.

No matter what you say, I will disregard your expertise because I want what I want no matter what.
Even though I invited you into my life to give objective input, I'm right. Right?

No matter what you say, in times of crisis I will still demand the house runs as if everything is fine. Your suggestions fall flat because I will not budge so nothing works unless you make it happen my way.

No matter what you say, I will force my kid to do homework the way I want them to and not pay attention to their learning styles.

No matter what you say, I will continue to accuse and shame my kids thinking they will talk to me because I am the adult and they must be doing something wrong - or at least thinking about it.

No matter what you say about how to talk to kids, I will do it my own way and wonder why they won't talk to me when they are older...or in therapy... or in prison or rehab.

No matter what you say, it won't be my fault when my kid doesn't live up to my standards. It just shows where they failed. I can't fail. I can never fail. I'm a parent.  I'm right. I did everything I could.

Oh. Wait. Should I listen to someone else?

Mommie Love-Wiches

...This really should have been a separate blog, not just one blog entry...

When my kids hit Kindergarten, they each learned to make their own lunch or pack the money to purchase lunch at school. Lunch became their responsibility as part of their personal development. Oh sure, every once in awhile I drew a picture with a Sharpie on a hard-boiled egg or baked some cookies and tucked a note where they would find it. But lunch was their thing to deal with apart from me. If they forgot their lunch or lunch money, I did not fix it by rushing to school. They either received mercy from the school lunch lady or waited until they got home to eat again.

Over the school years with each of my kids (since they were born 10 years apart that covers a nice time span) I have witnessed countless moms receiving the phone call about a forgotten lunch and off they go to take care of it. They looked at me with their heads cocked in wonder as to why I would let my kids go hungry. It's simple, I told them, I want a kid who knows how to take personal responsibility and if I do this for them, they won't arrive at that conclusion yet. Eyebrows raised in wonder, they left me to go do right by their kids while I finished my coffee from the "coffee date" we were having.

Last summer before his senior year in high school, our son went to and graduated from Army Basic Training. Otherwise known as Boot Camp. It was 10 weeks of minimal sleep and high demand on his body, mind and soul. And he did it. 5% of the guys last summer didn't. Senior year as a mere student had a new meaning for him when comparing school to that major timeline achievement.

A few weeks into this school year, coming home disappointed with the lunches offered - and especially the portions - our son asked me one night if I would please make him a sandwich. "Sure," I replied. So I set about making a good sandwich for my hungry soldier-son-student. I didn't want him to be hungry and I knew he liked to combine meats from the times we've gone to Jimmy John's. When he came home the next day, he was both grateful and enthusiastic, saying he would rather eat a sandwich every day than have the allowance for school lunches we usually provided.

And so, my "Love-Wiches" were born.

In the months since that one September night last fall I have not made the same sandwich twice. (To date that calculates to over 85 different creations.) While I never intended to be so original, it has become our thing. Every night I tap my fingertips and thumbs together, smile like a mad scientist and set about making something he will enjoy and might even be surprised by. When I first started making the "Love-Wiches", his buddies loved to see what was between the slices and started a buzz to see what was next. One went home and even asked his mom to up her sandwich-making and when she asked him to describe what he meant, she replied "Yeah, no." On the day that kid proudly and eagerly showed the guys at the lunch table his mother's upgrade, my son was busy unwrapping myvery first  triple-decker Love-Wich. He laughingly told us how the buddy's face fell.

So Senior Year is my year to reward my son for his years of responsibility and show him how much I love him in a way that speaks to his heart. It isn't about saving the $ for the school lunches, it's about having fun surprising him and it does my heart good to hear him rave. As any mother of a teen guy knows, it is quite something to truly know that your message of love has been perfectly received and isn't something he gives you points for trying, but missed the mark.

Okay, you must be asking - what is in these lovey-doveys? Since each sandwich is truly different, I can only give you an example of my process. That's why I said I should have started another blog - to record these wonders.

Thanks to my older daughter, it starts with toasted bread. That means what's in there won't get soggy waiting in his locker 'til lunchtime. I always make two identical sandwiches the night before. Sometimes they are double-deckers. I don't use mayo or tuna, but just about anything else goes. Usually, I use some kind of flavored whipped cream cheese and spread it on the inside bread slices. Then, I open the spice cabinet and look for the "hot" ones like Onion Salt, Bacon/Ranch seasoning or a pork rub. Anything my son sprinkles on dinner meat is fair game. I'll put something like that on one side and Sea Salt on the other. If we have some recent bacon drippings on hand, I'll drizzle just a bit as a hint of flavor. Next comes some kind of crunch. That may be Chow Mien noodles, broken pita chips or even some lettuce or parsley.

Then comes meat #1 from whatever is in the fridge. It might be any kind of lunch meat, but it could also be sliced leftover chicken breasts or meatballs. You get it. After that I layer his favorite cheese slices, and then I think of  additives like sliced onions, garlic spread, Ranch dressing or Dijon. Next comes meat #2 and another cheese slice or two. I frequently use shredded carrots here, too. (More crunch and it's a veggie!) Sometimes I mix cheeses, sometimes I keep them the same. If the meats are spicy I use neutral a cheese. The time his sandwich was leftover Chicken Pad Thai, I used Swiss cheese and peanut butter.

The only sandwich failure was the time I thought it would be fun to use frozen waffles in place of bread. None of the lunch buddies could figure out that logic and even though it tasted "okay", my son gently asked if I "not do that creepy thing again".  His sandwich buddy once even brought home a (non-waffle) sample to show his mom who later told me "I can't do that" and we both had a chuckle about how I just look around and combine. Pouf!

Wrapping the Love-Wiches is fun, too. Depending on the type of bread used, sometimes I cut the sandwiches in half. I roll each 'Wich in wax paper and pack them inside a baggie. I've even used an empty bread bag to hold the goods. No reusable lunch bags or containers for an 18-year-old who doesn't need any "extra projects". Sometimes I add a cookie or candy cane or piece of fruit and yes, he does add to landfills with his post-lunch trash.

It gives me great pleasure to provide a hearty and healthy mid-day meal for my soon-to-be-out-of-the-house son, especially because he feels the love 100%. Many times it's hit and miss when parents try to let their kids know how much they are loved. I sure dig knowing I have hit so many home runs! And yes, even though he knows how to do this on his own, it's okay to just bless him for a few months.

Driver's Ed Begins in the Car Seat

That's right. I started teaching my kids the principles of driving right out of the womb. While it was intentional, it obviously wasn't structured. I was well aware that was a mere baby back there. No, it was just part of everyday life. After all, isn't that a moral obligation when you are in the top tier of the world's best drivers?

My kids grew up hearing me pray each time I started the car. They observed that we all buckle up and that if another car lets you merge, you wave "thanks". They watched us slow for pedestrians and keep a safe distance from the cars in front of us.

They heard me praying for the thoughtless drivers, too. Frequently overheard was something like this, "Dear Lord, please help the person who almost just ran us off the road to drive safer." One day when my son was three, someone was really driving poorly and I muttered, "Idiot." Unfortunately that introduced a new vocabulary word heard around the house. I had to sit with him and apologize for that one and then tell God - also in front of him - how sorry I was for using such a rude word. In the future I used a new made-up word when frustrated called "I -Dot". I taught my son it meant that someone wasn't using their whole brain when they needed to. Once my beginning reader asked from his backseat perch, "The sign says 4-5. Are we going 4-5 Mom?" We sure were...now that I knew my son knew the speed limit.

One of the biggest things my kids learned during their left and right brain development was that I prayed whenever we heard a siren. Even when we didn't know whether it was a fire truck or an ambulance going off, we lowered the radio volume and prayed for that sound in the distance announcing that people needed help for something. Just a short sentence prayer. I explained that we may be the only ones who had ever prayed for them, modeling the value of even one prayer.

Okay, so the foundation was set. We continued to drive and pray as our kids grew. When they were early teens, I started to provide more narrative. Once in awhile, I pointed out various drivers and what to watch for, or what not to do. (Like the day a guy in a pickup purposely didn't let us merge and nearly forced us of the road and then laughingly bolted into the open lane and sped by, proud of his terror-causing while girlfriend sat by his side. No, don't be like that and pray for a girl who thinks that is a good guy to date.) We began asking him to help navigate the map on road trips and help with directions to new places. Rather than just allowing them to remain a passive passenger, we made sure they recognized major roads and the routes to our regular haunts. Unlike some kids I have met, they could give directions to get home. A skill I found important one day when trying to drive my girl's school chum home and that kid had no idea where she lived.

When our son hit 15, I started the serious tutoring. Out came the earbuds every few car rides and he was to eagle eye everything I was doing and describe it. After one of these exercises, he remarked that it was hard to be so aware and alert. I told him he was right, it takes every bit of concentration and focus each time he gets behind the wheel. Because every time he turns the key in the ignition, he is taking his life and the lives of others in his literal hands. He learned to be careful in parking lots and watch for wandering little ones, and that if you see a ball roll in the street, kids will follow. If you see one kid on a bike, chances are there's another one coming. He learned not to let the car behind you ride your bumper and that you use turn signals before you turn - not while you are turning. And most important to me, he learned to start every single drive with a prayer.

In my thinking, just because a kid attains the legal age to obtain a permit does not mean that they automatically have the right to one. Before any child of mine slips behind the wheel, they have to prove they are teachable and that they listen. If they don't demonstrate that, they aren't going to drive...yet. I've heard parents say "No B's, no keys" and focus on academic performance before letting their kids drive. To me, it's the character of the person - not the GPA - that matters most. If they aren't listening to you at home, they aren't gonna listen to you saying from the passenger seat "slow down" or "watch out". You don't need to place your life in jeopardy in order to teach your willful teen to drive. So, wait until they have six months of consistent listening under their belts. If they still won't listen, remember you do not owe them a license - not like this. Let them wait until they are 18 if you have to. Then they can pay for all of it themselves.

If you are the parent who waits to observe evidence of maturity, kudos! You are protecting others as well. And so what if you have drive them around more in the meantime? Your momentary inconvenience is teaching a lifetime lesson. Driving is a privilege, not a right.

Speaking of privileges, I would not let my kids get their licenses until they had enough money to consistently pay for their car insurance and gas. My thinking: until they can pay the minimum, they can get rides. When they are out on their own, they will need to handle everything financial about the car they drive. This is the time - while they live safely with you who loves them - to introduce and enforce this adult-real-life concept. Don't make it easy for them, this is a huge responsibility.

If your kid demonstrates negligence, irresponsibility or carelessness, take away access to the keys. Especially if they are making life h*ll at home. I knew a mom who proudly told me her disobeying, lying kid was grounded from driving - except for going to and from school, his job and youth group. Grounded from what, then? That self-described perfect mom replied that she wasn't about to start driving him everywhere. The result? Ongoing arrogance from a kid who got their way. And another one of those dreaded drivers out there. I knew another mom who felt guilty if she drew the line and didn't let her kid get his license. He bullied her into it. Now there's a disrespectful, angry kid driving around. Mom didn't listen to me when I stated "please don't arm him - a car is a weapon". So I told her that I hope her kid never drives near my family, thank you very much.

When our girl was learning to drive, we lived in a state with strict driving laws. Once licensed, teens had to drive for an entire year alone before they could have a passenger along. That legislation curtailed a huge percentage of teen driver deaths. When our second child learned to drive in another state, we kept that "law" as a guiding principle. You bet they shouldn't have other people in the car. Too many distractions. Focus on the road, everyone. Please.

This is one of the most seriously concrete milestones kids experience. As parents, let's be selective about when we allow it to happen. There's absolutely no rush to increase a level of responsibility if they aren't ready.

So Don't Take a Shower Then

There's a reason you can't find boy pajamas to buy anymore.

I'm a skill-teaching, non-nagging, responsibility-training mother. Since they could barely move, my objective has been to teach my kids to be in charge of themselves. That includes their thoughts, their bodies, and their stuff. They need to learn personal responsibility in every area of their lives by the time they graduate high school.

In a realistic way, my kids have been taught that those are their shoes, their teeth, their grades and their bodies. Translated, this means that they put on and tie their shoes - not me. They put their shoes where they belong - not me. They brush their teeth and floss - not me. I have my own teeth. They do their homework - not me. I'll certainly help when asked, but if they don't care about their grades I am not gonna do the caring for them. I was already in that grade and don't need to review.

Bet you're thinking "but what if they fail?" Then they fail. Don't stand in their way. They have to want to do well more than you want them to - otherwise they won't know how to manage life later on, they'll just wait for someone out there to step in and guide their elbow. If they don't care, they will experience the natural consequences of poor grades. Reality will teach them about tutors, detention, summer school or even repeating a class. It might not take more than a failed test or it might take a failed class. If you let your child handle their own work and stay out of trying to fix it or babysit, they probably won't be as inclined to fail again. Wouldn't you rather have them fail while they are minors under your influence - safe in a loving home - than in a dorm room or apartment later on? If you believe it takes your constant reminding or presence in order for your child to do their homework or anything else, you are doing them a disservice. Yes, it may get done. But for the wrong reasons.

The same goes with bathing. Talk to any mother of a second grader. She will tell you in exasperation about the dreaded daily arguments it takes to get her kid to bathe. If it's a boy, she will add with her nose pinched how he doesn't care what he wears and wants to sleep in his clothes. When I tell moms of younger kids about how I handled it, some unwisely and innocently prophesize that it won't happen in her house.

For those of you focused so intently on the choice of public attire and necessity for cleaning rituals here's a promise: that same smelly kid who fights you to do the unthinkable and take a shower and might even (gasp) sleep in their clothes will become a teen who spends so much time showering it raises your water bill. If it's a girl, she will try on at least six outfits each morning and throw the rejected ones in her dirty clothes hamper for you to wash. (But you won't because you taught her how to do her own laundry when she was 10). Yep. That same guy who wore his red shorts day and night one summer will become interested in his hair and good-looking shirts. That messy girl will spend extended time styling her hair and putting on makeup. These frustrating days of "are you kidding?" and "I don't want to" will evaporate. I sure hope you don't have to share your bathroom...

When our kids went through their smelly, non-bathing stages we didn't nag and we didn't fret. We would state that it would be good to take a shower. If they protested, we walked away and let them stink. For days. We watched hair get greasy and shrugged at the idea of them enjoying their unkemptness. But we did not repeat ourselves or refer in any way to their obvious need to bathe. We did not argue. Guess what? It didn't take too many instances of stinking up the classroom at school for them to realize the important concept of regular bathing. Today, both of them laugh heartily at their prior stubbornness to do such a basic thing.

Letting them stink did not cause any harm and eliminated another potential nag-topic or battle of wills. So what if they didn't wear pajamas when they slept? Does it really matter or is it your issue? So what if they wear the same thing again? I say save your energy for the really big battles, not these little ones. If you waste your "authority" arguing over a shower you won't have it when you need to address sexual purity or drugs later on. Every time you establish yourself as controlling and intolerant, the chance of your kid being open with you with what they are really thinking shrivels a bit more until it's gone. Would you feel comfortable sharing with someone like that? During your parenting season, you will need to make some tough decisions and your kids will need you to be a role model they can talk to. Please don't jeopardize that by overreacting to things that do not matter in the long run. Think beyond what you want or how you had to do it as a kid.

And that outfit they wore five days in a row? Great idea! I do that now myself. It's very convenient when you don't see the same people every day. Especially if it is one of your favorites.

The Other Manners Kids Should Learn By Age 9

Someone recently reposted a Parents Magazine article entitled "25 Manners Your Child Should Learn By Age 9" on Facebook. It was a pretty good list and covered lots of once-common but now altogether too-rare courtesies. Saying "please" and "thank you" and sitting still during a boring recital were a couple. The entire list could be summarized by teaching children to respect other people. That being said, here are a few more from me to add to the list.

- In North America, when walking somewhere in public - the street, Target, the mall - stay on the right side of the road/aisle/hall. If you are walking in a group, pair up and do not take over the entire sidewalk. If you need to pass slower walkers, politely step up your pace. Do not act as if they were a car and "ride their bumper."

- If you see someone you know as you are getting off an escalator or exiting an elevator or are in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store, do not stop and block the other passengers/shoppers in order to have your reunion. Move aside so that others can pass before you begin reminscing.

- Do not eat in front of guests unless you plan to feed them, too. If you don't have enough to offer them, wait until later or change to something you can share.

- When you are standing in line with other people, be mindful of their body space. Imagine a bubble the size of a hula hoop and stand that far behind them. If you can see inside someone else's wallet, you are too close.

- It never hurts to ask "what else can I do?" when cleaning up. If this carries over to your first job, you will be considered a more valuable employee.

- Along the cleaning lines - if you are going into another room, see what you can take with you. Don't go empty-handed. Even if it isn't something you left out, it is going to help the household get organized.  After all, parents are always putting stuff they didn't use back where it belongs.

- Never leave someone else stranded on the toilet without toilet paper. If you can see that the roll is getting low, place another roll next to it before you leave. If you take the last piece of paper, toss away the empty roll and put another one on the roller.

- Shake hands and look the person in the eye. A nice grip and one shake will do it. Say hello and introduce yourself. If you already know them, ask them how they are or tell them it is good to see them again.

- If you are in a bad mood, don't take it out on other people in public. Be polite to them - they haven't done anything. If they talk to you, look them in the eye and respond kindly. Your bad mood is not an excuse to treat another human poorly. This will become really important when you get your driver's license.

- It is never okay to hurt another person or creature, verbally or physically. If you see this going on, tell them to knock it off. Get an adult if necessary. Keeping quiet when you see something like this is like saying you agree with it. Use your voice.

- If you are talking to one person and someone you know walks up to join you, introduce them to your friend. Don't let someone stand there not knowing someone else. It is rude to leave the other person out. Also, don't talk about an event in front of someone if they weren't there or weren't invited. That is not only rude, it is hurtful.

- Put things back where you found them, then they will be there the next time you need them. If it does not belong to you and you have permission to use it, take excellent care of it and be prepared to replace it, otherwise don't use it. Wherever you are, treat things carefully. Just because the church crayons don't belong to you is no reason to break or throw them.

- If someone is mean to you, do not bother to be mean back to them. Then you are acting just like them instead of yourself. Don't let the way anyone behaves stop you from being who you are. When you are an adult and do more shopping you will run into a lot of grouchy cashiers that you can practice on.

- When you are out with your friends, be careful not to get so loud that other people can't enjoy themselves. You aren't the only ones using the space. Keep your volume down and don't take over. Also, take your trash to the garbage can - don't leave a mess where you were sitting. Just because your parents aren't sitting next to you doesn't mean you stop being polite.

- Remember that no person is more special than another. Just because you don't know their name does not mean they don't matter. Treat each person with value no matter what they look or smell like. The cool kids really aren't that cool - they are just other kids. No one is more important than another - they may make more goals or get good grades or have the newest iPad - but they aren't any better or worse. If you keep this in mind, you will save yourself a lot of high school drama and become a good neighbor one day. Sadly, this is one manner many adults fail at. Decide ahead of time to value all people.

These are all things that adults can work on, too. Just remember, you aren't the only person on the planet. That's a good thing.

The Santa "Club"

I'm not talking membership, I'm talking that thing Fred Flintstone used to swing -- only invisible. The "club" parents use to reinforce their points. The thing they hold over their kids. That club.

We take small children barely comfortable with some close friends or relatives, dress them in their cutest outfits drag them to the mall and force them on the lap of a fake fat guy they've never even met. He says words not common in their everyday vocabulary like "Ho ho". At the same time educators and community volunteers are taught never to touch children, much less allow them on their laps. Side-hugs only people. Hello background checks. Yet in the name of that picture with Santa, we abandon all security measures and force a terrified toddler to climb on this stranger's lap and pretend it's okay. Teenage girls costumed as elves stand nearby jingling bells and waving feathers in order to distract the tears and catch that great photo op between frightened sobs. You can get your precious photo in about a minute and turn it into a coffee cup or t-shirt. If you are lucky, a proud mother with matching kid outfits will be sneering nearby because her darlings aren't afraid of strangers. Ooops. I mean Santa.

The crowning glory is when mall Santa looks down at the poor kid and then asks if they have "been good". Good? You know. Perfectly compliant. Doing everything parents want without so much as a blink. We all know what will happen if a child has not been "good" all year. It's terrible. Ever met someone who actually received a lump of coal? Most kids - even underprivileged ones - receive actual presents "from Santa".

Parents can add to their threats about "telling Santa" with the Elf on the Shelf. Introduced just a few years ago, this cute doll can be dressed as a girl or boy elf. Parents hide it around the house every night and kids wake up to see what hi-jinx Elfie has been into overnight. Most important: Elf reports in to Santa about kid behavior. So now there are two ways Santa can know everything.

At the risk of sounding like a scrooge, I submit it's all in the name of bribing children to "behave" and thus earn a present. It has nothing to do with actually impacting lifelong character.

Do we really want our kids doing things just to get a goodie? They aren't dogs. Every time I hear about a school teacher, piano instructor, Sunday School class or community program that rewards kids with pieces of candy, I cringe. If we teach our kids to perform for the sake of the reward without also teaching the moral equivalent, we have failed.

Yes, failed. That means your kids will do the "right thing" only for the goodie. Woof. Once the goodies are gone or your back is turned, they will be lost. Lost.

Is that what you want - a kid who looks good on the outside in front of your audience only when rewarded? Or, one that knows the difference and makes good choices on their own even when you aren't there to toss out a Hershey's Kiss?

How about for next year, parents employ Santa or Elf for fun and actually teach what it means to really "behave" and why? Resist the urge to use anything as a good behavior club. Those are empty threats anyway. Teach kids that presents are gifts, not rewards.Teach kids that sometimes we do things without expecting anything in return. That one sure is a head turner. Doing something just to do it? And actually trying to be good at it? Woa.

If we don't stop tossing out the rewards without substance, we'll deliver another  generation of young adults missing a moral compass only thinking about what subjectively adds to their lives. For more information on this, Netflix one of the versions of Stepford Wives or any other flick where things and prestige are more valued than character. Wait. You can just go out your front door, it's America without core values now.

Lunch With a Drill Sergeant

It's just a couple days before Christmas and I stopped to pick up some stocking stuffferes and meet a friend for a mocha. Thank you, Target for having Starbucks. I am not a fan of having to share the cafe with all the pizza from the food area but this will do in a pinch.

I picked a table off to the side and manoevered my cart through empty, salty tables. Just as I sat down, five little kids clad in warm winter wear clamored their way near my table. "Let's get this one!" cried the oldest (all of maybe seven). The others followed his lead, dragging chairs and settling in behind me til the dad appeared.

Apparently they are waiting for some hot food to be prepared to complete the meal and he only brought their sodas. "Don't throw it on the floor!" Scolded dad.

Scuffling chair scraping.

"I spilled my pop. I spilled my pop. I spilled my pop." Chirped a little one while dad was giving seating directions.

"Where is our food???" "We just ordered, they're making it."

"Sit on your butt."

"Butt, butt."

"Stop it."

"Take your jacket off."

"Stop it."

"You eat your sauce."

"Don't touch."

"Chew it."

"Be nice."

When dad left them again presumabley to get the food, an arguement erupted as the same brother told to be nice began ordering a little sister to "get off my world" over and over. "No! No!"shrieked little sister as she clenched a handheld game. "Get OFF my world!"

Dad came back and began to negotiate. "Stop talking or I'll put you bed. How bout this? She's not in your world." His was not confident and by his tone you could tell he cajoled often. When the kids disagreed with his world-deal, he began, "honey, honey" trying to quell emotions.

The rest of their meal was accompanied by kid whines and more parental pleads.

Across the seating area at the counter in front of me I hear:

"I don't know, I just know I didn't do it." Giggled another child sitting next to her father.  He only had three kids with him and was laid-back and grinning. I watched him tenderly sweep hair off the face of one of his girls and tell them what they were going to go get mom after this. He followed by asking open questions that all three piped up to answer. They were conversing. Not once did he 'have' to tell his wigglers to do a thing. Yes they were spinning on the stools as they ate, but wouldn't you if you were eight? They statyed put and were fully engaged with their father.

Okay, so the gang of five had more little people but this illustrates two parenting extremes. (Right next to my quiet table.) One parent reacted and lacked authority in his kids' eyes. The other parent guided the activity and had full authority. His used his position confidently but loosely. The other one merely threw out commands hoping they'd stick. The kids at his table were not having fun, they were merely being herded. The other kids were giggling and enjoying some time with dad.

Two fathers. Two extremes. Which one's kids are going to have a fond memory about the day they went Christmas shopping with dad and stopped for lunch?

Blame it on "Affluenza"

Have you heard the horror story about the 16-year-old boy from Texas arrested for DUI? He was well over the legal limit - not to mention under age - when he plowed into a group of people going 30 mph over the limit killing 4 and injuring 7. The judge sentenced him to ten year's probation but a year prior threw the book at a younger drunk driver. The difference is that this is the last year on the bench for the judge coupled with the defense that the child suffered from "affluenza" (affluence) and did not know the consequences of his actions. That unbelieveable statement was accepted in a court of law and the excuse isn't even a real word.

This kid not only didn't "know how to process", he had access to alcholol and a vehicle. (My kids learned that driving was a privilege, not a right and turning any age number did not qualify them as a driving candidate. It's their character that counts first.) Who lets someone that unaware get behind the wheel of a car and encounter the lives of many other innocent people??

Apparently, this rich kid's parents did. The attorney they hired to get him off even invented a new word and convinced a judge that it's crippling to have money which therefore made this poor kid unable to comprehend consequences of his actions. Affluenza.

Oh really. He's unable to realize what happens next?

Did this kid understand the "consequences" of his new haircut or clothes? That eating takes away hunger pains? Or inserting his parents' ATM card churns out a bunch of green? What about slapping a mosquito as it bites your leg?

Oh he knew what "consequences" were alright - just not ones that don't spare him from reality. He was pampered and coddled and protected from just about anything a non-rich kid who is better parented experiences.

To further protect this unfazed boy, the family hired some professional to deem him mentally only the age of  twelve. Oh really? Then why oh why was he allowed behind the wheel in the first place? 

Where is the parent public comment grieving over what their son caused? Where are their condolences to the victims and families? And what about their 12/16-year-old's apology? Do they even care about the lives lost or destroyed since they prevailed in court?

Just because a court has made a ruling does not mean justice has been served and this case is the perfect illustration. It only points more sharply to parenting without conscience. Yes, the boy committed the act, but his parents gave him the support in order to behave the way he did. Oh yes they did.

They "supported" him by the actions they did or did not take. By being too busy to parent, overlooking behaviors or paying for legal eagles to create a new word to defend their guilty son is indeed supporting him. Doing something, ignoring something or doing nothing are all actions. And this "action" in whatever form it took enabled their minor child to continue to think he is exempt from routine behaviors necessary to become a functional solid citizen in the world.

As a long-time child advocate, I am disgusted that parents poorly influenced their son before, during and after this trial. Worse yet, lives were lost! That is the real headline. Families and friends have been tragically impacted. Other victims suffered life-long injuries. The circle of influence for this one act has a huge radius that extends far into the future.

Not only does the causer of this horrible accident apparently have no moral conscience (remember, he has legally been declared to lack the ability to be aware of consequences), his parents, a judge and a defense lawyer have conspired to excuse him and sweep it under the rug.

Funny thing about reality though. You can't pretend it didn't happen.

Prayers for eyes to open and hearts to acknowledge what really happened and why. Most of all, that articulate excuses are no replacement for justice.

This is a huge scale example of what happens all the time on a smaller scale when parents fight kids' battles, argue with coaches, do their homework or cajole. If parents cared enough to equip their kids in the first place and not fix their failures, we wouldn't hear about these horror stories in the first place.

Mom, Mom, Mom, Mommy, Mommy

Are you familiar with the animated TV show Family Guy? I'm not. Just the commercial where little Stewie stands in a doorway saying "Mom. Mom. Mom. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mama. Mama." His irritated mother sighs, "What?"

"Hi." That's all he wanted to say. Just hi. But he hammered away to get her attention first.

Most of us have probably felt exhausted from similar demands from our smaller kids. I know that's why I laugh at this commercial now. In fact my senior son and I have turned it into a joke.

Have you ever been at a friend's house engaged in a serious conversation when one of their kids trots into the room and asks for something? Perhaps even something they could do for themselves. "May I eat a carrot?" "Can I go to the bathroom?" "Will you pour me some water?" Anything like these I say they should be able to do for themselves. But I've seen the mom go get that carrot, interrupting the synch of our conversation at the same time scolding that kid she is talking with another adult.

What about when a sibling tumbles in and says the other one won't let them play the Wii? Or tattles about the mean face that was made? The mom marches to the foot of the stairs and calls out for all the kids to play nice, then returns to you with a sigh. A few minutes later both of these scenarios are repeated only this time it's too close to dinner so absolutely no snack. As they pour their own water, the mom says to you "Just a sec - Hey!! Don't spill on my clean floor!" then returns to the disjointed conversation.

Some moms can tell the future so they lecture ahead of time. You are on the phone this time and she pulls away to tell the kids they had better not drop those towels on the floor like the last time. Or, they see their kid doing a craft and have to tell them this very minute that the glue should be dotted like this instead.

All the while, you are waiting patiently to continue the conversation but by now you have lost your train of thought. The mom complains about how needy her kids are and how she can't get much done because of them.

She doesn't realize she has created all of this by the way they micromanage or hover. I like to call it helicopter  parenting. Always there, aware of everything going on and ready to direct, fix or opine. It's one of the worst things we can do as parents. Offering to guide and narrate everything going on in the house - or in their lives. When will it be okay for these kids to begin to make their own decisions? Are they going to wait until driver's ed class?

Start with the little things and build. Tell your kids they can play the Wii for whatever period of time you pick and that they have to work out their own turns. Then step out of it and go do something else. If one of them comes to tell on the other, calmly turn off the game. Repeat each time until they get the idea that their time with the Wii is their time - not yours to supervise. I believe kids as young as 5 should learn how to pour water and get simple snacks. Rather than teaching them to ask mother bird for every worm, establish guidelines where they have the freedom to serve themselves according to your household rules. If they don't follow, they don't get to do it next time.

Most moms will agree that as soon as they begin talking on the phone or visiting with another adult, their kids flock to their side suddenly in dire need to say something. Here's a simple "Interruption Technique" I like to teach. When your child has something to say, they come and stand quietly next to you and tap you gently on the arm, and wait. You continue to talk, but tap your child back on their arm. The "code" you just used without saying a thing was that he has something to say and you are  acknowledging him, and when you are done with your sentence he will be addressed. Kids love hearing they get to have a code with you! And if you are upbeat when you teach this, they'll follow. Tell them how great they are doing and you've just nipped a major chunk of interruptions out of your future.

Survivor Parenting

Are you a parent going through a crisis? You and your kids have stared horror in the face. At first you learned to put one foot in front of the other and a pot of dinner on the table.  You watched yourself go through the motions. Then reality and adrenaline hit and you went into survivor mode - doing everything a fierce parent-bear would do to protect their cubs. You and your kids bonded while learning to fight the battle and survive the war. You are survivors!

This is a toughie. Those of us who once navigated terror have come out on the other side, shaking off the dust or the water beads. We have traveled to hell and back, clung to each other and prayed fervently. I often refer to this as having crawled under the barbed wire together.

At some point, the active horror ends. What do we do then with our "escapee-survivor" relationships? How do we move on and leave this terror as a dot in the rearview mirror?

I've met two kinds of  "escapee-survivors". The sad kind that continue to live and define themselves by reliving it and giving it space in their mind and heart, and the amazing kind who survived a prison camp but you wouldn't know it by the lives they lead. Then of course, I've met those who misuse the word "crisis" and apply it to something polar opposite such as a messy bathroom while pregnant. One woman was "in crisis" and couldn't cook dinner. When the church meal brigade stopped over with an entire dinner for the family, she was out getting a manicure. These people I run from, but I will sit by the side of anyone wanting to work through and conquer any day.

So just how do we go from the horror to moving ahead without wrecking our kids?

First of all, recognize that this will take some time to fully accept and process. You may have some forgiving to do, too. Just because it will take time doesn't mean you can't make steps. One of those should be to the office of a qualified counselor. Find someone with experience in your area of need and be aware that this crisis may trigger other issues. A good counselor will help you identify and manage your triggers. Your children may need counseling, too. Again, find one experienced in the area they need help. Don't be shy about asking questions on the phone.

Second, take care of yourself. Bubble baths, warm showers, naps. And if you're a girl, sure why not get a manicure? (Just don't tell the church you can't cook dinner.) The point is to treat yourself kindly. You need your strength, whatever it is, to deal with the kids. Do not put yourself in social positions that could add to your pain. Getting divorced? Don't feel obligated to attend a wedding. Limit what you read or watch to things that won't remind you of your crisis. In short, be careful. The more self care you provide, you will be able to parent in a calmer manner.

Third, watch who you confide in. You do not need many confidants. Recently I met a mom in a really tough situation so I was giving her support - until I found out she had 7 others on her chat list. Then I told her to reign in select carefully. You do not need to hear yourself repeating sad or bad things over and over. And not everyone can support you. The best crisis advice I received was from two good friends who came to me and told me they would be my PR. So instead of answering mail, messages and the door - they took over and filtered for me. They gave out just the right amount of information for my privacy and shouldered my burden. My load felt so much lighter and my days were not as heavy.

Fourth, return the household to consistent operations as quickly as possible. Kids are most secure with schedules and expectations made clear. With everything that is going on, they need to know that comfort now more than ever. Even if you have changed your living arrangements, you can still eat at the same time and have that bedtime story. This will be soothing for you, too.

Fifth, resist the temptation to confide in your kids or rely on them to take an adult's place. They are still kids even though what they have seen and experienced is beyond what you would ever want them to know. As much as you want to have fun with them - and you should - they are not your friends.  They need you to be the adult. They want the hierarchy in place - don't take it away from them. You don't need to give more information than is age appropriate for them to handle.

Finally, picture your lives moving along out loud. Envision what the rebuilt home will look like. Talk about positive things. You don't want to act as if the crisis never happened, but you do not need to relive it daily either. I've met both extremes and neither is healthy. Find the healthy balance and stay in that zone.

Never estimate the power of a grunted prayer. You may be so broken that's all you can get out. You may not have the words to share with God, but God is still God. The good news is that he is beyond our words and is right there with you amidst the grunts and swollen eyes crying on the bedroom floor. The more you pray as you go through and move past, the more trust you will have and the more you will be reminded that the Creator of the Universe truly has you in the palm of his hand - all the time.

My prayer for any reader in crisis is that one day, it will become a speck in your rearview mirror and you too can encourage others.

Conquering Morning Mayhem

I dream of mornings that unveil a day where time moves slowly and everything is smooth and orderly. In order to pretend I had such a start to my day when my kids were little, I would do as much as possible ahead of time the night before so we could think we were waltzing - not rushing - out the door. Despite my best efforts, most mornings offered unexpected detours that cooled our zen.

Lost keys, dog poop or the discovery that what I'd chosen to wear had an obvious stain were just some of the "opportunities" to overcome in the dash to exit on time. We dealt with it and lived through it. With each birthday things got smoother... But remember with kids 10 years apart, that took longer. On the other hand, with that big age gap, at least I was only helping one kid at a time put on their shoes and adjust that sock so it didn't bug them.

My morning mayhem stories are mostly worth a chuckle, and that mayhem is now part of history. We made it through! But what if you have a special needs child on top of the routines requiring parental intervention and supervision? This season is not going to fade away on any predictable timeline, but you can set up some routines that can help your child and your family manage.

If your family is struggling, here are some pointers that work:

First of all, limit the household activity to the goal of getting up and out on time. Don't add extra people or tasks. Parents with special needs kids don't need to supervise sibling piano practice or friends waiting for the bus.

Siblings should get set up to leave the night before. Shower. Pack the backpack, sign the parent permission slip, make the lunch and put it in the fridge. Lay out tomorrow's outfit. Kids as young as 5 can help butter their bread or put fruit in the lunchbox.

Share in the task of getting breakfast ready for the family. Older siblings can set the table and put out cereal and fruit. If you are really brave, pick a day a week to serve a hot meal with similar help. Teach everyone to rinse their dishes when they are done. At least leave the breakfast table cleared.

For any child who is more anxious, the more consistent the routine, the better. Children like to know what to expect. It provides security.

Something I recently introduced is a hands-on morning management technique. The parent picked just two things to focus on for the special needs child. I made them a "Feed the Fish" poster with a colorful, textured fish they could "feed" each time the child accomplished those two things. This child happens to love cereal, so I went online and printed out a bunch of real cereal box images and then laminated them as playing cards. Each morning the parent sees the child doing one of the two goals, he gets to feed the fish a box of cereal. At the end of the week, the boxes are counted up and a small reward is given.

I love this technique because it is reusable. You can adjust your goals after mastery. The key to any reward system is that the parents remain consistent. You can't be too tired or distracted one day because your child is building momentum. One missed morning to you may be no big deal, but may cause a setback for your child.

As always, resist the urge to narrate or offer lengthy reasoning. Get a vaccination to prevent this atrocity. Do not reply to sass. Keep restating what needs to happen like a broken record if need be. And whatever you do, don't let them see you lose your cool. (It's Academy Award time!)

Finally, enlist the cheers from the rest of the family. Sibling praises for the work of a special needs  child speak volumes. I think only the parent should hand out the cereal, though. That is the person the kids need to respect and listen to the most.

Whatever you do, don't rush or overcrowd what you are trying to teach. One thing taught and mastered without confusion is much more valuable than attempts to hit a number of things at once. Enthusiastically praise. Make a big deal and look your child in the eyes as you say "Way to go!" or "You did it!!" or "Thank you!!"  Sometimes, I like to affirm "I knew you could do that!"

I hope this inspires you in making routines fun for your family!

Are You Fully Present?

In one episode of the classic sitcom I Love Lucy, Ricky was reading the newspaper at the breakfast table mumbling "Yes dear" to each of Lucy's attempts at conversation. This scene has been reenacted in other programs, movies and comic strips - the wife is ignored by her distracted husband. He was not fully present. It is supposed to be funny.

Today anyone can avoid being fully present if they have a smart phone. We can use the time waiting in line to check for email or snoop on Facebook. The 30 minute oil change flies by when we read or watch the news on our phone. While watching a cable movie, we can Google IMDb and solve the mystery of who that one actor in the back is. There are indeed many benefits to the device that fits in the palm of our hand. Did you know there is more technology in an iPhone than in the first craft to land on the moon in 1968?

Maybe we have it too good? As a seasoned family coach, pastor and child advocate I am always observing how families relate to one another in public. It is a switch that knows no "off" setting. Toddlers in grocery carts will stretch their necks to send me a grin and of course I return that blessing. Worried parents will look down and wonder why the smile fest with a stranger.

Most of the time when I see families out in public where they are waiting in line or sitting in the Target cafe eating pizza, the parents are not really there. Oh sure, their bodies are there, but their minds are not. They are either scrolling on their smart phone touch screen or talking to someone on the phone. The kids are left to chew to themselves and look around. Funny, don't the parents realize that their kids hear every word? Just because the conversation isn't directed at them doesn't mean they aren't listening, comprehending or remembering.

The kids are learning what is being unintentionally taught: mom has other things to do, they aren't important enough to focus on, meal time is a function not requiring interaction. You get the idea. Remember, what is projected as normal is what kids think of as normal. Example: I have met adults who never celebrated Valentine's Day growing up so it has no meaning for them. Then they marry someone who has a huge value attached. Feelings are hurt until both come to realize what they had "learned" growing up. I hope all the kids sitting next to a parent so occupied by a smart phone today don't pass this on to their families. We need people to know how to be with one another.

Once I saw a mom eating with her three boys in the Target cafe. She made sure to engage each child in a lively lunchtime conversation. The boys' body language was alert and everyone was making eye contact. No one hung their head out of boredom. You could hear laughter as they enjoyed one another. As they all cleaned up after themselves (thoughtful, too!) I approached the mom. I just had to tell her she had made my day by being so engaged with her sons. She grinned appreciatively, but you could tell this was something she did all the time, not something she did intermittently.

I read a blog recently that asked the question: Are you taking pictures of your kids on Instagram to post in place of actually being with them? Very good thought. We can "post" our way through our days so easily now.

Let's be sure when we are at the park, we are at the park. When we are at the table, we are at the table. Don't let an "important" call or email intrude on your family time. In 20 years, the ones who called/texted/FB'd/emailed/etc will not remember their interruptions, but your kids will remember if you were "there" or not.

Leaving No Stone Unturned

One of my driving forces is that when something needs to happen, I exhaust the possibilities with research beyond what it would normally take. After all, I have to accomplish this thing. I don't do one thing and wait, I do a number of things and keep going until I unearth the answer or achieve the goal.

Simple Example: when we were moving back to the Minneapolis area a few months ago and looking for a rental home, I did the usual Craigslist and online searches. Then I emailed friends I knew were connected to real estate. I even went on Face Book. Guess what? It was the FB post that landed us our home.

When both my kids were little, I asked them each the following question: You are on an important journey that takes you on a long path through a forrest. As you walk along, suddenly you come upon a HUGE boulder as big as our house! It is blocking the path. What do you do? The answer I prayed not to hear was something like "sit down and wait for help" or "turn around". Thankfully, both of my kids indicated different tactics they would take to get past the boulder and continue on the journey.

Okay you might be saying, that is nice story but what about in real life? Would they still get past that boulder? I am happy to report a resounding yes.

Just the other day my second born had his real life "boulder" experience at school. He was taking his fourth high school lab science class and didn't think he would need it for graduation and wanted to drop it as it was an elective. He went to the counselor who did not know if all of the other three counted as lab science. He went to the current teacher who didn't know, either. He emailed the university he wants to apply to and asked them. Knowing he was not going to get an answer right away, we sought out the teacher of the prior science class in question who told him it indeed counted. There was not another thing he could have done to cover all his bases. After a few days he was able to drop the course - he only had to wait a little while. But he could rest during his waiting knowing that he had done as much as he could to unearth the answer he needed. He was prepared to continue the class if need be, but was thrilled he did not have to.

I didn't know anything about the details until he got home from school that day. All I knew was that he was going to try and drop the class if he had all the necessary credits. He took over and got the answers - he didn't just walk up to one person and stop there. My respect for him has soared!

The other day I got the confirmation that he has that even-keeled determination and critical thinking to handle situations even when the facts say otherwise. He does not need to be told how to think things through by another entity. He will not be blindly lead or swallow everything up front as if it is a truth.

Hallelujah I've got two of these!!!

So, Do You Think He Likes Me?

This is a heartbreaking story about an innocent 6th grade girl well-loved and intentionally parented by  a highly degreed mother and father. She lived in a fine neighborhood, had already been taught to volunteer, and was an excellent student. She had been exposed to art, travel and had a number of hobbies designed to put her ahead of other college candidates one day.

She was a sweet girl who assertively sold wrapping paper for her school's fundraiser, made great conversation with adults and was set up for success. One weekend, she eagerly accepted an invitation to a middle school party only to find out parents weren't visible even though she and her mother had been told otherwise. She was the last one anyone would think would end up drinking and having intercourse with a boy she had never met before. After the party, her only concern was wondering if the boy liked her.

A mere child just old enough to babysit ignorantly gave up her virginity and possibly exposed herself to how many STDs and her only question was,"Do you think he likes me?"

Boom! This epitomizes the gender difference between young adolescents. Girls are thinking about skipping through the English Garden, linen dress billowing in the gentle breeze strolling hand-in-hand with a pimple-less lad reciting poetry as they sip lemonade. Most teen guys are testosterone-driven thinking mainly about how they can "get some". This precious girl wasn't prepared for that and allowed the ultimate act to be performed on her, and did not comprehend what she had done.

This story illustrates the fact that young teens are still concrete thinkers, unable to process thoughts and experiences in the manner adults do. She didn't even understand the long-term ramifications because she wasn't supposed to be having intercourse yet. As parents and caregivers, it is our moral responsibility to prepare our children for unexpected sexual situations and coach them about what it means (and doesn't mean) and how to safely leave the situation without compromising their purity.

Popular Christian parenting curriculum the past 18 years centers around having a purity weekend with a parent of the same sex honoring the new 13-year-old. All kinds of materials, information and scripture is discussed. At the close of the weekend, the new teen receives some sort of symbol (a ring, a necklace, a bracelet) that they can wear until their wedding one day. They have made a covenant between themselves and God.

While I applaud the weekend idea, I think it is far too late to wait until age 13 to bring up many of the details regarding purity. Remember, the girl in this story was barely 12. Her parents were so busy trying to cover all the opportunities and education, they overlooked training about her body or surprise sexual and social situations. She was intelligent and level-headed, so they didn't have a worry.

From the time my kids could talk, I have told them that their body belongs only to them and that no one should touch them if they don't want them to. (That includes those forced hugs from relatives that makes kids squirm.) No one should ever  touch them on body parts covered by a swimsuit much less see them. Only doctors in the doctor's office were allowed to see or touch their bodies there, and only for an examination. One day when they were grown up, their husband or wife would be able to love and touch them anywhere they wanted. But while they are growing up, that is not safe. I also taught them to tell me if any other child or adult tried to touch them.

I am glad I had this talk, because my five-year-old son was able to tell me about the 10-year-old boy in the summer day camp bathroom who wanted to examine him. If he had not been pre-armed to be aware (not scared - just aware), who knows what might have happened?

Having these sensitive conversations should include age-appropriate content (at attention-span length) and should always be conducted calmly and couched with parental concern for the child's well-being. In later elementary years, purity can also be introduced. Caveat: In no way is this about the popular word "shame". We do not want our children to be ashamed of their bodies, but to understand how special their bodies are and that they are created in God's image. Therefore, they should treat their bodies accordingly and allow things at the appropriate time in life. They are the only ones in charge of their bodies.

What happened to the girl? She told her mom who promptly took her for a medical exam. The mom called the host parents. They had more in-depth conversations after that and were more cautious. She continued to excel in all areas of talent and grew up to be a healthy young woman. But no one could take back that one night when she lost her innocense.

I Didn't Treat My Kids The Same

Ever meet a family and wonder how one kid looks or acts nothing like anybody else? I love to look at features and movements and note familial similarities. Sometimes while walking behind a father and son as they enter Target I'll grin because they walk the same way or swing their arms the same. Once I saw a worried mother with her baby daughter in the cart with the exact same worried expression!

Most parents would say they tried to treat their children the same. If Tommy got a treat, so did Susie. It's only fair. If big sis gets her ears pierced at age 10, so will little sis. They all get to go to camp.

In my case I didn't treat my children the same for several reasons and in this order:
1. They were born 10 years apart
2. They had different temperaments
3. They were different genders
4. Our family situation was financially different each time

First-born daughter loved books from the moment she could sit up and hold a board book. She didn't want to be held and being sent to her room was paradise. There she could do her arts and crafts, draw or write. She read through the entire World Book Encyclopedia, one book at a time and remembered almost everything she ever read. School was important to her and so were her grades (for most of the time anyway).  Basketball was her love each year beginning in first grade.

She had a trust fund and wanted for nothing. Because of the trust, she was able to attend summer sleepover camps, including the prestigious Stanford Basketball Camp. She was able to purchase new wardrobes each school year as well as the class ring. She went to private schools and owned every piece of the uniform options. She had a cell phone and computer system rivaling most. She had great looking bedroom furniture. In addition, she went on several mission trips and vacations with high school friends. Thanks to her trust, she was able to apply to any college in the country and have all four years paid for. Anything we did as a family came out of the family coffers, not the trust. We lived in the same house through middle school and high school and enjoyed decorating and remodeling it.

Ten years later along came our son. I think the doctors blew the due date and induced him too early because he was smaller than a premie, jaundiced and screaming for weeks. When he finally hit 6 weeks old, the screaming stopped but he always wanted to be held. All the time. His favorite toys were rubbery, small and squishy. He was too impatient for books, although we could get through at least a bedtime story if we skipped some pages. He wanted to know how things worked. When he was 18 months old, we gave him a hammer and he went around our old deck hammering in nails. He was thrilled with parks, climbing towers and trees. School was and is a torture to be endured. In third grade all he brought home were pictures of dragons and monsters he drew during class. I worried that he didn't know how to draw people. If you sent him to his room he was mortified to be away from people. He tried a number of team sports but fell in love with skiing and going fast even more.

We lost our home and went bankrupt when he was 11 and I lost my job. Over the next few years we down sized, down sized and down sized again. We have sold or given away more stuff than we have. We weren't rich and we weren't hoarders, but all you need is a box or two of grandma's quilts and mom's china to start a pile. Not counting our home, we have moved 4 times in the past 5 years. The familiar homestead does not exist for our son. For him, the only thing familiar are the people. He got his furniture one piece at a time spread out over years. At one point, I noticed his feet looked too small for his 12-year old height and suggested we go buy a new pair of shoes. He had been curling his toes in order to spare us the shoe expense. The new pair I forced on him were 2 sizes bigger!

What a time to suffer financial hardship for a kid entering the expensive teen years. But as I reflect on it, it turned out to be a blessing. When things went south for us it was happening to a number of other families, too. When I would chat with worried mothers fretting about what they could no longer buy for their kids, I tried to get them to focus on the relationships first. Not that I liked counting every single penny but not having stuff wasn't as important as our relationships and our health.

We had to learn to wait for anything that wasn't going directly on the table. Even liquid hand pump soap became a luxury. We litterally saved our change for extras.  We learned together how to find the meat on sale and going to a movie became a very big deal. In short, we learned to appreciate the simple things and drew close in this quest. Here I thought we had been simple all along. But we went from buying Valentine's cards and gifts to making a special meal. We started a new family tradition.

Not only have I learned my children's temperments and love languages, I have learned to navigate life's challenges along with them. One thing that is the same is that they have been shown how to grow through trials and forge ahead.

Mom on Strike

 

I love to tell this true story.

There was a mom of two kids, ten years apart in age. She was also a wife and worked full-time and was taking graduate classes. Her full time job included a lot of  "on call" activities that could not be predicted. In addition to these roles,  she spent a minimum of 3 hours each day driving her kids to and from school in stop and go traffic. We all know that is simply a cue to pull your hair out, especially with the youngest one kicking at the back of the driver's seat and there is nothing you can do about it right then except take a deep breath.

Well this mom was making sure there was food in the refrigerator and on the table, doing the laundry and leading the call to arms regarding basic housekeeping. She was even beginning to experiment with recipes besides casseroles.

Day after day she tried her best to provide her family with clean surroundings, fresh food and guidance while supporting their diverse needs. One day, she had had enough of the lack of help and appreciation from them. She was tired of wiping down the kitchen counter again after someone else when she always left things clean.

"I'm done," she told her family. "I am going on strike. I don't feel that you guys appreciate what I do for you so from now on, I'm not going to do anything. Have at it." At first the eldest and the husband thought she was just on a mini rant and soon she'd be back. She just had to be kidding.

This mom kept her word. She made sure that the youngest was fed and his laundry done, but that was it.  She ate what she wanted, when she wanted and retreated at night to study or watch a decorating show. She was pleasant when she encountered her family members, but she did nothing for them. She didn't do anything against them either. She let go of her mental picture of how tidy things needed to be and even left her own dishes in the sink at times.

The strike lasted 6 months.

That mom was me. After a season, I didn't need to stay on strike. My family had learned what I did for them and I had relaxed from the stress of being my own wife. They learned to appreciate me and I learned I had been doing too much. I did not regret the decisions to start or end the strike. It had been worth it.

Fast forward a dozen years. Everyone pitches in now. Any one of us can flip a load of laundry or put the dishes away. Any one of us can take the full can of trash out without being prompted. And we all say thank you to who ever made dinner or cooked the eggs. And sometimes, just because, we leave the dishes in the sink overnight. Why not? It won't hurt anyone.

I Didn't Know It Would Be The Last Time

A collection of thoughts from a mother in the throes of realizing that when her youngest goes to boot camp before his senior year in high school, a whole new phase has already begun. 17 years went by far too fast.

My Son, I didn't know it would be the last time that:

-  We'd go to Starbucks and review homework while homeschooling (and you'd be more interested in the light shorting out than a history lesson)

-  You'd beg me for a second ride on the toy airplane ride mounted outside Wal Mart that wiggles for 3 minutes when you put two quarters in the slot

-  The lobster tank in the grocery meat department would fascinate you (and I'd have to pry you away)

-  You would call me Mommie

-  You slipped your hand in mine as we walked through a parking lot

-  Getting tucked in was part of your night time routine

-  You climbed on my lap and held on to the bend of my elbow for comfort

-  We bartered about the number of  items you could pick out while grocery shopping with me

-  You would play with your Legos and Bionicles

-  We couldn't leave Target without a visit to the Toy Department

- You would would be mesmerized by an outdoor fountain and stomp around through the spray

- I had to make you take a shower

- I would find a bouncy ball, small car and a rock in your pants pocket

- You would ask for yet another stretchy rubbery animal

- You would find my stapler and pound away on Post-It notes until it jammed or ran out

- You would have to sit in the back seat

- I would walk you through the parking lot and tell you to watch for cars

- You would be eager to take something apart (#gasgrill)

- Climbing a tree was your day's mission

- We had a thoughtful discussion about what you would bring for Show & Tell (I loved that you told a joke one time in first grade - "Mom, it's show and tell!!")

- The Scooby Do pillow would be on your bed

- You would ask if someone could "come over and play"


As you are learning this summer - it's the small things that make precious memories from home. These are some of the moments etched on my heart. I am so excited for what comes next and all the "firsts" just waiting for you. And for me. You've had about 100 in the past 7 weeks, and I love that the first time you got comedian Steven Wright's humor was in 7th grade!