"I Hate Homework"

Ever heard that comment? Of course you probably have!

I agree. I hate homework, too.

Public school teachers have a herd of kids to deal with all day long. Little personal attention is available to meet individual needs. Thus, "homework".

Homework used to be for reinforcement of a concept thoroughly introduced and covered in school. Like spelling words. Now, it's a whole new packet of expectations loaded into an overweight backback to be trudged home and diligently worked.

Hours of homework have now become a national expectation. Performance is even based upon time spent doing homework.

Sure, parents groan about it. But inside, I think they may like the idea that their kid is sitting somewhere doing a perceived productive thing that they can brag about to their friends. "Rufus spent
four hours each night doing homework!" = Smart kid. Not.

How completely boring is this? Being forced to sit and do a thing? What about something that totally grabs their attention and passion? Instead of sending a kid off to DO homework, what if they could be engaged and interested? EXPERIENCE the concept, not just read it and circle the answer with a number two pencil that needs sharpening.

When I home schooled our kids for chunks of time, there was no homework because we did the work during our school time. And, hark! Our school time did not last seven hours. More like  three or four and believe me, everything was completely covered. Wanna know why? Because there weren't 23 or 29 other kids to keep in line. Instead of herding a crowd, I was able to focus on the unique learning skills each kid needed.

And... we approached "school" from their learning style. My girl was a learner who needed a story or a pictute. My boy needed to touch and do it. I adapted curriculum in order to reach each of my kiddos. Public and private schools do not have such luxury. I smile when I remember all of the illustrated state fact cards my daughter made. We even laminated them. And I also smile when I remember my son pacing around and around the kitchen table as we worked on US History. Drawing touched her soul, sitting penalized my active son so we adapated and achieved the ultimate goal.

We only home schooled for periods of time, and as it turns out they were the right periods of time during each of my kids's lives. Being 10 years apart, this was during different eras.  I loved "getting inside" my kids' brains and spending close time with them and believe that my investment launched them into future school success.

But, gotta tell you. Homework badgering was never on my talking points.

And when I meet parents frustrated with the volume of homework expected on a daily basis, I groan in empathy. Perhaps they should take an idea out of the 2000's sit com "According to Jim"? Jim and Cheryl were frustrated with all the homework their kids had to do. Jim handled it by going to school and meeting with the teacher to lighten the load. Not a bad idea! But don't follow up like Jim did by saying the reason the family could not support all that homework was because mom Cheryl could not read.

Parents: Let's not allow schools to teach to one learning style and equate the number of worksheets completed as teaching. Yes, there is need for reinforcement. No, there is no need for busy work. Teachers need to ensure the students have grasped the concept enough to follow up at home.

Mom, Mom, Mom, Mommy, Mommy

Are you familiar with the animated TV show Family Guy? I'm not. Just the commercial where little Stewie stands in a doorway saying "Mom. Mom. Mom. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mama. Mama." His irritated mother sighs, "What?"

"Hi." That's all he wanted to say. Just hi. But he hammered away to get her attention first.

Most of us have probably felt exhausted from similar demands from our smaller kids. I know that's why I laugh at this commercial now. In fact my senior son and I have turned it into a joke.

Have you ever been at a friend's house engaged in a serious conversation when one of their kids trots into the room and asks for something? Perhaps even something they could do for themselves. "May I eat a carrot?" "Can I go to the bathroom?" "Will you pour me some water?" Anything like these I say they should be able to do for themselves. But I've seen the mom go get that carrot, interrupting the synch of our conversation at the same time scolding that kid she is talking with another adult.

What about when a sibling tumbles in and says the other one won't let them play the Wii? Or tattles about the mean face that was made? The mom marches to the foot of the stairs and calls out for all the kids to play nice, then returns to you with a sigh. A few minutes later both of these scenarios are repeated only this time it's too close to dinner so absolutely no snack. As they pour their own water, the mom says to you "Just a sec - Hey!! Don't spill on my clean floor!" then returns to the disjointed conversation.

Some moms can tell the future so they lecture ahead of time. You are on the phone this time and she pulls away to tell the kids they had better not drop those towels on the floor like the last time. Or, they see their kid doing a craft and have to tell them this very minute that the glue should be dotted like this instead.

All the while, you are waiting patiently to continue the conversation but by now you have lost your train of thought. The mom complains about how needy her kids are and how she can't get much done because of them.

She doesn't realize she has created all of this by the way they micromanage or hover. I like to call it helicopter  parenting. Always there, aware of everything going on and ready to direct, fix or opine. It's one of the worst things we can do as parents. Offering to guide and narrate everything going on in the house - or in their lives. When will it be okay for these kids to begin to make their own decisions? Are they going to wait until driver's ed class?

Start with the little things and build. Tell your kids they can play the Wii for whatever period of time you pick and that they have to work out their own turns. Then step out of it and go do something else. If one of them comes to tell on the other, calmly turn off the game. Repeat each time until they get the idea that their time with the Wii is their time - not yours to supervise. I believe kids as young as 5 should learn how to pour water and get simple snacks. Rather than teaching them to ask mother bird for every worm, establish guidelines where they have the freedom to serve themselves according to your household rules. If they don't follow, they don't get to do it next time.

Most moms will agree that as soon as they begin talking on the phone or visiting with another adult, their kids flock to their side suddenly in dire need to say something. Here's a simple "Interruption Technique" I like to teach. When your child has something to say, they come and stand quietly next to you and tap you gently on the arm, and wait. You continue to talk, but tap your child back on their arm. The "code" you just used without saying a thing was that he has something to say and you are  acknowledging him, and when you are done with your sentence he will be addressed. Kids love hearing they get to have a code with you! And if you are upbeat when you teach this, they'll follow. Tell them how great they are doing and you've just nipped a major chunk of interruptions out of your future.

I Didn't Treat My Kids The Same

Ever meet a family and wonder how one kid looks or acts nothing like anybody else? I love to look at features and movements and note familial similarities. Sometimes while walking behind a father and son as they enter Target I'll grin because they walk the same way or swing their arms the same. Once I saw a worried mother with her baby daughter in the cart with the exact same worried expression!

Most parents would say they tried to treat their children the same. If Tommy got a treat, so did Susie. It's only fair. If big sis gets her ears pierced at age 10, so will little sis. They all get to go to camp.

In my case I didn't treat my children the same for several reasons and in this order:
1. They were born 10 years apart
2. They had different temperaments
3. They were different genders
4. Our family situation was financially different each time

First-born daughter loved books from the moment she could sit up and hold a board book. She didn't want to be held and being sent to her room was paradise. There she could do her arts and crafts, draw or write. She read through the entire World Book Encyclopedia, one book at a time and remembered almost everything she ever read. School was important to her and so were her grades (for most of the time anyway).  Basketball was her love each year beginning in first grade.

She had a trust fund and wanted for nothing. Because of the trust, she was able to attend summer sleepover camps, including the prestigious Stanford Basketball Camp. She was able to purchase new wardrobes each school year as well as the class ring. She went to private schools and owned every piece of the uniform options. She had a cell phone and computer system rivaling most. She had great looking bedroom furniture. In addition, she went on several mission trips and vacations with high school friends. Thanks to her trust, she was able to apply to any college in the country and have all four years paid for. Anything we did as a family came out of the family coffers, not the trust. We lived in the same house through middle school and high school and enjoyed decorating and remodeling it.

Ten years later along came our son. I think the doctors blew the due date and induced him too early because he was smaller than a premie, jaundiced and screaming for weeks. When he finally hit 6 weeks old, the screaming stopped but he always wanted to be held. All the time. His favorite toys were rubbery, small and squishy. He was too impatient for books, although we could get through at least a bedtime story if we skipped some pages. He wanted to know how things worked. When he was 18 months old, we gave him a hammer and he went around our old deck hammering in nails. He was thrilled with parks, climbing towers and trees. School was and is a torture to be endured. In third grade all he brought home were pictures of dragons and monsters he drew during class. I worried that he didn't know how to draw people. If you sent him to his room he was mortified to be away from people. He tried a number of team sports but fell in love with skiing and going fast even more.

We lost our home and went bankrupt when he was 11 and I lost my job. Over the next few years we down sized, down sized and down sized again. We have sold or given away more stuff than we have. We weren't rich and we weren't hoarders, but all you need is a box or two of grandma's quilts and mom's china to start a pile. Not counting our home, we have moved 4 times in the past 5 years. The familiar homestead does not exist for our son. For him, the only thing familiar are the people. He got his furniture one piece at a time spread out over years. At one point, I noticed his feet looked too small for his 12-year old height and suggested we go buy a new pair of shoes. He had been curling his toes in order to spare us the shoe expense. The new pair I forced on him were 2 sizes bigger!

What a time to suffer financial hardship for a kid entering the expensive teen years. But as I reflect on it, it turned out to be a blessing. When things went south for us it was happening to a number of other families, too. When I would chat with worried mothers fretting about what they could no longer buy for their kids, I tried to get them to focus on the relationships first. Not that I liked counting every single penny but not having stuff wasn't as important as our relationships and our health.

We had to learn to wait for anything that wasn't going directly on the table. Even liquid hand pump soap became a luxury. We litterally saved our change for extras.  We learned together how to find the meat on sale and going to a movie became a very big deal. In short, we learned to appreciate the simple things and drew close in this quest. Here I thought we had been simple all along. But we went from buying Valentine's cards and gifts to making a special meal. We started a new family tradition.

Not only have I learned my children's temperments and love languages, I have learned to navigate life's challenges along with them. One thing that is the same is that they have been shown how to grow through trials and forge ahead.

Ever Been to Manners Camp?

When our son was 3, his 13-year-old sister was babysitting him one summer day. Fed up with his toddler table manners, she created his very own Manners Camp. Her curriculum included proper posture, placement of napkins and elbows and correct use of utensils. They practiced over and over. When I got home, she eagerly informed me that her little brother had gone to Manners Camp and done very well. I'll never forget the smile of accomplishment on her face as he proudly demonstrated sitting at the table and chewing with his mouth closed. Just one visit to that "camp" made a big difference in his life.

As I navigate a typical day and encounter different people, I wish everyone could go to Manners Camp. Aside from teaching proper table manners, a few more topics need to be covered. It's a head-scratcher why those in authority over impressionable children do not work on training basic polite behavior that includes the fact that there are indeed other people in the world beside ourselves.

1. No spitting unless it is in your bathroom sink.  Argh, I've had huge wads of spit ejected out of male mouths ages 5 - 55 walking right in front of me. Sometimes I have to step around the glop they left on the sidewalk. Teen boys are the worst offenders, but dads do it too. When they do that, they are displaying a lack of concern for anyone else.

2. Have your conversations in public off to the side - not in the middle of an aisle in a store. What are other shoppers supposed to do, go around you while you block their way and chat on? If you stand off to the side you can have your conversation and others can shop. Double win. Last week I hit the jackpot - two middle-age men stood chatting in the middle of the parking lot lane completely oblivious to me in a car trying to get past them! I had to sit and wait for them, no kidding. Where did they learn to ignore a 3,000 ton vehicle much less other person?

3. Don't interrupt unless it's an emergency. This one really bugs me, especially when I am speaking to an adult and their kids burst in. Rather than tell their child not to interrupt, many will pause our conversation to answer the kid demand. All that does is teach them that it is acceptable to keep one's needs at the top of the list. I love it when kids who have been trained to be polite stand quietly at the elbow of an adult patiently waiting their turn to ask their question.

4. Clean up after yourself...and even others as you go. This is so easy and expeditious. Just bring your empty glass to the sink when you are done. Take the one next to it along. Walking back upstairs? Bring any item you know belongs there rather than leaving it for a return trip. Getting out of the car? Don't forget your empty water bottle and any other trash sitting around. This demonstrates the concept of thoughtfulness.

5. Hold the door open for others. This common courtesy has all but vanished in North America. Even when my youngest was in a stroller 16 years ago, businessmen entering a coffee shop right in front of me would let the door slam in our faces. Just. Plain. Rude. We can all do with some more thinking about the person coming after us, especially if their arms are full.

6. Say Thank You. And when you do it, make eye contact and smile. When I shop, clerks hand me my purchase and say "there you go" or "have a nice day." Kids of all ages must learn to thank someone for a kindness, and when they are old enough to work or babysit, they need to say thank you to their customer. I used to try to have my child write the thank-you note before even playing with the gift.

7. Replace the empty roll of toilet paper. How many times have you been stranded in the Loo because the person who last used the facility took the last bit of toilet paper? Even if you are at a friend's house, let the host know the roll is empty. Don't send the message that even what you do in the Loo is more important than anyone else by leaving them without this basic need. This is the ultimate insult to others.

Failure to teach our children these simple acts of humanity will result in the dreaded rude drivers of the future. Rude drivers are the ultimate gasp on my Bad Manners list. You know who they are. They are the ones who won't let you merge even with your turn signal on. The ones who speed up so you can't get in or are trying to slow down so you can turn. The ones who give you the rude finger gesture for being in their way...and then they go home and say hello to the wife and kids. Do you want your kids to be that father? The one who behaves rudely in public but is nicer to those he knows by name? I don't. This selfish behavior started a long time ago by what wasn't taught when the opportunity was there.

Make the most of your Manners Camps while you can, so you can launch an adult who recognizes there are others in the world beside themselves. Too bad that is such a novel concept in this self-indulgent age.

...Trying to make a dent...

Catching a Wild Squirrel

Ever tried to catch a squirrel? I did when I was in third grade. We were at Nana’s house and found an old bird cage in the attic. Now, what could be better than making a trail of nuts leading to the door of the cage? Watching from the front steps, we waited for a squirrel to fall for our trap. It didn’t take long for one to pounce its way – peanut by peanut – to the cage door. After each swallow, she would jerk her head up and look left and right. Satisfied that nothing was going to get her, she continued her way right into that rusty white bird cage.

None of us expected the door to slam shut the way it did. I guess it was the weight of a squirrel occupying a cage meant for a tender bird. BAM! Our squirrel was suddenly in prison – and she didn't know what had happened or what to do. She began to screech, jump and throw herself against the curved walls of that cage. We were terrified and screamed for Nana.

As we clung to each other from the safety of the door to the house, Nana calmly walked up to the cage, said something soothing to the squirrel and lifted the hatch door. Our experimental pet bolted out as if shot by a cannon.

Those moments where the terrified squirrel screamed and thrashed inside the attic bird cage have remained etched in my mind to this day.

What does this have to do with parenting? It reminds me of the day I tried to teach my kindergartner how to swallow a pill.

The medicine she needed for her ear infection only came in a pill that had to be swallowed. We had been working on the chew-able ones but never the swallowing kind. I got her pill ready along with a small glass of water and set them on the kitchen counter, then called her over to me. Casually, I explained that because her ear infection was so bad, the medicine that the doctor wanted her to take for it came in a special pill for her to swallow. Mommie would show her how it’s done and she could go right back to coloring.

No sooner had I delivered what I believed to be one of my more successful intros than she turned into that caged squirrel at Nana’s house. Only this time she was banging into the kitchen cabinets and writhing on the floor howling with anticipatory fear. No amount of coaxing could get her to stand up, much less lift her chin from the place on her chest where she had embedded it.
I am not exaggerating when I say that it took me 90 minutes of gentle talking, soothing sentence-prayers and patience while sitting on the kitchen floor near her to calm her. Finally, she was able to “de-squirrel” herself and listen again. She took a deep breath and we stood up. I told her what to do and she bravely followed each step. One small gulp and the pill had entered her system, ready to do its work.

“Well that’s easy!!!” my accomplished girl proudly declared. After a congratulatory hug, she was off to finish coloring, but we both knew a significant step had been reached on her journey toward growing up.'

That girl is now a young wife with more to celebrate than swallowing a small pill, but I treasure each and every detail that leads up to the gifted woman and friend she has become.

Wait!

One of the things I have taught our dog to do is to "wait". She is very excited to go for car rides, but our cars are outside. We exit through the garage and she has learned to wait once we hit the garage door opener. At first she will run wildly toward the opening door, but upon hearing me caution her to "wait", all 11 pounds of her skids to a halt. She retraces her steps and walks out to the car with me. She has learned that being careful keeps her safe, and her reward is the coveted ride in the car.

Many parenting checklists cover certain skills our children should master by when in order to function well socially. By fifth grade, one of the things our kids should have learned to do is to wait.

While I completely agree, I think that in technologically microwaveable instant messaging text savvy DVRing Googling North America that is asking a lot for today's Kindergarteners.

They have never known life without a smart phone, microwave, DVR, drive-through Starbucks or take-home pre-cooked dinners from the deli section of Target. Their parents can Google and download coloring pages, craft ideas and get online to read their report cards. They can play games with the tap of a finger on an iPad or the click of a mouse if their family is still so old school as to own a computer that sits at a table. If they really, really need a toy or a book their parents can go to Amazon.com find it and instant click. It will be at the front door - no shipping fees applied - within a day. Unlike babies of bygone eras, they were handed an iPhone to play with while mommy had coffee with friends. Forget those car keys! These kids have grown up technologically far more intuitive than their families (or even older siblings) and have no logical reason to wait for anything.

Yet that is exactly what we must do - teach these incredible kids to do a thing so culturally foreign to them. They must learn to wait.

Waiting will teach patience and respect for others. Waiting will teach unselfishness and self-control. Waiting will teach objectivity, anticipation, preparation and sacrifice. Waiting will teach children about creation and beauty.

You can't plant a seed and get a sunflower right away - you have to watch it grow. While it is growing you can care for it and watch what God created. You can't have a birthday every day, but you can plan a party the month before and have fun counting down and learn what it means to look forward to something out of our control but certainly on the calendar. Where we live many young girls grow their hair out for Locks of Love, then donate their year of work. They had to watch and wait for their hair to be long enough before this non-profit could accept their hair for cancer patients.

Today's parents have a lot of contributing forces that are definitely convenient for family life and are indeed blessings, but if we aren't careful we may turn out a generation of impatient or impersonal people who can't relate face-to-face, manage their finances or everyday lives. I think we have to share our appreciation for what we can "instantly" do or get (like Googling the answer everyone is arguing about as to the average age of a Pony Express rider), yet tempering that by making sure our brainiac can also treat others kindly and with love and have a solid sense of self-control by waiting their turn or saving for that toy.

What if we taught our kids that waiting was fun, not something to be overcome?

I gotta go now, my microwave popcorn is done...