Recipe For Family Failure

Thank you very not so much.

No matter what you say, I am going to hang on to what I want as a parent. Forget the situation and the mental health of the family. It is going to be the way I want it to be.

No matter what you say, I don't need to listen to you because I have the right ideas. I am the parent, not you. We are glutton-free and you don't even recycle so what do you know? I know most.

No matter what you say, I want it the way I have already been doing it even though it hasn't worked. I am going to keep doing it this way because it is THE way.

No matter what you say, I will disregard your expertise because I want what I want no matter what.
Even though I invited you into my life to give objective input, I'm right. Right?

No matter what you say, in times of crisis I will still demand the house runs as if everything is fine. Your suggestions fall flat because I will not budge so nothing works unless you make it happen my way.

No matter what you say, I will force my kid to do homework the way I want them to and not pay attention to their learning styles.

No matter what you say, I will continue to accuse and shame my kids thinking they will talk to me because I am the adult and they must be doing something wrong - or at least thinking about it.

No matter what you say about how to talk to kids, I will do it my own way and wonder why they won't talk to me when they are older...or in therapy... or in prison or rehab.

No matter what you say, it won't be my fault when my kid doesn't live up to my standards. It just shows where they failed. I can't fail. I can never fail. I'm a parent.  I'm right. I did everything I could.

Oh. Wait. Should I listen to someone else?

Shame on You?

A recent Yahoo article tells us about a Utah mother's supposed ingenious punishment for her 10 year-old's repeated rude comments toward outfits other girls wore at school. Polling her Facebook friends, the mom decided to take the girl to a thrift store and make her wear the clothes she liked the least. She had to wear them to school and to a sports game because the first time it didn't stick. This mother wanted the child to want to apoligize, and thought shaming her daughter by being embarassed herself would do the trick. The girl apparently was finally apologetic to the proper parties and thanked her mother for the punishment.

A freind of mine shared this article with me and asked what I thought about this.

No, no and no way!

Let's take the easy "no" first. By dressing the child in clothing she deemed "ugly" or "embarassing" and sending her off in public is causing another problem. Other people regularly wear things we don't like or wouldn't wear. Some people are perfectly happy with their "look". There is no one socially accepted correct outfit, and by picking things they thought were ridiculous they ran the risk of offending others in the process of trying to teach a lesson.

In my consequence-driven parenting, I tried very hard to never harm others in my child's reality discipline. While other kids could be agreeing with the ugly outfit, others could be off to the side thinking "that's what my mom wears" and be hurt. Once I had to un-ground my daughter and let her go on the ski trip after all because her ski partner would have been punished by being alone that day.

A harder "no" is next. There is a big difference between feeling ashamed and being shamed. Feeling ashamed comes from within and is a response to something that has occured. Being shamed is a message thrust upon us and goes to the very core of a person. That mother not only shamed the girl, she also shamed others when she allowed her to wear clothing they deemed as embarassing. We should feel ashamed for unkind  and unloving things we do and say. We should not feel ashamed for who we are or are trying to be. Shaming someone is cruel and takes them years to reconize and overcome. This does not mean we do not correct our children for what they do.

Still confused about shaming? Here are some examples of damaging comments I have heard parents make directly to their children: "Look at that tummy on you - ha ha!"; "You are such a klutz"; "You just can't be like your sister, can you? She always does it right!"; "Before you were born I used to be happy"; "No wonder that happened, you are just like your awful father!"; "You always do that"; "You never can be grateful, can you?"; "No, that's the wrong way - do it right!", "When are you going to learn?"; "Just look at what you did to my clean floor!" "How would you know? You're just a kid!" "Ha ha you're such a baby for crying about that!!" These are stinging, shameful comments that center around the value of a person. Uttered for a second, they plant themselves deeply within and eat away for much longer than that impatient second it took to spurt out.

The mother had part of it right - she wanted the child to see the err of her ways, own it and sincerely apologize. Polling her friends and coming up with this plan was just the wrong way to go about it, evidenced by the fact that the one time wearing the "ugly" clothes wasn't enough for the little girl to keep her lips zipped. She was a repeat offender.

Now are you asking Well then Mrs. Smartie Pants, how would you have handled this??

Upon receiving the call from the school, we sit down and discuss what happened. We then talk about shame and what that means vs. personal expression and taste. This should take no more than 5 minutes. I would want to find out what she was trying to accomplish by making her remark. Based on her reply, we would talk about a better way to behave that would not harm another person.

I would have a tray of different, unlabled food for her to sample. She tastes the items and gives her opinions. I am sure to include a few that are too tart or hot and some that look awful. (A quick visit to any produce department will provide all you need.) We talk about how different we both are in what we like to eat. Is there one right way to eat? One correct thing we must all eat? Is it okay we like different things? Mocking or condemning others not like us is wrong.

Here comes Jesus: what did He do? How did he treat people? Pick one short parable (in the Gospels) and look at it together. Now we are up to 12 minutes. We've been in discussion and we've illustrated the point that we don't judge others. I would close by asking my child to talk to God out loud with me and ask them what they think they should do next. What would they think the kids at school need to hear from my kid? I'd have my child talk to the teacher and stand in front of the class (or however many overheard the mean comments) and state an apology, ending with the phrase "I was wrong. Will you forgive me?"

(In my role as a kids pastor, after ensuring he understood what he had done,  I have actually had a disruptive boy do this to his class and teacher.)

After my child has made the appropriate apology (perhaps it also includes a personal note to the victim), I ask them how they feel about the entire experience. When they make comments about any glimmer of what they have learned, I praise their observations and tell them I know they will respond differently in the future.

Instead of shame, they have learned not to damage another person and what it has meant to be on the nasty end. They have learned why it was wrong. They have learned how to cope. They have learned to think about another person who may be different than they are. They have new awareness and long-reaching skills. And they aren't going to be on the news because I was so clever.

Kids need to learn to: Realize it. Own it. Pray about it. Ask for forgiveness and forget it. God already did.

Invisible Love

Currently, there is lots of media attention being paid to online relationships – especially ones where it turns out the people have never even met but have fallen deeply in love. These relationships have lasted for years and are real in every way: deep sharing occurs, trust is established, the other is valued, life is celebrated, gifts are exchanged and lives are impacted. All without ever having met.

People are eager and willing to enter into and continue relationships based upon information presented online. They open their lives, hearts and wallets – all without ever having met the other person. (The skeptic in me pictures the person on the other end as some nut living in his grandmother's basement with his PC parked next to the water heater.)

What amazing trust – offered without question sometimes even more quickly than face to face relationships. People investing in these "invisible" relationships confidently defend their actions by declaring it is “love”.

At the core of everyone is a deep need to be loved and cherished. The fact that people would search where there is no complete answer tells us how desperate humans have become. They have completely missed the reason why God created humans in the first place.

This has me thinking about God’s “invisible love”.

What about that? God’s love is not only invisible in today’s economy it is not even valued as much as that invisible love from a keyboard miles away typing into our souls. Why, I wonder, are people so willing to engage in an invisible relationship online rather than develop a real relationship with God through Jesus Christ? Trust is given these online “friends” while real relationships wait on the side lines. And both are equal? In today’s culture I guess so. But not in God’s eyes.

Let’s focus our kids on who is real and investing in their lives. Even though they can’t see God, he is real. Even though they can see the internet icon, faceless “friends” are not real. We’ve got our work cut out for us, haven’t we? Especially with younger kids who are still concrete thinkers.

This is the question parents of today must face. They must know who else is competing for their children’s attention and they must balance that with everyday life. To fail in this is to lose another generation to self-focus and regulate seeking God once again to an option on some life-menu of our own design.

The thing that should shake us to our core is the "menu". When we order, we think we can go back another time and pick something else. We’re fooled into thinking that all choices are equal. They’re not. What we do with our relationship with God is truly more important than anything else. Our kids need to know what that looks like and how much more real that is in their techno-online-CGI-instant world. Just because they cannot see or touch it, does not mean we can not point them to the evidence of how real God is.

This will look different for each child. My prayer is for each parent to find that ah-ha connection where you are able to communicate the real love of a real God to your child. For me, it means I have lots of conversations with God. He loves our kids more than we do, so I’d say we have the best resource available. And we don’t even have to Google him.

The Blessing

One of the best books for parents I’ve ever read is The Blessing, co-authored by Dr. John Trent and Gary Smalley. It was published in the 1980’s and is still in print today. It is well worth your investment if you have any hurt from your own upbringing that you feel prohibits you from being the best parent you can be with your own children or grands.

This book is based on the Old Testament concept where the parents pass on a special blessing to their children. The blessing is long-awaited and highly valued. In today’s terms I’d call it envisioning a special future and verbalizing that deeply held belief to your child in such a way that they feel your encouragement and love enfolding them.

The premise of the book is that everyone desires and needs a blessing, and answers the painful question of how a parent can give a blessing even if they never received one. It helps the reader see why their parents may have been unable to give a blessing and walks you through a release process. Once the past has been dealt with, the book encourages parents how to communicate and share the blessing with their own children.

Invaluable tool and eye-opening, this book reminds us about how important it is to parent without excuses as much as possible. If we focus on not forgiving our parent’s failings, in some way we will weigh down our children and thus burden them unintentionally.

I can’t recommend this book more highly. Read it! Read it with friends and then talk about it in groups. You won’t be sorry and you will be giving your children a huge gift: a blessing from the bottom of your heart.

www.amazon.com

The Worst Parenting Response Ever

This entry is from my personal diary

An amicably divorced father of a grown daughter age 24 got a middle of the night call that she’d been arrested for DUI the night before Thanksgiving. Mercifully, no one or thing had been hurt. Because of the holiday, she was being held until Friday before she could be bailed out of jail.

The father and daughter had been invited to longtime family friends for Thanksgiving, but because his daughter was in jail and he had missed some sleep visiting her that morning, he determined not to go to the dinner. He tried to have another relative make his excuses (but not to share the real reason because it would embarrass his jailed daughter). The relative declined to take on the assignment and the father made his own regrets.

Rather than be concerned about his daughter’s conduct or safety, he focused on the good spirits she was in and visited her twice on Thanksgiving. The next day, he bailed her out of jail and he and her mother cooked an entire Thanksgiving dinner to make up for the one their daughter had missed the day before. Remember, these people are divorced so their girl missed two.

Both of my kids react in horror at this scenario. They know me well. They know these people. Each of them have told me at separate times, “Don’t worry Mom, I know if I go to jail you wouldn’t bail me out…and you wouldn’t visit me, either.” Especially if they went to jail for the same circumstances – they could wait and wait to be freed but I’m not going to enable them. And recreate a holiday meal they missed due to their own illegal actions? Not a chance!

That 24-year-old carelessly took lives of others in her hands. It is a miracle that no one was harmed. I’ve tried to raise my kids to realize others exist and to act with regard for all human life. If they don’t, they experience the consequence of that poor decision. No make-up feasts from me, certainly no fixing their mistakes. My love is about truth and taking responsibility for what we do.

Sadly, the above parents continued to cover and minimize reality some 6 years later. Their child has been crippled by her parents' main plan to cover up rather than coach. She is unable to function autonomously, much less contribute to the world. But continues to party on and look good on Face Book.