Mommie Love-Wiches

...This really should have been a separate blog, not just one blog entry...

When my kids hit Kindergarten, they each learned to make their own lunch or pack the money to purchase lunch at school. Lunch became their responsibility as part of their personal development. Oh sure, every once in awhile I drew a picture with a Sharpie on a hard-boiled egg or baked some cookies and tucked a note where they would find it. But lunch was their thing to deal with apart from me. If they forgot their lunch or lunch money, I did not fix it by rushing to school. They either received mercy from the school lunch lady or waited until they got home to eat again.

Over the school years with each of my kids (since they were born 10 years apart that covers a nice time span) I have witnessed countless moms receiving the phone call about a forgotten lunch and off they go to take care of it. They looked at me with their heads cocked in wonder as to why I would let my kids go hungry. It's simple, I told them, I want a kid who knows how to take personal responsibility and if I do this for them, they won't arrive at that conclusion yet. Eyebrows raised in wonder, they left me to go do right by their kids while I finished my coffee from the "coffee date" we were having.

Last summer before his senior year in high school, our son went to and graduated from Army Basic Training. Otherwise known as Boot Camp. It was 10 weeks of minimal sleep and high demand on his body, mind and soul. And he did it. 5% of the guys last summer didn't. Senior year as a mere student had a new meaning for him when comparing school to that major timeline achievement.

A few weeks into this school year, coming home disappointed with the lunches offered - and especially the portions - our son asked me one night if I would please make him a sandwich. "Sure," I replied. So I set about making a good sandwich for my hungry soldier-son-student. I didn't want him to be hungry and I knew he liked to combine meats from the times we've gone to Jimmy John's. When he came home the next day, he was both grateful and enthusiastic, saying he would rather eat a sandwich every day than have the allowance for school lunches we usually provided.

And so, my "Love-Wiches" were born.

In the months since that one September night last fall I have not made the same sandwich twice. (To date that calculates to over 85 different creations.) While I never intended to be so original, it has become our thing. Every night I tap my fingertips and thumbs together, smile like a mad scientist and set about making something he will enjoy and might even be surprised by. When I first started making the "Love-Wiches", his buddies loved to see what was between the slices and started a buzz to see what was next. One went home and even asked his mom to up her sandwich-making and when she asked him to describe what he meant, she replied "Yeah, no." On the day that kid proudly and eagerly showed the guys at the lunch table his mother's upgrade, my son was busy unwrapping myvery first  triple-decker Love-Wich. He laughingly told us how the buddy's face fell.

So Senior Year is my year to reward my son for his years of responsibility and show him how much I love him in a way that speaks to his heart. It isn't about saving the $ for the school lunches, it's about having fun surprising him and it does my heart good to hear him rave. As any mother of a teen guy knows, it is quite something to truly know that your message of love has been perfectly received and isn't something he gives you points for trying, but missed the mark.

Okay, you must be asking - what is in these lovey-doveys? Since each sandwich is truly different, I can only give you an example of my process. That's why I said I should have started another blog - to record these wonders.

Thanks to my older daughter, it starts with toasted bread. That means what's in there won't get soggy waiting in his locker 'til lunchtime. I always make two identical sandwiches the night before. Sometimes they are double-deckers. I don't use mayo or tuna, but just about anything else goes. Usually, I use some kind of flavored whipped cream cheese and spread it on the inside bread slices. Then, I open the spice cabinet and look for the "hot" ones like Onion Salt, Bacon/Ranch seasoning or a pork rub. Anything my son sprinkles on dinner meat is fair game. I'll put something like that on one side and Sea Salt on the other. If we have some recent bacon drippings on hand, I'll drizzle just a bit as a hint of flavor. Next comes some kind of crunch. That may be Chow Mien noodles, broken pita chips or even some lettuce or parsley.

Then comes meat #1 from whatever is in the fridge. It might be any kind of lunch meat, but it could also be sliced leftover chicken breasts or meatballs. You get it. After that I layer his favorite cheese slices, and then I think of  additives like sliced onions, garlic spread, Ranch dressing or Dijon. Next comes meat #2 and another cheese slice or two. I frequently use shredded carrots here, too. (More crunch and it's a veggie!) Sometimes I mix cheeses, sometimes I keep them the same. If the meats are spicy I use neutral a cheese. The time his sandwich was leftover Chicken Pad Thai, I used Swiss cheese and peanut butter.

The only sandwich failure was the time I thought it would be fun to use frozen waffles in place of bread. None of the lunch buddies could figure out that logic and even though it tasted "okay", my son gently asked if I "not do that creepy thing again".  His sandwich buddy once even brought home a (non-waffle) sample to show his mom who later told me "I can't do that" and we both had a chuckle about how I just look around and combine. Pouf!

Wrapping the Love-Wiches is fun, too. Depending on the type of bread used, sometimes I cut the sandwiches in half. I roll each 'Wich in wax paper and pack them inside a baggie. I've even used an empty bread bag to hold the goods. No reusable lunch bags or containers for an 18-year-old who doesn't need any "extra projects". Sometimes I add a cookie or candy cane or piece of fruit and yes, he does add to landfills with his post-lunch trash.

It gives me great pleasure to provide a hearty and healthy mid-day meal for my soon-to-be-out-of-the-house son, especially because he feels the love 100%. Many times it's hit and miss when parents try to let their kids know how much they are loved. I sure dig knowing I have hit so many home runs! And yes, even though he knows how to do this on his own, it's okay to just bless him for a few months.

Driver's Ed Begins in the Car Seat

That's right. I started teaching my kids the principles of driving right out of the womb. While it was intentional, it obviously wasn't structured. I was well aware that was a mere baby back there. No, it was just part of everyday life. After all, isn't that a moral obligation when you are in the top tier of the world's best drivers?

My kids grew up hearing me pray each time I started the car. They observed that we all buckle up and that if another car lets you merge, you wave "thanks". They watched us slow for pedestrians and keep a safe distance from the cars in front of us.

They heard me praying for the thoughtless drivers, too. Frequently overheard was something like this, "Dear Lord, please help the person who almost just ran us off the road to drive safer." One day when my son was three, someone was really driving poorly and I muttered, "Idiot." Unfortunately that introduced a new vocabulary word heard around the house. I had to sit with him and apologize for that one and then tell God - also in front of him - how sorry I was for using such a rude word. In the future I used a new made-up word when frustrated called "I -Dot". I taught my son it meant that someone wasn't using their whole brain when they needed to. Once my beginning reader asked from his backseat perch, "The sign says 4-5. Are we going 4-5 Mom?" We sure were...now that I knew my son knew the speed limit.

One of the biggest things my kids learned during their left and right brain development was that I prayed whenever we heard a siren. Even when we didn't know whether it was a fire truck or an ambulance going off, we lowered the radio volume and prayed for that sound in the distance announcing that people needed help for something. Just a short sentence prayer. I explained that we may be the only ones who had ever prayed for them, modeling the value of even one prayer.

Okay, so the foundation was set. We continued to drive and pray as our kids grew. When they were early teens, I started to provide more narrative. Once in awhile, I pointed out various drivers and what to watch for, or what not to do. (Like the day a guy in a pickup purposely didn't let us merge and nearly forced us of the road and then laughingly bolted into the open lane and sped by, proud of his terror-causing while girlfriend sat by his side. No, don't be like that and pray for a girl who thinks that is a good guy to date.) We began asking him to help navigate the map on road trips and help with directions to new places. Rather than just allowing them to remain a passive passenger, we made sure they recognized major roads and the routes to our regular haunts. Unlike some kids I have met, they could give directions to get home. A skill I found important one day when trying to drive my girl's school chum home and that kid had no idea where she lived.

When our son hit 15, I started the serious tutoring. Out came the earbuds every few car rides and he was to eagle eye everything I was doing and describe it. After one of these exercises, he remarked that it was hard to be so aware and alert. I told him he was right, it takes every bit of concentration and focus each time he gets behind the wheel. Because every time he turns the key in the ignition, he is taking his life and the lives of others in his literal hands. He learned to be careful in parking lots and watch for wandering little ones, and that if you see a ball roll in the street, kids will follow. If you see one kid on a bike, chances are there's another one coming. He learned not to let the car behind you ride your bumper and that you use turn signals before you turn - not while you are turning. And most important to me, he learned to start every single drive with a prayer.

In my thinking, just because a kid attains the legal age to obtain a permit does not mean that they automatically have the right to one. Before any child of mine slips behind the wheel, they have to prove they are teachable and that they listen. If they don't demonstrate that, they aren't going to drive...yet. I've heard parents say "No B's, no keys" and focus on academic performance before letting their kids drive. To me, it's the character of the person - not the GPA - that matters most. If they aren't listening to you at home, they aren't gonna listen to you saying from the passenger seat "slow down" or "watch out". You don't need to place your life in jeopardy in order to teach your willful teen to drive. So, wait until they have six months of consistent listening under their belts. If they still won't listen, remember you do not owe them a license - not like this. Let them wait until they are 18 if you have to. Then they can pay for all of it themselves.

If you are the parent who waits to observe evidence of maturity, kudos! You are protecting others as well. And so what if you have drive them around more in the meantime? Your momentary inconvenience is teaching a lifetime lesson. Driving is a privilege, not a right.

Speaking of privileges, I would not let my kids get their licenses until they had enough money to consistently pay for their car insurance and gas. My thinking: until they can pay the minimum, they can get rides. When they are out on their own, they will need to handle everything financial about the car they drive. This is the time - while they live safely with you who loves them - to introduce and enforce this adult-real-life concept. Don't make it easy for them, this is a huge responsibility.

If your kid demonstrates negligence, irresponsibility or carelessness, take away access to the keys. Especially if they are making life h*ll at home. I knew a mom who proudly told me her disobeying, lying kid was grounded from driving - except for going to and from school, his job and youth group. Grounded from what, then? That self-described perfect mom replied that she wasn't about to start driving him everywhere. The result? Ongoing arrogance from a kid who got their way. And another one of those dreaded drivers out there. I knew another mom who felt guilty if she drew the line and didn't let her kid get his license. He bullied her into it. Now there's a disrespectful, angry kid driving around. Mom didn't listen to me when I stated "please don't arm him - a car is a weapon". So I told her that I hope her kid never drives near my family, thank you very much.

When our girl was learning to drive, we lived in a state with strict driving laws. Once licensed, teens had to drive for an entire year alone before they could have a passenger along. That legislation curtailed a huge percentage of teen driver deaths. When our second child learned to drive in another state, we kept that "law" as a guiding principle. You bet they shouldn't have other people in the car. Too many distractions. Focus on the road, everyone. Please.

This is one of the most seriously concrete milestones kids experience. As parents, let's be selective about when we allow it to happen. There's absolutely no rush to increase a level of responsibility if they aren't ready.

Letting Go

Our seventeen-year-old son left for Boot Camp last week . He'll be gone 9 weeks. Until recently, the longest this mushy mama had gone without seeing him was 10 days. That mission trip had sure seemed long at the time.

They didn't have him pack much - he's been outfitted from head to toe there - and we don't yet have a complete address to snail mail him. He texted they had landed safely, and we had a short phone call on the night they were locking up the cell phones. You could hear the hum of other guys on their calls home in the background.

Who sends their kid somewhere unknown with no stuff? When we sent his big sister to college, we knew where it was and she packed the entire car full of her stuff. Even though we probably didn't see her for 9 weeks, we could have. And we kept in touch by cell phone.  We knew what her dorm looked like, how the campus laid out and where the dining hall was. I knew every stitch of her clothing and what classes she would be taking and when. I even met her roommate.

We don't know anything about where our son has gone except what we can imagine. Having never been on an Army base, my only two frame of references are Gomer Pyle and M*A*S*H, 
neither of which are probably accurate.

I don't know what he will wear, or when, or why. I don't know when he will eat or sleep or what any facility looks like. I don't know his schedule. I don't know what will be taught to him. I don't know what he sees out the window every day or how many guys sleep in the same room. I don't even know what they call the room he sleeps in, barracks? I don't know how much free time he'll get, if any. I don't know how many people live and work at the base or how secure it is. I don't even know when we will hear from him next.

Yep. I don't know noth'n and we signed the papers to let him go.

When we first sent our daughter to college, I thought I was letting go. Nevermind that her dorm was only 45 minutes away and that we could talk any time we wanted to. We didn't talk that much and she came home just a couple of times, but for all intents and purposes, she was there. This was just my practice at letting go. By the time she left the time zone for a metropolis after college, I had been prepared for the big let go and no longer knew every detail about her life or decor. I just knew her.

This time, I get to practice on our youngest years earlier than anticipated in a much harsher manner. The Army has him. My prayers are less guided because I don't know what is going on, but I can pray for endurance and saftey. And as a mushy mama, I pray his drill sargent isn't a meanie.

People who learn about his summer all say the same thing: "He will come back a man." Well, I thought he was quite the man to even desire to enlist so I can't imagine the man we will be picking up in 8 weeks.

This time, letting go is more like having the rope cut for me. It wasn't my choice in timing, and I'm not protesting or clinging. I understand that this is the next step for him. I think he is learning about letting go this summer, too.

I couldn't be prouder.

Mandatory School-Based Sex Ed?

The International Planned Parenthood released a recommendation that children as young as ten years old should be taught “the pleasures of sex.” They did not mean the mechanics of sex, but how to enjoy it!

At the age of ten, a child is still very much a concrete-thinker. Abstract thinking begins to trickle in around age thirteen and takes the rest of the teen years to fully evolve. Concrete-thinkers are still absorbing what is told to them and are not able to filter nor understand adult concepts.

To burden a fifth-grader with the idea of sexual gratification at such a crucial development time is outright abusive. Why would anyone want to infuse a formative mind with something so controversial and devalue the true meaning of sex? The manipulative reason behind this surely has to be to encourage the financial profits in an industry that includes birth control and abortion available without parental consent in many states. This would retrain impressionable minds to become numb to something God-given, pure and beautiful and remove it's incredible value by turning it into a mere function or some kind of "right".

We can't teach kids the how before the why.

This issue will continue to challenge parents as our culture continues to water down the sacred. What do parents want to be considered special in their children’s lives? Will it be something moral or something material? Are all “special” things equal or are some so precious they should be reserved for...marriage?

Our obligation as parents is to teach our children the difference between purity and sex. Thanks to a world leader, a generation of kids now believe they can have oral sex and that their purity is not compromised. They still haven't really had sex, or have they?

Our kids need to know the why behind our reasoning when we tell them to wait until they are married to consummate their love. If we just say “don’t” and fail to give them a why, they won’t have anything to anchor the "don't" on. Let's tell our kids that the why is centered on knowing God - His perfect desire for our lives and therefore what we do with our bodies, with whom and the big "when".

My philosophy is to make sex education a natural, on-going process based upon our parent-child relationship. There is no single “big talk” but hundreds of little ones starting as soon as they can talk. Additional elements are introduced based on maturity. And at the right moment, you bet my kids know that it’s fun and feels good. But before they find out about that, they’ve been taught why God cares, how their body develops and what they can expect.

Communicating the truth about sex is probably the most important topic (aside from faith) on a parent's job description. It will impact futures and the lives of others – depending on what the kids understand and how they respond.

My favorite book that coaches parents on this topic is Dr. Kevin Leman's A Chicken's Guide to Talking Turkey With Your Kids About Sex. If you have a child, don't wait to read it. Read it when they're little and re-read as they grow. That pituitary gland gets into gear as young as second grade!

P.S. One of my favorite parenting workshops to lead is all about getting ready for adolescence and targets parents of kids second grade and up