The Santa "Club"

I'm not talking membership, I'm talking that thing Fred Flintstone used to swing -- only invisible. The "club" parents use to reinforce their points. The thing they hold over their kids. That club.

We take small children barely comfortable with some close friends or relatives, dress them in their cutest outfits drag them to the mall and force them on the lap of a fake fat guy they've never even met. He says words not common in their everyday vocabulary like "Ho ho". At the same time educators and community volunteers are taught never to touch children, much less allow them on their laps. Side-hugs only people. Hello background checks. Yet in the name of that picture with Santa, we abandon all security measures and force a terrified toddler to climb on this stranger's lap and pretend it's okay. Teenage girls costumed as elves stand nearby jingling bells and waving feathers in order to distract the tears and catch that great photo op between frightened sobs. You can get your precious photo in about a minute and turn it into a coffee cup or t-shirt. If you are lucky, a proud mother with matching kid outfits will be sneering nearby because her darlings aren't afraid of strangers. Ooops. I mean Santa.

The crowning glory is when mall Santa looks down at the poor kid and then asks if they have "been good". Good? You know. Perfectly compliant. Doing everything parents want without so much as a blink. We all know what will happen if a child has not been "good" all year. It's terrible. Ever met someone who actually received a lump of coal? Most kids - even underprivileged ones - receive actual presents "from Santa".

Parents can add to their threats about "telling Santa" with the Elf on the Shelf. Introduced just a few years ago, this cute doll can be dressed as a girl or boy elf. Parents hide it around the house every night and kids wake up to see what hi-jinx Elfie has been into overnight. Most important: Elf reports in to Santa about kid behavior. So now there are two ways Santa can know everything.

At the risk of sounding like a scrooge, I submit it's all in the name of bribing children to "behave" and thus earn a present. It has nothing to do with actually impacting lifelong character.

Do we really want our kids doing things just to get a goodie? They aren't dogs. Every time I hear about a school teacher, piano instructor, Sunday School class or community program that rewards kids with pieces of candy, I cringe. If we teach our kids to perform for the sake of the reward without also teaching the moral equivalent, we have failed.

Yes, failed. That means your kids will do the "right thing" only for the goodie. Woof. Once the goodies are gone or your back is turned, they will be lost. Lost.

Is that what you want - a kid who looks good on the outside in front of your audience only when rewarded? Or, one that knows the difference and makes good choices on their own even when you aren't there to toss out a Hershey's Kiss?

How about for next year, parents employ Santa or Elf for fun and actually teach what it means to really "behave" and why? Resist the urge to use anything as a good behavior club. Those are empty threats anyway. Teach kids that presents are gifts, not rewards.Teach kids that sometimes we do things without expecting anything in return. That one sure is a head turner. Doing something just to do it? And actually trying to be good at it? Woa.

If we don't stop tossing out the rewards without substance, we'll deliver another  generation of young adults missing a moral compass only thinking about what subjectively adds to their lives. For more information on this, Netflix one of the versions of Stepford Wives or any other flick where things and prestige are more valued than character. Wait. You can just go out your front door, it's America without core values now.

P.S. I Told You So

There is nothing that can get the fur on the back of my neck to rise like hearing a parent, teacher or anyone in charge of a child tell them "I told you that would happen if you did that. Now look, you'll_________ (fill in the blank)." Way to destroy a relationship and teach a child to need your input on every life decision. Not a way to teach responsibility or confidence.

One of my favorite parenting workshops to lead is based upon the reality discipline principles of Dr. Kevin Leman. I have read and used his materials for over twenty years and I can attest to the fact that his stuff really works..that is, if you follow it. It's as easy as zipping lips. If you are like me, that will be hard at first but well worth your effort.

Reality discipline lets the real world do the teaching and the childen experience the natural consequences. If things go well, they have another notch in their belt of self development. If they don't listen and mess up, wonderful! If you handle the mess-up well, they will learn even more.

A simple example for younger kids: It's cold outside and you are getting ready to go. You calmly tell Tommy that it's cold and he should grab his jacket. (Neutral, non-lecturing tone) You are certain he hears you, but he does not comply. He thinks it is just fine out. Rather than cajole him, simply say it's cold and lead the way out to the car. Go where you were going. If Tommy complains that he is cold, shrug and say "yeah, I'd be cold too without my jacket". Keep on doing whatever it is you were doing. Do not engage in discussion, reminding, or dialog. If he brings it up again, say "Bummer!" You stay neutral and pleasant. Resist the urge when you arrive home to bring up the jacket or tell him he should have listened to you because he got cold. Drop it. Next time you gently suggest a jacket, bet he'll get it if indeed he was cold.

Teenage example: Daughter Sally is going on a youth retreat and you have already taught her how to pack. Youth leaders provide a packing list for the kids, so this is between the two of them. All I would say is "Sally, the retreat is coming up in a couple of days, did you get the packing list?" If she says yes, I would be sure she knew where to find things that might be stored away like sleeping bags and duffle bags, otherwise that would be the end of it. About an hour before we leave to meet the group I would ask her if she packed what she needed from the list. If she says yes, I would smile and say we'll be leaving at 4:00. End of story.

If she comes home and said she forgot her shorts or another pair of shoes or whatever, I would agree with her that it was a bummer and ask what she did with those wet shoes. That's it. No lecture. No saying "Bet you wish you would have double checked." Just join her in her moment. Next time, she will double check more completely. If you communicate her "failure" you have not only taught her that she needs you more than she really does, you have alienated a part of her. The part that you will wonder about in ten years when she doesn't like to come over and hang out as much as she does as her in-laws.

I could go on and on with reality examples because I've experienced them personally as well as alongside many other families in my years coaching parents. What's the verse that tells us to watch out for our tongues?

Zip it. We can't take back the words, the tone or the meaning.

Neutral tones like Switzerland keeps the communication open...