Love You, Don't Like You

We've all met kids we don't like and have had to deal with them - or our feelings about those buggers. What if the kid we don't like does not belong to our brother-in-law or isn't that little irritating one belonging to our neighbor ... but our own?'

ARGH. It happens.

The good news is that you can LOVE your kid, just not what they are doing. In my humble opinion, it is more than okay to dislike their actions and want to shrink from them at times. Yes, acknowledging this is a stab in your heart. But wait -- didn't your heart already get stabbed by your disappointment? You can do this. You can acknowledge this and keep going with hope and continue being a good parent.

A concept I have clung to since I was in college is that while I may not like everyone, God wants me to love them. Yes, I have not always liked my kid because of what they were doing or how they were acting, but I have always loved them.

Some times we need to wait to see a glimmer in their eyes that they are still "in there". But I never think we should give up on our babies. We need God's grace to keep us in tact as we wait to see the character displayed that we always yearned or prayed for. We need to keep following our principles without whining. And, act neutral.

A mentor taught me the importance of keeping thy mouth shut in order to keep her family in tact. She did not approve of her child's choice of mates but remained gracious and loving. Years later, her child discovered for themselves the true character of that poor choice and made different decisions. Graciousness wins all the time. Had the mom spoken her mind early on, she would have lost the relationship with her child. Instead, she plugged along.

The same thing goes when a child is going through an ugly period of development and I just don't mean zits. They may be doing or saying things you abhor. Their personality may clash with yours. You may see your flesh-and-blood being snotty or hurting other kids. Maybe they even dislike one of your other kids or have started to steal or do drugs. Draw the line.

In my work, I have dealt with many families where a parent's heart is wounded because of a child's actions. Bottom line: they want their babies to knock it off and refocus. Stand strong on your principles if you find yourself in this scenario. You have laid the foundation. Remember that. Respond when they are on track and don't get sucked into their drama when they aren't. Keep stating the main goals. Depend on God and don't compare yourself to other families.

If you didn't know how to lay down a parenting foundation, contact me. That's my passion and I'll walk you through it.

Keeping your chin firm and "letting" kids experience reality consequences has also been called "tough love". It requires patience, action and ongoing prayers. In extreme cases, you may need to be the one to place your child in treatment or call the police. Do it. Forget about what people think, take steps to keep your baby alive with a chance at a future. Side stepping this necessary action will surely kill them in one way or another and deny a future of good mental health at the least.

Not extreme - just a kid with a lousy attitude that makes you shirk? Keep those family rules and don't try to fix it when they get kicked off a team or are shunned by peers because of their behavior. Be glad reality is in their face and pray for realization but don't nag.  So what if they can't graduate with their class.  Get them help. Are they hurting the family emotionally? Stop their access to areas they are impacting. Maybe they don't get to go to the family dinner. Perhaps they have been so ungrateful there is no birthday gift. Shrug your shoulders and tell them you wish you could have done otherwise, but their choices dictated reality and walk away.

Less is more. Make simple statements and resist the necessary urge to rant on and on. If you don't, you have shot yourself in the proverbial foot. No one listens to ramblings. It's a sure signal for them to tune out. Just be calm, concise and brief.

Remember, your goal is to launch a fully functioning human into the world. Whatever their age of adulthood. Fully functioning people do not have people coddling, excusing or solving it for them. Fully functioning people have learned how to deal with the real stuff in life and take responsibility for their behavior. If you provide this scenario without narration, you are on the right track!

Along the way, you are bound not to like some of what your kids do. After all, they are human just like you. Don't focus on the alarm that you don't like something - focus on your end goal and know you are doing the right thing and in good company. If it's more than that, it's time for some counseling so you don't leave a mark on another human, much less one of your very own creation.

That's Not Funny, Steve Carrell

One of the funniest actors I enjoy is Steve Carrell. His ability to hold his face neutral while delivering inane dialog and get a huge laugh is admirable - and absolutely hilarious.

Recently he was on Jay Leno sharing a requisite "funny family story".  Apparently he accidentally rented an R-rated movie to show at his 9-year-old's big sleepover. They saw Predator. And now, chuckled dear Steve, he's known as "that dad" at his son's school.

That would be the dad who opened the door ahead of time. The dad who laughingly used poor judgement. The dad who permitted explicit media in his home geared toward a much more mature audience. Not only "that dad"... but the one who trumped the authority of other parents and choose for them. Repeat: he made the choice for other parents. That is not funny.

Parents: Never be the one known for having loose standards or the house where kids can get away with things. Never ever ever decide something so big as when a child will be introduced to mature content for another parent's kid. It's okay to go for it with little things like cookies or ice cream, but never anything as big as exposing someone else's child to material generated for older age groups. Carrell thinks most of the movie "went over their heads". Wait a few years for their vocabularies to grow and ask again. He was wrong.

No, Steve Carrell my favorite comedian and charming man, no. You blew something bigger than that one sleepover night and turned it into a "funny story thing".  This is much more than that. And what you did, you can't erase. You caused imprint on children's minds. Imprint that will weave its way through their current frame of references and leave acid droppings and questions on their future snapshots as they filter experiences and images while they continue to mature and develop. On behalf of the other parents, thanks for nothing. That was negative imprint.

Parents must respect other parents and err on the side of modesty. Much better to ask forgiveness for offering red meat  than a virtual introduction to "mature content". The red meat vegetarian parents don't want their kids to eat can leave the body within 24 hours, thoughts are there forever. This error cannot be apologized away. It's there.

Steve did not do this intentionally, I'm sure. He just wasn't on alert as a parent. The greatest influence we have on our children enters through their eyes and minds. Something many adults fail to place a high value on. The shorter ones are absorbing more than you think and watching you carefully. Humbly recognize this and adapt accordingly.

We held a lot of family events at our home where the kids ended up in the family room downstairs for a period of time. Our kids were in charge of monitoring which videos were watched and which video games were played. It was G only when other kids were over. Yes they resisted at first about my insistence that none of the other games we allowed them to play would be accessed for a couple of hours, but respected my request. When our daughter was 13 and hosting a slumber party, the girls wanted to watch a PG 13 movie. Knowing one of the moms was careful about content, I called and asked her if that was okay before showing it. She appreciated my contact.

I never want to be known as the house where something premature or unacceptable was introduced. It is each family's own business if and when they introduce any kind of media. This decision is not for any other person to make. Not an older sibling, grandparent or babysitter. It is up to the parents.

Heaven help you if you have family members or babysitters sabotaging you. Just don't be the neighbor or friend adding to it - kids are growing older at a rate much too young as it is and don't have the skills to handle their futures any faster.

If you need a nudge to believe me, just watch what no one even blinks at any more. We've been conditioned to normalize and laugh where we used to blink.  Culturally we have relegated caution to nostalgia. Let's bring it back and train the coming generations to age in a healthy sequence and not rush exposure to things they literally can't wrap their minds around til later. All that does is contribute to the plague of desensitivy.  And that really isn't funny.

The Other Manners Kids Should Learn By Age 9

Someone recently reposted a Parents Magazine article entitled "25 Manners Your Child Should Learn By Age 9" on Facebook. It was a pretty good list and covered lots of once-common but now altogether too-rare courtesies. Saying "please" and "thank you" and sitting still during a boring recital were a couple. The entire list could be summarized by teaching children to respect other people. That being said, here are a few more from me to add to the list.

- In North America, when walking somewhere in public - the street, Target, the mall - stay on the right side of the road/aisle/hall. If you are walking in a group, pair up and do not take over the entire sidewalk. If you need to pass slower walkers, politely step up your pace. Do not act as if they were a car and "ride their bumper."

- If you see someone you know as you are getting off an escalator or exiting an elevator or are in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store, do not stop and block the other passengers/shoppers in order to have your reunion. Move aside so that others can pass before you begin reminscing.

- Do not eat in front of guests unless you plan to feed them, too. If you don't have enough to offer them, wait until later or change to something you can share.

- When you are standing in line with other people, be mindful of their body space. Imagine a bubble the size of a hula hoop and stand that far behind them. If you can see inside someone else's wallet, you are too close.

- It never hurts to ask "what else can I do?" when cleaning up. If this carries over to your first job, you will be considered a more valuable employee.

- Along the cleaning lines - if you are going into another room, see what you can take with you. Don't go empty-handed. Even if it isn't something you left out, it is going to help the household get organized.  After all, parents are always putting stuff they didn't use back where it belongs.

- Never leave someone else stranded on the toilet without toilet paper. If you can see that the roll is getting low, place another roll next to it before you leave. If you take the last piece of paper, toss away the empty roll and put another one on the roller.

- Shake hands and look the person in the eye. A nice grip and one shake will do it. Say hello and introduce yourself. If you already know them, ask them how they are or tell them it is good to see them again.

- If you are in a bad mood, don't take it out on other people in public. Be polite to them - they haven't done anything. If they talk to you, look them in the eye and respond kindly. Your bad mood is not an excuse to treat another human poorly. This will become really important when you get your driver's license.

- It is never okay to hurt another person or creature, verbally or physically. If you see this going on, tell them to knock it off. Get an adult if necessary. Keeping quiet when you see something like this is like saying you agree with it. Use your voice.

- If you are talking to one person and someone you know walks up to join you, introduce them to your friend. Don't let someone stand there not knowing someone else. It is rude to leave the other person out. Also, don't talk about an event in front of someone if they weren't there or weren't invited. That is not only rude, it is hurtful.

- Put things back where you found them, then they will be there the next time you need them. If it does not belong to you and you have permission to use it, take excellent care of it and be prepared to replace it, otherwise don't use it. Wherever you are, treat things carefully. Just because the church crayons don't belong to you is no reason to break or throw them.

- If someone is mean to you, do not bother to be mean back to them. Then you are acting just like them instead of yourself. Don't let the way anyone behaves stop you from being who you are. When you are an adult and do more shopping you will run into a lot of grouchy cashiers that you can practice on.

- When you are out with your friends, be careful not to get so loud that other people can't enjoy themselves. You aren't the only ones using the space. Keep your volume down and don't take over. Also, take your trash to the garbage can - don't leave a mess where you were sitting. Just because your parents aren't sitting next to you doesn't mean you stop being polite.

- Remember that no person is more special than another. Just because you don't know their name does not mean they don't matter. Treat each person with value no matter what they look or smell like. The cool kids really aren't that cool - they are just other kids. No one is more important than another - they may make more goals or get good grades or have the newest iPad - but they aren't any better or worse. If you keep this in mind, you will save yourself a lot of high school drama and become a good neighbor one day. Sadly, this is one manner many adults fail at. Decide ahead of time to value all people.

These are all things that adults can work on, too. Just remember, you aren't the only person on the planet. That's a good thing.

Mom, Mom, Mom, Mommy, Mommy

Are you familiar with the animated TV show Family Guy? I'm not. Just the commercial where little Stewie stands in a doorway saying "Mom. Mom. Mom. Mommy. Mommy. Mommy. Mama. Mama." His irritated mother sighs, "What?"

"Hi." That's all he wanted to say. Just hi. But he hammered away to get her attention first.

Most of us have probably felt exhausted from similar demands from our smaller kids. I know that's why I laugh at this commercial now. In fact my senior son and I have turned it into a joke.

Have you ever been at a friend's house engaged in a serious conversation when one of their kids trots into the room and asks for something? Perhaps even something they could do for themselves. "May I eat a carrot?" "Can I go to the bathroom?" "Will you pour me some water?" Anything like these I say they should be able to do for themselves. But I've seen the mom go get that carrot, interrupting the synch of our conversation at the same time scolding that kid she is talking with another adult.

What about when a sibling tumbles in and says the other one won't let them play the Wii? Or tattles about the mean face that was made? The mom marches to the foot of the stairs and calls out for all the kids to play nice, then returns to you with a sigh. A few minutes later both of these scenarios are repeated only this time it's too close to dinner so absolutely no snack. As they pour their own water, the mom says to you "Just a sec - Hey!! Don't spill on my clean floor!" then returns to the disjointed conversation.

Some moms can tell the future so they lecture ahead of time. You are on the phone this time and she pulls away to tell the kids they had better not drop those towels on the floor like the last time. Or, they see their kid doing a craft and have to tell them this very minute that the glue should be dotted like this instead.

All the while, you are waiting patiently to continue the conversation but by now you have lost your train of thought. The mom complains about how needy her kids are and how she can't get much done because of them.

She doesn't realize she has created all of this by the way they micromanage or hover. I like to call it helicopter  parenting. Always there, aware of everything going on and ready to direct, fix or opine. It's one of the worst things we can do as parents. Offering to guide and narrate everything going on in the house - or in their lives. When will it be okay for these kids to begin to make their own decisions? Are they going to wait until driver's ed class?

Start with the little things and build. Tell your kids they can play the Wii for whatever period of time you pick and that they have to work out their own turns. Then step out of it and go do something else. If one of them comes to tell on the other, calmly turn off the game. Repeat each time until they get the idea that their time with the Wii is their time - not yours to supervise. I believe kids as young as 5 should learn how to pour water and get simple snacks. Rather than teaching them to ask mother bird for every worm, establish guidelines where they have the freedom to serve themselves according to your household rules. If they don't follow, they don't get to do it next time.

Most moms will agree that as soon as they begin talking on the phone or visiting with another adult, their kids flock to their side suddenly in dire need to say something. Here's a simple "Interruption Technique" I like to teach. When your child has something to say, they come and stand quietly next to you and tap you gently on the arm, and wait. You continue to talk, but tap your child back on their arm. The "code" you just used without saying a thing was that he has something to say and you are  acknowledging him, and when you are done with your sentence he will be addressed. Kids love hearing they get to have a code with you! And if you are upbeat when you teach this, they'll follow. Tell them how great they are doing and you've just nipped a major chunk of interruptions out of your future.

So, Do You Think He Likes Me?

This is a heartbreaking story about an innocent 6th grade girl well-loved and intentionally parented by  a highly degreed mother and father. She lived in a fine neighborhood, had already been taught to volunteer, and was an excellent student. She had been exposed to art, travel and had a number of hobbies designed to put her ahead of other college candidates one day.

She was a sweet girl who assertively sold wrapping paper for her school's fundraiser, made great conversation with adults and was set up for success. One weekend, she eagerly accepted an invitation to a middle school party only to find out parents weren't visible even though she and her mother had been told otherwise. She was the last one anyone would think would end up drinking and having intercourse with a boy she had never met before. After the party, her only concern was wondering if the boy liked her.

A mere child just old enough to babysit ignorantly gave up her virginity and possibly exposed herself to how many STDs and her only question was,"Do you think he likes me?"

Boom! This epitomizes the gender difference between young adolescents. Girls are thinking about skipping through the English Garden, linen dress billowing in the gentle breeze strolling hand-in-hand with a pimple-less lad reciting poetry as they sip lemonade. Most teen guys are testosterone-driven thinking mainly about how they can "get some". This precious girl wasn't prepared for that and allowed the ultimate act to be performed on her, and did not comprehend what she had done.

This story illustrates the fact that young teens are still concrete thinkers, unable to process thoughts and experiences in the manner adults do. She didn't even understand the long-term ramifications because she wasn't supposed to be having intercourse yet. As parents and caregivers, it is our moral responsibility to prepare our children for unexpected sexual situations and coach them about what it means (and doesn't mean) and how to safely leave the situation without compromising their purity.

Popular Christian parenting curriculum the past 18 years centers around having a purity weekend with a parent of the same sex honoring the new 13-year-old. All kinds of materials, information and scripture is discussed. At the close of the weekend, the new teen receives some sort of symbol (a ring, a necklace, a bracelet) that they can wear until their wedding one day. They have made a covenant between themselves and God.

While I applaud the weekend idea, I think it is far too late to wait until age 13 to bring up many of the details regarding purity. Remember, the girl in this story was barely 12. Her parents were so busy trying to cover all the opportunities and education, they overlooked training about her body or surprise sexual and social situations. She was intelligent and level-headed, so they didn't have a worry.

From the time my kids could talk, I have told them that their body belongs only to them and that no one should touch them if they don't want them to. (That includes those forced hugs from relatives that makes kids squirm.) No one should ever  touch them on body parts covered by a swimsuit much less see them. Only doctors in the doctor's office were allowed to see or touch their bodies there, and only for an examination. One day when they were grown up, their husband or wife would be able to love and touch them anywhere they wanted. But while they are growing up, that is not safe. I also taught them to tell me if any other child or adult tried to touch them.

I am glad I had this talk, because my five-year-old son was able to tell me about the 10-year-old boy in the summer day camp bathroom who wanted to examine him. If he had not been pre-armed to be aware (not scared - just aware), who knows what might have happened?

Having these sensitive conversations should include age-appropriate content (at attention-span length) and should always be conducted calmly and couched with parental concern for the child's well-being. In later elementary years, purity can also be introduced. Caveat: In no way is this about the popular word "shame". We do not want our children to be ashamed of their bodies, but to understand how special their bodies are and that they are created in God's image. Therefore, they should treat their bodies accordingly and allow things at the appropriate time in life. They are the only ones in charge of their bodies.

What happened to the girl? She told her mom who promptly took her for a medical exam. The mom called the host parents. They had more in-depth conversations after that and were more cautious. She continued to excel in all areas of talent and grew up to be a healthy young woman. But no one could take back that one night when she lost her innocense.

The Kitchen is Closed

When my daughter was in third grade, we went out to dinner at the local burger joint along with a neighbor and her third and first grade sons. We each ordered for ourselves and kids and waited at the counter for our trays of burgers and fries to be ready. I remember that the mother had some coaching to do with the first grade son, but didn't think too much about it.

That is, until we sat down in our booth and began unwrapping our burgers. Much to the first grade son's disappointment, the burger he unwrapped was not the child-size one he had ordered. It was the regular size burger with exactly the same condiments and cheese requested. He began to pout loudly and whine to his mother.

My girl and I exchanged glances, uncertain what the problem was because he got what he wanted - just a little bigger. He could eat a little less and be fine. No big deal, right? Wrong. He continued to whimper and his mother continued to coddle him until she appologetically went back to the counter and ordered him a new, smaller burger. She had a big smile that she had pleased her son, and he happily bit into his perfect burger.

I thought she had just taught her sons that they can have whatever they wanted and cringed for their future wives who would have to live up to high expectations.

Over the years I have met many a parent who has catered to her child's eating whims. They have gone so far as to create separate meals in order to get them to eat. As they explain their predicament to me, they shrug as if they are powerless and continue to outline the lengths they have gone to get something edible down the throat of their child.

Perhaps because I was once just such a finicky eater (PBJs every day for a year) I determined not to to bring another such person into the world.

So in my grown-up house, we serve the same dinner to everyone. That is the food available for the meal, period. You can't turn your nose up to what has been prepared and go make macaroni. You can, however, have a bowl of cereal later if you ate dinner and are still hungry. I have encouraged our kids to at least taste something new, and if they really do hate it, we don't force it. After all, I don't like beets, either.

We also got the kids cooking at an early age so they could see what went into a meal. By the time they were in early elementary grades, they would shop with me for the ingredients and work on each step of the meal with some help. There is no magic fairy in our house. The  phrase "the kitchen is closed" was implemented to keep late-nite snackers from messing up or a kid who refused dinner to try and wheedle food out of us later on . Usually we would add the time the kitchen was closed to this pronouncement. We'd say it calmly, brightly adding that "breakfast will be served at 8:00."

A huge influence on my philosophy of meal time magic comes from Dr. Kevin Leman, renowned parenting expert and psychologist for over 30 years. (Check out all his books on Amazon! They are fun reading with practical applications.) In one of his books, he shares this suggestion he gave a mom with a fussy kid who didn't like spaghetti - the rest of the family's favorite meal. Dr. Leman told the mom to make that spaghetti and set the table for everyone except the whiner, then call the family for dinner. They calmly begin serving and eating the meal. The whiner came in the room and wondered why there wasn't a plate for him, and the mom cheerfully told him, "well honey, you don't like spaghetti." The stunned kid wandered over to the kitchen counter, lifted the lid on the sauce pot and said, "well, I could eat this spaghetti." He never complained again. And yes, he even ate spaghetti.

My absolute favorite Dr. Leman story is the one where the whiney eater - sitting at the table - looks at his plate and whimpers that he doesn't like this stuff. The parent cheerfully says ""okay", stands up and takes his plate to the sink where he dumped the entire contents. They calmly return to the dinner table and continue eating. The astonished kid asks what happened. Their cheerful reply, "You said you didn't like it. Breakfast will be at 8:00. You are excused." That kid  never complained again, either. I only had to do this once. It works. The key is you being cool, calm and unruffled.

If you haven't guessed by now, my favorite way of parenting involves reality - not lecturing, not reminding. At first you will have to work at acting calmer than you really are. But very soon, if you are committed and consistent, you will realize you really are.

P.S.  You can modify these ideas for older kids who don't show up on time at the dinner table. Breakfast is at 8:00.

Bon Appetit!

Everything Isn't Always As It Seems

This summer I planted two tomato plants. At first I didn't even think they would grow because nothing seemed to happen for weeks. I just kept watering them. Suddenly, the plant on the right really sprouted. I kept watering both but thought we would probably lose the one on the left. Every few days the one on the right continued to surprise me and have another growth spurt.  It even gave birth to some green tomatoes. The one on the left finally decided to grow. It still hasn't produced any tomatoes, but it is flowering like crazy and is now taller than the one on the right.

I sure wouldn't have predicted this.

Isn't this just like life? Things look one way to us but often turn out surprisingly different once they unfold. Or, we just get more information.

Simple things like walking in the room and finding a broken lamp on the floor and several sheepish kids standing nearby. If we were but to ask "What were you trying to accomplish?" rather than begin a tirade, we might find out they weren't throwing things but were trying to dust the lamp.

Simple things like hearing screams and walking in on your kids fighting and assuming the loudest one or the oldest one surely must have started it. That quiet one, that younger one may just have your number and is enjoying their secret power.

Medium things like thinking your child who does not like school is a disappointment or isn't very smart because that is what their grades say. Perhaps they do not learn well in a classroom setting catering to auditory, compliant learners? Maybe they need to walk around as they read? Or maybe they might need extra help?

Medium things like getting an incident report sent home from your child's high school noting that your son vandalized property and immediately yelling at him. After all, he is one of those teenage boys. If you were to ask him before accepting the report as valid, you might learn all he did was unplug some computer cables in the PC lab out of boredom and the teacher checked the "most appropriate" box on a poorly designed form.

Hard things like your daughter's most smiley friend is actually the one with the most problems or is actually deviously hurting your child behind your back. Just because someone looks you in the eye and is a charmer doesn't mean that is who they are when you aren't around. Worse yet, a child in emotional or physical pain could do the same thing.

And the worst thing like your own child faking you out. They are so nice and compliant and never make a noise. They must be good, right? After all, they are quiet and they are good because they never make a peep and do well in school and might even volunteer at church camp. They feed you the lines you want to hear and you believe them... only to find out later you were played as they racked up warrants and failures such as stealing your credit card and getting DUI's. They just schmoozed you to get by and keep you in tow.

I have met people in each of the above examples. One is even mine. The stupid vandalism citation. The school's form actually categorized it as "terrorism" and did I let them have it for such a broad category. And yes, we told our son not to disrupt the class even though his father and I would have probably done the same thing. No harm was intended.

The reason I like my tomato plants is because something good and unexpected is happening  and I like to think that good things happen in life and that we should be less narrow minded and more hopeful. And we just need to keep watering so we don't miss out.

I Didn't Treat My Kids The Same

Ever meet a family and wonder how one kid looks or acts nothing like anybody else? I love to look at features and movements and note familial similarities. Sometimes while walking behind a father and son as they enter Target I'll grin because they walk the same way or swing their arms the same. Once I saw a worried mother with her baby daughter in the cart with the exact same worried expression!

Most parents would say they tried to treat their children the same. If Tommy got a treat, so did Susie. It's only fair. If big sis gets her ears pierced at age 10, so will little sis. They all get to go to camp.

In my case I didn't treat my children the same for several reasons and in this order:
1. They were born 10 years apart
2. They had different temperaments
3. They were different genders
4. Our family situation was financially different each time

First-born daughter loved books from the moment she could sit up and hold a board book. She didn't want to be held and being sent to her room was paradise. There she could do her arts and crafts, draw or write. She read through the entire World Book Encyclopedia, one book at a time and remembered almost everything she ever read. School was important to her and so were her grades (for most of the time anyway).  Basketball was her love each year beginning in first grade.

She had a trust fund and wanted for nothing. Because of the trust, she was able to attend summer sleepover camps, including the prestigious Stanford Basketball Camp. She was able to purchase new wardrobes each school year as well as the class ring. She went to private schools and owned every piece of the uniform options. She had a cell phone and computer system rivaling most. She had great looking bedroom furniture. In addition, she went on several mission trips and vacations with high school friends. Thanks to her trust, she was able to apply to any college in the country and have all four years paid for. Anything we did as a family came out of the family coffers, not the trust. We lived in the same house through middle school and high school and enjoyed decorating and remodeling it.

Ten years later along came our son. I think the doctors blew the due date and induced him too early because he was smaller than a premie, jaundiced and screaming for weeks. When he finally hit 6 weeks old, the screaming stopped but he always wanted to be held. All the time. His favorite toys were rubbery, small and squishy. He was too impatient for books, although we could get through at least a bedtime story if we skipped some pages. He wanted to know how things worked. When he was 18 months old, we gave him a hammer and he went around our old deck hammering in nails. He was thrilled with parks, climbing towers and trees. School was and is a torture to be endured. In third grade all he brought home were pictures of dragons and monsters he drew during class. I worried that he didn't know how to draw people. If you sent him to his room he was mortified to be away from people. He tried a number of team sports but fell in love with skiing and going fast even more.

We lost our home and went bankrupt when he was 11 and I lost my job. Over the next few years we down sized, down sized and down sized again. We have sold or given away more stuff than we have. We weren't rich and we weren't hoarders, but all you need is a box or two of grandma's quilts and mom's china to start a pile. Not counting our home, we have moved 4 times in the past 5 years. The familiar homestead does not exist for our son. For him, the only thing familiar are the people. He got his furniture one piece at a time spread out over years. At one point, I noticed his feet looked too small for his 12-year old height and suggested we go buy a new pair of shoes. He had been curling his toes in order to spare us the shoe expense. The new pair I forced on him were 2 sizes bigger!

What a time to suffer financial hardship for a kid entering the expensive teen years. But as I reflect on it, it turned out to be a blessing. When things went south for us it was happening to a number of other families, too. When I would chat with worried mothers fretting about what they could no longer buy for their kids, I tried to get them to focus on the relationships first. Not that I liked counting every single penny but not having stuff wasn't as important as our relationships and our health.

We had to learn to wait for anything that wasn't going directly on the table. Even liquid hand pump soap became a luxury. We litterally saved our change for extras.  We learned together how to find the meat on sale and going to a movie became a very big deal. In short, we learned to appreciate the simple things and drew close in this quest. Here I thought we had been simple all along. But we went from buying Valentine's cards and gifts to making a special meal. We started a new family tradition.

Not only have I learned my children's temperments and love languages, I have learned to navigate life's challenges along with them. One thing that is the same is that they have been shown how to grow through trials and forge ahead.

Mom on Strike

 

I love to tell this true story.

There was a mom of two kids, ten years apart in age. She was also a wife and worked full-time and was taking graduate classes. Her full time job included a lot of  "on call" activities that could not be predicted. In addition to these roles,  she spent a minimum of 3 hours each day driving her kids to and from school in stop and go traffic. We all know that is simply a cue to pull your hair out, especially with the youngest one kicking at the back of the driver's seat and there is nothing you can do about it right then except take a deep breath.

Well this mom was making sure there was food in the refrigerator and on the table, doing the laundry and leading the call to arms regarding basic housekeeping. She was even beginning to experiment with recipes besides casseroles.

Day after day she tried her best to provide her family with clean surroundings, fresh food and guidance while supporting their diverse needs. One day, she had had enough of the lack of help and appreciation from them. She was tired of wiping down the kitchen counter again after someone else when she always left things clean.

"I'm done," she told her family. "I am going on strike. I don't feel that you guys appreciate what I do for you so from now on, I'm not going to do anything. Have at it." At first the eldest and the husband thought she was just on a mini rant and soon she'd be back. She just had to be kidding.

This mom kept her word. She made sure that the youngest was fed and his laundry done, but that was it.  She ate what she wanted, when she wanted and retreated at night to study or watch a decorating show. She was pleasant when she encountered her family members, but she did nothing for them. She didn't do anything against them either. She let go of her mental picture of how tidy things needed to be and even left her own dishes in the sink at times.

The strike lasted 6 months.

That mom was me. After a season, I didn't need to stay on strike. My family had learned what I did for them and I had relaxed from the stress of being my own wife. They learned to appreciate me and I learned I had been doing too much. I did not regret the decisions to start or end the strike. It had been worth it.

Fast forward a dozen years. Everyone pitches in now. Any one of us can flip a load of laundry or put the dishes away. Any one of us can take the full can of trash out without being prompted. And we all say thank you to who ever made dinner or cooked the eggs. And sometimes, just because, we leave the dishes in the sink overnight. Why not? It won't hurt anyone.

Same Page Parenting

Those Hallmark Holidays like Mother's Day and Father's Day can be hard on those who have either lost a parent or have a non-parent instead of the one majestically described on the card. It can also be hard if you are the spouse of someone who has disappointed you in their parenting. Perhaps they continue to blow it with your kids and here you are living with that day in and day out. You've said something now and then and even put a book under their nose, but they continue to behave the way they want and now you see your kids getting affected.

So what do you do when you live this kind of life? Where you are reminded of how good things could be when you see how other couples parent together? Why can't your mate get synchronized - don't they care how this affects the future of the kids? Don't they know this is crushing you?

First of all, accept the fact that this is the way it is. Not that you should give up hope, but take a deep breath and step into the reality that this may be the way it always will be. Determine that you are going to go through this as "God's good girl/boy" and do the right things in his eyes for the sake of your children.

In my first marriage, my then husband was a non-existent father to our two-year old. I provided all the care, clothing, food, bathing, activities and safety. Oh we all lived in the same house, he was just gone "at work" all the time. It got so bad that if the three of us did go somewhere together, she directed all her conversation at me because that is what she was used to. Was I bitter? You bet. Sure I wanted him to actually be a father, and I also wanted some help. I was exhausted every night. He wouldn't get home until well past her bedtime, so every routine was ours and ours alone. I finally got the idea to start thanking God that I was the "only" parent. I would thank him at dinner, at the bath tub and at the bedside. I would thank him after she went to sleep and start all over the next day.

At first I was stubbornly thanking God and I really didn't feel all that thankful. So I admitted that, too. But I kept at it. Pretty soon I was enjoying the routines and I wasn't so wiped out anymore. After all, we did have a darling kid who was fun to be with. I was delighted to be a mother. After while I didn't even thank God for being alone anymore because it wasn't foremost on my radar. I had accepted the sad fact and carved out balance as best as I could.

When you accept the situation, you are freed up. Your focus changes and those rough, snappy edges are filed down. You find peace. You can actually go about life without thinking you are crippled or wounded even if you are. You can grow in other ways and be a contributing person in spite of - or even because of - that huge disappointment or loss.

Because of the actual joy I learned to experience while parenting alone in a marriage, when it sadly came to divorce a few years later, we didn't miss him in the house. He hadn't participated in our every day lives or routines so there were no reminders of what daddy used to do that hurt or haunted us. I had already forgiven him for his non-parenting. (Forgiving the rest of what he did isn't just another blog, it's a book!)

My story is kind of extreme, but the acceptance and letting go lessons can apply to less severe situations too. Finally, hold your tongue and resist the urge to school them. You've already tried that and it didn't work. Just continue to parent the way you know best without lecture or comment. So they forget the coats. The kids whining about being cold will teach him more than you fretting. So what if you spot the better parking space? Let them pick and you button it. Do you really want your kids' memories to be that of you nagging?

Kids see the truth. No one needs to tell them. The parent who won't parent with you will reap the consequences later when their teen comes to you to talk and not them. If that parent asks you why, don't answer that question. Gently suggest they go ask your teen instead. So you might be the only parent your kid is close to. One non-nagging, non-bitter parent trying to follow God is better than none. I believe God honors the intent and fervent prayers of these parents.

So now you have accepted and forgiven. Good job! Now you can go enjoy the stability you are providing your kids and continue to pray that the influence they get from your family impacts their lives positively.

Rest in the knowledge that God loves your babies even more than you do and he more than joins you in desiring his best for them.

If they ask you about the other parent, don't disparage them. Refer them to that parent. Example:
"Mama why doesn't Daddy go to church with us?" Answer, "That would be nice, wouldn't it sweetie?""Why do you think so, Mama?" Answer, "You'll have to ask Daddy." Stay calm and neutral. Or as I call it in parenting workshops be "valium girl" - acting far more chill than you really are at the moment.

Save your venting for a close friend and never within earshot of your kids. Remember, they want to love both parents without condemnation. Giving them the freedom to do that is good for their hearts - and their souls.

More Than One Hour Each Week

167 hours. Minus the one hour on Sunday when your kid might be in Sunday School, that's what you've got at home each week to influence your child for God. Subtracting five 8-hour school days, you're left with 127. Hopefully they sleep at least 8 hours each night, so that puts you at 87 hours. Not bad.

1 vs. 87.

If we rely only on that one hour at church each weekend to deeply impact our children, we're fooling ourselves.

Most kids are in public school and endure forty hours of influence. They are learning more than what is taught by the teacher and developing filters and assessments they wouldn't even think to articulate. They just think it is a part of going to school and doing life.

So what do we do?

We find ways to weave God's truth into everyday lives in everyday moments. We ask God to make us aware and alert, something every ancient Hebrew family knew by heart:

"Listen, O Israel! The Lord is our God, The Lord alone. And you must love The Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength. And you must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands that I am giving you today. Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are on the road, when you are going to bed and when you are getting up. Tie them to your hands and wear them on your forehead as reminders. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." Deuteronomy 6:4-9.

Aiming to teach our kids that God loves us is our highest calling. Placing enough information and experience in their lives so that they decide for themselves to follow God is more important than dance lessons and soccer teams. They can always do that, but their hearts won't always be open and we can't recapture those natural, teachable moments to show our kids the power and awe and truth of God.

Not a Bible scholar? No problem. Neither were those Hebrew parents. They just taught a few verses over and over! Now we have all kinds of resources to equip us, starting with the Bible. Be assured that when Jesus said "let the little children come to me" he wasn't only talking about kids. Admit what you don't know and try your best, God always honors that. And bit by bit, you will be surprised at what you have learned and shared. A friend of mine didn't think she knew enough, either but her desire was to train her young girls. Guess what? She lead them both to accept Christ. That nervous mom trusted God to make her words make sense. Today she confidently continues to share God's truth and is growing with her kids. God loves your children more than you do, remember that.

So what are some simple teachable moments?
- Looking at the stars, tell the story of God's promise to Abraham
- Driving in the car, notice other drivers' behavior and pray for them
- Teach them to pray every time they ride their bike or use scissors
- Start and end the day with short, simple prayers
- Pray aloud for every siren you hear, for the people who need help, for safety
- Notice the details in the changing seasons and share how God has ordered the world
- When coloring, comment on the name of the color and how God made the colors
- Create a "thankful jar" and collect notes for a month, then read as a family
- While listening to the news, pause the radio or TV and pray for what is going on
- Hold the door for others, put trash in public waste cans
- Enjoy pictures of unusal creatures and talk about how God made them all - He made us!
- When correcting wrong behaviour, let them know they also need to apologize to God
- Let them see you honoring their other parent

All of these ideas are what I call "by the way" acts. You were already doing it or going there, so why not just add a sentence or a phrase about God? I like to listen to the Dr. Laura radio program in the car and I can't tell you how many great chats her calls have inspired between me and my kids. None of this requires an extra bit of schedule, just a bit of effort to stop and call attention to God in our everyday lives. Pretty soon it will be a habit and before you know it, you will have added years of meaningful influence to your child's growing soul.

Then, that one hour on Sunday is adding to the foundation you have already laid and you can partner with your children's ministry team for even greater impact.

Letting Go

Our seventeen-year-old son left for Boot Camp last week . He'll be gone 9 weeks. Until recently, the longest this mushy mama had gone without seeing him was 10 days. That mission trip had sure seemed long at the time.

They didn't have him pack much - he's been outfitted from head to toe there - and we don't yet have a complete address to snail mail him. He texted they had landed safely, and we had a short phone call on the night they were locking up the cell phones. You could hear the hum of other guys on their calls home in the background.

Who sends their kid somewhere unknown with no stuff? When we sent his big sister to college, we knew where it was and she packed the entire car full of her stuff. Even though we probably didn't see her for 9 weeks, we could have. And we kept in touch by cell phone.  We knew what her dorm looked like, how the campus laid out and where the dining hall was. I knew every stitch of her clothing and what classes she would be taking and when. I even met her roommate.

We don't know anything about where our son has gone except what we can imagine. Having never been on an Army base, my only two frame of references are Gomer Pyle and M*A*S*H, 
neither of which are probably accurate.

I don't know what he will wear, or when, or why. I don't know when he will eat or sleep or what any facility looks like. I don't know his schedule. I don't know what will be taught to him. I don't know what he sees out the window every day or how many guys sleep in the same room. I don't even know what they call the room he sleeps in, barracks? I don't know how much free time he'll get, if any. I don't know how many people live and work at the base or how secure it is. I don't even know when we will hear from him next.

Yep. I don't know noth'n and we signed the papers to let him go.

When we first sent our daughter to college, I thought I was letting go. Nevermind that her dorm was only 45 minutes away and that we could talk any time we wanted to. We didn't talk that much and she came home just a couple of times, but for all intents and purposes, she was there. This was just my practice at letting go. By the time she left the time zone for a metropolis after college, I had been prepared for the big let go and no longer knew every detail about her life or decor. I just knew her.

This time, I get to practice on our youngest years earlier than anticipated in a much harsher manner. The Army has him. My prayers are less guided because I don't know what is going on, but I can pray for endurance and saftey. And as a mushy mama, I pray his drill sargent isn't a meanie.

People who learn about his summer all say the same thing: "He will come back a man." Well, I thought he was quite the man to even desire to enlist so I can't imagine the man we will be picking up in 8 weeks.

This time, letting go is more like having the rope cut for me. It wasn't my choice in timing, and I'm not protesting or clinging. I understand that this is the next step for him. I think he is learning about letting go this summer, too.

I couldn't be prouder.

Thinking Ahead

When I was in high school, the state I lived in legally allowed you to drink at the age of 18. Even though I was several years younger than my peers, I attended parties in their homes. Sometimes the parents were there, sometimes they weren't. Sometimes the parents even bought the keg. I am certain I was not the only illegal drinker. There were other things going on in back rooms or outside. I naively stayed near the largest group of people inside. I had read novels, so I could guess what was being smoked or otherwise inbibed.

I didn't go to that many parties, but one surely stands out in my memory. Two boys from one of my classes were really, really out of it. One of them I suspected accurately as having taken some illegal substances combined with booze and was really whacked. Slurring and stumbling, he decided that he just wanted to lay down and sleep. Alarmed, I forced him to go outside and walked him around the large yard. He was hard to hold up and was furiously insisting he just needed to sleep. I figured if he passed out he'd never wake up. So we kept limping around the yard til the other buddy relieved me and at my insistence, kept walking him around. At school on Monday, the first guy somberly thanked me for saving his life. I do not recall any adults noticing any of this.

My parents never knew about this incident, and had not prepared me for what to do. Even though I didn't know God at the time, he knew me and was acting in my life. And I just remembered there were times when people should not go to sleep.

The other day I heard that the three boys who raped an unconscious 15-year-old girl last fall at a party were finally arrested. It seems that there was a co-ed slumber party and sweet Audrie drank until she passed out. Then three different boys each took a turn with her while other classmates looked on and took pictures. Audrie did not know what had happened until she saw the pictures online a few days later. Her friends had turned against her and she believed her life was ruined. Within the week she had hanged herself. Ever since then, her parents have been putting the pieces together trying to learn why their bright, beautiful, loving girl with her whole life ahead of her would suddenly take her life. The arrests are a huge step in some form of justice. Her parents want her name and picture public so that others can see and learn and stop another such horror.

I cannot fathom the behavior in that room - from the boys commiting such acts with no conscience - to the audience so intrigued they felt justified to capture this depravity for more to see. If these acts would have had an odor, it would have been so dank and insidious the entire street would have needed to be evacuated. In my mind they all go to jail. The onlookers might not have touched Audrie, but to watch and do nothing is criminal. They could have stopped what the boys were doing! But no, being part of a crowd watching and enjoying the torture of another human being was more important at the time.

And... What parent hosts a slumber party for both sexes? What parent lets their child attend such a party? We don't know what Audrie's parents knew. But you have to think at the very least the host home knew a number of people were there. The media will probably never fill us in on this part of the story because the rest of the story is so sensational.

Forgetting the parents for a minute, what has become of people who will watch a horror, treating another human as a disposable commodity of no value? People who will keep their mouths shut out of self preservation?

One of the hallmarks of maturity is the ability to move from concrete to abstract thinking. By the time our teens hit the age of 18, we hope they can navigate life in a balanced manner. Part of getting them there is to teach them to think ahead about what they might do in unexpected circumstances.

My parents did not prepare me ahead of time for the situations that required more wisdom than I possessed. It would have helped even more. I began to prepare my kids once they were about 4 to be stranger-wary. We even practiced what to say if someone said they had a puppy in the car or they had a little child their age. Next came what to do if they were at a friend's house and the dad's gun was brought out or an unacceptable video game or video was shown. By 13, we added details about alchohol, prescription drugs and sexual actions. In addition, we hit the whole "crowd mentality" thing pretty hard. We wanted our kids to think ahead and devise a plan so that if the unforeseen happened, they had an idea of what they would do. Rather than have them overcome with bewilderment or fear, we wanted them to have some sort of predetermined opinion along with an escape plan.

Both of our kids were very uncomfortable with these later discussions and I can be very graphic. I wanted them alive and safe more than anything and I think some of the imagery helped warn them. They knew they could make us the "baddest guys" ever in order to get out of any situation. We always told them they could call at any time, and we would come and get them no questions asked til morning.

I have never come even close to what Audrie's parents have experienced, although in my years of coaching parents have heard some scary stories - but the kids lived. My heart breaks for any parent who walks through such horrors on any level because if the child lives, a part of them has died. And if they die, a part of the parents dies with them.

This is a wake up cry to teach the next generation what it means to have a moral compass and what that looks like in every situation. We can't pick and choose as if life is some de-personalized video game or we will stand for nothing. And then we'll be just like those empty teens in the room that horrible night. Doing nothing.

Bye-Bye Mr. Balloon!

Restaurants and stores love to give small children balloons. They're kind of like bubbles and fun to bat around, aren't they? One inexpensive way to see little eyes brighten with delight.

When my girl was about 20 months old, she was given her very first balloon at the grocery store. Ohhh, she was so thrilled! Being my first baby, I was just as happy. She was sitting in the kid seat in the grocery cart as we pushed our purchases out to the car. We had not yet learned the importance of loosely tying the balloon ribbon to her wrist or ankle.

As we opened the trunk and began unloading the cart, her beloved first balloon escaped her grasp. Her eyes widened as she watched the prize she had only had for a few minutes float up and away.

In that split second, I knew how I reacted would set the stage for other small disappointments, and I didn't want her to be sad. So, I began clapping wildly and jumping with excitement, waving "Bye-Bye Mr. Balloon!! Bye-Bye!!!" Who knows what the other customers in the parking lot thought? My girl began gleefully laughing and waving bye-bye, too. She had more fun watching the balloon "go see the world" than holding it close. For all she knew, a balloon's job was to depart... or pop.

Yup, the first time a balloon popped on her that was really fun, too.

So, there's two things both my kids haven't cried about. Don't worry, there were others, but at least they are okay with balloons.