Dr. Laura Yelled at Me

For real.

Last week I called in to the famous satelite radio shrink to get her opinion about a minor delimma. If you follow my blog, you know I listen to her frequently and agree with about 80% of what she says. But, I disagree with about 60% of the way she says things.

Yes, she has razor sharp acumen and takes a moral stand. Yes, she is witty at times and can readily laugh at herself. And, yes, her on-air show is entertaining. That's the part I need to remember after the unexpected tongue-lashing I received.

I only had to wait about 15 minutes to go on the air. The crisp screener just wanted to know my question, age, first name and state. After 10 minutes of waiting, the screener clicked in to tell me I was next. The caller before me got the good doctor cranky. After she greeted me and I told her I was a long-time fan, I asked my question and began to summarize the backstory so she would have a better picture of my situation.

Well, I didn't get too far before she pounced and snipped at me and told me I was wrong. I said she had given me a lot to think about and she corrected me "no I didn't!!!" and told me I had to do what she had said, it was my duty.  When I tried to add more information, she scolded me and said "who cares??!!" Then she warned me not to be "whiney" or "sulky" when I go and do the right thing she had told me to do. I said I absolutely would not be whiney or sulky and she interrupted me again to tell me what to do and then there was just air. When the radio came back on, I could hear the last paragraph of our conversation. After she hung up on me, she snapped "and that is how it's done!!" to her listeners. She never did get to hear the rest of the information surrounding my situation - she just reacted to the headline.

This bruising got me thinking about how quickly we may jump to conclusions when our spouse or kids are trying to tell us something. We hear just a few words and snap, think we know where this is going and launch into commentary or lecture. The other person is left taken aback and stammering to try and clarify, but it's too late. Our all-knowing brilliance has already filtered, processed and concluded.

The trouble is, in real life it takes longer than 30 seconds to adequately explain a situation so that the listener can hear where you are coming from. Blanket truths cannot be so glibly applied without more information. I'm not talking about every little teeny timy detail. Examples will do. Asking clarifying - not judgmental - questions and comments will also help set the stage. Deciding how this is going to end up without full information will not build your relationship, nor will you be able to give an objective answer.

So many times in my parenting journey, I have jumped to the wrong conclusion and one of my more-patient-than-me kids has calmly explained otherwise. Then I tuck my ignorant head under my wing, apologize and exit the room. I am getting better, but I still jump sometimes. What I have learned is that the times I jump to a negative conclusion in a nano second, I am usually in error. It really wasn't what it looked like or sounded like. My kid really was being a solid citizen - it just didn't initially look like it. More information filled in the gaps.

Judging others is never a wise thing to do. Things are not what they might look like. Going through a divorce a long time ago, my ex insisted I drive his Mercedes because of how expensive the upcoming car tabs were and he wanted to cause me further financial anxiety. Sure, I looked like all was well as I drove that car but I only had $20 in my wallet. No one knew that part, but they sure snarked at me at church about how "hard" I had it. I didn't answer Dr. Laura and I didn't answer those unkind judgers. But am I ever glad my kids took the time to give me some more information all those times when I was out of line and pouncing.

Here's to holding back on instant reactions and getting more information first.

The Powerful Effect of Agreement

I accidentally started to learn about this when my girl was about 20 months old. We were driving home and passed by a McDonalds as we exited the grocery store parking lot. "I want to go to McDonalds, Mommy, " she said, sitting forward in her car seat pointing to the Golden Arches. "I do too," I gushed. "Let's go there tomorrow, okay!?!" "OKAY!!" agreed my little one. She snuggled back into her seat for the ride home. And yes, I did take her to get that Happy Meal the next day.

When I deferred the McDonalds visit, I did it partly because I just wanted to get home after a long day, and partly because I wanted to teach her that everything doesn't happen the second we want it to. As she continued to grow up and her little brother came along, I found more uses for "agreeing".

At age five having just been impressed with a virtual tour of a French cheese-making facility on a Mr. Rogers episode, my girl somberly informed me that when she grew up, she wanted to "be a cheese maker." She continued to mention this aspiration for the next five years. I would smile and nod and say it looked like fun. Sometimes I would ask her if she would be sure to make me some, too. By the time she was 10, privately I thought she was capable of an array of amazing careers that used more of her creativity. But I resisted the urge to suggest she think differently. I did tell her I thought she would be good at many things, but only because she was (and is) marvelously talented - not because I didn't want her to make cheese or live in France. (Side note: she's actually a grad student and works with social justice and marginalized people and a graphic artist on the side.)

The first time either child lost their grip on a precious helium balloon they had just been given, I would start jumping wildly in the parking lot and waving excitedly "Bye!" to the disappearing object. The kids didn't hesitate to join me, and every balloon they accidentally let go of after that received the same fond farewell. This is a pre-emptive strike against a fit, but the "agreement" was that the balloon was going away.  They learned that "Away" isn't necessarily a tragedy.

When one of my kids would tell me about something that had upset them and finish with "and it's not fair!!!"  I would agree with them when it really wasn't fair. "You are so right, that is NOT one bit fair, but it happened. I'm sad with you for that. How frustrating." Sometimes that was enough to adjust their view on the situation. Sometimes we would talk about ways to deal with it now that it wasn't fair.

"I want to be a brave soldier when I grow up," said my five-year-old son. Following my own cheese-maker advice, I agreed with his idea. After all, he was five. New ideas would come along. When he was 17 he enrolled in the National Guard and graduated Basic Training before his senior year in high school as one of the youngest graduating soldiers. Five days after he graduates next month, he ships out for a summer of AIT training before starting college in the fall to study architecture.

In college my daughter excitedly called to tell me about the spring break trip she and 3 gal pals were going to take - driving to Florida. Now, that idea was the last thing I liked and thought there was a lot of potential risk. But she was 19. So I just asked about trip details and suggested she get her oil changed before and have friends chip in for gas. She agreed. A week before the trip, she told me they weren't going. When I asked her why, she said she didn't have enough money and didn't want to put more miles on her car. "That is reasonable thinking," I replied. Each time she wanted to do something, we listened to her reasoning and made listening comments, but we did not tell her not to do it. She would come to her own conclusion that was more reasonable after living with the idea for a bit of time.

The take-away from my "agreement" approach is that kids can tell when you enter their world and truly see things from their viewpoint. They need their ideas to be heard. Sometimes, you may not like their idea or want to do it, but you can agree that their idea is a valid one. They can even tell you they don't want to do something, and you can reply that you don't want to do it either - but we have to learn to do things anyway sometimes.

Fully functioning adults need to learn to wait. They need to learn to do things they don't want to do for personal responsibility. They need to learn to make rational decisions. By listening with agreement, you can help foster this in your children as they move from stage to stage.

Oh - and did you notice I did not bring up any form of lecturing? There are no lectures in my world. Telling a kid what to think will not teach them to think independently or confidently. Guiding allows them to absorb things and make it their own. Had I "told" my toddler daughter that we did not have time to go to McDonalds and droned "no" it won't work, she would have had a fit and I would have committed a lecture. Arg. Nothing would have been learned.  I think parents employ the word "no" and lecture far too often and that's why kids end up needing to be told things over and over and not comprehending on their own.

Agreement. Try it, you'll like the results and so will your kids.