The Other Manners Kids Should Learn By Age 9

Someone recently reposted a Parents Magazine article entitled "25 Manners Your Child Should Learn By Age 9" on Facebook. It was a pretty good list and covered lots of once-common but now altogether too-rare courtesies. Saying "please" and "thank you" and sitting still during a boring recital were a couple. The entire list could be summarized by teaching children to respect other people. That being said, here are a few more from me to add to the list.

- In North America, when walking somewhere in public - the street, Target, the mall - stay on the right side of the road/aisle/hall. If you are walking in a group, pair up and do not take over the entire sidewalk. If you need to pass slower walkers, politely step up your pace. Do not act as if they were a car and "ride their bumper."

- If you see someone you know as you are getting off an escalator or exiting an elevator or are in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store, do not stop and block the other passengers/shoppers in order to have your reunion. Move aside so that others can pass before you begin reminscing.

- Do not eat in front of guests unless you plan to feed them, too. If you don't have enough to offer them, wait until later or change to something you can share.

- When you are standing in line with other people, be mindful of their body space. Imagine a bubble the size of a hula hoop and stand that far behind them. If you can see inside someone else's wallet, you are too close.

- It never hurts to ask "what else can I do?" when cleaning up. If this carries over to your first job, you will be considered a more valuable employee.

- Along the cleaning lines - if you are going into another room, see what you can take with you. Don't go empty-handed. Even if it isn't something you left out, it is going to help the household get organized.  After all, parents are always putting stuff they didn't use back where it belongs.

- Never leave someone else stranded on the toilet without toilet paper. If you can see that the roll is getting low, place another roll next to it before you leave. If you take the last piece of paper, toss away the empty roll and put another one on the roller.

- Shake hands and look the person in the eye. A nice grip and one shake will do it. Say hello and introduce yourself. If you already know them, ask them how they are or tell them it is good to see them again.

- If you are in a bad mood, don't take it out on other people in public. Be polite to them - they haven't done anything. If they talk to you, look them in the eye and respond kindly. Your bad mood is not an excuse to treat another human poorly. This will become really important when you get your driver's license.

- It is never okay to hurt another person or creature, verbally or physically. If you see this going on, tell them to knock it off. Get an adult if necessary. Keeping quiet when you see something like this is like saying you agree with it. Use your voice.

- If you are talking to one person and someone you know walks up to join you, introduce them to your friend. Don't let someone stand there not knowing someone else. It is rude to leave the other person out. Also, don't talk about an event in front of someone if they weren't there or weren't invited. That is not only rude, it is hurtful.

- Put things back where you found them, then they will be there the next time you need them. If it does not belong to you and you have permission to use it, take excellent care of it and be prepared to replace it, otherwise don't use it. Wherever you are, treat things carefully. Just because the church crayons don't belong to you is no reason to break or throw them.

- If someone is mean to you, do not bother to be mean back to them. Then you are acting just like them instead of yourself. Don't let the way anyone behaves stop you from being who you are. When you are an adult and do more shopping you will run into a lot of grouchy cashiers that you can practice on.

- When you are out with your friends, be careful not to get so loud that other people can't enjoy themselves. You aren't the only ones using the space. Keep your volume down and don't take over. Also, take your trash to the garbage can - don't leave a mess where you were sitting. Just because your parents aren't sitting next to you doesn't mean you stop being polite.

- Remember that no person is more special than another. Just because you don't know their name does not mean they don't matter. Treat each person with value no matter what they look or smell like. The cool kids really aren't that cool - they are just other kids. No one is more important than another - they may make more goals or get good grades or have the newest iPad - but they aren't any better or worse. If you keep this in mind, you will save yourself a lot of high school drama and become a good neighbor one day. Sadly, this is one manner many adults fail at. Decide ahead of time to value all people.

These are all things that adults can work on, too. Just remember, you aren't the only person on the planet. That's a good thing.

Ever Been to Manners Camp?

When our son was 3, his 13-year-old sister was babysitting him one summer day. Fed up with his toddler table manners, she created his very own Manners Camp. Her curriculum included proper posture, placement of napkins and elbows and correct use of utensils. They practiced over and over. When I got home, she eagerly informed me that her little brother had gone to Manners Camp and done very well. I'll never forget the smile of accomplishment on her face as he proudly demonstrated sitting at the table and chewing with his mouth closed. Just one visit to that "camp" made a big difference in his life.

As I navigate a typical day and encounter different people, I wish everyone could go to Manners Camp. Aside from teaching proper table manners, a few more topics need to be covered. It's a head-scratcher why those in authority over impressionable children do not work on training basic polite behavior that includes the fact that there are indeed other people in the world beside ourselves.

1. No spitting unless it is in your bathroom sink.  Argh, I've had huge wads of spit ejected out of male mouths ages 5 - 55 walking right in front of me. Sometimes I have to step around the glop they left on the sidewalk. Teen boys are the worst offenders, but dads do it too. When they do that, they are displaying a lack of concern for anyone else.

2. Have your conversations in public off to the side - not in the middle of an aisle in a store. What are other shoppers supposed to do, go around you while you block their way and chat on? If you stand off to the side you can have your conversation and others can shop. Double win. Last week I hit the jackpot - two middle-age men stood chatting in the middle of the parking lot lane completely oblivious to me in a car trying to get past them! I had to sit and wait for them, no kidding. Where did they learn to ignore a 3,000 ton vehicle much less other person?

3. Don't interrupt unless it's an emergency. This one really bugs me, especially when I am speaking to an adult and their kids burst in. Rather than tell their child not to interrupt, many will pause our conversation to answer the kid demand. All that does is teach them that it is acceptable to keep one's needs at the top of the list. I love it when kids who have been trained to be polite stand quietly at the elbow of an adult patiently waiting their turn to ask their question.

4. Clean up after yourself...and even others as you go. This is so easy and expeditious. Just bring your empty glass to the sink when you are done. Take the one next to it along. Walking back upstairs? Bring any item you know belongs there rather than leaving it for a return trip. Getting out of the car? Don't forget your empty water bottle and any other trash sitting around. This demonstrates the concept of thoughtfulness.

5. Hold the door open for others. This common courtesy has all but vanished in North America. Even when my youngest was in a stroller 16 years ago, businessmen entering a coffee shop right in front of me would let the door slam in our faces. Just. Plain. Rude. We can all do with some more thinking about the person coming after us, especially if their arms are full.

6. Say Thank You. And when you do it, make eye contact and smile. When I shop, clerks hand me my purchase and say "there you go" or "have a nice day." Kids of all ages must learn to thank someone for a kindness, and when they are old enough to work or babysit, they need to say thank you to their customer. I used to try to have my child write the thank-you note before even playing with the gift.

7. Replace the empty roll of toilet paper. How many times have you been stranded in the Loo because the person who last used the facility took the last bit of toilet paper? Even if you are at a friend's house, let the host know the roll is empty. Don't send the message that even what you do in the Loo is more important than anyone else by leaving them without this basic need. This is the ultimate insult to others.

Failure to teach our children these simple acts of humanity will result in the dreaded rude drivers of the future. Rude drivers are the ultimate gasp on my Bad Manners list. You know who they are. They are the ones who won't let you merge even with your turn signal on. The ones who speed up so you can't get in or are trying to slow down so you can turn. The ones who give you the rude finger gesture for being in their way...and then they go home and say hello to the wife and kids. Do you want your kids to be that father? The one who behaves rudely in public but is nicer to those he knows by name? I don't. This selfish behavior started a long time ago by what wasn't taught when the opportunity was there.

Make the most of your Manners Camps while you can, so you can launch an adult who recognizes there are others in the world beside themselves. Too bad that is such a novel concept in this self-indulgent age.

...Trying to make a dent...

Top Ten Social Skills I Wish Every Parent Would Teach Their Kids

10. How not to interrupt; either when a parent is on the phone, or when the parent is conversing in person (unless of course, the house is on fire)

9. How to complete a task without needing affirmation for each step (that also limits unnecessary phone calls, texts, interruptions)

8. How to treat ALL adults politely - teachers, other parents, coaches, etc.

7. How to greet people of all ages by making eye contact and using words, not grunts - crack a smile, even...

6. How to host more than one friend at your home and treat each with kindness (and share appropriately with inclusivity)

5. How to behave in public - no top of the escalator reunions, no screaming in the grocery store cart, no standing in the middle of an aisle

4. How to eat politely, and where to put the dishes - or at least how to offer to clear the table

3. How to hold the door open for the person behind you, especially if they are pushing a stroller of have their arms full

2. How to walk to the right in North America! This includes sidewalks, stores... and if you are walking in a pack, leave room for others coming the other way

1. How to say PLEASE and THANK YOU!! (This seems to be a lost art... when we buy something at Target, we're told "Here you go" or "Have a nice day". We just spent some hard-earned $, where did the "Thank-you" go? What about teaching our kids to say thank-you to the lunch lady at school? The bus driver? Their teacher? Their Sunday School teacher?)