Dr. Laura Yelled at Me

For real.

Last week I called in to the famous satelite radio shrink to get her opinion about a minor delimma. If you follow my blog, you know I listen to her frequently and agree with about 80% of what she says. But, I disagree with about 60% of the way she says things.

Yes, she has razor sharp acumen and takes a moral stand. Yes, she is witty at times and can readily laugh at herself. And, yes, her on-air show is entertaining. That's the part I need to remember after the unexpected tongue-lashing I received.

I only had to wait about 15 minutes to go on the air. The crisp screener just wanted to know my question, age, first name and state. After 10 minutes of waiting, the screener clicked in to tell me I was next. The caller before me got the good doctor cranky. After she greeted me and I told her I was a long-time fan, I asked my question and began to summarize the backstory so she would have a better picture of my situation.

Well, I didn't get too far before she pounced and snipped at me and told me I was wrong. I said she had given me a lot to think about and she corrected me "no I didn't!!!" and told me I had to do what she had said, it was my duty.  When I tried to add more information, she scolded me and said "who cares??!!" Then she warned me not to be "whiney" or "sulky" when I go and do the right thing she had told me to do. I said I absolutely would not be whiney or sulky and she interrupted me again to tell me what to do and then there was just air. When the radio came back on, I could hear the last paragraph of our conversation. After she hung up on me, she snapped "and that is how it's done!!" to her listeners. She never did get to hear the rest of the information surrounding my situation - she just reacted to the headline.

This bruising got me thinking about how quickly we may jump to conclusions when our spouse or kids are trying to tell us something. We hear just a few words and snap, think we know where this is going and launch into commentary or lecture. The other person is left taken aback and stammering to try and clarify, but it's too late. Our all-knowing brilliance has already filtered, processed and concluded.

The trouble is, in real life it takes longer than 30 seconds to adequately explain a situation so that the listener can hear where you are coming from. Blanket truths cannot be so glibly applied without more information. I'm not talking about every little teeny timy detail. Examples will do. Asking clarifying - not judgmental - questions and comments will also help set the stage. Deciding how this is going to end up without full information will not build your relationship, nor will you be able to give an objective answer.

So many times in my parenting journey, I have jumped to the wrong conclusion and one of my more-patient-than-me kids has calmly explained otherwise. Then I tuck my ignorant head under my wing, apologize and exit the room. I am getting better, but I still jump sometimes. What I have learned is that the times I jump to a negative conclusion in a nano second, I am usually in error. It really wasn't what it looked like or sounded like. My kid really was being a solid citizen - it just didn't initially look like it. More information filled in the gaps.

Judging others is never a wise thing to do. Things are not what they might look like. Going through a divorce a long time ago, my ex insisted I drive his Mercedes because of how expensive the upcoming car tabs were and he wanted to cause me further financial anxiety. Sure, I looked like all was well as I drove that car but I only had $20 in my wallet. No one knew that part, but they sure snarked at me at church about how "hard" I had it. I didn't answer Dr. Laura and I didn't answer those unkind judgers. But am I ever glad my kids took the time to give me some more information all those times when I was out of line and pouncing.

Here's to holding back on instant reactions and getting more information first.

Ready For The Next Stage?

Social media has been on fire the last couple of weeks with parent postings about the next stage their kids are entering. First day of Kindergarten, Middle School, High School and College. Milestones all. And not just for the kids. It is also the first for the parents. Even if they have older children who have already done this, it is a first for each child and thus a first for the parent of a child in that stage.

By far, the postings with the most emotion are from the parents sending their kids off to college. They can't believe 18 years have come and gone so quickly and share the pictures showing a baby morph into a young man or woman about to embark on their biggest adventure. They don't know how they are going to handle walking past their empty bedrooms and see them only on holidays when just a few weeks ago they were handing out chores and curfews. They are proud of the young adults their babies have become while at the same time aching that this time has come already.

The first-time college parents now have much in common with first-time newborn parents: both are traveling completely new territory and don't have the script down yet. Everything is new and roles are being defined.

This blog entry is for those of you who wonder how you can let go of your baby. Whether your first, last or only. How can you navigate these uncharted waters with this particular child?

First of all, forget the microwave. Use it only to make popcorn or steam green beans. It isn't meant for you to instantly grasp your morphing role or the realization that you will not be seeing your child on a daily basis. Recognize that this will take time for you to adapt to this changing relationship and that it is okay. Bye-bye unrealistic expectations. Dittoes for your new Freshman.

Second, you have been working toward this time ever since their very first birthday. You've walked them through each developmental step, you've provided opportunities for them to discover their passions, you've guided them in their thinking. They are ready. So are you, perhaps you just forgot that part of your job description in all the fanfare of each of their accomplishments. Deep breath. Big smile. They are so eager to test their wings right now it hasn't hit them yet like it has you.

Third, accept the fact that as "legal adults" you can no longer control, you can only guide and influence. And that is only if they want to hear your thoughts. Legally, they don't have to. And the school isn't going to send you their grades because it isn't your business now. If you are financially providing for their education, you have some clout there. If you aren't, then accept the fact that all you have is the relationship you built over the past 18 years.

That's the kind of relationship we had with our firstborn when she went off to college - relationship, period. We were not able to contribute financially so we didn't have the power to threaten financially. But she did listen to us - after awhile. We had to learn to listen to her and not share our opinions.
We did a lot of waiting and praying because we wanted her to arrive at the safest conclusion on her own.

Example:
Her: "Mom!! Guess what??? I am driving to Florida over Spring Break!!"
      My Thoughts: Oh no!! 4 innocent girls in a crappy car with thousands of drunk kids??NO!! NO!!!!!
My Words: "Wow! When are you leaving?"
Her: "Sunday."
My Words: "Where will you be staying?"
Her: "Tina's older sister's friend's aunt. She's like 26 and really cool."
     My Thoughts: NOOOOOOO!!!!
My Words: "Then you'll split gas and oil, sounds pretty inexpensive."

Following this "listening", I began fiercely praying for her wisdom and safety. A few days later, I got a call that she wasn't going to go after all, because she only had $100. "Good thinking, honey." That's all I said. I hung up and with a trembling heart of gratitude, thanked God.

This brings us to my fourth point: resist the urge to lecture, inform, remind or retort. Have your tongue cut out if you need to. Time to bring your A Game in reflective listening. The calmer you are when your new college student tests the "sharing waters" with you, the more you will hear and the more you can potentially influence. Practice neutral replies. Practice sounding calm. You can have your complete reaction after you hang up the phone. Our early adult kids need to arrive at healthy conclusions on their own. If you tell them what to do, they will either ignore you and do it anyway - or worse yet - remain a dependent child without the ability to handle situations on their own and look for the "someone else" to show them what to do.

Fifth: Resist the temptation to fret or hover. It won't do anyone any good and will only serve to give you anxiety or sound like a micro-manager and drive your kid away. I know some parents who did such a "good job" hovering over their son in high school and had their hand in how he even arranged items on his dresser, when he went off to college he didn't even call home for three weeks. The mom worried that he was "spending all his money on pizza and not eating right" and just couldn't understand why he wouldn't return their calls - "they were such a close family". Another family called their student so often it was as if they were in the dorm room right along with her. Letting them breathe is good for everyone.

Sixth: Establish reasonable expectations for communication and conduct. It is definately okay to expect your "house rules" to be respected when they come home. By the same token, Complete the ITP, review. Take client to library to practice socialization. Continue to follow up with Fish chart and behaviors toward mother. Follow up with mother's consistency and possibly add new House Rules. your instinct to want in on every detail will allow your relationship to move into the next stage. This stage will take as long as it takes  child to become a fully autonomous adult living and providing for themselves. It has only just started.

The early post-high school stage is probably the hardest because it is the first time many parents no longer see their child on a daily basis. It can be a rude awakening. Regardless if they stay at home or go away, our influence must diminish in order for all of us to deal with growing up in a healthy way.

What if you are having a hard time accepting this next stage? Seek out friends who have already navigated this well and connect with them. Start a new hobby or take a class - you're not done yet! Rearrange your house. Change up your routines. Stay away from negative thinking and negative people. Volunteer with kids younger than yours and share your expertise. Mentor a new mom. Think outside the box you know so well. Remember, this is your next stage, too.

Finally, deepen your trust in God. Experience an in-depth Bible study that increases your knowledge of God's desire for relationship. If you don't know where to look, usually large non-denominational churches in each community offer men, women or couples Bible studies. Even some smaller churches offer studies and you do not have to attend the church in order to participate. There are also several international Bible studies for men and women that are excellent at providing a foundation. Google Community Bible Study or Bible Study Fellowship and find a local church hosting these studies. (CBS now even offers home study.)

Above all else, pray. The more you pray for your child in specific ways, the closer you will feel to him and the more peace you will feel from God. Remember, God loves your child so much more than you ever could fathom! Rest in that peace and enjoy this next stage.

More is on the way! :)