"We Have to Cut Back This Christmas"

I've heard this statement many times over the past six years - ever since the economy tanked and unemployment soared. People with fantastic resumes, solid careers and stellar experience in any number of fields found themselves victims of downsizing and competing with teens for entry level Target jobs at an 80% cut in pay just to literally keep bread on the table.

These families have been hit hard. With the job loss comes the threat of bankruptcy, foreclosure or both. We live in one of the hardest hit counties in our state and know dozens of families whose lives have taken severe turns in the past few years. They've lost homes, vehicles, businesses and retirement funds while struggling to raise their children at a time when the cost of living only continues to rise. Their children continue to need to eat, outgrow winter coats and see the dentist. They want their children to continue to participate in sports or recreation programs or music lessons. All of this costs money they no longer have so much of.

The people I know that fear the sheriff's notice on the door are hard working and continue to job hunt. They have cut back on themselves while putting any extra pennies toward those dance lessons or soccer uniforms. Target and other big box retailers no longer have to worry about finding good people to hire - the options are endless. A local bank president dignifiedly donned his red shirt and khakis when his institution folded overnight. A bank president.

So as parents, what do we do at Christmas time when the media bombards us with all the gift giving magic we're supposed to experience? The BMW commercial with the car at the front door and the ginormous red bow? The fruit commercial where even your mailman gets this special array? The end-caps with holiday packaged pump soap and plastic bags? Everywhere we turn we are "told" to celebrate by spending and getting.

Not only is this the time for financially strapped parents to take a step back and evaluate how they approach gifting, I think it's the time for every family to retool.

For the struggling families - even those who receive state or non-profit "Christmas assistance" to "gift" the kids - think about this. Why pretend all is well when it isn't? The number of parents who insist on flooding their kids with gallons of gifts they can't afford stuns me. It is okay to have a careful Christmas. When I share this thought, people look at me strangely. So I repeat myself.

I think it is okay to gently share the financial reality with your kids. You do not overburden them, but you certainly can let them know what you can afford. Just make the statement simple and remain calm. "Everyone is going to get 2 presents. One will be something they need and one will be a toy." If you have to worry that your kids won't be happy or have a "good" Christmas based upon the number or value of their presents, you have been teaching the wrong message.

Contrary to the media's message, Christmas is not about Santa and "what you want". (Ever watched a toddler more fascinated with the unwrapping than the actual gift?) It's not about how many things you open or how much money is spent. It is supposed to be about the birth of Jesus Christ (The Savior we sing about in Christmas carols - that guy). The trees, the gifts, the food -- that is all just culturally added stuff. If you teach your kids that it is Jesus's birthday party, you're on the right track. I know people who actually bake cupcakes with their kids to make the point. When our kids were little, we limited each child to three gifts to mimic the three gifts Jesus received from each traveling Wise Man. We filled stockings with all kinds of goodies, but as the kids aged we changed the contents to more silly items and candy rather than more gift cards.

Each year, we have tried to participate in some form of reaching out to those less fortunate than us. Even on the years when we were the less fortunate ones. Six years ago we became one of those families I began this blog talking about. Six years ago we were forced to change our Christmas even further. Six years ago we became free of stuff, more resilient to the media and have delighted in the best Christmases ever.

Christmas became family-focused on our memories, food and time together. We have anticipated and enjoyed wonderful meals and cut back on gifts even further. A well-thought out ornament is more meaningful than another "thing" to dust. Making a quilt or crafting something from Pinterest is far more personal than a mall item. There is no "what-do-I-get-them" stress, cuz we don't. We were primed for this because we had already been taking baby steps.

Baby steps? We stopped sending cards over a decade ago - they're just too expensive with postage. Even longer ago we pulled our kids out of the extended family gift exchanges because we didn't want them getting more stuff. We wanted them to develop the ability to appreciate simple gestures, not drowning under wrapping paper. Sometimes we even combined birthday and Christmas gifts into one item that further enhanced our goal.

Our result? A happy, stress-free Christmas season culminating with a wonderful celebration of Christ's birth.  We use the time we aren't in the malls or fighting for parking spaces to do something simple together. Like decorate the tree, make cookies, or laugh at a TV show. Our kids value memories over stuff and we have no apologies or regrets.

Oh, and one year I even dared myself not to do a tree! Guess what? It was still Christmas here.

Pick Your Expert Carefully

One of the cable news networks was doing a piece about a mom who contacted the FCC because ABC ran an ad for one of their steamy nighttime shows during Good Morning America. She was eating breakfast with her 8-year-old son when the ad appeared - a naked man and woman rather busy in bed. She thought this had no place being aired when young children could see it.

So the host brought in three people to discuss this. One was a parenting blogger, one was a a child psychologist and family therapist and the other was a "parenting expert". The first two descriptions pretty much tell me about their qualifications, but the third one? We were not told what made that woman an "expert". But she does have a website.

Let me tell you what the Expert said. Unlike her fellow panelists, she thought it was perfectly fine for a child to see nudity any time of the day or night. After all, they were doing what their parents do anyway and other cultures let their children see things like this.

When the others protested saying they did not want images thrust upon their children that they could not control or limit, the Expert came back saying that violence was far worse than that. Then she shared statistics about media violence. The two others brought the conversation back on topic. The Psychologist  said that developmentally a child that age is not ready for images about the body in that manner, and that viewing them could even be frightening. The Blogger said we cannot take back images once our children see them.

The Expert insisted that there were far worse things than this and that it was perfectly fine.

This interaction demonstrates the often repeated saying that there is a statistic to back up everything - any which way. But we can be smarter than that. We don't need to go looking for some fact to back up what we think. We can think what we do, period. Some times, we might be the only one in the crowd taking a stand. I sure know what that feels like. Other times, we may have some company. Either way, we are standing up for what we believe is in the best interest of our children.

Sometimes with further information, we may change our minds. I've done that. A fierce "no" has become an "okay" instead. When that is the case, I explain why I updated my thinking. Then my children learn that I am learning, too. The same is true when I have had to revoke a permission. "I know we had told you that it would be okay to ______, but here is some information that now has me concerned:________."  All is presented calmly and clearly. They know I am placing their best interests first.

The one thing I won't do is do what an expert says just because they say it. I evaluate it within the framework established for my family and check their philosophy. Sometimes I completely disagree with a philosophy but there is a really good nugget I can use. So I use the nugget.

But this time, there wasn't anything I could use from that expert. In my humble opinion, it is not society's job to decide when and what my child sees or experiences. That's my job.

P.S. The show in the ad is described by ABC as "more than just your normal story of infidelity".

I Didn't Treat My Kids The Same

Ever meet a family and wonder how one kid looks or acts nothing like anybody else? I love to look at features and movements and note familial similarities. Sometimes while walking behind a father and son as they enter Target I'll grin because they walk the same way or swing their arms the same. Once I saw a worried mother with her baby daughter in the cart with the exact same worried expression!

Most parents would say they tried to treat their children the same. If Tommy got a treat, so did Susie. It's only fair. If big sis gets her ears pierced at age 10, so will little sis. They all get to go to camp.

In my case I didn't treat my children the same for several reasons and in this order:
1. They were born 10 years apart
2. They had different temperaments
3. They were different genders
4. Our family situation was financially different each time

First-born daughter loved books from the moment she could sit up and hold a board book. She didn't want to be held and being sent to her room was paradise. There she could do her arts and crafts, draw or write. She read through the entire World Book Encyclopedia, one book at a time and remembered almost everything she ever read. School was important to her and so were her grades (for most of the time anyway).  Basketball was her love each year beginning in first grade.

She had a trust fund and wanted for nothing. Because of the trust, she was able to attend summer sleepover camps, including the prestigious Stanford Basketball Camp. She was able to purchase new wardrobes each school year as well as the class ring. She went to private schools and owned every piece of the uniform options. She had a cell phone and computer system rivaling most. She had great looking bedroom furniture. In addition, she went on several mission trips and vacations with high school friends. Thanks to her trust, she was able to apply to any college in the country and have all four years paid for. Anything we did as a family came out of the family coffers, not the trust. We lived in the same house through middle school and high school and enjoyed decorating and remodeling it.

Ten years later along came our son. I think the doctors blew the due date and induced him too early because he was smaller than a premie, jaundiced and screaming for weeks. When he finally hit 6 weeks old, the screaming stopped but he always wanted to be held. All the time. His favorite toys were rubbery, small and squishy. He was too impatient for books, although we could get through at least a bedtime story if we skipped some pages. He wanted to know how things worked. When he was 18 months old, we gave him a hammer and he went around our old deck hammering in nails. He was thrilled with parks, climbing towers and trees. School was and is a torture to be endured. In third grade all he brought home were pictures of dragons and monsters he drew during class. I worried that he didn't know how to draw people. If you sent him to his room he was mortified to be away from people. He tried a number of team sports but fell in love with skiing and going fast even more.

We lost our home and went bankrupt when he was 11 and I lost my job. Over the next few years we down sized, down sized and down sized again. We have sold or given away more stuff than we have. We weren't rich and we weren't hoarders, but all you need is a box or two of grandma's quilts and mom's china to start a pile. Not counting our home, we have moved 4 times in the past 5 years. The familiar homestead does not exist for our son. For him, the only thing familiar are the people. He got his furniture one piece at a time spread out over years. At one point, I noticed his feet looked too small for his 12-year old height and suggested we go buy a new pair of shoes. He had been curling his toes in order to spare us the shoe expense. The new pair I forced on him were 2 sizes bigger!

What a time to suffer financial hardship for a kid entering the expensive teen years. But as I reflect on it, it turned out to be a blessing. When things went south for us it was happening to a number of other families, too. When I would chat with worried mothers fretting about what they could no longer buy for their kids, I tried to get them to focus on the relationships first. Not that I liked counting every single penny but not having stuff wasn't as important as our relationships and our health.

We had to learn to wait for anything that wasn't going directly on the table. Even liquid hand pump soap became a luxury. We litterally saved our change for extras.  We learned together how to find the meat on sale and going to a movie became a very big deal. In short, we learned to appreciate the simple things and drew close in this quest. Here I thought we had been simple all along. But we went from buying Valentine's cards and gifts to making a special meal. We started a new family tradition.

Not only have I learned my children's temperments and love languages, I have learned to navigate life's challenges along with them. One thing that is the same is that they have been shown how to grow through trials and forge ahead.

There's Not Too Many of These Heros Left

Today marks the passing of an American television icon known for family values and programs that entire generations could watch together. I grew up watching the reruns of The Andy Griffith Show and loved the simple story lines that emphasized life's simple experiences. By the end of each episode, somebody had learned something that enhanced their character.

One of my favorite episodes is when young son Opie (who could roam the town each day because it was safe) met a "magic man" with a "shiney hat" who "jingled from the tree tops". When he shared this at family dinner with Pa and Aunt Bea, no one would believe him. For the next few days, Opie continued to meet his friend, the telephone lineman with the metal safety hat and all his tools dangling from his tool belt. Each night, the earnest son tried to share about his new friend with his family. And each night Pa (Andy) became more angry at this outrageous tale. Finally, he sent Opie to his room for lying and was threatening further consequences if he would not confess. But Opie couldn't confess, because he wasn't lying. The show ends when Andy runs into the telephone lineman and is told what a great son he has. He was sick to learn he had been riding his son for days without really listening to him. His earnest apology and young son's wide-eyed forgiveness leaves the audience with something to think about in their own lives.

Another wonderful aspect about the show is that Andy was a strong, involved father. He was not a joke, he was not an idiot. He did his best and like any parent, sometimes made mistakes. He had the love and respect of his son and he was a strong leader. For some, this is as close as they come to seeing what that may look like.

While the show was simple, there were layers to it. A story writer's guideline that isn't followed very well any more is to "show" not "tell". The Andy Griffith Show did an excellent job of showing the audience and not spelling it out for them. This is something we can teach our children when they are learning creative writing.

It's time for me to rent as many seasons as I can find and start watching them with my family. Without commercials, it's 22 minutes of a visual that can be followed up with some gently guided discussion. Especially today when there is such an absence of solid character heroes on television, the up and coming generations need to see that it really does matter who you are from the inside out first.

We'll miss you, Andy. But thank you for your legacy.