It's Never Over For Your Kids

I'm talking about divorce. For the parents, there's a final decree and the court date. Boom, marraige over. The notarized paper says so. As time marches on, hopefully each one comes to terms with the end of the union and works through their pain/anger/grief and aquisition of a new toaster or table. It's over for parents.

Not for the kids. The court date didn't draw a line for them. It's not something they get over, because they are the victims of its ongoing consequences. The divorce remains present tense for the kids. Forever.

If you are a spouse, you can say you were once married to someone who (fill in the blank) and you don't have to deal with that anymore. You can move on. The kids don't see it like that. Even the most ugly marraiges aren't viewed through an adult lens.

These are just kids. They have to live with a dead family that now exists in fragments in multiple locations. Their "space" changes as they shuttle back and forth between two households - maybe more if grandparents are in the mix, too. The rules and vibes change, too. Perhaps one parent is more consistent and one more laid back? Maybe one spends more money? They might be in the shaddows, observing mom or dad (or both) dating. The dates might have their own kids. Each parent might marry again. There could even be a new little brother or sister in one household, not to mention any kids that came with the new spouse. Can you imagine what that does to their birth order? The new baby gets to live with dad full time, but they don't. Can you imaging what that does to their self-worth? They are a  part-time kid now. Sob.

On a more petty level, they have stuff spread out between locations, and the way the parents regard the stuff impacts their daily life. "No, you cannot bring that item to your mother's. It stays here." What if they liked the thing 7 days a week, not just weekends? Too bad. Not now.

Worse, what if the parents can't co-parent and do not value the fact that their sperm and egg caused their child into being? The biological role cannot be erased as simply as a marraige license. Mom is mom, Dad is dad. Each parent should strive to communicate objectively with the other because they are still parents. The change is that when they parent now, they aren't together locationally. But they can and should be together - on the same page - as co-parents. It should not be about trying to control the other parent's home life, or sabbotage a relationship or play mean. That gig is at the expense of the child.

My ex used to steal our daughter's coats. In a seven-month period, 5 coats went away. I would send her dressed weather-appropriately and she would come home without a coat or jacket. The first few times it happened, I would call and ask to have him bring back the coat next time. His standard reply was "what coat? I don't have it". Initially I tried to reason and say "yes you do, it was on her when you picked her up". But my descriptions and reminders fell on passive-agressive ears. "I don't have it." The first coat was a nice one, the next coat was one she was growing out of. When I realized he was trying to control me by bothering me, I shut up and sent her in hand-me-down jackets until I ran out. Then I stopped sending her in a coat, period. At just five years old, she was well aware that her father was trying to jerk us around.  If she got cold, she could tell him. I was done engaging.

Our daughter, however, was taught that daddy didn't care about her basic well-being. Bad move on his part. She even stopped bringing him things from school to show him. That still stabs my heart thinking of that this many years later. The earnest little face that wanted her father's affection and approval became determined and savvy at an age when she should have only had to think about what outfit to put on Barbie. But she had to step up to care for herself when she was with him - because he wasn't. The guy who sneered feidishly at me and tried other such manouvers to "get me" failed to make me anxious or worried. He succeeded in damaging the heart of his developing little girl all because he placed a higher value on lashing out than he did in co-parenting.

When she would tell me what he had done or not done, I would empathize and say :"Oh Honey, I am sooo sorry he chose to do that. Come have a hug."  When she would ask me why he would do that, my reply was similar: "I don't know why he would choose that. Let's pray for him to be the best daddy." While I would vent to my friends, I did not disparaiage her father in front of her. I encouraged her to love him because he was her dad, beast that he was. Kids want permission to love both parents. Give it.

You may be in a horror movie of a marraige. (I sure was.) But that ended a long time ago. He died the year after the divorce was final. There were pieces to process and therapy to work on, but it's long over. The hell is over. For me. For our daughter? She is still a child of divorce who lost her home and lifestyle. Her mom returned to work to support them and she learned about before and after school daycare in additon to packing a little suitcase every other weekend. Her parents were in different houses.

How do small children process such drastic changes? Today there are some great support groups for parents and kids. The one I really like is national: Divorce Care 4 Kids. It helps them deal with their divorce at age appropriate levels. When I was divorced, there were support groups for adults but kids weren't addressed. If you are going through a divorce, please take advantage of a group for your kiddoes. They need to be able to express their feelings with other kids who know what it's like. It is even more critical if you have to live with game-playing or lack of parenting from the other parent.

Another great tool for sharing information about the kids neutrally is an internet based tool called Our Family Wizard.  Parents can share schedules, visits and parenting plans not to mention journal, log expenses and e-mail. This gem is worth the $99 annual subscription. www.ourfamilywizard.com

Telling our kids they did not cause the divorce and that mom and dad will always love them isn't enough. We need to act like it by living it out. As hard as it is for a parent to go through a divorce, be sure you try to look at it through your child's eyes. Twenty years from now, they are the ones who will have to figure out which house to go to for Thanksgiving, not you.

Who Cares if They Don't Eat Dinner?

One of my favorite things to teach parents with small children is how not to fret about dinner time. Some parents try implementing my techniques right away while others continue to have the daily argument and worry about their child's nutrition. The ones who consistently implement tell me how delighted they are with the results.

I'm not saying I don't care about nutrition. I absolutely do. Read on if you would like to stem the boring "eat your dinner" diatribe and enjoy actual conversations instead. Read on if you would like to have a pleasant meal time with your family. If you want to perpetuate fussy eating and whining and raise a little princess or prince, don't bother. (And if that's your goal then what are you doing reading this blog??)

They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. That's the perfect visual for the parent who nags "eat your dinner" every night and thinks that is what is gonna - snap - get their kid to eat.

Nooooo. Kids learn best by hearing, seeing and doing.

All you need to say is "Dinner time." It's rather obvious that the food on the plate is intended to be eaten using the silverware sitting on their napkin. You can model eating by taking bites off your own plate. Create a calm environment - shut off the TV - select conversation threads that don't incite arguments and allow a reasonable period of time for everyone to eat.

Rushing is not good for digestion and can lead to choking, much less anxiety. Public school allows about 20 minutes for lunch, so take your cue from them and add a few more minutes. Teach your family that no one leaves the table until dinner is over. It's rude to have members get up and leave those who chew more slowly. Did you know we are supposed to chew each bite about 20 times? And yes, I am well aware that no one does that in North America. Those who finish early can have more salad, or if they are full they can add to the conversation. No one should start urging slower eaters to hurry. Let the plates sit until the last person finishes. You are not at a restaraunt where they take off the dirty plates the instant someone finishes.

It's another thing if you have a strong-willed kid who stares off and makes no attempt to eat. When the time is up for dinner to be over, it's over. The kitchen is closed until breakfast. For those who have finished their dinner and get hungry later, they are welcome to a bowl of non-sugary cereal before bed. But if they didn't eat their dinner, they don't get a special meal prepared for them - much less a snack.

All you do is smile cheerfully when they delcare "But I'm hungry!!!!"

"I would be too, if  I didn't eat dinner." Smile.

"But --- I'm hungry!!!"

"The kitchen is closed. Breakfast is at 7:00." Another smile.

A couple of nights of this is all it will take for your fussy eater grasp the concept that food will be available at dinner time or they will go hungry. The key is to act as if you are on valium and unfazed by their words. I call this being "Valium Girl". It will take awhile to get it perfected, but remember that all you have to do is act like it. Eventually your feelings of zen will follow the act. There is much parental power to be had by remaining chill and not responding.

Don't let them follow you around trying to wear you down. Gently guide them to their room to get ready for bed. If they come out and want to continue to attempt their power play, point them toward to door to leave the room. Don't talk about dinner any more. Repeat your mantra about breakfast.

I repeat, do not make your fussy eater a separate meal from the rest of the family. You aren't a short order cook. Everyone gets a taste of everything. If your kid "hates" your menu and sulks, get up and dump his plate in the sink and sit back down and eat your dinner. Excuse that kid from the table and calmly continue conversing with the rest of the family. If they ask you why you did that, shrug and say that they said they didn't like it. Breakfast is at 7:00. Remember, no snacking later, The kitchen is closed.

You won't have to do this too many times before it will sink in that you mean business. Oh, and that reminds me. Only one parent needs to do the talking. If there are two parents present, one talks and the other joins in acting calm and changing the subject with everyone else.

What To Teach Your Children About Service Dogs

You've seen a person in a store with a dog wearing a vest, right? The dog walks stalwartly beside the owner. We all know those are trained service dogs and we shouldn't attempt to touch them.

But did you know you should not speak to the dog - or the owner? We should not even look at them.

That I didn't know.

It took my experience with a client who has a service dog and observing what happens when I take her out in public to realize how important it is to leave the dog and the owner alone.

Every time we go somewhere, it's a guarantee that people will walk up, interrupt our conversation and tell her how beautiful her dog is. I tell the person that the dog is working, and they tell us they know and then continue to ask about the dog. If a small child is involved, the parent will ask if they can pet the dog or walk the child up to the dog and tell the child the dog is working and can't be touched. And then the parent will stand right there asking about the dog. My client freezes up and stares uncomfortably, murmering short answers. I step in and inform the party that a sevice dog is working and needs to be left alone.

Even though I politely address the situation and get the people to walk away it's too late. My client's anxiety has already gone off the chart. My client doesn't have a service dog because she is blind. She has a service dog because she has PTSD and extreme anxiety. What you or I may think of as a friendly aside comment - "Your dog is beautiful" - triggers her fears because she does not want and cannot handle attention from strangers that is unexpected.

Before I met this client, I knew not to touch a service dog but I was ignorant about speaking to the owner because I enjoy talking to people. Now I understand why the people I spoke to were not friendly in their replies. I had made them uncomfortable because of how they process public interaction. Even when I have smiled at someone with a service dog, they have awkwardly looked away. There I was, thinking I was being kind by smiling at them and they were freaking out on the inside. Thanks to this client, I get it now.

The other day my client told me she went to WalMart for what should have been a twenty minute trip. Ninety minutes later, she left after having been stopped thirtten times. One mother even loadly told her kid "That's a mean lady" when my client told them the dog was working and could not be touched.

Her dog's service vest has the logo of the agency's certification but that hasn't been eough. I ordered her a patch that says "Service Dog" and the "Please Don't Touch" logo.

Everyone needs to know that a service dog isn't just a pet. It is part of a therapy plan and has been trained to provide comfort and assurance to the owner. Service dogs only focus on their owners and don't go around looking for other people to lick. Without her service dog, my client would literally be unable to leave the house. She has two other dogs who are pets. But her service dog knows her role and "goes to work".

If you have children, please teach them what the role of a service dog is and that when they spot one, to mind their own business. The owners have a reason why they have been prescribed a service dog and need to put one foot in front of the other. This includes pointing. Service dog owners need to focus on their dog and don't want any attention in spite of the fact that a dog in a store ironically calls attention to the duo.

Please join me in spreading the word that it is not unfriendly to look the other way.

"You Made Me Angry!!!"

Actually, no you didn't.

People can't "make" another person anything. It is up to the individual determining their response to the situation that brings in their own  emotions. No one else is responsible for our emotions. They all belong to lil' ol' us. Period.

Feeling angry? Fine. Just own that it is your response, not someone else's command. Sure. You might feel angry after experiencing something with another person. But they did not "make" you angry. It's not their fault you are angry or what you do with that anger.

I know someone who blamed his car accident on his mom dying. He was so angry, he crashed his car. It was his mom's fault. Not really. It was his fault because he was the driver. Instead of owning his responsibility, he shrugged off the blame and played the victim. If he would have said "I was so angry and preoccupied when my mom died, I totalled my car" it would have made more sense.

When my kids were small and would sulk at me "you made me angry!!!" I would always respond with "Nope. No one can make you have your feelings but you. You can tell me you are angry, but I did not cause your anger." That sure took the wind out of their sails and intitially they would stomp out of the room. Gradually they could separate the cause from their reactions and ceased to point the finger. They learned from a very short height that they are "the boss of their emotions" - no one else.

Another thing not to say is "I just can't help how angry I feel about ________." Yes, you can. Your anger is the result of this formula:  A + B = C. Your anger is C, what happened was A. B is your perception, your interpretation of what A means. It is your B that you need to figure out and possibly reframe.

Here's an example. When I was first married to my hubby, his exwife regularly did or said things regarding their child that I would seethe over. My husband on the other hand, would shrug it off. I wanted him to join me in anger and be as irritated as I was. He could care less because his B was different than mine. His B was "so what?" and my B was "no one should do this" and thus my C. Once I learned that it was what it was and she wasn't going to change, I released my anger and my B became an "oh well". It was very freeing.

So when you are faced with something that really pushes your anger buttons, sit yourself down and ask yourself how you are attaching meaning to that B. You may find out someone is doing somethng just like someone in your past, or that something reminds you of a time you were wronged or failed. Once you know this formula, you truly can become slow to anger and more cautious in your speech.

Now when I see a loud, angry person I don't cringe or fear. They are just displaying to the world a low level of maturity and demonstrating a lack of self control. I wish every child growing up in an angry household today could know this truth before it impacts them.

Oh, and just like no one can make you angry, no one can make you happy, either. But that's for another blog.

Sometimes, Child Abuse Looks Like This...

Sometimes, it looks like this...

We are all aware of the media stories, so I 'm not going there. It's horrible. But sometimes, child abuse lives in the suburbs and everyone looks "nice".

Since I am faced with families and kiddos working on overcoming emotional obstales each day, I get to think about lil' ol' me every once in awhile.

I had a controlling father that would demand that no door be locked and would burst in "just to check". The worst was the bathroom door - just because he could. As a child, all I knew was that the angry man was there and could not relax. As an adult dealing with IBS, I finally figured my out my struggle.

Gee Whiz. What that man did was completely degrading. No wonder I have spent so many years either conspitated or otherwise? Ever since I finally figured out the root of my decades of plague..-guess what? I also realized what this is called.

This is child abuse.

Forget the beatings and beratings That was already going on.

Just randomly jerking open the bathroom door to "check on/surprise" a child trying to "do business" and silently demanding them to normalize that ... so, so, so deplorable. But that's what I grew up with as a kid and thought it was "normal". I also thought being clogged up was, too.

A parent shaming their child while they perform a bodily function?  How much lower can you get? In North America, that is the ultimate of private acts. Gosh even our dog wanders out of sight when she goes.

I remember telling my mom once, finally. And then it stopped. I was 10.

But not for me physically. I still live with "issues". Since I figured out the source and no one is bursting in on me or degrading me any longer, I have had the best poop time in my life. Sadly, it's still IBS though.

Cheers to all my fellow IBS friends. I am certain this is also medical, but for me my medical was caused from an external source. This makes me sad for that little girl that used to clench her colon. But I understand that was all she knew.

Shame on anyone who views small children as objects of control and does not respect them as humans worthy of dignity just like everyone else. An awful lot of unhealthy or downright evil acts are normalized far too often. If this post causes one person to examine their motives and actions toward an innocent, dependent child it's worth it.

Anything you are doing because you can or you want it that way is your red flag. Stop passing on the batton of condemnation.

Is This For You or For Them?

Did you grow up playing the piano - so now your kids have to?

When you were in grade school, did you attend a Bible club - so yours do now?

Did your mom pierce your ears as an infant, so that's what you did to your baby?

Do you carry on a childhood Sunday night Family Dinner Night tradtion today?

Some nastalgic tradtions pass on meaning to future generations. How wonderful to clear calendars and gather for a meal with relatives - especially in today's shrinking margin of free time. Perhaps infant ear-piercing has a significance in your family.  The 1950s TV show Leave it to Beaver had the family dress for their nightly dinner at the dining room table. And don't piano lessons teach responsibility? Awwww.

If you have fond memories of attending a church sponsored children's club, there is a strong likelihood you may want to share that with your children. Often, it's the parents who never participated in church activities as a child that are insistent in providing that experience for their children today. Sometimes, it's the opposite: they grew up spending so much time at church they are burned out and decide their children "can choose for themselves" at some point.

Same goes with music lessons.

The trouble with not being intentional about what we expose our children to during their developing years is that their filter is not well-balanced.

How will they know they might like to skate if they never get to try? How can they know their soul sings when they paint if they are never exposed to it? If they aren't introduced to soccer, how will they know if they are good at kicking? Same goes with church. Kids only know what they experience in their everyday lives. My goal was to ensure that physical, spiritual and artistic categories were covered over a dozen + years so that by the time they graduated highschool, my kids had discovered some talents, passions and God. From there, they can launch full-force into their first foray in the real, big world.

We've all seen the kid with the father who had been an all-star back in the day. Dad puts extra pressure on his kid to perform. Or maybe it's the beauty pagent mom who wants her girl to "be pretty" but poor little Lulu has a weight problem. (Cringe on both.)

I met a passionate Girl Scout leader with a daughter who shrugs and says "it's boring". Mom corrects by telling her how fun it was when they went here and there and they did this and that.  Her girl agreed the field trips were fun, but the weekly meetings weren't. Mom innocently believes her beloved kiddo needs to learn to appreciate it more and urges her to finish the written work in order to earn her two new badges "because Girl Scouts is fun". The child dutifully sat down and did the work, much to mom's delight.

In this sceanrio, who likes Girl Scouts? Not the girl. This particular troop is organized in a fashion that speaks to the way mom likes to process, but not the girl. She just loves her mama and wants to please her. I'll wager that whatever her written assignment was is not any aquired knowledge.

In our scope of parenting, it's important to seek objectivity. Ask ourselves if we are covering all the bases with a variety of learning expriences. Frontmost in our minds must be the question "is this what honors my child's learning style and interests?"

Not every child knows they want to play the tuba, it's our job to strategically expose them to the opportunities to discover that - even if we have no prior experience or tuba-love.  When we find out something isn't a fit, we readjust rather than continue to push the point.

In the case of the Girl Scout illustration, the little girl's 3 faithful years of attendance is more than enough. If mom continues to push, her tween will then determine mom doesn't understand and look elsewhere for support during upcoming critical developmental years.

Parents: I repeat. Is this for you or for you kid?

Routines Are Friends

One of my favorite lines in the animated movie Finding Nemo is when Bruce the shark recites the mantra "Fish are friends, not food." I use that voice in my head when referring to routines with our kids. Routines are our friends because they provide the structure and security every child needs, whether they know it or not.

I've met parents so regimented they refuse to adjust a nap or lunch time no matter who is in town. 11:30 is the time, lunch is the agenda, period. They expect everyone else to follow their schedule. I've met parents who packed three backpacks and camped by the sea in Mexico with their toddler for six months. (When they returned, they said they'd never do that again.) I've met parents who go about their own routines and fit the child in - and are surprised to learn their kid is hungry after hours of touring open houses or whatever else was on their adult docket. I've met parents who pack a bag of age-appropriate toddler toys and leave it in the trunk while they visit friends and then follow the kid around the host house telling them "no!" I've been the parent so busy my little one didn't get a nap and experienced consequences of their late afternoon meltdown.

When my girl was 18 months old, we took her on a two-week vacation cross country. She had so many new sights and people to experience, she refused any nap the entire time. On the flight home, she had a super freak melt-down in my arms, wrestling and uncharacteristically pounding against me so hard she knocked my pearl earrings out of my ears. Once home, she solidly collapsed in her crib and slept straight for 24 hours. I learned the hard way that any change in routine impacts our wee ones mightily.

In working with kids and families for several decades, the biggest duh I've learned is that children crave routine. They need to know what comes next. If you are a shoot-from-the-hip carefree person like me, it will take extra work on your part to give your kids the framework they need. But it will be worth your efforts. Most kids want to feel regulated and experience a sense of order. No, they don't want or need a drill sergeant, but they do feel more secure when they can regularly experience routine and just plain know what to expect. My son taught me this as a toddler. He would always ask me what comes next and boom! I figured out that I needed to simmer down and regulate. You bet I did. After all, parenting is not about the parent - it's about giving the kids a secure, safe daily life.

Routines are friends. They may bore you like crazy, but being a parent is about stepping outside yourself and investing in smaller human beings who trust you for no reason at all. I say honor that innocence and provide them the emotional security they not only need, but truly require. That becomes their framework for development.

Breaking this down, it means that kids need a daily schedule. The more you follow the schedule - however loose - the better your kids will function. If you have a special needs child, this is not only important - it is essential. One missed appointment can set a special needs child back multiple steps. If you are making progress, a missed step can force you back to your starting point. No matter what is going on or how you feel, don't skip a routine. I can't tell you how many times I have seen parents regret that as their child continues to float. Keep on keeping on.

Another good thing about routines is that once you have them in place, your home can run itself and you get to just follow along without the pressure of having to come up with something. AND, you can "blame" the routine you have established. Example: "We go to bed at 8:00." "We take baths before bed." "We pack our lunch after dinner." You get the idea. Pouf - no more creation of new talking points. You can mentally rest with a big smile instead, and just love on your kids.

Remain neutral in your speech and go for a simple schedule that gives you a framework for your family to follow. Whatever you do, please do not become a controller. Be an upbeat, calm guider. Controllers drive people away forever. Guiders are there for life.

For instance: Kids will love that Tuesday night is Taco night. They will come to anticipate it and it will comfort them as they move through the turbulence of adolescence and get launched as young adults. Or...What if you establish two days a week as Laundry Day? They will know they get to help fold baskets full or put away stuff. You get the idea. The bigger the family, the more important routines become for obvious reasons.

Routines. The best friend a parent can ever have. Try it. You'll like it. Especially if you want your kids in your life as adults.

Just Put A Bowl of Cherrios On The Floor

When our itty bitties are itty and bitty, we naturally dole out nibblets like mama birds. I understand this. We want our darlings to keep nourished.

But as our precious ones get taller and attend school, I really don't think they need to sit in the nest and still and squawk for snacks to be spit into their billets. (Forget main meals - they can hear you ring the bell or clang the gong for that feed.) They know how to self-feed, don't they? Yet?

Here is what I don't understand: Parents who control snacks. Down to the time of day and number of crackers or apple slices. You know - the age when your kid is school-aged or even able to comprehend.Why give yourself more work? Do you really want to be tied in to more details than necessary?

"Tommy you can only have 3 Rtiz crackers or you will spoil your dinner! Do not even think about asking for one more!", "Sally, you are nine but I need you to ask me first before you get a glass of water and I need to pour it for you." "Roger, you did not finish your kale at lunch so forget any snack now!" These are just a few of the parent diatribes I frequently hear. They are followed by the bugle sound from the old Charlie Brown cartoons when the adult spoke... only now it's the whining from the kid who just wants a little something more to eat. The parent then spends another half hour saying
"no" multiple times.

Boring.

What is the big deal about counting their bites? Sure. If they want to eat a quart of ice cream a half hour before dinner. Or toast a loaf of bread --- unless they are a teen boy, don't worry. They will still eat dinner. Forget that bag of Cheetos. That's a duh.

But hey. If they just got home from school at 4:30 (and unfortunately, I know that happens way too often for elementary kids) please give them a snack!

So what if they get "too full" on veggies and fruits and can't eat all their "dinner"? Who cares?!  They ate well and got multiple servings from the magical Food Pyramid. It's not like they are "too full" of pizza or other conveyor-belt nothings. They ate real food and got full. Time to celebrate, not dictate.

Can you separate from what you experienced while growing up? Your kiddos really can exist along with you but not need to be attached like a leech. I have no memory of my Betty Crocker Mama putting a special cookie on a plate after school. Beaver's mom even poured a special glass of milk. (Bet he got out of school at 2:30!)

When my darlings were in elementary school, I kept the fridge stocked with veggies and fruits. There was a "Kid Zone" in the pantry where I kept repackaged cereal combinations with very little sugar. Let's just call that "gravel". They had full access and did not need to ask me a thing. Between the "gravel" and the fruits and veggies in the fridge, my kids could "free feed" just like our dog. They knew where "their" food was located, could have all the water they wanted and go to the bathroom without permission. I didn't care how much good stuff they ate or water they drank. Heck, add milk to that list. Just as long as they knew where the dishwasher, sink and garbage were.

When I observe parents unnecessarily inserting themselves into situations they make more complicated, I am stupefied. Why add more to the list? If you give your kids good guidelines and provide healthy snack options what does it matter to you?

For me, I didn't even know enough to want to save my brain cells and not waste my breath counting out the correct amount of Gold Fish crackers. Interrupting an adult conversation to go pour a glass of water my child was fully capable of doing did not occur to me. I just didn't see the need to control and simply wanted to raise emerging adults who would make positive decisions on their own.

Snacks? That is indeed sweating the very small stuff. Ahhh just call me lazy or ignorant. Either way, am I ever glad I didn't spend any time on food patrol.

Gots me two great ones!

Dr. Laura Yelled at Me

For real.

Last week I called in to the famous satelite radio shrink to get her opinion about a minor delimma. If you follow my blog, you know I listen to her frequently and agree with about 80% of what she says. But, I disagree with about 60% of the way she says things.

Yes, she has razor sharp acumen and takes a moral stand. Yes, she is witty at times and can readily laugh at herself. And, yes, her on-air show is entertaining. That's the part I need to remember after the unexpected tongue-lashing I received.

I only had to wait about 15 minutes to go on the air. The crisp screener just wanted to know my question, age, first name and state. After 10 minutes of waiting, the screener clicked in to tell me I was next. The caller before me got the good doctor cranky. After she greeted me and I told her I was a long-time fan, I asked my question and began to summarize the backstory so she would have a better picture of my situation.

Well, I didn't get too far before she pounced and snipped at me and told me I was wrong. I said she had given me a lot to think about and she corrected me "no I didn't!!!" and told me I had to do what she had said, it was my duty.  When I tried to add more information, she scolded me and said "who cares??!!" Then she warned me not to be "whiney" or "sulky" when I go and do the right thing she had told me to do. I said I absolutely would not be whiney or sulky and she interrupted me again to tell me what to do and then there was just air. When the radio came back on, I could hear the last paragraph of our conversation. After she hung up on me, she snapped "and that is how it's done!!" to her listeners. She never did get to hear the rest of the information surrounding my situation - she just reacted to the headline.

This bruising got me thinking about how quickly we may jump to conclusions when our spouse or kids are trying to tell us something. We hear just a few words and snap, think we know where this is going and launch into commentary or lecture. The other person is left taken aback and stammering to try and clarify, but it's too late. Our all-knowing brilliance has already filtered, processed and concluded.

The trouble is, in real life it takes longer than 30 seconds to adequately explain a situation so that the listener can hear where you are coming from. Blanket truths cannot be so glibly applied without more information. I'm not talking about every little teeny timy detail. Examples will do. Asking clarifying - not judgmental - questions and comments will also help set the stage. Deciding how this is going to end up without full information will not build your relationship, nor will you be able to give an objective answer.

So many times in my parenting journey, I have jumped to the wrong conclusion and one of my more-patient-than-me kids has calmly explained otherwise. Then I tuck my ignorant head under my wing, apologize and exit the room. I am getting better, but I still jump sometimes. What I have learned is that the times I jump to a negative conclusion in a nano second, I am usually in error. It really wasn't what it looked like or sounded like. My kid really was being a solid citizen - it just didn't initially look like it. More information filled in the gaps.

Judging others is never a wise thing to do. Things are not what they might look like. Going through a divorce a long time ago, my ex insisted I drive his Mercedes because of how expensive the upcoming car tabs were and he wanted to cause me further financial anxiety. Sure, I looked like all was well as I drove that car but I only had $20 in my wallet. No one knew that part, but they sure snarked at me at church about how "hard" I had it. I didn't answer Dr. Laura and I didn't answer those unkind judgers. But am I ever glad my kids took the time to give me some more information all those times when I was out of line and pouncing.

Here's to holding back on instant reactions and getting more information first.

The Most Powerful Words A Parent Can Use

Don't we all want to hear our parents say "well done" or appreciate something about us? Ever since I read the book The Blessing by Gary Smalley and Dr. John Trent about 25 years ago, I have worked hard to verbally tell my children something special about them and how God will use it in their futures. In my work, I routinely encourage parents to "picture a special future" for each of their children and to do it out loud.

Many people pass through childhood merely attending life and pouf they're an adult and just go through the motions. Day fades into day fades into years simply functioning - joy is absent. Sometimes it is due to economic or social circumstances. Sometimes it's just because their parents didn't or couldn't picture a special future for them. That's what is called a blessing.

Passing on a blessing was a huge deal in the Old Testament (the part of the Bible that talks about life on this planet before Jesus was born). It's important because it shows us customs and history that feed into today. The Old Testament blessing was a tradition given by the father to the oldest son in the family and carried its weight to his future lineage. It was bestowed hope and a positive pronouncement coveted by the child. It governed his future life from that point forward. A verbal treasure, done just once. An honor with the authority of God behind his father's well chosen words.

Smalley and Trent have concluded - and I agree - that inside the heart of every one of us is a desire to hear a good word from his or her parents. Their book talks about how to give a blessing to our own children, even if we never received it ourselves. This is a powerful thought: You can give something you never received (and even still want) yourself! The book includes rationale on why your parents might have been unable to give you a blessing. Absorbing that will clear your heart and mind so you can give a blessing to your kids. It is one of the most powerful parenting books I have ever read.

I've met adults who were told horrible things while they were growing up. "You are fat", "You are such a klutz", "Why can't you be like your sister?" "When will you ever learn?" "You ruined my life",  "I wish I had had an abortion", "You just have to be like this, don't you??", "You are such a brat", "You're gonna have to be smart cuz your looks won't help", "You're stupid", "What is wrong with you?!?" "Who will ever want to marry you?", "You make me so mad", "I can't wait til you are out of the house." All of the above have been told to people I have met. All of them have damaged souls.

Some condemnation wasn't actually said. It's what wasn't said that damages. Many adults with grown children of their own still ache for their parents to say something positive. To those of us in that boat, I say do the work to let go of that hope. It is likely not to happen and your emotions will do better investing in something worthwhile. Like...the next generation.

So let's influence each generation to come by picturing a special future not once, but as a matter of course as you do life. Let's empower our kids and grandkids to recognize their gifts and strengths and visualize how they can contribute to the world. Or, what I like to call "becoming a solid citizen". You'd be surprised at how many youth can't see beyond tomorrow or maybe their birthday. Many can't even comprehend consequences. Let's help them picture their futures and maybe we can stop just one kid from taking a hammer and breaking in to the gas station down the block.

Are you wondering what to say?

Well, you don't set up a meeting and clear your throat or light candles or even tell the kids you are giving them a blessing. You just do it wherever you happen to be and you notice a quality to affirm. It's about character and ability, so no talking about Sally's cute little button nose that she had no control over.  Say things along these lines: "You are such a great artist - when you are grown up many people will appreciate your pictures." "You were so brave to help me kill that bug. When you're a Daddy, your children will feel safe with you, too." "You are so good at writing stories! You could write a book about adventures." "I know this is hard. This is good practice for other hard things that will happen. You are handling it well." "You are really good at figuring things out, will you please help me put this lamp together?" "You are such a fast learner!" "It's great how you like to try new things - you could go anywhere in the world and talk to people."

Pretty much anything positive that you see your child do or be can be turned into a blessing. Catch them doing something right and every once in awhile, verbalize it to them. Tomorrow will soon be upon them, and we want to get them ready bit by bit. Do this and you know they will pass it on to their children. And so on.

#ImpactingGenerations

The Powerful Effect of Agreement

I accidentally started to learn about this when my girl was about 20 months old. We were driving home and passed by a McDonalds as we exited the grocery store parking lot. "I want to go to McDonalds, Mommy, " she said, sitting forward in her car seat pointing to the Golden Arches. "I do too," I gushed. "Let's go there tomorrow, okay!?!" "OKAY!!" agreed my little one. She snuggled back into her seat for the ride home. And yes, I did take her to get that Happy Meal the next day.

When I deferred the McDonalds visit, I did it partly because I just wanted to get home after a long day, and partly because I wanted to teach her that everything doesn't happen the second we want it to. As she continued to grow up and her little brother came along, I found more uses for "agreeing".

At age five having just been impressed with a virtual tour of a French cheese-making facility on a Mr. Rogers episode, my girl somberly informed me that when she grew up, she wanted to "be a cheese maker." She continued to mention this aspiration for the next five years. I would smile and nod and say it looked like fun. Sometimes I would ask her if she would be sure to make me some, too. By the time she was 10, privately I thought she was capable of an array of amazing careers that used more of her creativity. But I resisted the urge to suggest she think differently. I did tell her I thought she would be good at many things, but only because she was (and is) marvelously talented - not because I didn't want her to make cheese or live in France. (Side note: she's actually a grad student and works with social justice and marginalized people and a graphic artist on the side.)

The first time either child lost their grip on a precious helium balloon they had just been given, I would start jumping wildly in the parking lot and waving excitedly "Bye!" to the disappearing object. The kids didn't hesitate to join me, and every balloon they accidentally let go of after that received the same fond farewell. This is a pre-emptive strike against a fit, but the "agreement" was that the balloon was going away.  They learned that "Away" isn't necessarily a tragedy.

When one of my kids would tell me about something that had upset them and finish with "and it's not fair!!!"  I would agree with them when it really wasn't fair. "You are so right, that is NOT one bit fair, but it happened. I'm sad with you for that. How frustrating." Sometimes that was enough to adjust their view on the situation. Sometimes we would talk about ways to deal with it now that it wasn't fair.

"I want to be a brave soldier when I grow up," said my five-year-old son. Following my own cheese-maker advice, I agreed with his idea. After all, he was five. New ideas would come along. When he was 17 he enrolled in the National Guard and graduated Basic Training before his senior year in high school as one of the youngest graduating soldiers. Five days after he graduates next month, he ships out for a summer of AIT training before starting college in the fall to study architecture.

In college my daughter excitedly called to tell me about the spring break trip she and 3 gal pals were going to take - driving to Florida. Now, that idea was the last thing I liked and thought there was a lot of potential risk. But she was 19. So I just asked about trip details and suggested she get her oil changed before and have friends chip in for gas. She agreed. A week before the trip, she told me they weren't going. When I asked her why, she said she didn't have enough money and didn't want to put more miles on her car. "That is reasonable thinking," I replied. Each time she wanted to do something, we listened to her reasoning and made listening comments, but we did not tell her not to do it. She would come to her own conclusion that was more reasonable after living with the idea for a bit of time.

The take-away from my "agreement" approach is that kids can tell when you enter their world and truly see things from their viewpoint. They need their ideas to be heard. Sometimes, you may not like their idea or want to do it, but you can agree that their idea is a valid one. They can even tell you they don't want to do something, and you can reply that you don't want to do it either - but we have to learn to do things anyway sometimes.

Fully functioning adults need to learn to wait. They need to learn to do things they don't want to do for personal responsibility. They need to learn to make rational decisions. By listening with agreement, you can help foster this in your children as they move from stage to stage.

Oh - and did you notice I did not bring up any form of lecturing? There are no lectures in my world. Telling a kid what to think will not teach them to think independently or confidently. Guiding allows them to absorb things and make it their own. Had I "told" my toddler daughter that we did not have time to go to McDonalds and droned "no" it won't work, she would have had a fit and I would have committed a lecture. Arg. Nothing would have been learned.  I think parents employ the word "no" and lecture far too often and that's why kids end up needing to be told things over and over and not comprehending on their own.

Agreement. Try it, you'll like the results and so will your kids.

How To "Mean Business"

Recently I was visiting a client and their big dog kept wanting to slobber on me. Now I do like dogs, but not the slobber. The owner told the hound "no" several times and the dog ignored her, sat at my feet and looked me in the eye. Frustrated, the owner said "Go to your bed" and he got half-way there before he decided he didn't want to comply. Back he trotted to the fascination of my presence. I looked him in the eye and repeated the owner's command to go to his bed. Off he went. The owner was impressed (so was I). I told her I was a dog whisperer.

It was all in the tone. The dog owner was soft-spoken and seemed to be asking the dog a question, not issuing a command. I've met parents who plead with their kids to listen to them. Their sentences end with a high note as if asking a question. "Time to put our shoes on?" "We have to go now?" It sounds as if they are asking permission to be in authority.

Don't approach your kids with the attitude of "you don't want to listen to me do you?" They will smell that aura before you even enter the room. Use a confident, firm voice and have a serious look in your eyes. Your expression should show you mean business without looking like a stern old crab. Even if you are not calm and confident, you can act like it. I found that the more I acted like it, the more confident I became.

Make statements as if they are a universal truth without variables. Invite no debate. "Feet stay on the floor." "Throwing is for outside." "Painting is at the table." "We use our inside voices." "We pick up the game before dinner." "There is one snack for each of you."

The kinds of questions to ask are the ones you offer two choices for and let the kid decide because either way, you get what you needed them to do taken care of.

Examples: "Tommy do you want to put your shoes on before or after you take your medicine?" "Do you want to buckle your seatbelt or do you want me to?" "Do you want to have a book or music for your nap?" "Do you want to eat your vegetables between your bites of chicken or all at once?"You get the idea. Once you get going, you won't be able to stop. Just don't be offering a six year old his choice of cup colors. This is mostly for the two to five set. It will also work with Special Needs kids.

Not only does "meaning business" involve confidence and tone, it involves consisentency. If you do this for two days and slip back into nagging and retorting, don't expect your child to give you leeway. They need you to be consistent with your approach as much as your rules. Their secuirty comes from the safe parameters you establish and keep. Picture coming home to your house every day with windows, doors, siding or the fence missing. You want the whole house there but you don't know what to expect because sometimes something is gone. That's what it is like for children when parents fail to behave consistently.

And when we aren't consistent, kids invent their own way to cope and it usually involves pushing limits. If you keep things as usual as possible without being a drill sergeant, you will save yourself many futile argeuments and repeated answers.

Speaking of repetition, do that when your child keeps asking you the same thing. Say they had their snack and they want another one and you don't want them to have one (although I would personally give them another apple). You say "There was one snack for each of you." Your child whines that they are still hungry. Your repeat "There was one snack for each of you." Keep saying this. You can end with "Dinner is at six." Whatever you do, do not start a lecture or get into a dialog. If you say things like "That was a large enough snack and you don't finish snacks when I give you two anyway" or "I don't want you to fill up before dinner and you didn't eat all of your lunch and you are wasting food" or anything like that, you are losing your leverage. The more I think about it, I would handle snacks differently. You can keep apples and carrots and sliced carrots in your fridge and let them have it. If they get full, look at what healthy stuff it was.

When you start to barter and over-explain, you have lost your position in their eyes. So the things you want to barter about had better be worth it. Snacks really aren't. I don't think pajamas or showers are either. Holding personal responsibility? You bet. Showing courtesy and respect? Of course. Behaing honestly and ethically all the time? Absolutely.

Remember in all your blood, sweat and tears of child-raising to remember to authentically catch them doing something right as often as you can. Praise and affirmation go a long way in building solid-citizen character and establishing you as a loving, trusting authority. It's a perfect counterpart to meaning business.

Boom! Crash! Shriek!

Ever had this happen in your parenting?

You are in the kitchen and you hear a loud crash coming from the family room. Off you hustle to conduct inspection. As you round the corner at warp speed second only to transporting yourself there a la Star Trek, you spy your kid standing near a lamp that is now laying broken on the floor. Little brother is across the room and both kids are frozen, not knowing whether to stare at you or the lamp.

What do you assume? What do you do?

If you want a kid that doesn't lie and will talk to you as they mature, you do not jump to conclusions and you do not act angry. Yes, even if that was the family heirloom lamp treasured for generations. You stand calmly and first look for blood. If the humans are fine, you calmly ask what they were trying to accomplish. Notice I didn't suggest you say "What were you doing?" Say that and I promise their answer will be "Nothing..."

Remember, your goal is to raise healthy, self-sufficient adults and your objective is to get them to talk. Your words should be non-condemning and open-ended. "Wow, I heard a noise and wanted to be sure you guys are alright. What were you trying to do?" goes a long way in creating dialog. Now, if they say they were playing catch with a brick, you can discipline them for playing outdoor games in the house, and bricks can harm so they are off limits. If they say they were trying to dust for you and knocked it, or if they even say they were wrestling and bumped the table I would not discipline them.

What? You see, that is called an accident. They were not intentionally being reckless. Maybe the wrestlers would have to pay some price to replace the lamp. For sure they can help you clean up. They can get the broom, the garbage bag and rubber gloves for you. They can go  put on socks and stand nearby and help look for glass pieces. They can put the dog in another area. After it's all picked up, they can vacuum. All the while you are calm, you are Switzerland.

Chances are they will show remorse. This is good. Let them say they are sorry, especially if they now realize they ruined a family treasure. (If that's the case, I see a new art project in your future making a mosaic.) Tell them you are sorry it happened, too. They can see you look sad, they just don't need to hear you scream and yell. Even if they were being intentional. They just have to work to repay the fair value. The important thing is that you didn't have to make a trip to the ER.

Conclude with a short plan for next time. What will they do differently? What did they learn? Where can they wrestle and throw things? Conversation over. If they are going to earn $ toward a new item, make a chart of things to do they can check off, but no more discussion until the day their debt is paid.

Do examine your circumstances. Are the kids set up for failure? If you have active kids, it is unreasonable to expect them to sit nicely and play quietly. Too cold to get them outside for more physical movement? Get out one of your Wii fitness games. Don't have any video games like that? Play gym class with them and get them exercising. If your active kids keep doing "wrong" things in your house, it's time to check how you have it set up and what you have on display. They need a zone that is okay to move in. Got a tight apartment and kids that like paint and glue and table messes? Go to Wall-Mart and purchase a yard of oilcloth for about $3. Place it felt-side down on your table and voila - your kids can create all they want and your table is safe. You should see the years of paint and marker stains on mine. I just wipe it and roll it for next time.

Rather than grip and suspect - hold your kids loosely in the palm of your hand. Find out what they were trying to do before you open your mouth and put your hands on your hips. If they grow up condemned by you, they will lie out of fear of your unreasonable wrath. They don't really want to get in trouble, but they will if you don't establish clear guidelines or are unreasonable. And they surely will need constant supervision if you train them to come to you for every little thing. All that does is prolong their ability to make sound decisions. Isn't that one of the core values parents want to instill?

Here's to calmer crashes in your house.

Love You, Don't Like You

We've all met kids we don't like and have had to deal with them - or our feelings about those buggers. What if the kid we don't like does not belong to our brother-in-law or isn't that little irritating one belonging to our neighbor ... but our own?'

ARGH. It happens.

The good news is that you can LOVE your kid, just not what they are doing. In my humble opinion, it is more than okay to dislike their actions and want to shrink from them at times. Yes, acknowledging this is a stab in your heart. But wait -- didn't your heart already get stabbed by your disappointment? You can do this. You can acknowledge this and keep going with hope and continue being a good parent.

A concept I have clung to since I was in college is that while I may not like everyone, God wants me to love them. Yes, I have not always liked my kid because of what they were doing or how they were acting, but I have always loved them.

Some times we need to wait to see a glimmer in their eyes that they are still "in there". But I never think we should give up on our babies. We need God's grace to keep us in tact as we wait to see the character displayed that we always yearned or prayed for. We need to keep following our principles without whining. And, act neutral.

A mentor taught me the importance of keeping thy mouth shut in order to keep her family in tact. She did not approve of her child's choice of mates but remained gracious and loving. Years later, her child discovered for themselves the true character of that poor choice and made different decisions. Graciousness wins all the time. Had the mom spoken her mind early on, she would have lost the relationship with her child. Instead, she plugged along.

The same thing goes when a child is going through an ugly period of development and I just don't mean zits. They may be doing or saying things you abhor. Their personality may clash with yours. You may see your flesh-and-blood being snotty or hurting other kids. Maybe they even dislike one of your other kids or have started to steal or do drugs. Draw the line.

In my work, I have dealt with many families where a parent's heart is wounded because of a child's actions. Bottom line: they want their babies to knock it off and refocus. Stand strong on your principles if you find yourself in this scenario. You have laid the foundation. Remember that. Respond when they are on track and don't get sucked into their drama when they aren't. Keep stating the main goals. Depend on God and don't compare yourself to other families.

If you didn't know how to lay down a parenting foundation, contact me. That's my passion and I'll walk you through it.

Keeping your chin firm and "letting" kids experience reality consequences has also been called "tough love". It requires patience, action and ongoing prayers. In extreme cases, you may need to be the one to place your child in treatment or call the police. Do it. Forget about what people think, take steps to keep your baby alive with a chance at a future. Side stepping this necessary action will surely kill them in one way or another and deny a future of good mental health at the least.

Not extreme - just a kid with a lousy attitude that makes you shirk? Keep those family rules and don't try to fix it when they get kicked off a team or are shunned by peers because of their behavior. Be glad reality is in their face and pray for realization but don't nag.  So what if they can't graduate with their class.  Get them help. Are they hurting the family emotionally? Stop their access to areas they are impacting. Maybe they don't get to go to the family dinner. Perhaps they have been so ungrateful there is no birthday gift. Shrug your shoulders and tell them you wish you could have done otherwise, but their choices dictated reality and walk away.

Less is more. Make simple statements and resist the necessary urge to rant on and on. If you don't, you have shot yourself in the proverbial foot. No one listens to ramblings. It's a sure signal for them to tune out. Just be calm, concise and brief.

Remember, your goal is to launch a fully functioning human into the world. Whatever their age of adulthood. Fully functioning people do not have people coddling, excusing or solving it for them. Fully functioning people have learned how to deal with the real stuff in life and take responsibility for their behavior. If you provide this scenario without narration, you are on the right track!

Along the way, you are bound not to like some of what your kids do. After all, they are human just like you. Don't focus on the alarm that you don't like something - focus on your end goal and know you are doing the right thing and in good company. If it's more than that, it's time for some counseling so you don't leave a mark on another human, much less one of your very own creation.

That's Not Funny, Steve Carrell

One of the funniest actors I enjoy is Steve Carrell. His ability to hold his face neutral while delivering inane dialog and get a huge laugh is admirable - and absolutely hilarious.

Recently he was on Jay Leno sharing a requisite "funny family story".  Apparently he accidentally rented an R-rated movie to show at his 9-year-old's big sleepover. They saw Predator. And now, chuckled dear Steve, he's known as "that dad" at his son's school.

That would be the dad who opened the door ahead of time. The dad who laughingly used poor judgement. The dad who permitted explicit media in his home geared toward a much more mature audience. Not only "that dad"... but the one who trumped the authority of other parents and choose for them. Repeat: he made the choice for other parents. That is not funny.

Parents: Never be the one known for having loose standards or the house where kids can get away with things. Never ever ever decide something so big as when a child will be introduced to mature content for another parent's kid. It's okay to go for it with little things like cookies or ice cream, but never anything as big as exposing someone else's child to material generated for older age groups. Carrell thinks most of the movie "went over their heads". Wait a few years for their vocabularies to grow and ask again. He was wrong.

No, Steve Carrell my favorite comedian and charming man, no. You blew something bigger than that one sleepover night and turned it into a "funny story thing".  This is much more than that. And what you did, you can't erase. You caused imprint on children's minds. Imprint that will weave its way through their current frame of references and leave acid droppings and questions on their future snapshots as they filter experiences and images while they continue to mature and develop. On behalf of the other parents, thanks for nothing. That was negative imprint.

Parents must respect other parents and err on the side of modesty. Much better to ask forgiveness for offering red meat  than a virtual introduction to "mature content". The red meat vegetarian parents don't want their kids to eat can leave the body within 24 hours, thoughts are there forever. This error cannot be apologized away. It's there.

Steve did not do this intentionally, I'm sure. He just wasn't on alert as a parent. The greatest influence we have on our children enters through their eyes and minds. Something many adults fail to place a high value on. The shorter ones are absorbing more than you think and watching you carefully. Humbly recognize this and adapt accordingly.

We held a lot of family events at our home where the kids ended up in the family room downstairs for a period of time. Our kids were in charge of monitoring which videos were watched and which video games were played. It was G only when other kids were over. Yes they resisted at first about my insistence that none of the other games we allowed them to play would be accessed for a couple of hours, but respected my request. When our daughter was 13 and hosting a slumber party, the girls wanted to watch a PG 13 movie. Knowing one of the moms was careful about content, I called and asked her if that was okay before showing it. She appreciated my contact.

I never want to be known as the house where something premature or unacceptable was introduced. It is each family's own business if and when they introduce any kind of media. This decision is not for any other person to make. Not an older sibling, grandparent or babysitter. It is up to the parents.

Heaven help you if you have family members or babysitters sabotaging you. Just don't be the neighbor or friend adding to it - kids are growing older at a rate much too young as it is and don't have the skills to handle their futures any faster.

If you need a nudge to believe me, just watch what no one even blinks at any more. We've been conditioned to normalize and laugh where we used to blink.  Culturally we have relegated caution to nostalgia. Let's bring it back and train the coming generations to age in a healthy sequence and not rush exposure to things they literally can't wrap their minds around til later. All that does is contribute to the plague of desensitivy.  And that really isn't funny.

Recipe For Family Failure

Thank you very not so much.

No matter what you say, I am going to hang on to what I want as a parent. Forget the situation and the mental health of the family. It is going to be the way I want it to be.

No matter what you say, I don't need to listen to you because I have the right ideas. I am the parent, not you. We are glutton-free and you don't even recycle so what do you know? I know most.

No matter what you say, I want it the way I have already been doing it even though it hasn't worked. I am going to keep doing it this way because it is THE way.

No matter what you say, I will disregard your expertise because I want what I want no matter what.
Even though I invited you into my life to give objective input, I'm right. Right?

No matter what you say, in times of crisis I will still demand the house runs as if everything is fine. Your suggestions fall flat because I will not budge so nothing works unless you make it happen my way.

No matter what you say, I will force my kid to do homework the way I want them to and not pay attention to their learning styles.

No matter what you say, I will continue to accuse and shame my kids thinking they will talk to me because I am the adult and they must be doing something wrong - or at least thinking about it.

No matter what you say about how to talk to kids, I will do it my own way and wonder why they won't talk to me when they are older...or in therapy... or in prison or rehab.

No matter what you say, it won't be my fault when my kid doesn't live up to my standards. It just shows where they failed. I can't fail. I can never fail. I'm a parent.  I'm right. I did everything I could.

Oh. Wait. Should I listen to someone else?

Mommie Love-Wiches

...This really should have been a separate blog, not just one blog entry...

When my kids hit Kindergarten, they each learned to make their own lunch or pack the money to purchase lunch at school. Lunch became their responsibility as part of their personal development. Oh sure, every once in awhile I drew a picture with a Sharpie on a hard-boiled egg or baked some cookies and tucked a note where they would find it. But lunch was their thing to deal with apart from me. If they forgot their lunch or lunch money, I did not fix it by rushing to school. They either received mercy from the school lunch lady or waited until they got home to eat again.

Over the school years with each of my kids (since they were born 10 years apart that covers a nice time span) I have witnessed countless moms receiving the phone call about a forgotten lunch and off they go to take care of it. They looked at me with their heads cocked in wonder as to why I would let my kids go hungry. It's simple, I told them, I want a kid who knows how to take personal responsibility and if I do this for them, they won't arrive at that conclusion yet. Eyebrows raised in wonder, they left me to go do right by their kids while I finished my coffee from the "coffee date" we were having.

Last summer before his senior year in high school, our son went to and graduated from Army Basic Training. Otherwise known as Boot Camp. It was 10 weeks of minimal sleep and high demand on his body, mind and soul. And he did it. 5% of the guys last summer didn't. Senior year as a mere student had a new meaning for him when comparing school to that major timeline achievement.

A few weeks into this school year, coming home disappointed with the lunches offered - and especially the portions - our son asked me one night if I would please make him a sandwich. "Sure," I replied. So I set about making a good sandwich for my hungry soldier-son-student. I didn't want him to be hungry and I knew he liked to combine meats from the times we've gone to Jimmy John's. When he came home the next day, he was both grateful and enthusiastic, saying he would rather eat a sandwich every day than have the allowance for school lunches we usually provided.

And so, my "Love-Wiches" were born.

In the months since that one September night last fall I have not made the same sandwich twice. (To date that calculates to over 85 different creations.) While I never intended to be so original, it has become our thing. Every night I tap my fingertips and thumbs together, smile like a mad scientist and set about making something he will enjoy and might even be surprised by. When I first started making the "Love-Wiches", his buddies loved to see what was between the slices and started a buzz to see what was next. One went home and even asked his mom to up her sandwich-making and when she asked him to describe what he meant, she replied "Yeah, no." On the day that kid proudly and eagerly showed the guys at the lunch table his mother's upgrade, my son was busy unwrapping myvery first  triple-decker Love-Wich. He laughingly told us how the buddy's face fell.

So Senior Year is my year to reward my son for his years of responsibility and show him how much I love him in a way that speaks to his heart. It isn't about saving the $ for the school lunches, it's about having fun surprising him and it does my heart good to hear him rave. As any mother of a teen guy knows, it is quite something to truly know that your message of love has been perfectly received and isn't something he gives you points for trying, but missed the mark.

Okay, you must be asking - what is in these lovey-doveys? Since each sandwich is truly different, I can only give you an example of my process. That's why I said I should have started another blog - to record these wonders.

Thanks to my older daughter, it starts with toasted bread. That means what's in there won't get soggy waiting in his locker 'til lunchtime. I always make two identical sandwiches the night before. Sometimes they are double-deckers. I don't use mayo or tuna, but just about anything else goes. Usually, I use some kind of flavored whipped cream cheese and spread it on the inside bread slices. Then, I open the spice cabinet and look for the "hot" ones like Onion Salt, Bacon/Ranch seasoning or a pork rub. Anything my son sprinkles on dinner meat is fair game. I'll put something like that on one side and Sea Salt on the other. If we have some recent bacon drippings on hand, I'll drizzle just a bit as a hint of flavor. Next comes some kind of crunch. That may be Chow Mien noodles, broken pita chips or even some lettuce or parsley.

Then comes meat #1 from whatever is in the fridge. It might be any kind of lunch meat, but it could also be sliced leftover chicken breasts or meatballs. You get it. After that I layer his favorite cheese slices, and then I think of  additives like sliced onions, garlic spread, Ranch dressing or Dijon. Next comes meat #2 and another cheese slice or two. I frequently use shredded carrots here, too. (More crunch and it's a veggie!) Sometimes I mix cheeses, sometimes I keep them the same. If the meats are spicy I use neutral a cheese. The time his sandwich was leftover Chicken Pad Thai, I used Swiss cheese and peanut butter.

The only sandwich failure was the time I thought it would be fun to use frozen waffles in place of bread. None of the lunch buddies could figure out that logic and even though it tasted "okay", my son gently asked if I "not do that creepy thing again".  His sandwich buddy once even brought home a (non-waffle) sample to show his mom who later told me "I can't do that" and we both had a chuckle about how I just look around and combine. Pouf!

Wrapping the Love-Wiches is fun, too. Depending on the type of bread used, sometimes I cut the sandwiches in half. I roll each 'Wich in wax paper and pack them inside a baggie. I've even used an empty bread bag to hold the goods. No reusable lunch bags or containers for an 18-year-old who doesn't need any "extra projects". Sometimes I add a cookie or candy cane or piece of fruit and yes, he does add to landfills with his post-lunch trash.

It gives me great pleasure to provide a hearty and healthy mid-day meal for my soon-to-be-out-of-the-house son, especially because he feels the love 100%. Many times it's hit and miss when parents try to let their kids know how much they are loved. I sure dig knowing I have hit so many home runs! And yes, even though he knows how to do this on his own, it's okay to just bless him for a few months.

Driver's Ed Begins in the Car Seat

That's right. I started teaching my kids the principles of driving right out of the womb. While it was intentional, it obviously wasn't structured. I was well aware that was a mere baby back there. No, it was just part of everyday life. After all, isn't that a moral obligation when you are in the top tier of the world's best drivers?

My kids grew up hearing me pray each time I started the car. They observed that we all buckle up and that if another car lets you merge, you wave "thanks". They watched us slow for pedestrians and keep a safe distance from the cars in front of us.

They heard me praying for the thoughtless drivers, too. Frequently overheard was something like this, "Dear Lord, please help the person who almost just ran us off the road to drive safer." One day when my son was three, someone was really driving poorly and I muttered, "Idiot." Unfortunately that introduced a new vocabulary word heard around the house. I had to sit with him and apologize for that one and then tell God - also in front of him - how sorry I was for using such a rude word. In the future I used a new made-up word when frustrated called "I -Dot". I taught my son it meant that someone wasn't using their whole brain when they needed to. Once my beginning reader asked from his backseat perch, "The sign says 4-5. Are we going 4-5 Mom?" We sure were...now that I knew my son knew the speed limit.

One of the biggest things my kids learned during their left and right brain development was that I prayed whenever we heard a siren. Even when we didn't know whether it was a fire truck or an ambulance going off, we lowered the radio volume and prayed for that sound in the distance announcing that people needed help for something. Just a short sentence prayer. I explained that we may be the only ones who had ever prayed for them, modeling the value of even one prayer.

Okay, so the foundation was set. We continued to drive and pray as our kids grew. When they were early teens, I started to provide more narrative. Once in awhile, I pointed out various drivers and what to watch for, or what not to do. (Like the day a guy in a pickup purposely didn't let us merge and nearly forced us of the road and then laughingly bolted into the open lane and sped by, proud of his terror-causing while girlfriend sat by his side. No, don't be like that and pray for a girl who thinks that is a good guy to date.) We began asking him to help navigate the map on road trips and help with directions to new places. Rather than just allowing them to remain a passive passenger, we made sure they recognized major roads and the routes to our regular haunts. Unlike some kids I have met, they could give directions to get home. A skill I found important one day when trying to drive my girl's school chum home and that kid had no idea where she lived.

When our son hit 15, I started the serious tutoring. Out came the earbuds every few car rides and he was to eagle eye everything I was doing and describe it. After one of these exercises, he remarked that it was hard to be so aware and alert. I told him he was right, it takes every bit of concentration and focus each time he gets behind the wheel. Because every time he turns the key in the ignition, he is taking his life and the lives of others in his literal hands. He learned to be careful in parking lots and watch for wandering little ones, and that if you see a ball roll in the street, kids will follow. If you see one kid on a bike, chances are there's another one coming. He learned not to let the car behind you ride your bumper and that you use turn signals before you turn - not while you are turning. And most important to me, he learned to start every single drive with a prayer.

In my thinking, just because a kid attains the legal age to obtain a permit does not mean that they automatically have the right to one. Before any child of mine slips behind the wheel, they have to prove they are teachable and that they listen. If they don't demonstrate that, they aren't going to drive...yet. I've heard parents say "No B's, no keys" and focus on academic performance before letting their kids drive. To me, it's the character of the person - not the GPA - that matters most. If they aren't listening to you at home, they aren't gonna listen to you saying from the passenger seat "slow down" or "watch out". You don't need to place your life in jeopardy in order to teach your willful teen to drive. So, wait until they have six months of consistent listening under their belts. If they still won't listen, remember you do not owe them a license - not like this. Let them wait until they are 18 if you have to. Then they can pay for all of it themselves.

If you are the parent who waits to observe evidence of maturity, kudos! You are protecting others as well. And so what if you have drive them around more in the meantime? Your momentary inconvenience is teaching a lifetime lesson. Driving is a privilege, not a right.

Speaking of privileges, I would not let my kids get their licenses until they had enough money to consistently pay for their car insurance and gas. My thinking: until they can pay the minimum, they can get rides. When they are out on their own, they will need to handle everything financial about the car they drive. This is the time - while they live safely with you who loves them - to introduce and enforce this adult-real-life concept. Don't make it easy for them, this is a huge responsibility.

If your kid demonstrates negligence, irresponsibility or carelessness, take away access to the keys. Especially if they are making life h*ll at home. I knew a mom who proudly told me her disobeying, lying kid was grounded from driving - except for going to and from school, his job and youth group. Grounded from what, then? That self-described perfect mom replied that she wasn't about to start driving him everywhere. The result? Ongoing arrogance from a kid who got their way. And another one of those dreaded drivers out there. I knew another mom who felt guilty if she drew the line and didn't let her kid get his license. He bullied her into it. Now there's a disrespectful, angry kid driving around. Mom didn't listen to me when I stated "please don't arm him - a car is a weapon". So I told her that I hope her kid never drives near my family, thank you very much.

When our girl was learning to drive, we lived in a state with strict driving laws. Once licensed, teens had to drive for an entire year alone before they could have a passenger along. That legislation curtailed a huge percentage of teen driver deaths. When our second child learned to drive in another state, we kept that "law" as a guiding principle. You bet they shouldn't have other people in the car. Too many distractions. Focus on the road, everyone. Please.

This is one of the most seriously concrete milestones kids experience. As parents, let's be selective about when we allow it to happen. There's absolutely no rush to increase a level of responsibility if they aren't ready.

So Don't Take a Shower Then

There's a reason you can't find boy pajamas to buy anymore.

I'm a skill-teaching, non-nagging, responsibility-training mother. Since they could barely move, my objective has been to teach my kids to be in charge of themselves. That includes their thoughts, their bodies, and their stuff. They need to learn personal responsibility in every area of their lives by the time they graduate high school.

In a realistic way, my kids have been taught that those are their shoes, their teeth, their grades and their bodies. Translated, this means that they put on and tie their shoes - not me. They put their shoes where they belong - not me. They brush their teeth and floss - not me. I have my own teeth. They do their homework - not me. I'll certainly help when asked, but if they don't care about their grades I am not gonna do the caring for them. I was already in that grade and don't need to review.

Bet you're thinking "but what if they fail?" Then they fail. Don't stand in their way. They have to want to do well more than you want them to - otherwise they won't know how to manage life later on, they'll just wait for someone out there to step in and guide their elbow. If they don't care, they will experience the natural consequences of poor grades. Reality will teach them about tutors, detention, summer school or even repeating a class. It might not take more than a failed test or it might take a failed class. If you let your child handle their own work and stay out of trying to fix it or babysit, they probably won't be as inclined to fail again. Wouldn't you rather have them fail while they are minors under your influence - safe in a loving home - than in a dorm room or apartment later on? If you believe it takes your constant reminding or presence in order for your child to do their homework or anything else, you are doing them a disservice. Yes, it may get done. But for the wrong reasons.

The same goes with bathing. Talk to any mother of a second grader. She will tell you in exasperation about the dreaded daily arguments it takes to get her kid to bathe. If it's a boy, she will add with her nose pinched how he doesn't care what he wears and wants to sleep in his clothes. When I tell moms of younger kids about how I handled it, some unwisely and innocently prophesize that it won't happen in her house.

For those of you focused so intently on the choice of public attire and necessity for cleaning rituals here's a promise: that same smelly kid who fights you to do the unthinkable and take a shower and might even (gasp) sleep in their clothes will become a teen who spends so much time showering it raises your water bill. If it's a girl, she will try on at least six outfits each morning and throw the rejected ones in her dirty clothes hamper for you to wash. (But you won't because you taught her how to do her own laundry when she was 10). Yep. That same guy who wore his red shorts day and night one summer will become interested in his hair and good-looking shirts. That messy girl will spend extended time styling her hair and putting on makeup. These frustrating days of "are you kidding?" and "I don't want to" will evaporate. I sure hope you don't have to share your bathroom...

When our kids went through their smelly, non-bathing stages we didn't nag and we didn't fret. We would state that it would be good to take a shower. If they protested, we walked away and let them stink. For days. We watched hair get greasy and shrugged at the idea of them enjoying their unkemptness. But we did not repeat ourselves or refer in any way to their obvious need to bathe. We did not argue. Guess what? It didn't take too many instances of stinking up the classroom at school for them to realize the important concept of regular bathing. Today, both of them laugh heartily at their prior stubbornness to do such a basic thing.

Letting them stink did not cause any harm and eliminated another potential nag-topic or battle of wills. So what if they didn't wear pajamas when they slept? Does it really matter or is it your issue? So what if they wear the same thing again? I say save your energy for the really big battles, not these little ones. If you waste your "authority" arguing over a shower you won't have it when you need to address sexual purity or drugs later on. Every time you establish yourself as controlling and intolerant, the chance of your kid being open with you with what they are really thinking shrivels a bit more until it's gone. Would you feel comfortable sharing with someone like that? During your parenting season, you will need to make some tough decisions and your kids will need you to be a role model they can talk to. Please don't jeopardize that by overreacting to things that do not matter in the long run. Think beyond what you want or how you had to do it as a kid.

And that outfit they wore five days in a row? Great idea! I do that now myself. It's very convenient when you don't see the same people every day. Especially if it is one of your favorites.

The Santa "Club"

I'm not talking membership, I'm talking that thing Fred Flintstone used to swing -- only invisible. The "club" parents use to reinforce their points. The thing they hold over their kids. That club.

We take small children barely comfortable with some close friends or relatives, dress them in their cutest outfits drag them to the mall and force them on the lap of a fake fat guy they've never even met. He says words not common in their everyday vocabulary like "Ho ho". At the same time educators and community volunteers are taught never to touch children, much less allow them on their laps. Side-hugs only people. Hello background checks. Yet in the name of that picture with Santa, we abandon all security measures and force a terrified toddler to climb on this stranger's lap and pretend it's okay. Teenage girls costumed as elves stand nearby jingling bells and waving feathers in order to distract the tears and catch that great photo op between frightened sobs. You can get your precious photo in about a minute and turn it into a coffee cup or t-shirt. If you are lucky, a proud mother with matching kid outfits will be sneering nearby because her darlings aren't afraid of strangers. Ooops. I mean Santa.

The crowning glory is when mall Santa looks down at the poor kid and then asks if they have "been good". Good? You know. Perfectly compliant. Doing everything parents want without so much as a blink. We all know what will happen if a child has not been "good" all year. It's terrible. Ever met someone who actually received a lump of coal? Most kids - even underprivileged ones - receive actual presents "from Santa".

Parents can add to their threats about "telling Santa" with the Elf on the Shelf. Introduced just a few years ago, this cute doll can be dressed as a girl or boy elf. Parents hide it around the house every night and kids wake up to see what hi-jinx Elfie has been into overnight. Most important: Elf reports in to Santa about kid behavior. So now there are two ways Santa can know everything.

At the risk of sounding like a scrooge, I submit it's all in the name of bribing children to "behave" and thus earn a present. It has nothing to do with actually impacting lifelong character.

Do we really want our kids doing things just to get a goodie? They aren't dogs. Every time I hear about a school teacher, piano instructor, Sunday School class or community program that rewards kids with pieces of candy, I cringe. If we teach our kids to perform for the sake of the reward without also teaching the moral equivalent, we have failed.

Yes, failed. That means your kids will do the "right thing" only for the goodie. Woof. Once the goodies are gone or your back is turned, they will be lost. Lost.

Is that what you want - a kid who looks good on the outside in front of your audience only when rewarded? Or, one that knows the difference and makes good choices on their own even when you aren't there to toss out a Hershey's Kiss?

How about for next year, parents employ Santa or Elf for fun and actually teach what it means to really "behave" and why? Resist the urge to use anything as a good behavior club. Those are empty threats anyway. Teach kids that presents are gifts, not rewards.Teach kids that sometimes we do things without expecting anything in return. That one sure is a head turner. Doing something just to do it? And actually trying to be good at it? Woa.

If we don't stop tossing out the rewards without substance, we'll deliver another  generation of young adults missing a moral compass only thinking about what subjectively adds to their lives. For more information on this, Netflix one of the versions of Stepford Wives or any other flick where things and prestige are more valued than character. Wait. You can just go out your front door, it's America without core values now.