That's Not Funny, Steve Carrell

One of the funniest actors I enjoy is Steve Carrell. His ability to hold his face neutral while delivering inane dialog and get a huge laugh is admirable - and absolutely hilarious.

Recently he was on Jay Leno sharing a requisite "funny family story".  Apparently he accidentally rented an R-rated movie to show at his 9-year-old's big sleepover. They saw Predator. And now, chuckled dear Steve, he's known as "that dad" at his son's school.

That would be the dad who opened the door ahead of time. The dad who laughingly used poor judgement. The dad who permitted explicit media in his home geared toward a much more mature audience. Not only "that dad"... but the one who trumped the authority of other parents and choose for them. Repeat: he made the choice for other parents. That is not funny.

Parents: Never be the one known for having loose standards or the house where kids can get away with things. Never ever ever decide something so big as when a child will be introduced to mature content for another parent's kid. It's okay to go for it with little things like cookies or ice cream, but never anything as big as exposing someone else's child to material generated for older age groups. Carrell thinks most of the movie "went over their heads". Wait a few years for their vocabularies to grow and ask again. He was wrong.

No, Steve Carrell my favorite comedian and charming man, no. You blew something bigger than that one sleepover night and turned it into a "funny story thing".  This is much more than that. And what you did, you can't erase. You caused imprint on children's minds. Imprint that will weave its way through their current frame of references and leave acid droppings and questions on their future snapshots as they filter experiences and images while they continue to mature and develop. On behalf of the other parents, thanks for nothing. That was negative imprint.

Parents must respect other parents and err on the side of modesty. Much better to ask forgiveness for offering red meat  than a virtual introduction to "mature content". The red meat vegetarian parents don't want their kids to eat can leave the body within 24 hours, thoughts are there forever. This error cannot be apologized away. It's there.

Steve did not do this intentionally, I'm sure. He just wasn't on alert as a parent. The greatest influence we have on our children enters through their eyes and minds. Something many adults fail to place a high value on. The shorter ones are absorbing more than you think and watching you carefully. Humbly recognize this and adapt accordingly.

We held a lot of family events at our home where the kids ended up in the family room downstairs for a period of time. Our kids were in charge of monitoring which videos were watched and which video games were played. It was G only when other kids were over. Yes they resisted at first about my insistence that none of the other games we allowed them to play would be accessed for a couple of hours, but respected my request. When our daughter was 13 and hosting a slumber party, the girls wanted to watch a PG 13 movie. Knowing one of the moms was careful about content, I called and asked her if that was okay before showing it. She appreciated my contact.

I never want to be known as the house where something premature or unacceptable was introduced. It is each family's own business if and when they introduce any kind of media. This decision is not for any other person to make. Not an older sibling, grandparent or babysitter. It is up to the parents.

Heaven help you if you have family members or babysitters sabotaging you. Just don't be the neighbor or friend adding to it - kids are growing older at a rate much too young as it is and don't have the skills to handle their futures any faster.

If you need a nudge to believe me, just watch what no one even blinks at any more. We've been conditioned to normalize and laugh where we used to blink.  Culturally we have relegated caution to nostalgia. Let's bring it back and train the coming generations to age in a healthy sequence and not rush exposure to things they literally can't wrap their minds around til later. All that does is contribute to the plague of desensitivy.  And that really isn't funny.

Pick Your Expert Carefully

One of the cable news networks was doing a piece about a mom who contacted the FCC because ABC ran an ad for one of their steamy nighttime shows during Good Morning America. She was eating breakfast with her 8-year-old son when the ad appeared - a naked man and woman rather busy in bed. She thought this had no place being aired when young children could see it.

So the host brought in three people to discuss this. One was a parenting blogger, one was a a child psychologist and family therapist and the other was a "parenting expert". The first two descriptions pretty much tell me about their qualifications, but the third one? We were not told what made that woman an "expert". But she does have a website.

Let me tell you what the Expert said. Unlike her fellow panelists, she thought it was perfectly fine for a child to see nudity any time of the day or night. After all, they were doing what their parents do anyway and other cultures let their children see things like this.

When the others protested saying they did not want images thrust upon their children that they could not control or limit, the Expert came back saying that violence was far worse than that. Then she shared statistics about media violence. The two others brought the conversation back on topic. The Psychologist  said that developmentally a child that age is not ready for images about the body in that manner, and that viewing them could even be frightening. The Blogger said we cannot take back images once our children see them.

The Expert insisted that there were far worse things than this and that it was perfectly fine.

This interaction demonstrates the often repeated saying that there is a statistic to back up everything - any which way. But we can be smarter than that. We don't need to go looking for some fact to back up what we think. We can think what we do, period. Some times, we might be the only one in the crowd taking a stand. I sure know what that feels like. Other times, we may have some company. Either way, we are standing up for what we believe is in the best interest of our children.

Sometimes with further information, we may change our minds. I've done that. A fierce "no" has become an "okay" instead. When that is the case, I explain why I updated my thinking. Then my children learn that I am learning, too. The same is true when I have had to revoke a permission. "I know we had told you that it would be okay to ______, but here is some information that now has me concerned:________."  All is presented calmly and clearly. They know I am placing their best interests first.

The one thing I won't do is do what an expert says just because they say it. I evaluate it within the framework established for my family and check their philosophy. Sometimes I completely disagree with a philosophy but there is a really good nugget I can use. So I use the nugget.

But this time, there wasn't anything I could use from that expert. In my humble opinion, it is not society's job to decide when and what my child sees or experiences. That's my job.

P.S. The show in the ad is described by ABC as "more than just your normal story of infidelity".

Invisible Love

Currently, there is lots of media attention being paid to online relationships – especially ones where it turns out the people have never even met but have fallen deeply in love. These relationships have lasted for years and are real in every way: deep sharing occurs, trust is established, the other is valued, life is celebrated, gifts are exchanged and lives are impacted. All without ever having met.

People are eager and willing to enter into and continue relationships based upon information presented online. They open their lives, hearts and wallets – all without ever having met the other person. (The skeptic in me pictures the person on the other end as some nut living in his grandmother's basement with his PC parked next to the water heater.)

What amazing trust – offered without question sometimes even more quickly than face to face relationships. People investing in these "invisible" relationships confidently defend their actions by declaring it is “love”.

At the core of everyone is a deep need to be loved and cherished. The fact that people would search where there is no complete answer tells us how desperate humans have become. They have completely missed the reason why God created humans in the first place.

This has me thinking about God’s “invisible love”.

What about that? God’s love is not only invisible in today’s economy it is not even valued as much as that invisible love from a keyboard miles away typing into our souls. Why, I wonder, are people so willing to engage in an invisible relationship online rather than develop a real relationship with God through Jesus Christ? Trust is given these online “friends” while real relationships wait on the side lines. And both are equal? In today’s culture I guess so. But not in God’s eyes.

Let’s focus our kids on who is real and investing in their lives. Even though they can’t see God, he is real. Even though they can see the internet icon, faceless “friends” are not real. We’ve got our work cut out for us, haven’t we? Especially with younger kids who are still concrete thinkers.

This is the question parents of today must face. They must know who else is competing for their children’s attention and they must balance that with everyday life. To fail in this is to lose another generation to self-focus and regulate seeking God once again to an option on some life-menu of our own design.

The thing that should shake us to our core is the "menu". When we order, we think we can go back another time and pick something else. We’re fooled into thinking that all choices are equal. They’re not. What we do with our relationship with God is truly more important than anything else. Our kids need to know what that looks like and how much more real that is in their techno-online-CGI-instant world. Just because they cannot see or touch it, does not mean we can not point them to the evidence of how real God is.

This will look different for each child. My prayer is for each parent to find that ah-ha connection where you are able to communicate the real love of a real God to your child. For me, it means I have lots of conversations with God. He loves our kids more than we do, so I’d say we have the best resource available. And we don’t even have to Google him.

Kid Logic

When my girl was about 8, we had just settled down to watch a movie when the FBI warning scrolled across the screen. "Mom, what is that Fibble Warning for, anyway?"

"The what??"

"That - right there," she pointed to the screen. "The Fibble Warning."

I explained that it was an "i" and not an "L". F-B-I. She laughed heartily at herself and I still can't see that logo without remembering when I first heard about the Fibble Warning. In fact, that's all it really is to me now.

As long as she'd been watching videos and movies, she had seen the "warning" and then went on her way coloring, playing or watching not sure what it was for, but certain it must be important because there certainly were a lot of them.

One day a Sunday School Leader was eagerly sharing with a group of about 45 elementary kids that we are all "heirs of the King." Over and over he repeated this important message with the biggest smile. The King is God and we are his heirs! Yippie!! I was sitting in the back enjoying the class time when it occurred to me that the kids might not know what the definition of "heirs" was. I signaled the teacher. He immediately asked the class what they thought "heir" meant.

We heard answers like "Stuff you do wrong" and "Mistakes you make". Nothing even close to the real meaning! For twenty minutes they had seen their leader practically dance with excitement and thought he was excited because we are mistakes!

Of course we fixed that, pronto. But it makes me wonder how many other "definitions" are out there that kids have self-defined and perhaps don't even think about asking for help decoding? In my work with hundreds of kids over the past chunk of years, I venture to say there are a lot more unknown ones out there.

I think it's our job as parents to learn how to think like our kids. Enter in any way we can and be sure their inner dictionaries have the right definitions. Sometimes they will let us know, like the Fibble Warning, and we can explain the reality. Other times we're going to have to ask, like when the Sunday School class thought they should be excited to be "errors of the King."

Tip of the day: Answer a question with a question. "You think that is the Fibble Warning because?" Then you won't sound like an interrogator. And be sure not to have a bright ceiling light on and use your relaxed voice. After all, they didn't do anything wrong - they just didn't understand.

The Worst Parenting Response Ever

This entry is from my personal diary

An amicably divorced father of a grown daughter age 24 got a middle of the night call that she’d been arrested for DUI the night before Thanksgiving. Mercifully, no one or thing had been hurt. Because of the holiday, she was being held until Friday before she could be bailed out of jail.

The father and daughter had been invited to longtime family friends for Thanksgiving, but because his daughter was in jail and he had missed some sleep visiting her that morning, he determined not to go to the dinner. He tried to have another relative make his excuses (but not to share the real reason because it would embarrass his jailed daughter). The relative declined to take on the assignment and the father made his own regrets.

Rather than be concerned about his daughter’s conduct or safety, he focused on the good spirits she was in and visited her twice on Thanksgiving. The next day, he bailed her out of jail and he and her mother cooked an entire Thanksgiving dinner to make up for the one their daughter had missed the day before. Remember, these people are divorced so their girl missed two.

Both of my kids react in horror at this scenario. They know me well. They know these people. Each of them have told me at separate times, “Don’t worry Mom, I know if I go to jail you wouldn’t bail me out…and you wouldn’t visit me, either.” Especially if they went to jail for the same circumstances – they could wait and wait to be freed but I’m not going to enable them. And recreate a holiday meal they missed due to their own illegal actions? Not a chance!

That 24-year-old carelessly took lives of others in her hands. It is a miracle that no one was harmed. I’ve tried to raise my kids to realize others exist and to act with regard for all human life. If they don’t, they experience the consequence of that poor decision. No make-up feasts from me, certainly no fixing their mistakes. My love is about truth and taking responsibility for what we do.

Sadly, the above parents continued to cover and minimize reality some 6 years later. Their child has been crippled by her parents' main plan to cover up rather than coach. She is unable to function autonomously, much less contribute to the world. But continues to party on and look good on Face Book.

Through the Eyes of a Child

A few weeks ago, I walked into the Toddler class one Sunday to greet everyone, as I usually do. One of the sweetest little girls held up her sandals and eagerly showed me her treasure. The look on her face was truly priceless. I found out from her mother that she was excited to be wearing her "new shoes" on such a surprisingly warm late winter day. Additionally, I learned that in daycare, children must wear closed-toed shoes and socks. These sandals were a big deal in this toddler's life. Seeing her rejoice in the simplest thing just made my day.

When I was in college, I had a part-time job at a home for mentally challenged men and women. There, I learned to erase the minutiae of life's angst from an 18-year-old's mind and appreciate their lives. Everything was scheduled. Monthly haircuts. Weekly baths. Daily meals. Bi-monthly bus rides. Semi-annual shots. Nothing "special", yet I saw each resident look forward to the routine in their lives and value seemingly mundane activities with utter joy. These precious people taught me to appreciate the simplest details in my life. I still smile fondly remembering gleeful applause at "haircut day".

Some of my most heart-felt memories with my kids when they were younger was the excitement to wear a new pair of rain boots (my girl) or use their very own umbrella (my son... try that while living in sunny California!) There was also that new coat or lunchbox, a special field trip and of course the all-important Sharing Day.

These things were all more important to them than the big trips or gifts. Details that could so easily be looked over. Unless we look through the bright and eager eyes of a child.

Really, This Toy??

I make it a practice to stroll toy aisles and see what is given prominence for kids toys, especially since my kids have outgrown toys and the only toys I like to play with are the classic ones.

Last week, I came upon these uh, dolls. Take a look at their faces! What does this say to you? To me I see scars and darkness. Who plays with dolls? Not kids who enjoy scars, and many are actually trying to overcome a fear of darkness. Look at their eyes. Nothing... The vacant look on their faces has me wondering who would want to cuddle such an item? Who would want to play house with that as the "baby"?

What were the architects of this line of toys thinking when they sat around the boardroom table tossing around new concepts? "Hey! Let's create some freak rag doll playing off that whole vampire craze! We can get the really little kids with this." "Excellent! Put some scars on it and x out the eyes. We'll outsell American Girls by far with our price points."

The influence we have on children should be taken gravely. It is an honor to teach or parent a young mind. What we do or do not do can have life long impact. My desire is that what I put out there for my child's mind contributes to their imagination in secure and positive ways. Therefore, they did not accompany me to R rated movies, smoke-filled bars, tattoo parlors or the edge of a cliff. We did not read horror stories and were even careful with Bambi.

The toys we provided inspired creativity, dramatic play or problem solving. They did not do the thinking or branding for them, they did not provide any fodder for haunting thoughts. We also stayed away from too many tie-in toys. You know, where a hot kids movie inspires sleeping bags, PJs, back packs, characters, etc. Yes, there were some. Who can resist a Woody or a Buzz? But they were balanced with Legos, books and bikes, rocks and sticks.

Not only do I not want my kids to be flooded with commercialized characters everywhere (and thus become conditioned to fall for the theme toothpaste or bandaids), I do not want to put anything in front of their eyes that sends a message that body mutilation or anything else that is darkly marketed as attractive is a way of life. To me, this toy sells fear and darkness and is inappropriate.