Survivor Parenting

Are you a parent going through a crisis? You and your kids have stared horror in the face. At first you learned to put one foot in front of the other and a pot of dinner on the table.  You watched yourself go through the motions. Then reality and adrenaline hit and you went into survivor mode - doing everything a fierce parent-bear would do to protect their cubs. You and your kids bonded while learning to fight the battle and survive the war. You are survivors!

This is a toughie. Those of us who once navigated terror have come out on the other side, shaking off the dust or the water beads. We have traveled to hell and back, clung to each other and prayed fervently. I often refer to this as having crawled under the barbed wire together.

At some point, the active horror ends. What do we do then with our "escapee-survivor" relationships? How do we move on and leave this terror as a dot in the rearview mirror?

I've met two kinds of  "escapee-survivors". The sad kind that continue to live and define themselves by reliving it and giving it space in their mind and heart, and the amazing kind who survived a prison camp but you wouldn't know it by the lives they lead. Then of course, I've met those who misuse the word "crisis" and apply it to something polar opposite such as a messy bathroom while pregnant. One woman was "in crisis" and couldn't cook dinner. When the church meal brigade stopped over with an entire dinner for the family, she was out getting a manicure. These people I run from, but I will sit by the side of anyone wanting to work through and conquer any day.

So just how do we go from the horror to moving ahead without wrecking our kids?

First of all, recognize that this will take some time to fully accept and process. You may have some forgiving to do, too. Just because it will take time doesn't mean you can't make steps. One of those should be to the office of a qualified counselor. Find someone with experience in your area of need and be aware that this crisis may trigger other issues. A good counselor will help you identify and manage your triggers. Your children may need counseling, too. Again, find one experienced in the area they need help. Don't be shy about asking questions on the phone.

Second, take care of yourself. Bubble baths, warm showers, naps. And if you're a girl, sure why not get a manicure? (Just don't tell the church you can't cook dinner.) The point is to treat yourself kindly. You need your strength, whatever it is, to deal with the kids. Do not put yourself in social positions that could add to your pain. Getting divorced? Don't feel obligated to attend a wedding. Limit what you read or watch to things that won't remind you of your crisis. In short, be careful. The more self care you provide, you will be able to parent in a calmer manner.

Third, watch who you confide in. You do not need many confidants. Recently I met a mom in a really tough situation so I was giving her support - until I found out she had 7 others on her chat list. Then I told her to reign in select carefully. You do not need to hear yourself repeating sad or bad things over and over. And not everyone can support you. The best crisis advice I received was from two good friends who came to me and told me they would be my PR. So instead of answering mail, messages and the door - they took over and filtered for me. They gave out just the right amount of information for my privacy and shouldered my burden. My load felt so much lighter and my days were not as heavy.

Fourth, return the household to consistent operations as quickly as possible. Kids are most secure with schedules and expectations made clear. With everything that is going on, they need to know that comfort now more than ever. Even if you have changed your living arrangements, you can still eat at the same time and have that bedtime story. This will be soothing for you, too.

Fifth, resist the temptation to confide in your kids or rely on them to take an adult's place. They are still kids even though what they have seen and experienced is beyond what you would ever want them to know. As much as you want to have fun with them - and you should - they are not your friends.  They need you to be the adult. They want the hierarchy in place - don't take it away from them. You don't need to give more information than is age appropriate for them to handle.

Finally, picture your lives moving along out loud. Envision what the rebuilt home will look like. Talk about positive things. You don't want to act as if the crisis never happened, but you do not need to relive it daily either. I've met both extremes and neither is healthy. Find the healthy balance and stay in that zone.

Never estimate the power of a grunted prayer. You may be so broken that's all you can get out. You may not have the words to share with God, but God is still God. The good news is that he is beyond our words and is right there with you amidst the grunts and swollen eyes crying on the bedroom floor. The more you pray as you go through and move past, the more trust you will have and the more you will be reminded that the Creator of the Universe truly has you in the palm of his hand - all the time.

My prayer for any reader in crisis is that one day, it will become a speck in your rearview mirror and you too can encourage others.

I Didn't Treat My Kids The Same

Ever meet a family and wonder how one kid looks or acts nothing like anybody else? I love to look at features and movements and note familial similarities. Sometimes while walking behind a father and son as they enter Target I'll grin because they walk the same way or swing their arms the same. Once I saw a worried mother with her baby daughter in the cart with the exact same worried expression!

Most parents would say they tried to treat their children the same. If Tommy got a treat, so did Susie. It's only fair. If big sis gets her ears pierced at age 10, so will little sis. They all get to go to camp.

In my case I didn't treat my children the same for several reasons and in this order:
1. They were born 10 years apart
2. They had different temperaments
3. They were different genders
4. Our family situation was financially different each time

First-born daughter loved books from the moment she could sit up and hold a board book. She didn't want to be held and being sent to her room was paradise. There she could do her arts and crafts, draw or write. She read through the entire World Book Encyclopedia, one book at a time and remembered almost everything she ever read. School was important to her and so were her grades (for most of the time anyway).  Basketball was her love each year beginning in first grade.

She had a trust fund and wanted for nothing. Because of the trust, she was able to attend summer sleepover camps, including the prestigious Stanford Basketball Camp. She was able to purchase new wardrobes each school year as well as the class ring. She went to private schools and owned every piece of the uniform options. She had a cell phone and computer system rivaling most. She had great looking bedroom furniture. In addition, she went on several mission trips and vacations with high school friends. Thanks to her trust, she was able to apply to any college in the country and have all four years paid for. Anything we did as a family came out of the family coffers, not the trust. We lived in the same house through middle school and high school and enjoyed decorating and remodeling it.

Ten years later along came our son. I think the doctors blew the due date and induced him too early because he was smaller than a premie, jaundiced and screaming for weeks. When he finally hit 6 weeks old, the screaming stopped but he always wanted to be held. All the time. His favorite toys were rubbery, small and squishy. He was too impatient for books, although we could get through at least a bedtime story if we skipped some pages. He wanted to know how things worked. When he was 18 months old, we gave him a hammer and he went around our old deck hammering in nails. He was thrilled with parks, climbing towers and trees. School was and is a torture to be endured. In third grade all he brought home were pictures of dragons and monsters he drew during class. I worried that he didn't know how to draw people. If you sent him to his room he was mortified to be away from people. He tried a number of team sports but fell in love with skiing and going fast even more.

We lost our home and went bankrupt when he was 11 and I lost my job. Over the next few years we down sized, down sized and down sized again. We have sold or given away more stuff than we have. We weren't rich and we weren't hoarders, but all you need is a box or two of grandma's quilts and mom's china to start a pile. Not counting our home, we have moved 4 times in the past 5 years. The familiar homestead does not exist for our son. For him, the only thing familiar are the people. He got his furniture one piece at a time spread out over years. At one point, I noticed his feet looked too small for his 12-year old height and suggested we go buy a new pair of shoes. He had been curling his toes in order to spare us the shoe expense. The new pair I forced on him were 2 sizes bigger!

What a time to suffer financial hardship for a kid entering the expensive teen years. But as I reflect on it, it turned out to be a blessing. When things went south for us it was happening to a number of other families, too. When I would chat with worried mothers fretting about what they could no longer buy for their kids, I tried to get them to focus on the relationships first. Not that I liked counting every single penny but not having stuff wasn't as important as our relationships and our health.

We had to learn to wait for anything that wasn't going directly on the table. Even liquid hand pump soap became a luxury. We litterally saved our change for extras.  We learned together how to find the meat on sale and going to a movie became a very big deal. In short, we learned to appreciate the simple things and drew close in this quest. Here I thought we had been simple all along. But we went from buying Valentine's cards and gifts to making a special meal. We started a new family tradition.

Not only have I learned my children's temperments and love languages, I have learned to navigate life's challenges along with them. One thing that is the same is that they have been shown how to grow through trials and forge ahead.