So Don't Take a Shower Then

There's a reason you can't find boy pajamas to buy anymore.

I'm a skill-teaching, non-nagging, responsibility-training mother. Since they could barely move, my objective has been to teach my kids to be in charge of themselves. That includes their thoughts, their bodies, and their stuff. They need to learn personal responsibility in every area of their lives by the time they graduate high school.

In a realistic way, my kids have been taught that those are their shoes, their teeth, their grades and their bodies. Translated, this means that they put on and tie their shoes - not me. They put their shoes where they belong - not me. They brush their teeth and floss - not me. I have my own teeth. They do their homework - not me. I'll certainly help when asked, but if they don't care about their grades I am not gonna do the caring for them. I was already in that grade and don't need to review.

Bet you're thinking "but what if they fail?" Then they fail. Don't stand in their way. They have to want to do well more than you want them to - otherwise they won't know how to manage life later on, they'll just wait for someone out there to step in and guide their elbow. If they don't care, they will experience the natural consequences of poor grades. Reality will teach them about tutors, detention, summer school or even repeating a class. It might not take more than a failed test or it might take a failed class. If you let your child handle their own work and stay out of trying to fix it or babysit, they probably won't be as inclined to fail again. Wouldn't you rather have them fail while they are minors under your influence - safe in a loving home - than in a dorm room or apartment later on? If you believe it takes your constant reminding or presence in order for your child to do their homework or anything else, you are doing them a disservice. Yes, it may get done. But for the wrong reasons.

The same goes with bathing. Talk to any mother of a second grader. She will tell you in exasperation about the dreaded daily arguments it takes to get her kid to bathe. If it's a boy, she will add with her nose pinched how he doesn't care what he wears and wants to sleep in his clothes. When I tell moms of younger kids about how I handled it, some unwisely and innocently prophesize that it won't happen in her house.

For those of you focused so intently on the choice of public attire and necessity for cleaning rituals here's a promise: that same smelly kid who fights you to do the unthinkable and take a shower and might even (gasp) sleep in their clothes will become a teen who spends so much time showering it raises your water bill. If it's a girl, she will try on at least six outfits each morning and throw the rejected ones in her dirty clothes hamper for you to wash. (But you won't because you taught her how to do her own laundry when she was 10). Yep. That same guy who wore his red shorts day and night one summer will become interested in his hair and good-looking shirts. That messy girl will spend extended time styling her hair and putting on makeup. These frustrating days of "are you kidding?" and "I don't want to" will evaporate. I sure hope you don't have to share your bathroom...

When our kids went through their smelly, non-bathing stages we didn't nag and we didn't fret. We would state that it would be good to take a shower. If they protested, we walked away and let them stink. For days. We watched hair get greasy and shrugged at the idea of them enjoying their unkemptness. But we did not repeat ourselves or refer in any way to their obvious need to bathe. We did not argue. Guess what? It didn't take too many instances of stinking up the classroom at school for them to realize the important concept of regular bathing. Today, both of them laugh heartily at their prior stubbornness to do such a basic thing.

Letting them stink did not cause any harm and eliminated another potential nag-topic or battle of wills. So what if they didn't wear pajamas when they slept? Does it really matter or is it your issue? So what if they wear the same thing again? I say save your energy for the really big battles, not these little ones. If you waste your "authority" arguing over a shower you won't have it when you need to address sexual purity or drugs later on. Every time you establish yourself as controlling and intolerant, the chance of your kid being open with you with what they are really thinking shrivels a bit more until it's gone. Would you feel comfortable sharing with someone like that? During your parenting season, you will need to make some tough decisions and your kids will need you to be a role model they can talk to. Please don't jeopardize that by overreacting to things that do not matter in the long run. Think beyond what you want or how you had to do it as a kid.

And that outfit they wore five days in a row? Great idea! I do that now myself. It's very convenient when you don't see the same people every day. Especially if it is one of your favorites.

The Santa "Club"

I'm not talking membership, I'm talking that thing Fred Flintstone used to swing -- only invisible. The "club" parents use to reinforce their points. The thing they hold over their kids. That club.

We take small children barely comfortable with some close friends or relatives, dress them in their cutest outfits drag them to the mall and force them on the lap of a fake fat guy they've never even met. He says words not common in their everyday vocabulary like "Ho ho". At the same time educators and community volunteers are taught never to touch children, much less allow them on their laps. Side-hugs only people. Hello background checks. Yet in the name of that picture with Santa, we abandon all security measures and force a terrified toddler to climb on this stranger's lap and pretend it's okay. Teenage girls costumed as elves stand nearby jingling bells and waving feathers in order to distract the tears and catch that great photo op between frightened sobs. You can get your precious photo in about a minute and turn it into a coffee cup or t-shirt. If you are lucky, a proud mother with matching kid outfits will be sneering nearby because her darlings aren't afraid of strangers. Ooops. I mean Santa.

The crowning glory is when mall Santa looks down at the poor kid and then asks if they have "been good". Good? You know. Perfectly compliant. Doing everything parents want without so much as a blink. We all know what will happen if a child has not been "good" all year. It's terrible. Ever met someone who actually received a lump of coal? Most kids - even underprivileged ones - receive actual presents "from Santa".

Parents can add to their threats about "telling Santa" with the Elf on the Shelf. Introduced just a few years ago, this cute doll can be dressed as a girl or boy elf. Parents hide it around the house every night and kids wake up to see what hi-jinx Elfie has been into overnight. Most important: Elf reports in to Santa about kid behavior. So now there are two ways Santa can know everything.

At the risk of sounding like a scrooge, I submit it's all in the name of bribing children to "behave" and thus earn a present. It has nothing to do with actually impacting lifelong character.

Do we really want our kids doing things just to get a goodie? They aren't dogs. Every time I hear about a school teacher, piano instructor, Sunday School class or community program that rewards kids with pieces of candy, I cringe. If we teach our kids to perform for the sake of the reward without also teaching the moral equivalent, we have failed.

Yes, failed. That means your kids will do the "right thing" only for the goodie. Woof. Once the goodies are gone or your back is turned, they will be lost. Lost.

Is that what you want - a kid who looks good on the outside in front of your audience only when rewarded? Or, one that knows the difference and makes good choices on their own even when you aren't there to toss out a Hershey's Kiss?

How about for next year, parents employ Santa or Elf for fun and actually teach what it means to really "behave" and why? Resist the urge to use anything as a good behavior club. Those are empty threats anyway. Teach kids that presents are gifts, not rewards.Teach kids that sometimes we do things without expecting anything in return. That one sure is a head turner. Doing something just to do it? And actually trying to be good at it? Woa.

If we don't stop tossing out the rewards without substance, we'll deliver another  generation of young adults missing a moral compass only thinking about what subjectively adds to their lives. For more information on this, Netflix one of the versions of Stepford Wives or any other flick where things and prestige are more valued than character. Wait. You can just go out your front door, it's America without core values now.

Let's Pray

I see and hear lots of prayer requests in many forms. There isn't a day that someone on Facebook isn't asking people to pray for a co-worker, baby or body part. A few days later I sometimes even see a jubilant "thank you" to all those who were praying because the prayer worked.

Okay, that's not why they were thankful, it was because they experienced a positive outcome. They got a "yes" to the question they had asked the Creator of the universe. Therefore, they were rejoicing in their answer to prayer.

I think it is a mistake to teach children that a "yes" from God = answered prayer because that leads to the thinking that a "no" must mean unanswered prayer.

How often do we all entrust the deepest desires of our hearts to God and wait with baited breath for him to say yes? Note that I did not say wait for him to answer, because if we are all honest don't we want him to always say yes? My family has been waiting over five years for God to make clear our paths. The fog has lifted here and there but none of us can say at this point that God has answered our biggest and longest-prayed prayer.

What we need to teach children is that prayer is not about the answer we get or when we get the answer. Prayer is about releasing our need into God and stepped back in trust. I will say this again because I really need to hear this today: prayer is about entrusting God no matter what with all of our needs. Letting him know that we agree that we don't know what he knows and that we trust him. Our desired "yes" may look good in our eyes, but God's "no" or "wait" may have broader impact than we can see from our human vantage point.

God always answers prayer. He either says "yes", "no" or "wait". I think we should dance as delightedly for each answer because they are all the same -- from our loving God who is active in our lives whether we think so or not. Each answer is an answer, yippie! That is what I try to teach children.

We surely don't want kids to think God is some kind of magical Santa-being, reduced to passing out lollipops and sugar plums. We don't want to teach our kids that we ask, ask, ask and that's prayer. Kids need to know that asking is but a fragment of a complete prayer. Sometimes it's understandable or necessary to shoot out a "help" prayer, but part of our prayer life should include four components:

A - Adore God for who he is and what he does for the world

C - Confess our mess-ups: the things we have done that we shouldn't have done; and the things we have not done that we should have done (sin)

T - Thank God specifically for what he is doing in your life and world (make a list!)

A - Ask God for help - for people, for yourself, behavior, needs, etc.

When teaching young kids, keep it short and simple. I like to make it realistic by talking about all the places and times we can pray in order for children to understand that we can and should be praying at any time. While brushing teeth, in the middle of a test, on your bike, when you pick up scissors. There isn't a time in our everyday lives that we don't need to talk and listen to God.

Speaking of listening, one of my favorite things to teach is to make a list of all the wonderful things (attributes) about God and sit still. Sit and think of just those things. Talk about a perspective adjustment!

If we can teach our kids that prayer goes both ways, we will have some strong followers of Christ ebbing into adulthood. Then they can pass on their trust to the next generation, and the next to the next and the next.

That's my prayer for my family.