That's Not Funny, Steve Carrell

One of the funniest actors I enjoy is Steve Carrell. His ability to hold his face neutral while delivering inane dialog and get a huge laugh is admirable - and absolutely hilarious.

Recently he was on Jay Leno sharing a requisite "funny family story".  Apparently he accidentally rented an R-rated movie to show at his 9-year-old's big sleepover. They saw Predator. And now, chuckled dear Steve, he's known as "that dad" at his son's school.

That would be the dad who opened the door ahead of time. The dad who laughingly used poor judgement. The dad who permitted explicit media in his home geared toward a much more mature audience. Not only "that dad"... but the one who trumped the authority of other parents and choose for them. Repeat: he made the choice for other parents. That is not funny.

Parents: Never be the one known for having loose standards or the house where kids can get away with things. Never ever ever decide something so big as when a child will be introduced to mature content for another parent's kid. It's okay to go for it with little things like cookies or ice cream, but never anything as big as exposing someone else's child to material generated for older age groups. Carrell thinks most of the movie "went over their heads". Wait a few years for their vocabularies to grow and ask again. He was wrong.

No, Steve Carrell my favorite comedian and charming man, no. You blew something bigger than that one sleepover night and turned it into a "funny story thing".  This is much more than that. And what you did, you can't erase. You caused imprint on children's minds. Imprint that will weave its way through their current frame of references and leave acid droppings and questions on their future snapshots as they filter experiences and images while they continue to mature and develop. On behalf of the other parents, thanks for nothing. That was negative imprint.

Parents must respect other parents and err on the side of modesty. Much better to ask forgiveness for offering red meat  than a virtual introduction to "mature content". The red meat vegetarian parents don't want their kids to eat can leave the body within 24 hours, thoughts are there forever. This error cannot be apologized away. It's there.

Steve did not do this intentionally, I'm sure. He just wasn't on alert as a parent. The greatest influence we have on our children enters through their eyes and minds. Something many adults fail to place a high value on. The shorter ones are absorbing more than you think and watching you carefully. Humbly recognize this and adapt accordingly.

We held a lot of family events at our home where the kids ended up in the family room downstairs for a period of time. Our kids were in charge of monitoring which videos were watched and which video games were played. It was G only when other kids were over. Yes they resisted at first about my insistence that none of the other games we allowed them to play would be accessed for a couple of hours, but respected my request. When our daughter was 13 and hosting a slumber party, the girls wanted to watch a PG 13 movie. Knowing one of the moms was careful about content, I called and asked her if that was okay before showing it. She appreciated my contact.

I never want to be known as the house where something premature or unacceptable was introduced. It is each family's own business if and when they introduce any kind of media. This decision is not for any other person to make. Not an older sibling, grandparent or babysitter. It is up to the parents.

Heaven help you if you have family members or babysitters sabotaging you. Just don't be the neighbor or friend adding to it - kids are growing older at a rate much too young as it is and don't have the skills to handle their futures any faster.

If you need a nudge to believe me, just watch what no one even blinks at any more. We've been conditioned to normalize and laugh where we used to blink.  Culturally we have relegated caution to nostalgia. Let's bring it back and train the coming generations to age in a healthy sequence and not rush exposure to things they literally can't wrap their minds around til later. All that does is contribute to the plague of desensitivy.  And that really isn't funny.

Survivor Parenting

Are you a parent going through a crisis? You and your kids have stared horror in the face. At first you learned to put one foot in front of the other and a pot of dinner on the table.  You watched yourself go through the motions. Then reality and adrenaline hit and you went into survivor mode - doing everything a fierce parent-bear would do to protect their cubs. You and your kids bonded while learning to fight the battle and survive the war. You are survivors!

This is a toughie. Those of us who once navigated terror have come out on the other side, shaking off the dust or the water beads. We have traveled to hell and back, clung to each other and prayed fervently. I often refer to this as having crawled under the barbed wire together.

At some point, the active horror ends. What do we do then with our "escapee-survivor" relationships? How do we move on and leave this terror as a dot in the rearview mirror?

I've met two kinds of  "escapee-survivors". The sad kind that continue to live and define themselves by reliving it and giving it space in their mind and heart, and the amazing kind who survived a prison camp but you wouldn't know it by the lives they lead. Then of course, I've met those who misuse the word "crisis" and apply it to something polar opposite such as a messy bathroom while pregnant. One woman was "in crisis" and couldn't cook dinner. When the church meal brigade stopped over with an entire dinner for the family, she was out getting a manicure. These people I run from, but I will sit by the side of anyone wanting to work through and conquer any day.

So just how do we go from the horror to moving ahead without wrecking our kids?

First of all, recognize that this will take some time to fully accept and process. You may have some forgiving to do, too. Just because it will take time doesn't mean you can't make steps. One of those should be to the office of a qualified counselor. Find someone with experience in your area of need and be aware that this crisis may trigger other issues. A good counselor will help you identify and manage your triggers. Your children may need counseling, too. Again, find one experienced in the area they need help. Don't be shy about asking questions on the phone.

Second, take care of yourself. Bubble baths, warm showers, naps. And if you're a girl, sure why not get a manicure? (Just don't tell the church you can't cook dinner.) The point is to treat yourself kindly. You need your strength, whatever it is, to deal with the kids. Do not put yourself in social positions that could add to your pain. Getting divorced? Don't feel obligated to attend a wedding. Limit what you read or watch to things that won't remind you of your crisis. In short, be careful. The more self care you provide, you will be able to parent in a calmer manner.

Third, watch who you confide in. You do not need many confidants. Recently I met a mom in a really tough situation so I was giving her support - until I found out she had 7 others on her chat list. Then I told her to reign in select carefully. You do not need to hear yourself repeating sad or bad things over and over. And not everyone can support you. The best crisis advice I received was from two good friends who came to me and told me they would be my PR. So instead of answering mail, messages and the door - they took over and filtered for me. They gave out just the right amount of information for my privacy and shouldered my burden. My load felt so much lighter and my days were not as heavy.

Fourth, return the household to consistent operations as quickly as possible. Kids are most secure with schedules and expectations made clear. With everything that is going on, they need to know that comfort now more than ever. Even if you have changed your living arrangements, you can still eat at the same time and have that bedtime story. This will be soothing for you, too.

Fifth, resist the temptation to confide in your kids or rely on them to take an adult's place. They are still kids even though what they have seen and experienced is beyond what you would ever want them to know. As much as you want to have fun with them - and you should - they are not your friends.  They need you to be the adult. They want the hierarchy in place - don't take it away from them. You don't need to give more information than is age appropriate for them to handle.

Finally, picture your lives moving along out loud. Envision what the rebuilt home will look like. Talk about positive things. You don't want to act as if the crisis never happened, but you do not need to relive it daily either. I've met both extremes and neither is healthy. Find the healthy balance and stay in that zone.

Never estimate the power of a grunted prayer. You may be so broken that's all you can get out. You may not have the words to share with God, but God is still God. The good news is that he is beyond our words and is right there with you amidst the grunts and swollen eyes crying on the bedroom floor. The more you pray as you go through and move past, the more trust you will have and the more you will be reminded that the Creator of the Universe truly has you in the palm of his hand - all the time.

My prayer for any reader in crisis is that one day, it will become a speck in your rearview mirror and you too can encourage others.

More Than One Hour Each Week

167 hours. Minus the one hour on Sunday when your kid might be in Sunday School, that's what you've got at home each week to influence your child for God. Subtracting five 8-hour school days, you're left with 127. Hopefully they sleep at least 8 hours each night, so that puts you at 87 hours. Not bad.

1 vs. 87.

If we rely only on that one hour at church each weekend to deeply impact our children, we're fooling ourselves.

Most kids are in public school and endure forty hours of influence. They are learning more than what is taught by the teacher and developing filters and assessments they wouldn't even think to articulate. They just think it is a part of going to school and doing life.

So what do we do?

We find ways to weave God's truth into everyday lives in everyday moments. We ask God to make us aware and alert, something every ancient Hebrew family knew by heart:

"Listen, O Israel! The Lord is our God, The Lord alone. And you must love The Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." Deuteronomy 6:4-9.

Aiming to teach our kids that God loves us is our highest calling. Placing enough information and experience in their lives so that they decide for themselves to follow God is more important than dance lessons and soccer teams. They can always do that, but their hearts won't always be open and we can't recapture those natural, teachable moments to show our kids the power and awe and truth of God.

Not a Bible scholar? No problem. Neither were those Hebrew parents. They just taught a few verses over and over! Now we have all kinds of resources to equip us, starting with the Bible. Be assured that when Jesus said "let the little children come to me" he wasn't only talking about kids. Admit what you don't know and try your best, God always honors that. And bit by bit, you will be surprised at what you have learned and shared. A friend of mine didn't think she knew enough, either but her desire was to train her young girls. Guess what? She lead them both to accept Christ. That nervous mom trusted God to make her words make sense. Today she confidently continues to share God's truth and is growing with her kids. God loves your children more than you do, remember that.

So what are some simple teachable moments?
- Looking at the stars, tell the story of God's promise to Abraham
- Driving in the car, notice other drivers' behavior and pray for them
- Teach them to pray every time they ride their bike or use scissors
- Start and end the day with short, simple prayers
- Pray aloud for every siren you hear, for the people who need help, for safety
- Notice the details in the changing seasons and share how God has ordered the world
- When coloring, comment on the name of the color and how God made the colors
- Create a "thankful jar" and collect notes for a month, then read as a family
- While listening to the news, pause the radio or TV and pray for what is going on
- Hold the door for others, put trash in public waste cans
- Enjoy pictures of unusal creatures and talk about how God made them all - He made us!
- When correcting wrong behaviour, let them know they also need to apologize to God
- Let them see you honoring their other parent

All of these ideas are what I call "by the way" acts. You were already doing it or going there, so why not just add a sentence or a phrase about God? I like to listen to the Dr. Laura radio program in the car and I can't tell you how many great chats her calls have inspired between me and my kids. None of this requires an extra bit of schedule, just a bit of effort to stop and call attention to God in our everyday lives. Pretty soon it will be a habit and before you know it, you will have added years of meaningful influence to your child's growing soul.

Then, that one hour on Sunday is adding to the foundation you have already laid and you can partner with your children's ministry team for even greater impact.

Why I'm Thankful For My Food Allergy

When I was in college I had a severe allergic reaction to a hot dog bought from a street vendor. My throat closed up, my lungs lost their power and I began coughing incessantly. By the time I got myself to the ER, my hands, feet and face were swollen and the cough was worse. While waiting for the attending physician to see me, I caught a glimpse of my face in the mirror. It had swelled to nearly twice its size. My eyes were slits. I was unrecognizable. In addition to this disfigurement, every swollen location itched like crazy. They injected me with enough cc's of something to halt the symptoms and told me to visit my family doc at the next break. It took 3 days for the swelling to subside.

The diagnosis? A severe allergic reaction that was unexplainable at the time and determined to be freakish and unlikely to happen again.

Three years later it happened at a New Year's Eve party. A year after that it happened again with a pizza. That time the ER doc told me to visit an allergist where it was determined that I was seriously allergic to any man-made meat product coming from a pig. This includes ham, bacon, hot dogs, pepperoni, salami and pork. Something containing pork had been in each episode.  Apparently while I had grown up eating all of the above, my system no longer tolerated this food and if I consumed it, I would go into anaphylaxis shock. I began to carry special pills and later an epi-pen in order to combat a reaction should I learn I had consumed pork.

Over the years I have been amazed at how many restaurants add bits of pork to their recipes. Thanks to being aware and asking questions at every pot luck and restaurant, it has been years since any episode. I have met others with severe food allergies to shellfish and peanuts, wheat and other foods and fully respect their needs for hand-washing and certain foods not to touch others.

Why can I be thankful that I can't eat that Easter ham or have bacon with my eggs anymore?

Because my kids have grown up knowing that something simple that doesn't affect them can make mom really, really sick.They live the reality that everyone's body reacts differently and have seen what it means to be cautious.

This has been the absolute best illustration when we talked about experimenting with sex and drugs.  Reading about the nice boy on the basketball team who tried cocaine once and died of a heart attack at age 16 or the girl at the party who did something once and got an STD become more powerful because I can't eat a hotdog.

I have tried to teach my kids that in certain situations, due to the strength of the drugs and increased types of STDs, sometimes they don't even get one chance to mess up. That one time could be the time that takes their life, or sentences them to a lifetime of medical treatment and explanations to a future mate.

More than anything, I want them alive and healthy. Because I can't eat hotdogs, they have learned the level of their responsibility required to make that happen. What affects our bodies is very real and unpredictable so taking a chance is a risk not worth taking.

Man, am I glad I can't eat hotdogs.

Note: Don't wait til your child is an older teen to begin this conversation. Start with light comments at age 8 and be specific by age 12. Remember, they are growing older younger.

How to Tell if a Church Values Kids

Combining 14 years experience in 5 churches in various stages, sizes, denominations and locations with my personal experience as a parent before becomng iinvolved in children's ministry, I have some candid observations. These observations are directed to families coming in the door looking for a church home.

For me it's a given that you select a church that values kids regardless of whether or not you have kids, or if your kids have aged out of any programs, and whether or not you are even married. A heathly church recognizes the next generarions on the way and affirms Christ's mandate to love children.

Let's define "children". For me, that is anyone in the womb up to highschool graduation. The current buzz word refers to these groups as "Next Gen".

It goes without saying that everyone who works with a child from birth-18 must have a background check. No one should be allowed near a child without this screening. Additionally, no worker should ever be left alone with a child. Furthermore, workers must be interviewed and trained and regularly encouraged.

Church growth studies state that young families will come to a church that has a great nursery and preschool and clean restrooms. They will stay based on their experiences in service.

So first of all, notice the condition of the nursery. The littlest ones. Do they have proper leader-to-baby ratios? Is there an adult in the room? How many children constitute a "nursery" at this venue and what is the age range? Is the area clean and safe? Do you have a method of checking your child in or out? Where are the doors? Is the equipment new and clean? Are age-appropriate toys available? What is their parent contact plan? How long will they allow your child to be in distress before they contact you? What is the well-child policy? How are the workers trained? And finally, do they have a curriculum they are using or are they just babysitting?

Yes, there are curriculums out there for babies. They include a take-home CD for parents to play the very same music at home their child hears at church as well as monthly parent pages providing tips of things to do at home. These curriculums also provide a short "lesson" for each month with simple graphics. Class time at this age obviously doesn't invlove sitting around a table, but while they are held and played with the leaders are telling them and showing them how God loves them.

Don't attend a church that doesn't honor children from infancy on up.

For toddlers and preschoolers, check again for the adult-to-child ratios. Note how the church divides these age groups. Linger or stay in the class the first time your child is there. Note how each child is welcomed and how the hour is scheduled. Is there an intentional plan or are the children merely roaming for an hour? What curriculum is being used? Are the leaders outgoing, engaging and nurturing? What is the policy for parent contact should a child need comfort or is misbehaving? It is common for snacks to be served at these ages, and usually it is a mini cup of cheerios. Find out what the snack/alergy policy is, especially if your child has any alergy. Will the whole class wash their hands before and after eating? How often are the toys sanitized?

Don't attend a church that doesn't sanitize the nursery, toddler and preschool area after each use.

Kindergarters may have their own class or be combined with kids a year younger or older depending on the size of the church. They should never be combined with babies or young preschoolers because their developmental capabilities are not a match. Again check out how welcoming the leaders are, what is going on in the room to capture your child's immediate interest and what the room looks like. At this age, your child can understand some basic theological prinicples and curriculum and activities should be structured to explain God's love. There should be less play and more teaching going on at this level.

Don't attend a church that expects your child to sit and listen for an hour, they need to move and their attention spans are one minute for every year of age.

Early elementary kids should be kept separate from middle and upper elementary age kids. The larger the church, the greater the chance that they can provide enough leaders to accomplish this. Ask how music, drama, art and videos are used in the teaching. Stick around for the opening portion of the class to see how the weekly point is introduced. Are there take-home resources for the parents either via hand out or online? How are parents communicated with?

Don't attend a church that doesn't provide you with at-home resources (at least through elementary grades) and merely views themselves as a once-a-week stop in your schedule.

Children are growing older younger. What is the church doing to acknowledge your 5th and 6th graders? Are your older elementary kids and middle schoolers given an opportunity to train in an area of service? (Tech, drama, nursery to name a few) What about mentoring high schoolers? Is there a break-out group honoring the in-between kids and what is it? Do they teach to all learning styles? Who are the teachers?

Don't attend a church that doesn't have regular, recognizable volunteers who will get to know your kids. They don't need to see a parade of 'warm bodies' each week. The lack of regular volunteers tells you that the message from the stage does not support next gen ministry and leaves those areas to fend for themselves.

You can easily find out what the church thinks about kids upon your first visit by noting how you are welcomed and where you have to go to drop your kids off. Or if they are even welcome in the service with you! Pick up the bulletin and notice the words used to describe ministry to kids. If you see the word "childcare", that is code for babysitting and represents a stunted mind set. That church will not know how to coach you in your most important role in life much less provide strong lesson plans, but your kid will get a sucker. The wording for all age levels should use active verbs that compell you to enthusiastically offer your child that experience.

Note how much print space, announcement space or power point graphics are regularly devoted to the next generation in the weekly services and web presence. If you see endless studies, projects, prayer groups and tryouts for choir, you will see what is valued most. If you are told there is only one way to be a fully devoted member of the church, be wary. If the one way is a spiritual growth plan, fine. If the one way is to care more about say, small groups than anything else... find that in the Bible first before continuing on.

If you see more PR for all-church events than for kids, that means the money and manpower is also forced there. Volunteers for kids will step away from their regular area in order to help with what they perceive is the really big and important thing, leaving gaps and thus undervaluing kids. Do you want your kids valued whole-heartedly or intermittantly?

Have a child with special needs or a special circumstance? Contact the head of that department ahead of time. Effective people in these roles have the time to meet with you and learn your story and can partner with you to make the experience positive. Are you new to town or new to church? Again, contact the pastors/directors over the ministries for your kids and share with them! I remember giving one family a tour of the church, showing them where everything happened for each age. Until that day they had never set foot in a church and appreciated knowing what was to be expected. They ended up developing relationships with Christ and becoming very active members.

Don't attend a church that doesn't celebrate children.

Several years ago I heard about a 1,000-member church in Southern California that made a radical decision. The members were largly comprised of adults no longer having children left at home. A new Senior Pastor stood on stage and told the people that they were going to be about one thing: developing the next generation for Christ. If they wanted to stay and be part of this focus, great. If they didn't like this, they were welcome to find another place to worship. Guess what? Most of the people stayed to make a difference! And yes, a by-product was an influx of families with kids. I admire his guts and wish there were more people like that in ministry. People who put truth before budget and numbers. People who don't try to please everyone and thus net nothing in the long run. People who confidentally define themselves and go for it 1000%. Bet you this pastor wasn't following someone else's book!

Recently I was asked by someone attending a church for six months if they should pursue membership yet. Knowing that this church did not value the next gen the way I have described above, I encouraged her to watch and wait.

Don't rush to "get married" to a church. Give it time and seasons as you observe and experience who they are.

Let's Pray

I see and hear lots of prayer requests in many forms. There isn't a day that someone on Facebook isn't asking people to pray for a co-worker, baby or body part. A few days later I sometimes even see a jubilant "thank you" to all those who were praying because the prayer worked.

Okay, that's not why they were thankful, it was because they experienced a positive outcome. They got a "yes" to the question they had asked the Creator of the universe. Therefore, they were rejoicing in their answer to prayer.

I think it is a mistake to teach children that a "yes" from God = answered prayer because that leads to the thinking that a "no" must mean unanswered prayer.

How often do we all entrust the deepest desires of our hearts to God and wait with baited breath for him to say yes? Note that I did not say wait for him to answer, because if we are all honest don't we want him to always say yes? My family has been waiting over five years for God to make clear our paths. The fog has lifted here and there but none of us can say at this point that God has answered our biggest and longest-prayed prayer.

What we need to teach children is that prayer is not about the answer we get or when we get the answer. Prayer is about releasing our need into God and stepped back in trust. I will say this again because I really need to hear this today: prayer is about entrusting God no matter what with all of our needs. Letting him know that we agree that we don't know what he knows and that we trust him. Our desired "yes" may look good in our eyes, but God's "no" or "wait" may have broader impact than we can see from our human vantage point.

God always answers prayer. He either says "yes", "no" or "wait". I think we should dance as delightedly for each answer because they are all the same -- from our loving God who is active in our lives whether we think so or not. Each answer is an answer, yippie! That is what I try to teach children.

We surely don't want kids to think God is some kind of magical Santa-being, reduced to passing out lollipops and sugar plums. We don't want to teach our kids that we ask, ask, ask and that's prayer. Kids need to know that asking is but a fragment of a complete prayer. Sometimes it's understandable or necessary to shoot out a "help" prayer, but part of our prayer life should include four components:

A - Adore God for who he is and what he does for the world

C - Confess our mess-ups: the things we have done that we shouldn't have done; and the things we have not done that we should have done (sin)

T - Thank God specifically for what he is doing in your life and world (make a list!)

A - Ask God for help - for people, for yourself, behavior, needs, etc.

When teaching young kids, keep it short and simple. I like to make it realistic by talking about all the places and times we can pray in order for children to understand that we can and should be praying at any time. While brushing teeth, in the middle of a test, on your bike, when you pick up scissors. There isn't a time in our everyday lives that we don't need to talk and listen to God.

Speaking of listening, one of my favorite things to teach is to make a list of all the wonderful things (attributes) about God and sit still. Sit and think of just those things. Talk about a perspective adjustment!

If we can teach our kids that prayer goes both ways, we will have some strong followers of Christ ebbing into adulthood. Then they can pass on their trust to the next generation, and the next to the next and the next.

That's my prayer for my family.